No! You are the Narcissist – Pt 3


I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?

Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).

You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.

The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.

The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.

Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.

All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.

If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.

If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.

We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.

Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.

You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.

39 thoughts on “No! You are the Narcissist – Pt 3

  1. Hash says:

    Hello HG,
    Firstly i want to thank you for all the books you have written and off course the blogs as well . I have very much Enjoyed reading the devils toolkit and Manipulated. I am Curious as to when or if you will be releasing a part 2 of either one ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Hash, thanks for the compliments. There will be a further book detailing additional and powerful manipulations which tend to be the preserve of the greater. It is darker in nature and will be out next year so it is a kind of follow-up to the two books you have mentioned. Thanks for reading.

  2. J.R. says:

    Hi HG. I can now articulate more accurately, thanks to you, that my exN is a Narcissistic Sociopath of the Elite kind. While I immediately went NC on discard, I let him know I knew what he was through a seemingly innocuous to anybody else fb post to which he cryptically acknowledged. As we live 800 kms apart, there has been no face to face, calls etc. only cryptic fb messages which I have long stopped but he continues – mostly taunts & threats. I understand now he tried to trigger a malign Hoover many times which I resisted until I fell for one that I thought was a cry for help (darn empathy!!) This obviously increased the smear campaign & fuel gathered from his various sources. I have not tried to out him to any of his people or our mutual friends that we share in my home town even though many have withdrawn from me. Only a few tactical people at school, church & work know for safety & support purposes. I have no desire to add to the shame & humiliation he already feels. It is not his fault his brother did what he did to him numerous times as a child or that he was raised by a PatriNarc creating what he is today. My question is, being 800 kms away, although he is quite often down here for business, family etc., if his fuel sources are sufficient, is this enough to heal the wound I caused or could there be malice saved for another day even though he knows I have not tried to out him? Our spheres, mostly 3rd, cross over everyday & are unavoidable.

  3. Cara says:

    It’s usually my youngest sister (who is also a narcissist herself) who calls me out on being one…she never uses that word “narcissist”, she calls me manipulative and selfish…I have never said as much to her face, but I find it hilarious that she recognizes these qualities (“manipulative” and “selfish”) in me while failing to see them in herself.

  4. Adele says:

    Im certain my narcs a greater kind. He never loses control or reacts to confrontations. Every time ive talked to him about things hes done and taken a break he hoovers with the sweetest most loving apologies, but will do something later in a passive aggressive form to hurt my feelings or cause anxiety meant to punish. I think he resents apologizing and hates the fact ive had the gall to bring it up.
    Id never tell him i know about narcissism. Im certain he knows hes one. Hes extremely controlling and has all the trademarks

  5. Ginger says:

    It seems futile to approach any narcissist with such declaration. Unless perhaps you are very certain there isn’t some recourse that could come back to bite you in the booty post escape. The element of surprise seems best when ready to escape.
    The mid range narc I’m dealing with is so contradictory all the time.. so oblivious to his condition. It’s certainly not useful to engage with any conversations that would arm him with new ideas. He can remain in his dark closet. For now.
    HG do you go into depth about the relationship between matrinarc and son narc somewhere? Especially as adults.
    Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ginger, this will be dealt with in the book which is being worked on called ‘MatriNarc’.

      1. HG,
        I know two Narcs one greater, the other mid range. Both of these Men had Narcissistic Mothers. They were both “golden boys”. They would talk to their Mothers everday sometimes for hours, highly praise their Mothers and dote over them. The Mothers really ran the show but they exhibited with women all the traits of your description of Narcissistic behavior. They both had terrible relationships with their Fathers. Never played catch, no commen interests, didn’t talk much, etc, etc…How do you see this dynamic? Why not have hate for their mothers like some Narcs do?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Caught in the spell of the MatriNarcs or more likely with the Greater he sees it as a way of dealing with her to his benefit.

  6. Sunshine says:


    I happened along your blog a couple months ago post escape/discard. As you know, those were some very very dark days. I read and read and learned and remembered and healed. Now that I know the truth, I am truly able to disengage and move on. Knowledge is power and I now know exactly how to handle him when he returns. I’ve ignored his hoovers, but he’s not done and he’ll definitely be back.

    Thank you so much for your brutal honesty. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be stuck in that awful confused place unable to heal and move on.

    My narc was a textbook greater and I’m a textbook super empath. How is it that we are all individuals, yet so much of our behavior (narc and empath) is identical? How is it that these same patterns are repeated over and over again no matter who’s relationship it is? I am fascinated by this and would appreciate your insight. ❤

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Sunshine and thank you for your kind words. The identical behaviour occurs because it is effective and therefore will be repeated. Once we establish a way of gaining what we want/need (on both sides) we keep doing it because it serves a purpose. I may elaborate on this in a blog article as there is more that can be written about this, but in a nutshell that is what drives it.

    2. Sunshine,
      Do some research on attempting act of mastery. Or repetitive behavior. Anti social behavioral disorders often display as a recreation of the original pattern of abuse. Therefore since we develop common coping mechanisms, even though we are individuals, we attempt an act of mastering or gaining control over an abuse or strong example of relationship dynamics that were unhealthy mentally. For example, your parents. One is a Narc one is empath. You learned from childhood that the way they interact is what love is. However, you don’t agree. You see it as predator or victim relationship. So, who do you think is the one you should be like? These are your only examples. Do you become Narc or Empath? What if there is an outside influence? Say a grandmother or uncle who is neither of those personality types and is loving and kind all the time. Do you think, I want to be like them? Or do you decide to pick an intimate partner subconsciously to try and “fix” the problem of never being a victim or never being a predator? Fascinating topic indeed. My thoughts. We’ll wait and see what The Master says.

  7. Indy says:

    Um, HG. I have to be honest with you. I think ….you …may be …*whispers* a narcissist.

  8. Brian says:

    I have seen you mention a sci-fi movie or two so you might appreciate this:
    Jar-Jar-Binks from the Star Wars episodes 1-3 was actually supposed to be the villain.
    In Episode I you can see him mouthing the words people are saying, so really he is pulling the strings using force powers.
    There is much more evidence.Too much to go into here.

    George Lucas chickened out and made him remain a good guy in episodes II and III.

    Do some narcissists project weakness and stupidity in the same way?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Brian, how interesting. Do expand on this hypothesis. I just thought JJB an utter disaster of a character. Have you seen Rogue One?
      Yes they do.

      1. Brian says:

        Yes, it is very interesting, there is a lot of evidence.

        Michael Jackson was going to play JJB at first until the other guy was cast , proving that something epic was afoot.
        When we first meet JJB he does a huge leap into the water whereas the other gungans are merely jumping as normal when they celebrate winning the battle at the end of episode I.
        The force can be used to do huge jumps.
        The way JJb is waving his hands around like a moron during Episode I but really its that Jedi mind trick hand wave the whole time!
        He mouths the words people are saying, after waving his hand in someone’s face. The same way Obi-Wan made the stormtroopers say ‘these are not the droids’.
        Star Wars is inspired by the Foundation sci-fi books, there is a character called ‘the mule’ who the evil JJB seems to be based on also.
        After the escape from Naboo in episode I, the crew are in the silver spaceship.
        JJB is in the droid bay messing with a panel, then the engine malfunctions. Coincidence? This forces them to land on tattoine where the young Vader lives.
        JJB can be seen sabotaging the speeder thing that the young vader rides in the race.
        This is right around the time that he gets his tongue caught in the forcefield and it goes limp.
        7-JJB even does a mind trick on the fish when the crew are going through the middle of Naboo and the big dangerous fish are attacking.
        8-in the droid bay R2D2 hits JJB on purpose ,he clearly doesnt like him, I guess this is like a dog barking at a terminator.
        9-The character played by Christopher Lee has a spaceship that is shaped like a gungan , this was supposed to be the ship used by evil JarJar when he revealed himself.
        It’s not called the Phantom Menace for no reason 🙂
        JJB’s eyes are yellow like when a character gets possessed by the dark side of the force
        12-JJB actually looks sinister but covers it up with behaviour.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Fascinating, thanks for sharing that Brian.

      2. Brian says:

        I havent seen Rogue One yet

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have. First class. You will enjoy it.

      3. Brian says:

        Also I forgot to mention the meteoric rise of JJB from plebian with a criminal record to galactic senator.
        Most people just dismissed it as bad writing.:)
        Everytime he is promoted he is waving his hand in someone’s face.
        When he is given the responsibility of the Senate he hands over emergency powers to the friendly Uncle Palpatine bloke.

  9. Brian says:

    You seem to project strength and mastery.
    But do some project weakness,fragility and even low I.q. so they get away with more?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed Brian, those are actions taken by those of the Victim Cadre in particular.

  10. davita says:

    The first one I told, laughed. He said that he “doesn’t look in the mirror all that much”. He was not angry, but just laughed sort of in a proud way. The second one was so offended that he might have wet his pants, but I’m not sure as it was online. The very, very first one, before those two, did not respond because I never told him since I did not know back then what a Narcissist even was. He was a Histrionic Narcissist.

    1. Michael says:

      Mine would laugh too. Occasionally he mocked me and said “No one sees what you see!” Meaning no one else in his life saw how horrible he was. It was maddening. The creepiest part is he was also a community theater actor. I once asked him what drew him to acting. He said he loved the emotions it brought out of him and allowed him to experience. Looking back, I think that was a subtle clue he gave me earlier which I had initially thought nothing of. He basically admitted he didn’t experience the normal depth of human emotions.

      1. davita says:

        I also received subtle clues!

  11. Matilda says:

    A Lesser would lash out and there is realistic chance that she will get killed. A Mid-Ranger would probably let her get away with calling him a narcissist, relatively unscathed.

    A Greater however, is neither interested in physically destroying her nor letting her get off the hook. He probably would go for the take-all route, stripping her off the rest of her self-esteem, her sanity, her children, her material possessions, anything she holds dear in her life. And relish in her sufferings, watching from near or far. As long as the fuel flows, all is fair! Speaking out means forewarning him. He shall not know, he must not see it coming.

  12. Brandie says:

    Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others .

  13. Sii says:

    Are you also unable to hold a friendship with someone who knows what you are and understands it?
    I unfortunately can’t keep friendships. There taxing and very hard on me. As a nurse I found fulfillment in caring for others but I never get close to anyone.
    This allowed me to stay a good distance from being hurt but could offer that understanding help it seems is needed when unraveling begins. I offered this in the wings with no response to him.
    When I begin to unravel I prefer to be left alone. Yet I would think when you unravel you could gain enough fuel from someone caring for you?
    Could you just not benefit from any friendship, if your understood and not alone? Is this simply to much work and not enough fuel? I often wondered with the lesser why he didn’t let me help. It is very clear I could and did not care he was broken. I wasn’t going to get hurt. He new that.

  14. davita says:

    He called me the Narcissist and got all our mutual friends to think this about me. I was horrified for a very long time that this is what I was. I cried and cried. I didn’t want to be a Narcissist and hurt people! He, on the other hand, could do No Wrong, and would have never cried over whether he might be a Narcissist, or not. Thus, after much research, I found that this gave me my answer. I worried about being a Narcissist and hurting others, therefore I was not a Narcissist. He, however, was never sorry for Anything, and could do no wrong whatsoever. He was the eternal victim with those who did not know him, but hateful and mean to me…his “soulmate”.

  15. Love says:

    I want to thank you for the umpteen time, Mr. Tudor. After my experience with the psychopath, I became obsessesed with psychopathy. I read all I could about the topic, from clinical to self help. The problem was the self help material was only from the victim’s perspective. I wanted to talk to the source. I even considered interviewing a few clinically diagnosed psychopaths. I found a few forums for people diagnosed with psychopathy but I was too scared to engage. I let go of my curiosity, until I found your books and blog. I know I know, you’re not a psychopath but I bet you play a great one on tv 😉 You have created a very nice environment for open dialogue. Thank you for feeding my curiosity.

    1. Playing a great one on tv rang a heavy church bell my way, LOVE- you may well be on the money!

      1. Love says:

        It is not surprising that they are great actors.

        1. That’s okay let them keep acting. I have the truth and live in the truth. I have been involved in many phone-calls today. I am going to shake their foundations and I will succeed.

        2. I am going all the way. It’s about time in my life that I come out of the closet of ignorance and lies, corruption and child sexual abuse, killers that I advised police about whilst my blood was like the nile river, more concerned for the child that was murdered through what has been given to me spiritually. I advised the police force about the Daniel Morcombe Case and being precognitive have had to wait all these years to see my truth come to be…what a delay…I told them that the blue car was a red herring….I told them that they needed to find the white four wd that I was shown and I told them about the 45 minute delay that did not match up with the time frame…Only now it is coming out! Daniel showed me everything, so much so that I googled earthed where he was taken and that was where I saw the white 4wd that only come out just several years ago covered in debris. I feel guilt, I feel angry for him and I feel people are very limited and that includes decorated police commisioners that got their honours and highest awards through my work.

        3. I know where the forty five minutes went and I am pleased that BPC (Coward) had his ice cold blue eyes, and his face scarred with boiling water from inmates whose lives were going to be lost unless they acted. Killed or be killed was the command. I know as a typical psychopath he would never have admitted more that he could be incarcerated for. BM and his wife D, are tortured and that is because this filthy waste of space was protected by the very same commissioner that gave my ex the same immunity. They best shoot me in the head, because I am coming after them all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        4. Wow— not such a stranger after all <3

  16. Zenagirl says:

    I outed my ex at a bar outside as he was leaving. I told him to get outta here you psychopath in front of other people at the bar. I have never seen someone scurry away so fast in my life. What I find really amusing is he can smear me all he wants. Go ahead call me crazy, it gives me a free pass to do whatever I want. I could care less what he does to me at this point. I’m just glad he’s gone. I can’t wait to get your revenge book! Merry XMAS!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fill your boots Zenagirl.

    2. Michael says:

      I confronted my ex partner numerous times with literature and YouTube videos describing him to a T. I made him watch and read some. He would just deny and deny and say they material described me via projecting. One time he got mad and said “I am not some case study! I am a PERSON!” lol he still hoovers me to this day. Calling and leaving vmails from other numbers like nothing at all ever happened all while sounding so friendly. I almost feel like this is a burden I’m going to have to carry forever because he just won’t go away. Lol I laugh but it’s admittedly a bit unnerving when I consider how an ex before me moved to a different state. I surely hope it won’t come to that with me.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article


Next article

I Second That Emotion