One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?
- You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
- It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
- The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
- It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.
Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.
Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.
“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”
“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”
“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”
“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”
The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.
Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.
Take for instance: –
“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”
“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”
More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.
“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”
“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”
Again, that is entirely conceivable.
“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”
“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”
Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.
We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.
Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.
“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”
(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)
“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”
(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)
“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”
(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)
“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”
(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)
“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”
(His family told me has been hurt before.)
“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”
(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)
“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”
(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)
“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”
(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)
Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.
How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?
The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.
Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.