Dropping the Bomb


The dropping of the bomb is a common tactic of our kind. It is something that happens with regularity. It is an act of manipulation and one which you will recognise. Do any of these scenarios seem familiar?


The day before you are due to travel to the wedding of one of your childhood school friends, we cause an argument in order to avoid going, inventing some reason why this cannot happen. You are accused of not caring about us if you still wish to attend. You eventually end up not going, having to make some excuse as to why you cannot attend.


You are about to have a night out and we create some kind of emergency which delays you from going out or even prevents you from going. There is no emergency.


You have invited friends over for dinner. Shortly before their arrival we will create an almighty argument.


The night before an important interview we keep you awake all night, jabbing you with our elbow and insulting you so you are unable to sleep.


You are about to go away for a few days when we accuse you of having an affair, thus creating a scene, tension and upset.


Whilst the fact that we create arguments, cause confusion and generate drama is standard behaviour, when we engage in dropping the bomb, it is done at a time which is regarded, from your perspective, as a terrible time to do it. It coincides with something special or important happening which leaves the victim wondering why this always seems to happen when they are about to go somewhere or do something.

Dropping the bomb is an instinctive response by us to such situations. When something of importance is about to happen, we respond by creating a drama which appears to be designed to spoil the important or enjoyable event. There is no appears about it. It is a deliberate act. Why does this happen?

  1. Fuel. As you would expect, fuel is behind the dropping of the bomb. Causing upset and drama is always a near guaranteed method of gaining fuel but the dropping of the bomb is designed to heighten the fuel that will be provided. Just like the fact we build you up during seduction and then cast you down during the devaluation allows us to create a heightened contrast and thus maximise the potency of the fuel, by dropping the bomb at a time when you are expecting something pleasant to happen, or you are preparing for an important event, your response is going to be of a greater intensity. This increases the potency of the fuel. When you are looking forward to that wedding, excited about seeing people and enjoying the day, the dropping of the bomb means that your upset, annoyance and disappointment is more marked. We of course create drama even when nothing is happening, a quiet Sunday afternoon suddenly becomes a battlefield. That gains fuel. The dropping of the bomb however is a ticket to plentiful fuel as you react to having your excited anticipations shattered.
  2. Jealousy. Our almost ever present jealousy means that we cannot stand the fact that you are going to do something which you will enjoy and causes you to be put into the spotlight. Taking the example of the wedding above. Since it is your school friend, you are going to see people who know you well and may not know us particularly well. Attention will be on you which causes us to be jealous. If you have an interview for a promotion, we are jealous that you are succeeding, which in turns implies that we are not and therefore our jealousy rears its head. We cannot bear for you to be happy, excited or the focus of attention, unless it is to do with us. If your happiness if because you are anticipating a dinner party with your friends, that is nothing to do with us. In our minds, this suggests we are unimportant and inferior. We cannot allow that to be the case. Accordingly, our jealousy comes to the surface and this acts as the catalyst for us dropping the bomb.
  3. Control. By causing you to react through our dropping of the bomb we are able to remind ourselves that we have the control in the relationship. By causing you to decide not to go to the wedding because you feel obliged to remain at home with us, or you decide not to go and attend a friend’s engagement party because you are too upset allows us to exert control over you. We cause you to cancel your plans, alter your intentions and instead focus on us. This underlines that we are in control and assist in maintaining our notions of superiority and omnipotence.
  4. Anticipatory fear. Eventually you will recognise that a drama is always created before you are about to do something special or important. Of course, our victims do not realise the real reasons why this is, but insetad attribute it to selfish and spoiling behaviour, without understanding what is really behind it. What our victims do come to realise however is that since this happens each time you are looking forward to an event, they end up dreading what will happen when an event is on the horizon. Your birthday is coming up next week and you are just waiting for the eruption form us which happens every year. Will it be on the day, the night before or during the planned celebrations? You become anxious and nervous, treading on those well-known eggshells, looking to mollify us before matters get out of hand. Indeed, you often begin to adjust your own behaviour so that you decide it is just easier not to organise a birthday party, it is far less aggravation to turn down an invitation to go out rather than have to endure the drama which will inevitably come before you try to attend the dinner party at your friends and you make excuses so you avoid having to go to weddings, christenings and the like. Little by little, the dropping of the bomb causes you to fear the arrival of an event which is special or important to you, so that you alter your actions, reducing your interactions and slowly isolate yourself and allow us to tighten our grip on you. This process is insidious as you see friends less and less, family on fewer occasions and in turn you increase your exposure to us and our manipulations.
  5. Blame. This works in two ways. If you try to resist the effects of us dropping the bomb, so you decide you will still attend the wedding and even decide to go without us or you are going to host the dinner party still despite the fact we are storming about the house banging the doors as we go, we then accuse you of being selfish, self-centeed and not caring about what we want. A classic dose of projection. These accusations of selfishness are the opening up of a further front for the purposes of trying to draw further fuel, to create a scenario which can be used against you in the future ‘I was ill and you still went to the engagement party’ and to add a further attempt to wear you down so you give in and change your mind. It is also done to avoid blame. We will drop the bomb, kick up a fuss, create a scene and dole out the drama and if you eventually give up and announce that you will not go, but you accuse us of controlling us or trying to spoil things, we will exhibit our classic contradictory behaviour. We may well have spent an hour arguing with you, telling you that you should not go and that we need you stay at home, but once you have given, if you point the finger at us, you can expect to be told that we did not tell you what to do, we don’t control you and that you made up your own mind not to attend. This will amaze you that we can be so hypocritical and is not only going to draw further fuel from you, but it will allow us to do our usual avoidance of blame. This again supports our notion of superiority.
  6. Effectiveness. When we have dropped the bomb a few times, we can see how effective is against you in terms of affording us fuel, control and the erosion of your confidence. Accordingly, we know that it is well worth continuing to deploy this manipulation because it causes you such upset and hurt, as evidence by your reaction. We know you will provide fuel, we know you will alter your plans and therefore the more you respond to it, the more we will use it.

The dropping of the bomb is a frequently used manipulation in our relationship with you. In order to counter it, you should learn to

  1. Recognise what is;
  2. Recognise when it is about to be used;
  3. Not provide any fuel by not reacting to our sudden drama, argument or crisis;
  4. Do what you intended to do anyway. You may as well enjoy your event because we will cause a scene and make a fuss anyway;
  5. Do what you intended to do anyway and this sends a signal that the dropping of the bomb is not working, which like any of our manipulations, means that it will be used less.

20 thoughts on “Dropping the Bomb”

  1. Its amazing how you post something just as I am going through it. Your posts help tremendously. Thank you very much

  2. Wow this explains everything. I will never forget the first time he dropped the bomb. It didn’t take him long to use this technique either, within that first month of our relationship. It was this very thing that made me question who he really was. It was like this monster came out of him and roared it’s ugly face as it grabbed me by the throat. I was literally paralyzed by it. I never did understand why or how this happened and completely baffled by his lack of remorse. A very painful memory of him for sure.

  3. I’m pretty new to this blog but I’m very thankful that I found it. I’m going through a divorce and the knowledge I’ve found on this site has been a great comfort. My x or soon to be x is a narc and the pastor of a baptist church so the smear campaign is painful. I’ll be ordering some of your books.

  4. Mine also stopped me from going to work then told his family I was lazy-sleep deprivation was constant -so was food deprivation and being disgusted if I ate -so I was weak and tired all the time-then if I did do anything there was always revenge.he would break or burn something-steal and lose something precious and most of all go pick up another woman and have sex if I went to a meeting or anywhere.I lost my friends my family and my work.

    1. Hi Anna. I got that too! “Sleep in love, you need some rest love” he would say. So (sometimes) I’d sleep in on a Sunday till around 8-9 am. Now the story is that I NEVER got out of bed before 1-2 in the afternoon EVERY weekend!! BS!!! Then we went through the stage where he tried to get me to stop doing the housework. I am a spotless house keeper, so that didnt work. I can only imagine what THAT story would have been. All ammunition for the up coming smear campaign no doubt. All the while he just read and drank his beer. HE was the lazy ass! Grrrrrrr

    2. Why did you allow him to do that . Losing your job family,friends,sleep . I’m a fairly
      Calm person but that would make me lash out .You need to love yourself enough not to let other people being in control of your
      Life . Your life your decisions . Once is a mistake ,twice is a decision.

  5. They drop the bomb for Christmas and Birthdays. I can remember we needed a new kettle. I said Id go buy one, he said no, he will do it. (Hmm odd). A week later there was a HUGE tantrum, as always about nothing. (or so I thought). I came home from shopping to find a Birthday card AND the new kettle on the bench. RAGE kicked in as I didnt get to open the card quickly enough. Well? The kettle was my Birthday present, which was actually the NEXT day! The card said ‘I love you so much’. What??? A kettle for my Birthday??? I did however keep that damn kettle but the card went straight in the bin! Right where he could see it! Didnt feel much like celebrating my Birthday the following day. Id say the bomb worked. Wouldnt you?

      1. I know right KDay. I spat it!! Clearly thats why he wanted to be the one to buy it. Kill two birds with one stone kinda thing. FFS! Cheap as! Never did get a decent gift from him EVER!!

  6. Totally agree with you Lisa I m glad you told him about his cheap ass. Unacceptable ,I would have been upset too.

    1. KDay. Well….yes he was a cheap ass. Yes he was a lazy ass….but HE got a new laptop for HIS birthday…..so I guess that makes me….the dumb ass!! Ahhhh ya live and learn! 😏

      1. He was a lucky man!! It’s all part of the process ,hopefully you are with or will meet someone who appreciates you.

      2. Thanks KDay. Not in any rush to lose my freedom….Until I actually feel like Ive gained it back completely anyway. In the meantime, I will just keep reading…..just keep reading…..🤓

  7. Holidays, what a joy, 🙂 At least we have no kids and don’t live near family so I don’t really care about the holiday bomb. Now I just enjoy the first 3 weeks of December and plan on packing the tree away a week before Christmas, lol.


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