Shut Up!


I think I have said enough. I wish you would think the same. You have never shut up asking me about my day at work as I try to watch the sport on television. On and on you have gone asking question after question. It makes me wonder why you are so bloody interested. Fishing for something are you? Trying to catch me out? You won’t do that. I am cleverer than you. Much cleverer. What I do at work is nothing to do with you and you won’t find out about my plans there until such time as I decide that you should know. And it isn’t time, so I wish you would just be quiet and let me watch this game. You keep on going, talking over my television viewing which tells me that you regard my viewing experience as unimportant and that tells me you obviously think I am not important and you really ought to know by now that I am important. I hate you doing this. I can feel the burning from your selfish and treacherous action and it is paining me, but I know what to do. I know how to stop this pain and believe me I am going to do it and do it now.

You never know when to shut up do you? I suppose you think you are being plessant asking me how my day has been, but you don’t care, you just do it for the sake of appearances, to make you look good, the caring and interested partner. I know your game. I have you worked out, you are a fraud. Yap, yap, yap,like some irritating puppy around my ankles, on and on you go. Just shut up will you? I cannot concentrate with your wasp like buzzing around me.

“How is the new recruit getting on?”

“How is the project developing?”

“Where did you go for that business lunch? Was it good? What did you have to eat? Who was it with?”

Just shut up. No, you are still chattering away. I don’t think you are even waiting for an answer are you? Just asking questions to seem like you are involving me in the conversation when all you are doing is engaging in another of your pointless and egotistical monologues. Do you know how boring you sound? If I wasn’t trying to concentrate on this match I think I would slip into a coma listening to you drone on with your worthless opinions and your anodyne observations.

Just shut up. No? Very well. I will. No, I am not saying anything. I am not even going to nod, shake my head or make an affirmative grunt. Nothing. A total silence.

My goodness me, you have stopped. Perhaps you have remembered that you need to breathe? Ah, excellent you have noticed that I no longer appear to be listening. Believe me, I am listening and I am doing so with considerable attentiveness, because I need to listen to what is coming my way. Let me guess, I think you will lead with “are you listening to me?” any second now and yes, there it is as predicted. I am not going to answer. Go on, repeat the question and true to form you do so. Now I have your attention haven’t I? I can see you from the corner of my eye as I stare at the screen pretending that the figures running around with the ball are more interesting than you. They are not because what you are starting to do is what I am interested in. I can see you leaning forward, trying to catch my eye. I know you are there but I am not going to acknowledge you. Sometimes you throw something towards me to get my attention, usually a cushion. It is not a nasty action,not like when I throw things at you. That reminds me, I must replace that coffee mug which I hurled at you. You were light on your toes that day as it sailed past and smashed against the wall. Anyway, that was last week and this is now and I can hear you asking the question a third time. Will it be the cushion? No, you have chosen to stand up instead. Gosh, you must be looking to assert some authority from the get go. 

“I am talking to you.”

I know that you are but I am not answering you but already I can hear the mounting irritation in your voice and already I can feel the flames rising inside of me as they burn away the cold, harsh iciness of your criticism. That pain is already receding. 

“Will you answer me please?”

No I will not. I have to turn my head so you do not see my smirk at your attempt to be commanding. It amuses me. I can see your hands move to your hips and I half expect you to stamp the ground with your foot. 

“What’s the matter? Why won’t you answer me?”

The voice rises higher, signalling your anxiety and frustration and the flames continue to build inside of me. I maintain the stony faced expression, ink black eyes staring at the screen. I can see the movement on the television but it as if I am watching it from very far away as all that I am concentrating on now is your voice and the continuing delicious flaming sensation that is sweeping across me.

“Why are you not answering me?”

The questions have altered now haven’t they? A switch from your nosiness about my work to you now asking why I have fallen silent. You can keep asking and I know you will. You will go on for some time. You will storm out of the room trying to force a response from me, but your slammed door just keeps the flames burning. You will come back in. you always do. You will return contrite and apologising although you won’t know what you are trying to apologise for. Still, that won’t stop you going through a carousel of reasons in the hope of breaking my silence.

“Did I upset you?”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Did I not listen to you?”

“Did I say something offensive?”

“Please, what did I do wrong?”

“Please will you just talk to me?”

“I hate this. I hate falling out. What is that I have done?”

Every time you ask these questions, the pain and concern in your voice keeps adding to the sense of power that I am feeling. The wound you created has long since closed and now I am savouring the growing power that courses through me. You have no idea what you are doing as you try, as you always do, to make things right. I will stay seated here, not even looking at you. You won’t try and stand in front of me whilst I am watching the television. You will not dare do that or switch it off. You remember what happened last time when you did that don’t you and I know you won’t be in a hurry to experience that again. I can sit and revel in my power over you and you just keep adding to it with your pitiful and plaintive questions. You will try to find out what is wrong, you will blame yourself next and start to apologise as you scramble to guess what it is that you have done wrong in the hope that you stumble on the right subject matter and make things rights. But you will fail. Then you move on to trying to bribe me into speaking to you, suggesting we go out, or my friends come round for drinks tomorrow night or that you will cook me something special. Keep at it, I won’t respond. I will not even look at you. You are completely invisible to me as far as you are concerned.

     I wonder how long I will maintain this silence with you? You haven’t worked out what to do yet, I am pleased to say. You keep on asking, pestering and questioning, driven by your own anxiety that causes you to want to ascertain what has happened and make things right. This means you might break off for half an hour but then you resume, trying a different tack. If all you knew you had to so was do exactly what I am doing and it would stop. Go silent and get on with what you want to do and I will start speaking to you and acknowledging you once again as I consider a different manipulation to use against you to gather my precious fuel. Fortunately, your empathic nature which means you want to understand and you want to fix and heal, will make you hang in there and all the while you provide me with fuel and power me. So long as you do so, so long the silence will continue.

44 thoughts on “Shut Up!

  1. Bette says:

    Wow, been there, done that. Very illuminating. In retrospect,
    what a colossal waste of time.

  2. PinkSour PatchKid says:

    Okay Love =)

  3. PinkSour PatchKid says:

    HG I feel as if you’re giving me the silent treatment lol! My comment has been waiting for moderation for roughly two days =( I would like your input !

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello PSPK, I receive hundreds of comments each day and they can remain in moderation for some time. It will be addressed.

  4. dinahsoar says:

    Have you been spying on me? You spelled it out perfectly. This scenario was played out in my home. Then I wised up. I realize the only thing a narc understands is a taste of nard’s own medicine. Narc won’t answer me/I pretend I didn’t hear the narc and do not respond. Narc ignores me/ I ignore the narc. Me mirroring the narc is what works.

  5. MsSevyn says:

    My favorite response when I asked anything he felt was stepping over the line, “I don’t answer to you”. So, I used the same response when he got around to asking me a question, then he got the same silent treatment. For some reason, reading that N’s hate all people makes me feel better. Do they hate their children too?

  6. My ex doesn’t like it when i ask too many questions either. It puts him in a vulnerable spot.

  7. Empath23 says:

    “Perhaps you have remembered that you need to breathe.” That made me laugh.
    I have a few people in my life that need to remember they need to breathe. 😂 😂

  8. jarwithaheavylid says:

    It always cheers me to know their marriage is fucked. I just hope that she knows it.

  9. KT says:

    If you have a woman’s total dedication and 100% control over her, do you still devalue and discard?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on whether her positive fuel fails to satisfy our needs. That is the key determinant of causing devaluation, not the extent of dedication or control (although those factors do influence the potency and quantity of the fuel provided).

  10. divined1va says:

    But isn’t that what you ultimately want? Her undying attention? For her to be totally fixated on you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So long as fuel is being provided.

  11. Ollie says:

    Oh men, this was me. Both N’s always seemed so annoyed when I asked about their day, what they had for lunch, their this or their that. Just ma asking innocent questions and being polite and interested… The one would just tell me what’s with all the questions all rhe time and cut it out, the other would say: you’re not really interested in me, you just want to know things, you know-it-all.
    Their behaviour never made me question myself though or ‘beg’ for answers, it just made me lose respect for them because I thought they were just so rude for saying that or acting like such jerks.

    1. Brian says:

      “you’re not really interested in me, you just want to know things”
      That was projection 😀

      1. Ollie says:

        Yeah, you’re right. There was plenty more where that came from as: you’re a liar, you only care about money, who wants to be independent anyways, you don’t care about me, etc, etc… zzzzz, are you asleep yet? 😉

        1. Brian says:

          Yeah, anything untrue is projection.
          That rule seems to always work

  12. Interesting read. I wonder if I have done this, and if at times my husband feels the same as you.

  13. Brandie says:

    Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others .

  14. bananasareberries1 says:

    Do you hate women as general HG? Are you disgusted by females? This is what male narc are according to research. So tell us about how you despise females. We are just such a yada yada machines with vaginas. I do not mind to hear it. It would be a very controversial topic as majority of your readers are women. Ha, will you write about it, will you? I am looking forward to your reaction to my comment, your faithful BAB1.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is not straightforward. I am heterosexual and whilst I have many male appliances, none of them are of an intimate variety. Accordingly, I engage with women both in an non-intimate and intimate way and accordingly that would suggest that I do not hate women because of such engagement. However, I hate the fact that I am beholden to appliances for their fuel and given that I am beholden to both male and female appliances, that would suggest I must, by extension hate both men and women. Moreover, since I am only intimate with women and they form my primary sources, it would suggest that I hate women more often than I hate men. I of course hate MatriNarc (albeit I avoid exhibiting this to her so as to deprive her of fuel) and I know that it has been suggested that I replicate my hatred for her against all the women that I interact with as a consequence of the way I behave towards them. Of course, not all females I interact with are dealt with through devaluation. Many remain in elongated golden periods where I am pleasant and charming to them, albeit that is an artifice designed to give me what I want, chiefly fuel but also traits and residual benefits.
      I think ultimately one might suggest that I am not prejudiced because I sub-consciously hate everybody, but whether this hatred manifests at all and if it does to what extent, varies. Thus I may not appear to hate you.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Wasn’t that just a really protracted yes?

      2. Love says:

        NarcAngel, in the words of the great R Kelly: 🎶
        “My mind’s telling me no
        But my body, my body’s telling me yes” 🎶

        1. NarcAngel says:


          Yes but R Kelly shouldnt listen to his body when its telling him to engage in ‘watersports’ with minors.

      3. Love says:

        Lol so true! 😂

    2. ava101 says:

      My ex-narc old me straight to my face that he hates women and that they were inferior, and that there was only true friendship amongs men. He also hates homo-sexuals. So, my guess is, it has a lot do to with intimacy-phobia.
      I wondered how the male narc really perceives the female body … probably not favourable at all ???

      1. bananasareberries1 says:

        HG states that he hates everyone equally but research shows strongly male narcs are mysognists. I guess especially if mother was the abuser in childhood

      2. Love says:

        One of my narcs would ask me which one of us had a better body. I don’t think he understood human anatomy – and the difference between the male and female body. Hm he probably thought he won because I don’t have a pen!s.

        1. NarcAngel says:


          Oh but you do lol. And sometimes its bigger and harder than theirs. Sometimes they need to be reminded.

      3. ava101 says:

        Yes, I guess they are mysognists. My father had four daughters and he never got tired of telling us how much he’d wanted a boy. My nephew inherited all my father’s toys (model trains, etc.). And he had always complained how cold my grandmother had been when he was a boy.

  15. Kb says:

    I love this. Feel foolish I will not lie. I have done this. Begging for reason. I will admit it hasn’t been that long ago. Reading this has clarified so many moments. I am grateful for your honesty. Truly

  16. Matilda says:

    Oh yes, men and sports… football in particular… a bunch of sweaty guys chasing after a ball for 90 minutes… to each their own, I guess!

    I would know better than to interrupt this semi-religious event… and make myself useful, providing a hot meal and a beverage of his choice… if I was in a very cheerful mood … and if I had a second TV set to escape to! 😀

    Come on, HG, if it is the first time that she is interrupting a game, you could at least give her a warning. Remember to play fair, like the chaps on the pitch! 🙂

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      Lol, Matilda. You are talking to HG. He gives nipple twists, not fair warning

      1. Matilda says:

        Well, such ungentlemanly conduct would be dealt with immediately and appropriately 😀 … oddly enough, the mean ones who are happy to inflict pain on others are most sensitive when it comes to their own sufferings!

    2. NarcAngel says:


      The rules are simple:
      We are never to speak when sweat and balls are involved. Unless of course its their balls, in which case we are to wax poetic about their flawless orbs and how they please us. Surely that is not too much to ask?

      1. Matilda says:

        I grew up with football enthusiasts, NarcAngel… European Championship, World Cup, Champion’s League… a never-ending stream of matches… wild gesticulations in front of the TV, screaming at the screen as if their lives depended on it, as if it changed anything! 😀 Sometimes, I think it might be interesting to see a live match in a stadium, just for the behaviour patterns and reactions… grown men, unleashed, and gripped with raw passion they would hardly show elsewhere 😀

        As to the second part of your comment, we shall not go there… 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for calling it football and not soccer.

      2. Matilda says:

        You’re welcome. Yes, the term is utterly despised on the island you hail from. 🙂

      3. Love says:

        Funny the name soccer originated from Oxford. Y’all came up with it and passed it on to America. The rest of the world calls it football. GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!

  17. PinkSour PatchKid says:

    You know what’s funny, my Narc would attempt to “silent treatment” me but I wouldn’t care and we’d go weeks without talking. He’d sing to me in emails I’d still ignore him. Even when he disappeared for a month after I broke up with him when I was pregnant I didn’t. He got to the point where he would do mostly whatever I wanted bc “he didn’t wanna fight with me” or “he wasn’t trying to hear my mouth” lol I guess my wrath was stronger than his want for fuel Ha! Score 1 for the empath lol!

    1. Elizabeth Finch says:

      OMG That’s me to the T! I can’t stand the narc so I could care less if he never speaks to me. The silent treatment is a vacation for me!! The last few time went on for weeks. He rarely tried it anymore.

  18. This is extremely fascinating. I’ve become obsessed on what goes through the Narcs mind while distributing these tactics since recently dealing with one. your site by far is a wellspring of information. I just had to make an account and comment

  19. Love says:

    Oh Mr. Tudor.
    Did you hurl the coffee mug at her in a fit of rage or to receive more fuel?
    If it was to obtain fuel, then you’re working too hard. Don’t have to go around destroying your own dishware.

  20. Brian says:

    This would make a good movie

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