It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast. It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.

I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure. Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it. Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes form day to day and from hour to hour. But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried. You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own. It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you. You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all. What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale. Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.

15 thoughts on “Down

  1. Matilda says:

    I can see this from your perspective, HG. You are inviting her into your life, and all you ask for is endless amount of precious adoration and affirmation: immediately, whenever and wherever. You are willing to return the favour as long as this flow is steady and of high intensity because you need that stability to feel safe, to feel powerful.

    Any fluctuation, *even if it has nothing to do with you*, is seen as criticism, an indicator to you that she might let you down like all the others before her. How dare she, after all you have done for her. Well, the thing is: we are not machines, we are not appliances. And if that remains your outlook, you will never ever find what you are looking for. Perfection, as you want, does not exist.

    What about her having a bad day because she is overworked, has stomach cramps, is worried about her father’s deteriorating health? How about YOU stepping up, consoling her when you see she is in distress? Even if you only think about yourself here, you would still benefit because the sooner she is made to feel better the sooner your precious fuel will flow again! And she would be ever so grateful that you are such a considerate partner. Ever thought of that?!

    Furthermore, you cannot be certain that you are doing things perfectly right every time, all the time. That is your assumption. If, for example, she wants to change tea brands, and you do not listen when she tells you (because you are on the phone, texting other women) and you come home with the ‘wrong’ one. How would she react? Probably smile and say ‘that’s not what I wanted, HG, but it’s okay. Lets enjoy the evening with a good cup of tea, I will get the other one tomorrow’. How would you react if the same happened to you? Assuming that she did not care, she did not love you anymore, and she failed you completely, perhaps followed by a fit of rage or silent treatment.

    Now, what is the difference here? The most obvious one to me is that we have some sort of built-in filter of what’s important and what is not important. If you place such big meaning on petty, little things, it tells me that you view each interaction as equally important. How about writing a list of what is of central importance to you, and what would annoy you yet you could tolerate! And remember all the little things that have enraged you before, and reflect upon the question if it was really *necessary* to have reacted in this manner!

    As to your manipulations. Firstly, we do not have to follow rules we did not consciously and willingly agree to. And secondly, the rules a narc establishes sure as hell apply to him as well! This was the first trigger with my narc, still infuriates me. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache, time and energy if I had ended it at that point. We live, we learn 🙂

  2. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Thanks Sarah, we are all made of energy its a matter of knowing how to tap into it.
    Some of us it comes naturally, some I know have learned to do it.
    Sounds like it comes naturally for you. Impressive a grizzly bear.
    Mine was a wolf.

  3. Sarah says:

    And I cannot read most fish which is why I do not swim in the ocean unless I can see through the water – I rely on my feelings intuition A LOT as I have gained as of late – maybe too much sometimes but never needed to learn knowledge as I felt it if that makes any sense at all

    1. Sarah maybe if you joined a school of fish you could learn to pick up their vibes.

  4. Forgotten says:

    mine lasted 9 months before first punch. .. then it was back to golden period till year after devaluation started… after he punched me first time, he knew that I knew that it WAS GOING TO GET WORSE… my head was full of invisible thoughts: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! My body shaking… he? his faced was suprised as for “omg I thought I could control it better… I have to put a lot of effort now to cone her as she isn’t ready yet for my real self…”..
    .. 11 ago but feels like a week…

  5. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Sarah you say you feel everything?
    Is it just people? Or places, objects, and nature to?

    1. Sarah says:

      It varies, but the strongest vibrations are from people with the second being animals tuned into emotions. Same goes for words if emotion of a situation is directly applied to them – I immediately sense the feeling even if I do not have the knowledge of why or what it means. Overtime, I have learned how to block the energies as it would be overwhelming, but when I want to, I can “tune in” and feel any living thing if in proximity such as nature – in all cases, there has to be a form of connection and enough intelligence. Places are too general, but if you are asking do I know if a house is haunted, oh yes but I could not feel Athens if that makes sense. Most lower (or really higher if you want to get technical) energy vibrations are turned into the vibration of being (or nothing) which means DO NOT DISTURB. I can feel electricity in an object, but that is different than emotion but the person who made the object has a presence that I can feel through the object if the object was important to its creator. It is very complicated, but always apply knowledge before feelings – but I have gone up to a Grizzly bear and petted it before as it meant me no harm. When I was younger, apparently I went into the cage of an ostrich and got bit – so obviously I erred in that energy read but have been that way my whole life since I remember. It’s not always a perfect science, but I am just used to it now.

  6. Sarah says:

    In empathy, I feel when I read this article: “I want you to leave” but am “forcing you to stay”…sounds like a marriage made in pure hell! (Not to be taken as criticism of course) but just commenting on the feelings of such chained oppression – from you I tuned into: vengeance, irritation, frustration, anger, vindictiveness, disregard, callousness, selfishness, blatant apathy, a little pleasure mixed in there – like a smirk, a little bit of concern (a drop) countered to emotions of intended recipient of frustration, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, despair, irritation, glum, unfairness, inequality (although that shouldn’t come as a shock), and feeling of trapped isolation.

    It appears as if black and white is turning to a shade of grey is it not?

  7. Sarah says:

    Reblogged this on Random Musings and commented:
    Dear HG,

    Your post reminds me of this song:

    I don’t see you as a monster, but sometimes I wonder if that is what makes you angry. Naturally, meeting you on an online setting, you state who you are. I don’t agree with your choices, but you are who you say you are.

    In applying empathy, I don’t think she wanted what you had at all – she most likely likes you – maybe even more. However, if you are sexually, financially, emotionally, and physically abusing her – well, I think there is only so much one can take of that category, but I would tell her it was a desire for closeness to keep her with you because you feel yourself through how other people feel you. Alternatively, it would be a desire to push her away because you don’t want her around as she cramps your style – I can never tell with you but online is a different setting in general.

    However, not wanting her here and not wanting her to leave implies that you yourself are conflicted on how she feels since you look to what she feels for you to feel. That is a predicament. Naturally, I would think as you get involved with empaths, they look towards what you want as they give more then they get in natural practice.

    Either way, I think you like pushing people’s buttons to get an emotional reaction, and maybe you should try being you and if she doesn’t like it, f*** her – that’s my advice.

    1. AH OH says:

      I have all her music and she is great in concert too. But you have to like Jewel.
      Interesting post from a woman who is married.

      1. Sarah says:

        One thing I love about Nashville is I walked into a bar and Jewel was playing for free – it was awesome – but on a more important note, Ah Oh, I think you and I just reached a milestone moment here that now you are beginning to understand the difference between THOUGHTS or in my case, FEELINGS verses ACTION. I feel the emotions in EVERYTHING – it applies to me an OVER ABUNDANCE sense of empathy – however, with HG, he wants the feedback of emotional output and has a gift for knowledge and sensory observation that I do not have – more specifically, I am able to feel what the person he refers to feels like – but that comes from a lifetime of feeling the emotions of others and being able to walk in their shoes – I may not know, but I can feel it. Therefore, I believe I have explained this for the last time with you that now, you have seized the power of a deep understanding and can appropriately correlate my intentions and what I will continue to do with words that influence such feelings for HG.

  8. HG,
    Can’t decide which song is a better fit here. The first one is by Mary J. Blige called I’m going down. She’s breaking apart because you left. I have a feeling you hate R&B, do you?sooooo…..
    The second choice is by Flume featuring Kai, entitled I’ll never be like you. She is saying what can she do to get you back, and it could be that she is saying I’ll never be like you because your so great or that she won’t be like you because you made her feel that way.
    I wonder what you think?

  9. Cara says:

    Am I a monster for enjoying the pain I cause you? I guess you think so…me, I just see it as I need to have SOME fun in this life, and it should make you happy to know you give me pleasure (although not for the reasons you want to)

  10. Viktoria says:

    It is what it is.

  11. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Perfect timing HG, with what is to be dealt with on the anniversaries in the next few days.

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