Here He Comes Again
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Words reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
13 thoughts on “Here He Comes Again”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG I’m interested, a ‘normal’ person, you turn them down a few times an they leave you to it. I don’t know, but I imagine their ego somewhat dented.
It’s been close to three years now that I went NC. There has been a few grand hoovers, this being the fourth I think ?
Does his ego not get dented ? Admittedly I play him and I do it well hahaha, suck him in think he is going to suck me in, then I’m off. I think it’s all over but he still comes back for more. Keeps trying ? And it matters not how nasty I am ? Ans nasty in a no fuel for him kind of way. ? Does his ego not get dented ? How long before he actually turns nasty ?
It depends Alexis.
If you are dealing with a Greater, each time there is a Hoover Trigger, the previous failure to gain fuel and/or wounding just makes the Greater all the more determined to succeed. It is game on. The ego will be dented by the refusal but fuel is obtained from another source instead and as a consequence the wound heals and the Greater will come back wanting to prove a point.
The Mid-Range would be very wary of doing it again because of the wounding effect, once bitten twice shy and the Lesser probably would not have the energy levels to keep doing it.
The nastiness will come about from the Greater. If he realises that he cannot gain fuel from benign FUHs, then the gloves are off and it is malign FUH time. This will happen after around half a dozen benign FUHs.
As always HG. you’re wonderful !!!
Okay, so mine is definitely a greater then as he keeps coming back (only just though, my recent experience tells me, he is no match at all for the one I’ve recently encountered).
Well thank you for your advice re how long this could continue. I’m going to have to change my strategy a little now to ensure it does not turn malign. But if it does……..oh I have a plan. which he has pretty much set up all by himself, I need not do much at all really, virtually nothing, just pull out the last stick in a game of kerplunk.
I’m addicted to this now and can’t get off the train hahahaha. And the odd thing is, I have never ever set out to get revenge. It was not on my agenda at all, it was all about self preservation and being able to continue to go to this watering hole which I love.
I have no feelings whatsoever either way and I’m not actively calculating anything, it’s just the way its working out. And my sucking him in, is just part and parcel of my own facade to keep going to the watering hole. I certainly put minimal effort into it, I don’t need to, I know how to preserve my energies and waste his hahaha. which may also to a greater or lesser degree, be saving some other poor person from being targeted, at least as intensly.
But in doing so, I cannot deny I’m having fun !!! I can easily find another watering hole and I’m ready to if that should ever be required.
I have bigger fish to fry now loooooool
Just to be clear though, I do still very much have a conscience, it is just saved only for those who also have one.
So much is written about the inevitability of the Hoover and about the hoover itself. But your last sentence..’we can now strike and finish the hoover..’ What does happen once the hoover has been finished? I would appreciate your perspective..
We gain fuel echo and/or we bring you back into the Formal Relationship – it depends on the nature of the hoover and our intentions.
Thanks for this…
And so is a successful Hoover something you are likely to want to repeat again over time ? Is this what you mean when you say that a narcissist never ends a relationship? Or would the sense of accomplishment be enough to make you feel satisfied and perhaps lose interest ? After all there is no drama in getting what you want 🙂
You are welcome. Yes, if we know we can get fuel easily from you, this lowers the bar on the hoover execution criteria. The sense of accomplishment would not diminish the desire. The drama is in your reaction, that is where the fuel resides Echo.
This post is a very good reminder and helps with keeping up my motivation, for No Contact. I just really feel that I so do not at all want to give the N any more (smug) satisfaction from my attention/frustration/love, etc. You know HG, in the end I truly felt like…how do i explain it, well, the best description is that I felt like an oyster who had been emptied of its content with such force (by the starving N who sucked out all the content), that the shell began to crack! 🙂
I know he always tends to come back to me for fuel, since he tires very easily of the others. But is there something, anything, that I could do to make myself/my fuel, truly boring, in his eyes, you think? (Except upholding No Contact).
I would just like it to get to the point where I can feel safe that he will have tired of hoovering me. Thanks for the motivating post here! 🙂 🌸🌻👍⚘
Thank you SN and a good description concerning the oyster.
HG, how do I get rid of my narc completely and end it?
Hello AP. You go no contact (if that is possible) and if not you minimise contact and reduce the provision of fuel so that your narcissist will move on to other sources and leaves you alone. In order to effect these steps you ought to prepare for it, read, understand and thus you will give yourself the best possible chance of going no contact and escaping. To that end, I recommend you read, as a minimum, Departure Imminent, Fuel, Sitting Target, Escape, No Contact, Black Hole and Exorcism. You will then have the information and understanding to assist you.
https://youtu.be/T845imwgsSg
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