Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?

 

 

Image result for man offering lots of flowers

If you find yourself receiving the repeated attentions of somebody, there is a solid chance that this person is a narcissist and one of our kind. The attention that is being given to you may take a variety of different forms. It may manifest as complimenting you, offering to take you out for dinner, asking you for a date, sending you amorous texts, leaving gifts at your workplace, standing and watching you, driving past your house repeatedly, damaging your property, covering your car in battery acid, throwing pain at your windows, calling you names, repeatedly ringing your phone and not speaking and a thousand other different ways. To an outsider some of these behaviors may have the appearance of trying to seduce you and others are clearly designed to frighten and intimidate. Ultimately, both will be unwelcome and the individual who keeps persisting in this behavior is more often than not a narcissist. You may have worked this out and you are entirely clear as to what they are as they try to draw you back into the relationship or make your life a living hell. It is highly unlikely that you will know that the first time seducer is actually one of us, no matter how persistent that person is. You are far more likely to decide that the person is infatuated, obsessed, a stalker or a bit odd. Narcissist is not going to be the label you apply. Not when it happens for the first time.

Why then do we engage in such persistent behaviour? Why do we try and seduce and woo you into entering into a Formal Relationship, to draw you back in to one or just to make your life a misery?

  1. The First Seduction

It may seem pleasant at first to receive this attention even though you are not interested and with a smile you turn down the overtures of the office Romeo. He persists in keep asking you out. He is always polite and charming but you do not wish to say no. You may have a partner already, not be interested in dating or just find this person not to your liking. You keep rebuffing this person, sometimes more firmly than on other occasions but he will not take no for an answer. There should be a picture of this man or woman in the dictionary under ‘persistence’. They are never horrible, never nasty but you start to get that sensation of dread now whenever you see him or her coming down the corridor towards you, or walking down your garden path or their number appears on your ‘phone. You do not want to be unpleasant about it, because you can see they are, apparently, a pleasant person, but it is starting to become something that is unwelcome. Why will this person not get the message.

  1. Our sense of entitlement means that if we decide we want something, then we get it. It does not matter what anybody else says or wants, we are entitled to do what we want. We want to seduce you and make you our primary appliance. Accordingly, we will keep going until we achieve this or we decide against doing so. What you say to us or what a third party might do will not dissuade us.
  2. We do not recognise boundaries and therefore we can come and park our tanks on your lawn. We want you as an extension of ourselves and we do not regard there as being any boundary to prevent us from doing so.
  3. You have been identified by us as a potentially brilliant source of fuel. We undertake planning before we make our move and also rely on instinct in identifying those who serve out needs the most effectively. The extent of the planning will vary dependent on the type of narcissist, but one way or another you have been spotted as a supertanker of fuel and we want that fuel, thus you have to become our primary source. The prize is well worth expending the effort. Thus, if you cannot understand why we just keep going and going, you may wish to consider whether it is who you are that is attracting us to such a degree. You may think you are something of a catch and viewed by the ‘normals’ you are, but to us it is your status as a provider of fuel that has caught our eye. This behaviour appears mainly by Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists because they are able to last longer using secondary sources for their fuel supply whilst they continue the hunt with you.
  4. It may be that the way you are engaging with us, even though you are trying to tell us that you are not interested, is what continues to have us pressing you. If you smile when we appear with some flowers and you thank us for them but politely let us know you do not want a date, you are still giving us fuel. If you giggle with your friends when we perform some silly romantic gesture at the door of your workplace, then we receive fuel. Even if you show irritation or perhaps begin to shout that we should leave you alone, you are providing fuel. This both sustains us and encourages us.
  5. A further alternative is that we are obtaining fuel elsewhere, this is most likely to be from devaluing the current primary appliance and so long as this fuel is being provided then the pursuit will continue. We can keep chipping away at your resistance for a long time, since we are getting fueled elsewhere and this is sustaining our endeavours to secure you as the replacement primary source. If there is any kind of engagement on your behalf, even if fuel is not being provided, although it usually is, you are providing encouragement that a breakthrough may occur.

 

How then do you stop this narcissist from keep trying to seduce you? You need to give NoFuC. This stands for No Fuel Carrier. You must shut off the fuel, avoid any engagement and demonstrate that there will be no fuel provided. You will not smile, you will not say thanks but no thanks, you will not tell us to piss off or shout angrily for us to leave us alone. You will not accept the gifts, you will not acknowledge us, you will block all calls and insert gatekeepers where you can. By giving NoFuC, the narcissist who was gaining fuel from the interaction will break off and go elsewhere. If there is no means of contact, or very little, this combined with an absence of fuel will also dissuade us. If we are gaining fuel still elsewhere, if it is impossible or hard to contact you and there is no evidence of fuel being available, we are likely to test your resolve but ultimately with no potential for fuel, we will shift out focus somewhere else.

Ensuring you give NoFuC and doing so consistently is the key to dissuading the narcissist who is trying to seduce you for the first time. This is of course if you are fortunate enough not to be interested, since nearly all targets are interested and thus susceptible to being seduced and that you recognise what you are dealing with.

  1. Post Escape

In this instance you are more likely, albeit not guaranteed, to know that you are dealing with one of our kind. What is happening when we will not leave you alone when you have escaped us?

  1. You may be experiencing the Initial Grand Hoover. If the attempts to contact you and establish the Formal Relationship again are taking place soon after your escape, they are intense and repeated in nature and you feel like you are under siege, then this is the IGH. To deal with this you need to maintain no contact and sit the blitzkrieg out. Dependent on the type of narcissist you are dealing with and the availability of other fuel sources, the IGH can be sustained for a number of weeks. More usually it is a concentrated blast over a week or so and then if your resolve holds, there will be a respite as we withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere to recover from the diminution in our supply caused by your escape. You need to put your tin hat on and hunker down.
  2. If it is not the IFH but the behaviour towards you is pleasant and/or aimed at getting you to come back to us, you are experiencing a Benign Follow Up Hoover. The BFUH can happen repeatedly too. It is less intense but can appear on and off over years. Why is this happening?

Firstly, you must be activating the Hoover Trigger by entering one of the five spheres of influence. Are you responding to messages, are you contacting the narcissist about something, are you passing near where he lives or works, are you fraternizing with people who know him or her? You need to ascertain which sphere or spheres of influence you are entering and stay out of them.

If you do this and the BFUHs keep happening, then you are appearing in the sixth sphere which is our mind. Usually this is only sporadic because we will be occupied with other fuel sources, but it can be the case that if you were/are a particularly good fuel source once you appear in the sixth sphere you become lodged there and the trigger keeps getting activated.

That alone of course is not enough to bring about the hoover. The Hoover Execution Criteria has to be met as well. It is obviously being met if you keep experiencing these BFUHs and what usually causes the criteria to be met is that some fuel is being provided which encourages us to keep pressing for more.

You need to ascertain how this fuel is being caused. There are three potential reasons

Proximate Fuel – you are having some interaction with us which allows us to draw fuel from you. This might be when you are passing where we work, when there is a handover of children or such like. This will then allow the criteria to be easily met and thus you can expect BFUHs to occur. Turn off the provision of proximate fuel. Avoid us or where that is not possible, ensure no or very little fuel is provided when there is proximate interaction.

Thought Fuel – we may be encouraged by the Thought Fuel that we obtain from perceiving how you are reacting to our interactions. If we believe, based on previous experience, you will smile when you get the flowers or you will think back to when we were together when we drop a CD of a certain song through your letterbox, this will encourage us. Thought Fuel has a limited shelf life and if it is this which is giving us the encouragement, by sitting it out, its effect will dissipate and the criteria will no longer be met.

Proxy Fuel – you have a traitor in your camp. It may be someone well-intentioned or someone deliberately spying on you, but this individual is feeding to us your reactions to what we are doing. We do not see your emotional reaction, we do not purely envisage it, but someone is telling us that you keep talking about us, you get upset when our name is mentioned and so forth. This encourages us and allows the criteria to be met. You need to work out who this is and prevent them from relaying this information to us, either through asking them to stop or more usually by not giving them the information in the first place.

 

If you halt the trigger and even if you have a narcissist who is stuck in the sixth sphere, if you prevent the provision of the above types of fuel, this will be more likely to prevent the criteria being met. No trigger or a trigger and no criteria being met means no more hoovers and you will be left alone.

  1. The Malign Follow-Up Hoover

There is no desire to resurrect the Formal Relationship. We do not want positive fuel from you in any event. We want to hurt you, make you cry, make you angry, make you scared. Whatever it is, we want your negative response as this will allow us to draw negative fuel from you and also punish you.

Again, prevent the triggers by staying out the sphere of influence. The Malign FUH causes a real problem because the narcissist may remain stuck in the sixth sphere through malice and if he is gaining fuel from a new primary source, there is a greater risk of the narcissist having sufficient fuel to keep trying with you. Thus with the malign FUH the threshold for the hoover execution criteria is often lower. This is why when you have somebody who is doling out malign FUHs against you, it can appear overwhelming, incessant and frenzied. The thought fuel is also stronger with this type of FUH.

Avoid the triggers. If you are and they are still happening, it is clear the sixth sphere is being activated. Make yourself hard to contact, avoid providing fuel as described above and eventually the need for fuel and the lack of it from you, will cause you to be left alone, but you should be aware that the propensity to be stuck in the sixth sphere, the availability of other fuel and the lowered criteria threshold can result in a very rough ride for some people, not all, but some.

  1. Post discard

There will be no IGH when this happens because we chose to discard you. You will face Benign FUHs and/or Malign FUHs dependent on the type of narcissist and the prevailing situation. The same considerations apply as described above.

Ultimately, we will not leave you alone because of the prospect of fuel and the taste of fuel that is being provided in the meanwhile. This is what drives us to keep harassing, contacting and pestering you, but as ever, there are steps you can take. Understand why it is happening and then you can establish what action needs to be taken. It may be maintaining your defences, preserving no contact and sitting out the storm or it may also require proactive steps on your part.

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40 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?”

  1. Thank you, i appreciate the him/her context because i am escaping one now through no contact and this really helps. We have children but i am using only third party for any contact with her. No fuel to the fire?

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  2. I can relate to this post RIGHT now. I have not responded, yesterday and today has been silent thus far. However his last text to me was that he will wait forever for me. Was that just another attempt at getting me to respond or am I doomed for pop ups the rest of my life?

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      1. Yes DC, I’m going through it right now. Its taking all of my will and soul not to respond and tell him I love him. I will always love him. I dream of him every night and can’t touch another man because I miss his touch, his scent, his everything.

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      2. I don’t want to even deal with the ex anymore… I am over the BS… He is still trying to get me to respond to his texts. :/ About an hour ago I had 8 police at my door saying someone from my residence called the police. I am pretty sure he is trying to get me razzled… it isn’t working. It is becoming really ridiculous and mundane.

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      3. Oh goodness. I’m sorry DC. That’s just ridiculous, if he’s down to childish pranks and games. Its wonderful you are over him. It makes ignoring the hoovers much easier…. Which he probably knows, so he has to up the ante. Good luck to you. Whether we are still in love them or want them to disappear, seems like we have to keep fighting our instincts to reach out and deal with them through love and compassion.

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  3. After the breakup it was gift after gift . Apologies and promises to change . Flowers and jewelry and notes in my work locker . I very expensive blue topaz ring and a proposal that I turned down in which he started crying and falling on his knees . I knew it wasn’t real . It’s been a year since the break up . I have cut off all contact except he is one of my bosses at work so that is the only exception . I now pretend like he does not exist . Last week I found someone had slashed my tires in the parking lot at work . I do not want to believe it was it him but I know it probably was . I also received a call today from a blocked number . I missed the call and hopefully they do not try and contact me . I’m very much on edge lately and my PTSD is getting bad again .

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    1. Hi Starr, I would be on edge also. I am having a hard time getting anyone to understand my PTSD. Have you had any luck? I am thinking about getting a new therapist. I have taken HG’s advice about changing aspects of my life and they have helped but somedays the breakdowns knock me on my knees. Sorry you have to work with him. I can’t imagine that. Xx

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      1. Snow and Starr, I am sorry that y’all are left with residuals from your narcs. It isn’t fair that you have to keep carrying around the pain.
        It really is a shame that narcissism and PTSD are not well know. Everyone thinks if you take a pill you will be okay but it just isn’t true! It would be fabulous if they made a pill to forget your last relationship… but what other memories would you lose! I hope you ladies find the peace you deserve! <3

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      2. SW,
        What aren’t they understanding? PTSD has gotten much more prevalent becuz of War. I know people don’t realize sometimes that it comes from any trauma. Car accident, robbery, rape, abuse…etc.. Do you think they don’t understand triggers? Or your reactions? You know you don’t have to answer, I just wondered if I could help.

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      3. Snow, Starr, Dragoncreeper, and FrenchToast (I had to smile when I wrote all your names together😊),

        Yes, it is sad and a truth that trauma and PTSD is so misunderstood by many, including therapists, in which they can do more harm if they go in blindly. I have to confess, I had a hard time finding a therapist ( I am one) that understood my recent past relationship with narcicism and the trauma from it and the cumulative effects of those traumas over a lifetime. Further finding one on insurance that won’t cost me an arm or a leg. I both greatful and worried. Greatful as I can bring this understanding into my work, worried that so many will not find good therapists, teachers like HG, and support given its prevelence today. The other challenge of is finding affordable trauma informed care. Many therapists services are not covered by insurance that do this work and thus people go to whoever is on their nsurance plan. It’s a horrible cycle that needs more people making it Known and accessible!!!

        My fellow journey mates, warriors, you are paving the way for others. I wish you (and myself) continued healing and peace creased peace.

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      4. Thank you Indy I have not seen any therapist they are very expensive and I work a lot but it still isn’t enough to afford mental health services . I truly appreciate that . Are you a therapist in the U.S ? Maybe we live close . I have actually decided to go back to school and get my degree in psychology and use my traumatic experience to help others . Once I get the money and motivation up I’m going to start my new life and go to school .

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  4. He never seemed to bother me after a discard. Perhaps maybe because he knew I would contact him. He almost never has initiated contact. One of the reasons I often wonder if he will ever even bother trying to contact to me again. I was very confused why he would want to continue being friends if things were so bad, he even said he would continue to live with me. Of course, we ended up both moving and after he told me never to message again I haven’t heard a peep from him.

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    1. FM1T,
      I sincerely hope this is the case, but I will drizzle on your parade by saying that one of 6 narcs hoovered me for 29 years. Until I seen the beacon of hope, that I was actually afraid was a bug zapper. Turns out though it was a place filled with truth honesty and integrity. I butterflyed it over here to the cliffs of narcville and found the truth and was set free….HG took me to the butterfly enclosure to live out my days in a magical illusion of freedom. I think I was dreaming when I wrote this. Hope your narcman gives up, final answer. Why didn’t I just say that in the first place?

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  5. DC, thanks for your well wishes!!! I just woke up and saw the police paid you a visit. How are you feeling? Did you make it through the rest of the night without any trouble? I know HG explains to us why they keep coming back over and over and I can see it from their side why they do, but it’s so much!!!! I keep thinking they will stop, but everyone here and HG keeps showing me that it is til death😖😖You are soo strong. Hopefully today is quieter for you. ❤️❤️

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  6. Hi Starr,
    Shoot, I couldn’t afford it without insurance. I can’t afford my own services(I’m not on any insurance yet)…isn’t that messed up? (I pay a big chuck of what I earn to the group I work with and supervision).

    I am in the US. I currently do not see adults. I work with adolescents with trauma history and BPD signs to help prevent development of more signs. My other job is with kids with autism.

    Tip to find good therapists: search on the psychology today website, provider finder, and put in search terms for trauma experience and insurance options. DBT therapists are good to look into too for trauma work too. Many DBT therapists have trauma experience. Hope that helps some. Another good site is AMerican Psychology Association website and go into provider finder. You can search by state too!

    Yay!!!! We need more people In The field that have this experience!!! Don’t give up, it’s worth it if you have the love for the work (self discovery and helping others)!!!!!👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻😊

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    1. Hi Indy,
      As always, you are a wealth of information.
      I took notes from what you said and will look for a trauma therapist.
      I started out looking for a marriage counselor. It took awhile to get an appointment with her and by time the appointment came up I had just confessed to my affair and was starting to realize the mess I was getting my self out of. I had figured out my ex was a narcissist and tried to explain to her what I was feeling. She understands the brainwashing, mental abuse, and manipulation. But nothing like the knowledge and understanding that I get from HG. She doesn’t seem to be able to help me with the PTSD. My husband and I still see her for marriage counseling but I don’t know if I should find a new one. It’s such a long story!!!! And there are so many aspects to it. Thanks Indy ❤️❤️❤️

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      1. It can be hard to find a therapist that does all the things that are needed. If you trust your current therapist, you may ask her about her experience with PTSD and if could refer you to someone that does that type of work, if she doesn’t. A good therapist will refer out for things they do not do. If you felt you gave the therapy enough time and your gut feels like you need to check out other modes of therapy for yourself individually outside marriage counseling, I say follow your gut. Also, you can see both, one therapist for marriage if you are still working on that and it’s working, and one for you individually for PTSD.

        I will say this, it is rare to find someone that has HGs knowledge on narcicistic abuse in a therapist. I’m learning so much and so greatful.

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      2. Thank you Indy,
        I am going there this morning and I will ask her about her experience with PTSD. I am learning so much about therapy and the varieties out there. I have quite a bit of experience with everything related to disabilities but this is all new to me. I did read up on your DBT therapy and will look into that.
        I hate to think where I would be right now if I hadn’t found HG and his knowledge and this blog. I will be forever grateful HG.
        Lots of hugs for you Indy!! Xxxx❤️❤️❤️
        Thanks for your help

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      3. Hey SW, Good luck with your talk with your therapist! There are several types of therapy that can help with different stages of trauma and PTSD. DBT is a good start and there are also other good methods out there too. Some, like EMDR, are well known while others are lesser known but also possibly effective too. See resource below for more information on trauma treatment.

        http://psychcentral.com/lib/treatment-of-ptsd/

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      4. Hi Indy, I wanted to get back to you to tell you that you educated my therapist. Lol… I told her that my PTSD was getting worse and I needed some coping skills. She took notes from me and wrote down the types of therapy you told me about and the link you gave me. Thank you for the link❤️❤️
        She actually told me she was exhausted from hearing about the smear campaign against me and can’t imagine being me.
        I will continue to do my own research. I really don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t found this blog.
        This takes me back 15 years ago when I was trying to find the right support and therapy in the autism field. There wasn’t much support back then around here. I had to find it on my own.
        Hope you are doing ok!!! ❤️🍎❤️

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      5. Hi SW,

        I am so glad the information was useful and it sounds like your therapist was interested in learning and researching too. A good sign 🙂

        Good luck on this journey that we all are on. You are right, the search is oddly similar to finding services that work for kids on the spectrum as well. Back in the day, it was super hard to find. It still is for those in rural areas sadly. ….now it is super expensive (sad but true) or the wait lists are crazy long.

        Best to you! Love and healing~
        Indy

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  7. Hi Frenchtoast,
    Thanks for asking. I appreciate it. I will take any help I can get. My family and friends have had it with me. They had a hard time trying to understand when I was in the relationship what I was doing. Now that I’m out they want me to get over it. They can’t comprehend the triggers I have and my responses which I can’t control.
    I took the dog for a walk the other day and two dogs came out to the end of the driveway and barked at me.( I am not at all afraid of dogs) I was completely terrified because I had been startled by how loud they were and how they surprised me. I tried to remember that HG told me not to be afraid of these things but the breakdown came. Then I heard my activity walker announce the mile mark and that was it. I cried the whole way home and it kept me in bed the whole night. I was exhausted.
    I have plenty of trigger words and when heard they produce the same outcome.

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  8. Hi DC, I wish peace for you too❤️❤️❤️
    If I thought a pill would work I would take it. Lol… I was treated for depression a long time ago when my son was diagnosed with diabetes, epilepsy, and autism. 16 yrs ago. People don’t understand the difference.
    Depression is completely different and what I feel now with PTSD is like nothing I have ever experienced before. XXXxxx

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  9. I swear to God I will put up a restraining order if that son of a B**** contacts me ever again… 😉 He claimed I was the one who hurt HIM.. (after I left his apartment in a hurry the last time, when I accidentally happened to see he had been trying to pick up numerous women online, while trying to get me back….he was the one who was hurt by my leaving after that?? Isnt that rich? 😉 lol.) Great post HG. Do you reckon a narc would care about a restraining order or just carry on with hoovers and pretend like it’s raining? 😮
    Be well. 🙂

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    1. Thank you SN. The obedience of a restraining order will depend on a number of factors which are actually the subject of a forthcoming article, so in order to save my fingers, you will see the answers in that article.

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