Cheating on the Narcissist

cheating

I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?

To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-

  1. During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
  2. The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
  3. The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured)  with the narcissist that go elsewhere.
  4. The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
  5. Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
  6. Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.

These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?

As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.

A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?

Not us.

You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.

Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.

The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.

The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough. The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.

Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit is he by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.

The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor of go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.

The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his control in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.

If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of the other. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are no persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.

If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.

As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.

Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.

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38 thoughts on “Cheating on the Narcissist”

  1. No we would never cheat but the supposed cheating were numerous – with the neighbour, with the guy in the grocery store who glanced at me, the co-worker, with a father in the kindergarten of our son, with every one…
    The only thought about cheating he would have known before! He often told me that he would found out everything and that’s a fact. I knew that this was the truth. He checked my Emails and social media notifications before I did in the morning. Only one little part of my life that had been controlled, monitored, guided …
    He even accused me for changing my outfit when he leaves in the morning, dressing up and wearing more sexy clothes to impress my colleagues. So I had to send him pics with my outfit with which I planned to go to the office. hahaha, true story!
    Thank you HG for this article … we never cheat. Do we?

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  2. Im certain my narc is a greater. He never loses control ever instead he uses passive aggressive and gaslighting.
    Im pretty sure he suspects ive cheated. Ive never in the physical sense but emotionally i have many guy friends who have picked me up and made me remember the desirable woman i am. Ive gone this route as a result of the devaluing thats been on and off the 5 yrs. Do i feel guilty? Yes and no. Yes because i deeply love my narc. I see who he is aside from the abuse but no because i have needs too and when theyre intentionally witheld i need to feel good again.
    I dont look at these guy friends as superior bc they dont own my heart he does and probably always will but a narc relationship is really one of defect.
    Id never cheat on him physically bc i just cant be with another man that way unless im 100% into them and unfortuneatly that mans the narc

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  3. wow no wonder none of us would ever even think of that… casting aside the consequences from the N we still as empaths would not be able to do so as You have stated beautifully above. it is against our nature. we would never be able to forgive ourselves. .. even if we were cheated on by our Ns, we would never be able to do so no matter how much we would try. ..moreover when I was discarded I realised just now, I still could not have any intimate relationship for some time as I was thinking to myself “what if he comes back? I would feel dirty knowing I’ve done it despite he left me for her first…”
    I so wish to be free….

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    1. mine was more open and let me play but describe it all latter. Bedtime story lol I wasn’t primary tho. For months after I still did cause i wanted to make him happy and still be being good if he took me back. But that didn’t happen, lucky me! Now after exorcisms and time if he asked id say you know what, that’s not a good idea. I think I’ll pass.

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  4. This is an interesting point. I could only be faithful even when he left me for another target multiple times. I wouldn’t even answer text messages from other dudes (I would have shown him).
    I couldn’t even look another guy in the eyes. I was so conditioned (it gets better) that I felt bad about smiling at someone (male). I know I would attract other guys, so I acted like he was standing next to me, unapproachable and even this was never enough.

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  5. This is good information to know 🙂

    Now for my question, suppose she cheated, told you in public. Then peace’d out cutting off all communication? Possibly changing jobs and moving. Will she have won? Will she have beat you at your own game? You know gave you the ultimate touché?

    You do know that I am revealing in delight just knowing this morsel of information.

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  6. I have a question about this topic….my ex left me supposedly because I was unfaithful. He discarded me 7 times in the past year-usually at really big moments (before skin cancer surgery, before a big trip to Thailand, in Thailand, before Christmas, before 2 big interviews for grad school and a research position, before a job interview and this last one was the day before we were supposed to move to LA sign a lease and go to Alaska. He claimed I lied too much and couldn’t be trusted and that I cheated. I started to hide things from him because the isolation and double standards were slowly making me insane. I had this inner fight me in at all the bogus claims he would make and then I would catch him in another lie or another abusive manipulation tactic. My life was about to change massively as I started a doctorate program and began my career journey where he wasnt going to be the center of it. I think he knew this and the lease was a year long commitment, which he would be financially responsible for (which he never could be in other scenarios.)

    My question is…. Was this all plotted by him to make it seem like I was cheating and so he had a “valid” reason to break off engagement? Would he ever have signed that lease and followed me for school or was this his last attempt at sabotaging my career because he has not much going for him? Does he really think I cheated because I texted or would talk to another male as a friend even though he told me I wasn’t allowed?

    I never cheated while I was with him, but he told me I couldn’t talk to certain people and I started to just say fuck it I’m going to talk to whoever (platonically) because he talked to lady friends all the time. The hypocrisy is sickening and I couldn’t stand to be controlled by him while he continue to betray me over and over.

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  7. You describe exactly what will happen, if somebody cheats a narcissist.
    Doesn t matter if it is about money ( 5 cent), trust or sex. He can do, the victim never ever. His fury ist justified, so he is allowed to do anything against the victim, until she is doing what he wants.

    He is right. every moment in his life.
    So handle it and do not complain about.

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      1. Wouldn’t you loose interest in someone who handled it and didn’t complain? Allowed you to run amok, always agreed with you and served you in every way you felt you deserved?

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  8. I got a phone call from my ex at 2am one night from my ex and she was hysterical. She had found out that one of her good friends was getting too close to her girlfriend. He also had showed up at her work because she asked him to. My ex thought this was the end of the world and how dare he get that close. ( that’s because she was with me 24/7)
    She questioned her girlfriend about her feelings and she said that he made her feel special but she didn’t see him as anything romantic. Her fury ignited and she screamed at both of them and she showed up on my doorstep at 3am and stayed with me for the week. Her girlfriend got the silent treatment for those days and she told him to never speak to both of them again.
    I laugh a little at this because it does show me how me how she can do what she wants ( have another girlfriend) and how everyone else has to follow her rules.
    That guy is still one of her lieutenants and was her best man at their wedding.

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  9. Hmm no and it has been two years yet a time will come and I will be with another. He will just have to deal with it.
    Yet to be un faithful never

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  10. Hi HG, I was dating the narc during the beginning of the devaluation stage, it was my birthday and of course he was nowhere to be found. I went out and by accident I met up with a mutual male friend of ours. We sat all night drinking and talking and this friend tried to convince me to get out of my relationship with the narc as fast as I could. It was obvious this person knew a lot of things the narc was doing and without criticizing him, he just said “you deserve better, take my word for it” The next day, the narc went crazy, how he knew any of this was a mystery. By 8:00 am, he knew about my being out with our friend, and he called me a whore and my friend a backstabber. This was before I knew he was a narc and I remember saying ” you ditch me on my birthday and then get pissed off about what I do?” Within minutes the whole convo turned into me defending myself and reassuring him I was not cheating ( although he most likely was ) . It was just a complete and total Head Game and I remember thinking, WHY DO YOU CARE IF YOU DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH ME?? Its obvious now I was trying to rationalize that which I could not, until you came along. I heard an interesting theory the other day about how to test for narcissism. I dont know if you ever heard of this but it is the contageous yawn test. If the person you are with does not ‘catch’ your yawn and yawn back, he is very possibly a person who lacks empathy thus a narc. what are your thoughts on this please?

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  11. and if you can`t handle it, you will be discarted. Or you can leave him. If you are strong enough to do this forbidden thing.

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    1. my ex narc never knew of my infidelity. he did know how i favored 1 cop. but my narc was the 1 who brought him into the bed in the 1st place. i was punished for liking him so much. but he never knew of the many private rendezvous.

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    1. Hi Jday, it means it has not yet appeared on the blog because I read everything and where there are a lot of comments, long comments and/or questions they will be in moderation for longer.

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    1. Hello Angela, narcissistic injury (or wounding as I call it) is surmountable. We draw fuel to address the wound that is suffered. It does not mean that dis- engagement will follow as a matter of course.

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      1. Even if you feel we have broken you? Does the challenge become too much you walk away?

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      2. Not you in particular … lol .. more of a mid ranger someone not as on top of their game .. could it happen or is that the narcissist playing the victim role?

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  12. I needed to read this today. I am watching this play out as the other woman. My ex is a Narc. I have always known it–as have his therapists. I would guess mid-ranger. He and I have had a mostly emotional (physical 2x) affair for several years. We live on opposite coasts and both of us are married. He has had at least 2 other affairs in the past that I know of.

    Recently, he discovered some text messages on his wife’s phone. She had been having an affair with a colleague for a year. He sat on them for days before he confronted her. She was shocked that he found out. She admitted to the affair. He made her cut off contact with the colleague and a friend who encouraged her to have the affair. He needed to know all the details. The last several days have been filled with crying jags (her–she is emotionally dysregulated if not borderline), and he told me that last night he smashed a plate.

    Also yesterday, the Narc asked me if I would want to leave and start over with him if it were easily possible (it’s not). My husband and I have been in counseling for over a year, both individually and together. My marriage may well end for other reasons, which is why I took up with this guy in the first place, but we are still trying. I am in contact with the Narc against my better judgment.

    Today, the Narc is saying he understands why she did what she did, wants peace in his house and last night, they both thought maybe an open marriage was the answer. Can that even work?

    I cannot extricate myself from the Narc. I have tried to cut off contact before and one of us always goes back. What do I do? Can people really live like they are? How does this play out?

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    1. You can extricate yourself TOW. I can explain to you in detail how you can achieve this with reference to the specific nature of your situation. The most appropriate way would be to do so through a private consultation, details of which can be found in the menu bar of the blog.

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  13. I am in this as i text. I cheated on my narc while he was in prison. After figureing out everythjng he has ever said was a lie. I figured out who he was. Broken and shattered i was comforted by a male friend. Whom i felt valued and desired me. It happened one time and the guilt i felt was unbareable. I had everything telling mr to run and never look back (from y narc) but being an empath i couldnt bare my narc coming out of prison alone and sad. I chose to stay. And apart of that choice was erasing the act of infidelity as if it never happened. Now 2 years one child and now pregnant with another my narc has found out about the cheating. Im fearful as he has threatened death on eme. He taunts m3 and makes me feel like death would be better than continueing. I still love my narc and have lost everything in the process of our relationship. He had many unthinkable and damaging mistakes and i am to blame for it all. He comes and has me sumbissive to having sex so he can ontroll me. Says he has always been loyal but i have moments in queztion just cant proove it. Help me. Im scar3d and alon3.

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  14. I cried reading this because it is so on point and boy did it ever hit home. I actually was blind to my (ex) partner for 4 year’s narcissism. And when I cheated on him and s$it hit the fan, everything just flashed in my head like meteors flying in space. I caught him in many lies in the past… ones that he would still deny after there was black and white evidence. I had so much resentment against him for rejecting me or finding excuses to have sex .. but he always had excuses and our therapy sessions went around in circles. He was always “right”. A month before our wedding day, I decided to deliberately cheat on him and seek validation… 50% validation, 50% revenge. He found out a month after my 10 day “affair”… and it was the most painful 2 months of my life. For the first month almost i was on my knees, begging for forgiveness until it became toxic. He would strangle me during sex or call me a whore and of course rampage through my phone (history, phone records, Google maps). Then I asked him to leave my place (which he had been living in and never paid a dime toward rent) and he didn’t take that well at all. Eventually, the law got involved as things got really messy. He managed to break into my house and sleep in bed one night after I had changed the locks and while we were separated. The law got involved and that’s where things stand.
    I think about him all the time. I miss him like crazy but I know I could never, ever, be with him again. Not after we’ve both hurt so much.

    My question is… you painted him perfectly as a mid. But would a narcissist, in addition to all you mention also apologize? Say it was his fault? He would apologize at times when we tried to work things out.. He blamed it on his work hours or said he took me for granted. But then, in a flash, would flip the switch and call me a whore or a sex addict or break a chair or my laptop. Is confessing a possibility?

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  15. OMG ive been in the same situation…i did sex for revenge when we were seperated for 4 months with a man that he knows and pisses him off because he is more powerfull to women than my narc..he came back to me i run obviously one more time to him and i never told him the fact…he found out when he secretly backed up my ipad messages…i had silent treatment for one week then he came to my mother father brother telling what ive done he called my friends and after a week he called me and he was crying telling me that he had made mistakes-6hrs conversation..the next day he send me a message if i was ok and he restarted how many mistakes he has done…after 2 days i was a whore that he hates..i called him after one month and he talked 3 hours alone on the phone telling me how bad soul i am and he will never come back to me because he diserves a better person and i am evil.that he deleted all my naked photos and videos and i am not his passion anymore…whats next??

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    1. It depends on your position in the fuel matrix and the impact of other individuals in that fuel matrix. I would need to know more about your overall situation to comment in a meaningful fashion. For instance, whether you were the IPPS or an IPSS before you separated. Did you escape or had he engaged? What type of narcissist is he? Who is in his fuel matrix at present? The appropriate forum for this is through a consultation.

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      1. Hi HG..I was the IPPS for him 4 years…it wasnt the fist time that he had left me..it was the fourth..but fist time was for 4 months and I thought that it was over.Those 4 months I tried to contact him but he treated me with silent or he was sending me messages at 5 o clock in the morning just for fuck..I never went.I didn’t escape I was always around him but he ignored me or responded to my messages 10 days later…At present his fuel matrix is his brother and his family that loved me so much!he hates his brother he was telling me that I was in bed with his brother while he was traveling for work that his brother is a person that manipulates the others goes only out with rich people because he thinks that he is somebody that his brother is wearing his old clothes and his brother was telling me other stories for my narc…And now he told me that he is the only person that he understands him and stands by him…I think my narc is a MRN he spent a lot of money for his image to the others but not for his life quality.He told me that I was a nothing before him -that is not true -I changed his image his style his house everything..he always talked about my good taste but now I am nothing…I am not beautiful I have insecurities I’m very jealous of him etc..he told me that he is humiliates me to our common friends for what I’ve done to him with his”friend from the past”and that he always warned me to stay away from him specific but I did it with him to hurt him…told me that everybody hates me and don’t wanna see me again-his family included…so…HG…is this my final discard?

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      2. Hello Irene. There is no such thing as a Final Discard – please see the article by the same name. With regard to your own circumstances they are best addressed through a consultation.

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      3. Yes I did…you are right…but my final question about this topic to you and everybody from your experiences is:Did a narc that you cheated on will ever come back?make love to you again?hug you again?and then after the campaign that he did how can he go around with you?you cannot enter the family again…help..i remain silence to his mind games on social media with girls that always i had issues…help

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  16. I never cheated, physically or emotionally… its called a Moral Compass, and probably one of the character traits he was attracted to…. the one that he lacks

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