Fearful

 

Fear comes in many forms. It has the capacity to cause dread, anxiety and nervousness. Fear is one of the most powerful tools that exists to facilitate control over somebody. Think back to when you were a small child and the things that frightened you. Many of them have a universal applicability. How many times did you cry out to your mother and father in the night because you were frightened of the “monsters under the bed” and you were terrified that once the bedroom door was closed that something would come creeping out of the wardrobe and induce utter fear throughout you? Perhaps it was the strange shapes that formed once the light was turned off with only moonlight streaming through the crack in the curtains so that the shadow thrown across the room appeared like some old crone waiting to come and take you away and eat you. How many times were you warned as a child never to speak to strangers, never to get into a car with somebody you did not know and never to accept sweets from a stranger? Do you recall how this conjured up images of smelly old men in stained raincoats who waited to abduct you and spirit you away to be locked up who knows where? Perhaps there was that house on your walk back from school which had attracted a certain reputation. It was run-down, the garden overgrown, with bushes spilling onto the path, the windows grimy and paint peeling. You were never sure whether anybody actually lived there. Some said that a witch resided there and she waited for children passing on their own before grabbing them and stuffing them in her cellar to starve to death. Others told tales on stormy afternoons which made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, about the spirits that haunted the old house. A friend would swear that he had walked past, one wet and windy evening, just as it was going dark and he saw the face of a ghostly child staring at him from an upstairs window, the child’s spectral hands knocking against the window as if requesting help. After hearing that tale you took a different route home from school so you did not have to pass this particular house anymore. If that was not possible, you would run past, head down, shouting at the top of your voice to drown out any strange sounds that might come from the trapped ghost child, as you dared not even look towards the house. Fear often stalked your childhood and resulted in sleepless nights, nightmares and a reluctance to go to bed. Do you remember being sent to bed and staring up the stairs towards the darkness wondering what was waiting for you? How you did not want to appear scared in front of your parents (especially since they had let you stay up a while longer because you were a “big boy/girl” now). You wanted to hand those words back as you hovered at the base of the stairs, the hallway colder than the living room from which you had ventured. How many times did the noise of the house settling, resulting in strange groans and creaks convince you that somebody was waiting out of sight in a doorway, their heavy booted foot resting on the squeaky floorboard, rusty axe clutched in greasy, long-nailed fingers?  Did the sight of a clown have you running to hide in the folds of your mother’s dress, that strange leering and accentuated mouth creating panic in your tiny mind? What did that eerie clown have in mind for you?

It might have been a reluctance to paddle barefooted in the sea or a river because you could not see where you were putting your feet. You felt something brush your foot, most likely seaweed, but in your mind some razor-toothed fish was about to take a bite from your ankle or a crab was about to affix a pincer to your big toe. You turned and ran hollering from the edge of the sea back to the safety of the sandy beach. There may have been a murderer’s alleyway in your town, a badly-lit passageway between two roads which was a convenient and easy short cut during the day but at night the purported preserve of lurking knife merchants and yellow-toothed stranglers who were just waiting to pounce and take your life. You stood staring down the alleyway trying to drive the rising fear from you but it just would not go and instead you opted to walk the long way around. It took twenty extra minutes but at least you got home safely.

Fear continued to stalk your life as you grew older. You might not be worried about the bogeyman anymore but he has shapeshifted into the fear that comes with finding a lump about your body and not knowing what it is. Uncertainty about the business for whom you work has you tossing and turning at night. Wondering where the next pay check will come from has you similarly fearing for the future. Walking alone along a road at night and hearing footsteps behind you still causes your heart rate to increase. A glance over your shoulder as you cross the road to the other pavement only serves to heighten your worry as a hooded figure also crosses the road. Your step quickens as your fear increases and your mind floods with images of robbery, rape or murder. When alone in the house at night the sound of a bang from downstairs has you sat bolt upright in bed. What was that noise? Did you dream it? Was it somebody breaking in? Was it something not of this world, a poltergeist perhaps hurling a book against a wall. You cannot see what caused the noise and immediately the fear forms in the pit of your stomach, your racing mind conjuring up a score of unpleasant scenarios as you debate creeping to the top of the stairs and peering down to see if you can ascertain what it was.

Fear takes hold of you and makes your reasoning faulty. It tightens around your throat stopping you from calling out and turns your legs into stone so you are figuratively petrified and unable to escape that unseen tormentor. Fear withers you, paralyses you and you will do anything at all to escape that sensation of fear. It is pervasive, damaging and controlling.

Your greatest fears always stem from the unknown. It is that which you cannot see which causes you the greatest terror. When you cannot see something you are plunged into fear, its icy grip takes hold and you crumble. The unknown and the unseen create the fear. That is why we are so devastatingly effective in our control of you. That is why we create such numbing fear in you.

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187 thoughts on “Fearful”

  1. Just being curious, how are Narcs’ reactions to surprises or scary situations?

    The reason of my question is because I just realized that I had a best friend, a Greater N, in my life when I was in High School. We loved to tease each other a lot and he always scared me with some practical jokes but I was never able to scare him (and I tried very hard!). It was like he had a constant and “unmovable” obscure emotional flatness and I felt the constant impulse to “cheer him up” which he enjoyed but that flatness was always there. The same happened with my ex, a Mid Ranger. He was more rude, self pity play and theatrical in his reactions but had the same emotional flatness.

    The thing is I feel the same impulse with a certain person and I’m afraid to repeat the same pattern (it looks like just an immature person with some narcissistic traits, so far). I can remember one occasion, in a haunted house attraction in a theme park, when that person was very, very scared and I’m pretty sure he was not acting (my ex, on the other hand had no reaction at all and I sensed he was very uncomfortable, like he was hiding something. He had the same reaction every time he has to go to the hospital or a funeral. Now I’m suspecting he was afraid of not reacting well, according to the situation.)

    I know it is not a logical question but it is something I noticed in many other situations and wonder if you can shed some light on the matter.

    Thank you in advance.

  2. I am looking for the other sister wives. Any volunteers? We get to meet MatriNarc via skype/facetime.

    I hope no one thinks this is serious, I am sure not but one can never know.

    1. Hello SA,
      I just escaped being a real sister wife. Lol..I was definitely brainwashed. I can’t even imagine 10 total. You made me laugh. Thanks

      1. Serious? LDS Fundamentalist? I personally do not play well with others. I do not share my toys, at least not while I am playing with them. Hell NO!

      2. Unfortunately SA it’s true and no, I am not. Now that I am not under the spell I look back and wonder WTF!!!! I was about to marry a female narc and would have been her second wife and completely under her control.

      3. You are strong! Miss Snow White. Time will heal it all. You might not forget but the memories will be without emotions. Funny how this happens. I think back when I first came on this scene and how I felt, it took about 60 days total of immense suffering. My ego is a real bitch at times. 30 days of feeling WTF. Now everyday I feel so fucking good.
        It does not take me long to recover once the initial devastation happens. It was a blip on the radar in the big picture.

        I am thinking it was not going to be a legal marriage as she was already married.

        Happy you are here to feel better.

      4. Thanks SA,
        It’s encouraging to me that you feel so great after everything that’s happened to you. I will too one day.
        No, it wouldn’t have been legal and I would have been in over my head and not sure how to get out.
        ❤️🍎❤️

  3. Re your question…your mom’s mortification is the goal, is it not? That’s okay. You moving here to take 10 brides is a better idea. It also puts me off the hook. Have fun!

    1. 1j1 we can oversee the other 8. But the lot of us will sneak off and wreak havoc on Las Vegas. Colorado City is not far from here, and we can set up our compound very close to this one.
      I believe the fuel he would get from 10 of us would kill him.

  4. The eggs reminds me of that awful movie. Maybe it was Runaway Bride? Vile The pooor lady could not even decide how she liked her eggs. What the ever loving f? I like mine sunny side up. Eat the whites around the yolk then stab the yolk with a spoon to get the yolky good.

  5. I fear living with the increasing numbness that has invaded me more and more since 2009 when everything in my world changed. As insightful and helpful as your writings have been, I cannot bear the thought of going thru the rest of my life and not experiencing romantic love again on a genuine level. It seems more remote than ever. For me it is the bedrock of human existence. It is what creates life. I’m tired of trying to understand. I’m exhausted from being hypervigilant to guard my heart. I’m beaten down by loneliness.

    1. An understandable position to be in BS. I am sure that there are plenty of people who will tell you that genuine love is achievable, I of course cannot, but I have little doubt that other posters will offer you their insightful wisdom.

  6. I have, yet easier to just ask you then waste time away from this book That has capture my attention to go looking for it.
    Thanks I will have it sent by tomorrow evening.

  7. I just finished reading confessions of a narcissist, loved it, yet your mother, I have a few choice words I could say.
    Well on to the next book, lovely day listening to the rain and relaxing with a good book and cup of tea.

  8. It’s worked before, you deserve peace from the creature HG.
    Why I have hope for change, acceptance for who you are and not trying to force change.

  9. I am curious and if I have over step I apologized ahead of time, is writing your books, this blog and talking with the doctors changing your perspective and need for fuel?

  10. So, I was wondering…if someone came up to you and slapped you, and you had no proof in which to have them arrested, would you kill them? I just wonder things like this. Or, what if you came home to find your house had been robbed. How would a Narcissist handle these situations? I am only curious.

    1. No I would not kill them. That would be too easy. I would invent the proof and have them dealt with and after that I would unleash further manipulations against them to punish them for their audacity in assaulting me.
      If I had been burgled I would regard that as a criticism and I would need to find fuel as quickly as possible. most likely I would call the police and whilst waiting for them gather fuel from the primary source, if there, or by contacting supplementary sources. I would also gain fuel from the police on their arrival.
      if I have evidence to show who had committed the burglary then I would punish them in my own way also.

  11. Thank you HG for the time to answer my questions! As much as you have helped me no! Saved me from a very low time in my life! I want to see you move on and beat this thing! You are very special whether you believe it or not and I want only peace, happiness, and love for you!!! Xxx

    1. FM, that makes me want to cry. You are very special too!❤️ HG, have you felt different emotions that you haven’t previously experienced or that may have been buried somewhere deep while you are writing this? I know your emotions are different than ours.

      1. Do you believe in writing the book, even though it is difficult will have helped you get through somethings that you have perhaps blocked from yourself? If not then why are you writing it? HG I’m just trying to understand this from your view point that is all. I mean no type of disrespect to you! You are a wonderful writer and I’m sure many will want to read this book more then any other you have written. But if it is hurting you so much to write it then why are you putting yourself through this?

      2. Does your Matrinarc know of the books you published under HG? Is that one goal, to reveal her using your real name on a book eventually? I know writing it is extremely hard and incredibly brave to do and therapeutic, even if that is not your primary goal….

      3. Why bother to take her down, she won’t care. Just kill her with kindness. Do not waste your energy or is this a game for you. It is one you will not win in the end. Want me to trip her? I will. >

      4. I slapped my mother in the face at 13 years of age. Had she not laid me out on the floor, I would have been beyond repair. I never had a spanking from my father (Yes, I was his Princess) but my mom would spank us but not often at all. I was the one that was not controllable but I do know why and yes, it was her hand in it that caused my upsets. I use to give her a hall pass, with a “she did the best she could wit the tools she had. I forgive her.” But as of late my therapist said, OH her no! Get mad at her, be pissed at her. She abandoned you, she let you down. etc. After I looked at it this way I felt like I again evolved. Free at last, Free at last. She died when I was 30 and I never was able to tell her what I felt. I was stopped by my siblings.

        What will you win HG? Mental satisfaction?

      5. What made you slap your mother? Did you know what would come next, did you care or did you lose yourself in a moment of madness? How did your father react to the altercation between the two of you? What will I win? The battle, the final admission, the release.

      6. She did not wake me to to eat dinner. I lost myself in the moment and I hated her that much. I didn’t care what would have happened.

        I came from a divorced home.She told me she never loved my father and he loved her and never remarried. I wanted to be with my father and lived with him one year of my childhood. She said in that one year he ruined me. He didn’t at all, he did spoil me. We lived in Germany.
        My father really never knew all the dark things that happened until a few years before he died. He cried and cried. I should not have told him.
        When my father would come to get me for the weekend my mother told him all the shit things I would do and he would say, No Ivy, she would not do this. He could not believe his Princess could be so vile and full of hate. This is how I ended up in Las Vegas, to be with him. I came after high school. He passed in 2007 and he was my hero and the first man I loved and adored. He was the one who introduced me to the arts. Opera, classical music, beautiful things in life and he taught me love. He was a gentle giant 6’2″ plus
        Once I asked my mom to cook me an egg as I break the yolk when I do. So she said no for me to try it and the yoke did not break. She laughed and said “I told you you could do it.” I was so upset I broke the yoke and said I would not eat it. So I threw it away. She warned me that if I did not eat this egg, I was not going to eat an egg at all. I then proceeded to cook another, all without breaking the yoke and she came over and broke it. We went through a dozen eggs. I never did get to eat an egg that I could dip my bread in. I did not have eggs that morning. A few stories like this.

        RELEASE is perfect.

        I still love my mom and I do forgive her. She lost her mom when she was 16 and her dad came from upper crust (they owned 3 Music (piano)stores) and he was an alcoholic. Interesting story about him actually. He was very handsome and posed for artist besides being in the insurance business. I have a couple of these paintings. All went to crap when her mom died. She was an only child. (her older sister died at a few days old.)I had my ancestry done. This is why I know all this.
        I will tell you more in private if you are interested. BTW I look like my mom. My jaw is not as square as hers but my profile is exact.

      7. Honestly HG, I eat eggs all different ways. Depending on what I desire. Over easy , I can dip the toast. Scrambled is for a fast meal of protein. poached for Eggs Benedict. Omelets too, a Santa Fe from Original Pancake House, is my favorite.
        Oh Egg White Frittata at the club house.

        I will send a private email when you catch up as I do not want to sit in the queue for weeks.

      8. Does she know she is in battle? Does she know she is in your crosshairs? Will this happen when she dies? Whisper in her ear on her death bed when she can’t respond back. Tell her she is destine for HELL. If she is religious then she will have that very stiff reaction you speak of. Then look her directly in her eyes. She will then know the real demon she has constructed. Just an idea. >

      9. SA,
        If she is smart she will understand that we are all going to hell or the grave. Hell is the misinterpreted word used interchangeably with the word sheol. Sheol is the common grave. Sheol was a location outside the wall of Jerusalem where garbage and some dead were put and burned. Sheol was then always burning with fire. I know you are atheist but, there is no such thing as a burning tortuous hell. In fact if you throw something into a fire it doesn’t burn forever and if God is love, why would he burn people on purpose? He doesn’t. Hell is a tactic dreamed up by organized religion to control the people. It is not what the Bible teaches. Okay scriptural reference for skeptics…

        Genesis 3:19 and Ecclesiasties 9:5, 10.
        Jus sayin.
        I’m sure HG with his brilliant devious mind will come up with some nasty payback. After all she taught him right?

      10. I believe he did say he was raised in the church. He seemed to make note of the idea I suggested so I am going to be safe in saying I believe she thinks she is a Christian woman and it is her story and she is sticking to it. Grave? NOTHING AFTER DEATH> I am being cremated. If you knew the embalming procedure and you might, you could consider cremation too. Believe it or not, I am going to the county morgue and tour it next week. I think it will be very creepy and very interesting.

        Again, the bible might be your go to book but it is NOT mine. Never was and never will be. I said I rejected it at five years old. Just how I was made. What did Lady Gaga sing? “born this way” There is no heaven or hell anywhere other then right here, right now. Today I am in Heaven sitting in peaceful quiet in my kitchen typing away. I live in US with so many Christians, including my family, my children excluded, I am over it. This is why I like the Scandinavian countries and will spend more time there next summer. I won’t have to hear about what the bible has in it. Please quote me something from Hitchens or Hawkins.

        Now if HG was humoring me in his response then so be it. No harm no foul. I personally will not care either way. It is all a word game with my little cyber buddy. Besides he likes it when we plot against the MatriNarc.

        Thanks for your concern though. I will keep in mind that HG does not need my help.

        >

      11. Are you Jewish? I believe by this response, you are. But again even with this belief don’t you follow commands of what you are to do? I would have Shabbat with my friends. Personally it seemed like a ritual but I respected their lifestyle and enjoyed the breaking of bread. No GOD thought up by man, and in his image. How ugly. >

      12. I’m not Jewish. I agreed with you. There is no hell. Did you read what I wrote? The scriptures I cited confirm there is no hell. I didn’t say that HG didn’t need your help. I am not concerned about what you believe, it’s your pick. I know he, she is some type of Christian. I know he said that they were, I didn’t say otherwise. I agree with you that once you are dead you are dead. In fact both the bible teaches that, again I cited scriptures for that. I will be cremated if I die. I know some mainstream religions teach this is a sin but, the bible does not say that.
        Gosh SA where did I say the things you suggest? Now as far as your Hawkins guy, I agree with his stance that mainstream religion has controlled people with lies. The things alot of them teach are rooted in paganism. It not hard to find that out, all you have to do is question why the religious organizations teach what they teach and based upon what.

      13. Again, no hard feelings here. I am just firm in my delivery. The BIBLE HAS NO Validity ON MY THOUGHTS. It can say the sky is blue and it does not matter. It is not a reference for me.
        Perhaps I read your post incorrectly, for this please accept my humble apology.

      14. Oh SA…u know you’re my girl…no apologies necessary. I know that the bible is a fairytale to you. I was not and will not ever expect you to look at it as valid. If I comment back to you using the bible it is never to use it as a weapon against you. I know it holds no value to you. I respect your conviction. I will try to remember to not mention it to you. Only if you invite me to prove atheism wrong. And then I could probably do that without a bible….lol I was thinking of going to Castle Rock Colorado. Aren’t you in Colorado?

      15. Hebrews 4:12. It simply says what it says. If it pricks your conscience then you are the only one besides God who knows why. If it hurts then you made it a weapon. When you read the bible it is reading you too. It discerns your thoughts and intentions. It cuts deep down to your core through the facade. I’m not using it as a weapon, your mind and heart discern whether it is a weapon. The other side as a shield is correct too as it provides warning examples and laws and principles to shield you from making mistakes. You choose whether you accept or deny the warning by choosing to act in accord with laws and principles or not, exercising your free will. You choose whether to look at the bible as restrictive or protective. Nobody forces you to comply. So I just throw out what the Bible teaches on the subject and you get to decide. If anyone has any questions about what the Bible teaches about a matter, I have no problem directing them to where information can be found in the bible. Alot of people don’t know where to find it or are intimidated by it or cherry pick from it to suit their own interests. I think God’s thoughts on the matter, most of the time, (hey im a sinner just like everyone else so i do and say things not in line with the bible) this is why I make statements from the scriptures. Suffice?

      16. I understand the interpretation part when reading it for yourself. Are you stating that if say you and somebody else are discussing stealing, you might point to what the bible states about stealing and say “look, this is what the bible says about stealing” and leave it at that, allowing the recipient to interpret it as they see fit?
        Also, what if the relevant part of the bible is vague – it may be talking about stealing, but it could be interpreted as borrowing (just as an example) do you caveat your use by saying “I know we are talking about stealing, here is what the bible says and I think it is referring to stealing but it may not be” or do you only use those parts which are unequivocal? I’m not challenging you, I am just interested to understand your methodology when you quote the bible.

      17. The bible itself is like a puzzle. You have to work at the puzzle to get a complete picture. This really proves how serious you are about finding the answer. Now the bible is in complete harmony with itself. So you may ask is it right to steal? I show you scriptures that say God does not approve of it. You say, what if that is meaning borrowing? I say, let’s think about concept of borrowing verses stealing. We examine it together. We use the scriptures to come to the conclusion based on the laws principles and examples of what happened when people stole something or borrowed something. You draw the conclusion based on this. I do not cherry pick pieces. I look at every piece and see how they fit together and I don’t try to make a piece fit when it doesn’t. If you try to make it fit, it convolutes the big picture and your puzzle is forcibly completed incorrectly. The bible is interpreted by Context and Harmony with the rest of the bible. It interprets itself. No interpretation can be out of harmony with it as a whole. A modern language translation makes this easier to do. Rather than using an outdated language.

      18. Can not prove atheism to be wrong as it is just a belief that no gods exists. Just like it can not be proven that other life does not exist elsewhere in the Universe or Cosmos. They are pretty sure it does.
        But there is no GOD up there listening to prayers.

      19. OH MY HG! You have me mistaken for another. I do not pray. Not at all. I do something like OK BRAIN, SELF, (my name) WTF! Let’s figure it out. OR Damn, I can’t wait until this passes and it will as time is the healer.
        That would be a prayer for me. The heathen that I am.

      20. SA,
        Not necessarily. There are different forms of atheism. Do you believe there is not one God or there is no God or that science is the ruler of this world? Rhetorical. The last one runs into agnostic ideas. So, can you refute these beliefs? Yes. I’m not going to do that with you because you have no interest in it. It would be a waste of our time to get into it if you are not looking for knowledge. I don’t talk about it to argue. I speak of it to open minded individuals who are curious what the Bible teaches on a subject. So do not take offense. I am not attacking you. I respect your conviction.
        I’m in Detroit because Dad is in ICU. I will be back in NYC in a couple days. If he makes it.

      21. SA,
        According to the above link, atheism is practiced by some mainstream religions, such as Buddhists (i call it mainstream as its the 4th largest in the world). Thus showing you that there are religions that are atheistic. They believe not in a God Almighty in the heavens but in sages that enlightened. Jainism was the atheistic approach that Mahatma Gandhi based his teachings on. Still others became atheist based upon conflicting mainstream church doctrines and church teachings. Such as Darwin himself that was so upset by the notion of hell fire he came up with natural selection. To quote the website above:
        “The only common thread that ties all atheists together is a lack of belief in gods and supernatural beings. (Here I will say I’ve met atheists who believe in supernatural, ghosts, unseen energy, etc) of the best debates we have ever had have been with fellow atheists. This is because atheists do not have a common belief system, sacred scripture or atheist Pope. (Validating the idea that atheism comes in different forms). This means atheists often disagree on many issues and ideas. Atheists come in a variety of shapes, colors, beliefs, convictions, and backgrounds. We are as unique as our fingerprints.”
        With those things taken from your idea that there is one meaning and only one, isn’t that untrue?
        HG,
        This is just a partial explanation of what I meant by different forms of atheism.

      22. First please let me address your statement of “outdated Language” of the bible. This “out dated language”is the original text of this book and much is lost in translation. This is a quote from a man of GOD that was a friend of my late brother’s, who knew both Hebrew (original)and Greek which is the first language that was used to translate the BIBLE. So to say it is outdated is preposterous if you truly want to understand this book. Again from a learned man. So maybe you can explain your position on this.
        A linguist would agree that meanings can be lost in translation.

        What I mean by one belief of Atheism FOR MYSELF, as I do not speak for anyone else, not my job at this point, NO BELIEF in GOD OR GODS>
        a·the·ist
        ˈāTHēəst/
        noun
        noun: atheist; plural noun: atheists
        a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.

        Why does it matter what or why I believe this. I do know as a Christian, or I could be wrong, you are to convert and convince people to believe in Christianity.
        It just does not now or ever compute in my brain or my logic.
        One thing ALL atheist believe is no belief in GOD or GODS. On the same note, I can line up Christians and they will all have a different take on this DOGMA. Just like your belief that the ORIGINAL LANGUAGE IS OUTDATED and in this statement I assume you think that the translation is giving you the REAL INTENTIONS of the WRITINGS.

        I will NEVER see the world through your religious eyes and you will never see the world through my eyes of a non-believer.

        Why is this a debate on this page? This is about Narcissism NOT RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OR LACK THEREOF.

        I am going to a private dinner with Richard Dawkins next month, anything you want me to ask him.

      23. SA,
        I was not here to argue with you or anyone else. I said that earlier. Yet you continue to be defensive.

        You mentioned outdated language, I was not referring to the original languages of the bible (Hebrew, Aramaic & Greek) but to the language of the 17th century which is the bible that is most commonly used.

        No worries. If you are correct and there is no God or Gods then I am just fine. However if there is a God I’m fine that way too. How about yourself? Rhetorical once again.

        HG invited the discussion. I keep telling you I did not want to engage you. I respected your conviction, Yet you keep throwing out remarks, and I simply was answering those remarks. Example is above, you say you don’t want to discuss but then make a point. I will continue to address the points you make until you stop doing it. It’s up to you to let go of the horns.

        As far as your dinner, I sincerely hope you have a great time.

      24. You read my text incorrectly. Not confrontational. As you said too, I just wanted to understand your point more clearly.
        I said I am curious as to why it matters about my lack of belief in GOD/GODS.
        I will go back and re-read the treads. I am sure I was not looking to engage in a debate. I don’t recall, so many posts to read.
        Let’s agree to disagree.
        I have one more question for you. How old is the earth? How old is man? Do you believe we share a common ancestor with great apes?
        I think you know my answers.
        I find you very knowledgable in the Scripture. I am well versed in Dr. Seuss. Do you eat Green Eggs and Ham.
        oxox

      25. SA or ESA (Spanish slang for home girl)
        I will say again, it does not matter to me if you believe in God. I am not trying to convert you. I do not care. It is your choice. I respect your choice.
        Since you have once again asked me some questions, I will here answer those. NOT to change your mind, NOT to argue but to answer sense you asked. If you stop asking, I will stop answering.

        1. The earth is billions of years old.
        2. I do not believe we share a common ancestor with apes.
        3. I am very knowledgeable in not only scripture but theology as a whole. I am an ordained minister.
        4. I am happy to hear you have extensively studied Dr. Suess’s children’s books.
        5. I do not eat green eggs and ham, I would much rather prefer to hop on pop. *smiles*

      26. Love your answers to 1,3,4,5.
        I believe GREEN eggs were cooked in oil made from POT. If you have ever made pot oil for cooking, it is green. I do not partake as it is not a comfortable altering of my mind. But I have made the stuff.

        SA stands for Stevie Ann. This is my nick name. Ann is the middle name. I don’t care if anyone knows my name.

        Thank you for respecting my belief as I do yours.

        Do you speak Spanish?
        Do you equate the Narcs in the world to the opposite of GOD? Or GODLESS? I am curious on how you look at this.
        I look at this disorder as being a malfunctioning brain. That is it in aunt shell. Misfiring. Crossed wires.

        What are you going to do in Colorado? I love this State.

      27. P.S. HG loves tension on here. He loves a battle of words with his minions. It is all in fun. He is a rascally rabbit. Cheeky bastard.

      28. Anne Belle, I use to own a house in Castle Rock. I just sold my place in Beaver Creek, it will be two years this February.
        I am going to Colorado the 8th of Oct.
        I am in Las Vegas, where are you?

      29. I am sorry for this uncomfortable feeling, painful too. I wish you strength through this process and wellness with closure.

        I am beginning to care.

        I posted a bit of what I did with my therapist.
        My mother told me that I was strong, and I did not need her. My sister needed her more and that I could do everything on my own. I remember it well, and I wanted to scream that I did need her but kept silent. Like I did with other things that happened to me.
        Nothing like a parents rejection to screw you up.

      30. Im truly sorry you find it difficult HG that must be awful for you, and we all hugely appreciate it.

        I suffered a lot of trauma but I can talk about it like it is nothing. I feel nothing about it at all.

        So I’m interested then, is there some level of emotion inside you ? even if you can feel this degree of pain yourself ?

      31. I will help you bring her down. All you have to do is walk in with me on your arm and say “this is my wife”…we don’t even have to get married because ick. I’d plant a kiss on your lips…oh my god im freaking out at the thought and wishing for mouthwash at the thought…no offense. It’s the touching thing. She would pass out on the spot.

        Or what is your plan to bring the woman god (bad acronym) down?

      32. No offence taken, but indulge me, why would you posing as my wife have more of an impact 1jaded than say anybody else posing or even being my wife?

      33. Tell her you are going to the US and become a LDS fundamentalist and marry about ten of us. But we will need the wardrobe for it. This should not cost you to much. I am sure we can get other wives to make them. Now that would rock anyones world. >

      34. Great but I am not one to cook, get another wife for that. I do not do windows, dusting, vacumming or the laundry unless it is personals (smalls) and only my own.
        I can give directions on how to do all this and I can watch over your Harem. I think I will have seniority.
        I will shop, but for myself.
        Shall I start looking for property for the compound? LOL

  12. Very interesting the age of 10 was when you went emotionless. I was much younger 5 maybe 6.
    I can not have any kind of surprise. I opened all my gifts secretly before Christmas when I was a kid. I can’t do haunted houses where people are walking unpredictable in there Halloween celebration. I believe it has to do with control. I do not have control of what is going to happen to me. If even it’s in fun, it’s not to me. My poor kids loved slasher movies and haunted houses. I could do none of it. There dad did the Halloween thing with them. The crowds, people in masks some talking some silent. It’s to much sensory overload.

    1. I was heading in a certain direction and aged ten the tipping point was reached or so I am now led to believe.

      I used to hunt for my Christmas presents and always located them which led to them being stored away from the house as a consequence of my incessant hunting.

      1. Same here for the Xmas gifts. I would find them and open them carefully and then rewrap them. If I could not find them, I would pester my mother so much and not stop for hours and days on end. She would be so upset she would tell me. It would make her cry. One year her friend gave me a hanger in a box as a gift. I think it was a sign that she wanted to beat me.
        BTW HG, I went to lunch with a gentleman friend and I was telling him all about the gained knowledge of Narcissism and the blog. He looked at me and was very serious about his question to me. “Are you a narcissist?” He thinks that I am. He is the director of the Golf Club. He has known me for four years. I told him to read about it and he will see I am not a Narc but one who does like herself very much. I am actually my favorite subject.

  13. HG
    You must have feared matriwitch as a child. Do you no at which age the fear of emotion stopped in you. I think there is a difference in the emotions felt of fear and not being afraid of anything. I am not afraid of life but I hate the feared emotion. I hate surprises and anything to do with Halloween. I hate being jumped out at like you used to do to your sister.

      1. Do you write about age 10 in your upcoming book? I ant to know more about what happened then to make those things leave your conscious living experience.

  14. Have you read The Gift of Fear? Not that you would need to because you only fear nothing. Gavin De Becker does an excellent job explaining how to listen to true fear vs irrational anxiety. The first part talks about a lady who ignored her red flags of true fear and was raped in her apartment. She survived because she finally listened and acted on her fear. What prompted her fear? The second uttering of the words “Trust Me” after he used those words a first time and broke the trust. I blew off N2 to read it because I saw N2 in what I was reading. I didn’t even hide it from him. He was angry and belittled me for reading “junk” but oh well. I wish everyone could read it, in addition to your work, of course. The bad part for your kind is if everyone did read, listen and act on both sources, the world would explode from your fury. Either that or you would all have to heal.

    BTW, welcome back. I hope your travels were productive and fun.

    1. That sounds an interesting read 1jaded but are you rightly state I fear nothing.
      Thank you for your kind comment, yes it was productive and as ever I extracted some “fun” as well. It is of course a pleasure to be back in the saddle again though.

      1. I agree, Jaded1, he can….and face the fear of the beast inside. I believe too. I suspect he is actually doing it here everyday by talking about these things regularly with us all. It took me a year to face my fear of driving after a significant car accident. Progressive exposure works.

      2. Hahahahha…and, I had and have progressive insurance…hahahhaha.

        I still flinch at the sign of brake lights and high deductibles!

      3. That wouldn’t happen so I need not concern myself with that,but let’s just say somehow it did happen, I would not be frightened as I would turn the situation to my advantage and if I could not, then what would happen would happen, there is no need to fear it.

      4. What frightens you about being tortured? The physical pain, the helplessness,the fact that nobody is coming to rescue you? Most interrogative torture is undertaken because of the sadism of the torturer as opposed to the likelihood of gaining any real intelligence from the victim.

      5. I know; I’m so scared. I have felt torture before, and there are no words to describe the pain of physical torture. It purges a person of any coherency, but it does not purge the person of feeling the intense pain, the terror, the helplessness, and being afraid of others. My words just can’t justify it.

      6. Hey, look at the bright side, I didn’t say sergeant 😉

        My father was a drill sergeant in the US Army and he had a voice that parallels yours. Yours is far more refined and dignified (soothing any feathers yet?), though the depth was the same. He used it well to intimidate a few potential boyfriends. He also kept myself and my sis in line with it. A look, a point and that voice and we quivered. I am sure you have that effect.

  15. Brandie mine was a Christian man, it is a title to fall under. When I went silent I went through all of that, the cognitive disssounce was unreal and very hard to navigate through. Please don’t put yourself through hell in fighting what you know is true and what is a lie.

  16. In ever post you make I have to examine what state of mind I’m in before I read it. Are they triggers for me? Yes, sometimes. Tears have already welled up in my eyes. This one caused me to feel that fear I used to have w my ex N. Dread actually. I used to go through this daily. What a paralyzing feeling of what will happen next, what will I find, what is he really doing right now when he said he is church. Is my life going to come crumbling down into pieces today? Idk. Have I become somewhat numb to the shock of what he’s going to do next? No bc I’m still telling myself there’s no way someone, a Christian can be like this. EVIL and CRUEL.

  17. Fear in the form of chronic anxiety and sleep issues were one of my early warning signs that this relationship I had with my recent ex was toxic. I actually sought help from a doctor to manage the symptom until I was able to leave.

    Oddly, I like to be scared too. I think partially because I love the feeling of conquering my own fear and surviving.

    Thinking about another scary visit to an abandoned building/assylum next month👻🎃

      1. Surrrreeee…draws a finger through the dust on the receptionist desk as I glance at an old phone still connected to the wall….sees a chart labeled VIP and a picture clipped to it….

      2. Oh common HG, project on that darn chart for me, baby! Hiding my clipboard and white coat. Shit, where did my pen go?

    1. That’s awesome to face your fear of driving, Indy. Another example of your strength. Were you badly injured in the crash? How are you doing now?

      HG you are also stronger than that thing inside you.

      1. Hi Jaded1, It was a long time ago. 4 car pile up, I was the first car hit. No injuries bough the fear developed. I would jump at the sight of brake lights. All good now.

  18. HG if I didn’t know any better I would swear you have been reading my journal.
    Yet fear controls so much of what we do or don’t do.
    I had a paralyzing fear of heights, now has been down graded to just a fear, my late husband would make me do whatever activity he was interested in that involved heights, I was always a hot mess. Once I started to control all of that he stopped.
    I suspect he was a lessor from the description of one. He would beat me for some of the silliest things, like my grades in college,which i stopped showing him, he then began to sabotage different things to keep me from getting to class. Yet once I graduate he wanted all the credit telling everyone if it hadn’t been for him pushing me I never would have graduated. I am curious as to if he was, could you tell if I gave you more details of things HG?
    I do know the man I was seeing is either mid or greater, leaning more to greater, due to things he would tell me I believe he knows exactly what he is.

  19. Were you hiding in my therapy session today? That was topic my today. And yes HG, she asked about you again.
    I am now afraid, nervous, anxious, and in a constant state of paranoia because of my ex. Noises startle me. I am scared of my ringtone, the Ever Presence that lurks in my closet and throughout my home, frogs jumping in front of me, the contents of my gym bag, the radio, strangers talking to me, driving down the road, the candy aisle, going to the mall and now HG, even the Imangined Competitor ( fake people). I had a breakdown about the fake people. All of these things can bring on a panic attack or tears. And now I am in a constant fear of what my ex has planned next for me. It’s most definitely the fear of the unknown.

    1. Your hypervigilance is unsurprising. It is a symptom of what has happened to you. You are able to tackle it. Carry out the purges to remove the Ever Presence. This will diminish your hypervigilance in the home. Change your routines, change your ringtone, engage in distractions and keep on reading and understanding. As you make inroads into what has happened to you and as you minimise the likelihood of “surprises” you will gain more strength, this in turn will then equip you to deal with those factors which you are unable to control, e.g. frogs jumping out in front of you. You need not fear the unknown any longer as I am taking you through it.

      1. Hi HG, I am not as bad as I was. You are correct that the more info I get and the more I rid of the Ever Presence the stronger I do get. Your advice has been immensely helpful and I will continue to work on what you have just suggested. I shall walk around the rest of the day feeling “safe” knowing that you are just a comment away. Thank you 🍎

    2. Snow White, I frequently feel this way, too. Thus, I have not been going out too much. And, I have a police baton next to my bed, stun-gun, a machete, and a knife. But, I hope never to have to hurt anyone because that would make me sad 🙁 Plus, it’s not right to hurt others. I would just try to get them in the leg; not in any vital organs, and only for self-defense.

      1. You can tell me. I move so quick you wouldn’t have chance to reach anyway, not that you would need to of course. I am a pussycat.

      2. giggles, yes, a Jaguar, Im sure. E-Type is my favorite pussy cat. I did the old school 1972 in eggplant.

      3. Thank you for the correction, much better term and I am sure Jaguar used this term instead of eggplant to describe the paint color. I miss typed in my comment, it said “did” when I meant to type “dig”….never had one….perhaps in retirement. I saw one in an auto show about 15 years ago and that is when I first knew “car love” at first sight. I am not a car person in general, but this…just pure beauty.

      4. Oh Indy,
        Why are we not hanging out? I traded in my Jaguar for my Audi. My Narcissist mother said I should have given the car to her. Thus, I was given silent treatment for weeks. She says the Audi is unnoticeable and she doesn’t like it. Hmmmm….it’s my car B and I will drive what I like. In fact I would have given you that car just to piss her off. I like the new F type but have not driven it yet. I guess a company in India is manufacturing them now. They used to be built by Ford and were on the same platform as the Taurus, I know right?

      5. The Jaguar cars are designed and assembled in England although the parts may well be manufactured elsewhere since Tata owns Jaguar now. I occasionally shake my head at the fact that something so beautiful and iconic has been entwined with British Leyland (oh the hilarity) and also Ford.

      6. HI ABB!
        Giggles, “nice Tata’s” .
        Hey, I am not above a good reverse triangulation (sounds like a wrestling move) on a matrinarc, I’d wash it and polish it and kiss it good night. Even just to give the impression it was mine, even if it was yours 😉 And drive what you want, you go!

        Yeah, I heard they were built on the same platform as the Taurus from my ex. Interesting. Not sure what to think on that. A lovely dress but the undercarriage….kind of like swimsuit model without a Brazilian **blushes** Yeah, I just objectified a woman. LOL

        F-Type, I will check some pics out.

      7. Hi yancosky, It is a terrible to always walk around on edge. These days I would rather stay in too. I don’t have any weapons like you do but I’m glad you have them in case you need to protect yourself. Hope your day was good and you feel safe.

      8. Thank you, Snow White. If it was not for The Lord, I’d be non-existent. But, I need only remember to trust in Him; He is my Protector <3

      9. Hi Yancosky. Please be careful with your weapons. They can be used against you as well. I’m going to ask you…do you think whoever might attack you is thinking “oh I’ll go easy on her and give her a flesh wound” ? No. They have serious harm on their mind. Do whatever it takes to defend yourself, even if it has to be the unthinkable. You are a good person and would never go out of your way to harm. This is a different situation. They went out of their way to harm you.

        Do you have an escape route in your house?

  20. Never had night terrors until a couple of years ago. Seem to come back worse than ever after the DN makes some kind of appearance or maybe my house is haunted. It is definitely haunted by some pretty scary memories!

  21. Do you have a sinister laugh in your mind as you watch someone cower in fear?
    I am not in fear of the dark anymore. But a dark sinister narc would have me fearful for my sanity.
    BOO

  22. HG
    Is fear an emotion you can experience as an adult? I actually believe this maybe the one emotion everyone can feel. You once mention its hard to fall asleep for fear everything built would disappear. I would imagine that is a fear emotion you can feel? Because it’s a fight or flight animal instinct I don’t think anyone can shut out fear. What’s your thoughts?

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