Please Please Please

I want you to do your best. That is a noble intention is it not? I want you to try harder each day. I want you to aim high and strive to improve on what you achieved the previous day. Though exhaustion may be clouding your vision and that ache in your limbs reminds you of the strenuous ministrations that you have attended to, I know that you can push through it and do it more, better, faster and stronger. I believe in you. Those other imposters are mere charlatans. Am I not the one who has given you a perfect love? You need to keep that perfect love and earn it. Accordingly, each day I will pull it away from you. On a Monday it might be the case that I do not kiss you. I will not give you an explanation for this withholding as you must work it out. Once you have you need to work hard to recover my kiss. The next day I will not return the hug you always give me when we first get up. Rather than complaining hold your tongue and consider this all part of your on going education. If you want my perfect love to manifest through those warm, safe hugs that you relish then you must please me so that you may have them again.

You repeatedly comment to me that there has to be give and take in a relationship. I am doing exactly what you ask for. I take away in order to make you give more and then you will be rewarded. In order to avoid any complacency on your part you will find that the next time I withdraw from kissing you, your first response which reinstated my luscious embrace will not work a second time. No that would be far too easy. You need to ascertain what different act you must accomplish in order to secure my tender kisses. I know you will do it. Who would not in order to feel my mouth against yours and that soaring sensation inside as the relief floods through you, knowing that you have secured it return. Admit it, the potential loss of my affection at any time for any reason excites you. You do not want mediocrity. You want excitement. You want to feel like you are flying, soaring, bursting and spinning with delight. I am the only one who can supply that to you and thus you willingly engage with me in these games as I push you further and further, pulling back a little more each time so you wrack your brain and strain your sinews to find the answer once again. It would be wrong of me to say I only do this for your benefit. I do not. I do it wholly for mine since I need you to please me. You please me by being the puppet jerking on my strings, doing everything at my behest. The surge of power that I get from this control surpasses anything you might get from our relationship, but are we not both getting something from it, so where’s the harm in pleasing me?

33 thoughts on “Please Please Please

  1. Angel says:

    CC. It is hard for me to fathom a relationship like you described. I was raised by a narcissistic dad. Never had any good relationships. This is my first time ever seeing a narcissistic man. He’s 15 years older than me, he’s 50. I thought he’d have his crap together. He was religious and yada yada and that lured me in. He’s dragged me through he’ll and back. I know what he is and that I should leave, but I can’t. As weird as it sounds like I said I love the control. The sex is absolutely amazing, and i like when he takes complete control during sex makes me beg for what I want. He’s like a drug. When I’m not w him, I’m thinking about him. Then if I don’t go over w him cuz I’m busy he’ll ignore me for days. He’ll make me wait 2 weeks to see him. Then when I’m w him it’s out of this world. I literally yearn for him constantly. Just when I think I’m at a place to pull myself away, I’m drawn back in. Smh

  2. The Punisher says:

    It does excite me, HG.

  3. Indy says:

    Great question Lovie!

    Yeah, addiction for sure. Those trauma bonds in the brain are quite powerful. Plus, we were brainwashed….to not believe our own intuition(through gas lighting and emotional abuse). So, when our gut does say “leave”, our heart overrides it and the withdrawals are intense and kick in. Another thing is that it is one of the most dangerous times in this type of relationship, leaving. If they are of the Lesser variety, they may physically harm or worse.

    It takes great courage (and often great planning, with HG’s books) to leave and stay away and not repeat.

    1. Lovie says:

      I totally get it the addiction and the trauma bonding. I was feasted on for years by the Count. I went no contact for almost two years and actually became engaged to another man. According to Dickula’s friends and family, this threw him into depths of despair. Imagine! Some other man getting all of “his” Lovie’s delicious fuel! Of course at the time I mistook his despondency as a sign of him realizing too late that he loved me and was filled with regret. When my relationship with the other man didn’t work out, guess who was right there ready to play Prince Charming? He was a changed man, ready to show me how much he loved me Blah blah blah blah blah. It didn’t take long for me to figure out Prince Charming was really a soul sucking fiend. Still, I didn’t think he was really a narc and I KNEW he loved me, so that’s why I kept jumping through hoops. He had me so blinded, that I honestly thought he was crazily in love with me and would never let me walk out of his life and he was hurting me because he just didn’t understand what he was doing to me. If only I could find a way to make him see how much I was hurting, he would stop. I was his puppet for another 4 years. 4 years which has totally devastated my life in many ways. When I finally understood he KNEW what he was doing and didn’t care and he had totally devastated my life for NOTHING, I became disgusted with him and all the love I had for him was gone.

  4. Cara says:

    There has to be a give and take in any relationship. I do the taking because I’m good at it.

  5. Angel says:

    For me it’s because I don’t mind the control, I like it. He’s like a drug to me and the sex is amazing.

    1. Lovie says:

      So it’s basically mutual for you, is that accurate? You have no pretense of it being a “real” relationship and you are using him too? I get that.

    2. CC says:

      Angel, I think you pretty much summed it up right there. Everything is amazing when your tangled, and everything comes with a price, and until you are completely drained, or the rewards are no longer worth the price, as any addiction you remain controlled by your addiction.

      The thing is, as hard as it is to believe it can be even better than it is with your Narc. I didn’t think it was possible myself, but there is love and sex that does not have the wild chaotic intoxicating effects as it does with the Narc, but it has a whole other level of passion and good feelings you can’t even imagine. When you become whole within yourself and you match up with an individual who is whole as well, it’s hands down better than anything I ever experienced with my Narc. Healthy people and healthy individuals create space for each person in the partnership to self love and nurture and in return it creates both partners to love one another in balanced form. This kind of love encourages freedom, and inspires. Imagine a relationship where you can breathe and relax, where you can take comfort and trust. Imagine those times when you occasionally act in a passive aggressive manner because no one is perfect, and you and your partner are able to call each other out and or own up to it without guilt or shame or blame. Imagine being able to feel okay when he is okay AND when he is not okay, he knows your not responsible for his happiness, and he also knows he is not responsible for yours. I have to say, some may look from the outside and say it’s “boring”, however being from the inside of both, this kind of relationship is anything but boring, and it rips out all the false illusions of the once exciting relationship I thought I had.

      However, the addict will not kick his or her addiction until they come to terms with it, and want to finally kick it to the curb.

  6. Angel says:

    I hate when he withholds from me, but then when I get it back its amazing.

  7. Lovie says:

    I have a question for the people who continue to jump back on the crazy merry go round, after they realize they have been brutally and callously used. Why do you go back? I totally understand going back to someone you love if you think they have an issue and you are going to support and help them. I went back to Dickula many times because I (stupidly) thought he had various problems that we could work out (obviously, more stupidity) But the second I came to the realization of what he was, a creature who could never love me, who had no respect or value for me other than what I could do for him, someone who wouldn’t think twice about humiliating me with other women while having no regard for me whatsoever, the second I came to realize that, I felt violated and anything I felt for him disappeared. Admittedly, I had my moments at the beginning of this awakening, in which I doubted my strong feeling that he was a soul sucker; it’s very hard to conceive that a human being can be this vicious to another, who has shown them only love, so it is an internal struggle for a compassionate person to come to this realization. But other than financial reasons, why in the world would someone Knowlingly accept being treated as an appliance? Not criticizing anyone who has done or is currently doing this, just curious as to why.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The floor is open.

    2. alexis2015s says:

      I like your question Lovie. I think it possibly depends on your upbringing in some cases anywya.

      Repetition compulsion means that we’re destined to repeat the traumas of our past.

      No way would I go back. But I can understand others who do even when they know what they’re dealing with. That need to feel the pain ? Feed the addiction ?

      Same reason a smoker continues to smoke despite knowing the risk.

      I would not in any way let someone continue to put me down or erode my self esteem. On a sexual side however, I’d be up for that.

      I was seeing a somatic for a number of years. For me it was purely sexual. I knew he was a ‘bad boy’. -‘s I wasn’t in the slightest bit interested in that. I didn’t know what he was but I knew enough to realise people like him don’t change. But the sex was amazing and I’d happily go in for more of that.

      But he never effected me the way the MN did. I felt utterly destroyed by the MN. No way do I want any more.

      1. Lovie says:

        Makes sense Alexis. Yes, Dickula devastated my life as well, I feel your pain. It’s not the regular emotional pain that regular breakups cause, those hurt but shit happens, people break up and we get over it. The total life altering devastation these kinds of people bring to ones life is indescribable

    3. Love says:

      Hi Lovie. Great name btw 😉
      The hard part is you don’t just fall out of love with them once you realize what they are. The only reason I don’t run back is because my instinct is preventing me. If I could shut off my self preserving instinct, I would merrily go skipping back… With my heart out and ready to be torn to shreds yet again.
      I’m internally conflicted. Part of me yearns for him. I need to be controlled and enslaved. Then there is the other part, the part that tells you not to stick your hand in fire once you’ve been burnt.
      This part is a party pooper, but very strong. So far its winning.

      1. Lovie says:

        Thanks. You too. Good luck with the no contact. I have yearnings regarding Count Dickula as well. Yearnings to cause him pain and suffering, which I have the means to carry out. He should consider himself fortunate that I’m burdened with an inordinate amount of morality and a pesky angel on my shoulder always guilting me into doing the right thing. I’m about sick of that bitch.

        1. B says:

          I absolutely love your reply to this one Lovie! Those are my exact thoughts at this moment in time! Sure wish those pesky angels would take a hike sometimes!

    4. B says:

      Lovie, that is a very good question. I wish I had an answer for you. That is something that I am trying to find within. I will let know when that answer is found.

      1. Lovie says:

        Lol. In the past, whenever I have taped that little beeotch’s mouth shut and acted against my nature, I’ve had to live with my damned, nagging guilty conscience.

    5. Evan711 says:

      I never went back.. I tried as well, to fix what I thought was broken… I chalked up the terrible behavior as immaturity , childhood wounds, a rough marriage and divorce, and on and on. When the mask came off and I saw the monster erupting , I was horrified and never contemplated a relationship with him again… I still dabbled in trying to help him, to understand him, but with the help of this blog and researching all night long, I understood it was a losing battle… I let myself grieve for what I thought he was, I grieved for my own childhood wounds that allowed for me to be caught up with him in the first place, I grieved for a relationship that never was, and I moved on… The real battle was with myself, the empathetic heart and soul that does not want to give up on someone, my desire to help, my desire to nurture and heal….

      1. Lovie says:

        I feel very similar to you with the wanting to help. I too am very nurturing and will give my heart and soul to those whom I love , but once I realized that it was a game and that i had made so many sacrifices for our “relationship” only to be used….I wouldn’t piss on him if he were burning alive by the side of the road

    6. Ah Oh says:

      I went two months of no contact. I then reached out to see what he would do, mainly for my ego. He of course responded. We text talked and skyped for a total of 5.5 hours in a 24 hour period. One hr, 1.5 hr, and 3 hrs respectably. It was a mistake on my part. I have no desire of returning, although the conversation consisted of this possibility.
      I looked at him and did not find the attraction I once had. He seemed to have aged tremendously in just a few months.
      I felt emotions overwhelm me, but I kept it in check. It was not about this man at all. My actions had nothing to do with who he is or was to me.
      I realized how little he means to me. I realized he is but a flick of my finger. He is nothing at all that can fit in my world. He is a broken man whose looks are fading by the day because he has nothing in his heart for himself.
      He is not brilliant nor exciting, and I was always more than he ever was. I knew this always but my empathy side wanted to save someone, and so he was at the right place at the right time. I lowered myself to reach down to him to pull him up.
      I walked away from him; he reminded me of this. I saved myself from myself, and I needed to remind myself of this. Perhaps this is why I made the first move of contact. I needed a reminder of what I do not want.

      The best part was when he asked why I didn’t call on his birthday and he would have spent it with me had I just reached out to him. I told him I would remember it next year. NOT!

      NO CONTACT HAS COMMENCED, and there is no pain that accompanies the action.

      I am really F.R.E.E

      1. Way to go AH OH! That was brave of you to take that step but it is great to see that you are also over him!

    7. DGMB says:

      Lovie. Myself, once I leave I never go back. Never have. I haven’t left yet, numerous reasons, but when I do I won’t go back. When I’m done I’m done.

      I’ve always found Somatics highly entertaining playtoys, like Alexis mentioned. Haha. And I know what they are and it is what it is. But again like Alexis, I didn’t see the combo covert MN under the good guy mask. He got me. But when I finally decide to exit the game that will be it. Done.

      However, I have watched numerous friends jump in and out of the asshole relationship. For years. And from what I have noticed, is what they all seem to have in common is an unconscious addiction to the adrenaline and heightened anxiety state. Drama queens for lack of a better term, even if they aren’t bad people, they seem to always have some kind of drama goin on and if they don’t, they will create one. Those are the ones I believe are the funnest “fuel” for the narcs. Now, the insidious narcs can slowly make you cray cray and mold you into a drama queen, been there, but some people are just wired that way.

      Aint nobody got time for that shit.

      1. Lovie says:

        😂😂. Love it. Ours was a long distance thing and he would put on the mask when I came to see him. That made it so easy for him to hide.

  8. Starr says:

    Love feels better than power and control 🙂

  9. Incredible. The fact that life is a game which entails hurting others for personal gain has to be exhausting. At what point do your kind find themselves in the clutches of darkness? Daily? The recovering part is amazing. The person must try very hard to regain what they are “deserving of” since the Narcs believe they are so high and mighty and quite grand. It appears the Greater the Narc (more cerebral) the less touch they require? Is that correct? HG, I am a bit baffled at how this is considered by a narc to be a “perfect love” – is it because your victims tend to be weaker than you and thus the victim continually needs to prove to the narc that she is worthy?

    What happens when the narc “falls in love” and feels/knows that the master plan is not working. The woman they have toyed with or attempted to toy with, begins to turn the tables and play their game with them now being the bearer of the same treatment? How does that make them feel? Indifference. What a narcs reaction to indifference when they have been investing SO much time in attempting to devalue someone who doesn’t seek them out yet follows their every move?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If the appliance begins to turn the tables, first of all, this is rare. Most victims, during devaluation, have no idea what they are dealing with. Many do not know when they have escaped or been discarded and it is often not until much later (or having been ensnared by another) that knowledge and awareness starts to appear. If the victim starts to turn the tables then subject to the provision of fuel, either the devaluation is heightened or the victim will be discarded. If the victim is turning the tables post escape/discard and is playing the game when we start to hoover them, then the hoovers are likely to be ineffective and thus this victim becomes an unattractive fuel prospect so we turn to a different fuel source.
      If someone is indifferent to us during devaluation, this is a massive criticism and will ignite our fury in order to lash out at the victim so they stop being indifferent and give us fuel. If this ignited fury does not remove the indifference we will be forced to withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere.

  10. HG, how do you react when your IP doesn’t complain but gives you that extra special attention and entices you to give her what she wants? I do wonder how easily you are persuaded, you can be tough and dismissive all you want but even you have a weak spot… you all do.

    I am Lilith…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you give me what I want and need so you get something, I see no issue.

  11. Forgotten says:

    None at all 😉

    1. Sarah says:

      How HG sees it…

      How I see it…


      Forgotten, do tell, what is the difference?

  12. Snow White says:

    That was sooooo good HG! Perfect explanation of how that works. Once again it shows me your perspective and how you become more powerful each time it happens. She did the exact same thing to me and the bad thing is, at the time I could sense that she enjoyed it. I wanted her to know that it was mean and hurtful but you show us that’s not at all how you feel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you SW.

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