The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

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70 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion”

  1. Pingback: Savage love. – The Realest Housewife
  2. I fell in love with an illusion and been fooled by an iilusion many times over now I’m 43 and find that with a good, kind, loving partner I to my absolute horror and disgust am acting out myself in a narcisstic way when I’m scared that my needs will go unmet. I lash out in a rage, a quiet determined fury that doesn’t ease in me until I get the answer I’m looking for. So many times I’ve been the victim, letting my loyalty make a fool out of myself, then am left to feel shame and guilt. This Isobel of the most powerful and poignant pieces I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  3. How do we kill this illusion or rather the longing for it? I mean cognitively I get it but emotionally… He’s hoovering​ now, I’ve never dealt with that and combined it’s making me more vulnerable than I’d ever like to admit (thank God for the internet). I’m surrounded by ever presence i got this place for us and now I’m left here alone submerged in memories and the bitter discontent that can only come from the realisation of everything being for absolutely nothing… Now this hoovering. I’m minimally in contact because I need him to cover one last split bill, two weeks and counting although I have little faith in it solidifying. He did pay for one the other day and that was his door open to hoover. It’s been a month, figured he had new supply (he could very well), it’s not obvious if benign or not i don’t trust anything he says. But the texts afterwards… He created a dessert and is dancing rain in front of me but i resisted and now it’s not like night and day back to cold fury. I just need it to stop, if i can get it registered in my heart that it’s all a fantasy i think it’d help.
    Ugh this feeling helpless stuff is utter cr@p. So gross, I’m not one this at all normally, it’s gross.

  4. How would a mid-range narc react if he knew that two former IPPSs (one escaped, one discarded) were comparing notes about him? Of course it would provide fuel, but would he also feel threatened? The escaped IPPS still sees him occasionally because of shared children and grandchildren. The discarded IPPS (me) has maintained NC with him, though obviously still in a family sphere of influence.

    And btw, thank you for this blog, HG. I’ve just recently discovered it, and it’s been incredibly valuable in helping me understand why I can’t just “get over it” as everyone (except the other ex-IPPS) seems to expect. It’s because I’m a victim of 10 tears of emotional abuse. Duh!!!

  5. There was a time when I believed I could never stop loving my narcissist but once I uncovered his serial cheating and realized he had been manipuative and deceitful for decades, I made the effort to detach by using logic. Who could love such a man? All the shame and blame I endured and then to find out he was playing a game. If it was illusion, it was not real. Therefore my love was not real because I cannot love a man who never existed. Once you wake up, and the cognitive dissonance dissipates, it becomes easy to detach.

    I’m with those who say the last line does not resonate for them.

  6. Right to the core HG, like salt in a fresh wound. I think you were there with me….If there is only one lingering torturous pain that sits deep within me, it will be that I allowed him to help my son’s carry their father to his grave and that my daughter once called him godfather. I will survive that I loved an illusion, and I will repair every last crack, not only to keep him from me but from my children ( all in their 20’s and 30’s). I may, however, not survive the hatred that consumes my being and the fear of never trusting again.

  7. A Post I copied from another site. Wow…

    Okay, here’s the thing. I see a lot of articles and stuff saying that empaths and narcs/sociopaths/etc. often end up together and why, but nobody points out something a friend pointed out to me recently. This friend knows me very well, and knew how empathic I was even before I realized it. He asked, what did you feel from him? In the very beginning? I told him the truth: he showed me affection and respect, and I didn’t feel all those dark chaotic things that most guys had, all that emotional rubber-ball bouncing. He felt STABLE. It was nice and safe.

    My friend didn’t even have to complete the inquiry. I saw it. Sociopaths would feel stable, wouldn’t they? They wouldn’t give off scary emotions because they don’t really feel much of anything. Of course as an empath I was comfortable around him, enough to fall in love with him. I wasn’t constantly being bombarded with feelings. I didn’t understand that it was because he didn’t have any.

  8. So this was written by a self confessed narcissist. And that’s probably why I find so many incorrect narcissistic declarations of a false reality here. This may be what the narcissist believes or wants to believe is happening, but it was not accurate for me. He believes we just sit only ruminating on what we enjoyed about them and how that’s gone. False. Ultimately we become focused on the reality of the crimes committed against us by them. He declares “The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. ” and “Your heart will never accept that it was not real.” Again false. He would love to believe that he has caused an ETERNAL pain.. but it’s another delusion of grandeur. We heal, learn to carry the experience, and stop hurting for it. Our hearts do eventually accept the simple reality that a monster can be a con artist and that we were tricked. The narcissist however does not heal their traumas and pain, as evidenced by their continued patterns of abuse – on to the next victim. He says “That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. ” False again, from a puffed up self obsessor. We learn to recognize all the cracks you put in us, and fill that shit with a mortar of knowledge about you and what you do.. When you come back to check on that crack, we can be so resistant to your tactics that we don’t even feel vulnerable to you at all. At that point we see you only as a floundering child reaching for a cookie you can’t have, because it no longer exists. “Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent. You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.” OMG. How inflated of an ego do you have to have to believe such a thing? This is like an angry child’s wish list. Not in any way to be confused with reality. There is no hole that never seals, as long as we learn about that hole and how to seal it. Scars can be permanent, yes, but they aren’t destined to always be a detriment to us. Scars become armor. The last line is ridiculous. We won’t always be in love with the person we thought they were. We forget that love because we transform it in our minds into what it really was. We don’t continue to love a memory of a fake. We love someone else, someone real that we choose with the new open eyes that the narcissist so graciously has given us. Imagine… our greatest weapon against them and their kind, to render them powerless… and we acquired / stole it… from them… because surely they didn’t want us to have it.

    1. His words try to capitalize on initial shock and pain, and try to increase the already intense anxiety that we have in those days about a feeling that we may never recover. He and his ego wishes we stay like that… but we don’t. I’m here to offer myself as proof. To me my ex narc is now a flailing child of a blip in my rearview. She’s something that caused me to learn much.. but I mean she doesn’t even get the credit of being the teacher, just the annoyance to work around in life. If we learned to build a bridge to avoid a fall, the narcissist is the hole… The least significant part to the process and its rewards.

    2. That may well be applicable to you but in my experience of my victims and witnessing the many thousands of interactions I have had across numerous platforms the position is as has been written. Indeed, this particular post is one of the most popular for encapsulating the way that people have felt. Good for you that you have seized the power and sealed the crack etc as you describe, but you are in minority.

      1. I agree HG. After 8 months the pain is still there, though less sharp. Yes, I will always hold that person I believed he was in a hidden place in my heart. I won’t visit that place but I won’t destroy it either. You see, if I loved you once…a part of me always will. I wish I had never met him…but I did. Kudos to you John. Most of us here would like to be able to walk away and become unaffected. We can’t though…but our narcissists can…and did.

      2. Still Confused, you stated: “You see, if I loved you once…a part of me always will.”
        I feel the same way. I may feel disappointed at someone for their undesirable actions, but i do not stop loving them, unless they do something very unforgiveable, like abuse a child, the elderly, the disabled, the sick, the homeless, the oppressed, or innocent animals.

  9. Hallo Ptsd,
    there is a time lack between the answers. Thank you very much for telling me your life story. And thank you very much for your welcome. Now I understand. What an emotional combination of you both. In one way a perfect match. He gains fuel by your highly emotional answers as much as he needs. He is not able to trust your love, because he is persuaded he does not “earn” any love.
    It is his shame. He still feels guilty, because of what happened to him. And men normally do not talk about emotions and negative things in their life. And being abused as a man is much more worse. The society says: You have to be strong, do not cry, do not be weak, do not let other people see your pain. Do not talk about it. There is also this homosexual component in this abuse. And if he was seduced, not taken by violence, he is much more persuaded, that it was his guilt. He should have seen it. He should have resisted.And he is not able to see, that it was the power of a grown up, who abused the need of a little child for love and tenderness. So he cannot work it out. Ptsd, perhaps he has only some of the narcissistic traits, he should go to a therapy and talk, talk, talk about his experience. Or he should talk about it to other men, who were abused too on/ in? a forum for sexually abused men. Perhaps you find a forum for him and tell him. He can talk there freely, because they do not know each other. This could be a way for him.

    1. Hi mona
      My ex refuses to go to therapy or to a forum. I have suggested it but he says he is not ‘crazy.’ He also does not wish to talk about the abuse. When i bring it up, he always says ‘let’s not talk about it.’ I told him it will be healthy to talk about it, but it is obviously too uncomfortable for him. Thank you for your comment.

  10. Hi HG, how far would you go for a future int. primary source? I’m asking about the stage you’re performing the illusion on, like: when I meet someone, I also like to know about their job, their education, and also how they live, what they read, if they a members in any groups, etc.
    —> Would you stage your apartment? Would you stock your fridge with vegan food? Would you join a group? What i a narcissist had a job which doesn’t fit the criteria of his victim at all? Sure, you could lie, at the beginning, but I would look it up on the internet?
    Would you take time to practice a new skill like … Kung Fu or parachute jumping … ;D … BEFORE starting the seduction?

  11. Dear other kind.
    Your Emptiness, may your humble inferior remind you that you are driven by an overeactive dopaniminic system that make you focus on the expected rewards at the cost of being thoughtless about consequences. Narcissist produce 4 times more dopanine than normal person in response to reward but are lower in dopanine in general settings, thus the never endind urge for fuel foraging. This makes you, my dear, an addict chasing its tail. You are not in a highly sophisticated game hunt, this how you rationalize your physiological drive.
    Narcissit rides the waves of novelty, pleasure, succes and admiration but not forever. This was your good days. Lacking adequate levels of occytocine for long lasting bonding and seen the fiery road of strife left behind with your close relations you end up inevitably in decompensation. Now the needy, mentally 9 year old adult, is in life crisis disgustingly reaped apart and shaken. You were too special to respect and value such lowy commun values as family so you end up not invited and second .

  12. I am no longer in love with the illusion. He admitted he was reflecting me, so i know that person did not exist. I now love him, the real him, without the reflecting. But the real him is boring, doesn’t talk much, and gets irritated easily.

    1. Ptsdaafternarcabuse
      Why do you love a boring man? I do not understand that. Please tell me, why do you love an abusing man? Why don´t you love yourself? Do you like to be abused? I really do not understand that. I do not want to hurt you, but it seems to be a little bit crazy.

      1. Hi mona!
        Are you new here? If so, welcome! My ex was engaging, thoughtful, caring, loving, affectionate for the first 2.5 years. He is driven, ambitious, dedicated, hard-working, financially responsible (refuses to borrow money from me). He also has stunning looks and a toned physique.
        In retrospect, he was not very abusive, compared to what others have endured. My main complaint is that he would often cancel at the last minute and reschedule our meetings. This was very traumatic for me because i am borderline and i cannot tolerate rejection. A few months ago, i confronted him abt narcissism. He denied it at first, but finally accepted it after approx one month. I asked him to be himself, and that i will still love the ‘true’ him, as a friend. He said that nobody can love the true him because the true him is not somebody to be loved. I replied ‘yes you are someone who can be loved and pls get that thought out of your mind.’ However, since he no longer reflects me much (sometimes he does by accident because it is so natural for him), he is relatively quiet these days, in other words ‘boring.’ But i didn’t want to just abandon him. I want him to know that his true self IS loveable. He was sexually abused as a child by an adult male for 3 years, and my heart goes out to him.
        There is more to my story, but this is enough for now 😀

  13. We were not in love with an illusion, we were in love with ourselves. That is something we must always remember… and to ourselves, we must return!

    Prior to the ordeal, I had no self awareness whatsoever that my soul was beautiful, that what I had to offer was rare to find. Oddly enough, he often told me, and I dismissed it as lover’s flattery. With hindsight, I understood what he meant. True words from a liar’s mouth.

    My heart fully accepts that the narc did not mean anything he said, and I am at peace with that. My heart also accepts that artificial ‘love’ is all he will ever be capable of… because he is a coward, and prefers to run from his wounds rather than face them and heal… and he will die never having truly lived at all… his choice, not my problem anymore.

    The fracture may heal, it may not, but I know it is there, and it will be guarded… too much destruction he left in his wake to be ever allowed anywhere near… there is no coming back.

    Cohen once said: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in”. I had a moment of immense joy yesterday, drifting off to sleep… for the first time feeling close to my old self, the one that gave freely and loved without fear… and I realised that it is the only way to be 🙂

  14. Gotta say how much I’ve really enjoyed the narctails this week HG . I love the modern twists you’ve added, dark & yet funny at the same time I can honestly say It’s been a pleasure reading them all, I really hope there’s more in the pipeline . Would love to see them in print 🙂

    Thank you .

    NNS .

  15. This post was indeed spot on, as vile as it is and the anguish of admitting it is just as devastating. My question, HG, is how do you know so well? From years of experience with such easily read empaths as I? I suppose love can be catorgorized as easily as evil or anything else with a absence of emotion.
    Simply put, I sense so much more going on here. I am so curious as to what lay behind the stories. The deeper things not divulged. There is always more to the story than a narc can reveal and I still have reservations. After all, the most well known trait of a narc is mixing just enough truth to keep us confused.
    The comments I read are so far from the point of the “lesson” and I find that frustrating. Don’t you? I mean this is to serve your purpose first, right? What the hell do you get out of all the interminable jargon?
    As, for me, thanks for asking, I cannot find the truths I seek in between the lines without more useful information. Affirmation of similar experiences etc. Healing and self help groups are elsewhere for the banter. I use those as well. Here, I’m looking for otherwise unfound truths as you provide and some sort of usable knowledge for recovery.

  16. ” Your heart will never accept that it was not real.” Oh trust me it has . ..

    “You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.” Wrong again matey. …. Next ………

  17. “You will always be in love with the person you thought I was” and that is your illusion, H.G. Perhaps, you are still in love with your mother. Still hanging on, what she should be for you. And you cannot escape your illusion. None of your parents loved you, like you were. Therefore there is a hole, dark hole. And you are still reaching out for their appreciation, because you follow their rules and their way to see life. If the sharks are too many, they will eliminate each other. Are you sure, that you are the one that survives? And what will you do, if there are only some sharks left in the deep blue sea? You follow your own way of destruction. It is good to put some fishing nets into the sea,to control the amount of sharks outside. No remorse, no regret to eliminate some of the sharks.

    1. What is up with the “mother” fixation anyway??? EVERYTHING was about Mom…every lie… It was so bizarre from a man nearing 60 years of age.

      1. Mona: very well put. 🙂

        It’s all a about the “basic sense of trust” that wasn’t developed. It comes through the mother in most cases, so when it’s simply not there …. look what happens.

        This is why it’s always the evil step-mother in fairy tales.
        It’s the same reason there is no connection or believe in anything higher – no trust in God or Mother Goddess, no faith in a higher self.

        There is only a kind of complete inbalance, like a rocking ship blank.
        This complete absence of trust is what makes it impossible to regard anyone else as a person who can be trusted, they MUST be appliances.

        This is what I sensed in my ex-narc and I could talk to him about that (once in four years) and he described in his own words that this is true.

  18. And I am still thinking about this. If I am true, I must admit, that I did not love him, but his fast car, I still love that kind of car. I am sad to say, that I do not have a car like that. He provided me with “fuel”, compliments and material things in the beginning. Since I am taking good care of myself, I get so many compliments of many people, I feel appreciated, but I do not need these compliments anymore. And the car? I now do allow myself to buy a car like that. Yes, he changed my mind a lot. I am free now. A little bit, I feel ashamed, that I have been with someone like him. Too polite, too boasting, too demanding, too self-centered, too lazy, too childish. What the hell did I like? It was the attention, he gave to me and of course his car.

  19. That was then but this is now. There is no longing or regret for the beast. Even now my heart is guarded and I have trained myself to have a poker face. The best defence is no offence. Nothing is the abyss in which the dragon is hiding. It is yet to be determined whether I will become a dragonslayer or a dragon trainer. Of course with the guidance of master H.G

  20. Can I ask HG … Have you ever felt Romantic Love? If not, is it something you would want for yourself in the future? Do you think you are capable of giving and receiving love? Thank you… x x

    1. Hello Overthinker, no i have not. I used to think I had but now I realise I had not. I can receive love, I regularly do, although I end up rejecting it. Am I capable of giving love in the way you understand it? No. I do not know how to. Would I want to? If I had to, then yes, but I do not have to being the way that I am.

      1. HG,
        Thank you for the clarification.
        I have a question: do greater narcs admire other people? Or narcs in general. From my experience they are only envious on others..

      2. There may be a portrayal of admiration for the purposes of the facade and other self-serving needs but there is envy there.

      3. I thank you so much for your honesty in both your writing and responses to questions… I am new to your site … Your website was mentioned in the comments section in an article about Nararcissts last week in the Daily Mail …. I am just an ember of the person I formally was before this (I can’t even say relationship now as I have no idea what it was to him) started. Complicated by ill health and other issues… Obviously I’m empath, hoovered (never heard of that term before) dozens of times because I believed he was damaged and needed love…. I remember seeing a quote a picture of a blindfolded girl dancing with the Devil “Trust me, she knew who she was dancing with the entire time. She just chose to see the good in everybody. I personally don’t think she should change that about herself. It’s possible her energy could even bring the best in the devil” I believed that and love was the answer … Weirdly as I was looking for the accurate quote … I found a quote to paraphrase “If you dance with Devil to long, you don’t change the Devil, the Devil changes you”… I truly don’t think either of you are Devils just opposite natures and closet analogy it has however left questioning if I was also a Nararcisst … You kindly answered that question… They say knowledge is power …. Hopefully I will of gained strength for when the inevitable hoover trys to occur and I no longer feel the love, empathy, sympathy and forgiveness I have usually shown as it is neither appreciated or reciprocated…. With a lump in my throat, weakened and fragile beyond my belief … I do thank you in a very defeated way …. x x

      4. I thank you so much for your honesty in both your writing and responses to questions… I am new to your site … Your website was mentioned in the comments section in an article about Nararcissts last week in the Daily Mail …. I am just an ember of the person I formally was before this (I can’t even say relationship now as I have no idea what it was to him) started. Complicated by ill health and other issues… Obviously I’m empath, hoovered (never heard of that term before) dozens of times because I believed he was damaged and needed love…. I remember seeing a quote a picture of a blindfolded girl dancing with the Devil “Trust me, she knew who she was dancing with the entire time. She just chose to see the good in everybody. I personally don’t think she should change that about herself. It’s possible her energy could even bring the best in the devil” I believed that and love was the answer … Weirdly as I was looking for the accurate quote … I found a quote to paraphrase “If you dance with Devil to long, you don’t change the Devil, the Devil changes you”… I truly don’t think either of you are Devils just opposite natures and closet analogy it has however left questioning if I was also a Nararcisst … You kindly answered that question… They say knowledge is power …. Hopefully I will of gained strength for when the inevitable hoover trys to occur and I no longer feel the love, empathy, sympathy and forgiveness I have usually shown as it is neither appreciated or reciprocated…. With a lump in my throat, weakened and fragile beyond my belief … I do thank you in a very defeated way …. x x

  21. No. That’s self projection. The N imagines this power. Once a survivor educates themselves about what the N is really about,; it’s laughable. You have to roll your eyes and say “Opps! Brain fart.” That’s the illusion they are to themselves. Empathy see them of a bad example of a human being. Empaths are intelligent caring people and are perfectly capable of leaving them in the past.The hard part about moving on without them is we understand that they have the ability to be a good person; they choose not to. The N’s abuse, any abuse leaves an impression. To me it is like witnessing a bad accident on the highway. You become still and think seriously about life. That experience lingers a while. Hopefully you see that life is to serious, fun, and beautiful to dwell on the person that won’t choose to use his god given choice to do better in this life. Life is not an illusion. Don’t live in someone else’s delusion. This is how I feel as a survivor. Witnessing an accident can make you think more about safety and the future. Take time to yourself and think. All madness passes with time. Care about yourself, and now that you have seen the lowest of low you will appreciate each moment of happiness more and more everyday. The N’s fades just like how you feel differently 6 months after you saw that accident. You live and you learn.

  22. I do not think that the last sentence is true. My love is never unconditional. Once I am betrayed the love and/or friendship goes with a wind. I feel that this applies to many of the empathic victims and I am not alone in that opinion. I would need to be completely crazy to love a bustard?

      1. Sure, you are also right HG Tudor. We are both right. True berries are simple fruits stemming from one flower with one ovary and typically have several seeds. Tomatoes fall into this group, as do pomegranates, kiwis and—believe it or not—bananas!

  23. I thank you for this HG, its given me the final push, the “fuel” I need to stop looking back at the Greater Narc who tried to ruin my life. I often told him during the various dramas & crises he caused that I never knew who he was, that he was two-faced, three faced! He would always react to this, empathatically deny and try to convince me that he was only “real” with me, that “real” him was what he was with me.
    I knew in my heart that it was not true.
    2 years after the final break up & after months of no contact, burning photos, “cleansing” my mind & body, I am also seeing him in the light that he was/is – a Santa Claus, a Tooth Fairy, a fictional character that I believed in as a “kid” but now that I am older & wiser, I know never existed!!
    I will take the lessons but he can keep the false memories.

    1. Ah! The “cleansing”. I know the feeling well. Epsom salts, lavender, smudging, praying…trying desperately to “wash” him out of my existence. I did nothing wrong, yet I felt as if my skin was crawling. I needed to disinfect. Such a strange compulsion.

  24. I wonder if this is true for that person of which you write. For myself, just the thought of my narcissist ex repulses me. His touch would be disgusting to me.

    1. Indeed. No matter my emotions, he will never put his filthy hands on me… not ever. The flood of visuals would be unbearable and yes, repulsive. THAT us my impassable barrier. How sad.

  25. I take a puppet, for example a dragon , put some needles in it, turn the head of the puppet and then burn it. I do some magical thinking and the puppet is out of my mind. It is burnt down to dust.
    No, I do not stay in love with an illusion. Yes, I always will remember the good times. They are the past. I have had better men before, although he still thinks, he is the “one.” I should have gone at that moment, when he showed his dark site the second time. Everybody earns a second chance, but only a second one. I am not keen on Trauma bonding. I stayed too long because I had a shock and could not believe what happened to me. When I realized it, I got out of his hell. And it is his hell. Not mine. He never should try to come back into my six spheres. He was just a mix of different people, a babbling in thousand pieces splitted sprinkling creature. a slave of its own. He does not have the chance to develop like you have, H.G. Tudor. He has no chance.

  26. Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.
    Martin Luther King

  27. So true. So sick. So Evil. Your mirroring, your stealing of those things so important to me and make them appear to be your own. It was not an illusion I fell in love with HG, it was me I fell in love with. It was me, reflected back through the mirror , the flat, cold mirror that is you…your kind. I am everything you lack, everything you want to be but never will be. And so you destroy, rape, malign, and betray because of your malignant jealousy. The thing is HG, we give what we have willingly and full force. You can have it. All you have to do is reach out your hand.

      1. Do I still love him? Does it even matter? I want him gone…from my head…from my memory. Thank you Ava. I have found my light again. The tears are much less frequent. The most difficult part of all of this is knowing I can’t light his dark. I could never go back. The road has been too long and treacherous and I am past the point of no return. The hurt is still there. I pray I left a tiny spark along the way. That at some point in time he will find it, pick it up, and allow it to grow…to pierce his darkness…but he must do this alone. But, as HG has said, “They ate never alone”. Hopeless, heartless.

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