There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.

I would start first thing in the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.

“Ah,it is awake,” I would  smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.

“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.

“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.

“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”

“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”

“No I don’t.”

“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”

“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.

“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”

“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”

Lesley would try to ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.

“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”

Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.

“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”

“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”

“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”

She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,

“Is it busy?”

“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”

“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.

By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,

“I am going out now. I will see you later.”

The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.

“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.

“I will. Bye Karen.”

I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.

Learn more about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Knowledge is power.





20 thoughts on “It

  1. Just me says:

    Poor girl, heartbreaking.

    1. Love says:

      Just Me, read Elated and Eroded. It will completely change your perception of her.

  2. nikitalondon says:

    This is one of the most cruel and inhumane stories HG of the whole blog. its painful to read.

  3. pulling the wool over your own eyes says:

    Thank you for the story. I heard Gollum’s voice.

    I have read many of your articles but none on your past. I am quite interested in your reflections of your upbringing. What experiences did you feel reinforced your personality traits.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Wool, interesting that you heard Gollum. You will find some of my articles do touch on my past and in particular you will get additional material on my past in the Confessions books and those which have alliterative titles.
      In terms of the experiences which reinforced my personality traits, this is what I have been exploring with the good doctors and it is what will form the basis of two books which are works in progress – Little Boy Lost and MatriNarc.

  4. forgotten says:

    I recall something now…once when I went to Australia in the grocery story there was a guy joking with some girl just like that… I thought to myself “what a weird sense of humor these Aussies got”….

  5. Hope says:

    Am curious about something, Mr. Tudor. I remember you’ve said many times you prefer empaths, or empathic ladies. Since “it” was so horribly cruel to your brother that time, I don’t see her as being an empath. Did you make a well-deserved exception in her case?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Hope, well identified. She had empathic traits but I doubt you would call her an empath. An exception was made. He fuel was still rather good when the coup de grace was applied. As ever the end justified the means.

      1. Love says:

        I agree with Hope. She is not one of us. My goodness, I’m still stuck on the bar scene in the book. What a dreadful woman. I felt your brother’s pain and humiliation. Lennox sounds like a beautiful soul. I hope he is happy now and has found a good woman who truly loves him as he deserves.

  6. AH OH says:

    Really? IT? Such mind games. So like a little boy on the playground.

  7. Narc Magnet says:

    If a narc was referred to in a similar way, i.e., by being called “it” in an emotionless tone, would that be perceived as criticism and thus cause a rage response?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Oh yes.

  8. The Punisher says:

    Hey I know this game..except my ex would replace the word you with moo to make me feel fat.

  9. Snow White says:

    How long were you with Lesley before you called her that?
    I would have cried just like that. That shows me how my eye rolls and sighs encouraged my ex to continue the game. It really was “fun” to her. You are so aware of everything about us. All our mannerisms, emotions, and responses.
    So first we have pet names to make us feel special then comes “It”. And then a completely different name on purpose.

    A big eye roll and sigh. Smh.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      About 2 months SW.

  10. Love says:

    How had she disappointed/failed you to receive such a punishment?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Read Elated and Eroded, Love, the answer is in there.

  11. NoNarcs says:

    I don’t condone your behavior, but perhaps if the N in my life referred to me as an “it” I would have caught on to his game sooner. But I suppose you all use the tactics that suit your needs best and which yield the most satisfying results. Since I was with the N for years, he had all the tricks he needed.

  12. Sail Away says:

    My guy was clever like you.

    He once purchased an item of jewelry for me. I suspected he’d given others jewelry as well. I reminded him during devaluing “I wear that necklace all the time.” But i said the wrong item. To see if he would catch it. He did not. “You look great in that,” he said.

    Thinking I had caught him I exclaimed, “But you didn’t buy me a necklace! You don’t even remember which jewelry you gave me! You gave me earrings!”

    Without missing a beat he said, “Yes I do. You’re the one with the earrings.”

    In one sentence he acknowledged his “mistake” and admitted to his infidelity and purchasing other women gifts, without even doing so. Yet the exchange still made me smile and love him.

    “It” is terrible. You must have really hooked her before for her to deal with that.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I like that exchange SA, thanks for sharing it.

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