Utter Disgust

You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did not I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

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148 thoughts on “Utter Disgust”

  1. HG is an author, of many wonderful and informative books in his field of experience and expertise, Narcissism. I am eagerly awaiting, ACON, Little Boy Lost, Matrinarc. The Seven Sins of the Empath, Dark Cupid and the Creature. And any others you think may be beneficial to myself? I do not think any one here questions the value HG provides in his works, words or wisdom, do they?

    1. Clearly, some do and clearly, some wish to question the gratitude expressed to HG by those he is attempting to free from the quagmire.

      I`m far from being an empath, but Christ, even I`ll stand up for the so-called “ass-kissers” when the motivations for their expressions of gratitude to HG are called into question.

      To criticize and question those who are thankful to him is, in a manner, to criticize HG and what he is doing here. He’s made his motivations clear and from what I can tell, he answers all of the hundreds upon hundreds of questions and comments he receives in an open and honest manner.

      You do realize he is, essentially, an Army of One? That he writes all of these articles and books AND responds to countless questions and comments and emails HIMSELF!?!? That in itself is worthy of admiration and praise, never mind the invaluable advice and insight he provides everyone here.

      I may not always agree with everyone here and plenty of times, I bite my own tongue so hard it bleeds. But when I see someone berate people who have been awakened and enlightened by HG’s brilliance, openness and honesty, well, I take issue with that.

      1. B&T I bet HG could not care less either way. I know I appreciate this blog and those who are on here, I think. Sometimes it is blah blah blah, even with my own posts but this is my brain processing.
        But you are spot on about his time that he puts forth. He is my hero for the day!
        Have we hugged and kissed and made up yet? oxoxox

      2. I didn’t say you did anywhere in my comment did I? I said CJ did.

        I assumed you’d know what I was talking about but instead you jumped to some other conclusion.

      3. Thank you for your reply Blood and thunder. I reread comment again, you didn’t mention anyone’s name. Why I thought it was directed towards myself. Thank you for explaining.

    2. Because I was responding to your comment about not thinking people were questioning HG’S words, wisdom etc.

      Perhaps if you reread your original comment you’d see where I was simply responding to it and not once did I level any accusation at you personally.

      1. Hi B&T,

        I just wanted to say that I have never questioned HG’s words of wisdom….. Not once.

        I too am actually extremely thankful for everything I have learnt hear and through HG’s Books!! HG KNOWS how grateful I am!!

        Please do go read the most recent comment I made on the “porn supremacy” if you have not already.

        And that’s fine too… I will take your criticisms on boards B&T.

        Cheers

  2. This blog is for healing and helping to educate narcissistic abuse survivors..I have received much advisement from HG and the other readers on this blog, these continuous attacking of each other is unnecessary and senseless and the fact that they continue to be posted detracts from what we all should be doing here. I for one have never claimed I know more then Hg, I learn from HG In this forum and have always shown appreciation for what I am availed of. Can the personal attacks please cease HG, moving them from thread to thread, does not remedy anything. It is very distressing. Can we just focus in the work and the education. Everyone has opinions and their own mindsets, HG permits views to be expressed. He also enjoys the drama and sensationalism that occurs from such discussions, can we get back to business so to speak. i don’t think anyone has ever claimed to know more then Hg In this blog, not that I have ever read, anyways. I apologize if this comes across as passive aggressive to some, it isn’t , it is how I feel, genuinely, I just want to heal and I am having difficulty lately and that is why I am so eager to get answers.

  3. Can they come live in your backyard HG? I think we have enough social ills without inviting more.
    Now if they were all blonde hair, blue eyes Swedes, They could all live with me!
    Now let’s move onto religion.
    I love when you are fired up and on your high horse. I am just a little ole country bumpkin here just trying to get along.

    1. No they cannot.
      What would you like to say about religion but make sure you speak up, it can be hard to hear when you are up in the rarefied atmosphere on this highest of horses. I know, why don’t I pop you on this pedestal next to me?

      1. Oh HG. If I was Eve, I never would have let Adam have a bite of the apple. You know I am a non-believer, since I was 5 years young, perhaps before this. I was just amazed that people let their brain be put in a box with only a little hole to see the world with. No offense to any believers on here. This is just my story, not yours.

        Are you inviting me to sit on the pedestal next to you? Ah I am blushing.

        I might push you off and claim Queen of the hill. Maybe bite you until your badass demon emerges. Then the battle begins. >

  4. HG do you still have that Brexit bee in your bonnet? Let it go… The majority of your country made their decision, based predominantly on the regard of those EU countries and immigration issues and economy related concerns. My question, perhaps finally now that will relax, is why the barrier on immigration from commonwealth countries, outside of the EU. Such as Australia and Canada? Why movement between these countries have been invariably stalled. It makes sense that the USA being a non commonwealth country remain within immigration Restrictions, along with other related countries In the world.
    Hopefully with the UK bowing out of the EU,immigration bewteen commonwealth countries can now be more amenable.

  5. HG,
    Well said, politically correct. Are you in the political arena?
    I would not want my housekeeper to be escorted over the boarder. Of course she pays taxes on consumer goods. Does she on her wages, I think not. I pay her 20 an hour. Nonetheless it is not her ir the MEXICANS I’m talking about. We do need laborors as us lazy Americans won’t do these types of jobs.
    We have homeless, mentally ill in our streets that ARE citizens and we have failed them. I just would like to clean up our issues before we just have an influx of more people.
    In this country, most of us are here because our ancestors were immigrants. I am not against it but there needs to be overhaul.
    There are so many topics we can debate but it will not be here.
    Your response has me believing you might be a bit more liberal then I thought. AND a bit soft under that armor. HG does have a kind spot.
    I just woke up and I’m typing in the dark, I’m sure I will have more to say as my brain kicks into gear.

    1. I am not a liberal at all. I detest moronic, anecdotal, soundbite arguments because they are just so flimsy and one cannot have a decent debate, it is too easy.
      If someone says “immigrants take all the jobs” it is so broad brush and inaccurate it is laughable.
      If someone says “in my area I have seen many jobs taken by immigrants that is has damaged prospects for local youth and youth unemployment has risen x per cent,” it may not be totally accurate but at least the argument is being presented with some substance and I respect that. I will naturally aim to win but I prefer someone advancing points in a meaningful way. You can shape most things to fit your political viewpoint, so I expect people to at least make a decent effort at doing so rather than being intellectually flabby.

      1. I agree but this was not said here, “immigrants take all the jobs”
        All that was said is Trump is a Narc. Well I personally think he is more of an
        egotistical asswipe then a full on Narc. Don’t you think it would have come out already if he abused women like you have?
        I have not seen it yet in our Media. Oh, one contractor did come forward and say he cost him a lot of money………one.
        He is just the lesser of the two evils.
        So are you calling what I posted a moronic, anecdotal soundbite? I asked a question about immigration.
        Have the devaluing commenced?

      2. No you misunderstand. I wasn’t referring to what you had written. I was talking about certain people as a whole when they advance arguments which are based on kneejerk reactions and anecdotal nonsense. I was not commenting about what you had opined as I wasn’t engaging you in a discussion about that topic.

        Nobody has ever come forward about the things I have done and I am not a billionaire. There are many ways of securing silence.

      3. Yes and to dig in the desert deep enough you need heavy equipment. You will hit caliche, natures cement. He is not from the desert. He is a New Yorker.

        >

  6. OMG , I’m not that political but since it looks like there a few contenders for the US elections it’s just scary . When I first seen DT running I just thought it was a joke . An ego maniac successful entrepreneur that would never lead any where . Having seen some of his speeches his almost frantic highly charged delivery of these speeches that border on manic , remind me of hitlers ranting manic speeches . Plus DT has OCD and a stepford wife . But should he win , I doubt he will be the first president to be one of yours , not to mention our own prime ministers maybe we’ve had one or 2. I read something recently about hitler being a Peter Pan type character . I wish this term Peter Pan would stop being used as it is so misleading . JM Barry has a lot to answer for with his sweet little story that actually tells the story of a horrible weird little Narcisist . Michael Jacksons home being called Neverland interesting how it all becomes so clear once you know .

    1. We (my very influential and successful friends) don’t like either one running for office, but it is a fact that Hillery is a POS of the worst kind and so is her husband. We figure The D gets in for four years and not much happens and he is out. If you think he will do anything, in reality, it is congress that runs the show, you might not want to hold your breath. You are fed what the media tells you.
      Just saying, she is not as popular as you think. It is mostly the ones who are looking for more of a socialistic, give it to me for free, society.
      But everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
      He is saying what many think. How’s the immigration issue going over there. UK right?

      Can you believe it!? Over 318 million people here and these two are our choices. Fm running.

      Sorry H G. I just really get frustrated with our politics and the people who believe in talking snakes.
      How is the Narc business going? 😉

      1. The immigration issue here is regularly raised but is a political red herring. It is always easy to find a scapegoat group and why not pick one which often has little or no political voice? Those who have immigrated to the UK contribute more in tax than they take out in benefits and the like. In the 1950s we had a labour gap caused by the Second World War and did not have enough people to drive buses, tube trains, clean and such like so an appeal was put out to the Commonwealth countries and there was an increase in immigration mainly from Afro-Caribbean countries but also places such as Pakistan and India. There have also been skill and labour shortages in the National Health Service with many doctors and nurses being provided from these countries as well. There was some tension between the indigenous white population and these immigrants which saw racial discrimination occurring. The recent concern has been about those countries recently admitted to the EU allowing their citizens, owing to the right to the freedom of movement and the right to work, in EU countries to come to the UK as well as those fleeing war in Syria, Iraq etc.
        Laughably this has led to Schrodinger’s immigrant which is that immigrant which is sponging benefits whilst also taking jobs from people already in the UK.
        The simple fact that is as I pointed out immigrants pay more tax than they take out through benefit.
        Without immigration the NHS would be in serious trouble.
        Without immigration many jobs would not get done (lower menial jobs) which UK born individuals just will not do.
        Even those who are UK born and receive benefits and sponge are not the problem since what they take from the Government is dwarfed by the amounts not paid through tax evasion. Of course it is far easier to label and blame immigrants, then the underclass (both of whom find it difficult to fight back) than the wealthy corporations.
        People talk about the UK being overcrowded. Only 1% of the UK is built upon. We have the world’s 5th largest economy. Yes there has been pressure placed on some servies in some areas which with planning and investment will be eased.
        Yes there are concerns about terrorism which are legitimate but naturally if every immigrant was a terrorist the country would be overrun by now.
        Immigration is largely used as an argument for the sake of political expediency and regrettably swathes of the electorate fall for it. I have no issue if someone votes based on an immigration issue because they can rely on some facts and evidence, but too often it is knee-jerk and anecdotal such as “They all sponge off the State” or “they are all terrorists”. That kind of moronic response annoys me. Bring facts to the table and fair enough have your say but don’t fall for the media driven soundbite portrayal.

  7. I wrote a really long comment but not sure if you got it. It had a couple of bad words so maybe it didn’t get approved, but I’m realizing more and more every day what I was dealing with and to finally have some sense of it all I can’t express enough how much I appreciate it. For the longest time I just couldn’t understand why someone who claimed to love me so much could do the things he did and I understand now. Thank you.

    1. Hi Never Again, it will be in moderation. I have been away so I have a fair few messages to catch up on and will reach yours in due course. Just so you know, where there are questions of matters for me to ponder, there may be a longer delay. Thank you for your kind comments.

      1. Thank you! Yes it was a long post with a lot of realization on my part. Things are really starting to click with your help. I belonged to an online support group at first trying to understand narcissism but I believe the best way to understand it is from someone who has lived it. Thanks again.

  8. The best post HG.
    The only thing I do not agree with is that I haven’t really fallen, somehow I knew it was not real but I was so thirsty for something good that I fooled myself too.
    It made it easier for me to leave, no feelings, but the disgust is just the same.
    I cannot stop saying aloud how disgusting he is, each time I see something that reminds me of him.
    Here, this blog, is the only place I can pour my thoughts and feelings because he is a greater narc and all of **MY** friends still believe he is a saint and loved me madly. I have nobody to talk to except here and my sister, who was married to a narc and recommended your books.

    1. Thank you NV. You are more than welcome to pour out your thoughts and feelings here, they will always be read with interest. Yes, you have experienced the effects of the façade. As for your friends, that is a useful example of how the smearing and façade works. Maybe time for some new friends.

  9. Wonderfully emotionally written. This piece really expressed the emotions that people feel in situations after being in a bad relationship. Not neccesarily narcissistic relationships, I agree with one of the previous posters.

    I notice though in your writing that the tone of voice in your second part becomes a lot more bombastic, theatrical maybe (I am a foreigner). The words that you use to express emotions and to put guilt on the subjects head strike me almost as excessive. I wonder if that is somehow related to a need to subdue feelings you have of self blame over the situation maybe?

    For you take responsibility for the situation up to some extend (which i think is very good) You write things as “I chose, I did not see” You admit to have dealt with situations like this before, as you write “Another Chameleon” and “I would have thought ….. by now”.

    Maybe you blame yourself for having too much expectations ? You write “I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it?” But when in a love relationship, do we really do things for the other person and expect things back for it? Do we expect “thank you” ?

    I also wonder if you consciously or subconsciously wrote used the words “sole supply” in this line: “The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver.”

    Of course, as a writer you chose the words consciously. But what I mean is, do you realize, that is the word “sole” here is closest to reality of all the words you could have used as a paradigma, you are attaching quite a lot of value to your chosen partner, maybe more then is ethically justifiable ? And do you realize that that by definition means that you will end up terribly hurt when this relationship goes down the drain, no matter what ? And this, in defense to the narcissist (not validating their behavior, please understand that) has nothing to do with what you partner does or does not do. That is something that sits within YOU.

    I am really sorry for you that you even ever had to experience something to find the inspiration to find such a wonderful expressive passionate text. I hope you find the strengt to deal with it, and that you find the strengt to be more independent so you will not fall for the cons of false personalities anymore.

    I wish you all peoples blessings.

      1. Can we go to Narcicon? I think it’s in England this year…..some HG Tudor guy is supposed to be there, some hot writer dude. I heard he’s gay tough, so. But maybe we could bring back to our team? Steeviann what do you think??

      2. My bet is he is not gay at all. My bet is he is a very dangerous guy who would lock the door behind himself after you both walk in a room and then it is all over for the girl. She will be his toy to do as he wants. He is all about the female fuel in the intimate department. That is my fantasy of our mystery writer. I can’t think of it any other way. It will blow my self satisfaction session. >

      3. Don’t let me destroy your fantasy. Although that first part I agree with….
        It could go something like this……
        “Yes, I’ll show you my collection of corp…Er, coins…right in there. Ladies first. Don’t see any? Keep walking, yes just up on the left, find it? Let me help you. *Slams door. Several locks click* *flicks switch* Ambient lighting and 80s alternative music turn on. All to reveal you are in the torture chamber. You slowly turn in a circle, mouth open, taking in all the rope, canes, floggers, erotic artwork…etc. He is standing very still watching you. Your heart is racing, your breathing quickens, you look at him with fear and wonder. He says “Shall we begin?” You think, uh this just got real and I don’t know him, how did I get here? What am I doing? I want my old narc back. He’s moving toward you…slow but determined. You feel the grip of fear before he even touches you. He grabs your wrists gently, looks deep in your eyes with his oh so blue, and whispers, I can make you come with just my words. U believe that. But you know he’s going to hurt you soooo bad, do you risk it? The emotional pain? The being cast aside, the triangulating, the lying, the loss of family, friends…..everything you built is gone, because of words with an image, an illusion. Are we that desperate? Do we need it that much?

      4. Sounds delicious. Bring it on. Btw, nice visual you painted. And yes, we want it that bad. Why are we still here? We traded one Narc for another. Think about the last line. ( I hear him laughing under his breath )

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

      5. You risk it, because you can`t resist it.

        “I can handle this,” you tell yourself. “I know what he is thinking. I know how he plays his game. He shared the rules with me (and many others) and this time….this time, I can experience the best parts without having to suffer through the worst parts.”

        But you couldn’t be more wrong.

      6. Agree, agree. But do you really know me? I can be your worst nightmare. Do you want references? >

      7. I don`t know you. But you`ve shared enough here that I have an idea.

        You may “think” you could be my worst nightmare, but….do you really know me? No, you don’t.

        Who are you trying to convince, Steeviann. Me? Yourself? HG? Everyone else here on the blog. Who are you trying to impress with your comments about being a bad girl?

        I respect you, Steeviann, but when you make comments like the one above, it truly makes me question – well, a lot of things.

        You’re dealing with the devil and you don’t believe in God. Mistake number one.

      8. Exactly I don’t believe in GOD. So in this alone, you should know I am not afraid of anything you bring forward. You do not know my path I have walked so I feel safe to say that I can be a nightmare.
        Are you a killer? Would you take my life? If not, then I would not be afraid of you.
        Bad girl? No, I am a naughty girl.
        You are dealing with a real live human being in me, no devil as they are make-believe.
        I am not trying to convince you are anyone else on this blog with anything. You choose to read what I post. I am not there with a gun to your head making you read what I write. I could be though if you like.
        What I have shared here could or could not be the truth. I will give you truth right he now. I LIKE LUST.
        This is a pretend world and nothing is real here. Not even you. As a narc, shouldn’t you have your own blog for minions to follow or do you need to ride on HG coat tails?
        OK I am fucking with you, what did you say you were, Devil? Oh yeah. Now did we kiss and make up.
        Please know you do not scare me unless you are a serial killer. Then you would accomplish what you are trying to do here. BOO!

      9. Are you threatening me, Steeviann? Wow, that escalated rather quickly.

        I never said I was the Devil. Read between the lines, if you can see through the red haze of your misplaced anger and defensiveness.

        I also never said I wanted you to fear me.

        *pinches self* GADZOOKS!!!! Just as I suspected! I am real.

        As for coat tails, that’s not the part of HG I’m interested in riding, honey. But, I must admit, it is quite comfy back here and his coat tails are quite finely tailored. He hasn’t mentioned that I’m too heavy yet, so I’ll just stay where I am.

      10. Where did you get I threatening you. I believe you need to re-read the entire thread.
        Saying I can be your worst nightmare, it is an expression. Get over it. My are we sensitive. I have references.
        Why are you pinching yourself? Do you cut too?
        He will not tell you to get off his coattails, he likes this banter. But why are you here anyway. This is a Narc telling victims what your kind is all about.
        Are you heavy, perhaps you need to get to the gym.
        Each time I posted, I say at the end have we kissed and made up. You, want to keep this word game going.
        So now I will say that you are no longer allowed to ride my Unicorn. Nor partake in the little trip.
        It still reads as if you claimed I was messing with the Devil. If you are referring to HG, then say this. (go back and read it)
        I know what he is, I read everyday on here what he is. Do you know what I am?
        Even though you want to do battle. I still ask, Kisses and hugs?

        I have to go and catch up on all the post and calm everyone down I have pissed off. Actually as I was driving down the road, I felt energized. Perhaps a bit of fuel for us all. SMH OXOX

      11. I am in my element today Steeviann and find your comment amusing. Projecting like a trooper. Go you!!

        Do go deal with those you’ve pissed off and know I am not one of them. I am completely indifferent though I do find you amusing at times.

        Be well.

      12. Dear B&, This was written last Thursday and it was posted today. It was when we were playing kittens with each other. I have not upset anyone on here other then you and this was again, last Thursday. Now either HG did not get to his moderations because he was busy watching porn or he is looking for fuel between to Felines hissing and spatting and swiping. Kiss and Hugs?

        HG you are a trouble maker! But I still loves ya buddy. >

      13. There had been a delay in moderating and I suspect B&T has been away from the blog the last couple of days hence why she only commented now. Just clarifying the timeline since you asked. I haven’t watched any porn this weekend incidentally, but thanks for making the point! Plenty of football though. Different kind of porn I suppose. You two can easily take care of yourselves, I can see that.

      14. Football? American or Soccer? I hope it is Soccer.
        No she has been on, you just have not posted it.
        Take the heat HG. The price you pay for watching Soccer instead of the Kittens purring around your ankles. (I am only referring to B&T and myself here) Making light. It is labor day weekend here so I am in a good mood. Mainly because I am not in LABOR.

      15. Football. You know the game so called because you move the ball around predominantly with your foot. I know you call it soccer (shudder) but to me it is football.

        I am slightly confused. B&T’s reply to you was timed at 9-52 4th September and I posted it say ten minutes ago. So she has only just posted it, unless you are referring to a different post?

        I’m not taking any rap! Does Labor Day weekend mean that largely the country has the day off work, similar to our Bank Holiday Mondays? If so, will you be going on the lash?

      16. Lash? I might take this in a whole other direction.
        Yes I agree with you Football to me is soccer. Logical to me.
        American Football, well I have nothing to say really. I only play along when it is best to do so. I like the commercials. The wings can be good too.
        It was in my notice feed. But I wrote that post on Thursday. When did you post it? I honestly do not know how you keep up.
        I am grateful you can keep us all straight and you address each of us with our questions and needs. You are a Rock Star.
        Yes Labor day is an Holiday, but for me everyday is a Holiday. I do not work. Well, it is a full time job being me.

      17. Lash, imbibe, have a skinful, have a drin.
        Ah makes more sense to me now. Your post will have been delayed until over the weekend I suspect as I was catching up on posts which were in moderation, so when you wrote it on Thursday it may not have been posted until yesterday/today. There was a backlog.
        Thank you, I appreciate that.

      18. I do not drink often, never did. But no, not this weekend. I went to see the Aussie Pink Floyd cover band last night so this would have been the night to do so. It was a great show. I rather eat my calories as I get buzzed on life. Besides I can be a handful when I drink. >

  10. HG , this is how they feel when they disgard or in my case he would act out knowing I would leave . This is how they are feeling . This much disgust and hatred and all attraction gone ? Then when they have a break or are recycling again the attraction comes back (of course short lived ) ?

      1. It is so perplexing that when you revert to “hero” mode again, how is there not the residual affects lingering from the “zero” phase? I guess that would make shades of grey, and you operate in black and white.

  11. This is a great big keyboard, verbal, vomit of toxic sludge.
    Just words, so many words. It’s a wall of words.
    The N employed the ‘wall of words’. Such was the volume of said wall that it all became….meaningless noise.
    Disgust/adoration
    Love/hate
    Idealise/devalue
    It’s just the same thing. A pile of toxic sludge.

    In my opinion, of course….

  12. The best post HG.
    The only thing I do not agree with is that I haven’t really fallen, somehow I knew it was not real but I was so thirsty for something good that I fooled myself too.
    It made it easier for me to leave, no feelings, but the disgust is just the same.
    I cannot stop saying aloud how disgusting he is, each time I see something that reminds me of him.
    Here, this blog, is the only place I can tell my thoughts and feelings because he is a greater narc and all of **MY** friends still believe he is a saint and loved me madly. I have nobody to talk to except here and my sister, who was married to a narc and recommended your books.

    1. Novirtual,

      What are you saying, that you knew that what he felt for you was not real, but that you still chose to took the bait because you had needs?

      Are you saying this because you are still in a loyalty dilemma between yourself and him?

      Because it makes not sense to me that you would on one side knowingly enter a relationship that is not okay, or not for real as you call it, and on the other side be disgusted by someone’s behavior. Because that someone entered the relationship believing that he was in love, and that it was right.

      It seems somewhat unfair to be disgusted over someone that you betrayed in the first place.

      1. If one is dealing with grief / loneliness due to other events that have happened in their life, especially recently, logic flies right out the window. It’s not entered into as an intentional betrayal.
        Laws of attraction…like attracts like. Usually inner wounds will draw these two people together like a titanium magnet.

      2. As if that is an excuse. When having a personality disorder, logic goes out the window too. But that still doesn’t make us not responsible for our actions !

      3. I wasn’t implying unaccountability, at all. I simply was stating loneliness creates its own personal hell if it goes on for an extended time. So in my opinion it makes it much easier for this type of relationship to generate.

  13. Wow, honestly I couldn’t figure out if it was the narc talking to the empath or the empath talking to the narc after driving the empath to the point of feeling this way. So many ugly sides of me came out near the end after all of the lies, the cheating, the betrayal, the future faking, the triangulation, the gas lighting, etc. I almost feel as though some of his narc qualities rubbed off on me, if that is even possible. I don’t trust easily (and I used to) and I don’t feel like I’m as nice of a person as I used to be. I have some long term affects from trying to recover from this toxic relationship I was in that I am still processing.

    Thanks HG for your articles. They have helped me immensely. I mean why would I ever care about someone who never cared about me? I see that now with your help. He was so good at convincing me he loved me with his words and his gifts and the stupid love song links but his actions didn’t always match his words and the cognitive dissonance almost ruined me. There is no doubt in my mind he was a full blown narc. My last contact with him was almost 4 months ago (the same amount of time it took before what I believe now was the final hoover and discard. This last time I actually called him out and told him he was f*cked in the head and that I thought he was a narc and he never responded. I haven’t seen him in two years but he would always come back every few months claiming he was still in love with me and how sorry he was and that he still wanted to end up with me. He would love bomb me for a week or two until he would suck me back in only to then disappear and discard me again (we were in a long distance relayinship which made it really difficult for me to figure out why he kept doing this to me). But your articles have opened my eyes. I hate that I let him back in every single time. He’s full of shit and always had other supply while he claimed to be in love with me but I think because I called him out this time it was the final discard. He knows I know what he is now and I told him “why don’t you do us both a favor and never contact me again”. Within a month of that he, not surprisingly, he was back with one of his other “appliances” posting a pic of them together on Facebook. I blocked him and rather than go into a rage and freaking out on him (which was the normal dependable fuel I’m sure he was expecting from me) I hit my limit and provided him with nothing…Zero…Indifference…I was so disgusted and turned off and realized from your articles that he would just love it if I got upset and gave him a piece of my mind so it felt good to not react and just move on with my life for good. I am done and I know I will never contact him again. I don’t care to know who he is with or what he is doing now. I’m free of the mind f*cking I allowed him to do to me and it feels good.

    With your articles, you have helped me realize what kind of person I was dealing with. I’m getting better each day but yeah, I read your article imagining the narc saying that to me and it was fitting, but then I read it again and pretty much could see myself saying the same things to him. Mirroring perhaps? 😋

    1. Hello NA, it is open to interpretation to demonstrate how in some respects there is such similarity. The N thinks this way of the E, the E thinks this way of the N, who is to be viewed as right? Either, neither, both? I am pleased that you find my work helpful and of use to you. Gaining understanding is the key.

    2. Half the time on this blog I have no idea from the group postings . Who is what . I’m not sure who is a Narcisist , who is not a narcissist but apparently nearly one 🤔 Not sure how that works . Who is a borderline . Obviously this is my lack of understanding and ignorance and this post is not meant to upset or offend anyone . I even asked Clarece at one point if she was a narcissist 🙄🙄 . I think it’s important for me at the moment in my fragile state to understand all of this the best I can . It’s like some form of therapy and hopefully I will never get involved with another due to this information. But I do want to get to a point where I stop reading all this stuff and am just able to let it all go. I have been on a couple of dates since the break up . I forced myself as a distraction . Didn’t like either of them . However one of them I went out with him twice and although I didn’t like him so it was irrelevant I picked up a narc vibe about him . Now I may just be paranoid but I don’t think so . He has since done a couple of narc type things so hopefully my radar is working . But I will never look at people the same way . I see them every where . But even when this is over and I hope that is soon. I will always want to check in occasionally and catch up with HG ‘s blogs and books to see where you are at . But hopefully I will be past the stage of needing to post a hundred times a day . HG what are your thoughts on people saying Donald Trump is one ?

      1. Hello Lisa, it indeed can be confusing and for two reasons. Firstly, when you are in the maelstrom of confusion and trying to make sense, your perspective is skewed by this and it really does make it hard to understand who is who. Secondly, there are so many variations on a theme and some similarities between disorders (indeed they often bleed into one another) it makes identification difficult. It is not the case of looking at an x-ray and stating whether there is a leg fracture or not. Personality disorders are less distinct, often it is easier to note there is SOME kind of disorder but what it is precisely can be more difficult to pin down, not always but sometimes. The situation also becomes difficult for two further reasons. Firstly, there are those who have disorders who no insight at all and will always reject what they are. Secondly, you then have those who deliberately manipulate the position to hide their disordered behaviour. I am up front as to what I am because that is the nature and necessity of this blog, but you won’t find me admitting it to anybody outside of the relevant arenas. During the lifetime of this blog, which is nearly a year old, I have seen a few of my kind contributing here without realising what they are and that is based on the benefit of a lifetime of my own behaviour and the time I have spent watching others of my kind in my family and so on, along with the input of the good doctors. It is unsurprising that you have some confusion as to what people are. Now you have knowledge you will see narcissistic behaviour everywhere because it is everywhere. What you need to identify is where it becomes so far along the spectrum that you get into the realms of A narcissist rather than just narcissistic behaviour.
        Trump is one of ours.

      2. HG,
        Do you feel relieved that you can openly be somewhat of yourself here? That you don’t have to control as much of the narcissistic thoughts and behaviors to maintain the facade?

      3. It is not relief Perspehone, I enjoy the interaction. I guess I am just a people person you know. You are correct that I do not have to maintain a façade here though, but I do have to exert control (not over other people over myself)

      4. I feel the same too Lisa, if you are On the blog long enough you can see the red flags of readers behaviour to determine who is who, ie who are lieutenants, minions, Volunteers , narcissists, covert narcissists, co dependents ,Histrionics, sociopaths and psychopaths, who has several accounts, ie.one person posting as numerous people, HG, as someone who is NPD, will always attribute his behavioural traits onto others. He even tried that with me when I first found blog. So, I asked him to clarify for me and he did. Stating I am simply a co dependent empath. Which I didn’t even think I was co dependent. But, I do know emotionally I can relate to BPD, In the sense that I am emotional, probably why N’s attach to me for fuel. That because of the emotional abandonment from My Narcissist motherland do dependent father In childhood, I admit I have abandonment issues. I suffer from guilt and shame for no reason, just because it is instilled within. I try to fix things and people. I feel sad and depressed and I believe in love and giving love, I just do not idealize or pedastalize,I have never hurt anyone or taken revenge In any manner, nor am I competitive or need to be right. I always admit when wrong and take responsibility. I am open and honest about myself when asked questions, probably why I ask so many questions myself.
        It is difficult in a forum such as this when some people, are not so forthcoming to who and what they are. But, for the most part I find readers are quite aware and open.

      5. Hi poetic _me,
        I’m pleased I’m not the only one that’s confused . Are there really people with multiple profiles posting ? What on earth would the point of that be ?
        I hope HG is not a con , I hope for the purposes of this blog he is authentic in his information .
        HG do the doctors read the blog or ask you about it ?

      6. Hello Lisa,

        I can assure you that all information posted is authentic. I am governed by the five rules.

        Nobody posts under multiple profiles. I ought to have made that clear when it was erroneously stated. I am able to identify that and can say that nobody is doing that. There have been people who changed their profile names.

        The doctors deny doing so but I suspect that they do. They would not be able to resist.

      7. HG, I don’t usually do this but I can not sit back and take anymore! If there are people out there that think I am ass kissing then so be it! ( maybe I like a great ass!) there are some on this blog that question you and your reason for doing this! That is understandable. But you have told everyone your reason from the start and every time someone new joins and has ask you, you tell them. You have always been honest about who and what you are! You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect or have your character constantly bashed by someone who thinks they know you or know more then you on this subject! You have answered everyone’s questions, yes at times it takes longer because you are busy, but they do get answered! Really if they believe they know more then you on the subject maybe they should start their on blog! As for new people who are not sure about you all I can say is give it time, if they read your posts and your books they will find out that you do know what you are talking about!! You have already helped so many and you will help them also! As far as going back and reading older posts? No a lot of people do not have that kind of time, but if you read a post that has already been released earlier and you have a question you can keep scrolling to the bottom of the post you are reading after the comments and there are titles written there from earlier. You would not have to read them all just the ones you may have questions about to see if someone else may have had the same question! Most of us are here to learn and heal and appreciate ever thing you have done for what ever reason you may have. I apologize if this comes off as being harsh or is to long! As I have said before I usually don’t do this. Thank you for all you have done and for your time! Xxx

      8. Ditto the sentiments! Thanks for getting my point the other day when I suggested going back to peruse older blogs and comments too.
        I don’t think you come across as someone…ahem…wiping the brown off of their nose either for what it’s worth.

      9. In a year’s time, I have never been confused by any readers. Everyone articulates their background pretty well either coming from a place of the victim trying to get educated and heal. Or, those who relate to your way of thinking and also doing self exploration.
        Pretty cut and dry. Sure you have your Uber fans, but so what? They’re grateful you’ve helped them and trying to have a bit of fun and add levity in the process. I see no minions or lieutenants. To do exactly what for you? Oh, that’s right. Nothing. You’re in total control of your own blog.

      10. I can’t speak to HG and authenticity… I know he does this blog as part of his therapy and inheritance and for the fuel he receives from the praise he garners over his writing ability and imparting valuable inside information on NPD.
        I would just read with the understanding that HG is a Narcissist and he has been very forthcoming with everyone here that they operate for their own agenda and that includes deception and illusion. Just like yours, mine and any others Narcissist, Only HG is aware of what is and what he does and he is malignant.

      11. He is authentic. He is an author. He is here to help. He is here to help himself too. It is part of his treatment. He would not play with us, not here. But if you step out of this arena, I bet he would tear us to shreds. >

      12. I would even dare say, outside this arena, he would try to maintain his five rules with any of us, if anything to test himself and discuss that outcome with the doctors.

      13. Only he knows, but I liken it to Dexter’s “Code”. (If you are familiar with that show).

      14. Loved Dexter! I liked the Michael C. Hall so much I watch 6 ft Under too. Both very good shows.
        HG is as dark too. At times I have hard time believing he can be so brutal.

      15. Oh yes, watched every Season of both of those shows. In fact, I thought Six Feet Under had the most perfect series finale in getting to view every character’s ultimate death. Then Breaking Bad came along and took that crown.

      16. I am with you. I power watch the shows. I wait for Netflix and when I go dark, meaning I want solitude, I pick something to watch. Lately I have been reading and playing on here so no boobtube for the summer. I do enjoy GoT. I agree the series finale was one of the best endings I can remember watching. I do need to step away from this for a bit and just check it every few days. I have not wanted to reach out to the N and I think/feel I am past the worst of it. To be honest, I was more pissed he got the upper hand. Being on here is addicting.

        >

      17. It is most helpful being on here especially on raw days or when it feels tempting to reach out or respond and you’re trying to maintain no contact.

  14. Yes. Utter disgust for me yet he stays. My narc likes no contact because he can do what he wants and still have comfort with no me to deal with. It’s my house so I can’t leave. Believe me I would if it wasn’t. Just plain evil.

      1. In my humble opinion, a narc is a victim of their own mental prison. Think about the hell they must feel. Constantly feeling they have been let down or not approved or disappointing someone t the point that they are being attacked. I don’t feel sorry for them or pity them.
        A receiver of the wrath of the Narc is only a victim if they are not learned of what they are dealing with. Once one is educated and not working from a point of ignorance, then how can one still be a victim. Yes, I understand that perhaps years of mental abuse can be taxing and ruin someone causing PTSD. But again, once you see a light at the opening of the top of the well, wouldn’t you want to climb out?
        I don’t know, it seems a novel idea. Called Survival. This is how my brain works. Persons, such as HG,has given us tools to save ourselves. I used them, over and over. 10 steps ahead and three steps back. Over and over until I am now 20 steps ahead and not looking back.
        Knocked down? Get your arse up and fight for yourself and your sanity.

    1. It’s another brilliant piece by HG. Look at this part: (which i think is the best part)

      “You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished.” This is something a Narc would say. “It is not good pleading for clemency.” undecided “You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner”. words of a victim “You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud.” more victim words “Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime.” narc speak again.

      This is indeed very confusing, but It also makes it very entertaining to read though. With a deeper understanding of narcissistic behavior and narcissistic personality disorder the text makes a lot more sense I guess, but very confusing indeed.

      1. Yes but the Narc, fundamentally beneath the bluff, feels like an eternal victim of life, circumstance, people. That’s why they have to then become the persecutor. I think they swing between those two positions with a bit of rescuer thrown in.

      2. Oh, that is very much depending on the sub-type of narcissistic personality you are dealing with. And there are lots of them…. both with their own external behavior markers and internal thought and feeling process markers too. It’s a very diverse but nontransparent forest when the trees are all narcissistic 🙂

      3. I hope the punishment is a spanking! I am sorry but I have to lighten it up around here.

      4. I do agree with finding the victim mentality extremely off putting. Especially by someone who thinks their shit don’t stink and is clearly playing the victim. Ughhhh. Vile. Hasn’t anyone ever told you that desperation smells rancid??!!

      5. I’s probably me, but I have no clue why you are adressing me like this. I’m not playing victim, I am a victim. As well As I have NPD as a disorder. I think you should refrain from judging me if you have no clue who I am what I do or what I have survived. The fact that you do seem to think you can do that, says more about you then it does about me. I think in jargon we call that entitlement and projection.

  15. I was conditioned early on to say that I would never leave her and that I would always be there for her and that was exactly what she threw in my face when I left. She used your exact words above HG. Asking me if I was disgusted with myself and how I could look at myself in the mirror? She said I turned into someone that I said I would never be. She definitely made me feel guilty as I remembered saying that I would be in her life forever and that we met for a reason. We feel guilty for a long time and you are able to move on so quickly. I still feel sorry for your kind because you really do think we are the bad ones and we are the ones who really love you💔

    1. No, you are not the ones that really love them. You are the one’s that think they really love thém. Just like they think they really love you. But you do not love thém. You love the image of them you got from the beginning.
      And they love the image of you that they form themselves from the beginning. And later in a relationship where things go wrong you both get to know the reality of the other personality. Then the difference between you and them shows up. You are convinced that they can return back to who they were before, when all was good. But they are convinced that things will only become worse from that moment on. As the negative is always easier to achieve then the positive, who do you think is going to be right in the end. Where Narcissists tend to have a mindset towards the negative, this is where they will end. They are walking self fulfilling prophecies, destroying everything they care about, even themselves. There is no fighting this if they do not see it themselves.

      1. Ruud, are you a narc or are you a victim. I guess if you are a N then you are both, victim and a member of the “it is all about me” club.

      2. Narcs are always also victims. In my case, i’m probably even more messed up then most others. I was diagnosed with NPD about 6 years ago. Somewhere beginning this year very strange things happend in that perspective and there is reason to believe now that i have had a narcissistic protection shell that was so thick that every psychiatrist and psychologist i have seen in the past 6 years has mistaken it for NPD. Or it was NPD and I have learned to deal with it so well that i can be considdered healed. Take your pick. I don’t really care, because the result is the same, I’m in a completely new position now. Having little to zero defense mechanisms other then narcissistic behavior that do not prefer to use, i’m practically naked to the world.
        I feel things I really don’t want to feel. In my therapy group I not seldom get overwhelmed with the emotions of others that I really don’t want to have. And I have a lot of trouble dealing with it all, because up to a year a go the only emotion I knew was anger.
        But during my therapeutic process i have learned everything about narcissism and NPD I could. So I see every thing I do very clearly now. There are moments I hate myself for acting the way I want to act, and praise my self for not doing so. I’m totally screwed up emotionally and my current therapy has only one goal: to give me some helping coping mechanisms so I can keep my self standing again without having to reach back to narcissistic behavior. But when you talk about narcissism, there are not victims and perpetrators. I have learned that my ex is highly narcissistic. (Is that possible, I was diagnosed with NPD right?) How did I end up with her then, and stay with her for more then 11 years, ánd fool a team of mental-workers into being a narcissist myself ? Everybody is responsible for their own behavior. Narcissistic personalities are, but so are their “victims”. They have personality flaws too that make them easy ‘prey’ for narcissistic personalities. It’s a matter of reciprocal liking. The match between a narcissist and a non narcissist has nothing to do with hunting or preying. It is bio-psychology at work.

        The bad abuse cases that you read about on the internet, they have little to do with narcissism as a condition. Those are cases of perpetrators and victims. But in those cases, we are dealing with sociopaths that have a lot of narcissistic traits. Why they are called narcissists, i have no clue. But first, they are way to many to be narcissists (NPD is only 1% of the population, where sociopaths are 3-5 % of the population.) And second of all do all those cases show behavioral patterns that are NOT narcissistic which people just seem to dismiss.

        There are also way to many subspecies of narcissists to just call them the “it is all about me club” Did you know there is a sub species called after Mother Theresa ?

    2. I’ve been conditioned (and reconditioned) to not leave my narcissistic mother. You know how little kids threaten to run away? Well, when I did that, she’d say “Go ahead, but nobody else wants you…nobody else is gonna do for you like I do. You’ll be in the street like a bum AND I WON’T TAKE YOU BACK!”

      1. Yes there are many and I have had only one get close enough to me in my lifetime that caused havoc. I now have the tools to avoid them.
        I think I will pass on the first sigh of one. Run Forest Run.

    1. If you are the one that this text is about, you should ask yourself how you would feel if you would be able to look down at your own funeral, and noticing that there is nobody there, but a priest and two guys that will close the grave after letting the coffin down. And that the priest is of the wrong religion, because nobody really know who you are, and you pushed everybody away from you so hard, nobody gives a shit paying their last respects.

      Let me know, i’m very interested to hear.

      1. Is this for me to respond? Ruud.
        I will just for shits and giggles.
        First of all, if I had a service many would come as I am well liked. I always made a joke about people coming just to see how good I would look in death. I am considered a beauty too many. But truth be told, there will be no official from any church as I am a non-believer. I will be cremated and hopefully my sons will have a kick ass party. Dead is Dead

      2. You could respond or you could not, but you did, so I guess, you felt inclined to 🙂 But my question was serious. If you are the one addressed in that tekst, I feel sorry for you.

      3. i think that went in the wrong direction. Sorry, never used this wordpress system before 🙁 shoot it down for publication !!

      4. My answer to your question was serious. I am a non-believer and dead is dead and we don’t participate in the fanfare of death. I believe in what we know and this is the here and now. I do not behave for what might come when my body dies.
        Why would you feel sorry for me? Why would you waste your time giving it a moment of thought? You don’t know me at all. My world does not directly affect you, or it should not. But I guess if you are going to feel this way for me then you have let me affect you directly.
        Ruud, trust me when I say I am not the one you want to feel sorry for. But thanks anyway.

      5. it’s easy. I think all people are the same and everybody deserves the same amount of care. I used to believe that I deserved no empathy of others, because is was a narcissistic monster. Until I learned that I wasn’t. I still give shit about what other people think I should do. I draw my own plan. When you are human, and you are narcissistic, I know where you are coming from. Because I was there. I see the emptiness and hell you are facing. I have fought the struggles, I am still fighting them. Everyday I ask myself whether the love I feel for my little boy is real or imagined. Everyday I ask myself whether i really love my girlfriend or did i again create an image of someone to love and am i just waiting for it to implode. And nobody can tell me, for it is my mind that would do or not do those things. Nobody knows or can even begin to imagine what it is like to be thrown back and forth between the thoughts and memories you have about love then and love now. They feel exactly the same for fucks sake. How can i tell what is real and what is not.
        If you feel like that, yes, then i feel sorry for you. I won’t lose a second sleep over it. But I feel sorry for you anyway. You deserve that. Anybody would deserve that.

      6. Steeviann,
        I’m even going to give you a scripture that backs up your dead is dead statement. Ecclesiasties 9:4-7.it reads, There is hope for whoever is among the living, because a live dog is better off than a dead lion. 5 For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all, nor do they have any more reward, because all memory of them is forgotten. 6 Also, their love and their hate and their jealousy have already perished, and they no longer have any share in what is done under the sun.
        And there ya go. God told Adam, from dust you are, to dust you shall return. So the living are conscious that they will die. But as for the dead, they know nothing at all.

      7. I think you have the wrong end of the stick. It’s not literal in my opinion, just expressing a delusional, paranoid and schizoid state of mind.

      8. I dream of my narcs funeral almost nightly. Everyone is there because everyone loves him….who have seen the mask slip and truly know what’s underneath? None of them…I feel like I’m the only one.

  16. Reading this is like hitting replay of the dark, hidden, memories in my mind…. Hard to revisit but oh so excellent your writing, H.G.! And this time, I’m smiling….

  17. Your words are so chilling, images and emotions that flow as I read them.
    Only a master wordsmith could bring such pleasure/pain.

  18. you have been dissapointed and if you see really tjat rhis person that dissapointd had dark intentiosn then one could find this person repulsive… this is also from non N people.
    its a great great writing 😘

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