The Narcissistic Truths – No. 80

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275 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 80”

  1. AHOH,
    Wow, that sounds up my alley!!! I am going to look into it!! Have you watched the Netflix show, Stranger Things? There is a sensory pool in this show too, to get to the upside-down land πŸ™‚

    It indeed is your story, and only you can add further chapters, including kick ass chapters of survival πŸ™‚ It definitely does not define you. I, too, know deep depression and had battled it for years, it has made me stronger for it. Sad and depression are vastly different experiences, or emotional flavors. Sad is healthy. Depression is my beast, the one I have slayed and danced with since childhood and first sought treatment in my early 20’s. It nearly took me out. I am proud to have survived though I do not claim I have defeated it, because I fear it will comeback to bitch slap me some more…So, I look for my warnings and act fast.
    I am quite the introvert, it is how I build enough energy to help myself and others (part of y work). Self care is a job requirement. Thank god, goddess or aliens. What kind of music do you like?

    1. INDY! You know it. I would cry as a child because I woke up. My mother thought I was just a miserable child and she would tell me this. She didn’t think that the damage that was done to me had a life lasting effect.
      Ignorance on her part and I forgive her. Depression to say the least. I know the feeling and yes I fear it.

      I took the positive from my experience and it made me a kick ass mom. I was the mama duck with her three little ones behind her. I loved my sons more than anything. I still do but different. Love evolves.
      I raised them even though I remarried and he adopted them. He just financed the life and provided the freedom to be there. I made all decisions for them.

      My middle son is a bit of an intellectual dick. I do not argue with him now. I just say, you are right. I do know this comes from the GF. She is a handful that I will have to love from afar. It is his life so I just observe. My job is done.

      1. Good for you being a kick ass mom **fist bump** from one kick ass mama to another. How old are yours?

      2. Indy They are 28,26,24. My oldest works for our vet. #2 electrical engineer, #3 mechanical engineer and he switched gears after three years of criminal justice and deciding he didn’t want this.
        I will be 59 next month. A big damn number.

        I do not look it but after the gym and moving boxes for the past three hours, I feel it. I am finally out of the storage space I have been paying on since 2011. It was about 23k I have spent on storage. It makes me sick to my stomach. Now I have boxes of art and my garage is to the brim, but it will force me to do something with the stuff. I have given so much away.
        I am purging my life.

      3. Hi Ah Oh,

        Girl! You look amazing! ( I think you had a pic up of yourself, right? Under another name a few months ago?) I have a 28 year old son and a 4 1/2 year old grandson. My son is a welder. I am so proud of him, love him to pieces. He’s what you would call an old soul with a hippy vibe at times. I am 46 (yeah, I was a young mom!).

        I too am getting ready to purge a lot. It feels wonderful, doesn’t it? For me, it is like cleansing. Purge and smudge the home. It is indeed a lot of work though!!

      4. Yesterday I went through files and shredded. When I divorced I had over 300 boxes that my sister and housekeeper packed, not including the shippers. This was from one house. I am still unpacking these boxes. I am almost there.

      5. Also thank you for the compliment. I actually look so much better in person. I am told this all the time and I think it is because I am so alive. Sparks!

    2. I have a wide range of taste in music, from classical and opera to rap. It would be best to tell you what I do not like. Heavy metal, hardcore rap, progressive jazz. I have been to so many concerts that I do not remember them all. I had the pleasure to see Pavarotti twice. By far the highlight of a live show.
      How about yourself, what do you enjoy?

      1. Hi Ah Oh,
        Mmmm, my father loved Pavarrotti too. Must have been amazing to experience live. I too love a broad range of music. Similarly, I would need to tell you what I don’t like. I am not fond of country music or certain types of music that is loud for loudness sake or stuff that is overly peppered with obscenities. Some swearing is cool and adds to the vibe, but then it crosses into less of an art when done too much. I like classical (though not as well versed in modern classical), operatic, industrial rock, folk, blue grass, blues, jazz (not light or soft jazz though), alternative rock, Big band era, and some trance and hypnotic vibes. Of course, I loved the 80’s-90’s era in music as well, given my age. I played the trumpet for years and love Miles Davis. His Album Kind of Blue. Oh, that song Blue and Green used to be a fav of mine. Takes me to a visual like no other. Smokey, somewhat sad, somewhat cozy, (delicious sad, you know?) and perhaps a rainy new York bar feel.

      2. I like blue grass also. Look up Stompin 76. I was there! OMG. And many years later I dealt to the Mayor of the town but was a young teen at the time of the event. He said it was havoc on his little town and his father would not let him leave the house. It was just what us hippies did.But we were respectful. I was with my older brother and his friends. I was still a teen and they were in their 20’s.

      3. Wow Ah Oh. 59 years young! I would have never thought. I kept imagining a young lady in her early 40s. Go girl! You have a very young spirit.
        And Pavarotti was the man! I love him!
        I love them all!
        I am like Julio Iglesias song ‘To all the ‘men’ I’ve loved before’.

      4. Not to brag but I look in my late forties. I am told I should never tell my age because I could pass for being much younger.
        I work out five days a week and I get the usual botox fillers, whatever I need. I have very high cheekbones (funny, I was asked yesterday if they were my cheeks or if I had something done, I showed him pictures of me at various stages of my life. I also have amazing skin, which helps. I am a lucky one in the genetic looks department I suppose.) But I always thought I was average and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
        My hearts young. I am spirited.

  2. Thank You INDY. What I have experienced is my story. It does not define me. I have sad days but it is not depression, as I know what this feels like.
    I spend more time by myself than not. It is by choice because I like silence. I do listen to music often.

    My damn ears are messed up. I did the sensory deprivation tank two weeks ago and the ear plugs did not do their job. I am sure it was operator error. I started the z-pac today. I waited five days to long. I tried to let my body right itself.

    I can’t wait to do it again. I was worried my mind would not rest and I actually thought the blog and HG would fill my thoughts because it was the last thing I did before I went in. I fell asleep and it felt like I do when they knock me out for surgery. It was amazing. Total blackness and only the sound of my body. My heart, my breath, my stomach. I will get my ears better and do it again. This time I will make sure the salt water will not leak in my ears.

    I recommend it. Thumbs up.

      1. I understand this too. It is years of looking at scared in the face and realizing it was up to you to not let it conquer.

      1. A big hug to you my Love! I like hugs but I prefer to sleep alone. So when we have our PJ party you will have to be in the spare room.

      2. Lol I’m afraid we all will be booted to the spare room. Mr. Tudor will take the master chamber.

  3. I feel totally exposed with my earlier posts.
    HG you are adding to your scrapbook? Horrid. Yes, you do outrageous, cruel things. One would consider this atrocious. The worst part is you enjoy it. Perhaps this is not healthy for me to know more. Poor Kim.

    I will step away and catch my breath and eat cookie dough.

      1. The moment any trauma happens, then when removed from it, there after it is stepping towards healing. If one makes the choice to seek help and work very hard.

        I did it with out meds. Except for Adderall. Need this. I didn’t take it and had to make another batch of cookie dough as I forgot the sugar. LOL

      2. Ah Oh
        Are you telling a little fib? You ate the other cookie dough didn’t you lol? In any case- you can laugh about it and thats great. Youve been through a lot but youve kept a sense of humor.

      3. Ah Oh,
        You are a strong brave woman with ferocity to survive, giving the middle finger to those who abused and raped you. I’m sorry those wretched individuals did that to you. And your life gives others hope to rise up with strength and intelligence against evil in this world. That they do not have to take their life, even though that pain was and is so present and intense. You live, tell your story of your hard work and give hope to those that are standing at that ledge, Ah Oh. Thank you for surviving and being here and kicking ass while doing it.

      4. I think as I went through life, I would see people crumble over things I thought were nothing. But I can’t judge anyone’s pain. I did not want to ever put my life in the hands of anyone else. I had to stay upright. If I didn’t lose my crap in 2011, Finacial crash (lost half of my net worth at the tune of millions) divorced (should have left years prior) sister diagnosed with cancer ( she is clean so far) oldest brother died ( I was very close to him).

        Everyone knows that the Real estate in Las Vegas was one hardest hit in the Nation. Also Phoenix Arizona, where we had investments. But I survived and still have it very good. Better then most.
        I am stronger for it and I had to curb my shopping habit to half.
        I have my health and my kids are great. I live very nicely and have to answer to no one.
        I am starting to date again, have one Friday.
        Life is good. And I have all my new blog buddies and HG. What more could a girl want.

      5. I think we all try to be strong. Thank you for your condolences but it is life. It has brought me here right now today. I happen to think I am a very cool chick. So all of us, our traumas, our ghosts, our demons, it is who we are and we are beautiful creatures. Are we not?

        XXX

      6. I started healing when I was 20 years young. I did have a setback after my third son for two years. Again without meds. I tried meds but had such a bad reaction with headaches. You do not know the darkness until you climb out of the hole and feel the sun on your face. My friend David, blew life into me again. I have thanked him many times. We are not talking much as he is involved now with someone.

      7. I am so sorry, AH OH. You are courageous to reveal this here. The sun. I don’t want it touching my skin. I’m glad that your friend helped you.

      8. 1J1
        I have had therapy for many years on and off. It is a good thing to have a sounding board. I was told by one that I need to prepare myself for the real world in that I love so deeply that most can not understand. She worried about me. But she did not recognize that I was in postpartum depression. I can say it was one of the darkest, if not the darkest time of my adult life. It lasted just over two years. One thing I held onto and that was my children. I would not abandon them. I was numb, but they could not recognize it. I gave them what I had left. (I was divorced) My ex would call and say things like “you should just kill yourself, who are you good for?”

        Hold on………need to catch my breath. Painful but always healing to write it. To acknowledge it and know I survived it. The pain is not the thought of him saying these things, the pain was the lack of love for myself that I had lost being with him. The pain was the hormonal upset of having three kids in four years, the 3rd one not planned.
        A wife of a couple we were in partners with on land asked me who would want me, I was almost 35 years old with 3 kids. I looked at her and was utterly amazed. I said “I want me!” I never looked back. Till this day my ex hates me with so much passion, it has taken years from him.

        So many details, so many trials. But this blog is about HG not me.

        His role for me, to finish off what mental health professionals and my experiences in life have done to let me be able to look inside and see that little girl that has been damaged. To let her come out and know that I will protect her. I will love her.

        I am going to give my therapist a name so when I speak of her, you will know. HG calls his the Good Doctors. I will call mine Kindness.

        In one of my sessions with my Kindness, we were on the topic of my mother. I said that she did the best she could with the tools she had. Which is true. But Kindness asked me why I was defending her? She said you are allowed to be upset with her. As a matter of fact be very upset with her. It was her job to protect you. It was her job not to abandon you. Hell no, do not defend her. It was a freedom I always had but did not give myself permission to feel it.

        When I was taken without my consent, I was drugged and the so called friend, who was a guy, I was with let it happen. The perp was a ski instructor and this is all I know. I woke up need next to him and my clothes soaked because he dragged me in the snow, I must have been dead weight.
        I will never as long as I live forget how I felt. So embarresed to myself and blamed myself for it. I should not have gone on this trip. Remember at one time society blame the woman. Still does.

        All this does not define me in whole. This is important to me you understand this. It is a part of me. It is just one cog in the wheel. It is a wonderful wheel.

        A blanket of sorry for the typos. I have to get to the gym. Will continue on some other thoughts for Indy and NA and a few others and most important our one and only HG. Gotta love/hate him. The cheeky bastard.

  4. HG, I am very sorry to hear you have been sexually abused by a relative. I feel for you. It was too much for you as a child/boy to endure.

    Society puts women, and especially β€œmothers”, on a pedestal and sexual abuse by women is usually ignored or, at best, minimized. Abusive women ruin other people’s lives too. Men think they must have done something to stop it and they are to blame, when this is wrong. I believe this is the reason why some men become misogynists. They do not want to feel powerless in the presence of women again and do what they can to avoid this horrible feeling at all costs. Your aunt and also other people, who may have known about the abuse and did not help you, are to blame and not you.

    You have insight and I think you can recover from the past. I hope someday it will be possible for you to lead a new life without having to work so hard to be in control and to feel powerful at all times.

    1. I beg to differ on the women getting away with sexual abuse. There are a few teachers in jail right now for it. I am sure there are many more being punished.
      Sexual abuse has only been addressed since it has been out in the open in the last 25 years. I credit people like Oprah for shining the light on it and not letting it be put back in the closet. At least in the US.

      1. I am a survivor or childhood sexual abuse and rape at age 19. I have demons. I bet there are many on here that are survivors of this.

        HG turned the hate outwards, I turned it inwards. I tried to take my life twice. Once at 16 and once at 19, a week after the rape. It is still there. I fight this thought.

        I know he can manage his disorder. He is strong and intelligent. Perhaps when he exposes them, it will set him free.

        To manage your trauma and the aftermath is an every moment thought.

  5. HG,
    As you can see from everyone here, there is nothing you can say that would evoke repulsion. If you were to just be “yourself” and not put on a facade you would still get fuel, and obviously undying love. No one on here knows you in real life and they care, empathize, and provide what you need in order to “survive” so why would a person in a relationship with you do anything less???
    I will always love my NP, and I know what he is, and why. Your broken, sometimes the most priceless people are. Breaking others will never make you whole, it just decreases your value. If you know all those things about yourself from therapy, you have your confidants and fuel here, your making the world a better place, when is it all gonna be enough?

  6. Courageous for you to reveal this, HG. I hate them more than ever. If I were a judge, the punishment would definitely fit the crime of childhood sexual abuse, and it would not be empathic.

    I believe your match is out there. I hope you find her.

  7. I just was writing a question, but lost it. I was wondering if you see what’s behind the mask, Mr. Thor, and if you can please tell us when book is out as I was going to do a search on “What’s behind a Sociopath’s Mask” just the other day…

      1. My WP site is messing up on me πŸ™ and I am trying to get it back together. The book about your Inner Sanctum.

    1. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t actually think it necessary to keep detailing it, people understand enough from what i have written so far and it will form the book Dark Cupid which people can read if they want to go down the dark rabbit hole, otherwise there are many other differing works already written and in the pipeline for people to gain understanding. That is the primary aim. There are another 50 titles in progress.

  8. I’m not eloquent enough to add much to what has already been said. I know you have said many times that our fuel is not that potent for you since you do not know us. That is a shame, bc we are many and we do truly care about you and are sending you a tremendous amount of positive fuel. I truly hope you can feel it.

    1. I appreciate the sentiment Windstorm. I am going to have to gather you all in one spot and stand in the centre and allow all your fuel to wash over me in an awesome way!

  9. Everything Indy said❀ so true the immortality of this cylce. Is this why in part you decided against having a child?
    And it is incredible you have been processing all of this. That is huge progress in itself. I hope this becomes the beginning of the end for the beast inside and you are the first documented greater to heal thyself.
    Im assuming in no other platform have you made such revealed. Other than good doctors. I will be reading as much as I can and thank you for sharing. Wishing peace..in good time. It will come.

    1. Correct Ginger. I decided against having a child because they get in the way and detract from what I want to achieve.

      There is much to be done but I will be sharing it with you. Unpleasant as it is.

  10. In ‘Sex and the Narcissist’ HG describes cutting out body parts such as breasts, private parts, eyes, hair, etc. from nude pics of his discarded gf’s, placing each body part into a separate box, then rearranging parts into a scrapbook with pics of porn stars in promiscuous poses. He feels powerful doing so. I felt utterly disgusted. But now after knowing you were sexually abused by your aunt when you were just a child who is unable to make his own decisions, i feel sad for you again. However, i hope you will stop this scrapbooking habit. It is the most disturbing behavior of yours that i have read thus far.

    1. I’m puzzled because I’m not having the same reaction as others. You do not desire to cut up actual body parts.
      I see your scrapbook as your creation of the ‘perfect woman’.

      1. Yes Love, though it is very scary because of the level of objectifying. Never seeing you as a whole person. Flaws cut out and discarded. HG, what ever happened to being perfectly flawed? Flawesome❀️

      2. Naturally! And, look around at this flawesome bunch!! That is the spice of life. Having a loud laugh or a crooked toe, an ample bum or a flat chest, swear a bit much, not know what that fancy word for eggplant is or love a bit too much. Flawesome and fierce and worth being treated with respect. Just as you deserve as well. Go ahead, put a nick in your silk suit, eat something smelly in your jag! Own your bad ass flaws!

      3. Indy
        Re:flawsome bunch
        What IS the fancy word for eggplant? And why do you think his girlfriends are smelly?

      4. NA —LOL and ewwwwww
        The color of Eggplant that is used by Jaguar makers. (My favorite color of Jags). I learned from HG here that the color is called “aubergine”.

        My point was that being perfectly flawed is pretty awesome. That was love for me…when I loved someone and someone loved me, all the flaws and all. The ex I frequently refer to on here that did not have narcissism that recently passed away, he loved my flaws (well many, no sure if all of them were loved lol). I felt totally loved then.

      5. Hi Indy
        Hee hee. Ah yes Aubergine-I know it as a color but didnt make the link to eggplant. Im sorry you lost that man as it sounds he made you happy. You seem a very good person and Im glad you had that experience.

      6. Aww, thank you for your kind words.. Addiction is a bitch and a theif. And, I too am grateful for the love.

      7. Well there is nothing wrong with that. You’ve searched high and low for her, and have not found her yet. Maybe you have to create her.

      8. He explains in ‘Sex and the Narcissist’ that he cuts and pastes them in order to place the women in any sexual position he desires – to subjugate them, and then calls them vulgar names like ‘Firecrotch’, ‘Blowjob Queen’, ‘Dirty Whore.’ I had to reference back to the book for the names. HG you sick bastard!

      9. “planning”, naughty-naughty!! I hear that naughty laugh as you typed that.

        I do enjoy the dark scary aspect of all this, combined with fear, curiosity and “oh shit, no he didn’t” thoughts running through my head. Should I get the Scooby Doo gang out to pull off some masks? I’m not splitting up either or going in that damned cave!

      10. ***gives a Scooby snack**
        ***munch, munch*** pretty good, huh? ***speaking uncouthly, with mouth full**

      11. I know right?! I can only imagine what my name of endearment would be – Flaming C U Next Tuesday or something…

      12. Hahahaha….MLA. I think I might be “Cindy” with some fine biscuits. Well, that is what I would call me…hahahahhahaha, except the Cindy part.

      13. Huh? Um…i would have remembered reading this. HG, did you update that book from an original version?
        Oh, and I think you need to say ten Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers.
        Firecrotch? I’m at a loss of words. Which is rare.

      14. Nikitalondon and MLA, I am glad I was not the only one that missed this detail. I was starting to think I need some ADHD meds. Still may need some, LOL, but that is another story.

      15. Hmmm, adding to the scrapbook are we? Kim? Or a new, delectable choice you’ve attained pics of?
        I will in turn make you aware of me finding the legendary scrapbook section under “Positioning”.
        I remembered being disturbed at the part before with you playing director on taking group pictures while currently devaluing your IP and I had stopped reading for a bit. I must have started back up on the next chapter. It caused an uncomfortable trigger. So I guess lucky for you I missed reading the scrapbook at the time. I may not have lasted to my 1 year anniversary on here.

      16. I forgot my post was going to jump clear down the line from the one I was commenting on. It was meant to agree with what Love said – I see your scrapbook as your creation of the perfect woman. πŸ™‚

      17. You mean a beautiful woman who tells him how brilliant he is while making a gourmet dinner then bursts into tears and goes to sleep in the other room?

      18. Exactly NarcAngel. She then hardens her heart, transforms into a narc, comes out of the other room, slams the door open and gives him a present silent treatment all the while glaring at him with cold fury.

      19. If I may say, and I apologize Mr. Tudor if I am incorrect. I feel you do not like women. Perhaps you may even hate them. This goes back to the mother: the first love, the first definition of how a woman is to be. If you hate her, how can you love or value any other woman?
        So it is no wonder you are creating this new and perfect woman. She will possess a positive aspect of each woman you’ve been with. Since each of these women have failed you, you will only take the part that most pleased you.

      20. Hi Love,
        Misogyny is common in male narcissists, so I have read. HG, correct me if I am mistaken.
        I share this view of my ex narcissist. He hated the female voice. He was sexist. Females were less than.

        I do wish to make a point here…he is pasting together body parts for the so called the “perfect woman” (hypothetically, as I am not sure if he confirmed this was the case)….yet, where is empathy, intelligence, soul, wit, class in this scrapbook? It isn’t because it is objectification and an attempt to gather fuel from those he lets see it.

      21. Valid points Indy. Thank you.
        I want to put something out there and again I apologize. I do not mean to offend anyone.
        I am able to love men and appreciate them because of the great love I had for my father. He showed me the utmost amount of compassion and respect. In a way, I want to still keep loving him through the men I’m with. However, none of these men can ever take his place or even measure up to him. These men are all the exact opposite of him, narcissists.
        I am not drawn to females because my introduction to that gender was cold, controlling, and manipulative.
        I want to nurture (save) men from that abuse. Perhaps unconsciously save my father. I do not desire to do the same for females. I do not hate females but I do not want them as intimate partners because I do not feel that compassion to heal them.
        Mr. Tudor, why do you want females for intimate partners when your abuse occurred at their hands?
        Why would you not be with your own gender, because love was shown to you from that side?

      22. YOu are not being disrespectful at all Love πŸ™‚

        I hear you and I respect that you are able to look at yourself and your intentions deeply. It takes insight to do that! And, be careful. I, too, was a rescuer. I had to learn that rescuing others is actually not helping them. It is not giving them the opportunity to do it themselves. I had to learn this as a therapist, as being a rescuer is actually, and ironically, counterproductive to therapy. Empowering is what is healing. Empowering others gives them the tools to make up their own minds how they wish to live. I hope HG, with all his tools, decides to take a peek to what is possible when he explores inside his sanctum and function with less fuel. And, if he doesn’t, I respect that too. That is his (and every adult’s choice). I would never think to rescue someone as powerful as HG…indeed we all know he is powerful. Now, remind yourselves, all those “others” are also powerful in their own right(unless severely disabled, then get them professional help and leave if they are abusive.). They do not need rescuing. We have to rescue ourselves and “seize the power”.

      23. I have gathered that your father was a quiet gentle soul. He showed he was proud of you and admired you.

      24. So true Indy. I am a dichotomy within myself. I am drawn to narcissistic men because I want to ‘make up’ for the love my father didn’t receive. Yet, I am drawn to their narcissistic behavior because of my maternal upbringing. It would make more sense if I was drawn to empathic men instead…. Because they would not only be my father’s gender but they would also have his empathy.
        I was suggesting that maybe Mr. Tudor might not experience the same feelings of hatred or disappointment if he were to be with the same sex.

      25. Geez LOVE

        I dont know where to begin……. You like narcs because your dad didnt get love and youre maternal but you should want empaths cause theyre your fathers gender.?………and HG should switch to dudes?. Huh. Mindfuckery acheived.

        Also, if you dont give out your address they cant come for dinner but if he misses your cooking hasnt he already been there?

        Lastly: I try to pull out my empath side and I get rewarded with the ear worm that is Lionel Ritchie?

        I still dig you though. Hoog.

      26. Perhaps my points were misunderstood.
        1. I was raised by a father that showed me love and respect. For that reason I can give love and respect to men.
        2. My father however was an empathic individual yet I am drawn to narcissistic men. (That is why I said I am confused because I should be drawn to empathic men like my father)
        3. I suggested that Mr. Tudor might have feelings of hatred towards women because of the abuse he experienced from the maternal side.
        4. Since as he himself has said that narc sexuality is fluid, I asked if having the same sex IP would perhaps prevent him from putting that IP through the same narc abuse.
        5. When I left my last narc, I moved to a new location and never gave him the address. He ‘misses my cooking’ because I used to live at his house.

      27. Love

        Thanks for clarifying for my thick skull. I had the dad thing messed up and it didnt occur to me that your N didnt know where you lived. I’ll blame it on those damned Lionel Ritchie ear worms you sent me. MY husband used to listen to Britney Spears and on drive once I ejected the cd and tossed it out the window lol. So maybe you better not bring your “best of “on our road trip lol.

      28. I like the resoluteness in your reaction, NarcAngel! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ … he probably knew you did not like to listen to that, and taunted you… and you solved the problem swiftly! πŸ˜€

      1. Me either. I’m wondering if there was an updated version put out after we got ours? I think that would significantly stand out with me.

      1. That made me laugh now, NarcAngel! What the hell are we letting ourselves in for?! πŸ˜€

        I read this book because my narc was highly somatic. None of it surprised me. It saddened me because these practices are substitutes for real love.

  11. Well, you survived it. There’s an angel in the mud. I went to mass at 5.45 am, and said, O>K show me you’re real. My brain just kind of shut down, I felt, everything I’ve thought, felt etc, is pretty damn uselss, illformed, not developed, just shit. But I felt, something then.. in the silence, and it was a healing vibey thingy. I kept going and felt healing. You can only grow, from where you stopped growing.. and if you are a 9 year old emotions, stuck in an old reaction trauma, bit by bit, you can gradually grow up. It only takes another 9 years, and guess what, it can be a great journey. Peace dude. Bit of ossification to overcome, but you’ll be right.

      1. I think it’s possible, HG. I worked with someone that had some very haunting fantasies involving sex and death mixed. I never knew the whole truth, ever, due to the multiple lies and the multiple walls. The nuggets of truth shared with me showed me the dragon within…a space shared with an innocent inner child that was close to lost. Did the dragon scare me? Yes. And I will never forget the child shown to me too and I cared deeply for this person. This person taught me compassion and empathy in a manner I never thought I’d have for those that have such fantasies of maiming. I treasure those lessons. You give people more than you know. I’m routing for you.

      2. I honestly wish I had met you online and read your works before I had that client many years ago.

      3. Yes they would HG. I certainly did but either I or what I could do to help as a healer just wasn’t enough. Not a surprise though as I have never been enough or measured up enough to be worthy of another’s unconditional love other than he four fur babies I have had. HG, have you ever known of a narc getting involved with a SE and for her to have become so intertwined in and also has close to if not possibly as deep or deeper black than his/her inner sanctum to lose it. And by lose it I mean not wanting to go on with ones life simply because the effort that it takes to wake up and just breathe everyday without their false love is just to much to take anymore? I am so close to being there. I’m sure if I decided to be one of those people that halt traffic by standing on Ohio river bridge with the intent to jump that I would must certainly be chanted to and cheered on to doing it. Do you all ever think or care about the psychological damage that is done to us by your kind? Maybe I don’t want the true answer to that. At least not today any how.

      4. It probably depends on how you deliver the message, HG… slowly, bit by bit… an empath would understand, feel for you, and want to know more… and the story will be revealed over time… pace is important.

        Does your current partner know any of what is going on? Therapy, books, blog etc. (if you’d rather not answer that, I would understand, no worries).

        Just imagine what it would feel like if you revealed all and she would still love you! And you could be yourself: no more mirroring!! You would be free to just BE, and that would be okay! We would be so happy for you!! πŸ™‚

      5. In response to Matildas thinking if you reveal yourself slowly to an Empath and it could work out:

        Maybe. But if you get into an argument and the paper dolls come out I think all bets are off. But seriously, “normals” get bored and move on after things get familiar, so what chance does an Empath have in making you happy when you’re used to extremes. A lot of “normals” don’t come to you and say: oh honey-I’ve fallen out of love abd think we should move on. No. They lie, treat you like crap, and act like an asshole til you leave. You just take it to a whole new level. Bottom line: I think you’d just get bored. I’m already bored just thinking about it.

      6. I would still love you HG. My narc once told me ‘you’ll only be seeing your reflection.’ After i started my research and discovered narcissism, i informed my narc about the disorder. I told him he doesn’t need to mirror me anymore, and that i still love him, the real him. But mirroring comes so naturally to him, he still does it. Without the mirroring, he is very quiet and doesn’t know what to say.

      7. I can bet that every Empath and Super Empath you’ve encountered/abused in your life, HG, would’ve understood the pain and trauma you were exposed to as a child. I believe they would have accepted every part of who you are. You are an amazing person, man and human being and to the f**kers who harmed you, I pray they rot in hell. I pray for you to find your soul once again because you deserve to finally be free and feel love for yourself and others who truly do love you. I get that may not happen in this lifetime, but I believe in miracles and you’re one man who is deserving of just that. I am so sorry you didn’t get the love you deserved as a child, and I’m sorry your soul was stolen from you, but please know all of us here love you and want the very best for you in this lifetime.

      8. Yes I believe that someone out there will. If you let them. I do believe it needs to be someone who not just empathises but also has experienced trauma.
        I will repost this song as it says it all. https://youtu.be/R7M9TDWRUTQ

        I was five years old when I lost my innocence by a grown man. Babysitter’s father.

      9. I know that you need everything sorted out, and under control, before you make the first move to ensure it all unfolds as you envisioned. Have a little faith in others, HG!

        She cannot help you if you do not open up to her… only you know if you feel safe with her to do it… it takes a lot of courage, and you might be startled by your emotions, should they surface… have you seen her in similar situations of crisis, or react to something she saw?… that might give you an idea of how she might respond… in any case, why would she not still love you?… what happened during your childhood was not your fault… she would feel your pain… she will have wounds, too… we all have them… trauma is what unites us here… our wounds just have different causes…

        You would have to tell her the entire story… what you did to others… there is no point stopping half way through, she deserves to hear the whole truth… she would probably be quite shocked, as we are… but we understand why, and so would she… she would need some time to digest the horror, and it could end up either way… she might not be able to cope, or she might love you even more for being honest with her… if she leaves, then let her go… people who are meant to stay in our lives, stay, we do not have to force or manipulate them… if she stays, be grateful and realise what a lucky man you are.

      10. But MATILDA……

        You say it all near the end of your post. IF she leaves. i think this is the thing he cannot risk. That he would expose what he considers to be his weakness and shame and that he would then be rejected and wounded. The rejection and exposure to who they really are (and who they wrongfully believe to be inadequate) is what they cannot comprehend or risk and why they remain as they are (it works for them). Its like me telling you to run through fire and you wont be horribly burned but oh, if you do get burned, no worries- youll get better and can try again. He needs to make peace with who he buried deep inside himself before he can ever contemplate sharing with someine else. He needs to be ALONE without people to fuel him so that he can see he can not only survive but continue to be the exceptional human being that he is. People keep asking him to trust and share (especially with a female partner) but I think he needs the opposite- to be alone. Just my opinion though.

      11. You are welcome, HG…

        You could test the waters referring to a story similar to yours on the news or in a movie/tv show you watch together, or the papers you read at the breakfast/dinner table. You could make a brief remark and see how she reacts, and what the discussion reveals about her general approach to such matters.

        If I put myself in your shoes, I would probably ask myself before I say a word: ‘is this the person I want to confide in? do I feel safe talking? do I envision, and hope for, this person to be part of my future?’. If there is a ‘no’ in your gut to any of these questions, I would not go ahead at this point, and leave it for a re-assessment some time later.

        It is a very delicate matter, I fully understand. If you come to the conclusion that you want to share your past with her, you are in FULL CONTROL about how you deliver the message: you control the pace, and the LEVEL OF DETAIL you provide! I think that is crucial to remember! It must be the truth, but you decide it you make more general statements or go into more detail, it is a sliding scale…

        You decide if and how you talk about it. You are not in control of her reaction, that is the scary part. We can anticipate reactions, but we cannot know for sure. It could turn out either way… you would have to reach a level of stability within yourself, so, that you could accept the outcome, whatever her reaction may be…

      12. Yes, I fully understand that dilemma, NarcAngel. There are so many things to consider even before you say a word!!

        Exposure is information revealed, but it is not ‘all or nothing’! There are degrees of revelations from general statements about an unhappy childhood to detailing the full horror of the abuse.

        Rejection is always a risk, whatever you do or say in life. If we let ourselves be ruled by it, we will always remain trapped! It works for HG, but at what cost?! He spends his entire life, and his entire energy, keeping the hurt locked in and looking for fuel. He hurts so many others along the way. None of this is necessary!!

        To me, it is more like telling: ‘this is the fire pit, yes you will get burned if you run through the fire, there are different ways of tackling the run resulting in different outcomes, the burns will not be as bad as you expected, you will be free from your prison when you reach the other side!’ I would not sugarcoat anything, but obviously, I can only provide my limited perspective. We need to look at the issue from all angles and consider cause and effect thoroughly in order to provide a fuller picture.

        I agree with you, he needs to make peace with himself first… there are several paths: therapy (which was forced upon him but turned out to be of help), writing (which probably works best for him), and talking with loved ones (if you can trust them enough to be vulnerable with them!).

        Yes, I second that: solitude has its healing power. Silence forces you to focus, to examine your wound! No phone, no internet, no TV, no newspapers, a few good books, a journal, a pen, and no living beings in sight apart from birds chirping in your garden, that is really all you need. I am not sure if it would work for HG because needs people around him all the time… perhaps with proper fuelling beforehand… a weekend in complete solitude, without any contact to the outside world, how does that sound to you, HG?!

        It will also be interesting to see how you feel about sharing your story face-to-face after the publication of your books (‘Matrinarc’,’Little Boy Lost’), HG…

  12. I am so sorry you experienced these severe abuses at the hands of those you should be able to trust as a child. You were violated in ways that no one should ever endure, ever. The work you are doing now in therapy is an attempt to stop the perpetual need to build that encasement of all this by fuel. Not only is childhood abuse repeated generations down, it is endless in the mind of the individual. Immortal Relived over and over. This is what folks with PTSD, BPD, NPD, ASPD and abuse survivors all endure, chronic terror encased in an inner chamber. Splintered and compartmentized memories. This is sometimes why some people cut, drink, become addicted to drugs, and or kill themselves. Yes, you have a strong hold now though you are breathing life into this abuse over and over into the lives of others by your abuse on your IPs and secondaries….giving it immortality. This therapy will (hopefully) stop the life of the ghosts and memories of the original abuse. You will never forget, no. But to have them at your side as strength beyond your understanding. Through suffering we develop callouses and scars that make us warriors of life. The word stomach is brighter than the sun, colder than the moon and grounded deeper than any oak.

    1. My goodness Indy, your words trigger my tears everytime! Now my face is raining.
      So powerful. So beautiful πŸ’œ

  13. It is only natural that one does not want to speak about traumatising events, I completely understand that. If it is too painful to speak, you could write an account of what happened and give that to your doctors…

    You say there is no point now bringing up the past… the past is what keeps you stuck, what has been torturing you ever since, what you need to free yourself from… would it not be wonderful if you had no more creature to have to keep in check every second of the day? if it was gone and replaced by serenity…

    I feel for you, we all do. We want you to heal, to live and strive not just to exist… what happened must have been so horrendous… you do not have to share it with us if you think that is too big a risk… but if you do, we will share the burden of your pain…

    In terms of seeking to physically harm others, just remind yourself that none of them is worth throwing your life away (going to prison)!! Abusers other than your ‘mother’ probably have more than one victim. If they can be found, and if the perpetrators are still alive, then you might consider bringing them to justice via the court system in a joint effort. This would be traumatic in itself but no more than the initial trauma, I believe.

    It all starts to make sense now… I know you don’t like to be touched, but you really need a hug now…. a group hug πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you Matilda.

      I will be writing about it (indeed I am doing so at present in the books) so you will be able to read about it.

      I will deal with it in my own way. I have always had to do so, I do not expect anything else.

      1. Boy you really have a bunch of codependents following you who feel the can save you. They are in love with you which makes the intent of all your writings suspect and not interesting to me anymore.

      2. Hello Eve, I doubt that the number of co-dependents here outweighs any other group of empathic individual. Perhaps some are in “love” with me, but most are appreciative of the knowledge and understanding which is dispensed here. It is of course an empathic desire to try to help, save or fix, hence why there are such comments. Those comments come from people who are not codependent either. The intent of my writings is very straight forward; the brutal truth of how my kind think and act. Simple as that.

      3. Well put, HG.

        I would also like to add that some of the playfulness you see here, Eve S, is actually coping with the inconceivable horrors each of us (empaths, codependents, naricicsts, socipaths) have experienced. Coping with humor and laughter is actually shown to heal so much faster. This is heavy stuff, stuff that have led many to loose everything. If you get stuck in the heavy, sometimes you never come out to breathe and smell the rest of the world for its beauty.

        I understand your concern, as it is a culture here that seems incomprehensable. It is not. It is actually developing a higher understanding of both our experiences and our role in maintaining the toxic dance as well as the very rare opportunity to pick the brain of a very intelligent and articulate man who also identifies himself as having narcissistic sociopathy. Are there some here that take it a bit far? Perhaps. And, no one is here to judge.

        I hope you stick around, Eve. It is actually quite healing here. With time, you understand better.

      4. Eve stern, i am co-dependent but hardly ‘in love’ with HG. We do enjoy teasing him in good fun. What i feel for him is an admiration for opening my eyes. I was suicidal before i found this blog. Countless therapy sessions did not help me. Studying narcissism from the psychological perspective helped a little, but not enough to answer all my questions for why my narc did as he did. HG has the answers, and that too in such an enjoyable writing style. It may seem like we are in love with him, but we are actually in love with our own narc, and we flirt with HG to distract us from the pain we feel daily in dealing with our narc. We also like giving him positive fuel since he does so much for us here. He answers all questions in the comments section without charging us, and that is very rare for anybody to do. Nobody and i mean nobody understands what i am going through except HG and the people on this blog. ‘Oh he got angry again just leave him’ they say. They don’t understand why it’s so difficult to leave. Only here can i regain some sense, otherwise i would lose it. Thank you for listening.

      5. Similar to PTSD prior to finding HG, I was a barely functioning Hot Mess. I’m in a better mental state however feel in a perpetual purgatory of numbness still from the Narc who led me here. Besides the love I have for my daughter, I constantly doubt if I’ll ever be able to feel that all consuming “in love” feeling again. That makes me very sad. Without actually meeting HG, face to face, it is impossible for me to be in love with him. However I care deeply about his well being and he knows I consider him a friend.

      6. I’m not in the business of saving people. I’m not codependent. I’m not in love with HG. I do love what he teaches us. I do hope HG heals. Over and out.

      7. Evie Eve. It doesn’t become you to hate.
        Why does it bother you that people love Mr. Tudor? I love him because he is incredibly brilliant and so wise. I am happy that I can experience such an emotion! Are you angry because you cannot feel love? I would be upset too.
        I am sending you some feel good energy … Hopefully that will thaw out your heart. ❀

      8. Hi Eve,

        HG created this blog, a safe space for both him and us, and finds the time to maintain it despite his busy life. He offers valuable insight you will not find anywhere else, answers questions patiently even if this means repeating himself, and you can challenge him unscathed – in moderation, of course, as everything in life :-). That’s pretty awesome for a narc, I dare say!

        You cannot feel love for someone you have no deeper connection with, but you can feel empathy for him and appreciation & gratitude for what he is doing here.

        When I stumbled upon this blog, I was already well informed but seething with rage… some things still did not make sense to me… there was no closure in my mind… I could finally get this closure here, and that is such a blessing… I want to know everything, every little thing there is to know about a narc. Because I know that I am susceptible to this type of man, and I want to be able to see through them in an instant, detect every little act of BS, in order to stay narc-free from now on. HG is offering insight, we are offering support and perhaps new perspectives… everybody wins, that’s how I like it!

        By the way, I am an empath, I have got too much of a temper and not enough patience to be a co-dependent! πŸ˜€

  14. The beast within the trauma the horrid memories…. I only can imagine that noone is allowed because firstly You would feel vulnerable and in danger. … as if You feel guilty of that past because You’ve been conditioned to feel that way… It is a place noone would want to visit unless You ready … to face Your inner child because only by doing so You will be free… I did so not long ago. .. Last couple of years I had to face my past and under myself and that nothing was my fault as a child…. Yet I will always feel disgusted by it….

    Recently I’ve read a horrendous news about a woman who tried to expose a paedophilia in Australia child trafficking and tortures…. murders… rapes… rituals which probably are only available to see on Dark Web… she wrote article very long one and included pictures and sketches of what she remembered…. I still can’t forget that…. It’s the worst what can happen. .. childrens who are being kidnapped or born without even a provided birth certificate …. already stigmatised by GOVERNMENT and celebrities. .. those who rule the whole world…. those who want New World Order…. THINGS happening to children those days… the emotional and physical abuse …are sooo disgusting and mostly happening in the elite families. …

    May I ask dear G. ….is Your matrinarc THE ONLY reason You have suffered as a child? I know there is a book coming but I’m curios. … xxx

    1. Great post and i know who youre talking about i seen a documentary on that australian guy. I only watched a few mins and stopped. That was too much and once you see these things they change you and your view. That can be good but also skew it too because there is so much good in this world.
      I do understand about dissociating from ones past as a means of survival and its scary to try and revisit that place. Especially in severe physical and sexual abuse.
      I was about 7 when i was sexually abused by a babysitter. For yrs i forgot about it or so i thought. Into my adult yrs i had pieces of memory from this popup usually triggered by something i seen. I think its the minds way of coping. To this day if something triggers these memories i feel very dirty and ashamed. Its just automatic. My parents never did any legal action as it was a friends teen who did this.
      My mother endured a lot as a child. A raging alcoholic mother who i suspect was bipolar. Terrible emotional abuse. Then an emotionally abusive marriage full of lie and cheating. She also lost a son a few days after birth. She has never been easy to talk to in the way of any type of empathetic response. We both went to counselling and the pschologist could never get her to admit to times in her life that were difficult. She would just say…i dont focus on the negatives in life. At the time i really needed her to be there and identify with me. She also will never admit to fault or apoligize. They tuck that part deep away. Vulnerability is painful and terrifying. I do sympathize.
      That all said being with a narc or having narc family members trickles into your psyci. This has really damaged me in a lot of ways. Its opened my eyes too and ive learned a lot but ill have a very hard time ever trusting a man again or people in general.

  15. I do wonder about his sanctum. Ive obtained a few tidbits of the past but with a narc you never know what is truth and what is put on. His dad seemed very narcky and physically abusive. He seemed the closest to him yet disliked him.
    One thing i do know is when we get too close he will do something to cause a problem and im sure its to distract from that closeness. Its very frusterating. This is why you can forget about building anything substantial with this disorder

  16. What do you think would happen if you opened your inner sanctum? What would happen to you? What would happen to those who see it?

      1. Yes, your new reality would be different. What if you embraced change to see where it would take you? You only know for sure what is at the other side if you cross that bridge… we can give you glimpses of what might await you, but it is you who has to embark on the journey. What would be the alternative?

      2. Oh BS, HG!!
        I visualized you as a child, with stubborn face and hands on hips saying “I am not scared of the unknown!” What it will do to you, IS the unknown! Give Jaded some cred here! Your word jujitsu, dude!

      3. Thanks for the backup, Matilda, NA and Indy. HG, now you sound like a parent who says…I love you but I don’t love what you’ve done…lalala. You would have been a good parent in that respect.

      4. Now now Empaths, let’s not gang up on our beloved narc. We love you Mr. Tudor and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.

      5. Love, you are hilarious.
        HG, never does what he does not wish to do.
        Though, to be honest, none of us have a choice. We all change with time, like it or not….muah ah ah….

        In all seriousness, the comment I made above was not intended to “make” HG change. I do not have such power, anyway. No one does. Only he has that power to make a change within and it is totally his choice. And I respect that. The intent of my comment was actually quite intentional. It was both, pointing out that 1Jaded1 had a legit point. 1Jaded1 had expressed in the past that she wished she had more psych insight. I wanted to support that she DOES, she spotted it here. There is fear involved, like it or not. Further, I wanted to point out that this was an example of language twisting. Sorry, HG, I know I seem harsh on this one. I do not intend to be harsh. I still like you and respect you. It is my nature to also challenge.

        Love, it is in your nature to be a peace keeper and spread love around like buttah. We love you for it too! And, be careful to not get stuck in my tar pit, the rescuer tar pit.

        Hooogs

      6. Indy, thank you. I did get the word twisting and had the intention of responding…but I didn’t. I would have in the past. Just another testament as to how HG is helping me. I know what I said and am standing by it.

        Love, you are a joy on this site.

      7. Jaded1 I knew it!!! See, you got this!!!! And good job not taking the bait πŸ™ƒ I still take bait sometimes πŸ˜‚ Thank you, I enjoy seeing you here and reading your insights presented with occasional tongue in cheek πŸ˜‰

  17. Is, or can some type of adult abuse during childhood in part to blame for the inner sanctum HG? He told me he had witnessed his father beating on his mother at the age of five and wanted so desperately to be able to help her but could not as he was so young. He absolutely HATES his father’s guts. He also admitted to me he was sexually abused by a man his mother brought home from a bar one night. I think that really has messed with his head horribly and it’s understandable of course. But, I too was sexually abuse at the age of 4 1/2 and it didn’t turn me into a narcopath. If anything I think it probably helped in my becoming more of a SE than just and empathy in general. I wish I could help him. In so many ways he appeared to be the perfect gentleman. There wasn’t anything that I ever asked him to do or help me with that he wouldn’t do. I just miss my faux best friend so much.

      1. Did your Aunt sexually abuse you? And worse yet, if/when Mum found out she looked away?

      2. I see. That was a huge leap of faith to answer my question. Thank you for that. That was a treacherous burden Little HG had to shoulder when he didn’t understand why it was being done to him. Even through to now. I get the “Beware Keep Out Sign” you have.
        Little HG was the bravest little boy and stronger than he ever knew possible back then.

      3. You are welcome Clarece. You will note from the brevity of the response that was all I wanted to state on the topic at this time and was not a manifestation of being curt with you.

      4. I absolutely understood. That is extremely delicate. Small snippets, then tabling for another time is really best.

      5. That is why I am detailing it in books, so I can move at an appropriate pace. Believe me, after I detail certain events, my response in the ‘real world’ has not been pleasant at all.

      6. oh Gosh… dear G…. it’s midday and that one comment made me cry and UNDERSTAND everything now… !!!!!!!! I can’t put in words how much I feel for You 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I have no words to describe what I feel now….
        I AM SO SORRY that You went through that…. I am full of hate towards people who did it for You!!!! I will ALWAYS ALWAYS stand by You and won’t anyone ever abuse or hurt You. I hope I will have my tiny spot in Your army….

      7. Oh my God. I feel like my stomach dropped. I’m so sorry Mr. Tudor. It is no wonder why we love you so much.
        I think we all want to nurture that child within you. You deserve to be free…. You deserve to be happy.

      1. I agree with HG on this. Some stories haunt you for a long time and if you are highly empathic you can be susceptible to secondary trauma. Before reading deeply painful accounts I suggest you prep yourself and process openly if anything triggers stuff.

      2. Maybe the creature is the part of you that wants to physically harm or kill people and exterminate them . You know that will result in legal punishments and prison so you have to keep it in check .

        Is my theory correct ?

      1. You are getting that psych education here and in your past experiences. You have a keen mind, Jaded1. I learn everyday and still trying to figure out what truly separates sociopathy from psychopathy (besides a gut, hair on back of neck response in me).

      1. And yet you don’t want to acknowledge that you experienced trauma as a young child?

      2. Oh you are up way past your bedtime and just being pigheaded and stubborn. Go sleep on it.

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