Don’t Fail Me

I have exacting standards. It is important to do so in order to achieve success and make my mark on the world. Owing to this, I hate being let down. If you tell me that we are meeting for lunch at 1pm then I expect you there at 1pm. Politeness is the punctuality of kings. If you are late you are telling me that you do not value my time. That is unacceptable. If you explain that you can deliver the product I want, the way I want it and in the colour I have chosen, I expect you to adhere to that. I am not interested in excuses. I will exert my influence as far as I can to ensure that what I have been promised is provided. I will cajole, coerce, persuade and harass to ensure the outcome is as was confirmed to me. Hotels, restaurants, shops, online providers, sporting venues, bars, people, products – all of them have been subjected to my precision and desire for high standards. I provide excellence in my profession (of course aided by a legion of underlings but it is at my direction).

Nobody likes to things to be wrong do they? Nobody wants a blue car when they asked for black. Nobody wants the wrong name or age on their birthday cake. I am sure I am not alone in my desire to achieve error-free services, goods and people. That is a laudable sentiment. Should I fail to deliver on my promises then it will be because I have been let down first. I have an aversion to disappointment and my failing can only arise as a consequence of the neglect and negligence of another. Each and every day I strive to ensure that I am not left flailing in the wind, as dejection cuts through me as a consequence of having been let down. It cannot happen again.

Where does this demand for delivery and high standards come from? It comes from my dread and fear of being let down. I cannot stand it. It breaks me in two and rips open a wound that has never properly healed. Being let down undermines me, makes me feel unwanted, unnoticed and unappreciated. All things which are anathema to me. He let me down all those years ago. I relied on him. Well, we relied on one another. It was, or at least it was as I thought, an unbreakable bond. I looked to him and admired how he carried on, when all hope seemed to have gone. The towering waves of misfortune and misery would crash against him but he was always unbroken and unbowed. He said that he would always look after me. He told me that he would protect me against those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I knew the world was a dangerous place, a cruel domain which showed no mercy and took no prisoners. I had seen with my own eyes what this place had done and could do. I was under no illusion as to the harshness of the vagaries of treading along the mortal path. He listened to my hopes and fears and he understood them like no other. He made me feels safe and wanted. I hung on his every word, mimicked what he did and pledged my unswerving loyalty. He accepted my fealty with open, gracious arms and I fell into them, safe in the knowledge that nothing could tear us apart. He promised me that,

“I will never let you down.”

I still hear his voice saying those words. But he did. He left. He let me down.

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60 thoughts on “Don’t Fail Me”

      1. You know how open minded I am dear G 🙂 x but I don’t like empty promises they put me away 🙁

  1. HG,
    I hate it when people tell you they are going to do something and don’t follow through. The funny thing is your double standard. You will call and say meet me and not show, you’ll tell me you’re going to do something for me then deny me it. Is it driven by fuel? You say I slighted you someway first. But why can’t you say hey that hurt me. Or say I don’t like that behavior. It goes back to mind reading. Its always a payback for a unknown offence. You dont tell mr what i did wrong so how can i fix? My parents did things to let me down all the time. Example: let’s go to toy store and look around. I say yay! We get there. Ok kids go find a toy you want. Me and my brother like yippee! Show them what we want and say we are getting it right? Nope I told you we were coming here to look. I didn’t say anything about buying anything. And of course you were not allowed to cry because Then you were a big baby. Life lesson…wording is important and don’t ever be weak.
    Now is it your older brother your writing to?

    1. This happens for one of two reasons. A genuine inability to do something owing to intervening circumstances or manipulation. You have to evaluate the scenario to determine which it is. For instance, if somebody called you in the morning, arranged to have lunch with you and did not show, but you found out they were just sat at home playing video games, it is possibly forgetfulness but far more likely manipulation. If on the other hand someone promised to telephone you but you know that they have been extremely busy with work and other commitments because they lead a full lifestyle then it is evident that the intervening factors influenced the failure rather than manipulation.
      If it is a manipulation then that arises in order to exert control and extract fuel which is precisely what you experienced in your toy store example because who really goes to a toy store just to look, especially with children in tow?
      No it is not my older brother.

    2. Did this happen? OMG, this is insane. Who would do this to a child or a woman? I do not go to Shopping Malls Unless I am going to buy. I do not window shop.
      I just shopped last week at Anne Fontaine. My new go to. Love her blouses.

  2. I’m so sorry you went through this deep loss of your protector and foundation. The pain was palpable in both your words and the image you selected. You were too young to loose him. as you do not like touch, Im sending virtual caring vibes your way.

  3. HG, do you feel as if you may find someone in time that won’t let you down? Or is this just something you feel with all your primary sources at first?

      1. So then you are no further ahead on any of this? You still look for perfection as far as the golden period and your new primary but as time goes on you become bored with her and start looking else where? When you find a replacement then you start finding things wrong or not the same as they were in the beginning? I hope you understand what I am asking? Xxx

  4. People come and people go, my heart does go out to you. It always hurts when those you love fail you.
    Hopefully you will find what you search for, sometimes it happens in the most unusual places.

  5. Why did your best friend leave? I am very interested in the whole friendship aspect because those were the things I said to mine. And it kills me. It breaks my heart for you and for me. I loved her.

  6. This one got me the last time you posted it! This time even more so! I am sorry HG that the one person you could always count on to be there for you has left you. I honestly can say I know how that feels! And as much as people say it will get better with time it never does. Nothing ever fills the void that they have left you with. Xxx

  7. I get the feeling that sometimes You want to be let down but I haven’t figured out the resons yet dear G…?

    1. Hello THSW, I have been away and therefore there are a lot of posts in moderation. I am working through them and they should be up in the next day or two, that is why it has not appeared so far. I will get to it, read it and reply though.

  8. Yet narcs are the masters at letting us down!! How many times he arranged to meet me and didn’t even bother to phone and cancel. He just never pitched. No apology or explanation either. Wud just ignore my calls or reject my calls of ” im here.. where are u”
    So why is that? Was it because he predicted i may let him down first and not pitch? Get in there before i got him?

    1. To draw fuel, to act in accordance with his sense of entitlement and lack of culpability, to underline your inferiority to him by not respecting your time or the arrangements.

  9. Hello HG, I read in Fury how you witnessed and dealt with your mother’s fury. I also saw how your dad dealt with her. I can see him saying those things to you. I can see him carrying on for you and your siblings and him having hope. Which you say “dies last” and is extremely accurate in my case. I can see him having open arms for you and wanting to keep you safe.. I have not been through all of your books so I am not sure if your dad is still around or if he has passed on. If he has passed I am sorry because it has seemed to me so far that he was a loving man.

  10. This one made me stop all I was doing HG, Thanks for this distraction, gave me a much needed moment to separate my emotions from those around me.
    Now to reflect on the emotions you are so awesome at stirring up.

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