Don’t Know What You Want


“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brain, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”


81 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want”

  1. For me, this the soliloquy of a victim.

    Yes, there are some sentences I can see our kind saying scattered throughout, some I have said numerous times.

    But there are some we simply would never say. Or at least, I would never say. Ever.

  2. I can read the triangulation of my relationship in this post; with the MN, his wife, and me. I can read her part, my part and definitely his. Wow, I love learning from you, HG. You’re writing is beyond amazing!

  3. Indy I understand , spice seeking i do love me some peppers The Carolina Reaper is what I seek. Lol that will probably be what kills me.

    For the most part I run instinctively, if I go right when I know I should go left, darn if I dont end up in tne bad part of town.

    1. The spice must flow! (nerd alert, sry). But ya, normal people bore me too. I don’t wish to change this, it makes my life more exciting.

      1. hahaha…Dune.
        Perhaps we need to define spice for us….what is it exactly that makes them exciting? Intelligence? Defiance? Humor? Sex vibe? Confidence? Willingness to do things that others fear of doing? Of course looks too, but it’s more…what is it? I think it’s possible to find a defiant, smart, sexy, funny and fun guy that isn’t dangerous to our mental health….right? Gosh, tell me that unicorn exists…😂

      2. The Punisher,
        This is for you…lol…”He who controls the spice controls the universe, and what Piter did not tell you is we have control of someone who is very close — very close! “

      3. Lol! Indy I had a feeling you would appreciate the Dune reference! Is it on the flix? Cuz all I wanna do right now is get super stoned and watch that movie. I was just thinking last week how David Lynch this site might actually be..😹

      4. 😂😂😂😂 Not sure if it is on Netflix. I need to check out Rabbits, looks up my alley. lol

  4. Indy your right about balance at least from my perspective. Both are out of balance. Narcissist – take. Empath- give. The only ones that seem to bebalanced are normal, and sadly I find them way to boring, amazing friends yet not enough adventurous spirit for me.

    1. I know. I too have a similar tendency to seek spice. And, I am working on this in me and now that I know my role in the tango. I think this time around for me, when I decide it’s right, I will be different and thus less likely to stick with unhealthy selfish/abusive individuals. I might still attract them, just more aware going in and I have more choices to engage or not…rather than engage blindly. I really do won’t give and take, both sides. Yes, I love smart, funny and dark individuals.,.that also are giving to the world, their families and have a soft heart too. Perhaps hidden but in there. I’m now armed with what to look for thanks to HG. And I’m more in tune with my gut again and will not ignore that inner wisdom. Every time I had I was in trouble.

  5. The Punisher, I believe this is written from the voice of the victim, not our voice. You do everything but can’t figure out, what more do we want to go back to our initial ways with you?

  6. Yeah, Punisher, and that is the problem. Both sides are so extreme. Not once does the person above want to be Batman or express or even think about his/her own needs. I do, I do, I do. I give, I give, I give. “I was put on this earth to give”. Balance is missing. One must both give and receive. Not just one side of it. I think just for today, I’ll be Batwoman…runs to the bat cave.

      1. Noooo, don’t say it is so! He is seeking revenge on the wrong doers (could still be a narcissist, sure), though what about being at the mayor’s beck and call (not very narcissistic)…though he does tend to take the glory and belittle Robin…Oh Girl! You may be right…oh the humanity 😉

      2. Man, still thinking of this Batman news…he-he…yes, I am a grownup at work, bummed about Batman…but, then I thought, we could debate whether he is a narcissist, right? For fun?

        Traits of narcissism–
        -He is a control freak-for real!
        -A billionaire with his successful company
        -Reluctant to commitment with a woman
        -wounded child
        -A bit full of himself to think he can do it
        -treats Robin with distain at times.
        -He wears at least one mask (Bruce Wayne)
        -He seems like he is angry a lot
        -uses fear to fight his enemies, cloaked in darkness
        -identity struggle, though I think he knows who he really is…
        -shows little emotion
        -man of logic

        Argument for not narcissism–
        He works with authority to bring about justice
        He works by a code of morals and rules (though this is debatable as to why)
        He is truthful (I do not think I can recall a time he lied, except to hide identity)
        He doesn’t gaslight or use verbal hijinks to manipulate

        Damn it, he has more traits than not…lol….

      3. Add to that pro narcissist list the following Indy
        1. He has a bolt hole, the bat cave;
        2. His car is better than any body else’s – grandiosity
        3. He has a loyal Lieutenant – Alfred
        4. He has another loyal Lieutenant – Robin
        5. He is superior, entitled and grandiose so that when he fights his actions appear as words on the screen – Biff! Ker-unch! Ka-pow!

      4. Holy NarcZone, HG!

        Yeah, I realized when I started making my list, I lost that argument fast! Haha…

        But…but….what about the moral code? ***holding on to straws***

      5. Ahhh, the hulk. Toxicology and teratology at it’s finest. Intermittent explosive disorder perhaps?

        Green Lantern?

      6. Oh Indy, there there. Would you like me to comfort you…..

        The Joker is one of us too. In his case, he is open about who and what he is – he does not hide behind a mask.

        All the Superheroes are our kind, sweetheart. Iron Man, Superman, Captain America, HG Tudor.

      7. Oh Bloody, not Superman!! I agree with Iron Man for sure. Joker is a given (though closer to psychopath I think). I do not know a lot about Captain America, though I will take your word on it.
        Ok, Superman, how is he a narcissist? He’s an alien and doesn’t have a cool car (that’s about as good as I can do…hahaha).

      8. He is the Prodigal Son.

        Superman was never meant to be judged on ground level, but a figure placed on a pedestal, attentions forced upon his grandiosity, non-judgmental and uncompromising, he was meant to be admired.

      9. Yeah, it makes sense. Sigh…well, I still have Hulk (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). 🙂 And don’t tell me he is a lesser!!!! LOL

      10. Also, Batman does not kill his `victims`.

        How many times has HG said he much prefers his victims to be alive and well so they can keep providing fuel?

        Think about it this way – Batman keeps the Joker alive for his own selfish reasons (his holier than thou moral standards).

        “Oh look how great and good I am – I do not kill my enemies. I keep them alive so they can keep raping and pillaging the city of Gotham. I will keep sending them back to Arkham Aslyum just so they can escape (yet again) and continue to wreak havoc.”

        Think of how many people the Joker has killed. How much chaos he has created. All of which could have been averted had Batman just done what was best for everyone else and killed him.

      11. That’s a good point, BE. It provides him with a role, an identity, to keep chasing them.

      12. The Hulk is a borderline.

        He is ruled by his emotions.
        He flips his shit and turns into a giant green Neanderthal.

      13. I see where you are going, BE, though I think he doesn’t get depressed or have suicidal thinking. He doesn’t engage in self harm and is not afraid of being alone or abandoned. He was poisoned. I think he is IED. Radioactivity can make one a little green, you know. 😉 I am holding out for Hulk.
        **grabs my toy hulk like a petulant 5 year old**
        **cracking up**
        **you guys just made my day**

      14. Love/Indy,

        Sadly, Wonder Woman is on Team Narc as well. In fact, I have been called Wonder Woman on numerous occasions and not because I am loyal, virtuous and on a quest for what is right and just. Here are some examples:

        There is nothing she can’t achieve. The narcissistic Wonder Woman is highly competitive. She will do and say anything to be number one. Some narcissistic wonder women have high metabolisms. They either feel very little pain or are masterful at concealing their pain.

        They have wills of iron.

        The narcissistic Wonder Woman has an impeccable external image that is constantly updated and refreshed using a variety of aesthetic procedures. The narcissistic Wonder Woman can appear to be slightly manic. She is restless, moving all of the time. She knows how to expertly wield the bejeweled axe on those who are obstacles on her upward trajectory.

        She expects no complaints, no vulnerability and of course no tragedy.

      15. How is that any different than what we do to our victims, HG?

        Wonder Woman’s Magic Lasso or Golden Lasso was the direct result of emotions and was more about submission than truth. Her creators have even admitted that.

      16. Yes, I know you were.

        I think the way I posed my question above made it seem otherwise which was not my intention.

      17. Hahahah BE and HG,
        I am not even gonna try to argue. She also has a baddazz jet and has a mask to not blow her cover.

        But, we all have narcissist traits, to one degree or another. It is healthy to a degree. I am highly competitive and have worn masks to hide. I usually wear the “innocent and bubble head Indy” mask. It gets em every time 😉 Now, I do NOT have a bad azz vehicle…I live as a mind mannered Indy…until there is a telephone booth. (See, I even talk in third person. muah ah ah).

      18. Hahahahaha….
        I am truly an empath of some sort, Punisher, if we use the Tudometer nomenclature. A fluffy ninja bunny with swords.

      19. *whispering* psst, Indy. I think these narcs want to claim everyone who’s famous. Don’t be alarmed but Mickey and Mini Mouse are up next.

      20. Love, I got one for them and I am interested how they will support this one: Mother Theresa…Go!

      21. All of the members of the Mickey Mouse Club register in the DSM.

        Donald (antisocial), Minnie (anxiety disorder . . . understandable when your partner is a narcisstic, possibly gay, cult-leading mouse), Daisy (big time histrionic), Goofy (schizophrenic) and Pluto (serious self-esteem issues stemming from the fact that the other dog in the cult walks on two legs and can talk).

      22. BE, that was really good! I never knew what Goofy was…had to look him up. Poor dog. Thought there was a cow in there somewhere..

      23. Mother Teresa, also known as the Patron Saint of Sadistic Narcissism? THAT Mother Teresa?

        The one who personally flew to Haiti to receive funding from notorious right wing dictator Jean-Claude Duvalier in 1981 – money stolen from the Haitian people; she took £450,000 from Robert Maxwell during the 1980s, later embroiled in a huge UK pension scandal; US anti-pornography activist and lawyer, Charles Keating, donated over a million dollars to Mother Teresa (along with use of his private jet and helicopter when visiting) before being convicted of the largest case of corporate fraud in American history. She refused to consider returning any of the money, even when she was made aware how many innocent people had lost their life savings, pensions, homes and insurances in the scandal.

        In 2013, a review of a wide body of literature by a group of Université de Montréal academics added weight to the stinging criticisms levied against Mother Teresa. They were especially critical of the missionary’s practice of “caring for the sick by glorifying their suffering instead of relieving it” and cite her “questionable political contacts, her suspicious management of the enormous sums of money she received, and her overly dogmatic views regarding, in particular, abortion, contraception, and divorce” as being in stark contrast to the “hallowed image presented by the Catholic Church”.

        I could go on…..

      24. Gandhi?
        St. Francis of Asisi?

        I know, I know…they ran a strip club in Peru and stole Llamas from random farms(that was really St. Francis’ idea, not Gandhi’s) . But, besides that!

      25. Hey Indy, there’s nothing wrong with strip clubs my sweet, sweet friend, just ask my good pal Joan of Arc, she has all the moves….

      26. I get one every now and then…

        Thinking of melting down all my Saint medals from childhood…orrr….I could rebrand them. “You too can get your favorite Historic Narcissist on a Medal. Nc Francis of a Assisi, Nc.Michael…..get them all”

      27. Oh this is all so sad! Not Mickey! Why oh why?! Indy, they will dig up some dirt on Captain Planet too…. Like he once didn’t recycle on purpose in order to obtain negative fuel. I think our team is in the background doing the actual good work. We don’t need the limelight to boast and brag.
        Thank you Mr. Tudor and B_E for crushing my childhood heros.
        May I suggest you never read stories to children during story time.

      28. My nephews love my bedtime stories.

        “Once upon a time there was an empath,”
        “Uncle HG was it a super empath or a co-dependent or a standard empath?”
        “What would you like it to be?”
        “Hmmm a super empath, they put up more of a fight.”
        “A super empath it shall be then”
        “Yay Uncle HG you’re the best.”
        “I know.”

      29. Oh dear Lord, little narcs in training!!!! Empaths, please lock up your kids, pets, plants, household appliances!
        This is not a drill. I repeat, this is Not a drill.
        Tudors v2.0 are in production!

      30. LMAO! My god HG, your bedtime story is adorable!

        I do this with my nephew, much to my sister`s chagrin.

        He was visiting a few weekends ago and I told him to go ask his mother to make certain she purchased copies of Fuel and Confessions of a Narcissist for Christmas.

        He did of course and when she asked him why (after giving me the stink eye) he said, “Because HG is the best.”

        “How do you know,” she asked him, visibly annoyed and disturbed.

        “Because Auntie BE says so!”

        I plan to make Team HG t-shirts and I will make one for him so we can wear them together.

  7. Is this how all of you feel after you discard us?? You sound just like my ex fiancé , before he actually left me , you have similar way of describing your feelings or whatever it is you guys feel …. I often wonder

      1. Oh I see , I wrote you last week on this had to think about what I read , lol , I’m the victim reading what I interpreted to be the narc writing ..

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