How Could You?

 

how-could-you

 

“How could you do this to me?”

“How could you sleep with my sister?”

“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”

“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”

“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”

“How could you get me into so much debt?”

“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”

“How could you not see what you were doing?”

“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”

“How could you tear us apart like this?”

“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”

“How could you? In our bed of all places?”

“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”

“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”

“How could you destroy our family?”

“How could you not control yourself?”

“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”

“How could you disappear like that?”

“How could you be so heartless?”

There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.

Everything you thought that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.

Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.

Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.

We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.

  1. Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
  2. Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
  3. Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
  4. No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
  5. No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
  6. No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
  7. You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
  8. No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
  9. Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.

How could you not realise all of this?

No wonder we get sick of you.

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14 thoughts on “How Could You?”

  1. But I do realize it. The same way I realize you are just as trapped if not more so than I. You are no longer the punisher, you no longer control my emotions or reactions. I am devoid all feeling. You will only get a reaction when I see fit, when it suits my purpose. In your pathetic need for your fuel you were blind to see that I have become your apprentice, but unlike you I do not need fuel. My shattered soul now runs on your misery, you are now my prisoner. Do you know that? Can you feel that the tables have turned? Is that why you are constantly love bombing me while sneaking around trying to groom up a new supply?

    1. Hi HG,

      Thank you for your reply to the three questions I posted earlier.
      May I ask about two other things that have perplexed me about
      narcissistic self-awareness and thinking process?

      1. You share your experiences and thinking with us not only as a greater one (excuse the lower case :-)), but of course as a particular individual who has developed his own, and quite elaborate, nomenclature and terminology related to narcissism. Let us assume, however, that we have another narcissist of the “greater type”, who is as aware of his ways as you are of yours. Could you perhaps guess, or even speculate, how that individual would formulate and explain to himself what he does to others? Put another way: would he, like you, have an internal conceptual structure or hierarchy into which those around him fit? Would he understand that what he needs from everybody is some sort of “fuel” (attention, admiration, fear, awe, narcissistic supply,…), that he uses them essentially?

      2. Does a narcissist believe that, because he experienced something terrible and unjust in the past (e.g., a parental abuse or emotional withholding), he has a right to “take revenge on the world”? I have heard a variation of this phrase from my former friend (I prefer to call him “Hostage Taker”), and it shocked me to realize that he was expressing such an aspiration completely seriously. Isn’t it simply childish, and downright delusional, to think that one human being can actually punish the world? And this insanity came from an otherwise very intelligent man.
      Can you help me understand this?

      Thank you in advance for your answers.
      You are a gifted writer and your productivity is mind-boggling. Do you have a secret coterie of slave ghost writers hidden somewhere deep underground? 🙂

  2. Hi HG,

    Thank you for your reply to the three questions I posted earlier.
    May I ask about two other things that have perplexed me about
    narcissistic self-awareness and thinking process?

    1. You share your experiences and thinking with us not only as a greater one (excuse the lower case :-)), but of course as a particular individual who has developed his own, and quite elaborate, nomenclature and terminology related to narcissism. Let us assume, however, that we have another narcissist of the “greater type”, who is as aware of his ways as you are of yours. Could you perhaps guess, or even speculate, how that individual would formulate and explain to himself what he does to others? Put another way: would he, like you, have an internal conceptual structure or hierarchy into which those around him fit? Would he understand that what he needs from everybody is some sort of “fuel” (attention, admiration, fear, awe, narcissistic supply,…), that he uses them essentially?

    2. This is in particular relation to your post “How Could You?”. Does a narcissist believe that, because he experiences something terrible and unjust in the past (usually, that would be a parental abuse or emotional withholding), he has a right to “take revenge on the world”? I have heard a variation of this phrase from my former friend (I prefer to call him “Hostage Taker”), and it shocked me to realize that he was expressing such an aspiration completely seriously. Isn’t simply childish, and downright delusional, to think that one human being can actually punish the world? And this insanity came from an otherwise very intelligent man.
    Can you help me understand this?

    Thank you in advance for your answers.
    You are a gifted writer and your productivity is mind-boggling. (Do you have a secret coterie of slave ghost writers hidden somewhere deep underground? :-))

  3. Thanks HG, true true…all about the Fuel! I’ve learned so much here..makes living with this demi demon easier..I’ll escape one day..still arming myself with knowledge 🙂

  4. So my MRN(?) admits to certain behaviours..he admits that he is heartless to other people sometimes, and enjoys others suffering-namely verbal or emotional abuse. (He rarely admits to causing harm to me or my kids, but he will about other people he knows on occasion). He is fully aware of his actions. Does this awareness make him more clever than I give him credit for? HIgher end of the MRN spectrum? Whatever the case, the small glimpses of his acknowledgement never come with the admittance it is wrong.

    Thanks HG..

    1. Hello Ginger, I suspect he is a Middle Mid-Ranger perhaps an Upper Mid Ranger but the main reason he is doing this is to provoke a reaction from you and gain fuel. Note as you state he does not admit to causing harm to you or your children (he does not think he does) and the admission about other people is not so much done because he regards himself as culpable in any way but rather to draw fuel from your reaction.

  5. I never challenged her once. I never attempted to say those things because I knew it wouldn’t matter and I knew I didn’t want to set her off. And it’s not my personality.
    But when SHE said some of those things to me I could see the projection that HG talkes about. She did believe that she gave me everything and I was the one in the wrong.
    It’s always interesting to see your perspective HG. It always helps.

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