Leave Him



I know what they say about me. I always know. I know they crowd around, earnest expressions etched across their made-up faces, their mouths flapping as they spout their supposed wisdom to you.

“We will be here for you. You have always got us.”

“If you are unhappy there must be something wrong.”

“It is not right to be treated like this.”

“You are not the person you used to be.”

Who are they to claim what is right for you? Have they held you on that cliff-top with the foaming ocean churning beneath us, the cool Atlantic air brushing past us as a canopy of stars hung overhead? Have they looked into your eyes and seen the pain that I know was there long before I came along, a pain that I have shouldered for you? Where were they when you called at 3am and asked that I tell you a story because you had just had a horrible nightmare? I do not recall them soothing you and keeping those night demons at bay. Do they know you inside out? I think not. They do not know every each part of you in the way that I do. Each delicate piece of you that I have kissed and caressed, so there is no place about your person that has not been embraced by me. They have not done that have they? Have they held your long tresses back and rubbed your back as you spewed those cocktails back up and groaned about what how much money you have just regurgitated? No. It was I who rode to your rescue as they wove their drunken way to another bar. They do not know your favourite ten songs and I will wager more than they earn that they have no inclination that you are frightened of geese.

Oh I know alright. I know about their messages which they send you. I have seen them and it is fortunate that I have so I can spare you from the green-eyed lies. They do not have what we have and nor will they ever. One cannot blame them for their wretched jealousy, they are just flesh and blood, but are they your true friends when they seek to pour such sedition in your ears when my back is turned? Ought they not to be happy for you, delighted that you want to spend so much time with me. Do they not see that your sadness on occasions is borne out of your deep and perfect love for me, that such is our connection that you justifiably feel upset when you irk me or irritate me. I know you do not mean to do it and that is why I have not pushed you aside like those other pretenders who came before you. You understand what it is to have found someone who fulfils all your hopes and your dreams and you understand my pain when you slight me or let me down. Yet, since you are such a good person, my upset becomes your upset but they do not see it. I suppose if I was charitable I might ascribe their short-sightedness to the fact that they lack your special qualities. Only you understand me and only you have that deep-seated bond with me so that what I feel resonates with you. That is who you are and who they are not.

I heard them caution you about moving in together, their comments about “undue haste” and “it is too early” and “he wants you where he can see you.” Well, why should I not?Why should I not have my number one fan with me as often as I can? Why would you want to be anywhere else?Why would I not want to have someone so pretty and wonderful as you besides me? Does not every winner want to show off his trophy? Of course.

I know they have cautioned you about my temper and urged you to depart, claiming that it will only get worse and you will suffer. They mistake passion for temper, but then they would wouldn’t they, it suits their selfish purposes to try and bring down what you and I have. People usually do that when they do not understand something. It is a predictable and regrettable response.  As for their remarks about me controlling you, how can that be so? I chose you for so many things and chief amongst those attributes was the attraction of your strong mind and keen intelligence. So what if I suggest what you might wear and how you should do your hair, I am taking an interest. Would you prefer it if I never commented on how you looked or made no suggestion as to what suited you? I know a couple of them think I stop you seeing them, but that is just more of their campaign of slander. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but the times I have asked you to cancel plans to see some of your friends was only because I wanted to be with you. Perhaps I sounded firmer than I intended, I suppose that might happen when you spend all day working hard to support a relationship, it does make one tired. Do not be concerned by their observations that I make all the decisions about what we do, where we go and how our money is spent. I am happy to bear such a burden for us both and you have admitted, have you not, that I do know more than you about certain things. I am only doing what is right for you, for me and most of all for us. Of course, they do not bother to gain possession of all the facts. They would much rather whisper untruths in your ear based on hearsay and ill-informed perspectives. I suppose that is a price I have to pay for loving you so totally, so completely and so perfectly.

Still, I know they urge you to leave me. I am no fool. I have overheard their comments, heard what they say when they telephone you and seen the messages. I know they want you to depart and escape me. Well, do it. Go. Leave everything that we have built up together. Leave my guiding hand and perhaps someone more grateful will come along. I do not want that but why should my largesse and love be abused in this way? Why should I pour my all into an empty hole? Go do it. Pack your bags and leave. I will not stop you. See. If I controlled you would I not be begging you to stay and pleading with you to ignore them? If I pulled your strings as they accuse me of doing so would I not be threatening you now with all manner of terrible consequences if you had the audacity to step through that door and way from me? But I have not and I do not, because you already know don’t you? That is why I chose you. But I shall not stand in your way. If it really is awful being with someone who only ever has your best interests at heart and who loves you perfectly, albeit sometimes clumsily and erratically, then leave me. Just leave.

I know you won’t though. I know.

51 thoughts on “Leave Him

  1. Indy says:

    If you haven’t seen this page before, I thought I would share. It is a long list of different attorneys, housing options including long term Safe Homes, and other things:

  2. she says:

    What if you know should leave them because you know longer love him BUT you are stuck with him (no excuses) he knows you’re stuck because he’s made it so. You’re stuck like a mouse running around in a cardboard box with no exits. People tell me to leave like it’s the easiest thing to do BUT it’s not and these people I’d really just like to sock in the mouth. But ultimately here are the reasons why we stay


    My narc knows he’s got me in a position where I’m financially dependent, I have no friends because they’ve deserted me, I have no real supportive family, he knows I tried every domestic abuse service there is to offer and all they do is send you to a shelter, yeh HES LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF MY STRUGGLE. HE KILLING ME WITH HIS SILENT TREATMENTS AND ITS ALWAYS BEEN (from what I’ve observed) because I refuse to let him have sex with me just after he’s treated me like shit. So he goes on the treacherous silent treatment torture which this time has lasted for three years, it seems like he’s waiting until I cave. Well ,I’m not. I have too much respect for myself this time. A therapist told me that if it’s not consensual which it’s NEVER been, that’s its marital rape. I told him that the next time he forces me to have sex with him I would call the police and since then he has treated me like shit. That’s been three years, but before that its been 15 years because we have been married for a total of 17 years with only one child who is finally 17. I tell myself that I will leave when he turns 18, where the hell am I going to go? I have no job. I haven’t worked in forever. I can’t work because I suffer from major depression which of course hasn’t gotten better because of the environment I live in, we only have one car which when he gets really mad because I stand up for myself or I “talk back” he will take away my car priveledges, he won’t buy me any groceries, etc. He is a cruel man. Most times it feels like he’s the epitome of a narcissist. What makes it even worse is that other women just love to suggest that I do this and I just do that when they have no idea what I’d already tried. I’m just stuck.

    1. Indy says:

      Dear She,
      It is incredibly hard to leave and even more so when you are a hostage in your own home. Mentally and physically. I’m so sorry you are there. I know I’m not you, though my very first relationship in life was similar. I left early, when my baby was 3 my months old as he stopped paying for heat, food and went out drinking and threatened me. I left with everything I owned in garbage bags. Fortunately, I had family that took me n, but it didn’t stop there. He stalked me for years in my small town of 3000 and threatened my life and threatened kid napping my child. I left town, i disappeared to escape..only my parents knew where. It was hard as hell. I could only do this with the help of Domestic Violence counselors and my parents. I was 19 when I left this man and 22 when I disappeared. I can’t tell you What to do, but I do know that your safety comes first.
      Small steps first….he has weakened you and it’s hard to think straight in such abuse. First step is make a plan with a counselor (domestic violence places often have free counseling and may pick you up or arrange a taxi)….this is your first step, a plan without telling him. Get a ride, if you can. The plan comes first and this is hard to do alone. They can connect you to resources you may not know of and give you support through the process. Not ideal ones at first, and it’s just a start.

      If depression is disabling for you to get or keep a job, you can also apply for disability funds. I had depression, I know it is brutal. But first things first…..an escape plan. Now, yes, shelters are not ideal though they are temporary until u can get financial support and they help connect you….it is NOT easy, and I understand how he has kept you a prisoner. It’s time to plan your escape, you can do this! Some people take months to plan….if you are able to buy HGs books on Departure imminent, do so. If you can’t, read here what you can on leaving….and get counselor support on planning the leave.

      I am not sure it helps, but I’m routing for you!!! It’s hard as hell, keep trying!! You are worth it!!

      Light and healing vibes,

      1. BraveHeart says:

        Beautifully said, Indy!

      2. she says:

        Yes, yes, yes, and yes to all of your delimmas you’ve mentioned above. If only I’d had friends or family, God if only!
        I swear I’ve tried everything you’ve mentioned above but people refuse to believe me when I tell them that not everything works out so well for someone else as they did for another. Like you, I go to Women’s Abuse Supportive place, yes the only option or service that I was able to take advantage of was the counseling. I still go and thank goodness that it’s free. The other options (for me) weren’t so positive. They offered legal aid. I was disqualified twice. They never tell you why, but I presume it was because my narc wasn’t kicking my ass. The other options were transitional housing which I was also unqualified for and if I were I’d have to go to a shelter until an opening came up. Of course other women came before me. Then I went to a shelter, I lived in one for SEVEN weeks,vdid my narc call? No. Did he even act concerned as to where or why I ran away? No. But while I was in the shelter I was terrified to death! They let any old crazy person in there. They steal, bully, treat you like shit, make you do chores, threaten you if you won’t let them bum rides, the treacherous women who gossip and stab you in the back. It was just horrible and I had to sleep with one eye open.
        I too suffer from depression. My narc loves this. He keeps me in this back bedroom and it is my doghouse cage. I don’t come out ever. I feel like an outsider living with two billies, my husband and my 17 year old possibly narcissist son. I have no job, am on SSD,. The last I tried to put away money from it, I only saved $1000 and that took an entire YEAR. I have no vehicle and must beg to use the car. He never buys me groceries. I hate him.
        Life sucks!

        1. BraveHeart says:

          She, you already answered my question about shelters. I don’t blame you one bit. Maybe we need to get some great women together and create “Safe Havens”. I’m in the US, I’d be more than happy to help a woman in your place escape, but the narc would have to stay back … WAYYYY BACK!!!

          BraveHeart 🙂

          1. she says:

            My narc could care less about me. All he’s ever wanted was our son all to himself. He’s been envious. He’s wanted to play best friend to our son for years. My son has already broken my heart. He loves his father more than me. My heart is broken but he’ll be 18 next year. My job is done. My heart is broken but my job is done because he has told me as well that he doesn’t need me either. 😢

        2. Indy says:

          Hi She,
          Is it ok if I brainstorm a bit and think of other ideas? I know shelters can be hairy. Just brainstorming ideas…sometimes it takes more than one or two heads to think of ideas: 1.How about applying for section 8 housing?
          2. If you were approved for SSI disability, then legal aid could help with divorce papers.
          3.Restraining Orders if he is verbally threatening you or not feeding you. You can get him kicked out of home if he doesn’t buy food got you and your son.
          4.resesrch and call domestic violence shelters out of town or state. Rural areas can have some good shelters, like in states that are more funded (Vermont, cali, Washington,) not sure what state you are in. Travel to another town or state for domestic violence shelters there…some are better than others.
          If I think of other ideas I’ll post.
          Keep planning with your counselor, I’m so glad you have one that understands abuse.
          Peace and hang in there!

          1. she says:

            Thank you, Indy
            1. done it- list is forever long
            2. done it- got turned down twice
            3. He uses silent treatments or refuses to speak to me at all, so he’d never verbally abuse me
            4. done it and was even more terrified after I did

          2. Indy says:

            I hear that you have been trying everything. Ugh, I know that s system is near impossible for women who are financially abused. Is it ok if I ask why legal aid refused to help with divorce? Or was it something else they refused? Did they reject you for section 8 or is the wait list super long? If long, still get on the list. Are you on the wait list? It’s worth it. Plus some people drop off the list. You were more terrified when you had a restraining order or when you researched out f town shelters? I know, it is all very scary. Sending hugssssss….just trying to think of ideas…it’s totally normal to be depressed and feel scared and defeated in this….it’s abuse. You do not have to chin up, but please do not give up hon ❤️️

          3. BraveHeart says:

            Definitely get on any waiting list you can for housing. When I needed help with housing years ago, I was told it would be a two year wait. I was moving in 6 mos. later. It’s worth it to at least get on the lists. Just a question – I’m not a religious person, however, I am spiritual – have you tried going to a nearby church (whether it’s your religion or not) and asking them for help?

          4. Indy says:

            Excellent resource Braveheart! Churches do not require you to be part of their church or religion. Here in the South they do a lot of good! Even the Salvation Army and Goodwill are worth checking as they also have job opportunities for those that do not have experience and do training too.

          5. she says:

            1. I can only assume I was denied legal aid because either I was still living with my abuser OR I wasn’t physically abused but instead emotionally abused
            2. I got on section 8 a year and half ago, then my year came due. I got an email saying that I had to basically start all over again. Section 8 I’ve come to piece together is like Wheel of Fortune. You spin the wheel, if you’re chosen good, if not you start all over. Plus my counselor at Safe Haven told me something else negative about section 8 but I can’t remember what it was right now.
            3. When I searched out of town shelters, it only terrified me more because of the living conditions and when they talk about being at max. Sorta reminded me of Will Smith’s movie Pursuit of Happiness. I just cried while searching for a “home” and to think of myself going from shelter to shelter. You see, when I left my narc for the third time I made it as far as Austin TX, I was practically homeless. I saw the homeless on every street corner. I can’t imagine living like that again. Not me. Not again. I don’t deserve this. He does. I wrote this poem months ago depicting how I felt…


            Four walls and a roof
            With nothing else
            Sitting quietly on the floor
            With no one but yourself

            You play it over
            in your mind
            The material things
            that you had

            But when you think
            of what you gave up
            It only makes you

            Listening to people
            who in essense
            discounted how you

            Those people have
            no worries
            None like the ones
            you’ve been dealt

            Four walls and a roof
            With nothing else
            Staring at the cracks
            Silently crying for help

            Watching the cockroaches
            as they come and go
            Soon to become the only confidants
            you’ll know

            Hopes and dreams
            Fears and longing

            You wish you could
            close your eyes
            And make them appear
            and disappear

            insensitive people
            Preaching life should
            be as easy as 1-2-3

            When the less fortunate people’s lives
            have never worked that chronologically

            Four walls and a roof
            With a big ass hole
            Exposed to all elements
            And especially to
            your soul

            You wonder why it’s you
            That’s suffering here so
            While he’s living in comfort
            And you’ve no where to go

            Instead of being angry
            that he was the cause
            of why you’re here

            You blame yourself tremendously
            You should have
            been more aware

            Deprived of an essential human need
            Silence was always a punishment indeed

            Four walls and a roof
            Much like before
            living in solitude
            behind a closed door

            The loneliness never ends
            and now it’ll become worse
            Like living in a padded room
            Questioning if your life is a curse

            Have you gone
            from bad to worse?
            You ask yourself
            Could being alone
            alone drive one insane?

            Four walls and a roof
            These poverish conditions
            No positive intuitions
            Just continuous positions

            People shouldn’t tell you
            that life will get better
            Because it’s like making a guarantee

            But when you’ve done
            your best and still end
            up with less
            A shattered faith
            is what they’ll see

            Four walls and a roof
            Once again you feel imprisoned
            A voluntary admission
            This time of your own infliction

            You question yourself
            You second guess yourself
            Is alone the way
            you really want it to be?

            These decrepit old walls
            And rickety old floor
            Large whole in the roof
            Cockroaches under
            the floor

            Is living this way
            Still worth it anymore?

            But never ask
            a pretentious person
            because they’ll tell you
            that it is

            When they wouldn’t
            do it themselves
            So they need to
            quit talking shit

          6. Indy says:

            I deeply felt your poem, She. You share your constant torment, loneliness and pain and not a soul to understand or help. I hope that you see that we wish to help here. I hope it is a glimmer of hope and comfort for you. Is it ok if I continue to look for possible resources? I know you have tried a lot and if you do not wish to receive any more, I completely understand. Just feeling a need to connect you with someone. Do you feel helped by the counselor at the Domestic Violence center?

          7. she says:

            Yes, I love my counselor. She’s wonderful. Everyone is stumped in my and many other women’s predicaments it’s just no one has ever dug this far or even said anything about it actually. My first advisor at One Safe Place ( another provider of women’s abuse services, was touched as well and said that I should write a book or something to tell how tough it REALLY is for women like me. Yes, things work out better for the fortunate ones and then others not so much.
            I’ve tried most everything. I’ve even consider checking myself into a conventional if they allowed it. Lol! I’m serious. I’ve thought about getting back into but I’m too old. I’ve thought and thought. I wish there was a ranch like you mentioned where women like me can run free! Like a horse (you get it) haha! Yes, I’d appreciate any help you have to offer! Thank you kindly

          8. she says:

            There was this wonderful transitional housing program I wanted to get into. I applied for it, went through this long interview process and got all the way through to the end and I was denied. I even had my women’s abuse case worker secondary apply on my behave. He said that they turn everyone down and that you have to be special (rich Battered housewife) to get in. The program was like heaven too. FREE Room board, counseling, food pantry, transportation,childcare, a three year program to allow you to save money. I did the math and I would have been able to save $30,000 had I’d been accepted. I was heartbroken when they turned me down.

          9. Indy says:

            That’s horrible She! What state do you live in? That is outrageous! “Special” rrrrrrrrrr….

          10. she says:

            I live in Texas

    2. BraveHeart says:

      She, without sounding judgmental, because I would never do that to you – wouldn’t you rather live in a shelter than to live the way you are right now? I was in a really abusive relationship (sent to the hospital once) for 6 years, and two kids, with a Lesser Narc (didn’t learn that until HG’s blogs) so I know a little about what you’re probably facing every damn day of your life. For me, I was able to escape with the help of some family, but I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done in your situation, had I not had family to go to. I would like to think though that maybe you should give the shelter some deep consideration and maybe even go check some out, when you do have use of the car. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you believe is the reason why you don’t want to go to a shelter?

      I do sincerely wish the best for you, She 🙂

      1. she says:

        Thank you BraveHeart for responding, I will not give shelters another try because I’ve lived in one just three years ago and they are VERY DANGEROUS. I was frightened every day I was there. I’ve gone into detail with one other person just a moment ago. Was it you or someone else? Maybe it was someone else , but trust me I’ve been there. I lived in one for 7 weeks and that was longer than the norm. I actually begged to stay two more weeks because I had no place to go. People think that I’m making excuses but I swear to goodness that I am not. Going to a shelter only leads to shelter after shelter after shelter especially if you have no place else to run to.

        1. BraveHeart says:

          No, it wasn’t me, but I just responded to it, as well. She, I am so sorry for the position you’re in and I completely understand that list of reasons why you stay. Like I said, I’m in the US and I would love to help someone in your position (of course that’s the Super Empath in me and I don’t have a clue who you are), but above all else I want to know you’re safe and that you don’t feel like all hope is gone. I do believe in trying to set up Safe Haven’s for those of our kind because I don’t doubt for a second that those Shelters are dangerous. You give the exact same reasons why I probably would’ve stayed too, if I hadn’t had some family to help. Please just stay with us, She, and let us help you through this, okay. Take care of yourself and, please, just stick with us because little by little, you will get stronger.

          1. Indy says:

            Thanks Braveheart, your compassion is clear and beautiful. Yes, we all must stick together. I know in Vermont they had safe homes. Not all states have that lovely resource. Funding is vital for these services. Please stay and keep trying SHe. We are here.

          2. she says:

            Thank you kindly BraveHeart. You have a good heart and I am an empathy as well. Often times I have said that I would trade places with a person in the place I was just because I cared too much to see them hurt. I wrote a poem about it called Suicide Empathy. Is that silly?

        2. Indy says:

          Yeah I know, shelters can be horrible, I know. I’m sorry, you are trying, which is good. Don’t give up. keep working with your therapist and look at out of state options with her. Some states are better funded than others.

          1. she says:

            Yes, I’ll try to keep my options open and chin up. Thank you Indy.

      2. BraveHeart says:

        No, it absolutely is not silly that you would write a poem. I think writing your experiences, however it comes about, is extremely therapeutic and if you feel comfortable doing so, I’d love to read it.

        By the way, who knows if your son is a Narc or not, but if not, the day will come when he figures his father out as well. As you well know, being abused is powerful shit and your son is probably just as lost as you are. He may just feel safer where he’s at – on his dads side. In the meantime, YOU HAVE US, and hopefully we can help you get out of the hell you’re in. Just remember, talking is just as therapeutic as writing is, probably even more so. ☺️💕

  3. Heather says:

    Hello HG! I would greatly appreciate your insight.

    I left my narc/sociopath ex almost 3 months ago. I have not been hoovered. I should mention that he has traits as well of Avoidant personality disorder and has only had two girlfriends in his entire life (he has all the charm and charisma of a narc, though!).

    He doesn’t seem to need sexual conquests to get supply. His pattern is to draw someone in, then when they are won over and express romantic interest, he becomes aloof and distant. Just knowing that they want him, seems to be enough supply for him.

    This man almost ruined my life, my health, my happiness. I have worried a lot about hoovering, because I don’t feel strong enough yet to say for sure that I could turn him away (such is the magnetic pull of your kind). I would love your expert opinion. If it’s been three months and no hoover, am I safe?

    Many thanks from a big fan of your work,


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Heather, thank you for your compliments, they are appreciated. Three months is not long. There is still plenty of time for a hoover. It is interesting that he does not need sexual conquests which I suspect points to him being Cerebral in nature. He will be occupied with the new primary source at present but once there is Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria is met then he will unleash a hoover against you. Build your defences in this period of grace which you have.

      1. Clary says:

        Totally agree it worked for me

  4. HG Tudor says:

    Hello Shyvone,

    Do not tell him what you are going to do. Why? Go to the PRIME ARTICLES in the menu bar for the blog and read How No Contact Feels – Parts One to Three to understand why you do not tip him off.
    You should read Departure Imminent, No Contact, Smeared and Black Hole to assist you in getting a head start for your no contact and maintaining it.

  5. Not So Sad says:

    Hi shyvone.

    You won’t be doing yourself any favours by checking in on him several times a week . If anything you’re drip feeding him fuel albeit small amounts .
    I’m with HG on this . Get someone else to check on him. Would he do the same for you if the roles were reversed ? .. the short answer is no .

    Good luck & well done leaving .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wise words NSS.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Ty HG . I read a blog written by a narc, he’s a good teacher . 🙂 ” wink

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I think you meant great, NSS.

          1. Not So Sad says:

            I sad ” great ” HG . You really should listen more 🙂

      2. Clary says:


  6. HG Tudor says:

    A narcissist loves in a way which appears indistinguishable from the victim’s perception of what love is. This is because of our capacity to mimic and the way that people have been encouraged to consider how love manifests. We do not love because there is no feeling behind the outward appearance of love, instead it is a hunger for your fuel, an infatuation with the potent, high quality and marvellous fuel that you provide when we seduce you and identify you as the prime candidate for the position of our primary source. The empathy you describe will be feigned for the purposes of manipulation and control. It is not felt. Thank you for your post and your kind comment Shyvone.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Shyvone, your desire to assist him is natural and understandable. You are better focusing on yourself and leaving him be as you are only prolonging his hold over you by checking on him. You will not be able to get him to accept help for his narcissism as he has now insight. This is why he does not listen to you when you suggest therapy. You might be able to get him to seek help for his anxiety/restlessness but this is going to be regarded as you criticising him and he will react. You might consider whether a family member might be able to assist him but again if you explain he is a narcissist they are unlikely to understand and moreover it will not advance the position as he will not accept it from you or the family member, all you can do is get the family member to look in on him in terms of general care as opposed to treating the narcissism.

  7. Seduced says:

    Oh You…dear G..mYour writing put me into hypnosis. .. I really should stop reading it…my gut tells me to stop….

  8. brokenlady says:

    I was a little confused. I thought narcissists don’t love? I thought that sounded quite sweet apart from its obvious she’s being controlled. Do narcissists think they are being loving? My ex really seems sad I left him . He said he might not have loved me like I wanted but he does love me? ? Excuse my confusion :/

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes they do but it is not love as you understand it.

      1. Clary says:

        Hey I’m drinking twinnings black tea decaf is marvelous I like it

  9. Stina Santos Serrer says:

  10. Indy says:

    I left, never looked back. It took a few months of internal debate, and once that line I drew was crossed, I was done. The key for me was I drew a line and made promises to my friends, family and myself that if he crossed it, I would end it.

    1. The Punisher says:

      Me too Indy! My last straw was him getting another woman pregnant. No debating necessary lol.

      1. Indy says:

        Good for you, Punisher! Indeed, done. “Boy, bye!” My last straw was yet another relapse after several months putting plans with me on the wayyyy back burner for his job promotion or constantly canceling. He thought he could get my pity to stay with the relapse. I actually knew he was gonna relapse soon, he showed all the signs. It’s tough when you love someone and want them to get better and wait for better times and then realize, well damn, I’m worth more than THIS!

        1. The Punisher says:

          You are worth way more than that Indy! I know what you mean though and I’m happy you are finding better times elsewhere 😄

      2. AH OH says:

        WTF The Punisher! What a dick. Know she is stuck with him. Poor child.

    2. BraveHeart says:

      Same with me. Except, once I gave the deadline of April 1st, he chose to discard me on Mar. 27 (Easter Sunday). I guess the April fools joke was on me. Oh well, now looking back, he actually ended up doing me a huge favor. He made making the decision to be done with him completely much easier on me. I knew once he pulled the Silent Treatment, we were finished – at least from my perspective. From the sounds of it, he could still come back, but now backed with the knowledge I have, he’ll never succeed.

      1. Indy says:

        No shame in that at all. Indeed he saved you the trouble. Brush those shoulders off. I drew a couple of soft lines when planning leaving my ex and they came and went because he’d always future fake or show glimmers of hope. it’s hard to hold one self accountable to your own boundaries when you’ve already let him cross them multiple times before. That’s when I came upon HG’s blog . I held myself accountable by telling other people I trusted what I was doing and to hold me accountable. Fortunately he did not have Lieutenants in my circle! It was symbolic for freedom, I left him on July 4 when he finally crossed the final line. I will never look at July 4 celebrations the same again, it will always have a deeper personal meaning.

      2. BraveHeart says:

        Indy, I drew three soft lines myself during the last year of our five year relationship. We wouldn’t speak for 3 weeks each time and I was always the one coming back because I couldn’t handle it. I gave many threats of being done over the years, but when my last deadline came, he knew I was serious and that’s why, I believe, he finally pulled the discard rope himself. He had to, otherwise I would have won in his mind, and that was not going to be allowed by him. Shortly after being discarded was when I found HG’s blog and it most definitely turned out to be my saving grace. As difficult as it is sometimes, at least I’ve redeemed my dignity.

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