Unbelievable – And How To Tackle It

unbelievable-and-how-to-tackle-it

 

My kind savage your heart. We pollute your mind. We ravage your soul. One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behaviour is found at every stage of your entanglement.

  1. Seduction

It is unbelievable just how amazing our love for you is when you are being love-bombed, it is unbelievable but you will not reject it because it feels so wonderful, so uplifting and so joyous. It is then unbelievable later that someone who loved you in such a way could suddenly stop doing so. Even later, you still find it unbelievable that it was fake. Surely we did love you? Surely we had those feelings for you? It is unbelievable that we could not have done. Do you see how this lack of believability can twist and turn, morphing into a new angle, yet remaining in place to confuse and puzzle you?

  1. Devaluation

It is unbelievable that somebody can turn so quickly from being loving to being awful. It is unbelievable that a person can behave in such a way towards somebody who they say that they love. It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for. It is unbelievable that this behaviour could last for as long as it did. It is unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and see what they are doing is wrong. It is unbelievable that they cannot be helped.

  1. Discard

It is unbelievable that someone can just vanish like that. It is unbelievable that someone can move on to someone else in the blink of an eye. It is unbelievable that the new target cannot see what is really happening. It is unbelievable that the new victim won’t accept what you tell them about us. It is unbelievable how we ignore you, refuse to speak to you and treat you like we never knew you after everything that has been said and done. It is unbelievable that you have been treated like this after everything that you did. It is unbelievable that he is saying so many lies and hurtful things to other people about you.

  1. The Post Discard Hoover

It is unbelievable that someone can just waltz back into your life like nothing has happened and carry on as normal. It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. It is unbelievable just how much you miss this person. It is unbelievable how he has said all those horrible things to other people and then brushes it to one side.

It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.

So many unbelievable matters and what is the cumulative effect of all this? You are bewildered, unable to comprehend what has happened, unable to make sense of it all and you are left a whirlpool of emotions. You are dizzy, disorientated and unable to pick a path to stick to in order to reach safety. You can be picked off again with ease by our kind.

To add to the sheer unbelievable nature of what you have endured is the fact that so few people can actually understand what has happened either. They may have been brainwashed by us, they may just not want to get involved or they just cannot understand how somebody can behave like that and think you are either exaggerating or they are so stunned they cannot offer you any practical assistance. The power of this lack of believability and the effect of disbelief are substantial and they act as double hammer blows against your recovery.

How do you tackle the sheer scale of disbelief from both you and those around you?

  1. Understand what you have been entangled with. Really understand.
  2. Understand that our kind operate in a different reality to you.
  3. Avoid over analysis of our motives. Until you grasp points one and two, such analysis is futile and detrimental.
  4. Do you really need so many people to believe you? Are you not propounding the pain by repeatedly explaining it to people who are unwilling or unable to help? Don’t approach this in a scattergun manner.
  5. Don’t seek answers from us. You won’t get them. Ever.
  6. Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
  7. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
  8. Read, read and read so you understand.
  9. Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.
  10. Use independent evidence, not just your say so, to support your position and break down disbelief.
  11. Accept some people will always be on our side. Don’t waste time trying to persuade them. You are not going to convince them.
  12. Don’t waste time trying to tell the world at large about how awful we are. You may want everyone to know but this is a futile exercise. We have already smeared you and you are just playing into our hands.
  13. Don’t bother attacking our façade unless you have the energy and credible independent evidence. You will use up valuable energy trying to tackle a wall that believes us and not you.
  14. Many people experience our kind but few people understand that they have done so. It is hard trying to persuade people that they have encountered a narcissist. We make it that way.
  15. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.
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56 thoughts on “Unbelievable – And How To Tackle It”

  1. When I read this in August I was a different person. I had no idea how to come to terms what I had just gotten myself out of.
    Everything I was learning from you was unbelievable. The fact that I discovered that she was a narcissist and now I was finding out that there were others that experienced the same thing was unbelievable.

    I can say that I don’t want her back and that I won’t contact her again. She was not my soul mate. She was not my destiny. She manipulated our whole relationship. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say any of that. I still am very emotional some days as most of you know.

    I think about this article often as it as stayed in by mind. I have found everyone of those 15 to be immensely helpful. Knowledge was a must for me and you has given me many many tools to work with.
    I do still find it unbelievable that I still miss her.
    Unbelievable that I still want to stalk her FB. ( I don’t )
    Unbelievable that she still has a hold on me. ( not as tight)
    Unbelievable that there were so many red flags that I dismissed.
    Unbelievable that I have PTSD after this relationship.
    It is Unbelievable that I found such a great teacher who has given me all the guidance and knowledge that I could ask for and that I found such kind and supportive readers here. I am very thankful.
    Should have written that on my thankful quilt at school. Lol

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  2. Like your book Exorcism this is a gem. Thank you. Useful insights and guidance. I take your recommendations literally and they are helpful, clear and useful. Always back to the basics.

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  3. I don’t bother anyone anymore trying to explain what happened. People don’t understand unless they’ve been there. I’ve done exactly as you say, focus on myself. I’m getting better as each day passes, leaving him behind. After reading your many insights into the narcissist, I’m leaving my emotions out of my assessments. There’s still alot to learn about me, him and the dynamic of the relationship.

    I have to laugh at the emotions that come thru the many comments you receive. If they could place themselves in the narc’s position, they might begin to understand the logic instead of reacting. It’s taken me 4-5 years of work on this, its not something that happens overnite. As a narcissist, this must give you overwhelming satisfaction…. fuel for another day. I know my ex would be pleased as punch with all the attention. However, he doesn’t have the velvety sophistication you do. Consider yourself blessed, you definitely have a rare gift from the gods.

    My ex is also British, now living in the UK. We were together off and on for 20 years. I discovered you during one of the many hoovering’s he did after he returned. The hooverings lasted three years, even tho he was involved with someone. He triangulated us on Skype. Played her just like me. I often have to ask myself if everything happened as you depict in your books, the answer is always yes it did. You often question reality after an experience with your kind, especially a prolonged one. I do have a few questions for you:

    1/ The Nomad mentality: You mentioned this briefly in one of your articles, other than that I haven’t really seen alot of information about it on your sites or others. We moved on the average of every six months. We could move into a house and within a few days he was looking for someplace different. It’s astounding when I look at our internet history, all the different locations. He once figured out all the places we had lived, he came up with 36, and we still had more years together after that. He didn’t have an answer as to why we moved so much, there was no discussion. He just told me that then walked away. I don’t know what he was thinking, he never told me.

    2/ “I’m not who you think I am”: By the nature of him saying this to me, wouldn’t that indicate that he knows who and what he is. He said this towards the end of our relationship, he also told me at the same time that he was married a third time. I knew about the prior 2 marriages, but not the third. After my release from his prison, I checked ancestry, and sure enough, he was married 3 times. He told me he married her and just decided to take a flight to the US, I met him a year after he was in the US. That was it, there was no discussion, no remorse, no explanation, even tho I asked for it. He just walked away. He also told me during an argument, about half way thru our relationship, that he never loved me, he was just using me. I was so shocked and hurt I had to prove him wrong. To bad I didn’t pay attention to that red flag, it would’ve saved me 10 years of heartache.

    I could ask more questions, but will close for now.

    Thanks again H. G. for what you do…..Mary

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  4. Great validation HG and great knowing. Unbelievable: Here is a person I have personally spoken with in regard to narcissistic behaviours via the narcopath’s actions and my evidence. See: this is breaking news in Queensland- an opportunistic predator using his background and experience to victimise young girls, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Wilson_(criminologist)

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-11-23/queensland-criminologist-paul-wilson-guilty-child-sex-offences/8051180

    This is my dream come true! Now I shall open up the can of worms- as I said, narcissistic person/s of interest are not immune to empaths seeking justice 🙂 Big Happy Grin. Did I suspect he was inclined to this form of abuse, No. Did I trust a criminologist to be’ the be and end all behind his mask, No. HG you are correct, they are all around us in every high profile position and profession right down to the lower of narcissist using their workplace as a tool for benefits.

    Remember how I have written about having these behaviours given the approach that is necessary as victims continue to be undermined by narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths and was hit up with a comment that basically said, what are you going to do, stop narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths from being in society. The answer to that is yes, that is my mission and strong vision. One state after another and the fishing out of those that have influence and work behind our backs to refuse justice to the those suffering great injustices and those’ include the people in positions we trust most. This is not exclusively a campaign to weed out the weed-seeds of the male gender only, it applies to the women hiding behind masks and placing women sufferers at further risk. Our state is in chronic and epidemic need of a strategic method of awakening our people to the behaviours and actions that largely are undiagnosed and leaving our women brutally treated and given no regard. Each day here there is news at hand of the violence toward partners, ex partners, children and animals. Death is often the result and consequence of an accepting culture and things are about to change for our state.

    Anyone who views the breaking down of one courageous woman and just one where my insistence has been shown about this scourge, a left wing ALP girl and continues to make excuses or condones this is unbelievable! Our opposition leader Bill Shorten has received much from me and I shall continue to embark on this mission until our party has the solution in hand.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3963430/Labor-MP-Lindsay-Emma-Husar-breaks-parliament-speaks-domestic-violence-devastated-family.html

    Local MP’s should be engaged for anyone that is suffering the effects of abuse by these means and I shall insist on a new strategy being implemented into the act and the bill shall be passed. Emma Husar had had enough as have we all. She has the support of the opposition leader and various MP’s, One does not have to have a perfect and unblemished life to make enough noise or become a leader to create and bring about change.

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    1. The US election revealed a whole lot of corruption in governments. The connecction to HG’s kind is hard to miss now that Ive read so much. You’re right about stopping them though. It won’t be easy.

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      1. Yes, the computer votes in three key areas are believed to be have been tampered with. Lawyers are collecting the evidence however the white house just wants a smooth transition now and no hiccups. Blind acceptance even if the evidence was irrefutable. There is a tidal wave, the tsunami is jus broiling, change is occurring. There is something larger at play and the corrupt are getting pulled in left, right and centre. Cold cases are being dredged up and solved. Elderly men who thought they had near reached their longevity undetected are coming undone and being exposed. Murders of children are being broadcasted and one should never become immune to the serious plague that would condition us to simply turn our head and look the other way. We must think like them, to a degree and marginalise our efforts in chunks. One sector at a time. The link provided is interesting to watch and observe as she starts to speak about domestic violence, the men are quite oblivious to it and almost act like completely deafened beings. As it intensifies and she not only tells her story, but shows it they start to come to terms with the fact that like, hey this is not the place, but whoa we cannot stop it, she is not going to cease speaking until she demonstrates 36 years of domestic violence plaguing her life. I applaud her and am so humbled yet so very honoured for her addressing it the way she did, because despite those submissions made by passionate and determined individuals and groups, it must be demonstrated. The royal commission into youths in detention was very intense, yet to read it in a newspaper, internet or hear snippets via the media does not have the same delivery as demonstration.

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      2. Our world is in strife. My part of the world is like glimpsing out at a tight rubber band about to snap. There is not a lot of beauty in the largest out of control drug epidemic of it’s kind with no solutions. Our morgues are being filled with bodies- overdoses, suicides, murders, homicides, drownings, children, babies. Our treatment of animals is a massacre, our healthy side of narcissism is being pushed to the right, where HG explains it on the spectrum. This is the war. All of it.

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      3. PurpleRibbon, is that really you in your profile pic? If so, you’re gorgeous and I love your lipstick shade. What is the name of that color? If its not you, I’m curious as to why you chose that pic. It doesn’t coincide with everything you’ve been posting. Oh and if you know the brand and color of that lipstick, please let me know. Thanks

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      1. I never saw the DM article until you posted it Purple .
        I watched & cried . 🙁

        I don’t feel I’m inspirational at all lol but I think proof that finding the answers is definitely the way forward x
        Ty .

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  5. “It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. ”

    Intermittent reinforcement – hot&cold behaviour, with that initial lovebombing, makes us addicted to the lovebombing memory.
    Tests on animals have shown this.
    Casinos/slot machines, use the same psychology.

    The ghosting, silent treatment, discard, causes extreme suffering in our brains. Cortisol, stress, which all terribly miss the dopamine and the oxytocin which you gave us in the beginning.
    “We miss who we wish you were”
    I gather that casanovas have used this intermittent behaviour for thousands and thousands of years in human history.
    Statistically it gives you a lot of sex => many children, offspring, to inherit the behaviour.
    So I think this phenomenon is very rooted and old.

    The risk of falling for an N is probably the highest for individuals who had a toxic parent or sibling. We have been taught that treating us this way is ok.

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    1. On point. I was obsessed with the chemical angle of how addictive these types of relationships are and viewed it almost like a detox from a chemical dependency before I could even comprehend the logic to start moving on. Again, since you can never get a real conversation with real closure from these types it just adds to the turmoil.

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    2. CB the health impact comes from the cellular through to death. Death without violence from a cellular level affecting each body system let alone with violence and scientific findings back it up for sure. There is an increased probability of risk in hooking up with a narcissist if there has been a conditioning in childhood and so many testimonies support this, however not in my case and others.
      I know what has happened in my case and cannot speak for others who were not raised with any notion of toxicity. That for me is the highest source of pain. My father once said, I never treated you badly, never layed a hand on you, had no need and along comes a predator. He was furious and I distinctly remember him asking a cop to hand over his gun and turn his back for five minutes and stating to the cop, he would do time for it, if it meant his daughter could be free of the scum. Another memory of the N saying this to me: You think you are a princess don’t you, you don’t know what it is like to be burned do you? I think I have written on this somewhere here before as it is another one of those deep bones of contention with me. This is not unlike what happened to Dianna Princess of Wales in many ways. Here she was minding her own business, happily bobbing along working with kids, then she was selected, by someone called a Prince that had no intentions of leaving his primary source Camilla PB but she was not going to fit the x factor for Princess. Dianna was beautiful inside and out and the same could not be said for Camilla PB. So this young woman very much an empathic was placed on an artificial pedestal only to receive a blunt kick off it, starting in the honeymoon! Charles was and is no oil painting, so as far as I am concerned he is the classic example of a narcissist for what he did to Dianna Princess Of Wales. The looks that Elton John gave them when singing, goodbye England’s Rose could at the funeral cut the air with a sword. Croc tears from the Queen when the camera’s were on. Dianna’s sons have reflected their mother well.

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      1. I am going to have to take issue with you about Diana. Whilst you are correct that Charles always wanted Camilla, but could not have her because she was married at the time she was not (assuming that Prince Charles is a narcissist) a primary source to him. Diana was a manipulative individual who had liaisons with Will Carling, Oliver Hoare and James Hewitt. There were suspicions about her relationships with Barry Mannakee (her bodyguard) and David Waterhouse as well as numerous others. She courted the interest of many suitors during her marriage. Hoare cooled his relationship with Diana because he was receiving nuisance calls which turned out to be from Diana herself. She manipulated the media (witness the toe curling, looks-from-under-the-fringe interview with Martin Bashir). There is plenty more which might be written but suffice to say to portray her as some kind of saint would be to omit much of the behaviours which went on. Much of it of course turns on perspective. Some regard Diana’s behaviours as the response of a woman who felt isolated by the royal family when the marriage foundered and thus she was trying to protect herself. Others regard her as a master manipulator of the media who courted many men and revelled in the attention she received based on her undoubted physical attractiveness, perceived People’s Princess image and ought to have conducted herself in a more appropriate fashion. Suffice to say neither side emerges unblemished.

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      2. HG neither side was unblemished however Charles was how many years her senior and it was a recipe for disaster from the beginning and his passion was not for the people’s princess so he also courted the media.

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      3. Please forgive me if I offend anyone but Prince Charles does not appear very bright to be a narcissist. Not even a lesser because he is too calm. If anything, I saw him as a puppet manipulated by the women around him. Mr. Tudor, your statements about Diana are very provocative. If she truly was a narcissist, then she must have been a very high functioning one because she managed to fool the world. PupleRibbon, I don’t think Prince Harry has reflected his mother well at all. He comes across as a confused spoiled rich kid.

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      4. Hello Love, intelligence has nothing to do with whether you are a narcissist or not, it merely impacts upon the type that you are. I met Prince Charles (and Camilla) once. He was friendly and shorter than I imagined him to be (his sons are both over six feet in height) although Diana was tall. Camilla is very engaging and has a wicked sense of humour.
        As for Diana, the fact that “she managed to fool the world” accords precisely with what narcissists do, we fool people.
        Prince Harry is well regarded in the UK.
        It is interesting when one seeks to analyse an institution such as the royal family. We rarely see the private side and the individuals concerned have not clambered up the greasy pole of power, wealth and influence but were born to it. Thus they have always had privilege. This of course is a breeding ground for our kind but at the same time, being placed in this position can distort the reality of what somebody is.
        It is fair to say however that the whole Charles – Diana – Camilla etc scenario is one which nearly everyone has an opinion on especially the UK newspaper the Daily Express which continues at times as if Diana was still alive.

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      5. Thank you. May I ask what Prince Harry has done to be so well regarded in the UK? All I’ve read about is his temper, drinking, partying, and the many girlfriends.

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      6. He is seen as bit of a lad, he gets stuck in with the charity work, he has undertaken army service in Afghanistan for which he was praised, he is friendly with people and has good interpersonal skills. He is red-head so the temper goes with that, he is young so people accept (because he is the spare not the heir) him partying.

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      7. Love: No matter what they will be considered to be the boys (even though they are men) of the Princess of Wales & Charles. Diana the grandmother of the offspring and Charles the grandfather. Due to the sentiment around Diana to this day and forward, Harry was considered the rascal and maintains that to a degree. When I wrote that they reflected their mother earlier, their humanitarian and activism schedules including Diana’s influence in unveiling old traditions and rebelling has been good for the Monarch. The less conservative bloodlines of the Royal family contribute to this and due to this they are now personable.’ Diana was instrumental in taking what was stuffy and of little interest to some in creating real people’, to the public. Her sons have achieved that very much.

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      8. Ok if not intelligence then a porn star…? how about Rocco Stiffredi. is he a narcissist? I know he got himself a wife and two kids and made himself retired for the sake of a family and marriage… sounds weird…

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      9. I just watched a show with Andrew Morton and googled ‘was Charles a narcissist?’ and ended up here. I’m not sure. I don’t think Diana was one. But she had to learn narcissistic ways to get what she wanted. Perhaps she was Borderline.

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  6. I needed this HG. The Thanksgiving holiday is nearly upon us here in the States and it is all I can do not to give in to his last Hoover.

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      1. I recommend you understand first of all what is being used against you and why – therefore read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit, Fuel and Black Flag.

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      2. I’m not that familiar with all of this. In fact not at all. What I do know is that he has manipulated me in every which way. I worshipped him, and he took things I did for him and twisted them into bad things. Working on his bday to buy him an expensive gift meant I did it for my own recognition not for him. I was told had I cared, I would have been there. Next bday. I was there, no expensive gift. He told me i didn’t care because I didn’t get him something very nice. His bday is coming up in 5 days. Should I buy a hooker and leave the house so as to not hear his disdain? I don’t think it’s possibly for me to actually understand it. I’m trying. Help HG. I need a clean break. 5 years into this hell

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  7. Bonnie, I hope you see this post. Be sure to read “Ask The Narcissist” and “Ask 2: The Narcissist Answers.”
    They’re full of questions that we (victims) asked HG on this blog to answer and it’s an amazingly helpful collection of answers.

    You can sign up for Kindle and read all of his books, too. That’s what I did, signed up for Kindle just to read HG. And I read them over and over.

    No one can top his books on the subject of Narcissism. He’s the best. I believe all of his books are now in print, too. His books are worth the investment, because the information inside is priceless. And his advice will change your life for the better.

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    1. I saw it. I’ve been reading. Its so exhausting. I see it but I still don’t understand it. All the conversations. All the times. How? How do you just try to kill somebody after all of that? It doesn’t make any sense. I will download the books. Thank you.

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      1. Bonnie- I feel for your situation. Buy him nothing! Spend that money on you, it may be not part of you to do this, believe me you will wish you had. Don’t acknowledge his birthday, in fact disappear and go out with friends, family and if that is not an option- get out of the environment and start to offload your personal paperwork now, when he is not around. If there is no one you can trust then hire a very small storage area advertised for storage under furniture storage category at a reputable place. Pack several bags that contain essentials be it toiletries, medications, clothing, nightwear, lingerie, personal needs, makeup and keep it as a spare at the storage cubicle. Don’t rush the exit. Become unpredictable in the way of consistently stating you are not engaging with someone who clearly does not have the capacity for you that you need. Don’t answer his questions as to why- just be consistent in it. Remove yourself at every opportunity you can and create reason. Do what narcissists do and HG has spoken of if even you are making up people that don’t exist. Eg: You are going back down the road, as you left something back at the shops and they said, it was being held at the checkout. Don’t come back for ages, find something to do and you will find that the negative energy of him is only real power over you in the same environment. Yes, you will feel hollow but get around people. Go to a park even if you have to pull yourself up literally, you have to do this. Do not tell him about people you meet. Don’t disclose anything to him about you and if it is to abate a line of questioning, do what narcissists do and throw him something most further from the truth. Don’t isolate yourself. I hate lies, absolutely do but I ask for forgiveness in the most pressing of times where it is imperative for my safety. Take care of you. x

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  8. Knowledge is our power, Bonnie. The more you read the easier it is to let go. It takes time, but it will happen. I’m in an entirely different state of mind (much more positive) thanks to HG’s blogs, books, and advice. He will teach you to “seize the power” and take back your life by going No Contact and avoiding future Hoovers. I am so thankful to him for answering so many of my questions along the way, too. Now I understand what I was dealing with. That never would’ve happened if it wasn’t for Mr. Tudor.

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  9. HG,

    If you truly are a narcissist, I think the therapy is working. This is beautifully written, true help.
    ❤️

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  10. It’s all about my stupid wrongly wired brain as a codependent plus Hormones. .. I am shocked while trying to aknowledge that not only Narcissists can’t love us… WE can’t healthy love them too its pathologically bond our brain creates ones in their arms… Very powerful they are…

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  11. Love: no that was a gravatar stuff up. An image downloaded for another reason onto + images gravatar. The colour I believe is of many fuschia purple lipstick ranges. Chi Chi lip crayons have this colour and they are moisturising and can be purchased by the five pack. All of the colours are equally lovely and some baby flat pale shell pink in the pack to the purple you are looking for 🙂 The chi chi range is great for full lips and have a wide crayon and they remain on for a lengthy amount of time.

    FYI I am on a mission and fluctuate with moments of rebelliousness and defiance due to narcissistic abuse. Any emotion other than despair cuts it for me atm and helps me to remain as strong as I can be.

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    1. Ooooooh I love it! I just looked up Chi Chi cosmetics and I’m ordering. Thanks so much for letting me know. The colors are spectacular!

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    2. Hi PRH…your last 3 lines resonate the most.
      As a long time fan of the Blues Brothers, I will liken myself to them in that I too am on a mission from God to save the Orphanage…which in this case is me first this time and then anyone else.

      Most of my life was spent in the pursuit of making others happy first because if they were happy I could rest easier.
      We know where that kind of attitude and lifestyle begins… from extreme turmoil.

      We understand your torment, your passion and your goal.
      Right now you are all over the map and flooded with a tremendous amount of pent up everything and are trying to find a way to exercise it all.

      It is a long journey filled with perilous obstacles.

      Make sure you are grounded and safe first in order to do your best works.

      While I was (and still partially am now) in the same state you are referring to being in now, I achieved some of my most impressive payback moments that I will admit were driven by pure adrenalin and rage.

      I had to pull energy from places within me that I did not wish to have to exist for me.
      It was a further cost in the end to my recovery as the situations are now different but will still never go away.

      I lived and learned from all 3 genres of Narcissists 52 years now…worked around all mental health diagnosed individuals for over 3.5 years myself at a very young age and have studied at length all my life alcholism, (alcholic father quit cold turkey at age 40) drug addiction, (mother worked at the drug dependency center 26 years) and I have dabbled all my life.
      I have a legal script for such now here in Canada for my own purposes due to chronic pain.
      I have read more pharmacology books than most nursing students and everything I could get my hands on from a young age revolving around mental health issues etc.
      Any given moment because of my borderline and C-Ptsd, etc, when angered or triggered I will emulate / mirror any one of their personalities back to them or one of the other as sometimes I don’t know which one will surface. The lessor response is what I have to be the most mindful of !!

      I have had extensive CBT therapy which only helps at times when I can remain mindful of the outcome of my outbursts.

      I wish you the best on your journey. <3 X's

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      1. Hi Elaine B-Slade,
        Thank you for your advice. I’ve heard everything you have said and thank you for sharing. You have had a tough ride no doubting it. Arriving at this site as many who have are not here by accident. The past and present are felt together in my being with amazing clarity and recall, it has been that way since a small child. I can remember details right back to three months of age, smells and the voices spoken. Eg: Three months of age with feeling embarrassed. I recall it vividly. How does a twelve week new baby feel embarrassment, it is not logical nor feasible. Yet I can recall the smell of calamine lotion, I can recall the smell of water and an iron. I can hear the voice of my grandmother saying the poor little lamb and feeling embarrassment at having the calamine lotion applied. Much to my dislike at living so sensitively this is a snippet of how deep my awareness is and I am well aware of my behaviour currently. My first ten days in school were disappointing as I was given challenge after challenge and remember again most vividly, including the smell of the coloured fraction rod set, the colours, the readers that I was asked to go through until I had read each. I remember my dismay at having to leave the class to be accelerated up higher. My senses are how I interpret my world as that is why we have them. My immune system is highly sensitive, I won’t go on about this as it is not anything recognised like aspergers or any spectrum disorder. Plain and simple it is that every part of me is highly sensitive so sensitive that I am autoimmune and so on. One could suggest that if I am this sensitive, then I would surely and carefully choose the way my words may impact on others, including my behaviour and actions. That was the easy part until I soaked up far more than I should have after leaving my parental home and through my involvement with narcissists.

        I am very fortunate not to have had any cruelty or bad blood so to speak in my home environment. I was influenced I guess to follow one path and that path was looked up to in that my father saved lives, that’s what he did professionally. My mother was a neat freak and that was her thing and she and my father had a very soft spot for animals and although they cost a lot to maintain, there was never an animal turned away and they were vetted immediately for desexing etc and my bond with animals today is attributed to my parents for allowing me to be the free spirit and curious adult that I am today. There was a balance and I can say that I was blessed in many ways and gifted in many ways until those gifts were targeted by the opposite sex, to the point that I have done everything that I can to eliminate them. I have been prayed over, I have relinquished them back to God and was told that if he did not remove them, they were by his will to remain in place.

        Hg talks of a sixth sense, somewhere and I share in that as do most empaths, intuitives again so much so that it has saved my life many times and it has been very difficult to have the gift of precognition. Precognition is when you know in advance exactly how something most random will occur and what day, how it will be executed and you get a glimpse into the future through empathy, not crystal balls, nor silly cards, nor obvious occult methods to try or cold readings, that type of thing. Very complex and really difficult to live it once then warn and live it again if that makes sense.

        There is much I have to piece together and due to the way that I have acquired the experiential living of it from the narcissists (partners) I was quickly able to have their mail and was not deluded by their acts. I have almost been hit with a full transference of what hides behind their masks, veil and only ended up at sites such as this not to make sense of it, not even really for validation but out of a pressing mission that is pushing me in between the shoulders gently to do and it is not for me to refuse because I could easily as not and would not be triggered. There is set of coordinates that are being heavily set in place and the push is coming from somewhere external or the god conscience internally and is not able to be simply swiped aside.

        I shall leave it there, We are having our experience in the flesh and for some it is without much mishap and for others it is a battle daily. To ignore the higher call and perhaps adopt the hard shell of the narcissist is a defence mechanism at this part of my journey and it is most displeasing to God, however he knows why and it also gives me great insight into the pain that lays deep within the narcissist to have developed that exterior. Recalling a sermon between my pastor and his wife at the time. Being that woman was cleaved from Adams rib was that neither was above, but side by side. The spiritual connection in matrimony is powerful and one may take some strength from the other and one may take the softness of the other to become refined. I truly believe that and the mix or marriage of (as soil with the marrying of elements) offends me when my spirit is being trespassed due to the narcissist allowing legal trespass by the enemy. The holy spirit once known and rebuked is not my doing, to him though who knew the holy spirit and done so is to constantly return to dog vomit. Being a very feeling person, my vessel feels and discerns too much for my liking, or comfort.

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