Time and the Narcissist – Part One

time-and-the-narcs

I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.

The Victim Cadre

All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.

The Lesser Victim

Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.

He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.

The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.

He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.

The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.

He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.

A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.

The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.

The Mid-Range Victim

The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.

The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him

The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.

As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.

‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’

‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’

‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’

The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.

The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.

The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.

The Greater Victim

This combination of cadre and school does not exist.

Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.

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41 thoughts on “Time and the Narcissist – Part One”

  1. The Saturday before last, I met an older “Victim” Narcissist. He turned up at a social gathering of people my age (saw it on Facebook & just showed up), and sort of attached himself to me. “My wife died & I’m lonely, poor me,” was his whole attempt at charm…I knew what he was immediately, and very coolly told him “No” without further explanation.

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    1. Cara have you ever met someone and thought “I don’t want to hurt them ? ” also my ex was always talk of being a world leader and ridding the world of inferiors . Can you relate as far as wanting such power ?

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      1. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hurt that guy, it was just two narcissists trying to get over on each other gets old, fast.

        And I do lead the world…well, I lead MY world

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  2. You really should have your own school full of teachers that are both empaths who have been victims and ones with disorders and you of course would be the dean and in charge of us all . I would attend 😀. It would be a first in the psychological schooling field and make history that’s for sure .

    Tudor University

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      1. Your writings are brilliant hg. Though i do think that nursing home residents arent narcissistic in telling their families to visit them. Living in nursing homes is lonely and depressing. Ive read most of your books and you explain narcissism so well. Do you think there’s a cure for it??

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      2. Thank you Lizz for reading my work and your observations. I agree that those in a nursing home are not narcissistic in asking their families to visit but the difference is, is that the narcissist in the nursing home will DEMAND that he or she is visited.
        No, I do not think there is a cure but we shall see what happens with my ongoing treatment.

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  3. Interesting. My ex feigns illnesses and I now know that my need to take care of her and be there no matter how sick she got caused me to hold in too long.

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  4. HG, I find this one to close. Very triggering.
    The week before he died, he was sick and I was angry. I told him to go see his mistress to care for him. He cut my brakesline in my vehicle.

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  5. I stumbled across your writings and they have helped me hg. Though i do think most residents in a nursing home want to be visited by family and i dont think they are narcissistic with telling their family this. A nursing home can be depressing to be at. Ive read most of your books and you are brilliant hg.

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  6. HG
    Excellent article. One of your best for me in knowledge. I watched this happen with my grandmother who must have been lesser like my mom.
    I cried as I read this. The lesser I know will end up like this but worse. He will end up financially poor and in America the facilities for such care are despicable.
    So all I see is an abused child that never understood what made him tick. Struggle and yet the worst of his life is yet to come.
    I want to understand why such suffering walks among us.
    Some if your pieces ripe me for weeks. This is one, because I can’t change his outcome. I can’t help just one.

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    1. Thank you SII there is, as the title suggests, more to come concerning the onset of time upon our kind. I envisage a whole range of reactions from pity, sympathy, satisfaction through to annoyance. There a very different outcomes dependent on cadre and school.

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  7. HG
    The lesser I know has no relationship with his parents or siblings. A rough one with his son.
    As I understand he feels he needs no one in his life. He always stressed he could take care of himself.
    Looking back and understanding myself. You could not rely on anyone but yourself growing up. We basically raised ourselves the best we new how.
    This leads to a very false sense of the word… need, clearly as they age.
    I wish I could but together a video of the care he will receive because he thought he needed no one. That’s what he was left with no one.
    The lifetime of suffering my heart can’t handle. I want so much to understand. I know the suffering, why would you not want to find another way to live.
    How can we reach these lessers? If they won’t learn from your blog there is truly no hope?

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      1. They can sense something is wrong but they are so ingrained in blaming everybody else for their woes and their rampant passive aggressiveness I see no hope for them either.

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      2. A lot of mid rangers have been coming to me lately. I tell all of them what they are and one of them is going back and forth between fighting it and accepting what I am saying. I know you are always right, but you know me. Hope.

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      3. Keep in mind that there may well be a feigned acceptance as part of keeping you bound to him – “I can see what you are saying, may be you can help me.”

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      4. HG

        Does your mother no what she is? Is she Elite? I am forming a picture the Elite are the ones that know what makes them tick and how the get where they are in the world. The parents set up the… I will push you to the top, you will not fail me.
        I am seeing anything else in the Narcicism catagory as emotionally beaten and the only excape in childhood, so there heart was not dissected, was to wash it all away to someone else.

        Thanks, hope your week goes well.

        SII

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      5. No she doesn’t know what she is. Yes she is an elite but an upper mid-range. The Elite is the hybrid of Somatic and Cerebral, so a Greater Elite is good for brains and beauty and also knows what makes them tick. The Mid-Range Elite is good for brains and beauty too but does not have the awareness. Thank you for your kind wishes.

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  8. Our lesser narc we deal with has a mom that’s more of a mid-range and unfortunately she appears healthy as a horse. She’s 55ish. I honestly think she’s the only reason the less narc even fights to get the kids as much as she does bc she can’t handle the rejection of them not liking to go over there. But her mom constantly pushes her not to lose complete control. Our lessers work, boyfriends, and things that benefit her always come first. The kids can’t miss a holiday though, heaven forbid her not have her facebook mommy of the year pic.

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  9. I was reading with anticipation. The need to know about the GN in his elderly years fascinated me….until HG, you said there is not a combination for GVN. It seems to me, that my ex has so many of all the traits (of narcissm), no matter what the cadre or school. I think he’s a Greater, then I read something and think perhaps not…(bottom line is, I still think he is, but Im no expert lets face it). He is such a sook. Always making noises to attract the attention for his aches and pains. Off to the Doctor he goes the second he loses weight! I hate to think what he’s actually going to be like, when he truly is old and does have serious health issues. Guess I just have to be grateful Im not there to nurse him. Ohhhh the pain!!!

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    1. Hi Lisa, sometimes it is very clear what type of narcissist you are dealing with, sometimes it is harder because there are traits from various cadres in the overall picture. It might be that he is a Greater who makes pity plays regarding the aches and pains, weight loss etc but is not a Victim Narcissist. The VN does not have the cunning of cognitive function to be a Greater, does not have the charm (rather relying on masses of caring and sympathy). Thus if you have someone who exhibits some victim tendencies (which all narcissists have as we love to play the victim) but there are other factors which point away from being a Victim Narcissist (clever/takes pride in appearance/ cunning/ uses great sex as a weapon etc) then what you are dealing with is say a Greater Somatic or a Mid-Range Cerebral who engages in pity plays.
      Then again, if he is not a Greater he may well be a Lesser Victim or a Mid-Range Victim. Thus, you need to establish first what school he belongs to. What makes you think he is a Greater? If he is, we will be a Greater S/E/C who uses pity plays. If he is not a Greater he is likely then to be a LV or MRV.

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  10. Thanks for the reply HG. Ive been studying this topic for around 2 years. I found him to be, from those teachings, a Malignant Narcissist. After reading your book Revenge..How To Beat The Narcissist (FABULOUS by the way!), I have since changed my initial term to Greater, the term you use. He has all 8 pillars I believe. All the typical Narc behaviours….grandiose, lack of empathy, entitlement, rage, haughtyness, exploitative, desire for admiration, jealousy, verbally abusive and not to mention, a true liar on a daily basis. He can be charming when it suits, but those that know him well cant stand him. He’s arrogant, nasty, and a know-all. I could go on. He has however only ever pushed me once, when I totally ignored him. So I dont see him as a Lesser, with the violence, although I have heard rumors. Nothing would surprise me. Still…he is what he is. Theres no fixing that. Glad to be out, and no, for any of you guys reading this, I dont feel sorry for him. I do not love him still like so many of you seem to with your narcs. When I took myself out of fantasy land for the last time, my heart came with me. Thanks HG for all you do.

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      1. Hi TP. Naaa, not a bad bitch. Just a very determined one really. I feel so sorry for anyone who is still in love with their narcs. I dont understand how one could love someone who treats them so badly. Only looking back through rose coloured glasses would allow such a thing in my view. Take them off I say. See things for how they really are. Bright and clear.

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      2. Don’t sell yourself short, Lisa. Was you did was not at all easy and you have a great mentality about it.

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  11. The greater victim does exist; I know one well. She revels in her own uselessness; speaks frequently of her own death, carefully monitoring the emotional response of the quarry; and rages daily about the awfulness and misery that is ‘being her’. She feeds insatiably off the pity of those around her. Her ill health and patheticness and the lack of consideration of those around her, are her constant loudly proclaimed preoccupation. But she’s clever. And she knows what she is.

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