LoveSex Addiction

lovesex

In many instances there is often the lament following discard (and even escape) that although your experience with our kind was horrendous beyond measure the sex was out of this world. You miss the sex to an incredible degree. The sex was mind-blowing, intense, hugely satisfying and unlike anything else you have known. Now I know this is not always the case, there are some of our kind who are not interested in sex and some who are useless at it and in those instances you have more than likely been ensnared by a Victim Narcissist. That is not the topic of discussion today. Today we focus on those of our kind who are the sexual Olympian who thrilled and delighted you between the sheets (and plenty of other places too). One of the reasons our kind uses sex as a weapon is because of the addictive quality that we create around the sexual experience you have with us. Why is sex with us so addictive? There are actually several reasons, but the one I wish to focus on today is the concept of LoveSex. This is the link between Love and Sex.

We do not dissuade you from making such a link. In fact we positively encourage you to do this. The way that we seduce you and the way that we love bomb you is designed to inject love into sex so that they effectively become indistinguishable from one another. We are fully aware that irrespective of how self-sufficient you may like to think that you are, how independently you might lead your life, you still have that desire for the white knight. Again, this relates to the way that you have been conditioned by society to regard love and romance. We know about this and exploit this. An honest examination of your thoughts and feelings will result in your admitting that at least on one occasion you have wanted that dashing knight to come riding in on his charger, sweep you in his arms and then take you through to the bedroom where he makes tender and delicious love to you. You have been conditioned to expect to be treated like a princess and we do this when we place you on that pedestal during our love bombing of you. Sex is no different. You want to be taken care of in the bedroom, loved and made to feel special. By providing all of this when we have sex with you then we are blurring the lines between sex and love, binding the two together. Since we are so magnificent in our delivery of delicious and rewarding sex then this entwined sex and love causes you to feel a very special kind of love, better than anything else you have experienced before. We apply all of the loving techniques when we have sex with you. The tender, romantic, slow and caring way we caress and hold you before easing into you all accords with this almost dream-like perception of how sex should be. We do however go further than this traditional model of the handsome prince making sweet, delicate love to his beautiful princess. When we suddenly take you from behind, hitch up your skirt and bend you over a worktop or the back of the settee and have vigorous sex with you we will look to ensure that this type of sex is entwined with love. How do we do this? With words of course. Words come easily to us and are cheap to use. So as we are hammering away and you are admittedly enjoying this spontaneous and energetic sex we will be telling you things such as:-

“I just had to have you. You were stood there and I was overwhelmed with love for you.”

“I love you so much I needed to have you there and then.”

“You do something to me that makes me almost lose control. That is how much I love you.”

“I am so in love with you I just needed to be inside you.”

“You make me crazy in love, I cannot help myself.”

We reinforce this urgent sex with being linked to just how powerful and amazing our love is. The sex itself feels fantastic and when you hear those magical words being said to you from behind the two are melded together. The sex could not be regarded as romantic but that does not matter. Such rampant desire for you to be taken in this manner can only be a symptom of our love for you. This reinforcement will happen over and over again. From the obvious slow, tender love-making through to the quick knee-trembler on a table through to you fellating us in a parked car, we will cause you to associate all of these sexual acts as being manifestations of our truly remarkable love. Eventually, the word sex becomes eroded and every time we do something which is sexual in nature it is seen as love. Everything we do together in the sexual arena is born of love, is because of love and is a manifestation of love.

You are unable to resist this blurring of the boundaries between love and sex. You are not able to prevent sex actually subsuming the notion of love and cloaking itself in the name of love. This lack of resistance happens for two reasons. Firstly, the nature of our sexual couplings with you is so intense and enjoyable you want them and you want them repeatedly. Secondly, aside from the use of sex as a weapon, during the seduction stage you are being love bombed on lots of different fronts. We are saying beautiful things to you, writing you poems and love letters, buying you gifts, taking you to special places, looking after you when you feel ill, introducing you to our friends and so on. This onslaught of loving behaviour magnifies what we are doing on the sexual side. You are surrounded by loving behaviour so that it permeates into everything that we do with you, including sex. Accordingly, over time sex and love become bound up together. The great sex we provide to you translates as the marvellous love that we have for you. Sex is love, love is sex and it feels amazing causing you to become addicted to the sensation. We create lovesex and it is a powerful way of creating an addiction in you.

71 thoughts on “LoveSex Addiction

  1. Gabrielle says:

    ANK,
    You are spot on. I had a consult with HG last week and submitted more questions for a consult a few days ago and he told me mid-range cerebral. And it all seems to fit. I have read some of the books and see he has some slight victim traits as well. The fake “guilt”, the way he constantly preaches his morals (he is religious) yet continually does the opposite. And so on. Yes my ice cream analogy. I wondered if he was really a Narc too. HG told me yes, and that cerebrals are often “more talk” than anything which he definitely was. He prided himself in his words and made himself sound scholarly and important but then the horrible insults would come has he called himself things like “scum bag” and even saying he was not intelligent at all. He was quick to climax though. There were a few times where he lasted a little while but the majority of it was quick. “You were just so hot I could not hold it back”.

    I still wonder if he knows what he is. Or if it depends on the individual.

    And thank you for your kind words. I feel pathetic most days. But baby steps. Everyday.

    1. ANK says:

      Glad you got some answer from your consult Gabrielle.

      I still wonder if mine is a narc. I just feel I don’t know enough about him. I should have asked him question and then I would be able to think back to what he has told me to analyse. I’m just too accepting and don’t pry. I guess if he had been genuine he would have told me things about himself voluntarily. If he keeps things to himself less chance of him tripping himself up!

      When I slept with him on Saturday it wasn’t as long as before. He told me he was so turned on he couldn’t hang on any more. Really????

  2. Gabrielle says:

    I lost count of the number of times he stopped saying “I love you” and replaced it with “I adore you” or “I care for you”. I “care” for you? What the hell does that even mean? Also, he was married and said he would never leave his wife, but what he had with me was so special. The other girls? No they were all meaningless flippant flings, he would say. Every amorous sexual talk or text that came flying out at me was reaffirmed by words like “it is an expression of our love and affection for one another”. “Our love and affection is SO strong that this is just a natural extension of that. And we want to treat one another to all we have to offer.” “I don’t see anything wrong having a sexual relationship with a friend, it is just an natural extension of that affection”.

    Excuses for behavior I assume? He told me he’d had 30+ sexual partners. Yes 30 plus. It was probably more, I am sure he lost count.

    Question, if anyone is still following along with the comments for this article….do Narcs tend to do freaky weird stuff in the bedroom in terms of sex? This will no doubt sound disgusting to most but mine often asked me to go down on him but not swallow. Instead kiss him and share it so he could taste himself. And I did it. I did whatever he wanted. I was at his beck and call, starry eyed and love struck.

    Yet it was all so delicious and addictive. Every word you describe, was word for word how it was. I know it was all just fake, melded together into a sticky mess of fuckery and emotion, just like you indicate. I am fairly certain he is a sex addict, the way he behaved and the way he would also cut me off from it too, only to eventually fall right back into it like a sexually starved monster.

    I feel like a heroin addict in withdrawal. This has been one of the most challenging things for me to get past.

    1. ANK says:

      They sure do. You need to read Sex and the Narcissist. Brilliantly explained in there.

      But yes in my case he wanted me to bite him and he also wanted me to put my hands round his throat. I refused to do that though.

      It all started to feel like I was just a sex object. The cuddling and affection disappeared.

      1. Gabrielle says:

        ANK,
        I am definitely going to consider ordering that book. I am a bit nervous though, I have heard that this book can trigger people though. I am still struggling very much with the sexual memories. Do you think I should wait a little longer? Did the book cause you to become emotional or upset at all?
        But really…wow. Hands on the throat? Biting? That is interesting. I guess they like being bossy about what they want but maybe subconsciously they want to be “punished” for their behavior and not even realize it? He did whatever I wanted him to do as well but my requests were not kinky and were the typical “lovey dovey romantic crap” referenced in the original article. Like “pick me up and carry me to the bed”, “Gently touch my face and look in my eyes” and so on. Stuff probably so easy for him to do, the typical stuff that they do.

        I hear you loud and clear on feeling like an object. Sex with him was always incredible before, but the final time we were together was anything but that. There was no romance or sweetness. He removed my clothes so quickly, whipped it out and pulled me onto his lap. I touched his face and looked right into him, whispered his name and told him how much I loved him. But it was over in a matter of minutes as he told me point blank “I am going to come now.”

        My apologies for the graphic detail there. It helps to purge the thoughts that still torment me.

        I saw his eyes during and they were not the same anymore. They were just black and empty. Emotionless. It haunts me.

        Yet….I still miss him, love him, want him and crave him. The illusion of him I guess.

        1. ANK says:

          Gabrielle,

          No worries about the graphic detail – sometimes its necessary to properly illustrate what you want to say.

          Sex and the Narcissist was the first book I bought because I came to realise that his fuel was obtained through targeting women, seducing them and getting them into bed. I was doing searches for serial cheaters and sex addicts because that’s what I thought he was too. I’m still not sure, but the more I read the more I am convinced he is a narcissist because he has no empathy, no remorse, multiple women that he tries it on with, seeking new women when he already has one ot two.

          I stumbled across HG’s website by accident, but thank god I did, because it has opened my eyes and educated me. I’d never really thought before that narcissism was anything beyond someone who loved themselves, always preening in front of a mirror or their reflection in a window. I’ve come across other websites I’ve seen that talk about sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths, but the things HG writes about, although sometimes scary and sinister sounding, are so identifiable with. HG’s website is by far the best, not only because how he writes, but also because of the people commenting.

          The book did not trigger anything in me, apart from may be anger. It opened my eyes to what he is and I identified with the methods described in there that he used to seduce me. What was also interesting was the madonna to whore description, and the kinky stuff.

          I thought he genuinely cared about me. He didn’t in so many words say ‘I love you’ but always said how much he adored me, how gorgeous I was, that I was special, etc. etc., At the start he used to say he wanted to make sweet gentle love to me. That changed to having sex, and then f*&king. No need to couch it any other term any more.

          He bought me a sex toy for my birthday a year after we started sleeping together. I didn’t really want that and certainly not as a birthday present. He wanted me to bite his nipples because he said it went straight his c*$k and heightened the pleasure for him. He also said ‘we should get you watching some porn’. I don’t want to do that.

          I told him every time we were together it wasn’t just about sex for me, that for me to sleep with someone, my emotions have to be engaged, have feelings for that person, and I said to him the last few times we were together before I found out about the new woman ‘You know how I feel about you don’t you’. He never said anything, only that I was amazing in bed, I was gorgeous. All lies probably just to keep me.

          After I found out about the new source I slept with him about four more times. But I felt like he was just using me for sex just because he could and because I was letting him, in my desperation to keep him. But because I basically felt like a sex object, especially the last time, I wasn’t able to do that any more. I remember one time in November when he was over for dinner and I accused him of texting her. He said he wasn’t that did I want him to say he loved me when he didn’t. He said I was going to live with my mother anyway so we wouldn’t have been together properly, blah blah – gaslighting. After dinner sitting on the sofa, he proceeded to undress me. He had me on the sofa. It felt like he was punishing me when he took me. For challenging him?

          He lies and continues to lie, even though I know about the new woman and have told him to just be honest. An he is lying to her- telling her that he loves her, yet still sleeping with me. I know he still wants to have me, but I put a stop to that.

          He lies about everything. For example he sent me a message on WhatsApp at the weekend. First time ever through WhatsApp. So I replied by asking if the message was meant for me. He said although he was nearly 60, he was still capable of sending a message to the right person. I said you don’t usually use WhatsApp to message me. His reply – he had to download all his contacts on it to do so. Well I’ve seen that he has been in WhatsApp before several times. Why bother making up some cock and bull story.

          Why is that HG? Why lie about little things like that? Because he is so use to lying, can’t help but lie all the time?

          I said that must be exciting for him, using WhatsApp. His reply -most exciting thing I’ve done in a while. My response, what even more exciting than shagging? His reply – no….chance would be a fine thing. I replied I thought you were getting that at least once a week. He came back with ‘who told you that’

          No one needs to tell me, of course he is arranging trysts with her, picking her up after work, both of them leaving work early so they have a shag at his place before she toddles off to her house to her husband, getting there he usual home time.

          He proceeded to tell me I was unbelievably good in bed. Another lie to make fall back into bed with him. I told him that I doubted that, that I was sure he has had better and is having better now. His reply ‘No……’

          It’s all so exhausting. And I keep asking myself ‘Why? Why would he do this?’

          But I know I will never get an answer, not a straight one anyway, just more lies and bullshit.

          1. Gabrielle says:

            ANK,
            He used to also tell me “the sexual part of our relationship is done” but he never meant it. He kept coming back around and bedding me saying things like “we needed this but oh we can go back to “behaving” now…).
            He too also praised me in bed to the point where he even said I was just so hot which was why he climaxed so fast. For someone who claimed to have 30+ partners that seems a bit odd. Then again who would like about having MORE partners in bed? He also said he lost is virginity at 23. He is 32! That is a 9 year time span for 30 people? And he’s been married for 8 years! Do the math! Ugh….

          2. ANK says:

            Gabrielle,

            If they can get it from you they will. That’s all they care about – not you, not your feelings, just getting sex. And they will lie and say whatever to get it. Like saying you are hot in bed, or in my case amazing in bed. Just done so that you will give more.

            Narchole has been married three times and I’m sure now he’s had countless women – probably lots of one night stands/one off shags.

          3. ANK says:

            Also climaxing fast – that’s making it on his own terms. He just wants to finish and piss off to wherever so says that you’re so hot he just had to come. Narchole has said similar. They are lying shits.

          4. Gabrielle says:

            ANK,
            Not that I wish to dissect every little thing (but I cannot help it now as I overanalyze it all so forgive me. LOL.)
            He prided himself in being the nicest most polite well mannered guy ever. THAT was his facade. Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Gentleman. Mr. Good Christian who played piano for the church service. While he may have been thinking “piss off you bitch” while doing his thing, he always conveyed it with sunshine rainbows oozing with polite niceness and theatrics. “Oh my God you are so hot. Just…..wow oh my God. I cannot hold back anymore.” There was an epic facial expression too as he climaxed, his eyes rolling back and then back to me shining bright, that image is burned into my eyes forever and still stops me in my tracks breathless. I believed it. I keep reminding myself it was not real. None of it was.

            BUT on the other hand I had to hear all his tales of WOE about his wife when he had sex with her. How his guilt made it so difficult for him to climax. “I love her so much, but it takes me so long to come….”

          5. Gabrielle says:

            P.S. LOL at the term “Narchole”. 🙂

        2. ANK says:

          Gabrielle,

          No worries about being graphic, sometimes its necessary to illustrate a point.

          The book did not trigger anything in me except may be anger. This was the first book of HG’s I bought because I came to realise that his fuel was basically the thrill of the chase and sex. I wasn’t really sure either whether he was a serial cheater or sex addict and it was when I was doing searches on married cheats that I came across sites that mention sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths. I stumbled upon this website by mistake, or serendipity. And it has been eyeopening. To me a narcissist was someone who loved him/herself, always checking themselves in the mirror or reflection of a window. Until I read the posts on this site and then realised that they are so much more. Although the posts can at times seem sinister and scary, they are so informative and identifiable with. This is by far the best website on narcs, not only because everything is so well written, and resonates but also because of the comments.

          The book explained a lot about the seduction, the sex, and the transition from Madonna to whore. Reading it my reaction was Oh my god, this is exactly what he did, what he does.

          At the start he wanted to make sweet gentle love to me. This changed to just having sex, and just f*&king towards the end. I told him often that it was more than just sex for me, that I had to have feelings for someone in order to be able to sleep with them, and I even told him ‘ you know how I feel about you don’t you?’. He only responded to say I was amazing, gorgeous, that he adored me etc.

          After a year of sleeping together he bought me a sex toy for my birthday. Not really what I wanted, not that I expected him to buy me a present. He liked me to bite his nipples because he said the sensation went straight to his C*&k, heightened the pleasure, and similar for the hands round the throat, but that was no go for me. He liked to watch me come. Even said ‘We need to get you watching p*rn’. Well I’m not into that.

          We end up doing these things to please them, make them happy. Somehow it all ends up feeling degrading. Even when I found out about his new source I slept with him a few more times in a bid to keep him. But after the last time I decided I didn’t want to feel cheap and told him that was it.

          I remember back in November when he came round for dinner he was texting the new woman right there in front of me, and when I pointed this out he just started lying about it and then said ‘what do you want to me to do, say I love you when I don’t and anyway you are going to go live with your mother’ I never said that. Gaslighting.
          I asked if he had ever loved any of his wives. He never answered that but proceeded to tell me how he ended up marrying them.
          After dinner he proceeded to undress me, like it was what was expected. He had me on the sofa, but it felt like he was punishing me.

          Even though I know about the new woman he continues to lie even though I have asked him to be honest. He sent me a message on WhatsApp at the weekend. I asked if the text had been meant for me. His reply was to say that although he was old, he could still manage to text the right person. I said that he didn’t usually text through WhatsApp and he implied that he had only just started to use it. A lie because I have seen him online before.

          Why does he needs to lie about little things like that HG? Because he is use to lying about everything? Can’t help but lie all the time?

          Any way I said that must be exciting for him. His reply – the most exciting thing he’d done in a while. I said ‘what even more than shagging’. His response – ‘no…. I wish…’ I replied that I thought he was getting a shag at least once a week. He came back with ‘who told you that.’ He proceeded to tell me I unbelievably amazing in bed. I said ‘I’m sure you’ve had better and are having better now’. His reply ‘No….’.

          All bullshit lies to make me sleep with him again. Don’t know why he’s bothering. Of course he’s shagging, arranging afternoon trysts with the new woman, both leaving work early so that they can go to his place and then she can toddle off back to her husband, getting home the ‘normal’ time after a day’s work.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            A good post ANK, thank you for sharing your experience. The lies are told to manipulate and to gain fuel. They are necessary to maintain superiority even though from your perspective they may appear pointless and ridiculous.

          2. ANK says:

            Thank you HG.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Pleasure.

          4. ANK says:

            Just to add I didn’t let on to him that I knew he was lying about being on WhatsApp. I feel the less I let on, the more I have the upper hand. At least in my mind!

          5. Gabrielle says:

            Hi ANK,

            First things first, I ordered HG’s “Sex & The Narcissist” book over the weekend and am almost done reading. I have found that I have not been able to really apply one of the types of Narcissists discussed to my situation. He did not really meet one of the 4 types. I would say victim or cerebral but he was too much of a sex addict. As far as somatic and elite he was not obsessed with his appearance or pleasing me, nor was he an Olympian (see more below about my thoughts of the reverse on that).

            Secondly, your situation makes my head hurt. So many mind games. Ugh….I am so sorry you are dealing with this crap. As much as I miss mine I guess it is a blessing in disguise he is far far away (LDR).

            Next, everything in your first paragraph describes how I stumbled on this site as well. Doing various searches and what not. And I, like you, thought a narcissist was just a fancy way of saying “egotistical” or something like that. Mine though? He had horrible self esteem and horrible self confidence. At least he said stuff that sounded like he did. He frequently would say stuff to me like…

            “I cannot mean this much to you”
            “I am one year of your life”
            “You need to detach yourself emotionally from me” (I too told him that I could never have sex with someone I did not love and I loved him and I always asked him if he knew how I felt and he was “yes I know”… and then he demanded I stop telling him that I loved him and was in love with him. He said he would “no longer reply to that if I said it”…What the F?)

            He also said stuff like….

            “You have this notion that sex with me is so epic, and it really isn’t, you just enjoy it so much because you seek validation from getting me to come.” Yes he actually said that word for word! I will never forget it. And yeah he was somewhat accurate about that. I was hellbent on pleasing HIM and often asked him the questions from the Narc perspective in the book. Like, was I good? Did I make you feel good? And so on? I would even ask him DURING if I was making him feel good. Does that make me a Narc? Seriously reading that part of the book where he was constantly asking for the validation during/after sex was pretty much how I acted during most of our sexual encounters. Except for me it was not a game, I really wanted to make sure I was pleasing him.

            My situation is that of an LDR which I think I may have mentioned. Because of this I have only seen him 3 times in the last year, our sexual encounters have not been THAT frequent. Twice one visit, 3 times the next and once on the last time I saw him. All of it somewhat rushed as I was the “secret” and while we were going at it his wife kept chiming his phone the entire time (and as soon as we were done, he would often text or call her back with some bullshit lie)

            What really makes no sense to me is that he “ended” our sexual relationship after our last visit. On the notion that he “has to do what is right for his family”. So what is he pretending to have a conscience now? I know my LDR makes this more complicated and I always say this over and over and wonder if he is really a Narc or just an idiotic ice cream cone of a adulterer/sex addict with a caramel swirl of Narc mixed in. That analogy sound so stupid but it was the best way to summarize my thoughts on the matter. And here I am thinking I am a Narc now because I was hellbent on pleasing him in bed instead of the other way around. I mean he was not super duper wonderful but he was not horrible either. I think I definitely put more into it. Then again it was more emotional for me I think. I hope I am making sense. Either way I still miss it and feel pathetic for feeling that way.

          6. ANK says:

            Gabrielle,

            I don’t think you can always put a narc in just one category, I think they can be a bit of more than one type. I would say Narchole is a somatic based on his desire for sex, but he is not overly obsessed with his appearance, just keeps himself presentable and clean. I would say he also falls a little into the cerebral because he is intelligent and clever. In more ways than one. Funnily though whenever I say his is the clever and intelligent one he always comes back with a ‘Hardly’ response. I would say that he could go at it for quite a while in the bedroom.

            There are days when I feel so bad about him, missing him, questioning why he did/does what he does, how he can treat me like this – texting, chatting everyday, to pretty much nothing. He is concentrating on the new supply and as far as m, he feels he has no accountability for the way he is treating me now.

            I hope for you the fact that it is a LDR that if you do not see him much, it will help you get over him quicker. As to the low self esteem of your narc, may be that was all to get your sympathy and to hook you in, and as for the rest, it is all games, part of the devalution/gaslighting etc.

            Him saying you were seeking validation I think he was just turning your feelings back on you, negating them in a way. Of course you wanted to make him come, because you wanted to make him happy, give him pleasure, because you love him. It was the same for me, I gave Narchole a lot more of myself than I did to the man in a previous relationship. Because I loved him and wanted to make him happy.

            Asking him whether you made him happy, made him feel good does not make you a Narc, because it wasn’t said for an ego stroke.

            I would hazard a guess that he ended your sexual relationship because he is getting that elsewhere, and the doing right by his family is just a smokescreen.

            I do like your ice-cream analogy. I still wonder whether Narchole is a narcissist. That’s the thing – I, and may be you, will never truly know.
            I guess you can be a bit of a narc. And I don’t think all narcs are as extreme, if that’s the correct word, as described by HG. He is probably writing about worst case scenarios.

            Don’t feel pathetic, because you aren’t.

  3. NoNarcs says:

    For the empath, its important to know the truth of how the Ns view us ( which is why HG and this blog is so valuable) But I won’t devalue myself and define myself through the eyes of the N. Let’s not forget these are disordered people who do not understand any rational truth.

  4. Ladies, I really wish you would put yourself first, just like they do. When they say, Come to bed and I will show you love or similar alway’s placing themselves mentally at a higher level- you must learn to turn it every-time..Suggest you say something like this: Oh you need to show me something that I taught you to make you feel good? I see. By the way I am going out to be with the real people, enjoy your room and addictions, you will anyway so your gain. Bye. Then he screams and rages, trying to stop me by pulling out my energy…So sad, too bad! Outta there- nice people outside, genuine and real.

    1. noah80 says:

      Purpleribbonheing, thank you for your poit of view! I think that i could use your words in future if someone treat me again in this way…
      In his hands i felt as a prostitute or a sexual toys but never a loved one…never… but I rather listen to his words…because listen my sensations were too painful and unacceptable though now I know that it was the truth: he never love me… i was his toy.

      1. ANK says:

        Yep, we are all toys to them.

        I thought he cared for me, but when he found a new source I started to feel like a sex object and tart. No more talk of making love, instead its having sex and F&*king.

        They use words like love and make love to ensnare you, it’s all part of the illusion they create and future-faking. They wouldn’t know love if it kicked them in the balls.

    2. Donna says:

      Thank you for writing this. Its so fucking true and awesome you said this to him. Addictions come in many forms and they are relentlessly and fucking stupidly competative on such an immature level. Its like their mom dropped them on their head when they were 7 and emotionally stunted them.

      1. Donna- funny lady lol…yes, you are correct! They may as well dig a hole and bury their feet in the sand and remain put in the ocean. They remain obstinate and defiant and inflexible, rigid and uncompromising. Best left for barnacles to attach to them because they get off and yielding to any other than the one that has taken the brunt of their crap. Their rages and tantrums are completely opposite to the way they can suck in their butts with pride and arrogance and retain a 100% stubborn self-agreement to obstruct anything you may suggest or attempt to diffuse a conflict. MIne did say he believed he may have been dropped on his head’ because his hairline (crown of black glory) is only 99.9% perfectly aligned! Jeepers to self analyse the most slightest level of the way the hair sits using the excuse he must have been dropped on his head and that caused it gives me every reason to believe that this personality disorder is very common and greatly misunderstood! HG is appreciated for sharing his mindset!

  5. Oh that rubbish again- You don’t seem to know or be able to love-truly and deeply love, I would say. His reply..come to bed and I will show you love. Really I would say..so how come if that is your version of love you really love, that you play musical beds and your room my room crap. I would say, you have lost me right there you d…head! If you think you can show me love in a bedroom but not anywhere else I think that you just ought to stay in your private abode and engage some prostitutes. Don’t mind me I will go out and spend my time with real people, not curious boys lining up to get laid at the nearest brothel, I would say. How disordered to have an attractive partner and lower her to prostitute only status…Oh F*** him..I also said, and since you can’t touch or be genuine, then don’t use your filthy fists to prove a point, go to a fight den and fight with real men!

    1. PRH, “musical beds” lol 😂

      Yes, my narc likes to live on the edge too. You raise an interesting point. He does not realize he needs fuel, being a mid-ranger. Only the greater HG seems to have that awareness 😉
      I wonder if it is the need for fuel that creates a desire for high stimulus, or if it is the need to relinquish their boredom (due to emptiness inside).

      1. I’ll take the gamble that it is to equip them to shun the self betrayal and dishonor to themselves by themselves and an avoidance of looking within to that place (their authentic self) that they trashed and self abandoned, made their own judgement upon that may have reinforced by those who coerced them to do so. Addictions come in many guises and you may have heard the saying, swap the bitch for the witch. This implies that one replaces one addiction with another to get clean but is no cleaner as they simply swapped from alcohol to say, dope. Usually they go back to the witch and use the bitch as a crutch if that makes sense.

        1. Good point PRH!

  6. noah80 says:

    Since the first time that I had sex with him he was passionate but cold, he has never sent me love, I told this many times but he has always told me that he made love, that it was not just sex fo him…
    I don’t know to explain better but he not sent me any feeling, I was the only one to feel the swirl of emotions and feelings as to obscure the reason, he had the usual grin and he was very careful to be good-looking (and in any case for his pleasure above all, I passed into the background and sometimes left me unsatisfied purpose).

  7. Anna says:

    Sex is one of the things i missed the most at the beginning of the breakup, I couldnt get enough. Although many times he refused my advances, even calling me a nymphomaniac!! And when i stopped making advances, since feeling rejected was destroying me, he would turn around and say something like “i cant stop myself when im lying next to you…” and sex would follow… WTF!!

    1. Power and control- it is just a game to them. Everything is a game in their eyes. Very disordered people.

      1. yes. a pleasureable game

    2. ANK says:

      Ha ha, sorry not laughing at you Anna, but the fact that my N when I found about his new source, and asked him why he didn’t just tell me and break up with me said he still fancied me, and continued to let him be intimate with me several times more, but there was no affection/tenderness there anymore.
      And when I challenged him just last week about his treatment of me, and basically just using me for sex, he said ‘I can’t resist you’. I told him he didn’t turn me on anymore because he was treating me like a tart.

      I don’t think he will contact me again.

    3. Gabrielle says:

      Anna,
      He refused me at times as well. “The sexual part of our relationship is over”….

      Then the next time we are back at it!

      “My willpower is too weak!” he would say.

      1. ANK says:

        Mind games Gabrielle – to keep it so you don’t know whether you’re coming (no pun intended) or going.

        1. Gabrielle says:

          LOL ANK!!!!

          I last saw him in February before he discarded me again. We had sex (this was after the last time we saw each other where he withheld and said no more sex)….afterward he apologized….LOL. “We cannot do that again!” When I told him “you could have told me no….” (If he did I would not have pushed it, I mean I did want it sadly….). He just said “No….I cannot say no to you. My willpower is too weak….but we cannot do that again!” (insert eye roll emoji here) LOL.

          1. ANK says:

            Hi Gabrielle,

            I’ve not been on the site much of recent, been busy with work, which is a good thing.

            Did you find it difficult refuse the sex? All that talk about his a lack of will power is BS. He knew exactly what he was doing.

            I slept with Narchole on Saturday, despite my best intentions not too. But I felt somewhat detached this time. All that intensity of feeling for him was not there. I sort felt like I wanted to use him in the way he has used me. Don’t know if he senses it.

            I go through times when I feel numb about him, feeling nothing, to missing him, to asking why (AGAIN!) and wondering about who else he might be talking to in addition to the current supply. Everything he says now I just take a s a lie or him trying to hide something.

            Eventually he will just disappear, I’m sure…..

          2. Gabrielle says:

            Hi again ANK,
            I see two responses so I will combine my reply to make it easier.
            Re: Work. I can relate. Work has been crazy for me too. My coworker retired and I have absorbed much of her duties until they decide to hire someone else. IF they want to hire someone else. Guess I will have to wait and see. Either way work is a distraction which takes my focus off of the obsessive thoughts of “narchole” (LOL at that term). It is only at night when my mind races and I sometimes cry myself to sleep.

            Anyway, I too, wish he would reach out and hoover because I am so tempted to “test” him with the bits of info I am picking up here. Not that it is going to change anything but I still feel like I need to test all of this. Crazy as that sounds isn’t it?

            Yours did the same thing mine did last time we had sex. “You are so hot I cannot hold back” and the quick climaxing. He actually worded it quite desperately almost whining that he was about to come and could not hold back, so of course I was like “yeah okay sure if you need to then go ahead” because of course it was all about me pleasing him and doing what made HIM happy.

            In reply to your other question did I find it difficult to refuse sex? Oh good grief yes! The first few times we met up we were all over each other. Eventually he told me the sexual part of our relationship was over. I am not proud to admit that he had me begging for it. And he held my hands together while I tried to hug him. Held my hands firmly and looked at me and said “NO” to me. He then said “I will give you ONE kiss. ONE. And then I am leaving. We cannot and will not have sex again”.

            Next time I saw him? Hahahaha!! He had me within minutes. And after it was over “THAT CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN! I AM SORRY I AM SORRY!” I said “You could have told me no…” He says, “No I can’t. My will power is weak in person. But I mean it this time. IT CANNOT happen again. Because we are not seeing each other again. If you love me you will give me space and leave me be”. Oh and all of this was said in the most pathetic pitiful POLITE way ever. Apologizing. Woe is me. OMG the GUILT for cheating on his wife. Blah blah blah.

            But seriously I could never refuse. I craved him. I still do. It is (was) maddening, sickening. Addictive like some drug. The magnetic pull I felt to him just being in his vicinity. I have never been more attracted to a person. And looking back he was not really even that good at it either! I mean he was not horrible but he sure as hell was not the Olympian referenced in HG’s book. If I could see him right now I would let him have me. It was ridiculous and animalistic the way my clothes immediately came off when I was around him. Even if we’d just be laying down talking I would interrupt him to kiss him out of nowhere. I just always felt drawn to him in that way. When I read HG’s article about “we are now merged as one tell me how does it feel” that totally struck the chord with me. Mind and body I have never felt so pulled to someone before.

            You said you slept with your “narchole” this past Saturday? Despite your best intentions? How are you feeling about that if you do not mind my asking? I hope you do not think less of me or deem me pathetic for saying I am jealous. What I would not give for another night with him. As I said earlier above in my other paragraph, sickening isn’t it? Sickening that if given the chance I’d let him have me again. 🙁

  8. indeed. though his sex was ok. he just wanted it alot…..bc of who i am….a positive person always seeing positive things and believing those damn words…trusting (the devil)
    ….i tricked myself into believing he was better than he was and that his sex was better than it was. though deep down i knew he lacked…and that there had to be more than this..
    bc i am open and adventurous….it appeared like a fun ride…..but it was just abusive…
    it was always w my ex narc ex husband more of an obligation than actually pleasureable…..but i did try and went along with it all….as u know….
    but the cop. mm mm now were talking. 😉 that 1 i loved and looked forward to and relished in every single delicious hot sex filled moment. my ex will never hold a candle to that perfection.

  9. Adele says:

    My narc is amazing with the lovesex thing and this is what started the whole addiction process. It is exhilarating and exciting but devasting when they decide to use it as a tool to make you feel unworthy. Just another narc tool to use to control and this in turn taints any intimacy that can come from it which is what narcs hate anyways. Another illusion to get lost in

    1. No…you make it amazing! I often told this to my N. I made it amazing and I can with hold too the very thing he is addicted to thinking he brings out in me.

      1. Love says:

        I agree with you Purple. We make it amazing. Passion is the #1 criteria in great sex. They mimic. We have true passion.

  10. Sail Away says:

    Thank you for finally writing on this!!!! This has been the hardest thing to recover from.

    For the lower or mid-range narcissists, is all of this subconscious? The N I know truly does seem to have a high libido and genuinely need it.

    1. They have high arousal levels and that is why they are too thick to self identify that they enjoy the fuel=arousal even when they are acting like a bullock toward you and using their crazymaking crap. Arousal levels can be decreased but they are their own chemists and will not accept anything that dampens down their levels- they enjoy living on the edge, risktaking and are highly addicted to many sources to provide themselves arousal (fuel). They are disordered, remember.

  11. I am pretty sure I just want to punch my ex in the cooter!

    1. I am pretty sure that would feel good~must be why they do it so often!

  12. I love this one and do not mind the facade one bit as long as I feel “love”.
    I do not like the withholding one bit though… I guess that is when Lilith (hidden inside me) comes out to play.

  13. NarcAngel says:

    Ya. No. I don’t do love. Cant do what you dont know. But I can do sex.

    Question HG: how is it if you dont have these feelings that you can get the tender and caring part down? Who are you mimicking? You can copy a lot from porn but you dont usually see the tender caring stuff there lol. The rough stuff ya, but who are you studying to get this tender technique down, especially when you actually hate the intimacy. Hell there are normals that couldnt find our G spot if there was a sign posted and you could give seminars it sounds like. Its easier for a woman I think because most guys want some nasty and thats easy to portray, hell most of the time you dont even have to be there after you wind them up. Of course you try stuff and see how we react but that could take awhile and a lot of different women. There have been times when I literally didnt know if I could retrieve my eyeballs from up in my skull I was so bored. Now give me a crop and a few other tools……. but that figures for me now doesnt it? Care to share how you developed your techniques? Just a little peek?

    1. ava101 says:

      NarcAngel: great post as always. ;D
      My guess is: the reactions! Watching … While normal men are too concerned about themselves or their performance, their feelings … the narc is probably free to notice even the smallest signs. … maybe …

  14. In the beginning it was lovesex for both of us. During devaluation, only i used to say ‘i love you’, not him. This contradictory behavior confused and upset me. I used to cry. After the golden period was over, the only time he would give me his full attention was during intimate moments. That’s why i needed it so much. Otherwise he would be so quiet, cold, and distant. Intimate moments would include non-sexual activities too, like a relaxing massage, which he would often request. Any reason to remove his shirt and show me how great his muscles look. The sweat that would drip from his forehead while he lifted weights drove me crazy. He would also pick me up and carry me with great ease. So romantic… sigh.

    1. ANK says:

      Snap, although he never used the word love, just ‘I adore you’ and i would day it back to him. When he had started seeking another source unbeknownst to me,, he continued to compliment and flatter, and I practically told him I love him. Slowly towards discard I could sense a change in him when we were intimate.

      I use to give massages too, at his request them. I can see that I gave and gave, unquestioningly

      1. ANK, it’s confusing when they stop saying the ‘love’ word, or in your case when they substitute it with ‘adore.’ It’s difficult to understand their world, but thanks to HG i’m getting there! Your narc and my ex seem to like massages. HG, care for a massage? 😉

      2. ANK says:

        I think saying it easy for them – just a word with a means to an end. It is not love in the ‘normal’ sense but an infatuation and thrall/thrill during the seduction/golden period.

        I have heard him say I love you to his new PS – but it isn’t love is it when he was sleeping with me still. But in his eyes I was no longer Madonna but a whore. At least that’s how it felt he was treating me.

        Yes HG we are very good at massages, lol.

  15. DFA says:

    As I watch the sunset tonight thoughts will be of a different sort.

  16. Love says:

    This is very close to sex tourism that occurs in most poor countries with a high tourist rate. For example, in the Caribbean islands, there are males that will love bomb female tourists and then give them the best sex of their life. They will continue this lovesex addiction for the entire trip. The female tourist leaves bow legged and starry eyed. She is in LOVE. The percentage of these women that return is 99.9%.
    First trip is the golden period.
    Long distance romance is maintained.
    Second trip is devaluation. She is bullied into giving him money. Paying for his entire family of 10 (which could include his wife and kids). She is disrespected and devalued. She becomes the ATM. Yet the Lovesex addiction is so strong, that these women keep going back for more.

    1. Remind me to never go there without a guy, lmao….

      1. Love says:

        Oh DC, they are charmers. I’ve seen them surround a married woman the moment the husband went to the restroom. The sunsets on the beach, balmy weather, walks in the moonlight, and their beautiful physique greatly assist in the addiction.

        1. I believe it! Those who cave though, especially those married or with a long term partner, are weak or were never fully into their lover in the first place. Will power is seemingly lacking in too many people, if you easily stray you shouldn’t tie yourself to one person.

      2. Love says:

        I agree completely.

    2. Narcs world- plenty of fish to be hooked and plenty of vulnerable hearts that dishonour themselves and quite frankly all abusers use sex or and withholding as a tool it starts to make me wonder how cheap they must have felt as children and is this is why they are what they are. I remember a comment from N saying, Gee you’ve got all the goods I could make money off you!!!! Then came the only joking, remark- yeah sure just goes to show they think of sex in monetary gain for themselves so then I said, no to his requests and told him I could help him advertise as when he left his country he headed straight for Kings Cross Sydney and used the girl he was with to get there. I was with him at a party and the men said, where did you live after you arrived in Sydney, and he said, where else boys, the cross! He told me about how he made money from girls at primary school. He said he used to stand there with his palm out for the coins and each kiss he charged them as the long line lined up. He told me of his first sexual encounter and he went to park with a bottle of beer he flogged from under the house where it was kept for the old man and propositioned an older alcoholic woman for sex and he would give her the bottle of beer. Yet if I say these things, he calls me crazy and yet it was his crazy lying about everything so know one knows the truth to lies.

      1. ANK says:

        Just re reading this I noted the but about making money off you because you had all the goods just reminded me of what he thinks texted just last week – that I could make a lot of money with my amazing body, as he put it.

        Can’t believe how much the same they all are!

  17. Ana Frost says:

    I am curious if the addiction is only one sided. Have you ever become addicted to one of your prey?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ana, I am addicted to the fuel thus it matters not where it comes from.

  18. Love says:

    Mr. Tudor, you’ve said you feel an obsession during the golden period (maybe your definition of love?). So would it be fair to say that there is some truth in your words when you are creating a lovesex addiction?

    Btw, some of us (well at least me) very easily fall in love after sex. No waxing poetic necessary.

  19. Yin&Yang says:

    feeling sick…. Because despite feeling aroused from time to time I could live my life without it…. For me it’s been ripped out from the real LOVE MEANING. .. for me LOVE is the best connection and friendship between two people who could live together without sex. .. that’s love….

    1. ANK says:

      Same for me. I thought that when you love someone sex is naturally part of the love and closeness, but part of loving each other is being able to live without sex. Guess that is true love.

      I fell in love with him and wanted to be close to him, have sex and give everything of myself when together.

      For him I see now it was just a physical satisfaction, and obtaining fuel during the infatuation of the golden period, and when he started to treat me like a tart to just F&*k, I felt less like wanting to sleep with him.

      He recently told me when I said he had hurt me by his actions that he didn’t want to just F&*k me and put me down.

      How can it go so quickly from making love to f&*cking?

  20. ICGB says:

    Dicknotized

    so not good

    slooowly goes away…very slowly :/

  21. Jamie M says:

    Okay, so you know I have to chime in here (.. I swear it’s almost like you’re baiting me into commenting on your blog sometimes..)

    You already know I don’t associate love with sex. Incapable of such. That being said, I do wonder what it’d be like with you.. Two of us sexual Olympians with evil streaks & bondage knowledge. Primal. Brutal. Blood would be shed.

    I would suggest a safeword but let’s face it, neither one of us would actually obey it.

    1. Love says:

      I would buy the video.

  22. Lizz sieling says:

    Its a shame narcissists cant love the way they make love.

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