I Want to be Adored

adored

 

The only time that I have felt safe when I was young was when I felt powerful. There were two ways that I was able to achieve this. Adoration or fear. By causing someone to adore me, I felt powerful, I felt myself swelling inside, a warmth sweeping across me, a sensation of unlimited potential. I have realised now that this gave me a sense of feeling omnipotent, invulnerable and capable of doing anything. Indeed, the achievements that I accomplished, through academia, sport, hobbies supported this sensation that so long as I felt powerful I could do anything that I wanted but most of all nobody would hurt me. Of the two catalysts for this, people adoring me or people fearing me, it was adoration which arose first. When I am forced to think back to my childhood (since it is not something that I voluntarily do) I remember that those isolated and they were isolated, those isolated moments of adoration shielded me from everything else that went on.

When I was praised, complimented, lauded and applauded I felt this sensation of power surge inside of me and this overcame the wariness and nervousness that otherwise governed my day to day existence. You see, I learned that it was wiser to remain in the shadows. Out of sight meant out of range and therefore the caustic criticisms and cutting chastisement could be avoided, but only for so long. I cannot recall the first time that I felt the power which rose from praise but I do remember on one occasion I had finished first in the class in respect of English. I did not know what my position would be and I passed the sealed envelope to my mother who loomed over me as she always did. I waited for the irritated sigh, the articulation of disappointment or even the stinging slap of annoyance but none of these familiar mechanisms visited me this day.

“Excellent work.”

Had I misheard? No, I had been told that what I had achieved was excellent and I felt the warm surge which I would later come to know as the power. I tried to reach out, emboldened I suppose by this feeling of safety, to hug my mother but she sidestepped my attempt and moved away. For once though I did not feel that crushing sensation whenever she did such a thing to rebuff me, I felt good, I felt safe and it was because she had praised me. It was only much later that I began to understand the connection between being praised and adored made me feel so much better inside. I was always pushed, driven, instructed and commanded to excel and I knew that the achievement of excellence would surely draw more of this delicious praise that I craved so, so much. Little did I realise how elusive this place of safety caused by adoration would prove to be.

The following year, my first at secondary school and I received a mid-year report, around the end of November. With the change of school came the change of practice, for we were allowed to see our list of placings follow the mid-year examinations and besides the placing was the percentage score achieved, the grade and comments thereafter. I recently located all of my reports and sought out the very first one from my secondary school as I needed to check that my memory had not rusted given the passage of time. It had not. There amongst the results was the one for English Language. I was placed first, the percentage achieved was 76%, the grade was B+ and the comments are best described as cautious encouragement. I was first again. Top of the class. I felt the anticipatory surge of the praise that was sure to come once this report was passed to my mother.

Later that day I handed the report to her. My results were very good, I realised that, but it did not matter. I wanted, I needed her to tell me and make me feel good.

“I came top in English again,” I commented drawing attention to one of many highlights. There was no response as my mother took the folded sheet, opened it and examined the paper for evidence to support my assertion. I waited for the praise to come, relishing the warmth that would rise inside of me.

“Edward!” exploded my mother calling my father’s name. My father dutifully entered the living room from the adjoining study.

“Yes dear?” he asked.

“He came top with seventy-six per cent, just seventy-six per cent. That was enough to top the class. Have you placed him in a class of idiots? This is not good enough.”

My father began one of his protestations as he sought to mollify my mother. I do not recall what he said or what she said by way of response as their voices became background noise as I felt the anxiety and fear sweep over me. I was not good enough. I came top just like last time but it was not good enough. I turned and ran upstairs, the shame burning through me. There was no power. I felt unsafe, exposed and vulnerable. On the landing I passed my sister, Rachael, who had no doubt emerged as a consequence of my mother’s screeching and my father’s bumbling replies, ready to try to pacify the eruption as she always sought to do.

“What is it HG?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I snapped at her. I didn’t want her mocking me as well.

“Is it your exam results?” she asked. I nodded.

“Did you come top again?”

I nodded.

“Wow, that’s great, you are so clever HG,” she smiled and hugged me. I did not respond. I felt stiff and awkward but her comment caused the shame to lessen and a slight surge. It was not the same though. I broke away and headed to my room to curl up on my bed and hope that the still lingering shame would leave me alone.

I so desperately wanted that sense of power again and it had been denied to me. I felt useless. I knew however that there was only one thing to do. Work harder. Apply myself. Try harder and then she would give me the praise that I wanted and needed and that was rightfully mine.

I am beginning to understand that the seeds of my need to be adored were sown through instances like this. Adoration created power which created safety. Adoration created power which created the ability to do more, achieve more and gain even further adoration. Hers was always the adoration I wanted the most for with it I felt more powerful but I also found that any form of compliment, praise or adoration achieved a similar outcome. I knew that in order to be the powerful figure I knew that I actually was, all I had to do was ensure that I was adored. Achievement and accomplishment were the routes to gaining this adoration but then I realised that whilst I was successful, it was actually the image of success that mattered. Who were people to know that I didn’t actually hold the school record for swimming 100m when I recounted such an achievement years later? They did not know but the looks of admiration came nevertheless. All I had to do was show that whatever boast I made was vaguely credible. My physique being athletic meant that nearly all sporting achievements could be passed off as my own and I began to supplement those that I had with the bogus ones. The results were just the same if not better. Thus it became easy to tell lies. I did not stop securing achievements, I still had to be the best in my chosen fields, but I began to tell more and more lies to achieve the looks of admiration and adoration. I realised that it served my purposes to acquaint myself with other successful people because firstly, I belonged to such a group and secondly, I could listen to their achievements and then go and use them as my own. I could build up my suit of armour with a combination of my accomplishments and those stolen from those I interacted with. All that mattered was that I gained the praise, I received the admiration and the adoration. This desire infected all of my relationships and as time went on, I wanted and needed this from the man I passed in the street as I walked to the convenience store. I wanted and needed it from colleagues, friends, strangers in particular from those that I coupled with in the form of an intimate relationship. This was what mattered. I had to be adored because once I was I felt powerful, I was the person that I was meant to be. I ruled. I conquered. I felt safe. Nobody could hurt me when I felt this way. This is why I want you to adore me, each and every day, to praise the way I make a cup of tea for you, to compliment the way I dress, to admire the money that I make, to laud how popular I am, to adore the way I lead you by the hand into the bedroom.

She taught me that to survive I had to be praised. If this did not happen I felt weak, crushed and useless and such a sensation would arise from any and all criticisms that I perceived in respect of people’s treatment of me. The fact that praise was not forthcoming meant that this must inherently be a criticism and this wounds me, makes me feel small and pathetic and I am not those things, but you make me feel like that and that is why I lash at you. That is why I blame you because you do make me feel like that when you have it in your gift to adore me and make everything better for me.

Isn’t that what she was meant to do? Make everything better. I need to you to do that now. I want to be adored.

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125 thoughts on “I Want to be Adored”

  1. HG it seems that your Mother while unable to love you as you needed, felt that she could best serve you by preparing you to place yourself so high above others that you could not be harmed. Well….. By anyone else other than her, and it appears she thought only she retained that right as she was responsible for your very being (conveniently forgetting your fathers role). And of course you attaining that height and greatness could only be reflected on her favourably. The expectation for you to do well pushed you to exceed in hopes of a small crumb of adoration ( which equalled power). The “Excellent work” appears to be not so much a compliment as a clue that you were on the right track and she felt no need to repeat it. It can be argued (and has extensively) that she failled in demonstrating The traditional view of a Mothers love but if she were unable to demonstrate it in any other way than best preparing you for the world as she saw it, does that not count for something? I can hear the howls of indignation hurtling towards me now, but it is evident you DID find a way to be above reproach in your mind and world and so one could argue that she succeded in that regard even if she did nothing else for you. She was unable to love you as you needed and as others expect but was that maybe the very best that she was capable of and so is as close to “love” as a narc gets? Or at least that she could get? Im not defending her action but merely looking for what might have been her twisted logic. What say you?

    1. I think there is considerable force in what you have written NA and knowing some of her comments later in my life, you have grasped the general thrust of her argument.

      1. based on NA keen insightful observation….. wouldn’t more asians be narcicissts? with the whole tiger mom approach? yet….. in knowing many asians…..i do not see that. comments HG?

      2. findinglife11 my years of observations mostly point that many Asian are highly narcissistic due to complete lack of closeness with parents especially a mother.. besides there is a hidden dirty world of sexual abuse as everywhere in the world but I cannot comment on that . I’ve spend loads of time with people from Iraq and in Iraq and I can assure You they are very ” damaged “… girls are being conditioned to serve and develop mostly codependency although I’ve met a woman highly narcissistic too once…. that’s the way it is… add to it some war issues and PTSD and You have a very suffering individual 😭

      1. TP
        Thank you for taking me out of the shallow end lol.
        It really is exhausting being this fabulous. (Flicking hair).

  2. HG
    This one blog is worth repeating in your line up every so often. Like MLA mentioned she saw things different this time.
    I believe the first time I read it I was sent right to disassociation so I didn’t pick up on some things the first time.
    Then you have the new readers that add what we may need in our lives.
    I read everything but I am finding if it was to painful and close to home I was checking out. I have a tool to keep present now. I am finding more information in the repeats.
    Enjoy your day

      1. HG…
        Interesting piece to read on so many levels…..
        You really can seem like an empathetic person of you didn’t know better.
        Bc of the nurture aspect…
        Do you think you would be a totally different person if you had a different mother and different upbringing?
        Do you think you could have been a “normal” and feeling person. Capable of giving and receiving and feeling love ?

    1. The first time I read this, I focused on the education angle and why didn’t his parents want to talk with the teacher to see how the class was doing collectively? Was she grading on a curve? Her effectiveness as a teacher, etc.
      Since then, as I’ve heard more MatriNarc stories and personally studied more attachment disorders, the “slap of annoyance” really jumped off the page at me this time. Such unacceptable behavior.

  3. Your grandmother to, HG?
    After all I have read many similarities, I wonder thou why do some take the same path you did and others the path I did.
    I do have my own ideas on why, yet this is where my up bringing causes a problem, I become silent and observe.

  4. Thank you for the repost, HG. An excellent example pertaining to my question yesterday. While I despise what happened to you, I loved this piece.

  5. Is it mostly narcissist mothers that create narcissistic sons?
    I’m sorry she caused you so much pain and made you feel unworthy.
    You deserve to feel true, pure love.
    I hope you find the one to quiet your demons forever.

    1. Thank you empath23, I do not know of any reliable study for such a correlation. I can only speak anecdotally about my family and the other narcissists I know and I have observed.

  6. HG
    You have no idea how much alike we were raised. I however could never bring the grades home. I spend my grammar school years in disassociation with the walks caved in and the echoes never to make sense. Doctors didn’t no what was wrong and teachers said I was always the best obedient student they never understood.
    I could not get out of that state. I could not bring home the grades. I never felt safe.
    Can you write about your grandmother. Your killing me today.

  7. HG
    Quick question. Adoration makes you feel safe because it’s powerful and then you can feel safe.
    I would feel safe if I was getting a compliment from my mother because I new nothing bad was going to happen to me at that time. So I had a small sense of safety.
    My mother never taught empowerment so I would not feel that a safe word.
    Your mom made you feel safe if you were putting yourself above everyone. Where you can’t be hurt?

      1. HG
        I could be wrong but my feeling is I may not be.
        The top of anyplace in life is your safe place. How you get there is the conditioning you were given.
        At the top nobody hurts you. Your a lone king!
        Your mother could not really entangle your older brother like she did you. I bet that is a big failure in her eyes. I believe you were your moms target and she was shaping you from the very beginning to be at the top.
        It hurts at the bottom, so son you better climb the top.
        HG she reinforced this when you pushed the kid off the mound in your army game and the parent came down to talk it out.
        I think you had the worst of the upbringing because she was shaping you not the 2 others sibblings. She could not shape your older step….failure, rage. You took it all!!!
        Now for my believe. She did push you to the top for very good reason….what you are doing right here.

      2. HG
        If I just connected a dot for you, which I believe I did….here is more and hold on it’s a lot…
        My baby feet walked your exact path. I have been wanting to know why my path split to the empath and yours to the narc. I asked about your siblings. I thought I might find an empath. No surprise your brother. I will bet he was not raised to the top much. She was to involved and making sure you made it to the top. She failed her first born. She was not going to do that with you.
        I believe the link in who was pushed to safety at the top VS Those that never could reach the top, understand the pain and always wanted what you had. The false safety. You had to cut your emotions off because if you let them get in the way you could not reach your safe place. So guess what I found in the link of the cluster group. Safety was found at the top for you. BPD never had safety, something we always wanted and was not pushed to reach.
        I can not figure out why the different classes of Narcs and I have a thought but am holding out until I see a clue. I also would like to know where your brothers safe place was because I don’t think it was the top. No surprise your sister is co dependent. Being the only daughter had its perks I am sure.
        Hope you can still breath…….

    1. HG
      I believe Lenoxx safe place may have been your father. I wonder if your father new all along he could not help you. Your mother had her brain vocused on making her top appliance shine ( this kills me to call you that) I don’t believe your dad had a chance to save you from her and so he sheltered your younger brother. He held guilt for that and felt weak. He apologies by telling you your strong and can handle yourself. You are right, and strong, because the top is safe and your great, your at the top. That’s what she did to you. Conditioned….top…..safe……don’t fall it hurts…..so then you cut the emotional wire so you can ring the bell at the top. She never took her eyes and goals off of you. Your dad new this. He could not help and I hope you understand this.
      My only brother of the 4 of us was number three in the siblings of sisters. He did know wrong and was going to rule the world. So I am aware of the rules and role your sister played.
      As a very young child and half dead in emotions and most of my life in the tunnel of echoes. I developed a very strong sixth sense. Sometimes it allowed me to know what to expect. I listen, because it could be found in the basement. There is a wiring lesson in here for you. Sometimes my brain could not even comprehend the pain so I had to find another safe place. I walked to the basement of sixth sense. Your dad loved you and was knocked to the ground if he tried to help the shiny top appliance in the making. He fell on Lenoxx the only one he may have been able to help save. A child’s eyes only sees what a mother is painfully doing to you and not your brother. You had to turn the switch if emotion off, to reach the top, the safe place. You had to stop watching your dad help your brother and your sister get the special daughter perks. You went into robot mode. Drove to the top, on a bullet proof nonstop train. Rang that bell at the top and new you were not coming down.
      HG these last three notes have been painful for me to write and I have had to use every tool I have to stay present and spell correctly. Spelling lessons were lost in grammar schools tunnel of disassociation. I hope you find some pieces to your puzzle in here.
      Lenoxx name suits him.
      BREATH HG…..,

      1. Can I ask you HG a question. Is it possible for a Narc. mother to intentional send a 3 year old daughter threw a door knowing she was about to be sexually abused. Could this thought then sink the monster of my mother enough to care for my other sister. In her sadistic way could she gain fuel of this intentional act?
        The why of me wants to understand this. My believe was always she never new. New information from a family member tells me she did know.
        I am dead enough to except this was intentional but I can’t wrap my head around this could have been her fuel she needed.

      2. It was my next door neighbor. She sent me there to play. When my dad was at work. I think she was a lesser. I had contact with my youngest sister this week. It’s been 10 years. My dad is dying and my mom is killing him. My sisters exact words. She has no idea what I know in the narc world now. As I tried to stay strong, while trying to hold her, when I hate hugs. Her only words she said was she was a fucking monster and you took the brunt of it. I swallowed, shut down and just new my mother sent me there and new what was happening. I just want to know that somehow she got fuel that protected my sister or myself from possible death. I can handle the truth and I will never get it from her.

      3. Sorry I didn’t answer the relationship my mom had with the abuser.
        It was a next door neighbor probably in his 50. Kids grown. The abuse could easily have been hidden and my mother had no relationship other then the house next door. I can handle the truth. Somehow your pushing me to the top so I can get threw the crap and into the rewiring. It’s this post that does it every time.

      4. Did she know about the abuse and if so how? I am not doubting your explanations SII, I recognise you as a genuine individual, I am fact-finding in order to provide you with my observations.

      5. The abuse was finally brought forth by myself to both my mom and my dad at the same time. I was 5 years old. We moved away a few months later and nothing was spoke about again. I remember my mom showing nothing and offered no help at all. I dissociated, I am sure because I can not see my dads face in flashbacks.

      6. We are in the same page. I just want to give you as much info as I can.
        My sister cut all contact with my mom 3 years ago. They had a bad argument with her family visiting. My mom stomped out of the room. A few minutes later she quietly without anyone knowing entered back in the room. She quietly walked up to my sister from behind put her hands around her throat and told her she would never speak to her again. My sister said I’m gone. Apparently she is keeping all the kids away from my dying dad.

      7. The relationship of my sexual abused was a next door neighbor. I was sent there often. It was always during the day when dad was at work.

      8. I am incredibly and deeply sorry and heartbroken for your loss of childhood innocence SII. It is beyond comprehensible to me.

      9. Im sorry for your pain SII and commend you on your strength in examining it for purposes of clarity and healing. Also for what must have been a difficult interaction with your sister.

      10. Nar angel and MLS

        Thank you. I will be ok. I have had 7 years off intense therapy that I thought was leading me no place. I was very wrong. It gave me all my knowledge and tools to survive the very last part of my journey. I was validated, the house of horror existed, just as I have always known.
        I can let the anger slowly flow away and hope the calm will be found. I will get to have a wonderful relationship with 2 sisters I had to run from. My mother managed to destroy the 4 sibling somehow never letting us speak among ourself. It’s a sick sick family.

  8. ALWAYS I will and You know that.. because Your battle is so hard… because You’ve done so much despite he environment You have grown up in…. because You are trying and You are soooo lovelu wheb You are Yourself. A funny intelligent charismatic and sweet cute as a baby… so fragile yet sooo powerful and strong… so open yet so closed…. so tried but denying it to keep Your face. So beautiful outside and inside. SO MAGNIFICENT! dear G. the dictionary of any language doesn’t hold enough epithets to describe You. ❤

  9. DN came over today to “fix a few things” around the house. I will admit I popped in for a second to grab some things but got out quick bc, hello….hooverville!!!! Came home to a tape (drywall) mess in front of my(empty with no bag) trashcan rather than in it. Text him about whether or not I should throw it away(bc he knows where the trashbags are). His response “Yes, and I cleaned the sink and vacuumed the house for you, hope that was okay.” Hello…someone needs some admiration!!!!

    1. Interesting and I see it as an immediate response wrt their failure to place in the bin their stuff. They were pleasantly putting you down repaying put down for put down from their headspace and then asking praise to boot. Two things as payback sling off- The sink & the vac- Spiteful sods.

  10. I despise a deceased woman and they say you should not speak ill of the dead. I despise a deceased man and they say you should not speak ill of the dead.

    HG I have been writing some prompts as best as I can explain around your history through it being inherited into my life through the narcissist and his background. One that I have pieced together because I am an intuitive empath.

    Today, is the first time I have read anything to do with your upbringing and almost word for word it replicates in it’s own unique sense that what I experience through the narcissist, that I have identified as the core acorn that has shaped him into your kind, essentially.

    Firstly, HG I commend you on your best piece of writing that I have seen amongst your wealth of literature that is well received and studied as you do a wonderful service to give others the validation through their experiences of the invalidation, the (real and only validation) combined with warmth and affection from the one you needed it most from.

    The reason I find this piece the best is not because the others are worse. I have struggled to point this out to the narcissist. Oh you betcha’ I have felt the ramifications from a childhood that was not mine and by partnering with a narcissist, I have felt everything that hurt him of where he is still in denial or avoids at all costs. That explains why I find this your most valuable piece because you have gone there and you are putting it out there, a huge hurdle that you have achieved in the 200 metres!

    You see, HG if you can go there you are in touch with empathy because you are redeeming yourself in not containing it and that is the release necessary for narcissists, as these conditions you describe were spelled out to me to gain my sympathy from the, then victim narcissist who used it then shut it back away and refuses to acknowledge it and defends the wrongs that were done to him, so transferring blame onto myself for his history instead of where it belongs with his deceased parents. Furthermore, you have connected the dots as your thought processing establishes causation and no it is not blame shifting but recognition of the trigger/s. The empathic part is that you are helping others and that there in a nutshell is the beginning seeds of redemption. You are doing more than the narcissists in our lives and have come to a place further ahead of them as they remain in the murky waters and entrench themselves there indefinitely. The ‘not good enough’, is one of the most common sentences that fly out from the mouth of the narcissist- (something they have heard that was a deep enough blow to etch these kinds of remarks into their being). No child, has a splendid childhood and suddenly wakes up one day and says to oneself: Today I have decided to hurt people and throw in the bin who I am unless they are pushed that way through conditioning.

    Thank you for this post HG and as your journey continues as does our kinds, somewhere right in the middle is the blending and that is where true self love lays and not ego. I completely understand what you speak in this entry and hereby clarify my position when first coming into this blog and for any further eroding remarks. Any offence that I may have caused is my lack of constraint to seal my lips about the narcissist and I shall not be silenced by him. That tends to spill over and unless it spills over none of us can learn and advance. There are life lessons for each in your blog and I ask that you delineate our repulsion for your kind through being entwined with one of your kind because that is where our nausea truly resides toward them not directly toward you, however the lines become blurred due to the intensity of what we have experienced.

    As your behaviour was aimed at seeking praise and adoration, so I completely hold accountable the parental style of the narcissists I have inherited and as you have manufactured a system to work for you that does hurt others, we are not immune neither from exhibiting an extension of ourselves for self-preservation and protection for a problem that again was not ours to be burdened with. Empaths are not weak, nor lack intellect, like many they simply were given a counterfeit in place of the real McCoy. They do however if truly empathic know deeply the very small space where the true McCoy had so much potential to be the most sensitive and loving reciprocal partner, but for the ‘but nor for rule of reasonability, very foreseeable.

      1. Thanks HG Quid Pro Quo. Animal behaviour is a passion of mine and for your readers this piece may or may not be beneficial but I shall put it out there anyhow as an empath feels words, not just visualises them. Therefore any negative experiences have a physiological impact on our kind and not exclusively negative as positive experiences also cause fluctuations within our bodies, neuro system and transmitters including our endocrine system that particularly suffers. Our kind require the world and its inhabitants to gain an education into our kind and how your kind are a physiological threat to our being. Regardless of no contact, the excerpt below and the link can be examined to explain further in detail how no contact does not remove the physiological threat, the one threat that supersedes whether you are in our lives or not. We are deeply in tune with our bodies and have full awareness of the chemicals running through us moreover the stress hormones. Awareness, that we at times would not wish on anyone, it is not all roses and champagne.

        Somatic Experiencing
        What really needs to happen is not to just face the pain with gritted teeth.  Rather, after being overwhelmed by something that has thrown us off kilter—whether a moment ago or decades ago—our nervous system needs to be “re-set.”  Daniel got help from a therapy called Somatic Experiencing (SE), which is a holistic approach to establishing this natural flow between mind and body.
        Developed by Peter A. Levine, PhD, SE draws from many different disciplines to address the physiology of stress and trauma. Dr. Levine was curious about the fact that animals in the wild aren’t traumatized by their life-and-death existence, while people can be traumatized by events that seem inconsequential to many of us.  
        What he realized was that animals will complete the full sequence of a response to danger, by noticing, reacting, and recovering from the threat. Humans often interrupt it. When in jeopardy, animals will access and expend enormous amounts of energy providing the” fuel” to escape the danger. Dr. Levine observed that, once the threat has been successfully overcome, there is a discharge of excess energy through the body. The body returns to baseline by allowing a chemical discharge to move through the nervous system—for example by trembling, shaking, bucking, or running further than necessary simply to escape the predator—which re-sets the mind and body and prepares it for the next challenge. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201503/somatic-experiencing

      2. HG and purple

        This is a great piece. Thank you to both for sharing.
        I have a million thoughts pouring threw me right now. This piece is going to be important someplace in the rewiring work studies.
        7:30 am here and I need to run with this information!!! Thank you thank you! HG I had to read it twice there is so much information in here!

      3. I really liked these comments too and am mulling over some thoughts but limited on time today. Hope to add to this over the weekend!! Always enjoy your contributions SII.

      4. Reputable research is always worth following up and regardless of qualitative or quantitative both are academic journal worthy. The application of rewiring has promise across many disciplines. We are giving big pharma companies our lives on a platter and we must continue to educate ourselves as there are many alternative therapies some that little is known of that have excellent outcomes. The applications for plant based roots, leaves, seeds, stems, flowers are known as complementary yet have the most potent effects when the right combination is found. We have the world at our fingertips. HG’ will speak for himself and we are very thankful for his works and those in progress.

      5. Awesome PRH. Thanks for sharing, I’ll definitely be reading more about this tomorrow.

    1. May I suggest you search and read “Love is a Taught Construct”? (If you’re looking for more history on HG’s upbringing).

      1. Thank you, Ted Bundy had an apparent as near perfect upbringing as one could get however was triggered to deriving his drug of choice until the urges or requirement for his kind of fuel resulted in many lives taken. Addictions are addictions and narcissists are addicts but then most of us is completely truthful have an addiction of some type be it a collection of high heel shoes!

  11. From the song Adore by Prince
    HG, you are truly adored for the wonderful work you do.

    Until the end of time
    I’ll be there for you
    You own my heart and mind
    I truly adore you
    If God one day stroke me blind
    Your beauty I’d still see
    Love is to weak to define
    Just what you mean to me

  12. HG, where you wrote receiving a “slap of annoyance”, was she that way with your father or just the kids?

      1. HG
        Do either of your siblings suffer a personality disorder?
        The degrading slap to the face is the worst. If my mother did this to my father it was behind closed doors as well.
        I saw my father at a funeral a year ago. He didn’t look good and at the time I could not place it.
        It was defeat plain and simply. My father spent his early married years with high blood pressure and anxiety. In his early 50 he had quadruple heart surgery and went out of work on permanent disability. He spent the next 20 years home full time with my mom.
        Sick and defeat was what I saw. Yet even if I reached out to help him, he would defend my mother to the end.

      2. Hi SII, Rachael is a co-dependent although she maintains she is making great progress in dealing with this. Lennox seems pretty normal, he is an empathic individual, but there are no PDs around him, but then again, my father always shielded him the most. Robert has no PDs either but he had a different environment to us three.

      3. You know how you’ve explained that your dad acknowledged he didn’t shield you as much because it seemed as though you could take it?
        Have your brother or sister ever shared a similar perspective? That you appeared more stoic or tougher up against mom?
        As adults, do they have some resentment at her treatment of all 3 of you?
        They are your link to your childhood and from what you’ve written, Rachael and Lennox seem fond of you. I know you can’t feel love but is there any kind of special endearment they hold for you?

      4. Lennox and Rachael look up to me and also fear me because of what I have done and what I am capable of. They respect me for when I have taken action which has assisted them, which of course was done in order to further my own aims and their benefit was collateral, but they also fear the power which I wield.
        My sister makes excuses for my mother’s behaviour the most, Lennox does as well and tries to be diplomatic but he knows what she is like but her feels a huge sense of obligation because of her position as our mother, hence why he has never done or said anything about her getting treatment but he was all for me receiving it.
        I have no special endearment for them.

      5. HG
        I understand well, and with some sadness, that your siblings are just another person to you. My mother still has all my siblings under her thumb. I am suspecting your mother has the same with yours? You are the only one that is somewhat removed? Do your siblings us drugs or alcohol to numb emotions?
        Being the oldest of the 3. Are you going to be responsible for your mothers future elderly care and decision making? That thought is an interesting one, don’t you think?

      6. I hope God gives you much strength in those upcoming years. I new what was going to come and I Got the heck out. I no why you hang in there but I suspect in the end you might handle her care better then I would handle my own mothers. You can handle the business and walk away.

  13. An excellent example to go along with the answer to my question earlier today. Thank you HG, I liked this a lot too.

  14. Hi HG,

    To me, the feeling of power you are describing here is the feeling of WORTHINESS. You wanted to feel worthy in other peoples’ eyes.

    You have never been given that unconditional love a real mother gives. You had to earn her love, and the harder you tried the more ways she would find to crush you. It was never good enough! Makes me so mad to read what she did: I hope she rots in hell!

    By the way, next time you are plunging someone into devaluation stage, please remember how YOU felt when your mother crushed you time and again, without mercy. That is exactly the pain you inflict upon this poor woman who gave you her all, and wanted nothing more than to love you. She is NOT the one who deserves your wrath, she is not the one who should suffer for your mother’s wrongdoings! So, please think twice next time.

    You have been carrying this toxic shame all your life, that is what the creature is made of. Your doc knows this. Your doc knows you are hiding from yourself: and you know as well. He is not your enemy. He wants to help you live a life where you do not have to hurt others to feel good. The only way out of your hell is to face your childhood wounds, to develop a sense of self which is NOT dependent on what others think. Only when you realise that you are enough as you are, that you do not have to prove anything to anyone, that you do not have to seek validation from others for your own sense of WORTH, only then, you stand a chance of living a fulfilled life.

    1. Hello Matilda, than you for you comments. The point you make in your third paragraph is something which has arisen in my discussion with the good doctors namely, since you know what it is like to feel powerless do you not think you should not make others feel that way. I understand their point and your point, but the fact is in order to feel powerful I must make someone else feel powerless and needs mean this invariably is the primary source. Since i have developed in a way where I do not care, I understand why people think I should not do that, but I place my needs first and my lack of empathy for that individual means that there is nothing to ‘force’ my knowledge into takin a different course.

      1. I am always brought back to this blog.
        Are you aware of about what age you were dead emotionally?
        HG when your mom was threw with one of her rants and before you shut down. What did you do with that horrible ripped up heart and as small kids do not no what to do with. I was taught to ignore mine as I think you were as well.
        Mine were so heart tears I often ran away. My first time was 4th grade. Imagine an 8 year old running away. I had no fear of the streets it was better then home. I could cry and no one knew. After awhile my dad would bolt the doors high and end up following me in the car.

      2. What matilda said was so good….HG…..
        Makes me so sad…your reply was so harsh…. God….so hopeless. Why can’t you cling to a possible new worldview…maybe just maybe.
        Let that construct die…. sometimes you have to die in order to live. That’s the way life works. U will feel more alive than the facade you
        un-exist in now. It will be worth it. It will. Don’t be controlled by fear. Be free.

      3. I understand what you are saying, HG… that you can only feel powerful if she is powerless. Makes perfect sense to you. From my perspective, and probably most peoples’, I can tell you beyond any doubt that you can feel powerful if you lift others up instead of crushing them. When empaths gather fuel, it is by helping others! That warm feeling inside comes from making a positive difference in someone else’s life, however small. This can be a meaningful conversation, a hug (I have little experience with hugs, but they feel amazing), a cup of tea, all those small acts of caring… those are the ones that matter. It fills your entire being and it is the best feeling ever.

        I have had anger issues all my life. I know my creature, we all have a creature lurking beneath. I stood tall and I looked it straight into the eyes. I faced the pain it unleashed, and I have made peace with mine. You cannot erase what happened, but you can learn to live with it in a way it does not hold you back from living a fulfilled life. Once you face your pain, and own it, I believe you will be able to regain your humanity, and empathy, as the ice is melting away from your heart. And you will see what you have been missing out on for so long.

        We are not born to hate. We are meant to love and be loved. If you look closely, you will find that this is the meaning of our existence in this rotten world. You were thrown off the track, we all were at some point, but that does not mean you have lost your way for good.

        You have helped us in ways and depths never seen before, and out of this gratitude and appreciation, we want to help you return to the path you were meant to take. You only have one life, and you are more than half way through it!! And even if I get mad at some of the things you are saying and doing -*grrr*- it would sadden me if you left this life without having experienced a deep, meaningful connection with another human being.

      4. Were you aware previous to this post that you had completed half of your life? That is a disturbing observation to anyone.

      5. I had a huge epiphany this morning. Something 2nd sociopathic ex said to me. He said he loved to be around me because he could feel my power. That I was powerful. I never understood that until now.

  15. It’s interesting reading this a second time from when you first posted this several months ago, the first thing I honed in on was your natural instinct to reach out for a hug when MatriNarc told you “Excellent” work. And you were rebuffed as many times done before that. It is deeply saddening that she consistently missed your non-verbal cues for affection and affirmation that would take that feeling of praise / power to a deeper level. Hugs are also used for comfort, for comradery, all kinds of things.
    She was never attuned or in sync with your needs as a growing child needing emotional connection. So frustrating to see that again.

    1. I didn’t thin Narcs praised each other. Or is this only with female to male or vise versa?
      Nonetheless I concur B_E

      1. Bloody_Elemental I hope you don’t mind my asking. If you are a narc, how is it you can praise anyone? From my involvement with the lesser and middle I learned that they didn’t praise anyone but self. Maybe a few compliments in the beginning but both sought out compliments and attention for self. Also, neither would never entertain being on a blog like this unless they were looking for prey. How can you be here not just as a observer but as a participant? Have you been diagnosed with the disorder? A lot of your post referencing your behavior as a narc seems to mimic HG.

      2. Entertainment,

        I read somewhere that imitation is one of the highest forms of flattery. No?

        I believe you answered your own questions by acknowledging your interaction has been largely limited to lessers and mid-rangers. I am ultra aware of what I am and why I am the way I am. I know exactly what motivates me and I understand it fully and completely.

        I am not diagnosed NPD, I am diagnosed as something other. Narcissism makes up a large chunk of who and what I am, and yes, it defines how I interact with others and how I move about in the world, but there is a lot more to it than that.

        If I had a nickel for every time someone accused me of being a wannabe or mimicking HG or blah, blah, blah, I would have a lot of nickels.

        “How can you be here not just as a observer but as a participant?” – I am always observing. But, and you should know this from reading all of HG’s posts, we get much, much more out of participating and interacting.

        As for prey, I have no need to stalk this blog (or any other) looking for prey. I have ample opportunity to stalk, hunt and capture prey in the real world. There is not much reward to be reaped from stalking or preying upon people I likely will not get the chance to meet in real life when the city streets outside my window are teeming with ones whom I can and will.

      3. Bloody,

        I am curious. If you have been diagnosed in the cluster group as you are emplying for personality disorders, which is your diagnosis? Your obviously not here to learn what makes you tick, you must know.
        I am curious what you are looking for in knowledge here? Are you trying to gain knowledge for your own future and healing or something more? I have a blunt way of asking questions. This is not a criticism.

      4. Bloody_Elemental I thought I’d read a previous posts from you stating that you had Narcisse Personality Disorder. Now i know you are not my questions are answered. Although, my experience has been with a lesser and mid based on what I have read I don’t think a greater would find much fuel or a need to be on this blog either. To clarify, I should have said most narcs spend their time perusing social media sites such as Facebook or Dating sites looking for prey/victims. Because of the narcs incessant need to be the center of attention, and admired by everyone they would criticize and move on out of jealousy. Nickels turn to dollars not all bad, adults don’t turn into narcissistic just because they exhibit some of the traits. Now that would be bad. 😊

      5. HG, I have seen both you and BE suggest that you would not receive much fuel in this setting, in person seems to be more appealing. I don’t understand how I could have been so valuable to someone I never met. The pull I felt towards him was not lessened by our distance. It was very intense. Was it different for him because he is mid-range?

      6. SII,

        I do not discuss my diagnosis here in this forum because it is not my forum.

        I am here because it suits me. I am here because it suits my purpose. I have my reasons for being here, none of which involve learning about what makes me tick or healing.

        As a side, I am learning much about what makes empaths tick and I find it interesting. It helps me to know why they react the way the way they do.

        I also enjoy interacting with HG since it is next to impossible to find someone who is so self-aware and brutally honest (in this forum at least) to relate to. I have known and do know plenty of lessers and mid-rangers and while I find them entertaining and fun to be around, they cannot offer the insight, awareness and intelligent and thoughtful commentary that HG can and does.

        I have adapted myself to be able to interact in a constructive manner here. I adapt and evolve constantly in order to blend in. I do not need to blend in here as I do in real life, but I have had to adapt in order to keep things respectful and civil. Let us say the masks I wear here are not fastened as tightly as the ones I wear in real life.

        As for there being a hierarchy, of course I can acknowledge that there is a hierarchy among my own kind because there is (which HG has outlined more perfectly and eloquently than anyone ever has). I can spot my own kind in a crowd a mile away. I can tell right away, just by observing their actions, mannerisms, etc. I have yet to come across one as high-functioning, self-aware and brilliant as HG in real life.

      7. Happy Monday BE! I agree wholeheartedly that you have adapted yourself to interact here with the readers along with HG. You choose gracious consideration which you may or may not choose to do more in your daily life. I mean that as a compliment and I really appreciate that about you!!

      8. Thank you Clarece. I know you understand because things were prickly between you and I at first. You have seen me adapt and I know you are aware of the effort it takes for me to be able to keep things respectful and constructive.

        It is clear there are many who do not understand me or my purpose here. On one hand, I get accosted for mimicking, HG. On the other, I get accosted for not being enough like him. It is amusing, to say the least.

        HG and I are cut from the same cloth, but the pattern is not the same. And then there is the fact that I am a woman, which adds a different dimension all together.

        In any case, I appreciate you as well Clarece and I am glad you no longer view me as a pesky little fly buzzing about your pretty blonde head. 😉

      9. Estrogen always adds a delightful dimension!!
        I will leave it that I do see you with your genuine interest and sincerity to take in all that is offered here driven by curiosity to understand the different sensitivity levels and mindset which is what I appreciate about hearing your perspective.
        And actually, it was to ping a pesky, annoying Gnat…poof…gone.
        I know you’ve borrowed that line from me since you heard it. Admit it. It’s cool. There’s plenty that need flicking. Lol
        Oh, and I went auburn now for fall too.

      10. Dye? You make it sound so harsh HG. It’s gold and copper low lights and high lights complimenting my fair Irish complexion and blue eyes!

      11. LOl

        I am going to carry her out of here due to the carrier empath that I am. I got your back with a hot coco in hand MLA. Don’t follow the great OZ

      12. All the cool kids are in the Hot Cocoa Club HG. That’s where it’s at.
        Thanks SII. Fist bump!

      13. BE

        Thank you for answering me. I was raised by a horrible Narc. I am in a unique place and I like to know how people think. I have been able to put many pieces together here by asking questions. Enjoy your day

      14. Thank you TP, whilst it will not have been as rewarding as being physically next to someone, fuel would still be garnered in this fashion and especially so through the use of FT.

  16. I agree DC!
    It is completely normal to want to be praised and adored. I myself, want to be told when I am doing a good job, going above and beyond, and I am the best at what I do. It makes me feel good inside. I never feel the power that you talk of though.
    My daughter has had similar exam experiences at college like you. The class had overall lower percentages but she was able to be at the top with 65%. I would never think to tell her that what she achieved wasn’t good enough unless of course she was goofing off. But her work ethic is excellent. Praise is something to be given when it is earned.

    I hate to hear when you looked for mother’s love, her touch, her hug, that it was turned away from you. Unfortunately I see it from time to time with kids in my class.
    I did always praise my ex because I felt that she needed it. I didn’t know why. She seemed to absorb it. I complimented every little thing she did for me. I did feel at times motherly to her. I certainly did mean to but she asked a million questions, so I was always giving advice and praise.

    I do adore you HG and wish I could make everything better just like I still wish I could do for her.

    1. Snow,

      We love and we want our partner to know we love and admire them, I would find something every single day to admire my ex for… even after years of being with him, watching him talk to a client about whatever was so incredibly sexy to watch… how could I not tell him? How can you not want to lift them up, to let them know how you feel, how they make you feel? It is a desire, it is a need and I always want to show it any way possible. <3

      On another note, I have a degree in Criminal Justice more on the forensics side and I went back to school for photography because I wanted to do crime scene photography… instead I got swept away into art classes <3 and then I left my ex-husband and had to work. As soon as my daughter is off to college I want to go back to school but I was really conflicted if I wanted to take more classes geared towards forensics (requirements have now changed) or something else… I have decided I want to go back to school but I want to teach art to children… I hope I can reach out to those who have parents who just don't care… I hope I can inspire them to look inside themselves… immerse themselves in creativity and imagination! I know I cannot save them all but I do want to give them hope! <3 I admire teachers who really do care and are passionate about teaching. Of course teachers are not the parent BUT they can be inspirational. I can remember some of my favorites who encouraged me! 🙂

      We love and we want our partner to know we love and admire them, I would find something every single day to admire my ex for… even after years of being with him, watching him talk to a client about whatever was so incredibly sexy to watch… how could I not tell him? How can you not want to lift them up, to let them know how you feel, how they make you feel? <3

      1. Oh DC, I loved art school!!!
        I think that would be great to go back to school for something that you are passionate about. I absolutely love my class. I never intended to be a teacher but because of the care that my son needs I needed a job that matched his hours. I started out being a sub and then an opening came up and I took it. I have been teaching for 11 years now and nothing is more rewarding than knowing you have made a difference in a child’s life or just their day. I like to think that I have assisted the parents also. Small things mean a lot to a child. All they want is your attention, support, and love. It killed me to hear HG say that his mother never said “I love you” to him because I say it to my kids at school every day along with a hug.

        Does your daughter graduate this year? I would love to go back to school but my life is up in the air right now. My son graduates this year and I’m not sure where he is going. It’s a transition because he will need a new aide if he stays in school til he’s 21 or because of his medical needs, working at a job site will require me.
        Are you in the criminal justice field currently?

      2. My daughter is set to graduate in 2017, she is already filling out her college applications but also has medical issues we have to get control of before she ventures off by herself… Although she is ready to leave lol! I am not in the criminal justice field, I have never used my degree for a career… I suppose only the part that is having a higher education!
        Yes, kids bring so much love and joy… I’m just the one who likes to return them at the end of the day…ha ha ha. I love art, I love creating so it’s a perfect marriage and I can’t wait to start back!
        I hope your son is able to follow his dreams and he gets whatever is necessary to do that! 🙂 No one should be held back because of something that is out of their control. We all have gifts to offer this world! 💜

  17. And if somehow you’re placed in a class of idiots, it’s father’s fault (never hers), never mind that you came in top in anything. My mother didn’t adore me either & as a child I thought maybe she didn’t know how to adore anyone…until I realized how she adored my sister (and then I realized it was just ME, that she didn’t like me). I never really adored her but much of the time I feared her and I wonder now how powerful that made her feel, being feared by a child.

    1. 🙁
      I can only relate to this because of my daughter and her father… he adores his first child. This makes me VERY angry and my heart hurts for her, for you, for HG and anyone who had a shitty parent in their lives!

  18. Everyone wants to feel adored by someone. No one likes to feel like they are worthless. You strive for the adoration without regards to others feelings… I actually admire that because there is always someone ready to take that position from you without regard for your feelings.

    I do believe that a proper relationship requires the little things to stay alive and fresh… that is the adoration and there is nothing wrong with wanting it all the time.

  19. HG..
    Question…
    Since i have 4 kids w my greater narc ex… we are in same arena at times…
    Many times i have “bodyguards” as well…. always people around anyway. Never alone with him.
    Well…. what should i act like around him in these arenas.
    I just try and be myself and stay away from him. Im very social and very demonstrative and energetic when i talk….. im usually talking w someone… but always w a side eye on him.
    Do i say hi? How are you?
    From a distance of course…or in passing…. (w distance again)
    Or do i just not acknowledge him like ive been doing?
    What goes through his mind in regards to what im doing?

    1. Excellent song BE…

      I will have to admit that listening to it from my perspective it is totally different in a naughty way but I do see how it is fitting for your kind!

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