I Cannot Love You More

i-cannot-love-you-more

I have always adored you. It is true. You did not realise it. How could you? I kept my adoration confined to something distant and something remote, always living in hope that one day I would be able to pour my adoration all over you. How long has this condition lasted for? I would suggest over ten years. Yes, that long. It was when you first joined the company. We worked in separate departments but I saw you arrive one day and from that moment I felt this adoration for you. It was strong and powerful and flowed from deep inside of me. I knew in an instant what it was and I just knew that I had to provide it to you. I had no idea when that opportunity might arise, when I might be in a position to furnish you with this potent and unending adoration. You did not know this but I managed to copy your photograph off the company website and I would lie on my bed or sit in a chair and stare at your picture wondering when I would be able to provide you with what you deserve. I contemplated listening to you lying beside me and whispering my name, the sensation of your hand in mine, the delight in sharing experiences. This adoration has remained, churning and growing inside of me. I have sustained it and nurture it for all this time. That surely shows just how powerful it is and just how special you are to me. Yes, I know you had no idea. How could you? I kept it to myself as I wanted to save it all for you. Of course there have been others during those ten years but they were just practice for when I would be able to provide that adoration for you. I was fond of those supposedly significant others but let’s not you nor I delude ourselves; they came nowhere close to evoking the adoration that I have for you. I was not surprised. I understood that from the instant I laid eyes on you that you were the one. I could not make my move though until I had tested myself. You see, I had been let down so many times before. I thought I knew and understood what true adoration was. I had been deceived by imposters and found that they promised much yet delivered so little. I did not doubt you but I had to be sure. Accordingly, I kept my distance, adoring you from afar and pushing my resistance. Each day that passed where I denied myself the chance to give you my adoration was another day where I tested whether that adoration would remain intact and it was. I came through the test. I asked many questions of myself and I found that I was not wanting. This time was the reality. This was true and honest adoration, nothing more and nothing less. I realised as the months became years that the longer I waited the surer I would become and moreover, like a grand whisky maturing, the longer I waited then the more powerful this adoration would be. I understood that to allow this adoration to grow and build, to test it, to determine whether it had any boundaries and shortcomings would ultimately mean that I would be able to dispense adoration like nobody else could ever do so. I could give you what you deserved and in return you would provide me with what I wanted and needed.

This may seem strange but there almost came a point when I thought that perhaps I would never provide this adoration for you. I wondered and considered whether I would be better served by keeping it within myself. Locking my adoration away as I always wondered whether it would come undone after another day of waiting and testing, but then I realised that since I adored you so, I could no longer keep this adoration hidden. What person would I be if I did not provide you with the very thing which you deserved? I would be failing both you and I. Thus, that is why I made my move. There was nothing distinct which triggered this need to make my approach and provide you with this adoration. There was no catalyst other than the realisation that the time had come. There was nothing more to be gained in keeping this adoration confined to myself. I had to release it and lay it on you. I had to pour it over you, spilling over you and coating you. I needed to provide this most perfect adoration and allow you to bask in it, delight in and know that this is what I will also provide to you. How can that now be the case? I have waited so long to give this to you that there can be no outcome other than this permanent state of adoration which will allow us to become one and preserve that state of affairs forever. Ten years may seem like a long time but it is but a blink of the eye when compared to the infinite adoration I will give you and that shall keep us together. We shall not crumble, we shall not fall. I promise you this, just as promised the same to her last month and her the month before that and her the same last year.

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85 thoughts on “I Cannot Love You More”

  1. I like to sit on the floor on carpets and pillows. Too short for those tall pedestals. Can only go up from there 🙂 I do know that feeling, though. It is a rush. Lots of dopamine!

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  2. I do not seek your adoration. I know you are unable to love me … At least in the conventional sense. I’ve selected you because I see you for what you are. You are familiar. You will not make me uncomfortable by giving me true intimacy, kindness, and real emotions. You are void of it all. That is how I want you to be. Your over-exaggerated actions during the golden period are unnecessary. Lets fast forward. Take off your mask. The frivolities are for others. Let me be me and you be you. We both have our roles set. So please, lets not waste any more time.

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  3. He practically drilled it into my head everyday, how much he loved me and how special I was to him. He was
    in love with me since we were 15 and now God was bringing us together, it was fate, he knew I was his soul mate. He would look up at the stars on many nights and wonder if I was looking up at the same moon and stars, and if I saw the glimmer and life that he first saw when he looked into my eyes as a young boy… Excuse me while I vomit..
    He had never loved another woman as much as me and he was going to spend the rest of his life showing me.
    Never forget how much I love you, please no matter what happens, just know that I will love you forever my angel.
    Over and over and over again. Some days it became annoying, like I get it, you love me lol.
    Some of the stuff he said was so ridiculous and over the top but I accepted it because I had never been loved so intensely.
    Looking back I was gullible..
    Well, actually he was one of those super nice guys (that I didn’t want) when we were 15 and even tried serenading me, it took all I had not to laugh in his face.. Who wants that at 15?
    So I just accepted that he was a major romantic “nice” guy.
    Was I ever so wrong!
    Perhaps this was pay back for rejecting him at 15?

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    1. I haven’t spoken to him since Oct 17th. This is the longest I have gone since this all began in May. Some days I’m fine but today I want to message him and tell him how much I love him. It’s so hard. I know it was all bullshit but I still feel like I love him and want him. Why? Wtf is wrong with me.
      I know he’s a liar and at times I don’t care. I just want him.

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      1. There is nothing wrong with you, it is the engineered emotional infection and it takes time and effort to overcome it, process it out and move forward. Keep reading here to remind you of the reality and also read A Delinquent Mind and Exorcism.

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      2. Reality being the key word.
        I’m reading Chained now, it’s very good.
        Although, I’m really looking forward to Exorcism. It should be arriving today.
        Thank you again HG, I appreciate you more than you know.

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      3. Empath23, I would be feeling just like you… Probably even more. You’ve known him since 15? Wow. I would have fallen for his words hook line and sinker. They sound so romantic! Who doesn’t want to dance on clouds?

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      4. Thanks Love,
        I knew him briefly at that age, we went our separate ways, then reconnected a few years ago. I didn’t land on his radar until early this year. You have no idea, he’s really an amazing writer, not quite as talented as HG but some of the things he wrote were unbelievably beautiful. Hallmark could learn a few things from him. I suspected I wasn’t the first person to read his writings or the last.
        I wouldn’t be surprised if he had someone in every state or country for that matter.
        Like an addiction, I fight with myself everyday not to contact him but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
        After the last discard, I told him he would never hear from me again. I know he laughed when he read that, but
        I have too much pride to chase him, even though I obsess over it and want to more than anything. I’m not used to the feeling of rejection, especially to this degree. It fucking sucks.

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      5. Hugs Empath. I know how hard it is to remain no contact but you are strong. You can do it. Plus you have to be silent to gain the satisfaction of having him come groveling back. He will.
        Now I understand that No Contact was actually for me. Its a growing experience. You learn so much about yourself and you begin to replay your relationship. Not just the happy moments, but all of it. The curtain is lifted and you see them for who they are. Mr. Tudor was instrumental in my healing. His books and blogs are brilliant.

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      6. Some days are harder than others that’s for sure. None of my closest friends understand. They tell me he is crazy and that I just need to get over it. One even suggested I go to therapy. They don’t realize that it was like being brain washed or programmed. The first and second time with him, the golden periods lasted 6-8 weeks before he became distant and withdrawn. So I’m expecting him to contact me in a few more weeks, IF his new targets/wife etc. become fed up (he really has his hands full lol.) It has been a growing experience and a huge catalyst for self reflection. It makes me shudder to think that I almost left my husband of ten years, put my children through unnecessary drama, and took on four step-children to be with him!
        That was the plan at least. Looking back, it was all a game (fuel) to him, to have the satisfaction of knowing he could orchestrate all of this.This could have ended so much worse, so for that I am thankful.
        Yes, Mr. Tudor is definitely brilliant! Even though it’s painful, I’m learning a great deal and will continue.
        Much love to you and everyone else who is on this journey! XO

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      7. Thank you Empath.
        If only it was that simple to ‘just get over it’.
        Lots of love to you too! 💜❤💜

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  4. Wow. I like a little sweet on my cake, but if youre choking on frosting that thick, surely the red flag has been waved and you are conciously signing a contract to work the carnival concession solely for all the spun candy, games, and rides you can stand.

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  5. NA, it’s somewhat dangerous for me to comment so maybe HG can proffer if I am correct or not, but it doesn’t exactly work like that for a primary source like Love – they have been together for a while and what she said was sweet and well-written from that lense – no one generally goes into abuses with a Narc w/o a golden period of some sort – there are other positions too but it’s a little different for a primary for sure

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      1. How did Sarah know before you love? She must have had a vision of love…no pun intended. Glad you found out. I’ll get the net ready to catch you when you are knocked off the pedestal. 1Jaded1, was this in the cards?

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      2. Doubting Thomas was not a believer. Your real IP is yourself. They all believe they are the IP, not knowing that it’s a one sided “partnership”. You cast doubt to throw them off. You doubt their performance as IP. You start off believing they are the one and then the doubt grows….I probably should have used the name HG instead of Thomas. My fault, I know to the rack…..

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      3. Now that I’ve been given the tiara, I’m not handing it back. I’m going to be your IP forever and ever and ever.

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      4. Figuratively speaking I think HG’s primary source has to be “LOVE”… this is something he doesn’t feel and needs the fuel that all of these lovelies have to offer! 😀

        See it is an all over win win situation.

        I think people are really on edge and grouchy today… can all females come with me, you all are going to have a little of what I am having… the kitty cat fights have to stop! Don’t make me break out my whip and make all of you beg for forgiveness!

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      5. Lol… In general we should all get along and have fun! Oh let me take out my whip…this will be fun but you are going to have to administer the fun too!!!! 😀

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    1. The response was to HGs post. I meant no disrespect to LOVE or anyone else for that matter. I can see how it can work slowly and insidiously, but i think we all have a responsibility to see (especially those bitten more than once) that it is a concious choice when it is spun in such fantastical fashion. That we are not victims but making the choice to enter and remain at our own risk. What I read here indicates intelligent women. My feeling is that when we fall for a story like that we are lacking and they are delivering. We are accepting at risk because of the great reward of the golden period. We are not so much duped- we know it is too good to be true, but we are desperately accepting our “fuel”. I have said previously that no one can treat you badly unless you allow it and i have certainly allowed it. But it is definitely MY choice when I do. When you accept you are not a victim but a participant.

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      1. Well im sure HG and his brethren claim to own the term fuel, but i was referring to whatever is our equivalent to that. Where HG refers to a person saying he has beautiful full lips as a dollop of fuel, i would call that a compliment. Where he refers to goading us into a heated exchange as an outpouring of fuel, i consider that recognition and my portion of that exchange satisfaction. We can quibble about monikers but what it comes down to is what we get from it. They call it fuel and im not sure we have named what we get out of interacting with their kind but i balk at the word love ( the concept, not the participant here named LOVE lol). It is too abstract a concept. It seems presumptuous for any of us to be able to define that, as it is different things to each of us. Maybe what HG and his brethren refer to as fuel feels exactly like what we term love and seek constantly to fulfill us. Who are we to claim to know what fulfills another person? It appears that we have not locked down the meaning of love for ourselves if we are here discussing how we were so empty we fell for their false and over the top charm and find it hard to hard to get them out of our heads and hearts. Surely if we knew the meaning we would be able to devalue and discard them as they do us. We are searching for a Unicorn but something else with horns is finding us first.

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      1. OOOOH I get it now. DC.
        LOVE,
        A carebear is someone who cares. It is someone who you click with. It is someone that you can tell your secrets. Everyone should have a carebear.

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      2. DC, I love your words! What happened to having fun? I don’t understand all the kitty cat fights. Can’t we all just get along? Who is Carebear?
        And you are absolutely correct, Mr. Tudor’s IP is L-O L-O L-O L-O-V-E.
        Mr. Tudor, thank you for not denying it ❤

        https://youtu.be/a41s4IMyamQ

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      1. OK, I guess he is disbanding his ten wives club. I was the top bitch too. I have been de-throne by LOVE.

        Hehe, a little play on words.

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  6. I know what he is but havent told him I know. I accept him for what and who he is. I accept him for what he does. Sometimes it’s hard when he ignores me but I’m right there waiting and always will be. I know he doesn’t do love in the sense that I do but I still love him none the less. I am perfectly happy existing the way we do. I don’t wanna walk away from him. I will not be the same as the others. I have no problem giving him what he needs as long as I get what I need. Its a win win.

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    1. Angel, I can absolutely relate to your feelings.

      You are an adult and now know who you are dealing with, if he is what you choose then stand strong and be happy! 🙂 <3

      I would have stayed with my exN too but he pushed my physical thresh-hold… it would have ended up either him or me and I chose me.

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  7. HG I am surprised that no one noticed maddie changed the name she was using, I saw it immediately, is this a common occurrence that people dont notice fine details like this?
    Maybe I was just assuming more see things the same way I do, due to theor interactions.
    I dont mean to offend anyone or make them uncomfortable, if I have I do apologize. I dont usually come out like this. I am working on a few things I know are different from others and this is something I have wondered about for a long time.

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    1. DFA, I wouldn’t have noticed because I do not have an account on this blog nor do I know her email address to know its the same person just different names. The only clue I would have had is the shape and color of the icon next to the name – if it stayed the same. My skill at matching shapes at such a detail level is not that advanced.

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  8. Dragon, I know that I want him and only him. He’s the only one I want touching me. My only complaint is that I haven’t seen him as much these past couple of weeks as I usually do. I told him this can’t happen again. How did he push your physical threshold?

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  9. If You dear G. wanted try at least try … YOU ARE capable of changing the whole dedinition of a narcissist!YOU ARE! I challenge You ❤

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      1. AH OH I’m afraid is the other way around (the nightmare ) 😉 You’ve been looking and checking on me… not other way around 😂😂😂😂😂😂 If I was a narcissist that would satisfy me 😂

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      2. I am not sure of the reference of this post. Maddie. Please elaborate.
        I believe a couple of the bloggers were checking on you.
        I do not think you are a Narc. Why do you have this crazy idea? I believe you are a Empath to the nth degree.

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    1. DFA, I see it as such:
      I am a gazelle who has joined a herd of gazelles. All are beautiful with their own distinct markings. Each has a story of run-ins with predators. Some have deep scars that show proof. I learn and listen to these stories. Far ahead is a lion who sits and waits. He is not hungry, so for now we have peace. I am captivated by him. I want to know everything about him because he is so different from my kind. I watch him as he watches us. I have memorized everything about him yet I do not know the intricate details of my own herd. I am sure he has memorized the unique characteristics of each of us. After all, he is the predator – that is what they do.
      I’m curious DFA, how do you observe? Are you within the herd, noting all that occurs within and outside the group? Are you a 3rd entity, sitting and watching the interaction of the predator and prey?

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  10. Love HG is unique among his own kind, I have spent my entire life living with them and never have I “seen” anything like him.

    Observation was reenforced, silence was a must. A conditioning I am working on overcoming. Yet here noone tells me I imagine it all when I do speak.

    HG, he is the one that that actually convenced me what I have always knew to be true. He is the reason why I stayed.

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