Bound

 

bound-2

 

One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

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85 thoughts on “Bound”

    1. I feel you, Deb.

      Although I do not see mine everywhere, I am always looking over my shoulder. A result of being stalked by 3 for years. Just last night, I came into my home and found 2 things out of place and a straight edge razor on my counter. I do not own a straight edge razor. I subsequently searched my entire house, thinking it was my recent ex. He doesn’t have a key to my place (had locks changed), so I felt a mix of crazy/silly and paranoid.

  1. Your dual type is infp or possibly infj. Which are, ironically, the most empathic types. Note that l said this is the type you will be most drawn to however, that does not mean the most compatible with. Though you are excellent at mirroring/manipulating so you are likely compatible with most types. Or so they will think. However, should you forgo your mask and games (is that possible?) the type you are likely to be most compatable would be ISTP.

      1. Prrrrrrr…. thank you BE! That is very much the compliment! I think I’m twice your age. Lol

      2. Go figure Clarece. My dual type is ISFJ.

        Why does this not surprise me? 😉

      3. Ok, I was crazy slammed at work when I did that test and did not have enough time to get that far on figuring that part out. What does “duel” type mean? You’re ride or die person?

      4. Yes, I have that same question!!!

        I’m with ya, MLA, if any of my colleagues knew I was doing a personality test online, I’d be teased to no end….AND it’s fun 😊

      1. I compared your type with my ex. He’s an INTJ. As I assumed, you’d have a much easier time drawing people to you. He has a certain disdain for people and isn’t the most outgoing or confident. You seem to have all of those traits which make me wonder if that is why his Primary Sources never seem to last long at all.

    1. I scored ENTJ-A.

      The underlying thought running through the ENTJ mind might be something like “I don’t care if you call me an insensitive bitch, as long as I remain an efficient bitch”.

      Booya.

      1. INFJ-T The Advocate….very cool. It is pretty consistent with past results. Thanks for sharing Ana!

  2. HG, I told you this and I don’t mind repeating it. You have supported many of us. You have been so good to us! Thank you. Every article that you write makes me stronger because now I know it was not my fault that the relationship with my ex has failed.

    You say that we are weak because we fall for your (the narc’s) lies and can be manipulated. It’s true that we were deceived, but we are not weak. Either when we escape you or when we are discarded by you, in the end of the day we are set free. We will recover. As empaths, we have an inner strength that can heal ourselves. I’m sad to see Dawn going because she cannot see it now. I hope she will one day.

    Will it take time to recover? Yes. Will it hurt like hell? Yes. Will we be trapped by your hoovering? Presumably yes and hopefully not. Will we be supported and loved by friends, family and other partners?
    Absolutely. And who knows, we might forget you. We will move on. However, we will carry the harm you’ve done to us as a scar to remind us of the danger of being entangled with a narc. We will be happy again tough.

    You, on the contrary, will never “forget” us and will always come back for fuel. For a period of time, indeed we were the codependent of the relationship. But we can recover from it.

    The narc will always depend on the empath. As you mentioned, fuel is your lifeblood. Who is de facto the dependent in this situation? Am I correct or am I reading things wrongly?

    I’m not trying to provoke you, I’m just starting to see things from a different perspective. And thanks to you, HG, since you have taught me (us) a lot.

    I will always be grateful to you, HG. <3

  3. Have you ever been with anyone whom you found a real connection with? Someone you actually respect? Someone who sees and accepts you fully? Is it always just a game for you? And if so, doesn’t it ever get tedious or lonely?

    1. I did have a connection once upon a time. It was not respect but something different.
      It is the playing of a game but a very serious one. It ever gets tedious, winning never becomes dull Ana and I am not lonely, not at all.

      1. Is the connection you speak of with the person you were close with as a child who was taken away from you?

      2. Is there a way for you to re-connect with this person now? Or have they passed on?

      3. Are you familiar at all the the MBTI personality types? I have my guess as to what yours is is but l am curious to know if my assumption is correct.

      4. ❤ love is so pure during childhood ❤
        I hope you do reconnect with her. She may your destiny. The love of your life ⭐

  4. Mr. Tudor, I am curious how you feel about an excellent source of supply who is more stubborn and independent? One who can take what you dish out with ease and even push back? One who can easily slip from your grasp, can let you go at any moment, and move on without looking back? How do you deal with that?

      1. True, but there is always a surprise curve ball. One never knows what might slip past them.

  5. The picture is very intriguing , ones imagination can run very wild with this one HG.

    Yet another view
    Chains – confining what once confined you

    1. “Chains. They bind us, whether we want them to or not. But a heart without chains would have nothing to hold it, might simply blow away.”

      Or be free.

  6. I could say I hate chains … bit oh I love them so much too… specially around my wrists and ankles…

  7. I ask to you now: “When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? ”
    I acting no contact but I’m far to be happy and serene…

  8. I prefer ropes to chains HG, I have a special place in my heart for light green too….. The snow flakes do make for an interesting contrast on the S&M photo though I do admit

      1. I have friends who are pros at Shibari, I find it becomes about the art and skill and takes away from the sexual element. Cerebral involvement instead of technical skill is a bigger turn on, but alas my tastes are not the norm of society 😉

      2. I suppose it depends how you apply shibari. In some respects it can be used in a sexual manner, in others it becomes more the aesthetic.

        For me it is about the control and the fuel that come from that.

      3. That is a very impressive art, Nawashi. I once recieved red asanawa as a gift. I was puzzled as to why I would be the one gifted that…. I am the canvas, not the paint.

      4. Well one could wonder if it is more psychologically arousing to someone of your kind to know that their victim is bound physically and can’t escape or if the chosen restraints are only for novelty and appearances and the actual reason the person is bound to the bed or other chosen location and can not escape is the psychological tie that you have undoubtedly crafted in a similar way those Shibari artists bind their victims, each different but with a similar method.

      5. Mr. Tudor, your developing a pattern. Time to switch plays or am I allowed to see your tactics because of the 5 arena rules? Any fuel in a storm I gather.

  9. I love when I see vulnerability, and I know it’s a well known classic but “women who love too much” was the first book I read on the way to healing. It did not explain narcissism as that came much later. What I see now is despite my parents evil behaviour, my empathic nature allowed me to sense their fragility and with my deep sense of caring love was drawn from me, as it is now, despite the logical brain. When I think of them now, and when I hear my ex talk, I get the sense of their fear, need for admiration and the tragic sense of what THEY could have been, not just our relationship, and my heart bleeds for them.
    HG’s work has still given me a deeper sense if acceptance that I am not the one to change them, or us, I cannot heal their pain, and neither so they want us to in the way that we would imagine. Thank goodness for the logical brain and for your work HG let love exist with logic. Better to take our love elsewhere.

  10. I refuse to give up on such a love, even if it means that in order to survive this anguish, I replace it with another love, and then another, and still another… I replace them, like they replace us. This is a survival skill for me. I cannot let love die because then I will die.

    1. Hi Forgiven, please remember, You never have to replace any love when you love yourself. It’s always there. When you replace one “love” for another and another like a revolving door, we loose ourselves in the wind of those doors. In its place it becomes an addiction. Like addiction to love, to praise, to achievement, to Fuel. You will not die when you find you.

  11. So….going through the pain is sometimes indescribable..so many emotions…gut wrenching pain..I could go on but I’m trying hard to get past that pain… is it true the longer you are with someone of your kind the more pain you will cause them? What’s your longest stint hg? are you aware of all the pain you are causing to your victims? How badly do you like to destroy? Are you subconsciously aware of this?

      1. Babax2
        DECEMBER 7, 2016 AT 1:49 AM
        So….going through the pain is sometimes indescribable..so many emotions…gut wrenching pain..I could go on but I’m trying hard to get past that pain… is it true the longer you are with someone of your kind the more pain you will cause them? What’s your longest stint hg? are you aware of all the pain you are causing to your victims? How badly do you like to destroy? Are you subconsciously aware of this?

      2. The duration of the entanglement is not a direct factor in determining the level of pain inflicted. It has an indirect bearing because we are likely to know more about you, know more about how you will react and so forth, from a longer relationship. In terms of my longest sting, do you mean how long in terms of keep inflicting pain? Am I aware of the pain? Yes. Do I like to destroy – I prefer to erode, diminish, wear down and grind down so that you come within a whisker of being obliterated but you remain. Not only is this a true demonstration of total and absolute power (destroying someone is easier) but it means you will be available to do it all again to at some future point, thus maximising the return on my investment.

      3. “Do I like to destroy – I prefer to erode, diminish, wear down and grind down so that you come within a whisker of being obliterated but you remain.”
        I read this and it still deeply saddens me. You do this besides for the rush of power it gives you but to avoid feeling as though the Creature will surface and do that to you. That is the biggest projection you convey.
        After 2+ years in therapy, Dr. E and Dr. O (and maybe they will read this if they peek occasionally) do have a moral and ethical responsibility to protect not only you, their patient, from harmful acts but also that you will not do harm to other people. The mental / emotional abuse you speak of above has to be tempered. What happens if another current or past IP with strong ties to you commits suicide?
        It’s a frustrating thing with the constant difference in mindsets or the world view and I understand that concept much better now after reading your work for so long.
        What you see as maintaining power and control, I see someone who does not know and cannot be genuinely fulfilled because your true self has been locked away. So many years ago, Little HG (around 9) split off and has been neglected and never outwardly protected by anyone. What emerged was a very strong and brave person who stepped up and thrived by building up your mother’s distorted and demented vision while being on a rescue mission for Little HG. It also relieved your Father of responsibility towards you, while he was already walking around on eggshells. What a tremendous burden. You are like a hamster on a wheel because the “void” you constantly have to fill is you think you will be of no value unless you keep forging through this. Get rewarded (win) or get left in the shadows.
        In all of these new relationships, your subconscious gets a chance to keep messaging your mind and body to stop. At some point, it’s all going to catch up to you.
        As you indirectly have helped so many people, I would just still like you to keep an open mind that there could be something else for you in a different season of your life.

  12. Without him in my life, i feel that knotted sensation in my stomach as described. In order to alleviate it, i must remain friends with him. I am borderline. I panic a few days after i abandon somebody close to me, or if he abandons me. He needs me in his life me as much as i need him, at least for now. The co-dependent relationship between the borderline and the narcissist will forever bind me.

  13. The pain of being without him is like drowning in the blackest and iciest sea ever known . You go under suffocating and freezing but you never actually die . You are stuck in the process of dying without the end to give you peace . Icy , devastating and lonely torture. Getting your heart broken by a narcissist to me at least ……. Is a fate worse than death itself.

    1. a friend compares it to a parent with a child who is missing, you never know if the child is alive or dead, you can’t move on, same thing with the “end” of being with a narcissist

  14. Oh Mr. Tudor, now you’re just being mean. With a picture like that, how am I supposed to read anything? You’re speaking to my heart with that image.
    ** wistful sigh**

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