The House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receivaing end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
5 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
50 thoughts on “The House of Discards”
So true, Perse!
I met him through a friend… the first meeting, a group event. Since he paid for our group’s activity, I walked up to the bartender to pay for the first round of drinks.
He followed me, and as I was gathering my money, he told me that I should allow him to pay since he “makes really good money.”
I know he easily read me as I gave him an “I don’t care” look. Actually, it was a turn-off to me, the way he bragged. I think he sensed that I wasn’t impressed, so he flashed me one of those innocent but devilish smiles.
He noticed the tip I gave to the bartender and commented, “Generous.” So you are correct, Perse, they certainly look to keep company with those they view as giving!
The funny (predictable) part about that is… He does make more money than I, but I definitely spent more money on him! I was always bringing him and his daughter little treats. And whenever he’d “casually” mention needing something… of course… you know our routine!
I feel like a sucker now as I think of all the things I bought him… mainly little items, but bigger ones too. It was so frequent, though, that those small, everyday items added up quickly.
Just one example: I bought him a nice father’s day gift for his daughter to give him as I knew the ex-wife wouldn’t feel an obligation to do so. It to be a surprise, so I gave the wrapped package to his daughter to give him, when they were alone on their special day.
Of course, he knew the present actually came from me. But instead of thanking me, he explained how he didn’t care for part of the gift and asked me to return it, abd tgen gave me an exact description of what he did want.
So I took care of it, as I often did. But at times, he’d be so kind to me, thankful and generous. However, once he realized I wasn’t expecting things from him monetarily, they weren’t offered.
To be fair, it wasn’t that he didn’t offer to take me to fancy places (in the beginning)… it’s that I told him I didn’t need that. And I didn’t. I truly just wanted to spend quiet time, just getting to know him as a person.
Unbeknownst to me… I was playing right into his hand. It’s disheartening to realize you’re perfect narc fodder… just being your plain self. (Not that I didn’t feel slighted once I realized all that he was doing to obtain those unicorns or to keep his ex-girlfriend/attorney happily helping him on his case… and who knows what else!)
So yeah… I think I did need to vent a bit!
Even though people have sometimes described me as “the life of the party,” I best enjoy interacting with people one-on-one. My dearest friend (since first-grade) will say that I’m not a bit bashful, but as well as she knows me, she’s not completely correct. Deep down, a part of me is very shy.
It’s why I chose to post on an article that hadn’t had a recent comment. I didn’t want to disrupt the conversations of the on-going threads. I think a part of me still wants to hide.
So thank you for finding me here, Perse, and for taking the time to help me. I will check out the links that you suggested.
I’m busy with work and responsibilities, as most everyone else, but I will be back… and I hope to find your comforting words when I do decide to reach out again.
“I would have never imagined that a public site, open for the world to see… created and hosted by a professionally diagnosed, narcissistic sociopath would be the spot that I chose.”
Ironic, isn’t it?
I feel it’s very safe here, as long as you retain anonymity
The information here is superior. HG’s advice may seem harsh at times,but that’s because we have been using emotional thinking. It is USED AGAINST YOU by narcissist. His advice is based on logical thinking, and it is what you need and the ONLY WAY to deal with a narcissist.
As you stated, the narcissist chooses to target those who are kind, caring, loving, trusting,honest, all those traits that are the polar opposite of themselves. They mirror you, so that you see what you love in yourself and respond to your own reflection.
Then they will use those same traits as weapons in their hands to hurt you. They will either belittle you, or deny that you have those traits. They will accuse you of doing what they have done.
The drama they generate is like nothing I could have imagined happens in the real world. It is so crazy making.
I’m glad you found your way here. It looks like you might have needed to vent, just a little, right? 😉
I think you might have plenty of proof (truth) about who/what you’re dealing with in your life.
You have arrived at a place of advanced learning.You can go at your own pace, but the faster you learn is to your advantage.
HG has kindle books on amazon. He posts them between articles, and if you have kindle unlimited, you can borrow them.
If that is the case. I would recommend starting with Sitting Target and Fuel
I have posted pages from narcsite, but the amazon links will be on those pages.
Welcome to your education.
I’m sure we will be hearing more from you, and I look forward to it
Those were tough times… yet enjoyable at times.
Certainly too much to tell as I’ve already said enough. I just wanted to give you a glimpse of his character as I am still at a loss to completely understand his ways or to properly identify his disorder.
But I do know that he is a wounded soul, just as I saw the first night I met him.
I even told him once that no one woman, or group of women, will ever be able to fill that dark hole… that he has to learn to fill that from within….
Futile words, I know. But I tried, and I tried.
And there is more to tell, but I realize my words may fall on deaf ears, just as they did on his.
But it felt good, just now, to open up… even (especially) to strangers.
I think I revealed a part of my experience because I finally felt as if I found a safe place to share.
I would have never imagined that a public site, open for the world to see… created and hosted by a professionally diagnosed, narcissistic sociopath would be the spot that I chose.
But there’s something about HG Tudor’s willingness to open up and share his own secrets that inspired me to do the same.
Until now, I haven’t told a soul of my experiences, not fully, not even close.
I am blessed to have great friends and a supportive family, but I am too embarrassed to reveal the ways in which I’ve been betrayed.
I’ve been beaten down, but I’m still standing.
I have been reading on narcissism for some time now. The stories from others have given me strength… but I still feel new to this world. So making a comment (and then a bunch of them) is new to me as well.
The only other site I’ve ever commented on was one dedicated to people who damage the nerves in their index finger from prolonged pressure using a spray paint can. (It exists; I have the fingertip to prove it.)
So for whatever reason, here is where I landed. Even if no one ever reads my story, it felt cathartic to shed some of this burden.
Thank you, HG Tudor, although I’m sure that’s a pseudonym? I’m thinking Tudor…tutor?
And you are.
I still have more reading to do, and even more to learn, but thank you for your time. And if you have insight on my Mid-Ranger, who should be a Greater but is certainly a Lesser… let me know!
He said in his carbon-copy reply to these women (who I referred to earlier as whores but know that they are actually innocent victims)… that he was looking for someone he could connect with emotionally… that he was looking for an exclusive relationship, hoping to find his unicorn.
I guess already having “the one”… being with “the best” he’s ever had… isn’t the same as getting to ride a unicorn?
No woman can compete against the perfect girl, especially when she advertises within the tri-state region.
Unicorns. I had to ask.
“You know they’re not real, right?”
In his fury of anger… this man who is viewed as quite intelligent by his peers, overlooked something. In a few of these Craigslist exchanges were real names, real telephone numbers and real email addresses.
So of course, I snooped some more.
I reached out to every woman for whom I had contact information.
In these emails, I could ascertain that he was on Craigslist… searching the female ads. He proclaimed to each of these women that he was looking for a relationship as his long, sweet responses to their ads were the same. He copied and pasted…. not a lot of originality going on there.
But like me, many of the woman bought his innocent-sounding pleas for companionship, and they responded to him.
Their exchanges were right in front of me, in black and white with no doubt of his intentions.
I was disgusted and devastated. I hated him.
But my heart still hurt for him. And that made me hate myself.
I was about to go on a walk/run with my sister, so I was somewhat distracted. I glanced at a few and could tell that they were forwarded emails from his exchanges with other women.
He must have expected quite a response from me. But because I was tied up with my sister, I didn’t take his call. I texted him that I would read them at some point… that it will be interesting to finally see the truth, but I didn’t act as if I much cared. (Even though my heart was pounding.)
So, he called again. I was done with my run, so I answered and he immediately asked me why I hacked his phone and sent a bunch of emails to “his ex-girlfriend/attorney?”
Even though I hadn’t read them all at that point, I did notice my inbox to have 30 plus forwards from him, and based upon the times sent, he first forwarded each of them to his ex girlfriend/attorney first… about a minute before he sent them to me.
So I sarcastically said, “Not the case. I haven’t sent anything to your co-counsel, but is your next line going to be that the foreigners hacked your phone and sent to me all of your pathetic attempts to hunt down whores?”
So, I tried to go no contact, again.
He kept pulling me back.
But the more things changed, the more they stayed the same.
He’d be kind for a bit, say sweet words and then show me the truth in his actions. He’d go quiet for a night and not respond to my attempts to reach him.
I’d had enough of his proclamations that I was “the most important female” in his life, the only one… so I took a picture of that birthday card from Cathy, and I texted it to him.
I was so fed up, I called him a piece of shit.
And that’s when he unloaded the emails.
So when I had enough evidence to convince myself that my brain really wasn’t as “irrational” as he stated, and that my “paranoid thoughts” over the missing condoms were justified… that my “delusional thinking” was actually based in reality… I confronted him.
When I told him of a friend seeing him out shopping with his ex-girlfriend/attorney, or if he was seen having lunch with her… I got the silent treatment for days. This occurred everytime I delivered the report of a viewing. He’d blow up and then go silent or he’d peacefully drift away into silence. Regardless, he would completely ignore me. (So different than how he’d try to comfort me when I’d discover him at her home.)
After the ST, he’d try to slip back in as if nothing happened. or he’d try to charm his way back by sending me links to sweet songs or by telling me he still loves me.
When I questioned him about a restaurant I know he tried with another, he told me of how he was there with a male friend. There were no other women in his life. If a dsy occurred where he was out with the ex-girlfriend/attorney… it was business.
When I told him his daughter told me that she stayed the night with a friend on the same night he said the two of them went to visit his parents, he threatened to have my license ripped from me for involving his daughter. I told him that I never even questioned her as I wouldn’t ever want to upset her… that once she told me she wasn’t at her grandparents as he proclaimed, I saved the conversation for him. I made him aware that I always tried to support his daughter, even when she was upset and told me, “Daddy tells (ex-girlfriend/attorney) she’s beautiful. He gets excited to see her. He pats her on the leg when she gets in the car, but he doesn’t do that to me.”
I informed him, “I assured your daughter that you think SHE’s beautiful and that you love HER very much.” I let him know that I put my hurt aside in hearing of his sneaky behaviors to help his daughter feel better.
Then he backed off and apologized for threatening to take my license… but not without gracing me with the knowledge that I am lucky… because he rarely apologizes to anyone.
I started to “notice” evidence of dinners out… certainly not meals shared with me! And the locations were places I didn’t think were evenings shared with the ex-girlfriend/attorney.
So I sat on that information for a bit, until I could learn more. (No easy task when eagerness tempts!) But by this time, my gut was turning flips. I simply had to learn more, and I knew if I rushed it, I might never know.
But I figured he’d likely give himself away in due time. He was already struggling to keep his stories straight. So when he’d recount an event or a shared laugh, I’d sometimes say… “wrong girl” just to rattle him a bit.
And it often was the case. We were getting a burger once at a drive-thru when he laughed and said… “We’ll just put the cheese on it when we get home. Ha-ha-huh-he!”
“You know. Remember telling me about an ex of yours who ordered burgers plain and was so cheap he said he’d just add cheese when he got home?”
“No. That wasn’t me.”
The man who proclaimed he was “so lonely” when I met him… was probably talking to any woman who would lend him her ear. (Sometimes I think I hung in there just to find out more.)
I’d ask him about names that he never even mentioned… names I knew from his past or, in one instance, a name I saw on a birthday card to him.
It was innocent enough. It was a store-bought, printed card listing “positive energy and upbeat attitude” as attributes of the recipient. Below that was her handwritten note. She signed the card something to the effect of… “So glad to have you in my life. Happy Birthday, Cathy.”
I found it buried in the trash.
I kept that discovery secret (for now). I didn’t live with him, but I had those keys to his place! The keys he gave me in the beginning, just to prove his loyalty… just to help ease my fears.. keys to his home to prove his trustworthiness to me. Awww.
Now, I’m finding myself lying to him in hopes of discoverng the truth! I told him that he had mentioned “a Cathy” to me several times… I asked, “Who did you say she was?”
He swore he never mentioned “a Cathy” to me. He only knows of one Cathy, from long ago… a woman he used to live with, “but I don’t know of any other Cathy?”
I realized that I might actually be gaslighting him… and it probably felt about as much fun as when he tried it with me!
“Yes.” I said, “You mentioned her a few weeks ago, in casual conversation, when we were talking about”…. blah, blah, blah. It was all lies. But I wanted to know.
I watched him squirm. I think his upper lip might have moistened a bit. But in true fashion, he stuck to his story. He didn’t know, and neither did I.
Until I finally found enough evidence in his home… along with him going M.I.A. (ignoring my attempts to reach him during those nights away) when he swore he was staying at his parents’ place… just to visit. I had suspicions that there were others. And when I presented him with such… his reaction wasn’t the same as with the ex-girlfriend/attorney.
No… baby, baby. No stroking my hair. No trying to convince me otherwise. That’s when I saw a bit of rage.
Oh, I forgot about the tears! OMG, that works the best on us. Turns out they really can fake tears!
Hope being here takes the feeling crazy away for you.
Yes, Perse! I already feel better. Thank you.
I enjoy live theater, so once while at a play, I spoke with him over the phone, right before the curtain drop. I told I’m that I wish he could have attended with me. He assured me that he wouldn’t enjoy it… because none of the actors would be as good as he.
Apparently, in high school, he was quite the thespian. So long ago, but still, a milestone in his eyes!
I guess that talent is how he was able to drum up the tears… but only during rare periods of desperation? The other times, he bragged about his ability to think logically and was proud of his discipline to not let something as trivial as emotions rule him.
But then, he’d reveal moments of sensitivity when he was a little boy, or act as though he truly cared about the “poor little elderly lady” he stumble upon at the grocery and helped to load groceries into her car… or the woman whose tire he changed when she was stranded on the side of the road with a flat.
He was The Good Samaritan who struggled to be good to me.
I was emotionally labile, and it frustrated me how my feelings would be all over the place.
I was as hot and cold as he was.
After a very long time of hearing him deny that he even went to the beach, let alone took her… he finally confessed. But only because I presented to him actual hand-held evidence. (If you snoop hard, the proof becomes easy.)
Anyway, I was worn out and weakened by the time he finally confessed. I allowed him to convince me that he only took her to the beach as payment for her legal duties. Since their children were present the whole time, I gradually softened… started to come back around.
He was sweet again.
Until I snooped some more.
He lied and lied to cover up the truth.
He reassured me…. I was the one he wanted to make his wife… not her. He seemed crushed and embarrassed that I discovered the truth of that week.
Then he would get cocky.
He’d go from crying, saying he could walk away from anyone, but he can’t seem to walk away from me…. to… “Well, you have a key to my place. You can still visit me….”
And then he’d get vulgar. He had told me I was the best he’d ever had, and he’d still be open to having (that) whenever I felt like stopping by for a visit.
I told him I wasn’t willing to be someone whose only purpose was to satisfy his needs… that without trust and loyalty, I couldn’t feel safe to love.
But just like you say, HG…. as I was trying to escape the pain, deep down, I still held onto our beginning… when he made me feel loved in the most special way.
I wanted the magic back… even as I was discovering it was all an illusion.
But I was hurt over his deception. So I stayed strong… for a bit.
When I read your “How Does No Contact Feel?”… I felt like I could PERSONALLY relate to all three subtypes of narcissism. And it frightens me how, as I previously said… we humans are more alike than we are different.
For the girl who is seen as caring… for the woman who cries easily for others… the one whom he strangely called an empath shortly after meeting me… for this sensitive female soul…
I wanted to lash out at him. I had dark thoughts about how I could make him feel the same pain.
I wanted to win too! I wanted to make him pay… for his lies… for his broken promises. I wanted to show him what he was losing. I thought of manipulating him… seducing him… pulling him back in just to drop his ass cold. I wanted to make him pay.
And a part of me wanted him back in my life, just as it was in the beginning.
When he told me that all of the legal happenings were wearing him down… that he loved me but just needed to lay low for a week or so, I asked what prompted such a change?
“I just need to get back to my old self. Rest. Lay low… be out of pocket for a bit.”
He assured me there was no other… I was still the one. I was all he could handle. He didn’t need nor want another.
Of course I couldn’t, nor would I try, to hold someone back who needed a break from life, so I told him I hope he found himself again.
But I knew. So I snooped some more.
When I discovered his “week or so of lying low” involved a four day beach vacation with his daughter, and her friend… the daughter of the ex-girlfriend/attorney… all four of them on a beach trip… I ended it.
So when I’d drive by and see his fancy little convertible parked in front of her home, I didn’t disrupt.
But I would confront him later….
“We’re only working on my case, baby. Please don’t be upset with me! I need to win this. I’m just trying to survive.”
Sometimes, he’d say it with tears in his eyes.
He’d look at me like I was the only woman he desired. He’d wipe the hair from my forehead, hold my checks gently in his hands as he’d pull my face towards his. He would try to kiss me in the most sensual way…. but I’d be too pissed to allow it.
He’d say, “There’s nothing going on but work baby. You’re the one I want. You know how I must win. Let me win… for my little girl… for us, so we can have a secure future… a better life someday.”
It sounded like bullshit to me, but my heart wanted to believe him.
Surprisingly enough, I eventually did hear, straight from the ex-girlfriend’s mouth (when he called her in my presence) that their relationship was not sexual.
But that was after many times of discovering him at her home, or finding out about dinners out or outings that he took this ex-girlfriend and her daughter to… along with his daughter (as their children were friends).
Each time, he gently reassured me that she was not for him… he wanted nothing from her other than her legal help… he just knew how he had to treat her in order to get what he wanted… what he needed for his little girl (who he knew I adored.)
And of course, I was his baby; I was the one… the only one.
wow! Talk about reincarnation! You got my husband!
Sorry to sound flippant, but it’s exactly what I heard. For many years. And I believed him. Every bit of it was lies.
Oh, they all have their own words and techniques. All fine tuned to fit each victim in their compartments. But it is the same game.
Stay and listen/read/post. Search for Letter to the Narcissist, and you’ll hear your story. Again and again. The truth will seem painful, at first. It is not as painful as trying to have a relationship with a narcissist.
There is a lot to learn,and you are here because you want answers, right? Knowledge and logical thinking will get you what you want and need. Ignorance and emotional thinking will bring you pain and despair.
I really feel for you. And you sound a lot smarter already than I was. LOL
What HG said about them not feeling love, not ever. Believe him. His answers are straight and to the point. No softsoaping. No pussyfootin. No psych gobbledygook. No Bullshit.
Wish it didn’t hurt, but it’s better to know before you suffer any more damage
Thank you, Persephoneascending1. It helps to know I’m not alone.
So of course, once I got a sniff of her presence, I snooped for more. I just wanted to know the truth of why he made my gut churn with doubt.
I quickly discovered where the ex-girlfriend/attorney lived, so dring the moments when I’d be speaking with him on the phone… when I’d hear him close his squeaky front door and trot down the porch steps… start his car to “go to the grocery,” I had the time down of the distance between their homes.
He lives two minutes from the grocery store.
So when after eight minutes, he’d say he had to go… I knew.
I also knew because he used to speak to me all the way into the grocery store and even while he shopped, but now… he needs to let me go before he gets out of his car?
When his young daughter let it slip to me that they had visited an old girlfriend of her father’s, my confrontation to him resulted in more reassurances and excuses.
This particular ex-girlfriend was one that he said he didn’t still speak to, but… “If we saw each other out, we’d stop and say hello. We are civil with one another.”
The ex-girlfriend was someone he had previously mentioned. He spoke of her both positively and negatively, but he assured me she was not for him. “We’re just different from one another.”
This ex-girlfriend is an attorney, and he was resolving child custody issues with his ex-wife. He said he didn’t want to burden me with his legal troubles, so he never mentioned this dilemma to me.
He was only using her for her legal services. He begged me to give him time to work through his court case and then he’d be done with her.
So when I tried to leave what was obviously becoming a dysfunctional relationship for me, he started to cry. He became very upset, saying that he couldn’t lose me. He NEEDED me!
He confessed that he had never done this before… but earlier that same day, he had been looking at promise rings, just for me… just so I’d have something to look at, to think of him and our special bond whenever I became insecure.
The promise ring never came, but the promises kept coming…
While he often offered his unsolicited complimentary commentary on other women (current and from his past)… he also worked hard to keep such hidden from me. If he saw I was getting too upset over his bragging, he’d back up… for the moment.
He’d speak positively of his exes and then gently tear them down by pointing out a flaw. But I noticed when doing so, he was searching my face for a reaction. He’d struggle to hide a small smirk if I struggled to hide my jealousy.
He did play the victim from time-to-time, soaking up the attention that I gave him regarding any mistreatment he proclaimed was unjustly doled out from his ex wife or others. But then he would act as though he saw pity as a weakness. “I don’t like to be coddled.” Then he’d push me away.
When I had finally had enough of hearing about the attractiveness of other women, he would apologize. He realized that he also saw me as a friend. He became so comfortable with me that he spoke to me like he would to the guys at work… an honest mistake on his part. Now that I’ve pointed this out, he can see how he was being insensitive in sharing these comments with me.
Then, insert compliments on how I’m “the best out there… the only one I want or need.”
Yeah. Right. I discovered soon enough that his needs required more than just one…
He pursued me with vigor; I resisted. He kept trying, telling me that I was the most difficult to persuade. He promised that he would never leave me. If I’d just give him a chance, he would show me how he would cherish me… every day.
I gave him hope again. He proclaimed that I was like no other… that his feelings for me were beyond compare. He knew that I was “the one.” He kept saying… (well, you know the drill.)
And it was splendid, just as you describe in your golden period. I started to fall, and he eventually charmed my socks (and more) right off of me.
But I was suspicious of him from the first night I met him, when I saw the insecurities that hid behind his grand confidence. And even during our first meeting, I felt that his smooth words were the result of a player who had long played the game.
So I started to question him and then inevitably accuse. His reactions to my concerns varied…
One more question for now, HG…. If (when) we finally do leave for good, do you hate us or respect us?
If you are the IPPS and you escape us, see the reactions in How No Contact Feels Parts One to Three.
I have read your three articles. I feel fortunate to have stumbled upon your site. And I must add; I find your writings to be educational and intriguing, as if I have been afforded a rare glimpse inside the mind of someone who resembles the type of individual who has kept me perplexed for so long.
He was all over the map, exhibiting many confusing attributes. (Though I’m certain he would say the same of me! But I know that his treatment would have brought the darkness out of even the most patient of souls.)
I realize the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde persona is hallmark, but even after reading the descriptions of your three subtypes, I’m still not sure exactly where he falls? Perhaps you could help me decipher?
Yes, Tappan Zee. I definitely didn’t feel any warm fuzzies coming from those six explanations.
I’m still reasonably new to being burnt by someone I feel exhibits many narcissistic traits, so I’m still learning.
Actually, I am bewildered. Simply put… I’m flabbergasted that fellow human beings can be so damaged as to not care of hurting others with such disregard.
Although when I think back, I saw signs during that first night I met him.
It was odd. I remember feeling this energy when I shook his hand, as if he were a confident, pulled-together individual. But that same evening, I also saw child-like qualities… actions that had shown me he was actually insecure, as if a wounded little boy lived deep within.
But during our first meeting, he presented himself with depth and wisdom and was the kind of guy to step up… one who took over when a mishap happened. He clearly was comfortable being in charge. So of course, a part of me admired that masculine quality.
But he couldn’t completely hide that little boy.
I saw he was a wounded soul from day one.
Now, I’m beating myself up for following my heart and not my head. A woman feels it in her gut. From here forward, my stomach will be heard!
I am fairly new to your site. I find your willingness to be open regarding your condition to be somewhat fascinating. Thank you.
I have gained valuable insight, but I am still learning…
If in this land of plenty, supply is abundant and fuel is reasonably easy to obtain… why return?
You say that you have no feelings of love… that we are just objects to be used. Then why not simply seek out the new and fresh?
Why hoover (in a routine fashion) what’s been damaged? Is it for the sheer excitement of a challenge, or is it possible that there actually is an emotional connection which your kind is unable to see… or unwilling to admit?
1. You belong to us, so why not use something we own?
2. You will be painted white when, for instance, the current IPPS is painted black.
3. We have invested in you – we want a return on that investment.
4. We know you, thus you are easier to hoover again.
5. All victims remain vulnerable (some more than others) and therefore going back to someone who has been tenderised before makes the task easier and more predictable.
6. The fuel from a hoovered former IPPS is very potent – this person was devalued and disengaged from and they still engage with us, even enter a formal relationship again. That demonstrates power and thus the fuel arising is very potent.
BKK—long list of not love.
Thank you for your explanation. I somewhat understand.
I first was thinking that if an appliance is no longer useful (an actual electrical appliance that is) then we wouldn’t put it back on the shelf for later repair! We’d toss it and buy new.
But I assume it’s no different than hoarding… and enjoying the act of mastering, fixing something that was once broken? (I’m afraid I might have just made hoovering sound almost empathetic!)
However, I can see in your explanation, the ease in hoovering… the convenience factor…. that what you view as yours is there for the taking.
But I was more interested in learning about the emotional connection. I simply find it hard to believe such feelings to be nonexistent… even with a narcissist.
I think we humans are much more alike than we are different. I believe that most of us enjoy the reconnection we gain from someone in which we’ve shared such intensity. It would be a rush for anyone (under healthy circumstances, of course).
But I guess the difference lies within the intent?
Ugh! I wish this didn’t perplex me so!
Nonetheless, thank you for your reply.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I am also getting silent treatment now. He said that I could text anytime but my texts go unanswered.
Hi HG, I have recently received the wedge coupled with triangulation : I dont really want to be in a relationship at the moment. Ive got so much going on in my life right now etc. Besides the lady i dated last year let me know that shes got my baby. So I asked him are you sleeping with her and he said yes. So if the wegde is meant to keep the door open why does he triangulate? What does this mixed messages mean? First he says he doesn’t have time for a relationship but then he says he’s sleeping with her.
The mixed messages are there to confuse you so you provide fuel. It is about giving you hope and then stamping on it so you react.
Omg this is all soooo true. A week ago I was begging at his door. He wouldn’t let me in. He stood there behind the locked screen saying he is back with an ex from two years ago. I drive home and was in a deep depression. Two days ago after he saw my Facebook posts, that I was out enjoying myself with friends he texted me “I miss you…I was only kidding about replacing you. I never cheated. Please come over and lay with me. I love you and you know we will be together forever”. Ummmm I caved. I went. He live bombed me like it was a brand new relationship. I slept over. When I left the next morning he said ” we need to rebuild this slowly so one day at a time because I have so much going on at work”. I get a text here n there for the past few days about how busy he is. I wish we had hope!!!! I love this guy. I’m soooo confused.
Hello Dina, keep reading and you will not be confused. He is trying to give you hope so you fall under his influence again.
Woooow…story of my life!
Sooo there is never a “final” discard is there? Unless it’s up to is to do it and go NC?
” we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds.”
That part of this entire article is hilarious 😂 . You really are nothing HG.
It’s no wonder I’m seen as the villain and so hated now as I initiated the discard but only because I seen the devaluation coming. I told him he was a narcissist during the heated fury of the breakup in which I booted him out of the house, made him leave. I should have never done that, but what he said to me he should have never said or none of it would have ever happened. Trying to reconcile….I received a text message that said “You don’t want to love someone like me anyways. Go live your life for Noah (my grandson). Thank you HG. I know understand why I was told not to love him any longer. I value your writings HG. In some magical way you are helping me to heal. I sincerely thank you that.
You are most welcome Triple B.
The narcissist I was with for 2 years did all this to me. For 6 months after I broke up with him, he tried everything to get back in. Yes, I failed and allowed it on occasion. When I couldn’t take it anymore I exposed him to the new girl he claimed he wasn’t seeing anymore. Everything he told her about himself was a lie including his age. They fought and went their own way and he called me screaming “why did you hurt her!” When I explained that she thanked me, he couldn’t wrap his head around it and didn’t believe me. The next day he ran to another ex-girlfriend. Giving the new girl 2 days to cool off. A week later he got the new girl back, but continued to see the other ex, I exposed him of this fact as well. The new girl broke up with him again, so in desperation He got Her name tattooed on him and sent me the picture saying “game over”. He told me to send the picture to the other ex-girlfriend as well. Of course he did all this from his new cell phone number. I thanked him for showing his desperation by getting the tattoo and not being able to hold onto his new number for 24 hours.
I told him he’s pathetic and weak, that he made my day by showing me just how deep I can get under his skin. It was the best day ever!
I showed him the shit the other ex and I said about him. He reached out to the other ex and told her he wasn’t with anyone when he was sleeping with her. So when the Ex forward that text to me, I forward it to the new girl. Of course another fight. He drove by the other ex’s home up and down her street a few times, called her and left a nasty voicemail. From there, he came home (we are neighbors). He came to my home and slammed my windows so loud neighbors came out to look, at 3 am. and by 3:30am the new girl was here and they made up. He will try to reach out to me and the other ex….he always does.
This made my day lol not what you went thru but the narc. I wouldnt of wasted my time but the fact you did all that kudos!!🤗🤗🤗
Sometimes, it’s difficult to tell if its a true discard or a punishment. Nonetheless, they don’t care. I got told he wanted me out and when I left, he told me He never said that and I chose to leave and he stopped loving me 4 years ago. How can he be so cruel?
Hello Angelina. Easily, all is as the fuel dictates it to be.
What about the devalue discard where they devalue you so much you decide to do their dirty work for them and do the discard
That’s an escape, Adele.
HG, very interesting. Do they sometimes devalue one so much expecting their partner to leave so they an blame the partner for ending it and play the sympathy card or do a campaign smear?
We do not expect you to leave because you belong to us, but if you do, we find a way to draw sympathy from it and then make it appear as if we were going to end it anyway because of how horrible you have been towards us.
Ive discarded mine 3 times inthe 5 yrs. Ill use break up because i dont “discard” people. Each time he hoovers and wants back with me. Its terrible mixed msgs. Its like a cat toying with a mouse. Its really sadistic. Again…misery loves company