All I Want For Christmas Is Fuel

all-i-want-for

Christmas is on the horizon. A veritable fuel frenzy for my kind and a period anticipated with dread by many of our victims. There are those who know only too well the behaviour that will be engaged in which will cause Christmas Day and the surrounding days to descend into misery and chaos. They fear the encroaching festival having endured it year after year. There are others who may be in that first difficult year after their discard and will look back on how Christmas with the narcissist, that first Christmas exceeded any Christmas which had taken place beforehand. Everything was perfect. From the gift shopping together, the family parties, the romantic walks in the snow on a crisp afternoon to the exchange of thoughtful gifts amidst the seasonal and festive surrounds. It was picture perfect and of course was just us hijacking the most wonderful time of the year for our own purposes, using the heightened emotional experience of Christmas to meld with our seduction to make it simply irresistible. The joy and rapture experienced, whether it was attending that first Midnight Mass together, kissing under the mistletoe or singing carols on the way home from the pub, is long gone. All that remains is the memory of that wonderful time and it hurts to be reminded of just how wonderful it was last year, compared to how empty and barren it now feels.

The appetite for Christmas in either case is hugely diminished. The latter, the discarded victim finds no joy in anything any more. There is no desire to deck the halls, no want to attend parties and instead they want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible. For the former, there is the expectation of grinning and bearing it, making it as good as he or she possibly can, albeit with that lurking fear of it all being brought crashing to the ground as a consequence of the narcissistic temper tantrum that will inevitably appear. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe a sigh of relief, having apparently got through the day unscathed, the narcissist will unleash some kind of fuel seeking behaviour from out of nowhere. Thus, you want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible.

Yet for our kind, Christmas presents an extravaganza of fuel-gathering activities. From the antics that will be engaged in during the Secret Santa at work, through the attention-seeking activities over Christmas lunch through to the opportunities afforded to draw in addition fuel at alcohol-infested parties, Christmas is a time of optimum fuel gathering. Chief ingredient however amongst this is the sense of expectation. It has been drummed into you to want a perfect Christmas – chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose – the elegant Christmas tree, carols drifting across the frozen air from outside, the feast prepared for all to eat, the beautifully wrapped presents sat beneath the tree, the family traditions, the mandated goodwill to all. There is meant to be peace, happiness and joy. Expectations are raised and of course this just creates more targets for us to aim at.

You have worked hard to ensure the house is spotless, festooned with festive finery, presents bought and wrapped, relatives organised to attend, cupboards fit to burst with fayre and drink. You have endured the mayhem at supermarkets and department stores, anxiously waited for the delivery drivers to bring your online purchases and so forth. You have created the perfect Christmas tableaux and we are ready with our wrecking ball all in the name of fuel.

For the fortunate few who are in the heady days of seduction, Christmas will be truly magical. Nobody does Christmas like our kind – be it the amazing or the abhorrent. As creatures of the extreme, we surpass all belief. For another lucky group, Christmas may well coincide with a Respite Period and thus all is golden, if only for a few days as we put on our best behaviour and drink up the positive fuel lavished on us by grateful friends and family who are relieved not to have to tread on egg(nog)shells this year.

For the majority however, it is to be endured as we disrupt, spoil, wreck and bring drama on the one time when you really, really do not want it. All in the name of fuel as we greedily drink up your frustrated tears, your angry rants and sobbing hysteria as we ruin yet another Christmas.

So, since all we want for Christmas is fuel, what can you expect from our kind at Christmas? The list is almost endless and here are but some of the behaviours that we roll out at this time of year.

  1. Failing to buy you anything or something inappropriate such as a flashlight from the garage last minute.
  2. Berating what you buy for us no matter how thoughtful, how expensive or even if we asked for it.
  3. Refusing to participate in party games or engaging in them and throwing a hissy fit when we lose or engaging in excessive pettiness about the rules.
  4. Turning up late or not at all for scheduled festive events.
  5. Talking in church so people turn and look at us.
  6. Eating food that was to be saved for other people
  7. Making the carol singers stand and sing for some time without offering them anything
  8. Not helping you at all with preparation for Christmas
  9. Arguing about which visitors to receive and when
  10. Telling the children that Santa Claus is not real so they cry.
  11. Telling people what has been bought for them before they can open their present.
  12. Failing to thank people for gifts or putting their gift choices down
  13. Sending obviously recycled gifts to other people
  14. Attending other people’s parties and being drunk and obnoxious
  15. Excessive flirting with other people much to the embarrassment of our other half and hosts
  16. Refusing to play carols and insisting on unseasonal dance music or thrash metal being played
  17. Fiddling on our ‘phones at every opportunity – during Christmas lunch, at church, when the children are opening their presents, when attending drinks at someone else’s house
  18. Purposefully disappearing at inopportune times – Christmas lunch, carol concert, present opening
  19. Picking a fight over trivial items such as the pigs in blankets not being done the way we like them, or too many red baubles being placed on the tree.
  20. Purposefully breaking gifts
  21. Inviting people round and then refusing to answer the door to them
  22. Telling children that you have spoken to Santa and he will not be visiting because they have been bad
  23. Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled
  24. Refusing to give you sufficient money to buy things at Christmas or claiming that certain things cannot be afforded and then spending a large sum on ourselves
  25. Preventing you from attending social events without us
  26. Putting down your choice of attire when attending a Christmas event
  27. Not clapping and even booing when attending a Christmas show or pantomime
  28. Making grand entrances at parties, grand flourishes when giving presents and ensuring that all eyes are on us.
  29. Getting drunk and insulting people
  30. Competing with the neighbours for the most illuminated and decorated house in the street
  31. Refusing to get out of bed on Christmas morning
  32. Attending sporting events around Christmas and not family ones
  33. Hogging the television and selecting non-Christmas programmes
  34. Demanding the decorations be taken down the day after Christmas
  35. Switching off the oven part way through your cooking so it is either delayed or ruined and then blaming you
  36. Watching you slave over a hot stove and then suggesting to everybody that you go out to eat instead
  37. Turning up empty-handed at parties and blaming you for forgetting the gift/food/drink.
  38. Lavishing attention on one person and ignoring everybody else
  39. Walking around with mistletoe and kissing people for far too long
  40. Disrupting/being awkward concerning co-parenting over the Christmas period.

It all adds up to bah humbug!

What have been your narc nightmares at Christmas?

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93 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas Is Fuel”

  1. Amazing that you have a list like this.
    You must be soo busy at this time of year. I wish you could be happy instead. You can’t be happy when you are talking about Santa in a pool of blood. My ex would have loved that and sent me a picture if she would have had one.
    I remember my ex repeatedly talking about hating Christmas. I had a mix of joy and tears while I was with her.
    Before her work Christmas party I was treated to her usual manipulations and I walked in crying. She was over the moon happy and I remember thinking how can she always be happy when I’m in tears. I sat through the whole party not talking or eating a thing. She was the center of attention and on the ride home she gave me that lifeline once again and all was forgotten and she kissed me goodnight.
    I still can’t believe how I thought all of that was ok.
    I do enjoy Christmas and have kept things to just a few family and friends. I’m not up to seeing all the people that I usually do. The memories of last Christmas are still too vivid for me.

      1. I’d like to ask you more in-depth questions, but I wonder if you would be as forthcoming in this type of forum as you would be privately.

  2. I remember one christmas i got a bunch of packaged dry foods from amway. My mum and stepdad were heavily into the business and were going to “make it big” in the business. Every minute was devoted to going to rallys and getting contacts for the business. Everything you bought gave you money back. Gee mum thanks. Normally i dont care about gifts but this was for their benefit. I can laugh about it today but it really ruined my christmas knowing they put zero thought into what i might like. Narcs are like that tho…self absorbed

    1. I love those Christmas vibes Nikita! Thanks for sending them.
      Merry Christmas to you. Always nice to see you. 🍎❤️

  3. First christmas + new years: manipulated me into spending over $5000 on an all-inclusive tropical resort vacation ($2000 was the budget)
    Second christmas + new years: said he had to work, but actually spent both holidays with his other lover.

  4. Oh my goodness, I had no idea how far narcs would go!! Have never experienced any of that. I looove Christmas. It’s not about presents, it’s about being with the ones you love, eating well, chatting, laughing, having a GOOD TIME!! Do narcs realise that any of the behaviours listed here makes them look like utter fools to emotionally healthy people?

  5. The first half of 23 made me laugh…the second half not so much.

    I did get a flashligbt one year. I was happy for it. Winter nights are cold and dark very early. Practical. I’m also about taking decorations down the day after. Family waited until 06Jan. I have the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. That’s as festive as it gets.

    Humbug. This is why I love Halloween.

    1. I received a mop and bucket from my 1st ex. I didn’t care as it was more of a joke. I needed one and we were broke as hell starting a new business. I rememberI couldn’t buy a meal at McDonalds if I wanted to.
      Looking back, this guy is a piece of work. I will not call him a narc because he has not been diagnosed but I would say he fits the bill.

      1. I sat through anger management with him. The T pretty much called him out. My dad called him out too. Reading HG calls him out. The anger management was most interesting.

      2. My 1st and I​ went to counciling, and he was called out too. When we walked out, he said he was never going back. I was pregnant with our second son, and I knew it was just a matter of time before I would leave him. My plans were to do so after Carl was born. I became pregnant with Rock, and it was unplanned. Oh but boy is he handsome as hell and a very nice young man. He is my current favorite and will be coming this week. He calls me Mama, the oldest calls me Mommy and the middle one calls me Mother.

        My 1st ex tried to destroy me but he could not. He did not hit me, I did not have a man beat me. I think they knew I would have killed them. I was the one who broke things and hit them. Once my second husband cocked his fist and I calmly said if this makes you feel better then by all means do it. I was scared as hell because his fist would have crushed my face. But he calmed down and backed away and then I said if he ever touched me, he would go to jail. He was the CFO of a big homebuilder, so he never did it again. He could not go to jail because of his position in the community.

      1. Hi Snow White. No. I don’t decorate. I do have a gallow sense of humor but would never ruin Christmas for a kid by telling them that was real and Christmas was cancelled. I’m sorry about how your ex treated you. That is so unacceptable. I’d be sitting with you. The fakery of how people act at Christmas is what bothers me.

      2. I would love for you to sit with me Jaded.
        We could have a quiet Christmas together without fakery. Music to my ears.

  6. And my mother has to have the biggest tree (a tree she doesn’t cut down or lug into the house) with the most decorations (that she doesn’t actually put on it herself) so everyone can admire her (because it’s all about her ALL the time); anyone who doesn’t want to spend 24 hours a day doing her bidding doesn’t appreciate her; she doesn’t go to church every Sunday, but on Christmas she terrorizes us into “going as a family” all so everyone can see her in her mink coat.

    1. Cara

      And so you saw this to work for her and so have adopted her methods for yourself?. That is merely a question not a judgement as I considered it myself at one point in time. But I felt it was a decision I could make and not a compulsion. Do you feel you consciencely made the decision?

  7. I’ve mentioned on here that I’ve begun to connect the dots that my first husband must have been narcissistic during our 17 year marriage but I did not realize what I was dealing with.
    On year 2 of trying to get pregnant and having been married about 8 years we were on the brink of having to embark on the whole infertility journey with doctors and intervention and such.
    My ex-husband’s birthday is also on Christmas. He was a huge Foodie and as a gift I was able to book a private cooking lesson with one of Willie Nelson’s former chef’s. My husband was a huge Willie Nelson fan. He was pretty ecstatic with that gift in the morning and even called all of his relatives to tell them.
    Fast forward to the afternoon at my parent’s house and his younger brother called and announced that he and his wife of two years took a pregnancy test that morning and found out they were pregnant.
    My husband could barely finish the call. He went into the powder room bathroom and sobbed for about 20 minutes. Then that evening when it was just the two of us back home, it was all glum and somber because he cried about all he wanted in life was to experience fatherhood and it should have been us getting pregnant first. I did a lot of consoling. At the time, I was confused why he was taking it so hard as we had not begun infertility treatments full throttle and I didn’t believe it was out of the question for us.
    Looking back, not once did he ask how the news made me feel at all.

    Now Christmas is a very quiet holiday. My small family has their party on Christmas Eve and my daughter has to leave mid-day on Christmas to go with her dad for a week. Once she’s gone, it gets painfully quiet. Always feeling relieved now when it’s over. I really miss having that adult love in my life at this time of year.

  8. Would you do things like this towards children hg e.g showing santa in blood saying xmas is cancelled. Basically emotional abuse…how do you view the narcissist types that do stoop this low..some know a limit right? They control their behaviour and choose the types of behaviour to engage in..they know what they are doing so some choose not to worry use such methods towards the kids and instead might choose a more subtle tactic. My ex twice told our daughter mummy was evil…and think he used the word monster too…! My daughter was mortified. She cried and told me ( double fuel there when I challenged him then! ) he said child was lying !! This upset her more. Also his drug use / alcoholism intensified the narcissism. Before I knew about narcissism I blamed it on the addiction ( he still uses this as an excuse, we are now seperated and now I know what he truly is I intend to stay no contact ).

    1. I don’t have any children Cherry but I have seen this done. Yes, some of us control the behaviour for the purpose of maintaining the façade and having the optimum effect.

      1. This list sounds as the worse nightmare somebody can have and the blood pool for Santa as sick as it can get 😱😱😱😱

        This sounds more like a horror movie than something in real life.. i struggle to believe this is real and somebody can make the above..

  9. Waking up to intervene in your very little brother being beaten for sneaking downstairs to see if Santa has been. Then being made to stay in bed for hours til he got up then being told to smile for f*** sake!

    1. 😢NA,
      My chest ached as I read this. I’m so sorry this is part of your Christmas memory. I wish I could give you some of my warm memories, to wash those out. I see why you are a fierce avenger. Hugssss

      1. Thank you Indy. I’m numb to the feeling of the memories now. Its like watching it happen to someone else. I hate when theyre triggered and play over and over in my head, but I let them play out and then lock them away again because I never want to forget what evil looks, acts, and feels like. Sometimes the dragon awakens and thats much harder to ignore. Someone will be wounded then to stop the burning.

      1. Hi Love. He had it the worst of us 4. I am oldest and not biological to SN and he was next under me and not his either. Then she gave him 2 more. He left home to live on the streets and wherever he could land but left to move to British Columbia Canada very young and has never been back. He married and has 2 boys that are the centre of his universe but he is very damaged himself and suffers epilespy ( I always believed from being thrown and hit but I dont know if thats medically what can cause it). My sister is his and empath with some fight (not much) and a good mom. My youngest brother (his) is the spitting image of him in looks and behaviour but if you say that to him he is enraged. Its hard for me to be in the same room with him for obvious reasons but also because he was so much younger than me and I cared for him like my own baby and protected him yet he still turned out just like SN.

      2. Wow NA. I’m sorry … It really doesn’t matter how much we love and nurture them. If it’s in the blood, then nothing helps. I’m happy to hear that your other brother has a family now. It is heart breaking to hear about his epilepsy.

    2. Narc angel i just read this and thats so awful im sorry your brother and you went thru that 🙁 (((hugs)))

      1. That was but one example and one Christmas. We all went through it. I would say just another day but he really ramped it up at Christmas and it was hard going back to school and trying to act like you had a good one. As you can guess I have no use for Christmas now. Hes dead now but he won that one. Chalk one up for the dead Narc in oblivion. Winner.

  10. Unrelated:
    Could you please talk about how a narcissist will insist that their partner is crazy?
    Have you sent any of your girlfriends to a shrink?

    1. i see you have written about telling everyone else that the partner is crazy, but what about telling the partner themselves that they are crazy.

      1. Brian, I’ve insisted on being crazy (in a non emotional way) to disarm the gas lighting (successfully). I would say it’s why he liked me because he is crazier. I’ve also had another narc flat out tell me from the start he was crazy and it just turned me on..

      2. Brian, I had one committed. For a false suicide attempt to keep me in the relationship, ER nurse told me he faked it after I had called the ambulance and had his stomach pumped. Nothing in there. They said I could either take him home and watch him for 72 hours or have him committed. Haha, I had him committed. It can go both ways LOL

    2. Hi Brian,
      Welcome to this blog. I have seen you posting and was curious, have you had an ex that was a narcissist or do you think you are one or neither?

      Of course, if you are comfortable sharing.
      Indy

  11. Oh your poor IP, Mr. Tudor! Brave of her to endure the holidays with you. Brave of them all. You really turn up the heat.

    1. I don’t think she knows she’s brave yet. She’s still trying to figure this treatment out. Who knows. Maybe he will give her a reprieve. HG, do it for the girls here!!

      1. I hope so too Indy. But Mr. Tudor gets upset when any of us suggests keeping his current IP. I was sad to read that she at times disgusts him. I have no doubt he selects high quality empathic ladies. I can imagine she would be absolutely crushed if she knew how he feels about her.

      2. I missed that conversation. I am sure he picks his IPs very carefully and as he says, knows their tendencies to either bolt or stay very well. I am sure she is a prize to behold, arm candy with a brain and grace. And, he resents her for it. As for being disgusted by her, I can only imagine how that is used during this devalue stage.

  12. Now I will say 23 that is a new one.
    That one not only caught me by surprise but I actually stopped reading for a minute.
    Thanks for the trip down memory lane, to which is now behind me.

    Christmas is very different now for me.

  13. The best part was cutting the hair of my sister’s dolls. We always received the same gifts for the most part. I would just say that I wanted to be a hairdresser when I grow up. LOL Horrible! Now I totally take care of my sisters and so I have made up for all the hair chopping.

  14. These are like an adult version of problem child lol 😂
    Mine arent anything like these and pale in comparison. Most were little things meant to upset me. Looking forward to others.

  15. She bought gifts for everyone, even co workers she didn’t like, or said she didn’t. For my family four years I had to issue apologies as gifts for them. Didn’t bother her one bit. Your right HG, I can’t wait for the holidays to be over and done. It can’t happen quick enough. Totally ruined to the point of next year I will plan a trip, and be totally by myself next year.

  16. #34 I like the decorations to be taken down the day after Christmas.
    I like to start the new year without it.
    So I see nothing wrong with this one.
    If you do any of these HG then how does one not see you are not of the norm and courteous behaviour.
    As a greater, do you just think of these actions and would like to do most of them but do not.

      1. LOL. My birthday is next month and I would insist my mother leave them up until after my birthday. I guess I have played this game too.

      2. I also insisted that my mother tell me everything she had for me. I was never surprised. I knew it ruined it for her but I was, you know, persistent and demanding. One year her best friend gave me a metal hanger and a little doll hanging from a chain. I think the message was she would have hung me if I was her daughter. (she did give me socks or a scarf in another box as I am sure my mom insisted she give me a proper gift.)
        I was rotton. I also would wake in the early hours and unwrap my gifts and was very good to do it just enough to peek and then put them back like nothing happened. She always tried to give me a great x-mas.

      3. This year and last year I did not decorate. I did go through and gave away many of my decorations.

      4. You did not comment on if you behave this way. It is a long list so I imagine that you do implement some of the tortures.

      5. 39. I do others which are more detailed and have a certain finesse and subtlety about them which is all the more satisfying but it would have been difficult to condense them to list form so I left them out.

      6. OMG! Do I dare ask if you slip em the tongue too? No never mind. I probably already know the answer since you know no boundaries. Lol

      7. Oh. That wouldn’t work with me. You’d get distracted when I’d cop a feel on the family jewels.

      8. He’s awfully quiet on that one. Do you think I’m heading back to the naughty step or cellar? Lol

      9. How spiteful! LOL

        So, what if I demand, “HG, I want a drama filled Christmas with lots of canceled plans, burned pies and murdered Santas!!” I know, I know…you see the reverse psychology…but, I wonder if it would work on any of the lesser or mid rangers. Not that I am making any holiday plans or anything….LOL

      10. Dude, I will up that ante. I will say, “oh, my! I love murdered pies!!” and then go pseudo-psycho and pull out some heat (squirt gun style) and say “meet my little friend” an…hehehhe..

      11. Ahhh ***clutches chest***, the scarlet letter is back (“C”)…histrionically falls into pretend snow back in feigned death.

  17. Well…that explains why he’s suddenly super nice, and friendly, and helpful-ish (just enough to say he helped, not actually accomplish anything) . For the past 5 years (or more), starts just before Thanksgiving.
    I am NOT imaging it! I SEE it … Wouldn’t trust it with a dead cat, but I see it happening. Thanks for the validation.

  18. 23.Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled.

    Were you peering over my shoulder this weekend, HG Tudor!

      1. I will drink to this. All of it. Down to the last period.

        Thank you for perfectly summing all the reasons why we love the festive season.

        I do not think there is anyone on this earth who could have said it better.

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