The Crying Game – Part Three


Hitherto I have mentioned how I have learned to mimic the expressions of upset and pain in order to force tears to flow for the purposes of drawing sympathy and getting my own way. I have witnessed the tears that appear as a consequence of pride, admittedly an alien sensation to me and it is whilst I raise this point that I turn to another aspect where tears are seen. Joy.

The earliest time that I remember seeing tears of joy was when I was at university. One of my girlfriends at that time was a young lady called Trish. It was during the early stage of my seduction of Trish that her birthday arrived. I think we had been seeing one another for a couple of months and along came her birthday. I was keen to impress and ensure that the delightful and vivacious Trish remained bonded to me. Back then I did not know that she gave me fuel, I only knew that she was kind and attentive and that I relished being with her because she looked at me with her round blue eyes as if nobody else in the world mattered to her. It was always an edifying experience.

I purchased a beautiful silver necklace, set with a delicate arrangement of small diamonds around a larger sapphire, which reminded me of her eyes, from Tiffany and Co. I knew this would impress her. Elegant, expensive and scintillating. She could not fail to be delighted with this gift. On the evening of her birthday I took her to dinner in one of the university city’s restaurants. Just her and I. I wanted her undivided attention on this special day. Since what I came to now as the golden period remained intact there was no need to upstage her on her birthday or cause her to be upset by forgetting about it as I have done with so many others since. I can still picture her sat across the table from me, by the window, her sky blue dress and her slender shoulders on display, shoulders that I would always kiss tenderly and cause her to tremble in anticipation. Her eyes shone with excitement as she knew a gift awaited her and I felt her excitement as it flowed over me, it was especially edifying. I had arranged for the waiter to bring the gift over once we had finished our meal and I watched him approach from the corner of my eye as I continued to look at Trisha, both of us smiling. The waiter placed the green-blue box with the white ribbon in front of Trish and she pulled at the ribbon, letting it fall as she lifted the lid on the box and then looked at the contents with her mouth falling open. She lifted the necklace from the box as it glinted and it was then that I saw her eyes were welling with tears. Her mouth was still open, caught between a gasp and wanting to say something but her eyes were filled with tears. I watched as she stared at the jewellery, the sapphire spinning and flashing as it caught the various lights, both candle and electric in the restaurant.

“Don’t you like it?” I asked puzzled at her reaction. A tear trickled down her cheek.

“Oh HG, I love it, it is so beautiful. Thank you, thank you so much. It is the best gift that I have ever received.”

“Why are you crying then?” I asked perplexed. Her words seemed genuine to me, laden with appreciation and thanks, but the appearance of tears cast some doubt on this. It was important to me to ensure that she was delighted and thrilled with the gift that I had purchased for her.

“Because I am so pleased with what you have given me, I’m not upset,” she said smiling as she gave a short self-deprecating laugh and brushed the tear away although it was soon replaced by another.

“These are tears of joy, happiness, I am so overwhelmed,” she explained.

I remember the surge that arose as she told me this. I had heard of people crying tears of happiness but I had never seen it. I was naturally pleased that she was so delighted with my gift but what I remember most about that evening was the effect on me. Once it was confirmed that these were indeed tears of joy, the sensation that shot through me was immense. I had made someone cry because they were so happy, so joyous and so delighted. I had only ever previously seen the tears that came from pain, misery, upset and chastisement and this was something new.

“You like it then?” I asked.

“I love it. Oh I love it so much, you are a wonderful boyfriend, thank you,” she gushed, effusive in her delight.

That moment, when I first witnessed tears of joy has always remained with me. Not only because of how it made me feel, how powerful and invigorated I felt that I had made someone cry in circumstances which I had never witnessed before. New ground was broken that evening. It also, however stayed with me because I have never shed tears of joy myself. Indeed, I often got Trisha to recount to me how she actually felt as she opened the box and looked on the gift. She articulated the sensations which washed over her, a sense of amazement, disbelief at first and then a warmth which spread across her.

“It was as if an angel had touched my heart,” she explained, “and I just felt really happy, really delighted at how the person I love the most had chosen something so special for me. It made me feel wanted, special but above all I felt elevated, you know, as if I had been lifted up.”

“Did you feel powerful?” I asked her.

“No, not that, just excited, with a jittery sensation in my stomach but not from nervousness but from being so happy and pleased.”

Ever since then when I achieved my superlative examination results, when I received various job offers, when I have been promoted or a recipient of industry awards or accolades I have never felt the joyous sensation that Trish spoke of. Indeed, I recall when a job offer arrived through the post I read it and did not feel anything as I read the words offering me the position, couched as they were in a straight-forward and business-like manner. The only thing I felt was the sense of anticipation at the reaction of my then girlfriend when I telephoned her to tell the good news. It was her response that I was looking forward to which made me actually feel something. When she squealed down the phone and congratulated me, it was then that I felt the familiar power surge as my achievement was recognised. I was not able to feel that as I read the emotion free letter on my own, I needed the interface with another.

Thus when I have stood on a stage and accepted an award after being voted number one in my industry and the generous applause is ringing in my ears and I shake the hands of the representatives of the award sponsors and smile at their “congratulations”, “well dones” and “thoroughly deserveds” I have felt that familiar surge of power, but nothing akin to what Trish described for me. There is no joy. There are no tears of joy.

I revel in bringing forth those tears of joy for other people during my seduction of them. Indeed, I must always try to achieve this because the power that arises from knowing I have achieved this is considerable. To move someone to tears as a consequence of happiness is power indeed. It still fascinates me. Whilst I of course draw fuel from the tears of upset and frustration and they are potent indeed, they do not hold the same fascination for me as witnessing those tears of joy. I saw tears of sadness and upset many times in the past and understood how to bring that forth, but the experience of seeing those tears of joy was quite the revelation to me and all the more fascinating because I am able to cause something in others that I can never feel for myself. Such is the twisted nature of the power that I wield.

29 thoughts on “The Crying Game – Part Three

  1. Maria says:

    HG Tudor, did you really do what you told in that story, or it is just a story?
    Tears of joy are life increasing, tears of pain are life depleting…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes I did.

  2. B says:

    Hunters & Collectors – True Tears Of Joy……

  3. BraveHeart says:

    I sold the beautiful diamond and ruby pendants (kept the chains) and never felt greater relief until the day I did. HG, I’m sure you’ve experienced the tears of others, after making love, how did that make you feel the first time, in comparison to tears of joy?

    The ex-N never showed emotion, of any kind, when receiving awards or accolades from others. However, there was a time when I had collected kind, going away comments from all of his employees, in a card, and presented it to him in front of his bosses, his wife and his employees. He seemed so proud, but as soon as his wife stood up to say something, immediately after I had finished, his entire demeanor changed. He went from sitting tall to almost a slump and a few people told me afterwards that he got a glare on his face that clearly said, he was pissed. He told me later on, as we were going to lunch that she called him to apologize for saying what she did, which I didn’t think there was anything wrong with what she said, at all. It makes me wonder why she was really apologizing and what the ramifications would have been towards her, once they got home.

    In fact, now that I mention it, why would you think that when they had the retirement party for him, she didn’t sit by him? She sat clear across the room from him, leaving two empty chairs right next to him. A friend of mine, who knew nothing about what was happening between us, told me to go sit by him. I hesitated at first because I didn’t want to raise suspicion, especially in front of his wife. Although I knew most everyone there knew we were great “friends”, I had no idea what his wife thought, and I didn’t want to be disrespectful towards her in front of an entire room of our co-workers. Anyway, needless to say, I’m still stumped and confused as to why she didn’t go sit by him and be by his side when he was being praised for his job well done. I would think that would have been a criticism to him, now knowing what I do, but he didn’t seem to care at all, until she stood to speak.

    HG, is it possible that I was being given the Golden Period for 3.5 years? I know there was some devaluation going on, especially with the trips he and his wife would take together, but for the most part, he was always really good to me, until the last year, after he retired. It was then that I started noticing more of the distancing, lies and inconsistencies taking place. Do you think he went back to giving his wife the Golden Period, or do you think it’s more likely that he found a new Secondary replacement and she’s still being devalued? Anyway, I have no idea what went on behind closed doors after that retirement party, but I do know he was extremely irritated with her the second she stood up to speak.

    HG, is the reason you get bored so easily with relationships, because you’re constantly trying to achieve the same type of power you did the first time with Trish?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is because people let me down and this reminds me of what has happened in the past and this causes the vitriolic hatred to rise.

  4. Elena says:

    HG, when and how did you understand the concept of fuel? The greates always get to know that concept?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have always known that the reaction of other people has made me feel better and more powerful. It is only in recent years that I have come to put a label to it and understand the structure with greater clarity.

  5. MLA - Clarece says:

    It’s as if your brain has become frozen to accept any kind of achievement is worthy of your own acknowledgement. My God did MatriNarc condition you and her reactions could blow either way like a screen door in a Texas tornado depending on her mood. Every time you need to hear validation on an achievement through the reaction of your current IP, you are reenacting getting an approval for Little HG, and it’s like you’re in limbo until you have it.

    1. MLAC,
      I agree that he wanted the approval and tries to get it now. However I think empaths are guilty of this too by being people pleasers. He just became a giver of conditions without love and I became a giver of not love but condition meeting. If I do what he wants and give him my best he will love me, uh, nope. He will instead run me ragged until I can’t give anymore. Then weeks, months, years later come back and see if I am ready to jump through hoops again to please his needs of dominance and control. A sad and lonely condition for both parties even though we pretend that it’s not.

  6. Cherry says:

    Why not just focus on the positive stuff then like gaining the tears of joy.. why twist things up with the toxic stuff. Wouldn’t everyone be happy if you was just getting your positive fuel…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Cherry, yes they would, but the contrast is needed because the positive fuel becomes stale.

      1. BraveHeart says:

        HG, when I think about what the difference must be like for you between positive and negative fuel, I think of it as being no different than viewing a serene lake, with no ripples, and becoming quite bored after a short while. However, if you stood me in front of an erupting volcano (from a “greater” distance, of course), I’d be mesmerized for hours wondering what kind of damage it could and probably will cause. The serene lake is still beautiful, but the volcano would be much more exciting to see.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is a in interesting way of describing it BraveHeart.

      2. B says:

        Hey HG have you ever had MDMA? Serious question!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello B, yes I have.

          1. B says:

            Oh yeah?! And what did you think? Did you like it?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I did a lot of dancing and my jaw ached the next day.

  7. ava101 says:

    HG: do you care what a woman looks like (aside from presenting yourself with her)? Or is it more how she reacts to you and how you ‘feel’ about yourself because of her?

  8. Matilda says:

    This is a touching post.

    She probably also cried because she felt that you really cared about her: you took the time to ponder on what she might like, you went and bought it. Empaths do not feel entitled to anything. We may hope for attention (time, touch, gifts etc.), but it is never taken for granted. That is why we are moved if it happens, even more so if it is carried out in such a thoughtful, loving manner. I see why you did it, but that does not change how it made her feel. The monetary value of the gift, btw, is pretty much irrelevant, it was the thought that mattered to her.

    It is very sad that the feeling of joy is alien to you, and you can only feel something by witnessing someone else’s response to your actions or achievements. You can feel it, but in a distorted way. The full range of emotions is so much more fulfilling than power alone. Truth be told, empaths suffer more as a result, but to me, it is absolutely worth it!

    As to tears: I cry tears of joy when I witness or read something beautiful that touches the core of my being… but I can only let them flow when I am alone… when I am with others, I will try not to show it… you lay your soul bare… it is not for everyone to see… eyes welling up, unable to speak… if possible, I slip away and tend to it in solitude… I only ever showed my happy tears to him… he said he could look into my soul… I knew, I wanted him to… not sure if I will ever feel safe enough with someone new. Tears of sadness are nowhere near as potent… would not want to show them either, but it has happened… pain obstructs the view, you’re safe, they cannot catch a glimpse.

  9. Shesheb says:

    Buttonytundra, I know exactly what you are talking about. Cross examination about what I was feeling constantly. He was constantly studying me and everyone. He even admitted it.

  10. Interesting. I always found it weird that my ex wanted me to describe what feelings felt like, sometimes to the point of cross-examination, like somehow he didn’t believe me. This explains it!

  11. High Octane Fuel says:

    “Did you feel powerful?”

    “No, not that, just excited…”

    Fantastic post. Fantastic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you HOF.

  12. The Bridge says:

    Hello HG,
    If I understand, HATE( and other negative feelings) is the glue that holds your construction sustainable.
    Meaning of haterd is the glue ??
    How or in what way does this feeling serving you?

    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It provides me with fuel TB which acts as the glue for the construct.

  13. Brian says:

    Thast interesting, I would feel happy when I recieved the job offer.

    Would you feel comfortable writing about the subsequent devaluation trigger and devaluation period of Trish?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You can read about it in the Asylum of the Grotesque when it is published Brian.

      1. Brian says:

        I’ll check that out, I think you also mentioned it will contain details of going to marriage counselling so thats two good reasons.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed Brian. As with other publications there will be an announcement when it is available.

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