I Second That Emotion

i-second-that

 

The emotional spectrum afforded to my kind is limited. The bulk of the positive emotions that you experience have either been stripped away or moulded into one all-pervasive sensation and that is of power. Whereas you might experience joy, elation, happiness and delight, we feel power. That surging sensation which courses through us as a consequence of the receipt of fuel, be it positive or negative. Secure a promotion? I feel powerful. My football team wins? I feel powerful. I seduce a new victim? I feel powerful. I experience amusement, indeed, I have an excellent sense of humour but if I make you laugh through my sense of humour I feel a sense of power once again.

I do not feel sadness. I have, for the sake of gathering fuel, sat through numerous films which are described as tear-jerkers and entertained myself as I have alternated between watching the film and the reaction of the person, invariably an intimate partner, as their expression alters to one of compassion, sympathy and then the tears to begin to flow. I have watched the same film yet I feel nothing. I recognise that the scenes played out by the relevant actors are ones which would be labelled as moving, sad and upsetting, but I feel nothing. When I shift my gaze to the sobbing intimate partner besides me, I begin to feel something. I feel contempt for the weakness exhibited by becoming upset. Not only the fact that these tears flow at all but because they have been generated by acting. How readily people fall prey to what is acting, but I am thankful for that, because if they did not, my existence would be far more difficult. I experience a degree of amusement, because someone is moved by something which is not even real. At least when the tears fall because a pet has been run over in the street, or because a relative has exhaled their last breath on this earth, there is a genuine event which causes grief. Yet, it is always in others. You could flash a montage of images, snippets of footage which encapsulate what people would regard as tear-inducing responses, be they grief or joy and I would remain unmoved. It means nothing to me. The capacity to feel sadness, grief, woe and misery have been removed. I knew them once. I can vaguely remember, or at least I think I can remember, being sad. I do not know what the feeling is but I recall the image from the depths of my memory.

I do not know guilt. Remorse is a stranger to me. I feel no regret nor penitence. Compassion has never been available to me. As for empathy, I do not feel that either. I am, because of my heightened abilities and intelligence, able to understand how people must feel. I have spent many years watching and observing the way that people react to certain situations. I understand when happiness is expressed, I know when regret should be exhibited, I recognise when sadness should make an appearance but I do not feel any of them. If I see you in pain, I know I should demonstrate a concerned expression for you and ask how you are. That is the accepted societal expectation. During my seduction of you, I will indeed adopt that mask of concern and compassion in order to con you into thinking that I am a caring and warm person. I can don the mask which places my facial expression in the correct places. I am able to adopt the appropriate tone of voice and place my hands on you in the gentle manner which is associated with expressing concern for somebody yet despite all these learned expressions, words and gestures I feel no concern for you. I do not feel sorry for you, I do not share your pain, I am not worried about you. I know however that if I am to bind you to me and to extract fuel from you, through your expression of thanks and your gratitude for my apparent care of you, I am obligated to place the mask of compassion on. Of course, as such time as your devaluation commences, I see no need for the pretence and indeed my lack of compassion provides its own reward as your pain is increased by my dismissive attitude, refusal to help and contemptuous sneer.

The Lesser of our kind often do not even know what mask should be adopted and during the seduction stage rather than clumsily grope for an appropriate mask, they will prefer to vacate themselves from the situation, conjuring up some excuse as to why they cannot stay and help. The Mid-Range and the Greater of our kind understand that certain responses are preferred by you and therefore the masks will be brought forth and worn, but only in order to achieve what we want. If the situation dictates that our interests are better served without donning a mask, then that is what will happen.

People often make the mistake of assuming that we are totally devoid of emotion. That is wrong. Yes, there are many emotions, as I have explained above, which we do not possess, but we are not empty of all emotion. I know only too well the emotions of hate, malice, frustration, annoyance, irritation, shame, envy, fury and jealousy. Why am I afforded these emotions and not others? In my discussions with the good doctors and my own consideration of these matters it is evident that in my evolution to what I am, it is necessary for me to have these emotions because they are the catalyst for causing me to behave in the way that I do so I will drive forward, that I will be brilliant, charming and seductive, that I will be outrageous, grandiose, belligerent and destructive, because ultimately all of those things must exist in order to compel me to gather the precious fuel.

If I did not become jealous of those in my social circle praising a friend, I would not feel compelled to draw the spotlight of attention on to me by upstaging that person, telling a glorious anecdote or causing a scene. If I was not jealous I would not take those steps and thus I would be denied fuel.

If I was not envious of my neighbour’s new sports car, I would not be driven to throw battery acid over it during the night and then watch from the window his horrified reaction on seeing the damage the next day. Again, I would gain no fuel.

If I felt no hatred towards you for failing me, I would feel no need to keep doling out the various prejudicial and abusive manipulations. Thus you would not be hurt, upset or frightened and I would gain no fuel.

If I felt no malice towards the world and its treatment of me, I would not be compelled to seduce people to provide me with that shield from the world and its outrageous injustices.

It is these negative emotions, the Dark Motivators, which cause me to always be driving forward. The absence of The Hindrances – remorse, guilt, empathy, regret etc. – means that I am not stopped or slowed in my ever onward march. I am not distracted from the sole and necessary task of gathering fuel.

This approach does not mean that my life is less fuel. I am still able to appreciate much that is beautiful, engaging, fascinating and scintillating in this world. I can appreciate the grandeur of centuries old architecture. I can appreciate the magnificence of a musical composition. I can appreciate the athletic prowess of a sprinter to win a gold medal at the Olympics. I can appreciate the taste of excellent cuisine. I can do this because of my higher function above others of my kind who have little or no interest in such spectacular elements of the world. Whereas you will enjoy the piece of music in that moment, I am using the experience of that piece of music to further my aims.

  1. I may tell you how brilliant a song is because I know that you will be pleased with me for telling you this and thus you will smile, appreciate me and give me fuel;
  2. I may use the experience of having heard the philharmonic orchestra play Scheherazade in order to boast about it to other people and draw fuel from their admiring and/or jealous responses;
  3. I may use the experience of knowing all of Depeche Mode’s music to be appealing to a target because she likes that music too, or just to demonstrate that I have a detailed interest in a particular band so that I am of greater interest to her;
  4. I may use the experience of having heard a particular song in concert to trump your tale about having heard a different one played in order to assert my superiority over you and draw a reaction from you and others.

You experience certain emotions when engaging in certain experiences. I experience a sense of power in that moment or if I do not, I store the experience to use it feel powerful when it is allied with something else, usually an appliance.

My kind mimic emotions because we are unable to feel so many of them. Thus we will second the emotions that we have seen you exhibit and make it seem as if we feel them. I know many of your emotions; I do not feel them. We second your emotions because we are reliant on your emotions to exist. It is something of a paradox that we have never cultivated certain emotions and/or we have been stripped of them in order to make us lean, effective and efficient, yet we also must receive those emotions from you in order to sustain us. We do not want to see your joy directed towards us for something we have said and done because we will then feel joy, but rather for the power that is unleashed as a consequence of your joy providing us with positive fuel. I am filled with hatred, jealousy, envy, fury and malice but that does not mean there is no room to accept your hatred towards me, indeed I welcome it. As a consequence of my manipulation of you, I want you to stand there screaming your hatred at me until your voice is hoarse and your eyes stand out from your face. The fuel I gain from such an intense expression of negative emotion is immense. Once again I appropriate your emotion and use it for my own purposes. Whether I take it in order to allow me to mimic and copy it, to make me appear more acceptable to other people or whether I seize your emotion as fuel in order to power me and allow my existence to continue, I will always find a use for your emotional output. I put to good use your emotions. I am the ultimate recycler.

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46 thoughts on “I Second That Emotion”

  1. Hi HG,

    I’m interested to know if and how you experience humor? Can you be self-deprecating, laugh at yourself? Do you find other people and situations funny, or do you simply make others laugh?

    I remember many times watching comedies with my ex-narc and she always delayed a split second before laughing at the funny bits, especially when she was in a group. (With me she might just not laugh and say the movie wasn’t funny). I now assume she was waiting to see if others laughed to know it was funny or not. She wasn’t getting it at all.

    -Steve

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    1. Hi Steve, thanks for your comment. Yes I experience humour. I have an excellent sense of humour. I can be self-deprecating if I need to do it, but I do so sparingly, it makes me feel weak and I do not like it, so it is only done if I know it will be well received so I gain fuel and say bind someone to me.

      I tend to make others laugh or I will laugh if I know that is the correct thing to do. There is sometimes a short delay before I do so. On other occasions I will deliberately not laugh in order to provoke a reaction even though I know it is expected of me. I dislike other people laughing when I have not made them laugh. Your situation with your ex makes perfect sense.

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      1. I daresay HG that your sense of humor would be hard to best in most situations. Being quick to assess your audience and the situation is vital and you are a master at this. I say this also as you have made me laugh here repeatedly and that is not an easy thing to do.

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      2. Very interesting HG. If I’m understanding you correctly it would seem that you can be humorous, but you’re not actually experiencing humor. Something to chat with the good doctors about. Spontaneous mirth, a good belly laugh, laughing till it hurts is one of the best experiences in the world.

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      3. I wanted to say thank you for clarifying this for me. I will admit this is one thing I was bewildered about always. Much of our relationship was built around humor but it makes perfect sense that making me laugh gave him fuel.
        He would even be able to do so if I was angry . I remember just a few months ago I was on a tirade about something and cursing . He got quiet and said “Stephie, you are on a murderous rampage of the English language. ” I burst out laughing because indeed I was and my 12 year old was there and she loved it !! She said she was going to use it at school the next day because she is a bit of a grammar Nazi. Bingo !!! Double fuel for Johnny boy !!

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      1. I thought that hate may be the answer, but I wondered if fear and shame were not what drives the hate and therefore more powerful?

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      2. When I read this- “Hate”, chills ran down my back. It’s so hard to comprehend that this is the strongest feeling in which you possess.

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      3. So, if you do not HATE us here on the blog [because we are not important enough for you to do so], then you simply feel ‘nothing’ for us?

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      4. I do not hate anybody on the blog because I do not know them. I find some people interesting, I find some people amusing, some challenging (in a respectful manner) and everybody provides me a little fuel.

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  2. Watching a movie, we cry because we can feel for the characters in the story. We do not care about them being actors: we do not see actors, we see real people struggling. If you had the ability to feel empathy, you would not sit there analysing the situation and her reactions, you would be IMMERSED in the story yourself! We cry because some scenes might have been part of our lives and we can relate, or because we fear that something tragic as portrayed in other scenes might happen to our loved ones.

    You say that you do not feel sadness and grief. What do you feel when you write and talk about what happened to you? Which feeling(s) would you choose to describe what is going on in your mind when you address the past?

    I wonder if those feelings that we take for granted, can be recovered in you… I would like you to be able to FEEL them, even if only for one day! The thought of you going to your grave without ever having had that experience saddens me.

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  3. Depeche Mode? Do you like them or you used the band as an example. I have known of them well but never listened to them. Someone recommended them, and now I can appreciate their music.

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  4. I went to see Collateral Beauty, Will Smith, Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren (love her). After the movie, I was asked how I didn’t cry. I actually could make the choice and was very intuned to what I was feeling or not feeling. And there was some serious drama in this movie too.
    It was a moment of evolving.

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  5. My narc wouldn’t watch tv shows or movies, only sports. He told me that it was just too hard for him to sit still that long. (I always thought he was ADHD because he had so much energy and was so active) Now I know he just didn’t get it. He told me he didn’t understand lots of things, but I didn’t know what that meant.

    It’s interesting to me that you appreciate architecture and beautiful things. My narc enjoyed flowers and created a magnificent yard. He always brought home flowers. I thought they were for me, but they were really for him.

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      1. Agreed. Fury followed by Fuel will give you the foundation and answer a lot of questions immediately. You can then go to the titles you think more applicable to your specific situation ( mine was Sex and the Narcissist), but really, you have made them so affordable there is no reason not to have a complete education on the subject (at your own pace if course). What better thing to do during those silent periods or between discard and hoover but to arm yourself for less than the price of a pizza?

        Haha. Need anyone over in Marketing HG? I just read that back for typos and it sounds like an infomercial but I meant every word.

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  6. You don’t feel sadness, even for yourself? Never a ‘woe is me’ when you don’t get fuel for some time? And surely you must feel a sense of ‘disappointment’ when some prime supply has escaped. But perhaps that just manifests as shame.

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    1. Hello HOF, you are correct, it manifests as shame. The outward appearance is one of pity me and woe is me which is learned but inside it is shame. Again, outwardly we appear disappointed (or we may not show anything) but inside it is shame at having allowed you to escape us.

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  7. HG

    I think I read previous that the subject of narcissism came up with someone else and your realisation occurred. Was it raised directly in relation to you? That the person identified you as having this? Or was it just in general and you looked into it. What specifically made you think this was something that may apply to you?

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    1. An ex-gf, a psychology graduate who was my gf at the time, pointed it out to me. She did so in a non-judging way. I listened. I did not accept it because I did not appreciate somebody telling me something about myself that I did not know. I went away and read. I realised where she was coming from so I read more and more and decided that she was correct, I had this fearsome weapon and I could achieve much with it but I could not admit to anybody that I had this weapon.

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      1. That must have been a very powerful realisation for you. So your outlook will not allow you to appreciate her enlightenment only be annoyed that someone else had pointed it out. Interesting. Do you remember at the time wondering if others had observed this about you?

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      2. Do you really get paranoid about what people think? Say you tell an obviously grandiose tale. It seems that there is positive or negative fuel here. If we think you are a liar and say it, negative fuel. If we say nothing and you believe you fooled us, positive fuel. So is the paranoia, I think they don’t like me or they know I’m a liar or they hate me or how is the thoughts of paranoia processed?

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      3. The paranoia occurs more when fuel is low and manifests as people deliberately seeking to do me down as a consequence of jealousy, envy and as agents of this cruel world.

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  8. Such a great explanation of feelings. I always wondered how a narc felt regarding sadness and joy. My ex narc of 3 years is heavily into animal rescue. He is very worshipped and adored in those circles especially on FB. And I know he genuinely cares for all the animals he takes in which are many, because I lived with him. However, it’s obvious to me how much fuel and supply he gains from all the women that praise him constantly on FB. This has always confused me how he, a narc who damaged me so much, can feel empathy and passion for animals. Can you explain this to me?

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    1. Hello Yogagal2013, perhaps he feels that the animals never let him down as they are obedient but I rather suspect it is because he uses them as a triangulation device to gain fuel from those who praise his endeavours in that regard.

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      1. I definitely experienced the triangulation. After getting bored and tired of being ignored while she for repeated the same go fetch trick with the dog for upwards of half an hour, I eventually got up and remarked she had more time for the dog than me. Without missing a beat, she said “are you comparing yourself to a dog, that’s so sad”. Boom, fuel extracted, she could stop making the poor mutt go fetch…

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      2. All his animals (approx 18) do obey and adore him. Something he required of me. If only he had treated me with the same love, sweetness, and kind attention as he did his animals, he might have received exactly that from me. I often thought I would be happier with him if I was a dog. But I was less than that. Thank you for your perspective.

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    2. I had a similar experience with my ex-narc. She had more time for animals than people. She spent endless time teaching animals tricks. I.e. imposing discipline then rewarding for the desired behavior. Eventually I looked at this as yet another controlling behavior, and not a manifestation of love. One thing that was always amusing was if her dog chose to come to play with me instead of her. That made here extremely dirty, LOL!

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  9. What about the Borderline woman HG? So much written about the Borderline personality being perfect complement to the Narcissistic personality; similar to the actress fitting any role and seeking a permanent director and the director. I imagine a Borderline would be hard to dispose of, especially when alternate fuel was slim?

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    1. Indeed BJ and most valid observations. I have some further articles in the pipeline concerning BPD individuals. They are fountains of fuel given their tissue thin emotional skin but they have an unpredictability which can prove difficult for some our brethren to manage. You analogy of an actress fitting any role is a good one.

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  10. I learn something new each time I read your writings about feelings/fuel. It’s been so difficult for me to grasp that your kind does not feel emotions in the same way that most others do. Each time you explain it, I comprehend it a little bit more. I have even re-read some of your books and posts (Fury & Fuel come to mind) to get a clearer understanding. I feel like I’m learning a different language. The good news is now when I’m getting to know someone, I approach the situation in a neutral manner. No pre conceived notions or expectations, I just observe. Now I notice that the emotional reactions of narcissists do seem contrived, inauthentic, or sometimes just too good to be true. I’m happy to finally be getting it, but I’m feeling like an old lady now. How I wish I had this info when I was in my 20s or 30s. Back then I knew Narcicists lacked empathy, but I was confused about what that looked like in real life. My father was a brilliant, soft spoken, N loved by everyone who didn’t really know him. Who was he really? The good guy or the bad guy? Thanks to your candid and honest writing, I can finally make some sense of my life, and all the Ns I’ve known and loved before.

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  11. Over and over I am haunted by the sex they had when I was riding a stupid 4 wheel drive around his property. I cannot stop my mind from recalling my ignorance and now I am left with the shame. My inner voice screamed, yet there I was while they had their quickie.

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