Just The Way It Is


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.


16 thoughts on “Just The Way It Is”

  1. Simply beautifully put to help me understand where I’m at right now. I heard a song today that will not be everyone’s taste but the lyrics explain my pain as the empath that I am. Its called Blood by In this moment. I’m curious what HG would think of them. Maybe I’m just having a dark day…

    1. Hello Nicole.
      He played that song to me. The first verse with the ‘I hate you’ to me is towards the narc and the second verse with the ‘ I love you’ I feel, is relevant to us, as no matter what they do we still love them.

  2. HG,
    With regard to repetitive exposure to the same stimulus, we all experience a reduction in stimulus response intensity and pleasure. ALL OF US. It is indeed, in your words, and you are well aware that this is an addictive dynamic. One can never have enough, “drug tolerance” builds fast, and either an increase in “dose” or novelty in “drug” is needed to get those synapses firing off excitedly again in that dopamine region. All of us experience this….and it is up to us to stop the addiction.

    Interestingly, I just read an article on more modern thoughts on treatment of addiction. Freedom from addiction is not abstinence, it is CONNECTION. You see, addiction creates solitude and isolation (bolt hole anybody?). True connection is what is needed to break this cycle. Will you let your dream of “true love” break through? It might be the path to “sobriety”.

    So many addicts (and narcissists) say:
    -Its not my fault, its your fault…
    -I wouldn’t use if you….
    -Oh please help me, I cant by myself…..
    -Just one more time….
    -I am not funny when sober….
    etc., etc.

    It’s all BS. It is up to you.

    1. We can find you quite boring too, the difference is we are too polite to show in order not to hurt you and you are so self centred that you don’t realise till we are so fed up no hoover can save you.

  3. I understand narcissism a little bit more. It makes no contact with my family that much easier. It also diminishes the pain they all caused me. My pity for them is growing and the emotional hatred of them is lessening. I’ll always hate them but it’s more of an annoyance hatred than a ripping of my heart apart hatred. Thanks Mr Tudor.
    This has been a long road. First it’s my family, then friends and now I have to put up with listening to others talk about trump. I can’t and won’t listen to him directly. It sucks to have been exposed to these creatures all of my life. At least I understand for the most part what’s really going on now.
    The Midwest is either infested with narcissists or are being controlled by them.
    Hey Midwest trumpsters! If your town’s economy is bad move to where the jobs are! That’s what adults do to take care of their families.

  4. Then you should learn to spice it up a bit… if you tire of strawberry then add cinnamon to it. Same applies to relationships… get creative… or find someone who is and make it a more effortless journey.
    Don’t be like my ex, “I shouldn’t have to work in my relationship, I work hard day in and day out… if anything, you should work harder for me.”

    Last laugh is on him… I did work harder and now he doesn’t have me. 🙂

  5. You lose interest so easily not because she is a boring, bland person… it is because everything has to revolve around you at all times, and you either cannot perceive her qualities, you do not care to explore them if you see them, or you do not stick around long enough to really get to know her.

    We show the tip of the iceberg and you mistake it as all we have to offer. There will be someone out there who sees her depth as a person, and that is when she will move on. It is your loss, not hers…

  6. Hello. I’m new here, thou I have been reading here for a while. Let’s just say it’s been very helpful and I’m finally gaining some clarity, so thank you H.D.
    I wanted to share a song, that was played to me MANY a time, along with others that told me exactly what he is and what he thought of me. This particular one, to me, shows narciissum in all its glory.
    Its called Fish on by Lindemann.

    1. Hello Lucky, thank you for reading and for saying hello.

      Yes that video is entirely apt. I do not care for the song but I found the video entertaining and I did laugh at the “my rod is stiff” line.

      1. I know HD was a typo but HG in HD made me laugh. You are no doubt in 4k on The Your Tude channel.

  7. Good analogy with the ice cream but you could have called that post Selfish and bored. Thats all it is plain and simple-nothing special there. Most people do get, and that’s why most of us aren’t with the first person we hooked up with, the divorce rate is so high, and cheating is rampant. Hell I don’t even believe we were meant to be monogomous. Even those in long relationships if you get to the real truth are mostly just trudging along resigned to being friends or parents together but the excitement is long gone. So stay single. Simple. Try a different flavor every night, switch to frozen yogurt, but don’t hand me this shit that you need to stick with ice cream and intensity the flavour when the truth is you just don’t have the confidence and balls that you profess to have to try something new.


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