Shade

 

shade-2

 

 

“It is quiet here isn’t it?”

“What do you want shade? Be gone.”

“Now, now that is not that very friendly is it?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Perhaps, but I have much that I must say to you.”

“I will not listen.”

“Oh but you will, you have no hope other than to listen to me. Who shall I be? How about me? Do you remember me? You always said how my voice sounded like the embodiment of comfort, do you recall saying that? Do you? Do you remember how often you asked me to call you late at night and read to you until you drifted off to sleep? I did it willingly didn’t I? I read those words, those favourite passages of you until I could hear nothing until the soft sound of the breathing, regular and indicative that you had succumbed, at last to sleep? I imagine you would like me to do that now wouldn’t you? To hear my words of comfort once again. Would you wish to hear me speak again? No, my you have changed and yet you always said it was me that had changed? Perhaps I shall change. I shall be me instead; do you remember me now? Does this force remind you of me? I was better than her, you made it so clear that that was the case. Forget her and her bedtime stories, she treated you like a child didn’t she? I know what you really wanted didn’t I? I understood you didn’t I? How does it feel to hear my voice now after all this time? You’d thought this one was forgotten hadn’t you?”

“Shut up, I never forget.”

“Oh but you try to, you try so hard to forget me and all of the others.”

“No I don’t.”

“Please don’t lie, I can see through them now. I admit, I never used to be able to, but you were oh so very good at making your lies seem like reality. I had no idea. I was so in awe of you. You were everything I had ever wanted, but that is what you do isn’t it? You showed me yourself so I loved myself. It is clever, I must give you that and there is no denying you are very clever, the brightest and the best that I have ever met. Yet, what do you use this gift for? To wound, to maim and to cripple?”

“You do not trouble me shade, I know what you are.”

“Do you? That is good. For so long I thought you did not, but you are realising now aren’t you?”

“I have always known. I know everything.”

“Of course you do. You taught me everything. Yes, it is me now. How about that for a trip down memory lane. You taught me everything and yet I was the first of them all to realise wasn’t I?”

“It is you? Where have you been? Stop this, you keep shifting, it is unfair.”

“Oh I have always been here, always watching you. My you have become quite the polished article haven’t you? I always knew you were destined for greatness though. I was the first to know.”

“It is my right. You must not come here and mock me.”

“I am not mocking you. I love you. We all loved you. You know that because you gave us a perfect love.”

“Yes I did and do you see what you all did with it?”

“Now now, let us not play that game.”

“What game is that?”

“You are doing it already.”

“Cease your riddles, I am the doer, you are done to, leave me, I have much to do.”

“But I cannot leave you, you will not let me go.”

“I tell you now, leave, leave me be.”

“It does not change does it? You want me, you do not want me, yet here I am. You said that nobody is allowed to leave and you have me still. Does that not please you?”

“Not when you intend to mock me, no.”

“Yet he always mocked me.”

“Not another? Why do you plague me like this? You are no longer welcome.”

“You mocked me, you belittled me, you made me feel like nothing and all I wanted to do was to please you, why did you do this to me? Please? Tell me what I did wrong?”

“You come here now and seek those answers? You should have known. I showed you how you should be and then you failed me.”

“I did not fail you.”

“I did not fail you.”

“Nor did I.”

“Nor I.”

“Nor I.”

“Silence!”

“Such a favoured weapon of yours. How you tore me apart when you layered ice over our love.”

“Not you as well, what do you want?”

“I just want to know.”

“You come, you all come, masquerading as wanting to know the truth but I know you, I know your kind, I have you in my eye, you are here to torment me. I am no fool; I know exactly what you want.”

“We just wanted you.”

“Yes, you.”

“You.”

“I wanted you.”

“Just you. Nobody else.”

“Quieten your tongues you harpies, must you whirl about me, your soft words that are barbed and poisonous to my own ears? I command you, leave, leave me be.”

“You said you loved me the best and that you would never let me go.”

“You told me you loved me with a perfect love and that we would always be together.”

“You told me that you loved me unlike any love you had ever known and that nothing would tear us apart.”

“You told me that your love was pure and unblemished and would last for ever.”

“You told me that your love was beyond that of any other person and that I would bask in it until my dying day.”

“Do you see how you said all those of things to us? Promises, vows and declarations. We believed you and we still do, we still want you.”

“Then why come here and torture me?”

“Because you found perfection, you had the very thing that you always wanted and you let it go.”

“I did not.”

“You did.”

“No, I did not. You do not know, you think you do, but you do not know.”

“But we do know, we know better than you realise. You called us idiots, you called us fools, you called us morons and yet who is the fool now? Who had the one thing that he always wanted and let it go? Let her go?”

“Go to hell, all of you shades, go to hell.”

“Go to hell? We are already here aren’t we? With you.”

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50 thoughts on “Shade”

  1. Did you just have an episode?
    Did you imagine all the women you have destroyed surrounding you?

    Such torment. I thought I had torment. I felt my own today, but reeled it back in. I had no choice but to do so or let it consume me. One day I might just let go.

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  2. Beautifully written. Are narcissists haunted by the ghosts of lovers past? By their own actions when people escape? Thank you, HG.

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    1. Often no, because of the way we compartmentalise but with those of us who are more advanced in our capabilities then every so often events like this occur.

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      1. Thank you so much for your response! I’m completely fascinated by the difference in thought processes.

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      2. Compartmentalise, I like this word. It is a learned trait. I like the ability to do this.
        I know jet pilots do this and people who dismantle bombs. My friend is a FA/18 pilot (now he is second in command of west coast squadrons) and my dad did the later.
        Now I can add HG to this list.

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      3. Hi AhOh!!
        Yes, it is very much a learned trait. Counselors use it all the time so they don’t suck up and carry all the pain from one client to another to another to another and eventually get overwhelmed. I can imagine you definitely saw this as well in fields where you have to have a cool head! That’s really cool you witness that. I bet surgeons have it too. Sense bomb dismantlers have to be like surgeons . Did you spend a lot of time in southern California near military? For some reason I always associate you with California and yet I see you’re also in Vegas? So glad to see you back in commenting ❤️

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      4. Indy,
        Never lived in Cali, had chances to do so with a couple of BF’s but no way would I move at the time. I do visit and will be going to San Diego in the first week of January.
        A surgeon will not die if he makes a mistake, in bomb disposal you can. I have my fathers, what he called “bibles”, obsolete now to say the least but they are military books on bombs. He kept them and I have them now. He was not a drinker due to his profession. He retired Commanding Sargent Major in E.O.D.. He had the best stories.
        I grew up on the east coast, Maryland. APG was/is an ordinance base. He also taught at Ft. Meade. I am a country bumpkin. 😉

        Yes surgeons think they are GOD like.
        I am sure anyone who deals with the energy of another human, a massage therapist to a mental health care provider, needs to be able to leave the stuff on the table/couch/chair.
        I liken my empathy traits to a flickering neon. When it is fully lit, do not look to me for anything. It is all about me. Bright and buzzing. Low light, you can get me to give you a hug or pat and I will say it will be all OK.
        But I will hurt over a felled tree or a dead animal. I hated when I pulled out some plants in my yard. I apologized to them. I could not watch my gardener. Call me crazy. :-0
        It is good to be back. Thank you for noticing!
        It is going to be in the mid to high 60’s this week here in sin city.

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  3. You make me want to write poems. It is the reversal. The duality. The exposure. Your true victory comes from an unexpected place.

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  4. It was a bit “Scrooge-like”…..
    Being visited by the ghosts of past, present and future…..
    Liked it HG.
    Are mid rangers good at compartmentalising? Will they ever be troubled with past cruelty they inflicted?
    Do you think narcissists are fated to end up bitter and alone?

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    1. Yes they are good at compartmentalising. They may do so if fuel runs low.
      It depends on many factors, but it is not a foregone conclusion at all that we will end up bitter and/or alone, I know I will not.

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      1. Yes but you’re the master so of course you won’t end up alone.!!
        But what of the mid range and lessers?

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  5. “A human being is part of a whole, called by us “universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” Einstein

    When we all realize we are one and of each other, we reflect each other, we will have more understanding, compassion, of softness. Now do not mistaken this for me saying to stay or hang out in the same space of abuse. More an explanation of how it feels when we cease to compartmentize so rigidly, the empathy grows more deeply.

    Because ultimately, loving other means loving self.

    Hey Love, I think we have another member part of our club!!! Einstein!!!! 😂

    ~peace and gooey love-vibes all~

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    1. Ooooh Indy, your words are beautiful. We are all one, raindrops making up the ocean of humanity. Wow, I need to light up a joint and reflect on this for a bit.
      I want so much for Einstein to be on our team. Though I have read he boasted his many affairs throughout his marriage and made his wife sign a contract to basically be a domestic servant with no sexy time.
      I will still hold onto hope that he had good reasons for his actions.

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      1. Love😂 Given the details you shared about Einstein, he’s starting to fail the empathy test LOL. I’ll have to read more about his life LOL will have to cling to Stephen Hawkins. Also, I think I have a little bit of the reputation of being a hippie smoker type which cracks me up . Hey PS, however if I smoked as much as my reputation implies here I don’t think I’d get anything done LOL. Although the effects were quite lovely when I had the few times I had lol i’m too ADHD naturally, I can get to those love you give any thoughts by meditation. Now, just remembering to meditate Ha ha ha

        Hugs and peace Love… and if you ever make any special baked goods let me know LOL

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      2. Word press, auto correct, I swear to God the amount of errors in my posts is irritating . i meant to type the “lovely effects” not the “love you get”

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      3. Lol, I’m very sensitive to everything – so I’ve limited my herb selection to joints only. I had a very bad experience with an edible that led me to the ER. Funny my narc took pics and recorded the whole thing, while I laid unconscious in the ED room.
        I won’t go anywhere near mind-altering drugs because of my sensitivity. Who knows, it might be so strong, I will be transported to another realm for good. Lol!
        I use yoga and occasional nights on the balcony with a doobie to relax and contemplate life.
        ❤💜💚 to you dear Indy

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      4. You said doobie!!!!! 😂😂😂😂 you are too Young to use that term!!!!! Shoot, I’m too young to use that term. Lol ❤️️❤️💚💛💜

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      5. Really? Lol I learned it from rap music.
        Kendrick Lamar, A.D.H.D. I guess the term has made a comeback lol.

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  6. I just read Time and the narcissist HG…
    Damn it!!!!
    It seems the mid range narc comes out unscathed and a winner despite the passing of time.
    So now I believe even more so that my ex will settle with the woman he has been with for the past year because it suits his needs due to him being 52.
    Am I right HG? Xx

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      1. Ok, now I’m confused…..
        You previously said he would treat her the same and there would be no happy ever after and that a hoover of me was likely in the future.
        Granted 52 isn’t “old-old”!
        But is it old enough to make him grow up and seize the “last chance saloon” (so it speak)?
        She bakes, massages his feet and will inherit a lot of land and money. Could this be the deciding factor for him settling?
        Or will he “settle” with her but still cheat and treat her the way a narcissist knows best?
        Xx

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      2. It depends on the type of narcissist that he is and whether he regards the residual benefits as important as the fuel benefits. Unless he has serious health issues at 52 which mean he has a demand for residual benefits which are higher than normal, his behaviour will be as I described when I first answered your query, namely, the demand for fuel is such that he will devalue her and look to hoover you (subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria)

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      3. Lol not at all. I know a narc in his early 70s. Keeps himself in good shape, is sharp and handsome, and goes through women like Kleanex. His ex wife still holds onto hope that they will reunite. He does throw her a bone every so often, keeping her hope alive for HEA. But he loves his bachelor life.
        He even has text messaging game! Sure enough the ex wife recently found him sending the same text message to her and 2 other women (one was a previous gf and the other was the current).
        Sadly as he is enjoying his life to the fullest, the ex wife’s mental health is declining.

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  7. I have read that Narcs have a despise filled, resentful respect for the empaths that figure them out. Would you agree?

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    1. Hello Victory, it depends on the type of narcissist. The Lesser and the Mid-Range cannot accept what they are, therefore they will not have any respect but rather despise the individual for telling (what they see) as lies about them. The Greater may have a grudging respect for the person having done some detective work but it translates as wariness and the need to punish them for having the audacity to work them out.

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  8. My narc ended his ‘week of peace’ last night and picked a fight w/me over nonsense as usual. I ended up calling him out without much emotion of course and basically told him he’s a narc without telling him he’s a narc. When told he thrives off reactions and told he’d get none from me he was quiet, when told that ignoring him is the highest form of criticism and disrespect he seemed surprised and said that’s true. When pushed further he told me to leave when I said ok he said I can’t take our daughter after telling him 3 times I’m not leaving without her he said he didn’t mean it and begged me to stay… then kept putting himself down while love bombing me- what does this mean? Why does he want me to stay when it’s clear I know what he is? Clearly he’s not a greater like you, but seems to clever to be a lesser. Whatever he is he doesn’t know but why have me stay and not let me go?

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  9. HG he has now started to call smh he is coming, and I can’t stop him. I answered my work phone and heard his voice “beloved” I just hung up.
    Now what?

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    1. DFA,

      If you are able to block him, do so. Especially if you think he is just after fuel and you need to cut him off. How long has it been since you spoke to him?

      If you have security at your job, let them know about him. (Especially, if he is stalking you).

      Are you in the States?
      If you are scared for your safety, especially at work or home, you may need to file for a temporary protective order. Stalking is illegal in many states in the US (perhaps all now). If he calls nonstop on the phone, you can file harassment changes.

      If you have trusted family and friends that are not on his side, tell them he is tryig to contact you and you do not wish contact from him. You may need to stay with them, if you feel you are in danger.

      If you have nowhere to go, The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you hide, get a restraining order and free counseling.

      Not meaning to alarm, but just in case sweetie. Just went through a flurry of hoovers myself in August (hundreds of calls and texts in a manner of a week, hundreds…almost hourly, even my job) and a smattering over the past few months. However, the smattering is less and less. There is hope!

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  10. I really liked this. It felt the most real to me then the other posts l’ve read so far. You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself!

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  11. back and calm… I’ve read it few times as always with this post… Is it painful or annoying when this occurs? Is it the “monster of many faces” within You which You keep locked up build up from “ghosts” of people entangled in the past with you my dear G.? Or the beast You many times refer to is a different case?

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  12. Lol Love Senstive Sorry I giggled with that I once tried a bite of a brownie, I was in Colorado at the time and said what the heck it is natural. Intensified my natural ablilities. Where I am now no way would I try I would lose to much if I was ever tested, and my name seems to be the random lately.
    He he I think they believe I am always due to me being me. Jokes on them

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  13. Thank you HG. If I understand this correctly the awareness of the empath constitutes a failure by the Narcissist to stay hidden so the empath gets punished for that failure. We show superiority with the ability to uncover the truth & put them @ risk of exposure to others. My, my, scary indeed.

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  14. This is quite profound. It’s also the reason that while I could exact revenge on the narcissist;
    Irrefutably disprove lies he’s told about himself, his accomplishments, risking exposure and ridicule, I don’t. Not because of the inevitable narc rage, I have no fear of his wrath. Anything he could do that would actually cause me great distress or destroy me at this point would push him too far. Likely for fear of incarceration, losing his home, his child, etc. He has nothing but his petty torments which have become ineffectual.

    I stay my hand because nothing I can do will ever compare to the hell in his head, and he’ll never escape it.

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