The Narcissist and Gifts

 

Image result for picture of a rubbish gift

 

What do narcissists think about giving? Well, the starting point is that we are a gift to the world and really, should there be any need for us to give anything more? Of course there is; the giving of gifts provides us with yet another opportunity to manipulate people, exert control and ultimately draw fuel. Some people think that narcissists may not want to give gifts because we hate to do things for other people. The latter part of that point is correct, but the simple fact as ever is that the end justifies the means then we will do that and if that means parting with some of our money to purchase a gift and spending some time selecting it, then so be it. You probably will understand however that when it comes to the giving of gifts, it is nothing at all to do with you. As usual, it is all about us.

  1. Gifts of Seduction. During the seduction of a victim, some of our kind revel in the grand gestures of expensive and wonderful gifts. There may be repeated gifts every few days or some large grandiose gift. Occasionally, we may give careful consideration to what will impress you most but it is always linked into how it will benefit us. The purpose of such gifts is to cause you to admire us, thank us and draw closer to us as a consequence of our generosity and our thoughtfulness. Don’t think that we have been that considerate. You will probably receive a similar gift to the last primary source. If worked last time, so we will do it again. Thus the Somatic Narcissist who selects victims who are into material items may well always purchase some Louboutin shoes for each victim. The Cerebral Narcissist will provide a weighty tome for you to read. Not only is this exclusive hardback expensive but he can tell you all about how much he knows about the subject later. We also rely on the fact that even if the gift is not precisely what you wanted, most people are delighted to receive gifts and during the wonderful, elating and mesmerising seduction, the whole of the effects of our seduction make the receipt of the gift all the more gratifying. It gains kudos from being given against a backdrop of compliments, love, amazing sex, days and nights out and so forth. By appearing thoughtful and generous we draw you closer to us.
  2. Creation of debt. We only give you a gift in order to get something we want and the provision of a gift automatically creates a debt in our mind. It might be that we will control you through this gift, it might be that we use it to gain fuel or to mollify you if we think you are on the brink of leaving us and denying us our fuel. No matter how lavish or expensive the gift, there will be a price to pay for it, either now or later.
  3. Creating the favourite. We often use gifts to create a favourite and generate division. For instance, if we have three nephews, who are still young children, we may give one a larger and more expensive gift to one and smaller and less expensive gifts to the other two and it is obvious. Children will react to this with jealousy, petulance and upset which will generate fuel. It does not stop there. The parents of the nephews may well react to this unequal treatment so there is more fuel forthcoming. If we are challenged as to why we have done this you can expect to be told,

“It is my money and I decide how I spend it.”

We are entitled to do as we want and when it comes to giving gifts there is no exception.

This favouritism will continue all the way through so that a golden child will always fare better at Christmas and birthdays than his or her siblings with the attendant problems that arise. We will even do this when we have gone with an unequal division of assets. The Thought Fuel that arises as we sign the will knowing of the in-fighting that will come about in due course is satisfying indeed.

  1. The Rubbish Gift. This is done by design and often unintentionally. Since we lack empathy, we see no need to consider what somebody else what might really want for their birthday. Thus, we provide them with a hideous jumper that is too big or a garish ornament. The look of dejection and disappointment on that person’s face when they receive a book about butterflies produces a good dose of fuel for us. Of course if they do not seem appropriately happy, this allows us to roll out comments such as: –

“But I thought you loved butterflies.”

“I looked everywhere for that gift.”

“You should be grateful you got anything at all.”

We know you don’t like butterflies. We found the gift in the bargain bin at the supermarket and we know you won’t be grateful, we don’t want you to be, so we can provoke you for some more fuel.

  1. The Residual Fuel. Flowing from the rubbish gift is the expectation that when we next call around the hideous statue of what is meant to be two dolphins in the foam but looks more like a frothing Quasimodo, should be pride of place on your mantelpiece. Alternatively, you should be wearing that migraine inducing jumper. If you are not, you can expect us to play the victim and make you feel guilty for not showcasing our generous gift.
  2. The Wrong Gift. The cousin of the rubbish gift. This gift may be a good gift but it is the wrong one. You may already have one of these items already and a second is of no use. It might be that you asked for a handbag in black and we have bought you one in brown, even though it is the same make. The shoe size might be two sizes out either way, the ring too small, the lingerie too small. We do this because you see the wrapped item and recognise it to be the item you have asked for and your excitement mounts, only then to be dashed by this narrow miss. Yes, you may be able to exchange it, but we will have lost the receipt and such like and we will still make a song and dance if you point out that it is the wrong gift or if you fail to look suitably happy. You can expect comments such as: –

“You have one already. Well, a spare shoe horn is always handy.”

“It is too tight? Not my fault you have put weight on is it?”

“You told me size 7, yes you did. Stop trying to blame me for your mistake.”

“So what if it I a different colour, you should appreciate I bought you something.”

  1. Forgetting a gift. It always provides us with fuel when you expect a gift and none is forthcoming. We derive amusement from seeing you waiting all day, expecting a delivery to the door, or hunting around the house thinking that we have hidden your gift. When evening comes and no gift has been forthcoming your annoyance, upset or dismay provides us with further fuel. We will of course apply selective amnesia or deflection to the situation.

“I thought the anniversary was next week?”

“It’s only Valentine’s day, you shouldn’t expect a gift.”

“You are too old to receive birthday presents now.”

“Is it your birthday? I thought it was on the 21st?”

  1. My gift. You are expecting a gift and there is something expensive sat on the dining table. It is not given to you but sits there all day until you eventually ask if it is for you only to be told it is not and it is for me. Cue crestfallen look and more fuel.
  2. The Respite and Hoover Gift. Part of the seduction family. If we want to bring you back into the Formal Relationship following discard or escape, or if we want to reinstate the golden period, we will supply you with gifts again and endeavour to make them thoughtful so that you provide us with positive fuel and we draw you back to us.
  3. Future Faking. Gifts are not immune from us always promising to buy you something amazing for that forthcoming birthday. This keeps you bound to us, you keep giving us positive fuel from your enthusiastic responses to our promises, but we fail to deliver. We draw fuel and then promise to get it for you for Christmas instead. You know what is going to happen don’t you?
  4. Charity Gifts. If we make some donation to charity whether it cash or equipment, or even items we no longer need for them to sell at a charity store, you can be sure we will let as many people know as possible of our generosity. This gains fuel and maintains our façade.
  5. Outdoing Others. If there is a christening, a baby shower or a wedding we will often go big with our gift giving. If you have a wedding list, we will go off list in order to be different even though that crystal orange juice squeezer is not exactly needed. This form of gift giving is nothing to do with you. The gifts are likely to be lavish and expensive but it is all about showing off and gaining fuel and admiration as opposed to buying someone what they actually want. Of course, any complaint or lack of appreciation will be met with us playing the victim.
  6. Recycling. You end up being given a gift which clearly was a gift to us which we did not want. In some examples we may have even left the gift tag on showing that it was for added reaction. We considered those lavender bath bombs we received to be a total insult so next door can now have them as a house warming gift. Even beyond this, we may even give you as a gift something you gave to us. Not only does this show us to cheapskates it also shows we do not think much of your gift. Fuel abounds.
  7. Proximate Fuel. We gain proximate fuel from witnessing the reaction of our victims to our manipulative gift giving. As you know, we like to cause a scene and what better way that doing so in person, at a party or an event.
  8. Thought Fuel. Gift giving allows a double whammy. We have the chance to gain proximate fuel when we hand the gift over and you unwrap it and we also contemplate your reaction when we are not there. Either siblings fighting over the gift, people expressing their hurt at a tasteless gift, a rubbish one or the wrong one, so we even gain fuel after the event.
  9. The Early Declaration. If we are being grandiose in our gift-giving you can expect to know about your gift on Facebook or similar platforms when we post pictures of it and tell the world what we have got you for your birthday. No surprises for you, but plenty of admiring fuel for us.
  10. What the Last One Got. We buy you a gift and we can see you are not happy with it, underwhelmed or even upset. Of course there will be no sympathy or consideration shown by us. All we will do is remark about what we have got you is bigger, better and more expensive than what the last primary source got and you ought to be grateful. This also works in reverse when we let slip that we did not get you something as good as what the last primary source received because you didn’t get a good birthday present for us (even though you will have done – the reality is no bar to our manipulations).
  11. The Last One Didn’t Appreciate My Gifts. If we sense that you are unhappy with our gift, we gain fuel, but we will also emotionally blackmail you into being please with it by telling you how mean the previous primary source was in that no matter what we bought him he never appreciated the gifts. Suddenly, you are gushing over the tickets to a local amateur dramatic performance of Macbeth, even though you hate plays.
  12. But Look What I Gave You! This is done for future manipulation. If you fail to do something in the future, fail to submit and do what we want, we will hark back (and do so repeatedly) to that marvellous, rare and expensive gift we once got you. As I mentioned above, you always end up paying for the gift in some way.
  13. The Target. The gift we have given you and one which you like and cherish is used in the future as a device to manipulate you and draw fuel form you. We threaten to break the gift or we do break it. We hide it or take it from you. After all, what is ours remains ours and what is yours is still ours anyway since we are entitled and do not recognize boundaries.

Gifts and the act of giving provide us with so many opportunities to draw fuel both positive and negative from people, bind people to us, control them and manipulate them.

What is your experience of the narcissist and gifts?

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120 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Gifts”

  1. You are so right. My ex would always say he never had any $ to buy me anything but the next week a $200 game part for his computer would come. In 5 yrs, I got 2 Christmas presents and I can remember one gift from a birthday. He was the most selfish a$$ I’ve ever met. However, when it came to his mommy, he would make sure he got her something bc he would say if he didn’t he would pay a price. She would yell and carry on if she didn’t get something. She was the “princess”. Made me want to vomit.

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  2. My N was very poor when I met him. Later I found out he was a big gambler. Is gambling something narcassist are known for?
    He once got me a cake with no writing on it stating he knew I didn’t want attention drawn to me? He got it from his place of employment. Thinking about it probably told them we weren’t together or had other supplies to give cakes to?
    I stuck around because I thought he loved me. He still has nothing but more than he had when he was with me. Is this why he has moved on? He has the extra money to charm his new supplies?

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    1. Yes gambling is something that narcissists are known for and I think you are right about the cakes. He may well be using his increased financial clout to charm additional sources of fuel.

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  3. My experience is boring. .. nothing to write about… but I’ve learnt to never expect anything from anyone…. I thank You for Your unintentional debt gift to me which are Your books though! ❤💋

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  4. Wow, all of this happened to me in so many ways that you described here. Started out with nice gifts, then the gifts with a debt attached… then I got the huge really ugly dress that I had to take back which was really embarrassing for me, but I was ungrateful. I am sure some of the gifts and flowers were after he cheated or something….but the weirdest thing would be that he would send his Mother flowers whenever he did something so bad that she knew about it. She got the gift-not me! My last gift from him was a gift card, with him telling me I am too hard to please…lol He also tried to break a gift his mother gave me. Awful…he always had to have the best of the best and most expensive gifts from me, but then he would act excited when someone else would give him something not so expensive. So confusing! Thanks for your explanation!

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  5. Thank goodness this does nothing for me… if I want it I will get it myself. I find other things more important than materialistic crap. I remember the first gift I received from my ex, it was a pair of isotoner gloves. I actually loved those gloves. The last was a picture he drew for me…. that probably meant more to me than anything I have ever received from him.

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    1. Now that is interesting DC, because I am going to a companion piece to this article which is about the attitude of the recipient. I know people will see it as blame-shifting and to some extent it is, but there is a case for culpability in the mind set of the recipient.
      What was the picture of?

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      1. I never felt bad for any of the gifts, or lack there of, from him. I didn’t care about receiving anything for Christmas or my birthday or whatever event. I don’t care about Valentines day… A symbol of love/lust/desire/etc. doesn’t come from something material, it is from the heart (or thought in the mind of that person), I never expected anything and was always surprised when he would get me something. That is another thing, I love the element of surprise. What surprise do I receive if I tell him what I want and he gets it? My ex husband used to do that… he liked to lavish me with gifts, it just isn’t my thing.
        The problem is that people are EXPECTED to follow some universal guideline in society… why? It is valentines day, we have to give chocolates and roses, its the only day of 365 days that we must dress up and go out…because that is the only day you can love. It is ridiculous. I’d rather sit at home, watch an action movie and enjoy each others company..or what ever. Why expect anything? The feelings that we all search for come from how the other person makes us feel… not what they can buy…. I can get that anywhere.

        As for the picture, he has done a few now. He always draws my name, like a tagging (graffiti). He just does it in a very unique way, picks the colors beautifully and the most recent he added little things here or there that would represent me. He has always had a knack for drawing like that but would not take the time to create.

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  6. G got me a treat from my favorite bakery very soon after he met when he was on a work trip.
    He never got me another gift again, unless you consider the mental abuse a “gift”.

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      1. Cupcakes. He was on a work trip – or so he said – to a city I used to live in.

        PS I still read you every day, HG, even though I haven’t commented in a while. 🙂

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      2. No I don’t wonder where they have gone to if they leave. Cody hadn’t gone, she was still here, I was wondering why she had fallen quiet.

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  7. Expectation is the first step to disappointment is what I learned.
    I fell for it everytime hook, line and sinker.
    Brave face was all I kept saying to myself when disappointed, or the million excuses for why.

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  8. This makes me think back to when the gifts started. The first one I received was a diamond necklace that had two open hearts entwined with an angel on top. It came with a big explanation declaring how if we both kept our hearts open we would always be in each other’s lives. This was five months into our friendship and weeks before she announced that she was in love with me.
    I can see how it was carefully planned and how it did bind me to her. I did come home that day thinking it was odd, none of my other “friends” just gave me a diamond necklace out of no where but I ignored my gut and wore that necklace every day. It was hard to take it off when I left her but I knew I couldn’t wear it anymore. I cried!!
    A sex toy came a month later. I don’t know how I convinced myself that this was a normal friendship. I received many articles of clothing and jewelry. Lots of Ever Precense HG!!!
    She made a big deal about the engagement ring. How much it cost, her special selection of it, and how I deserved the best. Shouldn’t I have thought that it wasn’t normal for someone to go pick out an engagement ring for someone else With their finance? If I am honest I knew I shouldn’t have and didn’t really want to say yes but that there was no way that I could have said NO. I couldn’t even think of being without her.
    So many lessons to learn from gifts. Painful.
    Great job explaining all of that!
    HG, did you learn to give siblings different gifts because that is what happened in your family?

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    1. Absolutely about creating the Ever Presence Snow White.
      Yes, I was the main beneficiary of the preferential treatment although of course what was given to me would also be taken away. Somewhere there is a locker full of those items which were taken away from me. I bet they are still there somewhere.
      MatriNarc has a distinct order by which people were given presents at Christmas. When I look back at who got what, it was clear that she was ordering them by reference to ranking as appliances. I will write about all that in MatriNarc. She had the money and it has to be said taste to provide wonderful gifts and also to make it very clear what she thought of someone. This was done not just with family either.

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      1. Thanks for answering as always HG.
        I have a million question, but will wait for the book. Lol.. I look forward to seeing your perspective as a child and how you now feel looking back at those experiences.

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    2. Nice gifts and too bad she broke your heart SW. Wear the necklace when you are not so broken up. Or donate it to charity for animals to auction off if you will never wear it.

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      1. AH OH,
        Thanks and that’s a great idea to donate to an animal charity. ❤️❤️How is your cat today?

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  9. Sorry HG Tudor you cannot buy love it is freely given. True love is not about lies, manipulation and dumping someone because you objectify a person

    This is a disturbing distortion of love.

    Narcissists end up empty and alone which is sad as the only thing they truly love is their backside which they talk out of

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    1. ILJ, I don’t think they end up alone. There is always someone that will fall for them. I’m sure they cause quite a ruckus in senior living facilities.

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      1. They’ve turned their backs on God, away from the light. This is why they’re so lonely dark and scared. It won’t last an eternity, it will just feel like one.

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  10. The last one would give me flowers every time he did something wrong (at least that’s what my intuition told me). Or he’d pick me up a bouquet probably while getting one for a potential. The flowers became a slap in the face, rather than a sweet gesture. I asked him to stop. I didn’t want them anymore. Of course that made me unappreciative and ungrateful.

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      1. Love, I am not suggesting you are wrong, but how did you establish that his buying flowers for you was actually symptomatic of something else. I am interested to know before I give you my view.

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      2. Thanks for asking. It was a gut feeling. I wish I could back it up with logic and reason, but I do not have any evidence.
        My gut always gets involved, even when I wish it wouldn’t. It was the reason I did a background check on a psychopath I had been seeing. My gut kept telling me not to see him again. I ran a criminal check on him to prove myself wrong.

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  11. Only 1&9 from the MN 🙂 and 9 had a dual purpose of triangulating his new fuel source.

    3. Now that one used to hurt. My aunt (paternal) – total fucking witch !! Used to do this so badly with all groups of siblings within the family – me included. My sister (the golden child) used to get amazing birthday and Xmas presents. Whilst I would get a ‘beaded bag’ year in year out. I find it funny now. This also happened to my younger cousins. One year my grandmother absolutely flipped out at her. We used to call her the equaliser and she was. She recognised in each of the family groups who the underdog was and she would do her utmost to make it up to us.

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      1. Well I learned from the master. Then went on to develop my own secret recipe, which has fast become a sellout HG. And it’s all down to you. i was never too proud to cut cookies 😉 And look where it’s got me.

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      2. I am so proud of you Alexis, you have made such a little go a very long way! Only joshing, you know I can’t wait to buy you a drink down the watering hole.

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      3. It will be HG. Since I will be in the idealisation phase, no matter what colour it is it will be your favourite ! Who knows by the end of the night it may no longer be ?

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      4. It’s not a bar though. Just so you know. This place has wall to wall PDs. You won’t find another place like it ! Unless of course you go to a similar venue.

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      5. Not intentionally a gathering of PDs. Most people there would be clueless that they had a PD. It’s not a self help group or anything like that HG.

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      6. No I didn’t think it was a self help group, mainly because so many PDs are oblivious to the fact that they have them. I must admit, I am intrigued.

        I know. It is Arsenal’s changing room isn’t it?

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  12. Mr. Tudor, do you agree with the classifying of BPD with Sociopathy, Psychopathy, and Narcissism? BPD’s do have a conscience, remorse, and empathy.
    Claudia

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    1. I see how certain BPD traits align with NPD for example but I do think there are significant distinguishing factors which would put it some distance from NPD. Ultimately I do not think it should be in Cluster B. How about Clusterfuck?

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      1. For a BPD to f*ck a cluster of Narcissists? I suppose! Depending on how many there are, that would certainly be a lot of cum flying around, I do say! We could paint the walls with it, and make pretty designs 🙂 Very cool!

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  13. Interesting view on clusterfuck, lol.

    I do find it interesting that BPD has more empathy and seems somewhat out of place. excellent point, Claudia!

    Here is what is argued in the mental Heath world why they are clustered and what diagnoses go in B….

    “Cluster B is called the dramatic, emotional, and erratic cluster. It includes:
    Borderline Personality Disorder.
    Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
    Histrionic Personality Disorder.
    Antisocial Personality Disorder.
    Disorders in this cluster share problems with impulse control and emotional regulation.”

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  14. My first gift was a vintage unicorn pin. I became the Unicorn. Because I sent him a mime that read When I look in the mirror I see a unicorn, a badass unicorn. So I became his unicorn.
    For my birthday two weeks later he gave me another unicorn bought from the museum gift shop somewhere, It is very cool looking. I thought this was it as he was taking me to dinner too at 150 plus a plate without alcohol, we both do not drink, so an expensive resturant. Then he presented me with another gift of a gold unicorn pin with a small diamond on it. It is also a beautiful pin. I almost discarded them but did not, and I can wear them without any emotions connected to them. They are very nice.
    He flew home two days later and said freedom was his new girlfriend. I guess I do not show very much emotion with gifts unless it is off the charts unusual. I like trips as gifts or an unusual activity.

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      1. Ah, HG Sir, sometimes my fantasy gets mixed up with reality. Thank you for showing me the way <3

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  15. HG,
    Thank you for writing this. My Grandmother owned her own successful business. We would go to her house for Xmas. She had my father and my one uncle. She would have our family for Xmas breakfast. My uncle and his family for dinner. Never together. She always received many gifts from clients/companies. She would stack them all up on one side like a mountain. She would buy us one thing each. Usually something totally useless or would tell us, oh I got that from so and so last year and thought maybe you could do something with it. My Dad would get back at her by buying her something with no thought or feeling. He is a Narc too. He bought her an electric carving knife one year, she opened it said what is this for? He said I figured you could use it to get your cutting remarks out faster. She ST’d him for the next two hours like he wasn’t there. Oh and she had no problem saying that stack of gifts over there are for your cousins. They are younger and still believe in Santa so they get more. You children are grown up enough to know Santa is a lie so you don’t really need anything much. This is one of a million stories between my Gma and Dad.
    Now boyfriends…..I got millions of those too, but HG I respect this is your forum and I am a bit player. Sorry for so long as story. Don’t be mad. K?

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    1. That’s a good example FTW, thanks for sharing it. It sounds not too dissimilar to the sparring between MatriNarc and I, although these days I do what i can to avoid her which annoys her more than my cutting remarks. I won’t be ignoring her forever though.

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      1. Ah Oh,
        Here’s a cute one. C which is Grandma, (we weren’t allowed to call her that. First name only) Called my Father and said I want to take your children to dinner. Of course he argued. Why etc. Why? I am their Grandmother and you keep them from me, I want to spend time with them and you don’t allow me. How could you keep my grandchildren from me. They need to know me and their heritage. We are great people and they need to understand this. He gave in. She said have them properly dressed too. She rolls up in the Cadillac a rare occurrence for her to come to our house. I think it happened literally 3 times in my life. We had to go to her or meet her. I’m in a dress, my brother in suit. She knocks steps in foyer. Shes dressed to the nines. Looks around and says let’s go. No hellos just judging the appearance of area. We look at mom & dad…Bye be good. We get in the car she drives down the street. I ask where are we going? She pulls over and looks in rearview mirror. Oh I’ll let you decide. Taco bell or McDonald’s. You children eat that kind of thing don’t you? Story is longer but I don’t want HG mad at me.Amusing, especially when my Dad found out.

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  16. The last gift I received was a ‘Sounds of Halloween’ CD in February for no particular reason other than he thought I was stressed, he knows I love Halloween and so he treated me. That in itself was unusual as after 25 years he rarely bought me anything ‘just because’.
    Less than 2 weeks later I threw him out as i was tired of his lies and games at which point I didn’t know there was a new supply until 2 weeks after that.
    The CD was purchased with my own Amazon vouchers in December and a refund requested as he said it had not arrived.
    My interpretation now of that gift is that he was saying. ‘Have this. You think Halloween is scary? I’m your worst nightmare and it’s only just beginning!’

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  17. HG… possibly off tooic but gifts cost money. Will a N ever pay someone back as far as debt? My N owes me money but keeps telling me he will pay me back when he reiceves this years bonus. Thoughts? He has a bookie that he makes sure is paid or he is at least his main priority. Do Ns gamble because of low supply?

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    1. You may be repaid during the seduction but thereafter you may as well strap your money to a horse and set fire to it. He will keep future-faking you on that repayment. Ns gamble for similar reasons as to why they drink, so if you read Cheers! Narcissists and Alcohol, you will see the points which can be applied as to why gambling occurs.

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  18. My android narc gave the most hideous bracelet I have ever received last Christmas. I almost cried of anger.he left it hidden in my car and texted me as to how to find the surprise. When I saw it, It took all I had not to take it back and dumped him right there. Anyone that knows me, knows I don’t wear any knock offs or costume jelewry, either the real thing or nothing. Even my mom thought the item came from a dollar store.
    This guy has high end designer everything and the means/taste to buy nice stuff.
    Being that giving is my thing, despite the disappointment/fury I still gave him what I had bought for him: a Swiss made watch.
    He promised me an engagement ring which of course never materiliazed, he forgot my birthday, ignored me for Valentines and did not even bother reciprocate a house warming gift.
    His birthday is coming up and I know exactly what to give him. The kiss of death.
    HG, maybe you would entertain Shining some light into my dilemma. This broken individual has asked me three times to marry him before we met, the day we met, and as recently as a few months ago (yes, the red flags went up). I think is part of the future faking maneuver. Could it be that he proposes and talks marriage because he considers me a good primary source. Although, I have no proof, I know very well that there are others.
    I was onto his game and been playing along but with eyes wide open and lots of caution. I Still got hurt, but not devastated. I wasted no time in getting educated. Now, I’m just waiting for the right moment to disappear.

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    1. Hello BW, yes, he will regard you as an excellent primary source that he wants to preserve and he is has decided that the best way to achieve this is to engage in the future faking on the marriage front. He will not want to get married because, as you identify, there are others and he may perceive this as action which will damage his other supplies.

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  19. He bought me crap sometimes and wonderful gifts others. As stated in this entry he had a purpose for both.

    Now gifts for him:
    On his first birthday spent together he told me exactly what to get down to brand and type. Other holidays he said we could just pick our own gifts. His were more expensive than mine of course. If he got me something in October he’d say it was my Christmas present. Whatever.
    But he had me so scared to buy him anything for fear of the wrong brand or type. I stood in hardware store for an hour with high anxiety trying to pick a tool set. I walked out with nothing.
    I still have issues picking out groceries because he’d tell me what to get down to type and brand. 😕

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      1. When jhm met me – he bought me shoes , dresses , fluffy socks , coat , dressing gown , paid for my hair to be cut , ttousers , tops , neclace with matching ear rings —

        Bag full of stuff at xmas
        Bag full of stuff on my birthday – all of wich for our upcoming holiday – the holiday was booked after a hideous hurtful triangulation

        A wall mounted fire – i was suspicious again –
        A trip to london – i was suspicious again

        He was generous but it was covering his secret life – id rather had nothing but honesty

        I bought him things that meant something to him – he said i must really listen to him cos he got everything he wanted , he almost seemed confused .

        The gifts he bought meade me look good wich made him look good
        He tried so hard to persuade me to cut my hair off and wear clothes and lipstick he bought !!! I didnt – only the stuff i chose .
        A boofle teddy bear – i was suspivious again — he called it our boofie and sat it on my pillow– massive ever prescence wouldnt you agree HG ?
        Is this typical N behaviour HG?

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  20. My gifts to the evil in my life were never good enough, and I would be made to feel rubbish about them year in year out. Forget the all inclusive holidays I took him on. Forget the designer watches. If ONE present wasn’t good enough, then I would suffer his consequences for years.

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      1. His attention and love were gifts enough for me…with first Narc. But, then he needed to start taking Viagra to please me…and then he gave his gifts to everyone else when I could not be right there due to needing food from store, lest we starve… a starving Minion is a less Productive Minion.

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  21. I am not at all materialistic, and so unfortunately for the Somatic N I was not impressed by his flashy car, fancy gadgets and extensive home renovations.
    I prefer experiences to material things, especially spending time in nature which can be done for free.
    His lavish seduction gifts made me feel uncomfortable and as if I was being “bought”, especially as he was married. I prefer gifts that are thoughtful and personal to me, they don’t have to be expensive.
    I am a very sensual person and enjoy good food, especially if someone has taken time and effort to make it for me. He is a talented cook and so this was a more successful seduction technique in my case.
    I also enjoy sex immensely. I loved my previous non N partner deeply, but he had issues in this department and so I was very eager to reawaken and experiment with this side of me. I think that this was the best gift the N gave to me, as I have never experienced such inhibition and intensity.
    A mutually agreed gift was from a sex shop. It was an internal vibrator with a separate remote. We had fun using it out and about when we met up. The last time we used it we were in a pub and he went to the toilets. After he left he switched the device on and was gone a long time. He would not answer his phone! I had trouble keeping a straight expression! When he came back he said he had no idea, and it must have switched itself on in his pocket. I didn’t believe him at the time but I didn’t say as much. Having read about how your kind love being in control I now realise that this was a perfect toy for him!

    He has one adult son and told me that the previous year he had “completely forgotten about” his birthday. At the time I thought how thoughtless he was to forget about his only child’s birthday. Now I know this was done to get fuel from the hurt it would cause. This year he seemed very pleased with himself that he had got his son a fantastic present, and triumphantly showed me what it was. It was a male masturbatory sex toy. I thought how weird it was to buy that for a son, and I was rather creeped out. So I think he either had one himself and was very happy with it and genuinely thought it was a fantastic present. Or it was to have a dig at his son’s partner, who he described as “very controlling” (projection and perhaps because she has seen through the N). Or it was to gain fuel due to the inappropriate nature of the present. What are your thoughts HG?

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    1. Hello Rainbow,

      Thank you for your observations about how you responded to the various gifts that he bought, I found it interesting, particularly the point about making a meal. Your experience with the internal vibrator was entertaining and i would like to have seen you try and walk to the bar and order a drink! He knew exactly what he was doing and something like this would be a MASSIVE attraction to our kind. You are regarded as an appliance and what better way than to connect you to him in some way so he can in a way, switch you on and off. He would have been gaining considerable Thought Fuel from this (I suspect he would perhaps even have been spying on you to see you reaction as you fought to keep a straight face).
      As for the situation with his son, it is no surprise that he forgot the birthday. Turning to the present this was all about the fuel:-
      1. Fuel from you by your reaction – either wow what a great present or hmmm that’s not right
      2. Fuel from his son – wtf have you bought that for? And then, you are so ungrateful son, etc etc
      3. Fuel from his son’s partner – are you saying I don’t satisfy him?
      I agree with your comment about projection and potential seeing through.

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  22. Patrinarc used to do 2, 3 and 19. I cannot remember receiving any kind of present from Golden child sibling. The few presents Victim Matrinarc bought for me was when she was on holiday abroad, but not on my birthday.

    Three different passive-aggressive friends of mine and Monster-in-law used to give me -their own used items- as birthday or Christmas presents. Lots of Rubbish Gifts, Wrong Gifts and Residual Fuel. One of them gave me the same present on three consecutive birthdays (different colour). When I told her I did not want any presents, she replied “I am a giver”. After reading HG’s texts, I realized they had got plenty of Thought Fuel, even though I did not care and used to throw their presents away or donating them to charity (clothes) before I decided to go NC.

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  23. I received no gifts the first year we were together. He missed every birthday and holiday. He would show up after Christmas to rekindle our relationship. The second year he began to shower me with gifts. Even received some after a discard, although strangely enough never on my birthday or for holidays. He also did the thing where he promised to buy me something for my birthday and then never did it. Even once he told me that he was all set to buy this expensive thing I really wanted badly and I’d told him no. I was shocked, I certainly never told him no. Mind boggling to say the least, until now. Two days until my birthday, and I’m left wondering what will happen. Probably nothing.

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  24. What about receiving gifts? I gave a gift for a birthday and I had it made especially for him and I heard absolutely nothing about it. I was pretty surprised.

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  25. Most recent Narc gave me a TV- no occasion. I had mentioned I had just bought myself a TV and he asked what kind. He works in the entertainment industry, in television specifically, so he’s a bit of a “TV snob.” Apparently the one I bought was not good enough, not big enough, not enough pixels, etc. So he called his favorite salesperson and took me to his favorite electronics store and bought me an expensive TV and told me to return the other one.

    I was kind of confused because I actually liked the other one, but I felt happy and special and thought wow he must be very serious about me to buy me such a nice expensive gift. Now I see how he was getting fuel from a few angles, being superior in his TV knowledge and being able to afford the better TV, getting fuel from the guys at the store for having me there with him and buying yet another TV from them, and of course from me that night, and throughout our entire relationship this TV was mentioned repeatedly. By him and by me.

    He must make a habit of giving TV’s because a friend told me a story about how he gave his parents and very nice TV and then tore it off the wall and smashed it and destroyed it because they “weren’t grateful enough.” I always tried to reinforce to him how grateful I was for this reason.

    I recently escaped him and realized I needed to get that TV out of my house, so I had it delivered back to him by a 3rd party. What happens if you return a gift back to the narcissist, HG?

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      1. Good morning HG,
        I didn’t know anything about wounding and fuel at the time but I sensed that if I was not excited or appreciated the gifts my ex gave me that she was not going to be happy. I did wear things that she bought me only to make her happy. I didn’t know if she was going to get angry or what reaction she would have so I always made sure to say thanks and to show my excitement and surprise.

        When you bought a piece of jewelry or personal item for one of your exes did you expect to see it on them immediately following? What feeling do you experience when you see that?

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  26. Hello HG

    I’m new to this site, although not new to reading about, knowing and being with N’s – seriously, twice! I just bought two of your books and read them both. I think I was just discarded in a most ingenious way, and even tho I knew it was coming I was and am still shocked (it was a series of texts, including two from the new g/f). I may consult you separately about that, as it could just be the Silent Treatment. What I want to know is will an N respond to a request to give me a parting gift, as I loved him so much and know I must let him go now as he requested (!!). I’m dying for the hoover….and fighting the urge to initiate it…. how perverse of me!!!

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    1. Welcome Foxy. No, he will not because he is in the golden period with the new IPPS and you will be regarded as a nuisance or worse if you keep contacting him now.

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  27. Thank you HG…..I haven’t contacted him actually. I wrote an email but didn’t send it. She’s been in place for almost three yrs, I’ve been in place for 5, and he’s married. I knew about both, but neither knew about me, other than the new IPPS believing I was an ex he stayed friends with.He just left his wife due to pressure from her, and now I’m cut off and ignored, despite the last txt saying he would contact whoever he wants when he feels like it. I was smeared as well as far as I can tell. I’m the one who could expose him to the new IPPS, as I have multiple evidence, however he’s already set it up by telling her I’m crazy. It’s only been 5 days, but compared to multiple calls and texts everyday, going to nothing is really hard…it hurts. He’ll know that and be revelling in it. I want revenge now bigtime, but know it won’t help. I’d at least like a conversation at this point but don’t know how to initiate it now. He does usually respond after a big drama (there have been many, but this one is huge!).

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  28. Mmm 🙁 gifts ripped off my neck torn from my wrists thrown out windows into rivers and lakes out moving car windows
    Rings pulled off my fingers flushed down the toilet
    Smashed in front of me
    Gifts that suddenly disappear
    Gifts retuned to the store because I was sure you didn’t like it …uh huh ok
    Gifts are never just gifts from a Narc they are weapons

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  29. In the beginning of our relationship my narc boyfriend bought me super expensive birthday presents I did not want and he bought them with MY debit card, unreal, especially since he knew I hardly had any money. When i was upset about it he started to sulk. Only now I realise he enjoyed my reaction and would get some sadistic pleasure of of it.
    Sometimes I would get a very expensive pen or other object, only to realise much later on it was because he had been cheating or badmouthing me behind my back or because I was on the verge of leaving him.
    Stupidly enough I had children with him and he always favoures our daughter above our son. Our daughter gets expensive and lots of gifts and our younger son only one or two stupid gifts. He is such an wrong-un, wish I never met him, never married him, never let him manipulate the shit out if me, never let him abuse me, never had children with him because they suffer so much with their narc father, it is devastating.

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  30. Reading about Narcs and your experiences….what a bunch of useless drama queens they are, wasting everyone’s time and not meaning what they say or do, always an agenda behind everything.

    Not being able to give or receive love in a genuine manner, always competeing, one-upping, passive aggressively insulting, plotting revenge over their delusions, keeping tabs, always one eye on the Jones’, trusting no one because they can’t be trusted themselves; judging everyone by their own shitty, shitty standards and morals…and worst of all, projectile vomiting their own issues all over unaware, decent people. What an entirely tragic existence.

    I think that’s what we call retribution and karma, ladies & gents.

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  31. Just met a guy in town. Talked a couple of times on phone. The first time he calls he says I have a GREAT gift for you. It’s connected to my hometown. He says he will leave it under my car while I am at work. Today I leave work and I see a brown paper bag under my car. It’s filled with OLD, OBVIOUSLY USED MOIST MAGAZINES!!! I don’t even want to touch them.I just took the bag and dropped it in a nearby garbage pail

    I want to ask this guy: Where did you get them from? Why would you think I would want somebody’s OLD USED magazines that were probably sitting in someone’s toilet?

    Thank God for these NARC blogs and videos and websites. Just found out about the NARC and BAD GIFT connection. I am NOW taking my time to really get to KNOW someone before I really let them into my life.

    I cannot wait for his phone call later. I will calmly ask him these questions. Then let him know I am complete. It sounds silly, but the OLD MOLDY magazines are a DEAL BREAKER.

    NO MORE NARCS for me!

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    1. What happened ? What a disgusting thing to leave someone.

      I would have driven over the bag and then pretended to him that I was sorry but oh, I just forgot to look under the car as I was so busy and had to go – not give the filthy arse any satisfaction at all. Not give a reason for breaking things off, or say that I’ve reunited with an ex, have a nice life, goodbye. Play these idiots at their own game. A reaction from their intended victim is what they live for, cut it off and they die.

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  32. This makes a whole lot of sense. I laughed out loud a couple of times. I described two experiences of him buying me a gift as if he were ‘choking’ on the gesture. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now! His other ‘gifts’ make every bit of sense now.

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    1. …and when I bought him gifts, they were discarded, never looked at or used, and Is put a lot of thought into them. The only gifts he used were pyjamas, slipper and dressing gown, but he never brought up the fact that he appreciated them; he never said ‘thank you’. What do you say about narcs receiving gifts? Thanks, HG.

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      1. We are entitled to them hence why ‘thank you’ is often not heard. During seduction the gifts will be welcomed and you are likely to be thanked. During devaluation, you are less likely to be thanked and indeed the gift may be rejected and criticised.

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