Spectre

 

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Whether you believe in ghosts or not, we certainly behave with certain similar attributes. We appear out of thin air. It is similar to how you can never remember the beginning of a dream can you? You cannot remember quite how we appeared. We just did. We seemed to coalesce into your life with the ease of a ghost walking through a wall. We arrive and ghost into your life. In the same way as seeing a ghost, when you experience us, it is not an event that you will forget in a hurry. We sidle up to you, insert ourselves into our lives and make connection after connection with you as we feed from you. Like some wraith we attach outselves to you and steadily begin to suck the life force from you as we gorge on the fuel that you provide.

Often we will vanish just as we arrived, without any warning or announcement and try as you might you cannot find us again. It is as if we have disappeared off the face of the earth. Naturally we chose the moment of our vanishing act without any concern for its effect on you. We slip away like a mist evaporating. Once we were everywhere, woven around you and captivating you. Much in the same way as one might be transfixed by the appearance of some spirit. You are entranced by our appearance, there is something ethereal and mysterious about us that causes you to be drawn to us and then we are gone.

We are that elusive spirit that can now not be found. You might go to the same place where we first manifested but there is no sign of us. We have left no footprint, no trace of our existence when you try and seek us out, just like our spectral cousins and then suddenly we have returned. We ghost back into your life and continuing our haunting of you. We are incessant and ever present, drifting about you as we resume our extraction of fuel. We resume our draining of your spirit, leeching it from you as our cold, dead hands take hold of you once again.

People have many theories as to what ghosts are if they indeed exist. Some suggest that where there has been a sudden explosion of emotion, a heightened experience, then an imprint has been made on the fabric of existence. This imprint appears to those who are attuned to seeing it. That imprint is seen doing the same thing over and over again. It walks the same route, passes through the same wall and then vanishes only to appear the next night in the same place. The spirit follows the same routine like a piece of video film stuck in an endless loop. Just like such a ghost we engage in the same behaviours over and over again. The same actions all designed to haunt you as we extract our fuel. The same gestures, the same actions all of which must be replayed. Some believe that a ghost is the soul of someone who has suffered eternal damnation. He or she has been denied entry to heaven or hell and instead has been consigned to walk the earth for eternity, stuck in an unceasing routine. Our endless quest for fuel finds us in such a similar position. We must make our way through life, restless and never finding peace. We move from place to place, unable to rest and be satisfied. Instead we are driven onwards, plagued by the curse of our need for fuel. Thus we must haunt others, our appearance bringing dread and fear in the same way as terror follows the appearance of a spectre.

Unable to quite fit in we are ghost at the feast. Even when we have vanished there is a lingering coldness that strikes you to your core. You still sense us, able to feel the effect of our chilling appearance. You are wary and anxious as you know we will appear once again. Quite when is a mystery but as we first arrived and as we first disappeared we will ghost into your life and continue our haunting of you. Better consult that exorcist.

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55 thoughts on “Spectre”

  1. HG, do you feel like your own existence is like a purgatory? Or, are you talking in general and not of yourself specifically? I have some thoughts on purgatory, existence, and how it feels when I was a sinful kiddo in the church, praying for purgatory as heaven was way out of reach.

    Btw, I like this theme you are leading us on now…👻.

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    1. There are those who would delight that I find myself in purgatory but I am above such things. They are just trying to bring me down, I know their kind. I would welcome reading your thoughts so please do share Indy.

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      1. Very sad, I agree Jaded1. I’ve thought about writing a book about how growing up in a home and culture that dims ones hopes and dreams (ie heaven) can impact later expectations in life and relationships with others. He come to only expect purgatory (hell on earth). My title would be Praying for Purgatory…acceptance of lost dreams, future faking, etc. I was primed for it. Left the church at 18, but it still is in me. My father once said to me, “you were born a catholic, you will die a catholic”, as I refused to make the sign of the cross at dinner defiantly. He was right, in some sense. (Blesses self, 😜) miss that strong, quiet presence of his.

        …and if I’m feeling extra snarky, it would be a Lifetime series (you know, the battered women’s revenge network 😉) with Melissa Gilbert playing the lead where the kitten burglar would get neutered. (Giggle).

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      2. I wouldn’t call it purgatory either. I really liked this piece. It has a very “Carl Jung”-ish feel to it in that you will keep repeating the same patterns until subconscious inner core wounds are dealt with and released. That is your fate.
        It almost makes me wonder if that’s why hoovers are so necessary. Somehow each of those intimate partners you connected with brought something out in you that made your psyche think it would be on a path to heal. But since intimacy is do difficult for you, as they get closer to figuring you out, your conscious self puts the brakes on with the devalue. I’m sure the doctors ask you about that? Thoughts?
        As I continue to be hoovered again this week, with him dangling the golden period, it will be interesting to see what I’ll end up saying that will “wound” him and he’ll ghost away again. I know it will happen. I know you say it’s all about fuel. I get it. But at any given time you always have several fuel lines available, so it’s not like he has to make a pit stop for my fuel. At any rate, I’m very guarded but it’s interesting to interact with him with all of your words echoing in my head.

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      3. Good points Clarece but bear in mind one can never have enough fuel and hence that is why he may be getting fuel elsewhere but if you enter the sphere of influence and he feels fuelled he thinks “time for some more from MLA”.

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      4. Well it didn’t take long. After 2 days of texting, (he claims he’s up for a promotion at work and I have no clue how he can send the amount of texts he does during the day. I had to break off several times) he realized he wasn’t getting his way. Then I said something not even trying to be snarky. He said I was being rude and condescending. I told him to lighten up, but I was sorry. Then he told me to just “have a great night.” Here’s where old me would have felt him pulling away and I would have tapped into the negative fuel reservoir and start blowing up his phone. Instead I replied, “I already am. Thanks.” Silence on both sides. There’s a lot I could say, but I’m definitely trying your non-emotional concise zinger. I think it worked.

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    2. I would read the book. I stay away from Lifetime but the kitten burgler would get neutered made me laugh. My dad called it the Misery Channel. The movie Teeth is more my speed and one of my favorites. It’s a bit graphic and also has neutering but very campy.

      I was born catholic and did lose faith very early. Before that I would put a towel on my head and run around screaming, “I’m a nun!” I don’t remember the last time I was in church, maybe a funeral. N1 loved (hah) to go and tried to get me to go. It was part of refining me. He would sit in the front pew as if to announce that he was there.

      I hope you find the peace and quiet again, in whatever form.

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    1. And now to the serious. Yes, that is ths story of the Jack o Lantern. Jack was someone who was so mean Heaven wouldn’t let him in. He made a deal with the devil and reneged. It pissed the devil off. Jack was denied entry into hell and was forced to wander in eternity by the light of a turnip. As much as I barb you (mostly of my own projection), I do think you have good in you. I wish peace for you. Sincerely.

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  2. I see myself more as a vampire than a ghost…I have to be INVITED IN (to your home, your life), but like a vampire I glamour you into letting me in. And then I sink my teeth in you, sucking time, money, and whatever else I want from you.

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      1. Dang, I was going to ask if I could tag along too, but now I know it would be like that old game on Sesame Street, “Which one isn’t like the others and doesn’t belong”. Lol I’ll be the weak link. 😞

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  3. Good timing for this question. I have not received an obvious Hoover in the 9+ months but I am getting friend requests from people I don’t know who have no friends & very little personal info available. All attractive men. The spectre?

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  4. You have written of the shade, the spectre. In keeping with the alliteration of incorporeal beings, shall the next be, the shadow?  I rather fancy, the wraith, myself. I find these pieces of writing to be quite beautiful in their presentation. Where your fantastical  imagination seems to take flight into an otherworldly realm. HG what shall quell the daemons at your side and of your mind?

    I recall this passage from the play, Vividly and it emmeshes itself within the hallowed halls that spectres flow and follow and within the hollowed chambers of one, such as thyself. The spectres without and within. The ghosts that haunt and hunt through all time and memory. Unreleasing and unrelenting. Awaiting the day of the Feast.

         “Avaunt! and quit my sight! let the earth hide thee!

    Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold;

    Thou hast no speculation in those eyes

    Which thou dost glare with!”

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  5. “Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King
    I do not want an exorcist. Period. I WANT MY GHOST, G.xxx

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  6. The Histrionic no longer haunts my thoughts, nor does the first Narcissist..but, I am still allowing myself to be haunted my the Victim Narcissist, it seems. I can dissociate from it all easily, but for some reason I’m not allowing myself to do so, as if I need to hold on long enough to learn some hard lessons in order to protect myself from another. I have Spammed his Lieutenant’s emails, but when I went into my SPAM the other day to check for anything that accidentally slipped in there, I saw another email that his Lieutenant had written to me. It does trigger me. It also makes me very angry. Thus, I write a new poem when I feel enraged.
    Tamara

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    1. He gives new meaning to, last but not least, being a lesser. Being the last, he is more difficult to purge and his antics and those of his lieutenants are not making it any easier for you to move past it. I rarely think of MN and when I do, I feel little. Time does heal when they remain far from us. MCN, is different for me as well.

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  7. The Lieutenant needs to be exorcised, too. She unceasingly vomits out her puke-green words to me in emails, with bits of 360 degree, head-turning jabs to entice and provoke me. If she was here, I might involuntarily tear her to pieces. They do know how to push one’s buttons!

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    1. Yes, they are tremendous button pushers. Forte, is an understatement.
      MCN had one of his princess and the Pea soup contact me as well. Ignore them all, Tamara….delete and block and spam.

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  8. Poetic, yes they do! The first Narc, himself, hoovered me but he was married to a woman from Russian Cupid a few months after I broke up with him. He recently hoovered me telling me his wife was visiting his mom. He started talking in sexually explicit detail and I told him, “I can’t believe you’re talking to me like this when you have a wife!” So, I blocked him, and then he emailed me asking if we could play, WORD (that online scrabble game), and I just totally ignored him, which was easy to do bcuz for him, I feel nothing.

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    1. Tamara, they think they can do as they please, when they please, with whom ever they please. As they think they are entitled and owed our obedience to do so. How nervy of him to think you would enrage with him. Ha ha On the word game, probably so he could spell out explicit words there too. I am happy to hear you ignored and removed emotion for him.

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  9. Poetic, I like the sexual explicitness from someone in whom I am in a committed relationship, but not from someone who is MARRIED. (duhhhhh; seriously, what an “id” he showed himself to be). Yes, I know how he would have come up with words for Scrabble that, strangely, were “unallowed” words, but he was able to use, and just happened to have the
    letters to do so! I should have said, “I will play”, and thus spelled out: I AM TELLING YOUR WIFE D*** Sh**.

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