I Want

 

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides me. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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86 thoughts on “I Want”

    1. Mr. Tudor said his beast wasn’t a demon. I wait anxiously to learn more about this beast. He might need his own book.
      Btw, Mr. Tudor, for someone who is limited on feelings, your words are very powerful. They obviously are coming from a place of deep emotions.

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      1. LOVE How about a Beast of a Demon or a Demon of a Beast. They can be interchangeable if you ask me. I agree with your later statement, the words came from somewhere have come from somewhere. Let’s not forget that a great writer can evoke feelings from his readers. He is honing his skills. >

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      2. Yes, Love! Nice point, he does feel deeply and writes beautifully on what he feels. His seething anger speaks.

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      3. Very true Ah Oh. Lol it doesn’t take much to evoke emotions out of me, as with most sensitive people. I don’t know if its the right emotions though, because it draws my compassion and a deep feeling of sadness.

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    2. I think the real demon is the facade, the edifice, the structure built around his beast. The inner beast only wants to attack him. The facade wants to bring down everyone around him. It wants to bring us down and it does.

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      1. I believe that sums up the emotional experience of the N though they are not always aware. Just one opinion.
        And it is an extremely harsh existence but since the inner beast is contained most of the time the N doesn’t experience it unless criticized, loses fuel etc…

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      1. you might have escaped.. but I truly hope you’ll be free, I never will be, my escape unleashed the mother of all malice still going on nearly 3 yrs later

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  1. I want you to know you are brilliant.
    I want you to know you are formidable and intense.
    I want you to know you are a force to be reckoned with.
    I want you to know you are perfect.

    I want you to know you are appreciated and admired.
    Respected and adored.

    I want you to know you should never stop.

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  2. You want us to feel your pain. 💔
    I don’t want pain for your kind or my kind.
    You achieve all of the above if we don’t succeed at NC. It’s sooo much work.
    That was great writing HG,

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  3. Wow, I felt that drive right through my body like a spear. I guess I have felt most of this but because of your kind I am much stronger… I want you to know that you cannot destroy me.

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  4. And what happens when you have failed, when she has escaped and notably broke the chains, bonds, and you no longer haunt her as you once did, though you will never be forgotten and she keeps you close to her breast metaphorically so she is never recaptured? What happens when you stalk her till the end of your days, the one, the only one who seemed to break the code, who seems to walk among and amidst but almost no longer earth bound, and you are left with watching her unfold and build her defenses and thrive without you, and when it is done, in the end of your days you never reclaimed her, and you have to face you lost, what happens then?

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    1. Well put CC, I liked reading that.
      1. The chain is never truly broken, not in our mind.
      2. If you are no longer giving us fuel and the prospects of achieving fuel through a hoover are very low then we will be forced to go elsewhere;
      3. If you enter our sixth sphere but there is no meeting of the hoover execution criteria, we will experience frustration but seek fuel elsewhere to alleviate that sensation.
      4. It would not go so far as to watch somebody like that, to that extent, our attention would be elsewhere.

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      1. Thank you HG, it brings joy that you liked reading something I wrote.

        The chains are an illusion. They were never real in the first place. I understand though, that you (other’s like you) are an escape artist from the truth. It is understood that you are forced to go elsewhere, this doesn’t change the fact you feel that the one who escaped you belongs to you, so truly she never leaves any sphere of yours when you strip it down, now does she, because you own her, and when you “possess” something in the way a Narcissist does, it is never forgotten, because as you have disclosed many times, of the fuel that once was provided. So she is put aside until the fuel can be extracted again. Yes, you do watch not in the physical way however you watch in a sensory way, and you wait, sensing, and wait, sensing, and wait like the panther in the shadows stalking prey, and in the end, you will still be stalking and your paw will lash out and claw a ghost at your dismay as all your towers of illusions crumble down upon you.

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  5. HG as always perfect timing. Your words ring so true, at one time I did scream into the night, once it hit like tidal waves causeing me to bleed, now feels like a summer breeze
    Wrapped tight in your dark embrace my light dimmed, now burns bright
    What once was, will never be again
    You vs Me is all you will ever see

    He will always desire what once was his and will never be again.

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  6. Wow, sitting in salon chills shot through my body. Although, his last words were wait until I tell your son how much of a slut you are and now I see why your mom says those things. (Never seen or spoke with mom). I just recently started receiving odd texts from random numbers. One stated Are you available tonight? 11:30 pm a few days later What are your rates? That time I responded rates?? The person put massage. And a creepy emoji. I am assuming that he may have created a post of me offering sexual services. There’s no limit to how far your type will go after a betrayal especially in public after he were praising me to friends and family in an attempt to hurt the last appliance.

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      1. My first chance to respond to this HG.

        If EVER there was a way of describing how I felt, this is it … Absolute truth behind every word ! .. I wish every single Doctor/psychologist/therapist had access to your material . I’m seeing another councilor in a few weeks, when she asks me how I feel I will be reading this to her.. Maybe just maybe she just might get how it feels this time….
        Your blog posts just get better & better .. Thank you .

        NNS x

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  7. Perfection at its finest, doesnt get better then you HG. Those teeth can go deep, shivers up and down my spine.

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  8. Wailing your name HG,
    You punched me in the heart. How sick are we? Here I sit crying literally. You are broken and you want to break me. And how sick that I want you to do it to me. How sad that you need control and power so much because someone took yours away. How sad that someone took mine too. We are so enmeshed with each other. We are both missing the pieces to make us whole. I try to fill your empty hole by thinking if I could just love you enough and you fill mine with abuse because I think abuse is love. When I read this, I felt your power and feared you. I felt like I better act right. But I can never be right in your eyes. You became a predator. You became her. Why? When she was so mean and heartless. Why do you want to inflict it on me? To get back at her? I’m not her. I’m an abused girl/woman who has no idea what it is like to be accepted and unconditionally loved. You are an abused boy/man who has no idea what it is like to be accepted and unconditionally loved. We go to each other because we think conditional love is what a man and a woman should be together. That was the example we got. Love based on conditions. You went with meting out the conditions, I went with trying to meet the conditions. Its not right. We both love wrong. I’m so sad now. That post effected me like no other. Keep waking me up HG. Watch “Imagine Dragons – Dream (Official Lyrics)” on YouTube – http://wp.me/p7Tstz-h

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      1. For me, this piece goes hand in hand with Love is a Taught Construct.
        That powerful and emotional of a read. Since I’m known to be hot headed, I relate to some of those sentiments.
        Your final two sentences….I pictured little HG in his bedroom at night, alone following an episode with MatriNarc breaking him down even more. No comfort, no understanding of why this is his existence. All that’s left is to wish for her to lose all that control. Then lose it all.

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      1. SA, I love Imgaine Dragons. I believe they come from the city I currently reside…..unfortunately I can’t open that link though 😔

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      2. Steeviann you’re back? or Ah Oh and wordpress sucks again?
        I know this and I like the way that you worded it….*theatre darkens*
        In a world where dragons exist, one woman has the strength to battle them all….*woman battling dragon* Redshirt individual asks, who is this woman? Out of Vegas comes Imagine Dragons. But out of California (or Ohio can’t remember which) comes The Dragon Creeper. *DC kicking ass* Coming soon.
        ILY SA. U are the best. I meant I like her HG…gosh all love goes to you duh!

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      3. I meant I thought you changed your name again. That post came up Steeviann instead of ah oh. I missed you even though you never left. I cum, ahem, come for HG *recognized * and entertainment purposes as well. Lol.

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      4. Whoops, they are not from my city. One member is. Feeling this song today: Battle Cry….save yourself because nobody can save you from you. It’s do or die. Feels appropriate for me right now. Accessing inner warrioress, as I move forward.
        https://youtu.be/le8MoHjOyHo

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      5. You are mistaken Indy, they originated in Las Vegas. yeah hard to believe that anything comes out Las Vegas. Ah Jimmy Kimmel also. Along with a few others.
        Just saying.

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      6. Hi SA, I just realized that I was wrong after I posted it, woopsie 🙃I do love them. Just also realized FTW posted the link originally or was it you. Word press makes it ha d to follow order when one is tired lol. There have several songs that I have found apply to topics here….or HG has successfully infiltrated my brain wth everprescence 😉

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  9. I want you to know that I’ve felt it all from so many my whole life!! But it is one of them that has made me aware of what I am and what they are so that it will never happen again! Thank you HG!! You have my utmost respect and adoration!! Xxx

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  10. After i challenged and exposed my narc i want him to know the freedom i felt of getting rid of him. The weight of his burden and toxic ways that left my life. What a beautiful feeling that was. The release!! Fresh!! Freedom!! Back to normal! I began to eat again. To sleep soundly again. All because i had exposed him and unleashed him. Aaah now that felt like a drug!! No words to express that light bulb moment!

    I felt that knot of fear and everything uv described above while with him. But once i cottoned on and exposed him aaah man that feeling of release is indescribable.
    Yes i was given the threats from him of how he will kill me. How he will never forget the betrayal of figuring him out and spreading the word. He threatened everything in the book to scare me yet all i felt was release. I was free!!
    Since then iv realized his bark is bigger than his bite. He hasnt the energy to go thru with his threats. Besides he has more to lose than i if he went to war like he threatened. Iv known him too long and have learnt that all he is is words. Threatening words!! Way to lazy to follow thru.
    I want him to know that im very comfortable in my bed at night as he was a pathetic lay anyway. And thanks to HG i now know the truth of all those unanswered questions and at least HG has the balls between his legs to let us know that every dispicable thing uv done was premeditated and u were well aware of what u were doing. Thats all i needed to know!! That u not dumb! That u were nt unaware! That u pre planned it all!
    Now i can sit here and watch u dazed and confused as u try ur pathetic hoovers and watch them backfire in ur face.
    I want u to know that i sleep like a baby at night!! Peacefully ! knowing im finally rid of u and i HAVE stopped u. . Sorry for u but i win. U lose 😂 Sleep on that u pussy with a big mouth and too lazy for action!!

    Sorry HG. Had a glass of wine or two. Had to get that off my chest.

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      1. Quite the gentleman I must say. In reality there’s no real revenge against these types they will always usurp. We may cause injure but it’s only temporary until the next scheme or as empaths ( sucker) we regret the damage we cause and some seek to right our wrong biggest mistake in the word. I think our best position is to accept them as the evil people they are. All though we have obtained so much knowledge from HG blogs and books our overall healing is contingent upon us and our willingness to accept the pure evil and love self first.

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  11. I haven’t commented in a little while… I was busy handling a few hoover weeks that happened after the new target dumped him because she found a “hook-up” membership site on his phone… But during those hoover weeks I had a nightmare. In it, I was away by myself for a quiet weekend at a friend’s home in the country where I was staying by myself while they were away on a trip, and I was sitting outside around dusk reading a magazine and drinking an iced tea, and a vehicle approached, it was HIM, I got nervous and started gathering up my things, he got out and went and sat in another chair and leaned back and folded his hands in front of him at his waist, smugly, and then a few other little rough-looking pickups rolled down the dirt driveway and stopped, some younger redneck fellas started getting out, HE smiled, I started to panic as I felt fear rising up, something was wrong, I started backing up toward the walkway that lead to the door of the house, one of the redneck fellas pointed to me and asked him “Is this her?” and HE replied “Yep, go ahead”, and they started heading toward me as I was turning around to make a run for the door… RIGHT THEN is when I was awakened at 2:30 a.m. with a text tone from my phone… HIS tone… to hoover me with a “Please come over and sleep with me, I just want to hold you”. How freakishly ironic is that. See, my victim mid-ranger was never aggressive, didn’t yell at me, and didn’t ever get physically abusive with me, not his style at all. But I always used to tell him that with his silent treatments and cheating and crazy-making and disrespect and disregard and confusion and lies, that he had done everything possible to hurt, every little thing a man could do to hurt a woman, that the only thing left was to call me a cunt and beat the crap out of me… and why don’t you just go ahead and do that? Finish the job? And the empath that I am always “forgave” his bad behavior by blaming his “demons”. I think my nightmare pulled it all together. His demons did beat the crap outta me and call me a cunt, with everything that HE did do, and he smiled and watched.

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  12. Having my child taken away because I chose to live in denial and not move out. I have to live the rest of my life with that and he was the one who had her removed. Ive been so stuck for almost a year now…so full of guilt n shame, hatred too. Ive wanted to know why he did this to me. Your writings HG Tudor have given me the answers to pretty much all the questions I now know he will never answer. The paragraph about crushed dreams and I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy dead weight of your guilt to pin you down…yepper he sure does. I wont allow him to rent space in my body,mind and soul anymore. I bought into so much of his evil, hurtful crap. I now believe I was a disloyal appliance who challenged him. I really thought that this type of disorder you grow out of by the age of 57…can you? So now being more aware of his evil and finally accepting I will never get the truth as to why he did what he did nor will he change into the person he said he was n at one time I was in love with. I must shut him out of my life completely. I must now be on constant alert, make sure my doors are always locked, my car is hidden because I can feel his wrath coming… It feels like this vicious cycle will never end! I want me back…whoever that use to be so long ago. I believe Ill see her and be her again. Im gonna stop allowing this nightmare define who I am. Im gonna purge myself of all the self hatred and hatred towards him that Ive been harboring deep down within me. Im gonna remove him from my head and Im gonna right now start looking forward with my head held up high and my shoulders straight. I refuse to look at the ground anymore.. I refuse to hate on myself ever again instead Im gonna love me and take care of me it has been along time.Knowledge is Power! Thank you so much for your words.

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    1. Hello Gooey, you are most welcome. There is certainly a defiant determination in what you have written and as you gain more and more understanding as to why he has behaved the way he has and why he continues to be this way, you will find that the tumultuous emotions that you have experienced will be replaced by the understanding that you have gained and this in our will provide you with a clarity of purpose which had been absent before, owing to the heightened emotion and confusion you were experiencing. Yes, you might think that we would grow out of the disorder as we age. Some of our kind become milder as they trade-off the pursuit of high grade fuel by recognising the weight of the residual benefits – e.g. having someone care for them as they age and thus they create less drama, but it is not always the case. There are still those of our kind whose malice continues and indeed worsens, as a reaction to the facing of the looks ad powers that they once wielded.

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    2. Gooey, HG is heaven sent of you continue to read his blogs and books the fog will lift and you will see clearly again. You will learn the power of evil and how destructive these types are. Do not take any of his post lightly the manipulations, soulless, lack of conscious, and lies are real.
      Give your self the gift of forgiveness; it’s a gift to you because it releases the poison from your soul. I am not aware of your spiritual beliefs bit of hope you find comfort in the information I found below.

      Forgiving yourself is not specifically addressed in the Bible, but there are principles regarding forgiveness that should be applied. For example, when God forgives us, it states that He remembers our sins no more (Jeremiah 31:34). This does not mean that our all-knowing Father God forgets, but rather, because He forgives us, He chooses not to bring up our sin in a negative way. Peter said, “In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality” (Acts 10:34). Applying “no partiality” to the issues of forgiveness, God does not choose to forgive one person and not another. He forgives everyone who believes in Jesus Christ. Applying His “no partiality” standards to ourselves, it is just as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.

      Forgiving yourself is not about forgetting. It is about not bringing the offense up to yourself in negative ways. Forgiving yourself is simply letting go of what you are holding against yourself so that you can move on with God. If God has moved on, shouldn’t we do the same? Philippians 4:9 states that we are to put into practice those things that we have learned from God and from His Word. To continue to rehearse in our thoughts the events of our transgression, opposes Philippians 4:8 which tells us to dwell on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.

      Forgiving Yourself – Personal Action
      Proverbs 16:25 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” The energy it takes to harbor anger, hatred, and resentment towards yourself is exhaustive. Every bit of energy we give to negative activities and dwelling on regrets, robs us of the energy we need to become the person God wants us to be.

      Life is full of choices and every choice we make will either take us in a positive, life-giving direction or rob us of the opportunity to be a life-giving individual. Forgiving ourselves does not let us off the hook, it does not justify what we have done, and it is not a sign of weakness. Forgiveness is a choice that takes courage and strength, and it gives us the opportunity to become an overcomer rather than remaining a victim of our own scorn.

      If you do not forgive yourself of past sins, it is a form of pride. Whenever we enact a different set of rules, a higher set of standards for ourself over others, that is pride. When we can find it within ourself to forgive others, but not ourselves, we are saying that we are less capable of making a poor decision than others. We are somehow more intuitive, wiser, more insightful, more careful than others, and therefore, we are without excuse and should not forgive ourselves. When we reject the forgiveness extended to us by God and others, when we refuse to forgive ourselves, what we are doing is setting ourselves above others and that is pride! Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Unforgiveness of oneself will bring self-destruction, a haughty spirit, and a fall. Christian forgiveness will bring peace.

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  13. Reading this post gave me chills its my present circumstances…The following paragraph told me everything I needed for today… I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin me down. I feel broken and empty and I don’t wanna wallow in this crap any longer. It was all just wasted time! If you are a narc… is it for life? Can or do you grow out of it? It’s just so hard for me to grasp that at 57 you could still want or feel the need to destroy people.

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    1. You do not grow out of it. You may become worse with age, or you may become milder. See No Time For Time for an article about that.
      Regardless of age, all is as the fuel wills it to be. That is what drives us.

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  14. Thank you HG, there is a fine line at twilight just when dark mets light. Sunsets and sunrises is the time I think of the dance. There is a moment when there is perfect balance, then one overcomes the other always chasing desiring the other, yet never being able to touch, except at twilight.
    My mind is racing tonight…..

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    1. My favorite time in the day, the in between time, twilight. the most beautiful of color. Painted different for us everday. By the master artist that no one can match in the creation of beauty. If you’re by the ocean, did you see the flash? I like to watch the night overtake the day. Nightfalling. In the gloaming. The stars come out and the luminary of the night rises. Let’s have wine and a fire and watch it unfold.
      DFA….beautiful description. Not trying to hijack yours. My sentimentality took over and I really do love that time of day. I was compelled to agree with you.

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      1. FTW,
        What a beautiful song, Dream…I wanna dream, leave me to dream in this mess called life…..

        Oh, well, I do not like tidy bows on neat packages 💕

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  15. HG You have pierced my heart with this post and I am reduced to tears. I am numb. I am furious. I am broken. I am betrayed. I feel despair. I can’t concentrate. I can’t make it through a day with out crying. I feel strong when he’s not here, but my blood boils when he comes home. My blood pressure goes up when I see his face. He tells me he doesn’t hate me, he is just indifferent, but I truly hate him. He made me feel weak, but I took him down. And though I begin the process to break his hold, I can never really be totally free because of our children. He taunts me. He blames me. He says I’m stupid. He threatens to tell the kids that it’s all my fault. I did this to him. It’s my fault he went to someone else. It’s my fault he didn’t come home to see his kids. Even though he spent night after night at her house until 4am when he was supposedly working, he didn’t sleep with her. How could I not believe him? Even though I went to the house and saw them through the window, I didn’t see anything. How could I ruin everything? There are consequences if I go through with it (divorce). He’s going to keep delaying it. Everyone knows about me. My friends know I’m crazy. Without him I should jump off a bridge and kill myself. I can never get another guy. I was dogshit when he met me and I’m dogshit now. It never ends…

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    1. I have to say this even if it sounds pollyana-ish it is not. It is life and death. Don’t give up. Never give up on yourself. Hang in there it gets better. Even if it takes years find a way. You can get through this.

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  16. I am hiding so you can come find me.
    “For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst?” Kahlil Gibran.

    Darkness Falls Again: beautiful words.

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  17. I want you to know that I will make these words my mantra, my life’s mission statement to guard my unconquerable soul against your kind.
    I want you to know that your pathetic act needs improvement for even this naive defective appliance could see right through you.
    I want you to know I don’t love you or hate you. I want you to know you simply ceased to exist: file deleted.
    I want you to know I’m the one that got away.

    HG, another effortless piercing masterpiece. You are hereby nominated for the Non-Fiction Pulitzer Prize by one appreciative rebelious appliance. Or am I a minion? Lol

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      1. This is your blog. You will always win.
        Without authority, in my mind the Prize is yours.
        I’ve been reading your posts for a week now. I undertand the raw truthful, emotionless, witty, creative speech.
        I’m using your perspective of the issue to supplement what I’ve learnt from other research on the subject and move forward the next stage of my personal evolution.

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  18. I see the eyes of a predator, a highly skilled marksman, with lethal accuracy. You just have the wrong duck, the ones you aim for are hollow wooden decoys. My heart aches reading this mixed with fearful respect, as I would have for a Cheetah. Feeling like the antelope, armed with a machine gun.

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  19. Frenchtoastweb no I have never seen a flash of green, yet I have watched many storms in the horizon while at the beach.
    Wine and a fire and watch the night unfold what a lovely idea.
    Thank you FTW and Love.

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    1. I have seen this flash of green once. Sunset on an outrigger off the coast of Maui. Six of us and the wind picked up to the point you could barely hear each other speak. It was work to row back to shore. But a wonderful experience. I love rowing, one paddle.

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      1. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing it in several places. Best one was Sanibel/Captiva Island. Should we talk about sun dogs? Oh sorry HG this is a Narc site starring YOU. Guess we better start saying how he is our sun, moon and stars and uh galaxy, universe……

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  20. Seriously Au Oh, I thought it was made up. I lived there a few years back.
    That must have been terrifying yet exciting at the same time.

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  21. HG,
    OMG. I can’t even think of something clever. That’s because of the things you made me recall that I cannot speak of. So, since I can’t do that I will use music as a conduit.
    Because of You – Kelly Clarkston. Read the lyrics or watch it on YouTube. Maybe someone will take the time to do it and they will see it and agree.

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  22. HG,

    I know you don’t know my ex and so maybe can’t comment, but in your view, is a narc who has been figured out, exposed and whose partner is starting to recoil from him and who he fears might leave him, capable of the following: uncharacteristically ( for a financially mean person) booking a short trip near to some very steep cliffs, getting angry when their partner wants their older and more astute child to come along, only wanting the younger, daydreamer child to come, because their aim is to push their partner off a cliff when no one is watching, rather than suffer the humiliation of being left or having to share out finances? Would they kill rather than lose face or money?

    Also, is a true narcissist capable of fiddling with their partner’s laptop when she gets a new job, so that her work emails automatically delete and disappear into the ether, as an act of sabotage?

    And would a narcissist be genuinely offended and angered by their wife going back to university and graduating quite highly, rather than encourage her and be proud? My ex is very intelligent but I have a feeling he was chucked out of university and the military, and so I am now better qualified than him. Looking back, I think he cleverly tried to sabotage my studies, but he didn’t succeed.

    Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

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    1. Hello Narcissistic5, it is possible yes. Ordinarily we do not want our fuel sources to die because well, they are no longer a decent fuel source, if dead, nor can they be hoovered at a later stage. Thus killing a source is extremely rare – it may happen if a Lesser loses control say if the primary source is trying to escape and this act ignites his fury and he lashes out through heated fury. That is an instinctive response to the trauma of losing the primary fuel source. In your example, this sounds more like the more calculated behaviour of a Mid-Ranger who sees no other fuel sources available and with fuel levels already low, he faces the loss of the primary source. He has no replacement, he has low levels and thus is pushed into Crisis Mode which could case him to lose a grip on his behaviour and plan to kill somebody. Usually the narcissist would seek fuel from somewhere else, either seek out a new primary source or rely o secondary sources for a short period of time, but if this is not an option, the scenario you described could happen.
      The act of sabotage is entirely consistent with the behaviours of a narcissist.
      Yes he would be offended by their wife getting a distinctive graduation because this would be perceived as a massive criticism by him.

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  23. Aww HG you are right this is about you, I did see a wolf last night on my way home, made me think of you. Beautiful animals I love to hear them howl.
    Anne Belle Bkack I listened to that song so many times afterwards. I just couldnt speak and it said it all.

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  24. The scar. The reminiscence of an ode once sang.

    Etched deep inside the flesh of your heart, burned into your soul to stay there forever. It’s lingering presence, dark, cold, overshadows every thought you have, every action you take. Even breathing becomes difficult as it slowly envelops every inch of your body.

    It is the chain linking you to the past, making sure you will never forget.

    Who’s yanking it though? I doubt it’s the N you got rid of.
    The innate tendency to hold yourself accountable combined with being accustomed to abuse is making you yank your own chain. Please consider who you’re honoring in doing so.

    One day you will look in the mirror and realize you have survived the pain, humiliation, betrayal, abandonment, isolation, confusion, shame, guilt, the nightmares. Yes it’s been horrible, yes you went through all seven layers of hell, but you got through it. Surviving is not an overstatement. People die from this, but not you. You are strong, resilient, brave and courageous. You are a survivor. It’s not his scar anymore, it’s yours. It doesn’t hurt you, it empowers you. Be proud of yourself!

    The scar. The reminiscence of an ode once sang. The current proof you’re one tough cookie.

    Wear it with pride.

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      1. Teal Canyon,

        I love so much of what you just wrote here. Yes, these scars are stripes, Tiger stripes. Anything that has an ultimate meaning and purpose….is survivable. It is the strength and knowledge and experience that comes afterwards that makes it worth it. And, gives us strength to be here to continue our learning and spread the word on how to survive. And, we must not continue carving more stripes into our skin through self inflicted blame and pain. Amen.

        Yes, some do die(of suicide, of drug addiction, of eating disorders, of domestic violence). We didn’t. We can pass the word on to help others.

        Proud! Of ALL of us here….making a difference.

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