The Seven Truths About Narcissistic Friendships
- Our friends don’t really like you
The people that we choose to provide our inner and outer circle of friends have all been charmed by us and roped into our sphere of influence for the purpose of providing us with fuel, traits and residual benefits. They in return are granted repeated audiences with ourselves, they are able to gaze on the Sun King and benefit from their association with such a social titan. When you are admitted to my sphere of influence as an intimate partner these friends of mine only like you because they know that this is their role and they must do so in order to remain able to attend my court. Should I give the instruction they will turn their backs on you in an instant. Never believe that you can turn to them in a moment of need. You will head straight into a brick wall. Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.
- It is a one-way street
You will benefit from your association with me as a friend and you will enjoy my company, who would not when I am charming, magnetic and interesting but you are only allowed to occupy this positon so long as you are giving. You must provide me with the fuel to keep me topped-up through your praise and admiration. I expect you to be an errand boy for me, you will carry out my machinations on my behalf when I require you to manipulate someone by proxy, you will get me things, give me things and do things for me all because you want to stay in the elevated position of my friendship. It is also highly likely that I will possess some information about you or something you want which compels your compliance also. You are the giver and I am the taker. It is one way.
- Our friends do not know what we are
The blazing brightness of our brilliance is such that it obscures what we really are. Any complaints about our behaviour will be met with rejection and a confused response. They have always been treated well by us. We let them join us and we allow them to follow in our wake which has numerous benefits. They have no idea what we actually are for if they did they would no continue to be part of our retinue. They do not want to know any different however because they have been brainwashed into thinking that the status quo is to their advantage and therefore they see no reason to entertain anybody who seeks to usurp us.
- Your friends are all targets
I have no interest in making friends with your friends. They are beneath me but I will regard them as targets. There may well be your replacement amongst them and how satisfying would that be to corrupt one of your supporters to turn against you and sit at my right hand? I will charm and ensure that your friends think well of me as this will not only make my seduction of you as my primary source far easier, it will also provide me with fuel, traits and residual benefits as well. You friends are targets to be my new primary source, members of my coterie and even lieutenants so that I have a fifth columnist in your camp willing to act on my behalf when the inevitable devaluation begins.
- Our friendships are defined by the usefulness
As I have explained the concept of friendship for us all about what we can take from it and therefore so long as someone is providing us what we require, complying with our wishes and carrying out what we want then the friendship will endure. Should one of our friends see through us, turn against us or begin to fail in their assigned role it is of little consequence to us that we may have known them for ten years or more. It is of no concern that we go drinking with them every Friday, if they do not function as a constituent appliance then they will be switched off, excluded and replaced. We make friends easily and we keep them far easier than you might think. Very few leave us. We usually do the jettisoning.
- Our friends must never outshine us
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
- We can actually like our friends
So long as the member of our inner or outer circle does not offend any of our requirements detailed above we often do actually like them for being interesting and caring people. Of course, this is not enough on its own, they must provide fuel, allow us to take traits and provide residual benefits but we are able enough to like the fact that someone is amusing, that someone is a good partner at badminton (as long as we usually win) or has some entertaining anecdotes to share from a recent holiday. So long as they do not transgress across our requirements then we will also take delight in these additional traits, for like jesters, ambassadors and courtiers in a royal court they all have their own individual function that serves to benefit us.
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My ex also has many many followers and if needed she can call any one of her contacts to meet up with at a bar but she doesn’t have any real friends.
This still breaks my heart because I could have been that but she will never be able to have a “normal friendship”. She will always have an agenda and manipulate everyone around her.
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
Huh I have it, HG is a pastor!
The pastor in a pentecostal church parades himself on the platform and has the ministry set in such a way that he is not outshone by his apostles’.. Their is little interest in the congregation members that are not highly successful business people that can bring further wealth and prestige to the church by way of volunteering and tithing, yet tithing is from the old testament and the church cannot serve two masters but does. A church without money cannot survive on love, the very hypocrisy sits right there. How many churches open up their doors at night for the homeless to take refuge? They choose good looking people to be on the door and they choose to use those who can increase their image yet give sermons on how destructive image can be unless Godly. They indoctrinate the vulnerable, brainwash those with weaknesses identified and manipulate those of wealth and with vast connections that they will elect are talents and gifts to be used by God. They speak about kicking people out of their boat and speak of gossip in the church but largely gossip between themselves and marry people that suffer after because they knew it all’, it was because God’s hand is not on them for living in sin yet their hand abandons those who are left to grapple the reality that not only was their N a wolf in sheep’s clothing, so seems to can they be and how many actually are?
I always thought my ex N didn’t really have friends although he knew tons of people, they were more like ‘followers’, kissing his ass, superficial and distant to me😔😔.
Ollie, my mid-ranger also says he has no real friends. I never understood why he says this because he gets 200 or so likes on fb. (HG that might not be a high number for you😎) At least some of those must be true friends i thought.
He says it to get sympathy and pity from you by way of fuel PTSD
Oh! But he really sounded as if he meant it, saying he would rather be alone than with friends who are not real. He has no ipps right now so he is devaluing his inner circle friends (thank you for that article). Could this be the reason he says it? Thanks HG.
Ive seen this so much in the workplace. Theres a definite pecking order. It seems the friends to the greater narc are actually lesser narcs. They look up to them and respect what they are and want to reap any benefits from being their so called friend. Meanwhile these lessers will do the greater narcs dirty work towards non narcs or those that dont comply to their wants and needs or are a threat. The lessers are also flying monkeys.
As far as in relationships thats why they say to go no contact even with shared friends or to limit it because quite often the friends you shared will be flying monkeys relaying info back to the narc or even be the next primary. They were the narcs friend before for a reason and are conditioned to only see their mask or theyre a narc themselves looking for opportunity. I have heard of some keeping a shared friend but its very rare and usually they reconnect well after the narc relationship is over. Flying monkey is the biggest worry and keeping your world seperate from the narcs as much as possible