Oh No, Not I!

oh-no

 

It is fundamental that we remain unaccountable for our actions. Not only is it the case that we believe we are entitled to complete immunity for what we say and do, occasioned by our innate superiority, we also believe it to be necessary for us to be able to gather fuel as often and as effectively as we do. If we were slowed down by having to make meaningful apologies, explain ourselves, account for what we have done and accept responsibility for the consequences this would absorb time that would be far better spent in the pursuit of fuel. Hampering us in such a way would result in us becoming weaker since we would not be able to gather as much fuel as usual. It is therefore necessary, so we remain sleek, effective and light of foot, for us to never be concerned about accountability and also to never allow responsibility to rest with us. As with many of our machinations, this approach also allows us to gather fuel in itself by the imposition of blame on others, usually you and the astonished and outraged emotional response which then flows from this staggering act of walking away scot free. As ever, words are our best allies when it comes to throwing off the attempt to make us assume the mantle of responsibility. Here are five of our favourites.

  1. What do you expect me to do about it?

 

I regularly brag about how brilliant and special I am. That I have many talents and if I so chose I could remedy many situations within moments, but notwithstanding this being the stance that I adopt to the world at large, I am not going to do that with you. Not a chance. I am not here to pick up the pieces after you, although I expect you to do so for me repeatedly. I can do as I like and you are obliged to make good the damage that I cause – collect the broken pieces of crockery, apologise to the shell-shocked friend after an outburst, try to solve the financial headache that we have left. If you have caused a problem, and let’s face it, it is always your fault anyway, you cannot expect me to do something about it. I am above such menial tasks. I have important and bigger things to attend to. Such as? I don’t have to explain myself to the likes of you. If I caused the problem (which in reality is usually the case) I am not going to do anything about it.

  1. Deal with it.

That’s the way it is and you had better get used to it. This haughty declaration is par the course for our sense of entitlement to do as we please. We bulldoze through everything and you just have to put up with it. You can’t walk away; we will not allow that to happen. Issuing this barked instruction at you is an effective way of upsetting you. It is telling you that you are useless and you should just be getting on with the situation rather than complaining about it. You shouldn’t be complaining; you should have already guessed that you needed to sort the situation out. Don’t ask me for help because I just do not have time for this mickey mouse nonsense.

  1. You caused this to happen.

We like to maintain that we act with the omnipotence of a god but how many times have you found that you have somehow caused something to happen so that it would suggest that you exercise the powers of a deity? My late arrival was down to you. My failure to remember something was caused by you. My infidelity for the sixth time was wholly as a consequence of what you have done. At its most brutal this declaration is issued without any explanation as to why it is that you caused the problem to arise. We say that it is the case therefore that must be right. Does this exchange seem familiar?

“Why is that the case?”

“It just is.”

“But why?”

“Because I say so.”

Other than our kind, who comes out with such assertions bereft of reality or explanation? That’s right, children. That tells you all you need to know about our mentality when we accuse you of being the one who has caused the problem. If you are “fortunate” enough to be given some kind of explanation it makes perfect sense when viewed from our perspective, although it will not from yours. That is deliberate. We want you to feel astonished, bewildered and annoyed at our sheer audacity to make the connection between our wrongdoing and your causation.

“If you were more loving I wouldn’t go elsewhere.”

“What do you mean by that? I couldn’t be anymore loving towards you.”

“Oh that’s right, deny it is anything to do with you and make me out to be the bad person.”

“Well, it is you who had the affair.”

“Caused by you.”

“How?”

“I have already told you and if you cannot accept that then there is no point continuing with this conversation.”

You get no answer no acceptance of blame. All you get is a tenuous (in your world but not ours) explanation as to why our wrongdoing is all down to you.

  1. Why do you have to spoil everything?

A cousin of the third shirking above but with an added layer of blame. In the above example, you have caused the problem although you may not necessarily have intended it. With this statement we are telling you that not only is the problem not of our doing, it is your fault and guess what? You meant to do it because you are such an awful and horrible person. Our rampant paranoia causes us to believe that you are out to get us, to topple us and that you are plotting to unseat us as a consequence of our behaviour towards you during devaluation. This is why whenever anything goes wrong you are the architect of that misfortune as you have purposefully set out to cause a problem for us, driven by your innate nastiness and jealousy.

  1. Why do you make my life so hard?

Poor us. Put upon by you and your terrible behaviours. This is often thrown at you when you begin to wise-up to our manipulations and either through choice or out of sheer exhaustion you are no longer engaging with our provocations and machinations. What we are actually saying to you here is, “Why do you make it so hard to extract fuel from you?” Your failure to play ball and do what we want is causing us to expend more energy in order to get the negative fuel from you and in accordance with our outlook as a victim, you are doing this on purpose. We need to get that fuel and you should be helping us, not hindering us, no wonder we lash out at you as we do because you are horrible and you make our lives far more difficult and hard than you should or once did.

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22 thoughts on “Oh No, Not I!”

  1. He started to visit me whenever he chooses, standing me up when i expected him, and showing up when i didn’t expect him, so i tried to reason with him first. It didn’t work, so i went gray rock, not knowing this is a technique. I showed no emotion but remained polite and cordial. His response: “please be normal with me”, “you ruined everything.” I did not know he was a narc then, and couldn’t understand why i was the one who ruined everything.

      1. PTSD, Yes…very annoying and inconvenient. Then, he went to my neighbor’s house, behind my back, [with his little Yorkshire Terrier in his arms],to tell them he was “a good guy” despite the commotion the night before from him physically attacking me. I just happen to find out from my neighbors that he went to them on His own behalf… they told me that they said to him, “We don’t even know who you are, but we do know “…”, and she is a sweetheart. Now, get off our property!”

  2. These bullets could be a conversation!
    Person 1: what do you expect me to do about it?
    Person 2: deal with it!
    Person 1: but you caused this to happen!
    Person 2: you spoil everything don’t you!
    Person 1: why do you make everything so hard?

    Because….I am an empath!!!!! Now, get to work and talk to the hand!

  3. Hi
    I would like to know your opinion if my ex was a narcissist.
    I was with him 5 months, he put me on a pedal stool, found out he had split from his ex a week before, he cheated on his 2nd wife and his First wife got supervised visits for his children of which he thought he was too good for.
    He came out the army after 25 years in October, we split end of October.
    He asked me to change my humour and when I drank alcohol a couple of times he said I acted like a man and didn’t deserve to go to his army leaving do. He said it was an honour and I didn’t deserve it. He booked me a trip to Venice for my 50th then said he wasn’t up to going. So I just booked a last minute hols with my son. A couple of times he raged and said I was the only person that made him shout. He also cried a couple of times. I just thought it was because he was coming out the army. I tried to back off and he begged to speak to me so I did. I then found out he had started contacting someone. He blocked me and told me not to harass him and his new lady, I only messaged and asked her the truth. He blocked me, I spoke to his ex and she told me he asked her back whilst I was with him. He is now engaged to the new one after 8 weeks. He kept saying to me “just remember when you ruined it and that’s why I’m not the same”
    I am having councelling and struggling to get him out of my head what are your thoughts?

  4. The dismissive “Deal. With. It.” I know it well.
    Thankfully I don’t hear that nearly as much. Gives quite the trigger though.

    1. I heard the same Clarece.
      When I read your comment I could my ex saying it.
      Catching up on some of the articles and I know I saw on one that it’s your daughters birthday. Hope you are both enjoying it and your time together. I take mine back to college tomorrow.

      1. Thank you Snow! She’s now a tween.
        Enjoy your day getting yours settled back at school.

  5. Whoahh..HG- right you are in depicting the denial and blame shifting of the narcissist. There are a number of inconsistencies with this that is consistently predictable of your kind.

    Your article about the Senses’, where you described the perfection of another that provided you with the crisp clean sheets, the cakes, the meals prepared, the treating you like a king. In this Golden period you describe, you also treat your partner, well (will refrain from objectifying them to IP & other terminology, they are simply your girlfriend, 1st choice and your substitute, or second otherwise known through slang terms, as the bit on the side- mistress etc, none of which are very nice at best terms). Two women, two individual women – one for a more permanant status and one as a backup both that have feelings, both that are probably very nice people or you would not bother to put in the effort, as you source out empaths, remember).

    My question: Why do you men have it perfect and want to bring unpleasantness and tests to challenge harmony?

    May I offer some thoughts I have on this- Okay, some men are raised to believe that men will be men, don’t question them and if we may perceive they are having that (bit on the side) they are just men being men, turn a blind eye. Some families accept this and some are not to fussed about it, perhaps it ran in the family, all the men in the family do it, just the way it is. (I offer, in the crudest terms, yeah they eat, roots and leaves- in other words, they are the typical root rat’, the player, the Cassanova. Some enjoy the chase and once they have what they get, become bored with it, some women are like this as well. From my observations, you quite enjoy the fix’ = fuel from the Golden period, don’t we all! The difference is that Golden periods are what you make them, that is why some people are living out many golden periods, throughout lifetime relationships. You know the saying, something like United we Stand and Divided we fall.

    My other point- your kind are not children, yes you sure act like it at times, just because it is does not mean it has to be that way because you sure are not a child, children don’t write like you and have the awareness that you do.

    I am going to say this again and again, as I have written to you and it was my fathers dying words to my N: He strained his voice that had been taken through cancer to utter these words to the N- “You don’t have to be rich to be a successful man.’ My father was comfortable, our home was owned, he retired well and he never took a holiday overseas! He owned everything he had, but what made him a successful man?

    I shall leave that for you to ponder HG, it is never too late 🙂

    Hate me, ignore me makes no difference to me as I know you read my input and no I am not trying to crash your scene just giving some insight, we all do here and if we are going to be collegial to inform the world, we must contribute to a better understanding from all perspectives. Good Day HG 🙂

  6. Well I DO have many talents (or at least I was expected to by my mother, a bigger narcissist than I am), even though I never seem to use any of my talents to help anyone other than myself.

  7. regarding no.5.. If it gets too hard (you use to much energy ) to obtain a negative fuel at some point do You find Yourself to shift suddenly and introduce the respite period to obtain a positive fuel from us instead i.e. tears of relief etc. ?

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