Showing Restraint

 

Image result for picture of restraining order

 

In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

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14 thoughts on “Showing Restraint”

      1. You would. 🙂 i agree too….well everyone who has been on the receiving end of a narcissist…must read…everyone who might be on the receiving end too. So that means everyone. *wordy response*

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  1. Absolutely correct!!! They do NOT abide by that restraining order… figuratively speaking. Of course they will not break it foolishly. You will receive drive by’s at 3am in the morning just to see if someone is parked in your spot… if you do not come home they will lurk in the alleyway until you do to note the time… they will drive by at 11am to see if you are leaving with anyone… fake email addresses, fake google numbers texting you, calling you. Pleas of hurt, love lost, false lies to make you feel bad so you want to break that order. They try any means necessary… they are clever.

    I know it all, I have even broken it myself. It is tough, do not fall for it. Especially if you have an RO… there is obviously a reason you got it.

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  2. Do your kind not care about legal repercussions when it comes to manipulations ? Or are you fully aware of the consequences of the law and you just want to see how far you can take it ?

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    1. Lessers do not have any regard for them at all. Mid-Range will be wary of them and be caught between annoyance that such repercussions can apply to him when they ought not to and his desire to maintain being able to what he wants. The Greater does not believe the repercussions will apply because one, he is superior and two because he has the guile, charm and intellect to escape the consequences.

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  3. This seems very accurate. I believe my ex narcissist is mid-range. His methods are characterized by “Woe is me”, he is always a victim and he is also very big on silent treatments and lots of other passive aggressive methods of control. I am guessing he could never resist the urge to breach a restraining order, (boundaries make him very annoyed), but as you say, he has enough intelligence that he would do it in a manner that couldn’t get traced back to him. One of his favorite things has been writing letters and not signing them with his name… as to assume I should just know they are from him. After much consideration I have decided not to seek a restraining order, but instead work more on my own defenses so that I feel nothing if a hoover comes again… it is hard though! Thanks for this post, it was helpful! 🙂

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  4. Im off to get my Intervention Order tomorrow. Ive got so much on him with his stalking, bullying, intimidation, mail, messages, photos and demands….all AFTER I sent him a message to never contact me again! He says, in writing that the law can get f****d, and I will always ‘be his’, and sooo much more. Cant wait for the Judge to read all his BS!! Hope it knocks the wind out of his sails, even for a little while. Wish me luck?!

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    1. Ensure you present your evidence fuel free. His response to you demonstrates his sense of entitlement and the mind set concerning th fact you belong to him. Keep in mind the likely response to the order.

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      1. Thank you HG I will. He should have started receiving things in the mail himself by now. Incontinence pads, Nursing home brochures, Free hearing test info. You know the stuff. Got my game hat on now, thanks to you! 😉

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      2. Intervention Order granted!! Yay!! Now just have to wait to see if he contests it in court himself. If so, Trial. Cant see him wanting to put the cash out for Lawyers, so we shall just have to wait and see. Great Judge! Super Judge! Thank you Judge. 🙂

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