The Denial of Closure
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you be instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and sounds, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
20 thoughts on “The Denial of Closure”
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I guess our positive thinking gets in the way at times so ET might be on the cards yet I’m putting ut there that I’m grateful. Grateful for my learning, even if it is at my expense. I can’t change the past, I can only alter the future, now with a different perspective. Thanks HG for another closure! I read this about 3 months ago and even though I wasn’t embedded to the degree some are, I finally did get that closure I was looking for. Kudos!
After years of so many cycles of love bomb, devalue, discard (without closure), he gave me closure for the first time. Does this mean he’s not a narcissist? He has a new girlfriend. Is it finally over?
I blocked him. However, he always has found a way around it through flying monkeys. The closure was uncharacteristically mature and actually kind. So confused.
Great question, Monarch! I have been thinking the same with my situation. After this latest round, he actually said “goodbye.” His reasoning appears to match the moment. I am now questioning me in my thoughts of him being a narcissist.
Regardless if yours is a narcissist or not, you deserve better than being treated with devaluation or discard multiple times. You deserve happiness and peace, not egg shells and confusion.
Thank you, “Getting There”. That helps- your last paragraph, especially. You’re right. It doesn’t matter if he is a narcissist or not. I’ve been treated with cruelty for years. He has only had his best interest at heart. You’re obviously kind (I see that from your compassion in commenting) and deserve better too. Thanks again. My heart physically hurts today. I wish I could erase all memory of him. I’m getting beat up in an emotional sea today for sure.
Just read this from HG in “Does the Narcissist Really Want to Change?”- “The Middle Mid Ranger and Upper Mid Ranger have sufficient cognitive function to realize that their behaviour causes a problem. This is where many victims (understandably) are fooled into thinking that the narcissist is actually showing insight (indeed this often causes them to either think that the narcissist is not a narcissist, or that he is but he can actually change) . The MMR or UMR may acknowledge that his actions cause hurt and problems, however, he or she will never accept ownership of the hurt and problems.”
This is what happened, I think. I was about to put my guard down thinking there will never be another hoover because he gave me “closure” and I was wrong all these years in thinking he was a narc. No. I think the above is what happened. He wants to enjoy his new supply without the “bother” of me but he wants me to think he’s mature and changed in the discard. Perhaps he knows it will open a door for a hoover in the future IF he needs it AND if I think he’s a good person who does the right thing by giving closure (which he’s never done before). He realizes I won’t answer to a hoover if I think he’s rotten because he knows I’ve had enough. So, he’s leaving as a mature, enlightened man. I was successfully “No Contact” for two years this last time until he figured out how to hoover me successfully through a very pitiful pity-play. And he truly thinks he’s a good person who is a victim. This is why he’s done such horrible things- he’s a poor little victim-angel in his deranged mind and he has done what he has had to do.
Just praying I can GO ‘n’ SO this time.
HG answers everything if you search. Thanks, HG.
Thank you so much, Monarch! You are very sweet!
I’m so sorry for your heart break and am glad that you are finding the answers in reading here! Seeing through his facade will help if or when he tries to return. Good job on the two years before! You have the strength to do what you need now.
I know what it is like to finally find your stability and then you are back to where you thought you would never be. Personally I am more angry at me than at him this time.
I have been asked by family and friends the same great question NA asked you: when are you done? You have taken a hard and strong step of going no contact. You are here and hopefully you do consult with HG. My guy once said “I am done when you are done.” Monarch, one day you will be DONE in your mind and in your heart. It will be then that the door he tried to leave open by being “mature” will be plastered shut. It hurts, it sucks, but you are not alone. There are some, like me, swimming with you. There are others already on the dry land ready with the wine to celebrate your arrival.
Monarch
If he is a narcissist it is never over in his mind. HG says it isn’t over until one of you dies. More importantly, have you decided that it’s over? You do not have to leave that decision to him.
I have made that decision many times but have failed. I am weak. It’s gone on, I’m ashamed to say, for years. He was my first love (college) and I have never gotten over him. He fits every characteristic of an upper midrange. Just when I think I am over him, well-blocked, well-informed, prepared to karate chop any expected hoover- Poof! He reappears by finding a loophole in my blocks, has a new tactic to weasel his way back in, love bombs, devalues, and Poof! Gone-usually with no explanation. This time he explained why he ghosted. He apologized. He said he knows he was unfair. But he’s started seeing someone and is happy. I was expecting evasion or silence. Not closure. It threw me into a spin. I’m a mess and angry at myself for wanting the hope I get from “no closure”. In a sick way, it helps to understand that he’s a narcissist and, therefore, it’s not me. But this “granting closure” makes me think it IS me. HG gave me the advice to GOSO. I tried. I failed.
About to read “Emotional Sea” posts. TY
Monarch
You will read here that people try and fail many times. That doesn’t mean that you are weak. As I understand it, you are in the grip of addiction (and for a very long period) which hijacks any logic you acquire and reverts you back to purely emotional thinking. There is no closure for a narcissist, so it seems to me to be merely a ruse. He will return, and your honesty in wanting the hope from no closure evidences the extent of your addiction. Have you consulted with HG? He can explain better why your narc has presented in this way this time (which has differed from the past) and help you to navigate it. You are not weak, you need help, and empaths can try to help comfort you, but only HG can provide you the inside knowledge of what is really going on and a plan for you to circumvent it.
Thank you, NarcAngel. Such a great reply- made me tear-up. I think I consultation would help. I will def. look into that. I’ve read several of his books and devoured this blog. This is the only narc-site on the internet that makes sense to me.
Monarch
You’re very welcome. I’m glad that you are here reading and interacting and am confident that HG can provide the information and tools to have you succeed.
It hurts so much to read this article HG.
HG,
You could quite possibly be the hope for humanity, to save us all from this condition… Yourself included. Thank you.
I broke it off 10 months ago. He did try to Hoover me..I almost fell right back onto it. But I fought and prevailed. I told him something I believe he could never get past so he will want nothing to do with me. What is sick? Is I know how bad we were for each other, and yet he still is in my thoughts all day, everyday. I am no contact. I use these posts to remind myself and STILL I struggle! HG. Thank you. It’s truly a daily struggle and this has done tremendous good. The workings on our minds are insidious. I hope that mindful redirection will get me past this.
Hello Jezzabelle and thank you for reading. Yes it is a daily struggle and one which may well be the case for some time but by keeping reading and building your logic boat you will eventually get across the emotional sea as I have written about previously.
You explain everything in your writings so well hg. Thank you!!
Indeed I do and thank you for noticing Lizz.
“We will remain in the same circle of friends as you.”
Spot on.
Oh, shivering. He has really taken pains to calculate that.
For the past five months, post discard, I have always
“oops, can’t make it that night”
politely avoided to meet that gang of nice friends. (It is the N who hoovers and triangulates by sending me invitations. He has understood by now that he can’t get emotion/jealousy fuel from me, but it probably works on the new supply. Maybe she asks “She has said No 25 times by now! Why do you keep inviting her to hang out with us?” Just a guess of mine. I have no clue because i don’t contact them)
The gang includes the new supply (nice girl,an old friend, she texted me that he is a blessing and a fine, rare person. I politely changed the subject.)