What do We Feel?

 

It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.

66 thoughts on “What do We Feel?

  1. michele Lynn barretta says:

    HG thank you for taking time to help surviors like myself get more insight. Could you tell me why a Narcissist would still stick around if I am offering very little if any supply. After the 8 years of manipulation and lies and then terrifying discard I would never be in love with this man again…and he knows that. However we still stay in contact as I do call him occasionally for a favor like fixing something on my house or other handyman tasks. I offer him nothing in return except friendly conversation. This has been going on a year. I am wondering why he hasnt just faded away. He knows I see right through him. He knows he made it so bad that he could never be significant in my life….. so why would he have any interest in helping me when I ask? I just want to have things naturally end. Any advice?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I assume from the brief information provided that you are the Former IPPS. You are now utilised in a shelf dynamic. You come on the narcissist´s radar, you must therefore be controlled, the narcissism selects the first assertion of control because the Hoover Execution Criteria are met and so you are hoovered and fuel is obtained.

  2. Matrioska says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    You keep repeating “our kind”, but your perspective (apparently shameless and even with a touch of pride) is abysmally distant from that of a covert narcissist, with whom everything is mediated by shame (and if a covert narcissist searches for information about their condition the first thing they will think after reading your post will be “naaa, that’s definitely not me”)

    Maybe time to introduce a little bit of differentiation within “your kind”? Not just based on IQ like you do now (there is no correlation between IQ and narcissism), but based on the different mind constructs.

  3. Vic says:

    H G, do you think sociopathy and Narcissism are spiritual problems, more than psychological?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, Vic.

  4. If a narcissist tells you he ruins the lives of everyone he touches and nobody will miss him when he’s gone. That he’ll not be remembered and he’s worthless. Is that just a manipulation to Garner fuel? I’ve been through all three phases with this person, more silent treatments than actual time spent together. Tried to be a friend but no matter how much information I had,I found I couldn’t try and help him AND save my own emotional health as well. Your blog finally gave me the leg up I needed to let go..Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is manipulation in order to seek fuel through sympathy or comfort. The comment of the Mid Ranger.

  5. Suzie says:

    Great writing.. This article made me really sad. I’ve read (somewhere) that Empaths and N’s actually started on the same life path that somehow diverged later on, due to different coping mechanisms (i.e.. becoming hyper vigilant/sensitive and creating false self)

  6. Scientific manipulation of the independent and dependent variables and the validity of the experiment is at question. Was consent obtained and the hypothesis clearly stated? What kind of research do your kind prefer? The answer appears obvious.

  7. HG I have read your post (really beautifully expressed) and following commentary and if I may use reduction now to illustrate: If we cut through all the categories and compartmentalisation, everything neatly in their boxes, where they get filed into various manageable parts, where control shapes comfort and a good nights sleep, all tidy now- everything in it’s place under control- got it covered, nothing can rise up and heavens forbid, come out of nowhere and shock the narcissist could it be considered that: seeking empaths is a buzz because it is the half, quarter, 33.33333 % of the missing emotions that the narcissist lacks?
    Also you speak of how that empty feeling (place) is avoided due to the feeling you interpret and paralysis or death of emotion, not a nice place for your kind- vulnerable, self analysed as weak, yet to feel power when using those freely given emotions from an empathic person, against them reflects deep envy, jealousy and the negative emotions you describe. The victims suffer from that same emptiness and vulnerability and feel an impending sense of gross vulnerability and become paralysed in a sense through consistent narcissistic abuse so how is it that your kind, do not correlate or adapt that feeling to us when the life energy is being drained and genuine physiological functions are at grave risk through those parts of us being exploited? Are your kind furious at us because we have such emotions that are your other half or missing percentage and your kind envy us so much that like many of the narcissists weapons, if you can’t have it, then nor should we?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello PRH, no we are not furious with you because you have emotions that we do not have, we regard those additional emotions as superfluous and a hindrance.

      1. No fury- that’s good HG. The emotions vs unnecessary emotions puzzled me today when reviewing the movie, Mr Brooks. In trying to evaluate his role toward his wife and daughter, I felt that it is the perfect double life and they played a role in (no one will be looking my way) as I present as the successful business man, husband, father. Clearly a psychopath in the way his addiction and high, alter ego dominated his being, except for the character really displayed such control to conceal his addiction but appeared to genuinely love his wife and daughter. Still thinking about the movie throughout the day and yes it is a movie but has opened up some intense thinking on my behalf. Care to add your take on it HG?

      2. Joanna says:

        Personally i regard emotions as being a hindrance but necessary for a sense of balance in life

  8. IveLostMyself says:

    I love your articles. And they are helping me a little at a time. I wish I understood though how the need for power through bombing and insults feel more powerful and exhilarating then say, the acceptance and love from someone who truly cares about you. Its sad to keep reading so much on this, and to see that narcissistic people are actually causing their own demise. They are losing what is real because they are too insecure.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you ILM. The reason is that because our usual targets are empathic individuals (owing to the heightened emotional output and the relevant traits which appeal to us) then causing those individuals to exhibit negative fuel is more challenging than having them show positive fuel and thus this gives us greater validation and a sense of power and superiority.

  9. All Done says:

    I’m absolutely in awe, of your honesty , and and if I didn’t know better, I would say you were my ex of 23 years.. text book ….scary , sad..I’m new to this blog.. it has helped me in way you will never know..(or just maybe you do) . Thank you for your honesty!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome All Done and welcome on board.

  10. Snow White says:

    Hi HG, do the doctors try and make you feel the emotions that you don’t? Is that one of the reasons that they wanted you to write this blog? To see what you would feel after hearing our stories and interacting with us?

    Would you say that your laugh is fake in some of the scenarios? My ex had a very dramatic laugh and sometimes not appropriate in particular settings. And overly used. I always thought there was something to it. I know that my sense of humor is not like everyone’s. I don’t always get the joke. I don’t feel like I need to laugh when it’s not funny to me. She would then call me dumb. Is it just another way for you to try and fit in so you aren’t hurt? (Critiqued)
    Btw I have heard your laugh and you have a beautiful and soothing laugh and voice.
    Thanks

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not so far they do not SW, but you are correct that part of the reason they wanted me to write this blog was to interact with those who would be my victims if we met in real-life but to engage with them in a manner whereby I am not seeking to behave as I usually would, but rather to discuss the whole dynamic so I gain appreciation and awareness. They do ask me what I feel every week as they ask how matters are progressing with my writing and the blog (I know they read it, how could they not, but I go along with the artifice).

      No my laugh is not fake but I may laugh when I do not find something funny just because that is what is required to gain fuel. I do have an excellent sense of humour.
      Thank you for your kind comments about my laugh and voice. I entirely agree!

  11. bloody_elemental says:

    I love the way you explained this.

    We are not dead inside – we are simply unwilling and largely incapable of, experiencing the world around us in the same way others do.

    That doesn`t make us bad. It makes us unique.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you BE.

    2. lovieland says:

      Not to be rude, but knowingly destroying other humans makes a person bad.

      1. bloody_elemental says:

        Not to be rude, but why on earth would you think that would matter to me?

        1. lovieland says:

          It would have never occurred to me that it would matter, had you not made a point of stating narcs weren’t bad.

          1. bloody_elemental says:

            All a matter of perspective.

            You say bad, I say effective.
            You say nasty, I say necessary.
            You say stop, I say go.
            You say no, I say yes.

            Keeping in mind my perspective is really the only one that matters.

      2. lovieland: I agree wholeheartedly.

      3. Erin Zimmerman says:

        Most mentally healthy people agree with you lovieland. I think we are seeing an example of bloody_elemental’s insecurities due to his narcissism or else he wouldn’t have gotten as offended as he did. Bloody_elemental, she’s right. What you are doing is wrong to others and you’re actually losing narcissistic supply since no one is agreeing with you. Oops.

  12. Curious says:

    One burning question – Nature or Nurture?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I like your style. I say nurture but I do see the force in being predisposed to what I am through nature with nurture “unlocking” what I am.

      1. Love says:

        This is so incredibly interesting to me. In regards to my narc family member, I sense a childlike vulnerability. Even though they are my elder, they fear abandonment and need continuous reassurement. I see the child within them, who never evolved. I am learning to give love and let them know I will always be there, without allowing them to consume my being.

      2. Curious says:

        Can you be locked back up (partially?) and the keys thrown away? What did the good doctor say? Can you tell us more about this Nurture? Kisses from fresh Fuel.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Why lock me up, is that wishful thinking? As to the nature element, this forms part of the books Little Boy Lost and MatriNarc which are in progress.

          1. A Victor says:

            I am super excited for these books, both of them! This article is amazing.

      3. Curious says:

        The one to be locked up is the “you” that was unlocked by Mother Nurture, of course. I’ve been combing your site for clues…It would seem the key to the other *you* lies in re-parenting yourself? You’re intelligent, surely that would be the ultimate life achievement? What’s more brilliant than *you* conquering “you”?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          But at what cost Curious?

      4. Curious says:

        The tirade by BE gave me a chuckle, I was merely returning a metaphor. HG, you must surely know that the *you* lurking behind your words is immensely more astute and omniscient, a self-perpetuating entity of endless positive Fuel, in a give-take context of your making, while you deconstruct the “you”, the one made by Mother Nurture. You vow revenge on MatriNarc – I hope it takes the form of the ultimate triumph of beating back all her efforts such that whom you were meant to be emerges, warts and all.

        1. Violetta says:

          Curious: That would be awesome, but I suspect it is unlikely. Parental narcs usually triumph on earth; they can’t give love, so they make sure their narc children can’t give it either. Meanwhile, their empath children can’t recognize the real thing and accept it, so they go around trying win over the very people who will re-victimize them.

          Of course, the parental narcs die like everybody else, but they can have the satisfaction of knowing they made a hash of everyone else’s lives too, and the damage they inflicted will live on long after they themselves are gone.

          And they can always use the Will to administer one last slap in the face. MatriNarc sounds like the kind of person who’d leave comparable amounts of nothing to both HG and his doormat empath sister, and the bulk of whatever estate there is would go to the neighbor’s Pomeranian. If the siblings are treated differently, it will only be in the hope of creating some post-mortem triangulation.

          Not everyone can make the resolution in Everclear’s “Father of Mine”:

          I will never be safe
          I will never be sane
          I will always be weird inside
          I will always be lame
          Now I’m a grown man
          With a child of my own
          And I swear I’m not going to let her know
          All the pain I have known

          Art Alexakis is an empath who had to go through a lot before he could reach that stage.

    2. AH OH says:

      They are not sure yet but it is leaning to the nurturing side. This is what I have read. I also consult with friends in the medical/mental field.
      Tonight I am going to sit with a biologist and if the opportunity arises I am going to ask him a few questions on this topic.

      1. bloody_elemental says:

        Much of the research I have read suggests that we become this way as a result of genetics and the environment in which we are raised.

        I can`t speak for anyone else, but I know for me, part is genetics (the strongest role models in my family are all on the spectrum in a big way) and part is the environment in which I was raised.

        My parents nurtured the ever-loving hell out of me in their own distinct ways (my mother being an empath). I didn’t care much for my mother’s brand of nurturing, though she did teach me how to respond “as expected” to certain people, situations and emotions.

        It is funny that term “locked up” was used, as I’ve been reading a lot about society’s fear of psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists and the like and many who think we should all be locked up (in the other sense of the phrase).

        I’ve seen a tremendous amount of research that not only showcases all the wonderful, beneficial traits people on the spectrum have, but that also points out very few psychopaths, sociopaths/narcissists are violent. In fact, Dr Robert Hare noted of the 300,000 psychopaths in Canada, a tiny fraction (maybe 15 to 20 per cent) are violent offenders.

        Still other research suggests most violent offenders aren’t on the spectrum at all, and if they are, they only exhibit a few of the lesser traits and not necessarily the more dangerous or malicious ones.

        Quite a few studies suggest it’s more likely those who rank highest on the spectrum, and those most likely to possess the Dark Triad – Machiavellianism (a manipulative attitude), narcissism (excessive self-love), and psychopathy (lack of empathy), are those running the corporations and governments, not the gun-toting back alley thugs, rapists, and murderers.

        So there. At least you can take comfort in knowing that while we may make you wish you were dead, most of us won’t actually kill you.

  13. MLA - Clarece says:

    Since your feelings reign in the negative arena with envy, jealousy, fury, etc., it’s as if you need to bring an IP to your level to see them proove their professed love to you. Silent treatments leading to creeping on your whereabouts, chasing you, begging for you. After you’ve played “nice” with the love illusion, it’s like a switch goes off saying my turn. You equate love with the perpetual chaotic chase wrapped in turmoil…leading to shame for you, punishment for them.
    I won’t belabor the early childhood attachment issues with a primary caregiver since those posts have remained in moderation. But, you constantly chased for your mother’s emotional approval of you and you recreate this scenario with your IP’s.

    1. MLA- I agree.

    2. Maria Jarett says:

      Can you please tell me what IP means?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Intimate Partner.

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Oh sure! It’s an abbreviation for Intimate Partner.

    3. Taryn says:

      HG,

      I can’t tell you what this information means to me. So much is clear now. It’s all beginning to make sense. I’ve never been able to understand where he’s coming from…why he acts the way he does…life and relationships, be they intimate, work, family, etc, from his point of view. Thanks to you, now I do know, or at least have a much clearer understanding. I, out of necessity, still live with my ex-boyfriend, who is a narcissistic sociopath. This information will help me navigate my relationship with him better, so I may avoid triggering his fury, which is considerable once he gets angry. He can be extremely cruel in those moments, and I hate it when he gets that way.

      I’ve read through multiple posts on your site already and will be reading a lot more. What you have given us, in choosing to share with us your nature, is invaluable and I cannot thank you enough.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Indeed and you are welcome.

  14. Love says:

    I used to envy your kind for lacking the ‘mushy’ emotions that my kind is riddled with. I have such an extreme dosage of the them that I used think of it as a curse. But now I see that I am blessed. I feel things with such an intensity, be it sadness or joy. In my opinion, the soft emotions are an outlet. They clear out the toxins and draw in the light.
    Luckyotter, your observation about narcs being extremely sensitive is interesting.
    Their inability to tap into the soft feelings may mean the toxins within them fester. They cannot clear out the darkness inside.

    1. Love, I absolutely LOVE this post/observation and completely agree. I feel like DN did show his soft side quite a few times and it was not an act. As soon as he did however the “toxins” would suck it back in and he would turn cold and use one of his “narc an isms” to pretend it never happened. Some narcs do feel they just don’t want to bc it makes them vulnerable and takes away their power…and that hurts more than anything!

  15. luckyotter says:

    Over time, I’ve become more aware that narcissists indeed have emotions, and very strong ones. Most are afraid to access the “soft” emotions due to fear of appearing too vulnerable (though some covert narcissists use those to manipulate and get fuel in the form of sympathy). In fact, I think most narcs are inwardly more sensitive than most, the sad thing is no one will ever know, including themselves. But they can and do feel, and I know you do too, HG. Thank you for this post. Sorry I’ve been gone so long but I just got busy with a bunch of other things. Good to catch up on a few of your well written posts.

    1. Laughing@u says:

      are you kidding?

      1. Maria Jarett says:

        I find every answer has a point. I have experienced so many reactions living with a narcissist that now I see that -inspite the N I llive with shows emotions only for animals- emotions are hidden deep inside him and he cannot express them because of fear . At least that is what I recognize.

  16. NoNarcs says:

    Thank you for this helpful information. This blog post is in line with your book, Jealousy and Joy, which I am reading now. I’ve read many of your books, and I have learned from them all, but Jealousy and Joy is hitting me to my core. You offer so much detailed information about what you experience, and what you feel or don’t feel, which is very enlightening for your reader and chilling at the same time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you NN, I appreciate you stating as such and i am pleased to find that you are finding what i write of such use.

  17. HG,
    Could you clarify please? You say you can only feel power. Power is not an emotion. Rage, which of course stems from feeling hurt or pain and jealously which feeling comes from sadness or hurt. Emotions are emoted. Feelings are internalized. So whether you are limited to only these feelings because of neither having them, being paralyzed or dead, don’t you agree that there is much more power in having all abilities of emotion and having the power to choose which one to bring out. Power from what you call fuel…really another’s emotional response to your choice of abuse or perfunctory pleasure giving, is really joy or happiness from dominating, controlling or manipulating another’s emotional response. Based on these theories of yours I recognize your feeling sadness or “lack of power” for when you have your emptiness exposed. It’s sad to see someone who cannot or has not learned to equate the correct feeling to the correct emotion. What are your thoughts?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is one interpretation. I do not agree that there is much more power in having all abilities of emotion because one cannot choose which one to bring out when empathic, the emotion is always there. One may exert some control over how it is exhibited but that is not always possible. If I had a wider range of emotions this would detract from the single-mindedness which I must exhibit in order to gather fuel, it will also hinder and slow me down because I would be concerned about how somebody would feel to what I had done, I would feel a need to check on people, care for people, feel guilt and so forth and all of this would make me less powerful.

      1. LivingTheGoodLife says:

        HG, in your growing understanding of yourself, as well as that of your readers, there’s something about what you say about your feelings that doesn’t make sense to me (even inside the known predictability of the make up of an N). Please bear with me as I try to explain and to help with that, I restate in this reply the decisive statements you made. In this blog article you talk about what you do/do not feel, and say you are beginning to understand why you feel the way you do.

        You say what you DO feel is fury from criticism, envy, jealousy, frustration in unsuccessful attempts at manipulation, hatred, and intense feeling of power in the application of fuel. You also say you DO NOT feel sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, or compassion.

        But of all these emotions, isn’t it true that you do, in fact, feel quite a bit of fear? You say that sometimes when you see others applauding a sports team and not you, you “feel the first prick of the wound” that “suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticizing me.” Does this statement mean you are afraid that you are not good enough and criticism points its finger straight at that fear? You also say that you feel a “sense of emptiness” which motivates you to seek power because “I feel like I am disappearing.” I should think that the feeling of disappearing must be quite frightful, and thus a significant motivator of desperate, albeit, well calculated moves to make yourself visible through any positive or negative attention. Although you don’t use the word fear to describe your actions or motivations, aren’t we really dancing around just that — the ultimate fear of being judged for who you are rather than what you do, and that, as you say would “crack my facade,” allowing others to judge you as deficient — a social outcast — that would lead to the most profound loneliness and depression, and with that, possibly little reason left to live? I’m not sure fuel feeds your fire, or if it actually puts it out. Think about it. Think hard, please.

        So, your feeling of power (and the acquisition of it) is pleasant and is the absolute ultimate for you — the power over others only to gain that which props you up. Why do you need propping? What, exactly, is broken that you need to prop up? Consider these fears: not being good enough, fear of rejection/abandonment, intensely low self-esteem in that you are unable to garner and fill these needs within yourself by yourself — as the rest of us do. Sure, the common parlance is “fuel,” but what we’re really talking about here is, I think, much simpler — it’s just a normal need for attention and validation (albeit massive). Those who are not Ns have found ways to garner attention through coping mechanisms that are socially acceptable, while your method is not. HG, I think you do feel fear and, possibly, a great deal of it. Please think before you answer.

        Additionally, you say power is a feeling. I don’t think those who are not Ns view power as an emotion, rather, it is a quality or ability to move X in a certain manner to obtain Y. I think you call what you are experiencing a feeling of power, but it is actually the feeling of the anticipation of the outcome of the application of power that is really the seed of things — eliminating the painful fear by whatever method you are choosing that moment. Power is not a feeling, it is a mental construct. Feelings, on the other hand, are a motivational state: the state of happiness, the state of loneliness that motivates us to seek others.

        This is what I have concluded you have said between the lines both here and in your other writings and you may not notice it yourself. Epiphanies are sometimes found between the lines. I wonder if the Good Doctors will someday present this to you, or perhaps already have and you have not reconciled with it? Yes, you are definitely walking towards something. What is your something?

  18. AH OH says:

    Insightful for me.
    Evolving for you.

    The best post in my perspective. I will end on this note.

  19. peaches36936 says:

    I am so happy (for you as I to read this (correctly?), HG…especially the last paragraph. (I think ;). Thanks for sharing yourself and all your hard work. The earth needs a strong, very smart person like you on her side. All the best to you.

  20. survivednarc says:

    I always wondered about this thing with empathy/compassion, in narcissists. Of course, I never saw much (genuine) empathy and compassion in my narcissist ex. What little he showed always rang false to me, in some way, like it was something he said just cause it was expected of him. At first, I think I “bought his act”, simply cause I had little to none experience of people lacking empathy. With time though, I discovered his shown empathy was all an act. Except, and I find this fascinating: When the narcissist would see animals who were ill treated/ in pain/starving, etc. Somehow that seemed to be the one thing that got to him. You could reply that it was an act too, of course.. and it *could* be, but I dont think it was. The narcissist seemed to get access to feelings that he might have had as a young boy, when seeing horrible scenes with animals occasionally some time flashig by on the tv screen. What I mean is, he would get the facial expression and reaction of a much younger person, at that moment. This is very hard to explain and I sometimes thought; wow, perhaps only doctors could explain what is really going on here!
    Regardless of what it was, I always found it a bit creepy that it seemed he could have compassion for suffering animals, all while he could hurt humans/me, to an insane degree…. just an observation. Great post! 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you SN and for your observations.

    2. malo says:

      Similar thing happened to me with my N. survivednarc. When I started to found out what he was (Thanks HG for your help! Your blog is liberating. I found almost all the answers I sought, in here!) the only thing that didn’t “fit” was his compassion for little children (under 5 or 6 years old)….! Peculiar!!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome Malo.

  21. Santefe says:

    Again thank you for your blog; really excellent source of learning, life saving even. As it pertains to “feeling”, do you feel death? How does the death of a love one effect you? Do you feel the fear of aging? Illness?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Santee, thank you. The death of a loved one only has an impact in terms of the loss of fuel. also see this article
      https://narcsite.com/2016/07/01/death/
      with regard to aging, i have no concerns in that regard, my powers will be retained and I am securing my legacy. Please also see this article
      https://narcsite.com/2016/09/04/no-time-for-time/

      1. Miguelsilanes says:

        How many positive posts on your articles do you have to read daily to feel powered HG? Do you feel enshrined by this website As part of your narcissism?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          None, Miguelsilanes, I gain my empowering fuel in my private life, not here.

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