Feeling Drunk with Fatigue

 

Are you reading this through bleary eyes as you desperately await the effect of a caffeine boost to kick start your weary self into life to endure another day? Perhaps you can vividly recall that drained sensation that haunted you and that nagging ache which was ever present behind your eyeballs? The need to close your eyes and slip into a deep and restful slumber. All you wanted to do was to close your eyes and allow the tiredness to evaporate and shrouded in the amnesiac qualities of sleep you would be given respite from the nightmare that enveloped you. Yet, you were never able to achieve that sleep. Your near permanent anxiety meant that as you lay in bed you were tensed, ready to respond to the next jibe or manipulation. You heard a click. Was that me exiting the study at long last and coming to the bedroom or was it just the house settling? You were hyper vigilant and you cannot now recall how long that state had existed but you did know that if caused a nightly battle where you tried to sleep but each sound made you twitch and ready yourself. Sometimes you must have fallen asleep, such was the extent of your exhaustion and you dreamed and then suddenly you awoke. What had happened? Why did you awake so suddenly? You twist and see me there lying fast asleep, unburdened by any concerns. Even now you want to reach out and touch me in the hope that my hand will be placed on your shoulder and then my arm will envelope you, making you feel safe and secure, like it once did. You have learned not to reach out though for the consequences of waking me from my rest are not worth experiencing again. Instead, your shaking hand retreated and you turned to look at the clock and you sighed with resignation as you realised that the fitful sleep you had endured was only about an hour in length.

You lay there, eyes stinging and head heavy giving thanks that it was not one of those nights where I repeatedly jabbed you in the back to stop you sleeping. How did I manage to do that and then bound from the bed refreshed and revitalised as you rose like a zombie? How had I been able to interrupt your sleep through the night by prodding you and yet I was energetic? Was I sleeping during the day like some vampire hiding from the sunlight? At least this time I am sleeping and you have been spared the intermittent prod in the small of your back. It is a small mercy since the questions and thoughts race around your mind, as they always do in the dead of night. Why is this happening? What has gone wrong? Why am I doing this? When will it end? How can you stop it? Should you ask me to talk about it or will that risk another argument? How much more can you take? When did you last sleep properly? These questions and more besides whirl around in your mind, having taken a hold in your head. Your eyes flick to the silent television set in the corner of the room and you debate watching something, anything, just to break the relentless churning in your skull, but even with the volume set at barely audible you know it will disturb me and then it will be your fault again.

You look to the door now closed. You managed to resist a lock being fitted to the bedroom door, wary of what further horrors might be unleashed against you if your exit was barred but each day you fear that on your return that you will see an invoice from a joiner on the kitchen table and a lock has been fitted. You ponder whether you should head downstairs and see if sleep will come on the sofa or at least you can put the headphones on and listen to a radio play or some music. That would provide some sanctuary but yet again, as if possessed of some sixth sense, you know that I will appear and demand to know what you are doing downstairs in the middle of the night. No matter how deeply I appear to be sleeping it as if I sense your absence and come looking for you. It is then that you face the accusations of texting some man behind my back even though your ‘phone is not to hand. It does not matter what the facts are does it? I always find a way of twisting the blame on to you. No, you cannot steal downstairs and instead you must remain board stiff in bed as your eyes watch the incessant march of time and sleep remains evasive. You can feel the hammering of your heart in your chest. Even though nothing is happening and all is quiet and still, that sense of foreboding remains. A cold hand of dread has gripped your heart and squeezes, driving the breath from your body and causing anxiety to spread across you. Perhaps you ought to see the doctor and see if he will prescribe something for this? You will need to do it without my knowledge otherwise I shall accuse you of attention-seeking by going to the doctor without consulting me first. I, of course, know what is best for you and I screen everything you do before determining whether I shall allow it. You know you ought to fight against it but you are so tired, so weary and you need what little strength remains to help you navigate a way throughout the day without treading on a mine and causing an explosion of fury. It is getting harder. You forget things now. Your memory used to be excellent or at least you think it did. Even thinking is becoming arduous and sometimes you just sit, staring into space, caught somewhere between wakefulness and hypnosis. If only one night of rest could come, if only this anxiety, this fear, this wariness would leave you and let you gain some strength, then you would not make the mistakes and I would not be angry. Perhaps then we could be as we used to be. You can still remember that and hope with all your heart that somehow this situation can be retrieved. You never felt tired then. You never walked with a shuffle or placed the milk in the dishwasher in error. You did not forget you were baking something until the acrid smell of smoke jolted you from your daydreaming and had you running into the kitchen, cursing your foolishness and immediately wondering if you could cook a fresh batch before I came home and witnessed another of your failures.

The clock shows 5am and sleep has evaded you once more. The dull throb in the centre of your forehead remains. You would have to be up in an hour anyway. There is no point trying to sleep now. You can see the first rind of dawn trying to permeate through the curtains and another day has arrived. You may as well rise and weave through this day, whichever day it is, is it Wednesday or Thursday? You cannot quite remember. You slide your feet from the bed and sit up, glancing at me over your shoulder, back now turned to you, my body rising and falling in a steady rhythm as I sleep on, oblivious to your exhaustion. You stand and sway a little as you ready yourself for another day of feeling drunk with fatigue.

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62 thoughts on “Feeling Drunk with Fatigue”

  1. I prefer art. I also like to draw. It started when I was quite young and I would want to replicate pictures from coloring books. My choice of media would be pencil or charcoal. I loved the reward of seeing the finished piece. It feels nice to get lost in something like that. Did you ever keep a journal of your pictures? Are you in a line of work that you can use your artistic talents? I agree with you in what music can do and I am more aware now how music can control you. Music can bring out every one of your emotions. Sounds like yours are more limited than mine. I find music to be very beneficial to my five and six year olds in my class. Do you find that listening to music at a certain time of day helps with your racing thoughts. Are they more likely to surface in the morning or evening? Music for me is relaxing in the evening. And my favorite dwarf has always been grumpy. Lol

    1. I have not kept a journal but the fanzine covers are stored away somewhere. Yes my emotions are more limited than yours. I usually have music accompanying me when I write. Indeed, as I write this answer to you I am listening to the soundtrack to the second series of The Tudors (alas not about me!). My thoughts race from the moment I wake until the moment that slumber eventually claims me.
      Why do you like Grumpy so much?!

      1. I can picture you sitting at your desk writing this blog and your books in your study, with the music in the background. It is a very pleasant scene in my head. I hope it gives you an outlet from all your other daily responsibilities. ( mainly FUEL) lol.. You can really tell how much you enjoy writing. You are very talented. I recently took out some of my old art pieces from the basement and hung them up in my house. They bring back good memories. Maybe you will search for your covers one day….Being the empath that I am I’m sure I always believed that with the right touch you could turn somebody’s frown into a smile. And he was always the funniest. Lol.

      2. HG, what do you think of the series The Tudors? Maybe one day you will have your own movie or tv show. Or maybe the head writer??? I hung up a colorful closeup of a field of flowers. They are of all varieties and painted on a canvas using acrylic paint. I used yellows, oranges, reds, blues, and purples and framed it in black. I created a collage of of all sorts of advertisements from magazines and then used pencil and charcoal to create the exact image on sketch paper. That was one of my favorites. Framed in black also. I looked up images of some fanzines and found them to be very interesting.

      3. Hello SW, whilst historically it was all over the place and the occasional slip by JRM into his native Irish accent was amusing, all in all it was a wonderful production. The soundtrack was scintillating and it looked fantastic. Of course everybody was far too good looking but it was very enjoyable television nevertheless. JRM was very good, as was Sarah Bolger as Princess Mary (who managed to keep her Irish accent under control) and Sam Neill as Wolsey was superb. I have all of the series on DVD and will occasional have a blitz of watching them. It is a shame that they did not continue after Henry vIII though since the politics with Edward, Mary and Elizabeth would have made for even more entertaining television. Of course good old King Hal was one of ours. Yes who knows whether I will have my own film or TV show, that would certainly be interesting.
        Your paintings sound good, I would like to see them one day.

      4. Hello HG, thanks for your review of The Tudors. It sounds like something I would love to watch. My summer was spent reading all your books and discovering your blog. That will have to be my next series that I start to watch. Something to look forward to. I don’t know that my art work would end up in a museum, but I enjoy them. I would show them to you anytime.

  2. I imagine you are never tired of plotting, always thinking….I guess it depends how much you have to work for what you want. I love to paint.

      1. I now teach preschool. Have you ever found that art or music relaxes your brain? I don’t know if that’s possible. It seems like it’s always going. I think triple track is what you called it. Lol

      2. I used to enjoy drawing when I was younger. I used to draw covers for fanzines as well, had quite a lot published. Never really been one for painting, other than a poor picture of someone who I have smeared. I would be engrossed when I started a picture however, I would not stop until it was completed. I used to like seeing a particular scene, for example a tower in the middle of nowhere and then I would capture it in one look, retain it, then draw it later and add my own interpretation of what was going on in and around the tower. Music can have a settling effect on my mind and an agitating one as well. There is always a tussle between the racing thoughts wanting to surface and the soporific effect of certain pieces of music. Do you prefer art or music in order to relax. Which is your favourite dwarf incidentally?

  3. Hi Persephone. Forgot who I was asking. Lol.. That gives me so many images. Thanks for making me laugh😈 I really needed that tonight

      1. Persephone, you do a great job but I’m not that quiet, so I’m sure he would find me. What’s the punishment if we are caught?

      2. Lol!!!! I can get my dwarfs to do that.
        Do you ever get tired HG? I know it’s late over there.

      3. I meant face painting a Rembrandt. I’m Narcville Smutter Upper as well. I watch someone face paint a Tudor…lol Yes, you tire easily from what I read. *dodges apple*

  4. As an inveterate insomniac, I would almost always outlast N2. His snoring was atrocious cacophony, so I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to. Of course he denied it until I taped it and played it back. If I slept, I’d get the “gentle” wake up calls. Tickles in the ears, blowing, etc. How nice of him.

    1. I was there too. I drank a lot of wine and had a lot of fights with both of them. He told me I would struggle if I left and he didn’t want me to be financially screwed. Ha the worst was the last night in 8/26 exhausted all the time not knowing what I was walking into. Feels so good to be free and so far no Hoover…hopefully none. Think he found another source. Take care of you. You are more important than these Ns

  5. He used to call me his bleary eyed princess, now I know why. I have a hard enough time sleeping due to my work schedule, but the relationship stress and worry when being ignored or his leaving/ silences, the putdowns and rages and the lack of communication. Yes, so many sleepless nights. Thank you HG, for this.

  6. Every single one of the 6 woke me up for sex. Or a couple of them had me waking up to find it was already in progress. Or N1 would say you need to get some sleep. Stay in tonight and rest, I’m gonna go represent us at wherever. Dumb 19 year old says, oh okay, so sweet of you. I learned. The hard way.

    1. Mine kept me up all night knowing that I was waiting for sex and then said why didn’t you ask earlier, it’s getting too late. I need to sleep. I wanted to ask you HG if you experience nightmares?

  7. The article hit the nail on the head. It wasn’t until I left three days ago did I get any rest. Saturday was the worst as I was surrounded by nightmares. Sunday finally got some sleep. I feel go today and no contact. I hope I never hear from him or her again. Let them play their games…. I am FREE

  8. that was the first alarm signal .. i lost sleep.. because normally I sleep 7to 8 hours like a rock … almost nothing takes away my sleep.. except nursing babies of course.. but that is justified.

    1. Nikita that brought back memories! lol.. But soo true. That was the last time I slept only 3-4 hours.

      1. me It was that I woke up the whole night like every 2 to 3 hours and fell back to sleep.. with my heart racing…
        i look back and I cant believe

    2. Yes, this was one warning for me. I had always been an excellent sleeper too. Only this past N, I had such intense anxiety that I had to take Benadryl to sleep. Since I left, that has lessened a lot until the past 2 days…

      1. 250 calls now. I called police while on vacation as he left messages saying he’s got my cat and staying at my place til I return. Police said they couldn’t do anything as I’m in California and receiving calls here while he is calling from Georgia…that I’d have to send someone over to check physically to see break in. I have to file charges here in Cali too. It’s stupid. I sent friend over and my cat is not found and I have texts claiming he entered. Now I have to wait til I return to Georgia to file a protective order. I changed locks today via a family member thank god and hid my car. My HR, security at home and police know. I still have to keep him unblocked for MORE evidence for Georgia. I’m strong and I haven’t contacted him since our break up 2 months ago….I’m scared….is this sociopathic or just bad narcissism or….I’m strong and scared and sad he may have my cat too

      2. Thank you HG, yes, it’s malign. On a positive note, I tturned off my phone for one hour to get a massage with my sis. Need some self care and distance. I keep my phone soundless now and use it minimally. I also have a lot of disgusted and angry friends,neighbors, and family members that got my back and keeping an eye out. Thinking about getting another phone number…. Would a mid range cerebral type do this or do you think he is possibly a different type?

      3. You’ve clearly got resources on your side. He sounds Upper Mid to me. Keep NC and he will be forced to find fuel elsewhere as the Thought Fuel dwindled and he is deprived of Proximate Fuel. It is clearly unpleasant because it’s meant to be but you’ve got allies and knowledge.

      4. HG, what do you think about hoovers that are mixed type. So, he is sending me messages that he loves me, wants me for his wife, he misses me….to pity stuff, like I need closure, you loved me once, I made a mistake…..to malign like I got the cat, I’m in your home, I’m going to your work, if you don’t pick up I’m coming in. All in a matter of minutes. Is this chaos mode?? What is this?

      5. indy
        sorry to hear. its completely sick and could be dangerous.. very very abusive.. threat with animals is high abuse I read once. I imagine your relationship was highly abusive when you were with that person.
        Be strong and keep strong and keep in contact.. Im worried about you 😨.
        Good luck with getting support from the police.

  9. I gradually lost more and more sleep as my relationship furthered. I could never get a good nights sleep when we would sleep together. She would wake like she slept like a baby and I had bags under my eyes. I remember not sleeping well several times and trying to sleep on the couch and she replied “well I should have just went home” and “do you want me to leave?” I was always afraid of waking her up. Although I caught her many times pretending she was asleep. And I didn’t dare go to sleep before her. Most nights were 3-4 hours of sleep. I would go into work exhausted. I felt like I had aged ten years in that two and a half relationship.

  10. I remember those sleepless nights. He didn’t control me like some of the things you’ve written about, but he did enough to impact my sleep and at one point turned his back on me and went to sleep while I was crying. No concern at all for what I was feeling due to his actions. I am so glad that is behind me now. This actually was a good reminder of a place I never want to be again. Thanks.

  11. That was one thing i had in common with him I could function very well on little sleep. Thankful I was taught at a very young age, never thought it would be useful.

  12. This is good but sick writing. Do you still treat women this way or are you reformed and are just trying to warn us? I get confused about your purpose on this blog, or is there one…

    1. Thank you for the compliment Cote. I am not here to warn you. I am here because I enjoy writing and doing this is part of my treatment and I enjoy the interaction with people through this blog. Should it be a consequence that as a result of what I write people apply it to aid themselves then that is a collateral benefit but it is not the main aim of why I do what I do.

      1. Thank you for your response… I am still a bit confused but, what you do is what you do and I hope too that it helps people deal with all of this. to tell you the truth, it is all a little overwhelming to me. I think you are exceptional in that you can put into words what other men just act out while maybe have no idea of what is behind what they do or why… if that makes any sense to you… I look forward to reading more of your work. Michelle

      2. Thank you Michelle, that is kind of you to state as such and yes it may be somewhat overwhelming at present, but stick with it and all becomes clear.

  13. 😭 dear G… that brought the worst memories back… I found the way to overcome that feeling and that’s a secret… but its scary thinking once drunk from Your presents would turn into fatigue… You promised I’d be safe!

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