Warned

 

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“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

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86 thoughts on “Warned”

  1. What is it about you? Why the hell do I feel so attached to you? (I NEVER want to here the word (attached) ever again!

    I think you like the idea of me, because if you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me. (Truth).

    I don’t know how to feel about you, or even if I should. But please beleive that I have feelings for you.
    Oh sure you do! Of hate, envy and jealousy!

    I could go on. But I’m just about managing to get my head around it all . Never have I suffered anxiety like this. I’m so thankful this blog exists, it’s helping me to remain somewhat sane. I totally lost myself.
    Looking back, he, in a non-direct way, told me how it was going to play out.
    Thanks again.

  2. Perhaps not only are Narcs attracted to me, but I, to them? This is an eerie thought which I do not understand!! Yes, they are charming, ETC..but still, some actually are attracted to them like a magnet? Is this so, HG Tudor?

  3. For some reason, My Notifications are not being made visible to me. If anyone tries to respond or reply to me, I don’t mean to be rude if I don’t answer back, but my site is messing up for some reason. I am missing many things. I am trying to work with it…

  4. Wow!! Reading that sent shivers down my spine. Almost word for word is what i got. What id like to know HG is at the time these narcs are saying things like this to us, are they genuinely having a moment when they are warning us? Or is it another manipulation tactic or reverse psychology tactic? At times when he gave me these lines my gut was telling me he was actually warning me and letting me know what i was getting into. A recent line he gave me was ” its pointless spending time with the ppl i love most because they always end up leaving me anyway”.
    So im asking now if there are sometimes an honest vulnerable moment that they share with u? Or is it all fake?

    1. It is a bit of both. There is a warning inherent in what is being said but we are not doing it to warn you from our perspective. If you will, there are warnings on lots of things that we do early in the relationship through all of the Red Flags but we do not convey these as an intentional warning to you but they are. When we say the things that I wrote about in Warned, these are warnings as well but they are not intended as such by us. Instead, they are a form of manipulation which is designed to make you feel sorry for us so you give us fuel and to then allow us to throw it back in your face at a later stage. It is an honest moment but unintentionally so on our part.

  5. But, even these words seemed so precious to me because it was like he was “opening up” to me and being vulnerable. It made me love him even more. He told me one time that the reason he knew we’d work out great together is because I had told him that “No matter how broken he was, I’d still always love him.” But, he did not allow me to love him. He pushed me away farther and farther, and then said it was all my fault that the relationship didn’t work. Of course, his words were, “You are going to Hell!”

    1. Yes, Tamara, MCN did the same, I wanted to love him and accept and him, he just couldn’t allow me to do so. He needed to be wanted for who he was not, who he pretends to be the facade, not the real him. Ironically, all I ever wanted was someone to love me for myself.
      He ties to use your faith against you. It is all he had to use. He was and is wrong.

      1. I was in a very long relationship at one time with a man who I was told later, was a Histrionic. He used to hit me really hard, (and many other things), for having “bad thoughts”, as he was a “Believer”. It’s a very long, and disturbing story.

    1. It is not an intentional warning. It is done to draw fuel from you by making you feel sorry for us and to then throw back at you at a later stage by telling you that we told you so and therefore you only have yourselves to blame (which allows us to blame-shift).

  6. My favorite one in all of this was “What else?”

    Like many of you all noted above, I too had this dialog with my recent ex. I think he meant it, meaning he WAS worried it would end and didn’t wish for that. And had no clue how to stop, as fuel “is the rule”, before all else. The ex is midrange and has no clue. I almost think it’s more tortuous when you don’t know why you screw up relationships. What do you think HG?

    Maddie, I like your comment on how people without narcicism also say these things, particularly with low self esteem. Very true. I think the clue that this is spoken by a narcicist for me, besides the initials HG attached ☺️, is the “what else?” quote…I giggled when I read that phrase. Fuel….

  7. Mine kept telling me he had “mental issues”, “emotional problems” “mental problems” – but, wouldn’t go into details. What do you think he meant, HG?

  8. PM, I forgave her over and over just like you did. She was mean one night and the next morning she asked how I was and I said “fine”. She asked if I was mad at her and I said “no, I forgive you, it’s a new day”. I’m sure it was another time she was thinking to herself ‘I got you’. Another victory for her. I think forgiveness is another trait that we have that we should be grateful for. We will know who to give it to from now on. Not everyone deserves it.

      1. We need to heed that , I know I definitely do. He showed me in subtle and obvious ways. I hoped he was wrong. He was right. I was wrong to pretend he wasn’t deceiving me and that he loved me.

      2. PM you werent wrong or pretending..he was. We tend to believe words and trust people. Unfortunately because we’re amazing we attract people who aren’t and will never be on our level.

      3. It has got to point where I don’t even want to talk to men I don’t know anymore. I am the type that says good morning. Have nice day. Smiles at people, makes eye contact…a normal man will engage in similar manner, but the narcissist may see it a cue to attach. I don’t want to change how I am to people. For fear of being ensnared. I just don’t want to engage in conversation beyond small talk, which they will abhor and find then find me boring.

    1. Yes, I am sure MCN, knew and felt a coup in that I would always forgive and accept him. We truly do show them how they can treat us by accepting their atrocious behaviours. He raged at me so many times over his need to be right. Have the last word, me challenging him, asserting my rights, unearthing his lies. In four years together I only showed him anger once, which amounted to using the f word three times and that one occasion was orchestrated as a means to leave him. Why, because he felt it was okay for him to engage that way at me for years and I forgave him, it was not okay I got angry even once, what he Expected to be forgiven, he found unforgivable. I knew he would behave this way. It was my only means to ensure he would be gone. Even then I felt guilt for what I said to him, as ridiculous as that sounds. even though I meant none of it. The guilt was having to do it that way.
      But it worked, with minimal Hoover efforts, no meeting or harassment from him. It is In the criticism , In fact that they think we have no right to do what they do to us, that we can escape.
      You are so right, not everyone deserves our love, our trust or our respect. Things given so freely, must now be earned.
      It is good to problem solve this aloud, Snow White.

      1. I too had to do something unforgivable to escape. Mine worked as well. Have not heard a word since he discovered and ignited his fury. I unmasked him. Doing so was the right thing for everyone involved but was hardest thing I have ever done. I too feel a lot of guilt, not for telling the truth, but for betraying him like that. I am trying to keep in mind all the times he betrayed me in big and small ways….cheating, lies, fake love, not taking care of my heart, silent treatment, devalue….devalue….destroy.

        💔

      2. If we want freedom, then we must be proactive, be use waiting for them, could be waiting till the end of time. Plus, creates more hurt and abuse for us.
        I understand you guilt, please remove it, if you alone know it had no malice behind it and it was to facilitate your escape. He will blame you no matter what way it occurred. Just as MCN did me. We need mot name ourselves as well. My guilt is lessening, as I know it was never meant to hurt him. Besides he had other women lined up to fuel him ready for my departure.
        Yes, his betrayals are the reason you did what you did what you did what you had to do. Xx

    2. Hi Snow White and Poetic Me,
      Sometimes forgiveness is for ourselves, not them 😊 we can forgive them to let go and not hold onto the pain. It’s not theirs to request but our choosing. Mine said in his last Hoover, “I gave you 2months to forgive me”….😂😂😂😂😂 like I can forgive on command on HIS time. I actually do forgive him, just not forgetting what he did…and that is the hard part for me, and I’m doing it day by day.

      1. Amen to this Indy. It is for myself. To forgive Him and myself for me to move on. He clearly said to me near the end, I do not need your forgiveness. It was me, who needed to give it.

      2. Hi PM and Indy, I agree that it is very helpful to use this blog to think aloud. It has done wonders for me to admit my own faults here and to grow and learn from people like you. The information is life changing….my ex is still throwing out there that she forgives me. And I think what’s worse is that she believes that. I am the one that forgives her just like both of you do. I will never forget either. It sure is day by day because my emotions are all over the place. ❤️❤️

      3. 😂 Indy he gave you 2 months 😂

        And yes forgiveness is for us not them. I’ve had to forgive many people so that the negative feelings can go and leave room for all the positive ones.

      4. Hi Indy , jhm gave me 2 months as well – then he decided he couldn’t have someone like me in his life And discarded me- unlike you I don’t forgive .
        I relate to you poetic me and Snow White and Liberty gal and Clarece ❤️❤️❤️❤️

      5. Hi Christine,
        Be glad he left! It is a hidden blessing!
        Not sure if you know my story, I left mine 2 months ago, formally. He tried hovering me back last week with hundreds of messages, one message was arrogant enough to actually say “I gave you two months to forgive me”. This was after I left him. It made me laugh for a few reasons: 1.) He tried to assert he had power over me and tried to pretend that I did not end it. 2.) Nobody tells me WHEN and WHETHER I forgive. 3.) I forgave him for my sanity(He really is in a painful place and I feel sorry that he is in pain, but not sorry enough to go back), though he will not know this as I am in NC.

        Hang in there, Christine.

  9. Yes, I am amazing, incredible and so much more. I don’t need to be told by anyone. I rather like myself and if I could I would date myself. Eureka! There it is right with me all along. I am the one for me. Ah, Hug, please.

    Thank goodness I am not one of the unlucky ones in your sight or his anymore.

    Shoo fly, don’t bother me.

  10. “You have me forever”.
    And therein lies the invisible contract, signed, sealed and delivered. Forever bound with hoovers, The Mixture, Ever presence…

    1. Clarece, FOREVER! I wish I would have understood what that meant back then. Torture for the rest of our lives.

    2. Hi Clarece! Everyday I learn something new here…the mixture? Good God, is this another thing I have to look for…I know what ever presence is and have been hoovered up and down …..what is “the mixture” so I can be on guard. 😳😱

      1. Hi Christine, it’s hard for the heart to catch up isn’t it? I feel the same way.

  11. This certainly hits …home, where the heart is. I dare say many of us have probably been involved in a dialogue similar to this one. I know I have, even down to the some of the same wording. The heralding of troubled times ahead by the Narcissist. I did the same as In this article, I dismissed his words as simply being self deprecating and of low self esteem, that he felt unworthy of my love. So. I reassured him he was wrong. He thanked me for being me, so loving. So accepting, so patient, so understanding, so good to be with him, to forgive him. To remain with him, to wait. That all he wanted was my happiness and if he could not be the one to make me happy then he would be a gentleman and not stand In the way of someone else making me happy. That he would always love me, but my happiness was what he wished for most. To which I always stated, don’t say such things. You know only you can make me happy. Knowing I too was lying, knowing he made me cry, he made me feel ashamed, guilty, lonely. But, In the times that he was with me, In the times from When he returned from giving me A silent treatment, he did make me feel happy. Or did he make me feel relieved or grateful? The fact is as much as he lied to me to reap my fuel, I lied to myself and ignored the signs. How much was love and how much was addiction?

    1. I am right with you PM. I heard the same things and like you I was the one crying while reassuring her that she was loved and that she made me happy. They had strings to our hearts and kept on pulling. The warnings continued and so did the crying all through the relationship. We both ignored the signs. ❤️🍎

      1. Snow White, yes I cried when he raged, I cried when he apologized, I cried when he silenced me, when he returned, when I found about the lies, the women. Even if I really look back at the first two years. There were still signs before the silences.
        I think he mirrored me so well and knew me so well that he became the man of my dreams, the one the little girl wished for through her tears. That I can forgive so much and he knew this of me. He knew I wouldn’t leave him for health reasons and he played to that. He knew I was loyal and faithful.
        Now we know, Snow White, we know the signs and I truly hope we all can remain free from glare of false love. I don’t need to be loved, I just want to give and receive love mutually.

    2. I feel you PM. My experience as well, nearly word for word. I have arrived at a place where I know what I felt for him was not love. Infatuation and obsession yes. With a conscience. The conscience being the differentiator between he and I.

      It is not possible to love someone who doesn’t love you. I find myself resisting that knowing sometimes. My mind saying “Yes, but…” For if I admit I did not really love him, but instead reveled in validation and adoration just as he did, I feel I lose my right to indignation and “better than” status over him.

      How freeing.

      1. Yes , Bethany, I felt I loved him, maybe because I wanted to love him, but I knew that what he was doing wasn’t love, all those silences and disappearances, the cheating and lies. I don’t know when it stopped being love for me and became addiction to Maintaining that lie. And was I maintaining it for him, myself and both of us.
        What you said is so true and it is freeing….we were just pretending for different reasons. I wanted to love him and I wanted him to love me. That is why I held on so long, knowing I should have left long ago. I knew he would disappear more and more, but I knew he wouldn’t let me go. I knew I had to do it for him and us. And I waivered , why again? What was I afraid of losing? A man whom I knew never loved me or the illusion I wished was true?
        Bethany, if we are self honest what you say in the whole truth. Inside we do know it is a lie and we carry on in denial. It is why I do not hate or feel anger towards them. I do feel saddness and a sense of loss. But, again, I don’t know what I have lost? I think perhaps. That is what I am looking for.
        What you wrote is so validating Bethany. Thank you.

      1. Yes, Tamara, I wonder some times, is it worse we see then and ignore them? Then if we never saw them at all? Sometimes I wish I was obliviously unaware. Or,just when I see it I take action ASAP and don’t ignore what I know to be true and hope it changes or disappears.

      2. I know what you mean, Poetic. I suppose the best outcome would be to see the RedFlags immediately, and then to act right away by bailing out in a flash- (though I still have difficulty with this becuz the Night in Shining Armor has always been my dream, and reality).

      3. Tamara, there are many good, decent and genuine men out there. The key is that we recognize and also spot the false ones, like Narcissists. So we do not chose wrongly again.

      4. I thought the same thing, but it isn’t us, the attach to us, more then we attract them, we are simply being who we are and they see that and hone I n on it for their own advantage. As HG said, parasites.

    3. Poetic_me, could have written your comment myself. Exactly sums up what me and my ex narc where like.
      I also got, if you’d met me a few years ago you wouldn’t have even liked me. Take it that was before he’s fine tuned is manipulative skills.

      1. If only we had a time machine Freedom.
        How are doing today? I keep losing track of thread articles and replies, not sure if I missed replying to you. Wanted you to know I am thinking of you and it is so nice to read your posts again.

      2. Yes if only we did have that time machine.
        Not too bad today work is very. Jay so keeping me focused. I need a few days just reading these blogs to catch up.
        It’s always good to hear others and there run ins with narcs helps ground me a gain and stops me from looking at him through those rose tinted glasses again and feeling sad.

        Hope your day was good to 😘

      3. Being busy helps, Freedom. Yes, feeling sad, makes us human in our emotions. I hope that saddness is replaced with happier emotions soon for you .
        I am home for night shift, sleep for me soon. Xx

  12. Funny, the warning and all those nice words were said to me right when I was being discarded (‘broken up with’). Wouldn’t it normally happen during the golden period?

  13. “The longer you are around me the less you will like me.”

    “Careful what you wish for.”

    “You are better than me. You are nice. I am not nice.”

    If only I had listened. If only I hadn’t been hell or high water determined to prove him wrong. If only I could have know what was in store for me. If only I could have noticed the monster hiding behind the mask of a broken boy.

  14. Oh boy. Heard almost all of this. Sounds so familiar. Of course, he wasn’t as eloquent as you, but the sentiments were the same. Thank you H G for illuminating your kind.

  15. HG, I’ve been referring your blog to many other women who’ve been begging for help because they’re caught up in the webs of married men and are completely lost and/or broken. I’m not feeling as though they’re really latching onto my advice and suggestions of looking into your blog, mostly because, I believe, they may not think their MM are Narcissists. Who knows, maybe they’re not, but I feel you provide so much insight to the possibility of it being true and I’m hoping you can suggest certain posts to at least get them started on a different mindset. I know for myself, it was a little overwhelming at first, when I began reading your blog, but the more time I took reading it, the better I understood and became hooked on your stories. So, as to not overwhelm these women, I was hoping to send them actual links that are suggested directly from you. Thanks in advance for helping me and so many others.

    1. Hello Sharon,
      Excuse the delay in replying. I have been away. Thank you for referring the blog to other people. Yes, it can be difficult for people to grasp what they are dealing with as there is a natural inclination towards denial and making excuses. Entirely understandable behaviour and behaviour on which we rely. There is a considerable body of work which would naturally assist them, but I would suggest sending them the following to get them started:-

      https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2015/10/07/the-power-of-illusion/
      https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2016/06/13/weapons-of-mass-seduction-part-one-5-rules-of-attraction/
      https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2016/09/04/one-is-never-enough/
      https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2016/03/04/after-the-storm-has-passed/
      https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2016/07/20/the-17-salvos-of-silence/

  16. Standard script… but also many non narcissistic people with low self esteem would say that…. I heard it and said few of them myself but that’s because I’ve been made to believe that people are better of without me… isn’t that surprising? Thinking of You xxxx

  17. I heard all of it from him word for word!!! Unbelievable!!!! Part of me thought I only imagined him saying those things until I read your post HG. Smh.

  18. This is exactly what he said in the beginning and then during times I allowed him to come back. Last night he even wrote “I don’t want to be mean anymore”.

    He always had great success with “showing his human side” and I would immediately forget he was a monster because I didn’t understand it was all part of the play.

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