Mind Games – Part One
We love to conquer. Nowhere is off limits to our kind. Your mind is no exception to that mentality. The repeated application of mind games and the impact this had are both consequence which live long in the memory of those who have experienced them as a consequence of being entangled with us. I repeatedly state that the games are always being played. I doubt few would disagree with that statement. You ought to be aware however that the deployment of mind games, whilst always a factor in the narcissistic relationship, is not as deliberate as you may first imagine. In the case of the Lesser Narcissist, the mind games are collateral. They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies. He lacks the cognitive function to engage in the purposeful mental torment, but instead what arises as mind games is side-effect of the way that he behaves. As for the Mid-Range, well the application of mind games will sometimes manifest as deliberate but for the most part, he is similar to the Lesser and that these mind games occur as a consequence of the way he is engineered to think and to behave. It is with the Greater where the true twisted behaviour manifests as not only are the mind games a consequence of what we do, we also purposefully engage in them because we know how effective they are at achieving what we want and also because we are excellent at deploying them.
The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. Accordingly, the mind games which arise from entanglement with a Lesser or a Mid-Range arise because of the various defence mechanisms those types of narcissist deploy. The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.
These mind games are varied and effective. Anybody who has been on the receiving end of them will testify as to the horrible impact that they have in creating doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, submission and a sense of helplessness. What are some of these mind games?
- Second Guessing. The act of making you forget about your own needs because you are conditioned to think about our needs first in order to avoid some dreadful repercussion if you do not so. You apply your mind over and over to assessing the situation and trying to gauge how you should respond, what you should do next, what you should organise, how you should look, how you should behave in order to avoid some other abuse.
- Pre-occupation. By making ourselves so central to your existence and the only thing which matters you find that you are always wondering about us. What are we doing right now? Who are we with? What are we doing? This does not necessarily occur just in the devaluation. As the seeds of addiction are sown during the seduction, you find your mind is focused on us more and more. This is the laying of the groundwork to have you forget about your own needs and indeed who you are as the focus of your attention becomes all about us.
- Mirroring. We convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful and fantastic person you have ever met. This is achieved by mirroring what you want in the object of your affection. By meeting this need on so many different fronts, you become helpless to falling in love with what you believe us to be.
- Obsessing. By engaging in the vague, the vapid and the amorphous we have you start obsessing over us. Once again the focus moves on to us as you ask yourself what did he mean by that comment? Why is he late? Why did he just do that? You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.
- Gas Lighting. The infamous act of causing you to doubt your own reality and is invariably the cumulative effect of many different types of mind game. You end up doubting yourself and accepting our false reality as the true reality instead.
- Jettison. The act of having you think that you are about to be discarded. Comments will be made which suggest that we are dissatisfied with you, that we are tired of you and that we have interests elsewhere. Nothing is said outright, there is nothing concrete, but the signs are there that you are going to be discarded. Aren’t they?
- Jealousy. “But she is just a friend.” “How can I be having an affair when we only meet during daylight.” “You are reading too much into it.” The appearance of somebody who we talk about a lot, spend time with and appear to admire is designed to bring about jealousy in you and undermine your self-confidence.
- Mea Culpa. The complexity and absurdity of our behaviour means that you are unable to fathom out what is actually going on. This results in you needing to find some kind of answer in order to give you piece of mind and therefore since you have no ground to question us, you decide you must be at fault and being to blame yourself. After all, nobody gets furious for no obvious reason do they? You must have done something wrong to provoke us. It is your fault.
- Projection. The intentional movement of our faults and unpleasant behaviours from us to you. The accusation that you engage in the very behaviour which we undertake ourself.
- Character Assassination. The unmerited and savage attack on you, criticising you for any number of things; how you walk, how you talk, your hair colour, who your friends are; how you made the coffee this morning. Anything and everything about you will be attacked even though you cannot see the basis of doing so.
- Blame-Shifting. The defensive step of ensuring that we are never to blame or held accountable. Anything that goes wrong, any incorrect behaviour, any mishap is all down to you. You caused it, you brought it about, you made it happen. Even though you cannot see any factual basis for the accusation that has been flung your way, this will not stop it happening.
- Authoritative Denial. We do not just deny, we deny with such conviction, determination and authority that surely only someone who does this is someone who has to be right, yes?
- Gaseous Smear Campaigns. You are being spoken about, whispered about and slurs cast against your name, at least you think that is the case. You seem to be receiving strange glances and hear snickering when you walk by certain people, but you never hear anything concrete or certain. You might be mis-hearing, you might be mis-reading, it may just be paranoia. Trying to work out if you are being smeared is like trying to catch a gas with your bare hands.
- Silent Treatments. The staple of the narcissistic arsenal. Why is he silent? Why has he vanished? What have you done wrong? When will he speak to me again?
- Double Standards. We are so pleasant and wonderful to everybody else. People speak so highly of us, yet when the front door is closed we turn into a monster with you. Is it real? Perhaps you are taking it out of context and exaggerating or maybe you are doing something which causes this to happen and nobody else does?
- Amnesia. We deny having ever done something or said something even though you are positive, well fairly certain, okay, at least reasonably sure, we did say it. It works both ways as we accuse you of having a faulty memory as we tell you we told you last week we would be going out tonight, why can you not remember these things? Are you doing it in order to annoy us? Of course you are.
- Losing Your Mind. We label you as crazy, unhinged, a maniac who is need of help. Good Lord, everybody thinks it of you and we are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long. We tell you often, arrange for you to get help, see a doctor or a therapist and accompany you to explain to them how you are losing your marbles. Are we making all of this up in order to disturb you further, or then again, might you just be losing your mind after enduring all of this?
43 thoughts on “Mind Games – Part One”
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“You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.”
That’s right. So I did and found no answers and figured that it was a mind f*ng and got out. Then googled it. It was the “romantic” stage yet his words and actions did not match. He tried to provoke me to impose control but failed AND showed his weaknesses, he practically embarrassed himself which also looked like he was losing his mind. I was his perhaps failed project. But I am reading your blog and thinking: my non reaction to his provocations was too costly for me. And when I figured what he was, I couldn’t stop reading and thinking- so it costs me event more – my time. I am thinking of going after him now and bending him over. What’s the best strategy?
Understandable sentiments.
1. Consider the time spent reading to be a necessary investment than just purely a cost.
2. It is too early for you to bend him over. Your emotional thinking will result in a poor outcome. Get your emotional thinking under control, purge the emotional infection and then see what you think in the future about bending him over.
Yes, I agree. The more I read on the subject, the more I his situation makes me sad.
I did the research and this is what I found.
I was “intermittently reinforced” and mirrored by some powerful CEO who tried to add me to his “harem.” I’d say he was a pro, the Greater, at what he did. It was stunning experience, I had no idea such people existed – who wasted their life like that… After the escape, I focused on identifying his Achilles hill. Assuming his whole life he polished his skills in mirroring/manipulating people, all he learned was how to become what others wanted him to be to get them to like him and to submit – not to him but to themselves as he was nothing but their mirror. And it hit me. He mirrored others for some weird gains instead of being “himself” – because he doesn’t know who he really “is.” Despite all the money and power – he is nothing. And such power is even questionable as (despite all attributes being present) there is no “him” in the first place.
I read your other post (https://narcsite.com/2017/01/15/what-do-narcissists-feel/) about the void you are experiencing in a sense of an incomplete self. I agree with researchers who believe that this void is due to the wounded “inner child.” When you were a boy, you knew exactly who you were and experienced all emotions, you were complete. It was an abuse of sorts or narcissistic parenting that caused a childhood trauma and a narcissism.
If the Greater comes back, I will be armed and ready. I know who he is and I know what I have that he wants. I am the only one who can give it to him. I just got to make sure he knows that.
HG, is it true narcissist see things either black or white?
Hello Jei, yes, that is correct.
“White” being things that give you fuel and “black” being ones that starve you of one? Or is there a different explanation? Thanks!
No. White means you are regarded in a positive light. Black means you are regarded in a negative light.
Thanks HG!
Pleasure Jei.
Wow so true. I just had a one to one email with HD and have to say it was spot on.
My ex did all this with me. I agree i looked at my phone all the time as he would txt all the time. Sending lovey messages telling me how great i am etc… that after the disgard i found it so hard looking at my phone with no messages… i have been no contact now for three weeks. He hasnt contacted me either. At the moment i am blocked. I wonder if he will hoover me or if he has given up. My ex wanted to remain friends. When i asked what he ment by friends he said meet for coffee have a blether still get to be part of one anothers life. I said no. He kept txting me first putting one kiss then two then three… being overly friendly and guess what when i said to him i cant do this, i feel like you are leading me on with these messages.. i admit i got pretty mad at him..i told him no to friends as im not just going to be his bit on the side while he decides what he wants, he went mad saying how i had pissed him off . That he now no longer wanted to be friends as i always assume and how i dont know him at all.
I am grateful he discarded me after 9 months. Not only did I find out what a monster he was post-discard , but I took control of his anti-smear campaign of me.
This list is so beautifully done. In the moment you don’t realize what is going on. I became so addicted to the texts and attention at the seduction phase that I would constantly be looking at my phone to see if he had texted.
It is quite a relief now to not look at the phone and to know he will never text again.
Thank you, HG! Really appreciate it. I have never received any malign verbal attack from my narc. Even if we had some sort of a disagreement or if I voiced my concerns. Always friendly and complimentary. So does this mean it’s unlikely I have been devalued and discarded as an IPSS or dirty secret?
Correct IL.
Thank you for clarifying, HG! Would it also be fair to say that if being devalued, IPSS or dirty secret would be subjected to malign attacks verbally?
Correct IL.
Pero bueno…
Me sube la adrenalina cuando leo esto.
Tengo que dejar de leer y respirar hondo… Me cabreo.
Mind games, mind games…Lo más efectivo para no caer en juegos mentales es una buena patada en el culo. Period.
Funciona.
Thank you very much, HG! This makes sense. Is there a way for IPSS to determine whether they are/were being devalued or simply tested/kept on their toes (other non-devaluing reasons or purposes)?
If being devalued it would keep going, whereas if tested there would not be extensive mind games, just occasional as we would not want to risk queering a decent fuel source, thus there will be a more rapid return to golden behaviours.
HG, with your explanation between mind games and being tested, I feel like I was tested more than anything. I think I began failing his tests though, by the end, and that’s exactly why he discarded me.
You may well be right BH.
RE: number 17
Narcs love to dismiss, dismiss the target’s feelings or opinions.
What easier way to dismiss someone if they are diagnosed with some disorder?
The diagnosis can be used as ammunition forever!
“You’re just saying that because you are…bipolar…schizoid.”
Psychiatrists have a big financial incentive to diagnose and put someone on drugs, the DSM is so general that anyone could be diagnosed with some disorder.
Is this the main reason the target is encouraged to ‘seek help’?
A good point Brian and one I agree with.
Thanks HG
Dear HG, if these mind games are abusive in nature, why do you employ them against intimate partner secondary sources who supposedly stay in the golden period? Why use them against those you consider “good”?
Good question IL.
1. They may not always be used for the reason you point out;
2. Some IPSS may be devalued, thus they will be used;
3. They may be used in a way to keep the IPSS on their toes but not to push them away;
4. It may be used to test the IPSS to ensure they will make a good primary source as opposed to devaluing them.
Then who would want to be any type of source to you?
SMH
Plenty. You write that with the benefit and considerable knowledge, not something available to those I target.
Noted. I stand corrected and with better understanding. Thank you.
It must hurt when she brushes the teeth inside her eye. That’s very gross.
Many of these ive gone thru. Obsessing over things hes done or what it mightve meant if he didnt do certain things like text or call. In the past hes stood me up and its upset me deeply. Id not heard the term jettison but this is what went thru my mind when being stood up that he was abandoning the relationship. Also the deep sense of rejection was painful and ruined trust. I still anticipate him doing this if hes not texted or called much thru the day. Preoccupation ive been guilty of as well. Hes usually very dependable and always there but has done things in the past to make me second guess if he will continue being there for me and ends up being me thinking about him more than i should.
Gaslighting as well. Lies mixed with truths have made me second guess how much is him vs me and my mistrust.
Mind games keep us in a state of confusion and help keep their control over us.
Remember that scene in Goldfinger where Goldfinger is with a bunch of guys around a conference table and then suddenly, whoosh, everyone but Goldfinger is ejected into the ethers? That’s what now happens to any narcissist who tries pulling any one of these things on me. Whoosh. Narcfinger gone.
I hate when he plays mind games😡. I thought i was losing my mind!! The sick part is, he would do this to keep me in rhe house. My kids have missed so many doctors appointments. And so many great job opportunities I lost.
When presented like this in such a neat, articulate, numbered checklist, one would read this and think it is so blatantly obvious what is happening. But in the throws of it, the behaviors are spread out, gradually over time. When one is juggling their job, family life with or without kids, home and financial responsibilities, their own health or getting sick and rundown sometimes, it becomes very tricky differentiating if you, yourself really were just stressed with other things and over thinking a situation or if you have a Narc messing with your mind. It is no wonder people lose themselves to decades in these relationships.
You’re so right, Clarece. I’ve often wondered how my ex-MN’s wife has stayed with him for 18 years, but it’s exactly as you described it. When the behaviors are spread out over time, it’s easy to lose yourself day after day as the years go by. I let 5 years of my life pass right before my eyes, before finally catching on to his absurdities; and that was only being with him part of the time (mostly at work). His wife has endured his mind games basically every minute of every day. I wish so much that she could see the light. She was such a beautiful girl when they first met, so filled with life, but now she looks as though she’s an empty shell with no light of life left inside of her. She doesn’t even look like the same person he first entrapped and it breaks my heart that he was able to manipulate me into helping him bring her down even further. I’m just thankful my fuel was no longer good enough for him because I at least have a chance at a better life; whereas, he and his wife, on the other hand, do not. I honestly don’t think she’ll ever escape his abuse. I pray she does, but I just don’t see it happening for her. They don’t have kids together and she makes a 6 figure salary (so does he) and yet she still stays with him. I think it may be the case of staying for appearance sake.
Thank you, that comment could not be more true, coming out of a 20 year mind tortured fog. They keep you busy with life and stressed, it’s absolute hell
Exactly. Be kind to yourself.
HG is it possible for a narc to be a combination of the lesser, the mid ranger and the greater, having different strengths across various attributes?
Hello Nin, one may find a narcissist on the cusp of say Lesser and Mid or Mid and Greater, thus he or she might be an Upper Lesser or Lower Mid-Range, or Upper Mid-Range or Lower Greater. There can be shades of each school but ultimately there will be traits which point towards a particular classification with touches of other schools.
“The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek”…
Yes! Destroy me without lifting a finger.
** Fanning myself. It just got hot in here.
Sad case
There are things that words cannot express, or explain. I think that these are the subtle, but brutal psychological blows that the Narcissists use on us, and we are unable to properly convey this to others without sounding like it is, we, who are the lunatics.
Do you mirror SSIPs HG?
I do indeed Alexis.