The Dirty Divorce


Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –

  1. It is your fault. It is always your fault;
  2. If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
  3. We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to use through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
  4. If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
  5. If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
  6. There is no concern on our part that we might we be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
  7. We like to get in first;
  8. Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.

If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –

  1. A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
  2. It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
  3. Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
  4. We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
  5. We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
  6. Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
  7. It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.

Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.

Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?

  1. The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
  2. If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
  3. There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
  4. There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
  5. Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
  6. We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
  7. We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
  8. There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
  9. There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
  10. You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
  11. There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
  12. We will place heavily reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
  13. There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
  14. Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
  15. There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
  16. Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
  17. Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
  18. There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
  19. It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
  20. We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
  21. There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
  22. Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
  23. You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
  24. We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
  25. Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
  26. There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
  27. Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
  28. There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
  29. We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.

Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.

23 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce

  1. A says:

    What are your thoughts on how one of your kind (particularly a mid range) reacts to being held in contempt of court for non payment of child support after he discards the family? How does one justify non payment or handle the court case making the non payment public knowledge? Is being in jail or “losing” to the custodial parent the bigger injury? Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is an expansive issue A and I recommend you organise a consultation with me so I can garner more information and give you a helpful and accurate response.

  2. J says:

    I’ve never met a narcissist interested in helping others, I suspect you enjoy sharing insight because people marvel at your intelligence while others admire you. You are smart and I hope one day you find contentment. With that being said, I would like your help. My ex is an abusive narc. He was a cop, but as part of a plea deal, he just lost his certificate instead of going to jail for extorting sex. I WAS, but am no longer your typical co-dependent.

    We have three children, one a girl, he has discarded, but the boys he wants. He doesn’t want them, I want them he wants to torture me. It took me 8 years to get child support and 6 months after that he wanted custody. He abuses, mistreats and neglects our children. The kids are scared of him and he keeps dragging me to court. Of course, he thinks he’s an awesome dad and looooves the court drama.

    Per the instruction of social services I refused him visitation recently. He refused to leave and was arrested. He has now filed a show cause hearing, due to my refusal to allow him to have the children. He appears to be pro se, as the last attorney he skipped out on.

    I actually have an attorney, I’m keeping this a secret until the last moment, but in the meanwhile what should I do? I’ve been ignoring him, which he can’t stand. I was hoping his new pregnant girlfriend would give him supply and he’d leave me alone, but he won’t stop. I suspect it is because he’s still paying child support. I haven’t let him know that I’ve been served, but I thought what if there was something I could do to help me unravel a bit. He’s already falling apart. I just need to push him over the edge so I can protect the children.

    If I could change things I would have never pursued child support. I have to “win” in court. I have the social worker, deputies and the children all willing to testify. The children will only speak privately to the judge and will not be subject to questioning by their father.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is a matter which is best addressed through consultation.

  3. C* says:

    Recently experienced all this, to a “T”…..

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Shitty deal. Is it over or are you still dealing with it?

  4. Eclipse says:

    Is it better to make plans to disappear completely if you have children and fear they will be taken and given to his mother?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  5. Sandy says:

    My narc husband is doing his level best to frustrate me during our divorce. His counter settlement offer is absurd so he really isn’t interested in settling. I am going to take it to trial so that he is not in control of what he feels I should receive after 26 years of marriage. Do you have any advice I can use to frustrate him?

  6. BraveHeart says:

    HG, what would be the deciding factor, besides better fuel, for the Greater Narc to tell his spouse he wants a divorce?

    I think I know now that the reason I didn’t get the starring role (thank God) is because I wasn’t giving him the “greater” negative fuel he required. I told you a while back that he asked me (7 months before being discarded), “why won’t you get angry at me and tell me how you really feel?”. My answer to him was, “I learned a long time ago that it was a waste of my time and energy to go down that path”. He looked baffled, but never said another word about it.

    Would it have been a bigger risk for him to divorce his wife in that case (although he was receiving tremendous amounts of positive fuel) because he wasn’t convinced he’d ever be able to break me completely for more negative fuel? Was it easier staying with her, and to start looking for a new Secondary Source (if he didn’t already have one lined up), than it was trying to extract the negative fuel from me. All he really got from me, as far a negative fuel, was my tears. I never once showed anger towards him. Oh, there were a few times towards the end, but those were mostly in texting.

    I just wonder what it would really take for him to decide that it was worth discarding his wife of 18 years. To me, he just seems lazy. He’s definitely not a bum, but it just seems like it would be too much energy for him to towards a long, drawn out divorce, at this point in his life (54 yrs).

  7. Sophia says:

    Have you ever been married? Have you had a previous girlfriend get married? If so, what was your reaction? Hypothetically speaking, what would happen if a fuel source were to get married when you were not finished being fueled?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It amused me.
      I am never finished with being fuelled.

  8. Stina Santos Serrer says:

    Hello Sir HG, can you be so kind to give me your view on the following?
    I left the house with all my things inside, and left the country, never asked for money or anything. Bin NC since that time. He moved immediately to the house of the new Supply, living from her money. I was married in Germany, there for i must wait one year before divorce. One year is already gone… No signal of divorce… He is a Midi…
    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Stina, he moved to the new appliance because he had her lined up and he is now preoccupied with her, hence why he moved there. He is clearly enjoying the golden period still and that is why he has made no move to divorce you. In addition, the divorce is a method of gaining fuel from you and hoovering and he will be saving that for down the line.

  9. Good Morning HG from my side of the world and to the beautiful women on this site. Thank you for tolerating a purple influence, and no I am not an elephant, though my mother has reminded me over the years that I have the memory of one 🙂

    The sun is coming up as I gaze from my desk across a beautiful tree lined horizon. I have fed my babies (orphan birds hand raised, they jump up and down in excitement as I reach them and although each is one year of age, they fluff themselves up and do cute things as does a one year old infant). After they eat, they can come out for a fly around and more bonding, as they only ever fly onto me even as I type and take over my pc 🙂 They don’t poop until back in their cages, that they go back to voluntarily. Both have been free a number of times and both find the big world daunting, I suppose, even though their own species entices them to leave. Their own kind visits them regularly and shares their fruit in their outside aviaries.

    There comes the dilemma in this situation- should I flick them off and reject them and know that they will dehydrate quickly especially the one that requires water for survival due to his high metabolism, when even experienced birds have been found drowned in my horses water troughs, through thirst and once those feathers are drenched, they have no hope of getting out of the situation- a very sad sight for me to find. Do I reject them when they come back through desperation and hunger, do I shut the doors and ignore their voices, the ones that I know so well of all the birds out there. They know my voice so well, one is speaking just fine and has a great vocabulary. Do I divorce myself of them though I know they may not survive?

    I fell in love with a large baby Macaw, yes love at first sight and her name was Willow. I walked into the large petbarn on the coast, was amazed to see four large most beautful Macaws in out part of the world. One gazed at me, and we connected immediately. The pet store allowed photographs to be taken of the pair of us, the connection was immediate, they said when a bird chooses you, it’s for life. They are monogamous creatures, often when one bird is hit by a car, another will be killed not far from it. Their partner puts their life on the line for the one that they love, unlike us creatures- well some of us do but it may not be reciprocated.

    There is a saying, be as great a person as your dog thinks you are. We have much to learn as the (superior) species. Who is really the superior species? Nothing please me more than two great beings galloping over the hills at my presence. Without having to call them, they seem to know that I am there. I have hidden behind trees and been very quiet, yet they detect my energy. Horses are full of spirit and many, once their racing careers are over are sent to the death pens, or straight to slaughter. Used up yet served their masters very well and yet sent to a fate that man himself could not tolerate. We are most disloyal, are we not? That is all I wanted to say.

    Very good article HG, I suggest that anyone going through separation or divorce keep HG’s article and arm themselves with it as a backup source to what they are trying to get across about their disloyal ex. Time to release the birds for a fly 🙂

    1. NoNarcs says:

      PRH, nice to hear about your part of the world. I’ve been saved a few times by the beauty, splendor, love and loyalty of animals, although technically I was considered the rescuer. There is that saying, “who rescued who? ” I am especially fond of the birds. I can picture your babies, feathers fluffed, and singing with delight. With your assistance, they have chosen the life that’s right for them.
      Four years ago a beautiful orange parrot literally flew into my life. She appeared in a tree in my yard, and she squawked until I noticed her. When I looked into her eyes, I knew she was terrified. In the US in the Northeast, tropical parrots don’t belong outside on a blustery fall day. She allowed me to help her, and I’m grateful that she did. I wasn’t able to locate her original people although I tried for months. Perhaps she was abandoned. Yes, people can be so disloyal and cruel sometimes. It took awhile to gain her trust. She needed to be sure that I was worthy. Did I mention how smart she is? She’s been my faithful friend ever since.

      1. NoNarcs: Thank you or sharing your beautiful experience with your little girl parrot. I am sure that she is super smart and enhances your life as you do hers and she chose you and your tree that day, she would not have survived. No doubt it took some time to gain her trust and you have done so well to get that 🙂 You belong together and you are correct they are the rescuers in many ways and continue to show this. Mine have been particularly busy today, and she is just grinding her beak settling herself off for nigh nighs and he has been out most of the day and has only just retired to his cage. Don’t you just love it when they grind their beaks and settle themselves off to sleep lol. Best wishes 🙂

    2. Love says:

      Hi Purple. You seem to be feeling better. 💜

      1. Hi Love, thank you I think it is a matter of someone else has near broke themselves trying to break me, lol plus I used my spiritual authority whilst he was sleeping and did quite a bit of smudging. Has calmed things right down, I will take what I can get whilst it lasts I am at peace <3 <3 <3 Thank you.

  10. Bridgeovertroubledwater says:

    My ex N was still married when I met him. We started a “polyamorous’ relationship. Everything “open and honest”….(I will never do it again!!)

    But, after six years I wanted to stop the relationship……I had lost “myself” completely and I thought it was because of “sharing” him….
    I was surprised he wanted to divorce…he said: Not because of you, I just don’t want to be married anymore.
    He told his wife he still loved her (I’m sure he did!) and it was a very calm divorce with a mediator. She remained under his spell….they still had a lot of contact afterwards…and now I see how see was manipulated during the marriage and after. They were together for 30 years. (and still are 🙂 )

    So, sometimes the divorce is not dirty, because the N wants the wife to remain in his life as a source.

    HG, do you know this is a wellknown tric of N : a polyamorous relationship? “They are so honest and nobel” Ggrrrrrrrrrrrr

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