Where Has He Gone?

where-has

 

The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late. It would be more accurate to describe it as a series of peaks and troughs. The devaluation began and the unpleasant behaviour has worsened. There have been peaks when we granted you respite from the denigration and abuse, the brief reinstatement of the golden period, before you were plunged once again into another trough of bewildering and upsetting treatment. Each descent seemed steeper and harsher than the preceding one. You hung in there, clinging on to the prospect of another glimpse of the golden period. Perhaps this time you would be able to hold onto it? After all, you must be doing something correctly mustn’t you if you can get the golden period to return? If only you could work out what was necessary to cause it to return and then for it to remain, then everything would be wonderful again. It is this eternal hope, which we rely on and that we stoke, which causes you to hold on even whilst you are being spun around, pushed and pulled and driven to despair.

This tumultuous period has persisted and then suddenly we have gone. We did not return when you expected us. The repeated telephone calls you have made have resulted in a ringtone but nobody answers. You have left repeated voicemail messages and you have sent numerous text messages, each with mounting desperation, begging and pleading for us to get in touch. You have called friends who have not been unable to assist in locating us. You even called the local police and hospital to ascertain if we had been arrested or we were being treated following a fall or a road accident, but those enquiries have drawn a blank as well. You have checked our online presence and there is nothing that shows any activity there since we disappeared. Messages do not even show as read. There is no indicator of us being online for over twenty hours now. It is as if we have vanished from the face of the earth.

People may regard this as the discard. This moment when we just cease all contact with you and disappear. It certainly feels like you have been discarded. As the hours turn into days and you still have heard nothing, you feel like we have just gone elsewhere without caring about telling you, providing you with some kind of explanation or even being concerned about the effect this disappearing act has had on you. Although this sudden cessation by our kind has gained popular description as the discard, a more accurate way of describing it would be to call it the pause.

This is because although we have vanished and we give the appearance of having ended the relationship, in our minds it has not ended. I have mentioned before that from the moment you are engaged by us, you have accepted an unwritten contract that you will be bound to us, in some way, until one of us dies. The nature of this binding, this connection will vary dependent on the various stages of the relationship. During seduction we will have many tendrils wrapped around you as we bind you tight to us and this continues during the golden period. The tendrils will unravel and then tighten again during the devaluation stage and then nearly all will release you when the “discard” occurs. You may not see us, you may not hear from us, you may have no contact at all with us, but in our mind there still remains some tendrils between us. A handful may still remain for the purpose of gathering fuel. Even though we cannot see your desperation and your despair, we know that this is what you will be experiencing and this provides us with fuel. Accordingly, there remains an intangible connection between us still. Even when those fuel tendrils loosen, it remains the case that there will be at least one left which will remain for however long is necessary before more tendrils come looking for you again as we unpause the hiatus and hoover you.

Accordingly, it may appear that we have discarded you but that is not actually the case. We have pressed pause so that we can halt that relationship. At some point we will return and press play again. You may have moved on in terms of your life, trying to heal and to piece things together again. We regard the relationship just as it was before we disappeared. That is why we often behave like nothing has happened. When we do re-appear we display an astonishing tendency to carry on as normal, as if the hiatus of months, maybe even years, did not actual happen. This is because from our perspective there has been no hiatus. We paused our dealings with you and now they can continue. Whatever else has gone on in between is irrelevant and does not need to be discussed. This capacity to behave in such a manner leaves you bewildered and amazed but this is entirely how we regard matters when we do such a disappearing act. All we have done is press pause and you are expected to be ready and waiting for when we come back and press play again.

So where do we go when this happens? The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them against the continuing negative fuel from you. We enjoy receiving both but then the decision is made that the positive is going to be in copious amounts and therefore we switch to wanting this all the time and you are forgotten about, although not forever.

When this pause happens we will be concentrating on the new primary source of fuel that we have selected. The seduction had already begun. This is now the golden period for us and her. Just like the one you had. For this to continue the binding and the fuel provision all our efforts must be concentrated on her and not you. All resources are shifted to this front and you are forgotten about. It seems as if you never existed but we have not pressed stop. You do not get away that easily. We pressed pause so that you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.

Do not despair however. We will be back to press play again. When might that be? You will be given no clue but the temptation of fresh hoover fuel will mean that pause becomes play, although it is more likely to feel like rewind to you as it all starts again.

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82 thoughts on “Where Has He Gone?”

  1. “The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late.” !!!!
    Could you fit in a couple more filler words, perhaps?

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    1. If you do so post discard then we do not care as we are focused on the new primary source. It will impact on us when we try to hoover at a later stage (once devaluation of the new primary source has commenced).

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    1. It depends when you do this. If you do it during devaluation and tell us or don’t tell us, see the articles What No Contact Feels Like Parts 1-3. If you do it post discard, we are focused on the new primary source so not interested until we come to hoover you at a later stage and if you have moved on we regard your resistance as criticism which will wound. Dependent on the type of narcissist this may prevent a hoover happening/reduce the likelihood of further hoovers. With others the scenario may be as per Derailed if you have moved on with somebody else.

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  2. HG what does it mean when narc is sayjng: ‘i have never deserved you’. Wow I said back to him ‘that is an absolute truth, you never did’. I know this is manipulation but why narc says that when he loses control over the victim. That what happened to me and after I confronted him about his wrongdoings behind my back.

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  3. Would this cause an obsession, if they believed you have moved on (yes) and are in a relationship (nope yet they believe this to be why there is no response) ?

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      1. Hi HG 🙂 Could you take a little moment in time, to expand on (it might generate a malice obsession) after my input to give you a little background? I have addressed you on facebook, yeah I have been absent for some time. Go smear HG. Tip: look at your replies to posts.

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  4. How could you explain the return after the sever smear campaign to your family and friends and to your victim (cause that’s what they are) , their family and friends and what makes you sure we now would allow you to re enter our lives whether we are single or not?

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    1. Lots of different ways – the victim has apologised, made changes, admitted they were wrong, sought help, asked for my help, has seen the error of their ways, changed jobs, changed friends etc – basically they have removed whatever we said was the problem and the basis for the smear.

      You allow us because we are entitled to do so based on the permanence of the Narcissistic Relationship.

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  5. SMH so between that this thought and a the child he believes is still alive, do you believe I am on the right track with the why this is happening? He sent someone (I believe was him telling me I should contact him and tell him of the child) my only response to that was why, at this point it would only look to be I was coming in to get between him and his girlfriend.
    Another man in my life and father to “his” child.

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  6. Apparently my blocking him on FB has pushed him back into contacting me and my refusing to engage or argue with him over things that have already been settled has him back to making threats. He knows I know what he is I have told him to his face although he insists he is “not whatever that word is you keep calling me”. 😀 Seriously, HG? This is a permanent relationship? I assume this was another hoover attempt on his part because he felt he was losing control with my block going up?

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  7. Pfft- just recalling the gaslighting and the times that Mr N asked that I go get help, for the anxiety he was causing. I went to the gp reciting his words and demands. “I am here today because my husband wants you to give me some medication to make myself numb to his abuse. He requests that my body should not go into any panic through the physical and psychological abuse and it would please him if you can prescribe me a medication that will at least make it easier for the physical and psychological abuse to be tolerable and withstood as it makes him uncomfortable to see the effects of his nature.”

    She nearly fell off her chair as she repeated back the request. She sent me away with a warning for him. She added, there is not a medication in this world that can soften the blows of a man’s fists or feet into a victim other than those used in trauma under the guidance of professionals in an acute setting, such as emergency medicine.

    The more unrealistic his hub, the more ridiculous it becomes- how to crack a safe is alot different from how to crack a mind. He has failed, miserably.

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    1. Let’s get this can of worms out in the open HG. Who is the catalyst and who is the butterfly? Hot humid conditions vs the heart racing where you can sit back quiet in a chair and anyone with a naked eye can see the simmering rage pounding through your chest. Relaxed people don’t need axillary muscles “)

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      1. You want us to fight for you, we will- stop dividing right now. STOP HG. We have been where you have been and we decided to support you, don’t be a prick! Knowing the narcissist- we do. We know it like the palms of our hands and at the end of the day, you need to own it too! We chose different. WHY CAN’T YOU? Stop it now!

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      2. Grow up now, we had to. Grow up HG. Life is just a moment in time, you have been given more love than anyone I know. Stop making excuses to be a prick to my sisters. Stop it now. Hurt yourself before any fine woman. Take control and grow upward and I don’t mean sexually! GROW UP, you hear me, grow up.

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      3. I am the one person who has crashed all of you philosophies and all of your tuition. Your tutorials, your social media and this is a milestone in my own life. You want to challenge me, have the balls HG. I will dispell every one of your methods, through evidential learning and I am still here!

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    2. So where now HG? I have a man sitting on my outdoor setting, summoning me to stick a knife in his chest! He says, “It’s all over, it’s over.” I said, so you want me to drive a knife into your chest? He says, yeah it’s all over. I said, sign the consent papers ordering me do so. He says, you are too free for me. SO WHAT NOW HG????????????????By God I have earned it!

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      1. He can’t STOP himself, WTF! I feel no empathy. Maybe he is best out of this life so he does not hurt anyone like I have survived? Don’t you dare call him a lessor…he is just like you!

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  8. After learning so much from you and other teachers I have found that narcs have such predictable behavior, the Narcissist has become so boring to me at best. Why is it that way? They all behave the same I can see ten steps ahead of them now. I’ve become so indifferent to such behavior, neutral,they are no longer compatible with me. I can spot them a mile away and they know it now,so much so they have left my life easily ,effortlessly and I wanted to Thank You for that!

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    1. I appreciate HG because he spoke the words from my narcs mouth. I don’t appreciate HG because he spills blood and he hurts flesh and it stings, it cuts, it’s bleeds, it causes emergency doctors to act quickly to save lives.

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      1. HG- it is animalistic! It is painful and it hurts, heaps. It near on kills, it is really violent. I am a free spirit and as such I shall remind you how bad your actions that you speak of in your books are. No to your education, no to your humor, no to your dance moves, no to your pretty face, no to your sex, no to any of it. STOP hurting my sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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      1. There are but nothing special, they eat and poo like the best of us. I think the most known one is Floyd Mayweather. Mostly low key successful people though. We had a prostitution ring in here and it took months to get them busted and ousted, They had rented homes in a few neighborhoods, it was a big sting.
        I live in a smaller home compared to the marital home. But same area. I like it in here.

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  9. Bananas my narc also said that to me, also that I deserved someone better than him. This is a kind of discard i would say as i found that he wanted to buy himself time by saying that and shelve me for a while. I think he also wanted me to beg or plead and be hurt that he doesn’t mind me seeing someone else.

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  10. “The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them……. you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.”

    This sums up my situation to a T……where I am at

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  11. The longest silence i endured frm him was 10 days. He always came back, and i was glad when he did. But i would ask question after question as to why he became silent. He would then apologize.

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      1. After 7 days I messaged him and he was brutal. Now I’m just thanking my lucky stars I never had a child with him (we planned)
        Time will heal me but he will always be a narc who will never understand the benefits of having a heart.

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      2. Daydreamer, i’m sorry your text was not met with kindness frm him. And it’s a relief you did not have a child with him. Children are entitled to love frm both parents. Stay strong and read here often. It is very healing and therapeutic. Sending you a warm hug!

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      3. It’s just the wasted years of investment. All the times I cried and said I would leave him. But forgave him because I thought we had something

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      4. Daydreamer, i used to think of it as wasted yrs too. I don’t think that way anymore. Now i feel thankful to have feelings such as happiness, sadness, embarassment, fear, empathy, love, which some pple like narcs don’t have. It really is a blessing to have these emotions and without my ex in my life, i would not have been so appreciative of being able to ‘feel.’ Sending you a warm hug. Try to stay strong. 💗

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  12. HG, it occurred to me the other day having read a lot of comments from the lovely people who follow your site, whether it is in fact possible for an N to feel love. I hadn’t thought it possible before, but it reminded me of a situation with my MN.

    So one of his women post me. Was also an N (a lesser), he is a mid – greater. She has always had a cycle with men and even told me how she prefers and choses those who are less ascetically pleasing and weaker, because this means she essentially calls the shots. The MN fits this first criteria and on the latter, allows people to think this.

    He (as expected) completely screwed her over and she was devastated. but quickly got a replacement who definitely fits with her criteria. but is always trying to win back the MN.

    As we know all Ns and borderlines whatever level are incredibly seductive. And as you describe in a recent article it doesn’t usually work out between them. I wondered though if it is actually possible (at least for the lesser / mids) to feel love. But because they don’t want to feel this pain, they only opt for people they’re not massively attracted to, so they don’t actually get hurt by them ?

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  13. I don’t get what’s wrong with me. One day im feeling strong, the next im saying to myself i know all this but still want him back and constantly wondering when he will reach out so we can have one of our talks that we bith always felt stronger from and renewed. Why am i trying to say in my heart i get it, but now i know better and can manage this? I want to be the one that ignores bad behavior and punishes his bizzar-o crap with silence till he’s begging me to stop, and treating me right for fear of losing me. How? He wanted his marriage to end before, and do the right thing, how long am i going to be punished for outing him for not and cycling me through his hoovers?

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  14. I didn’t know where to post this so decided here would be fine .

    Two years NC & yesterday I found out that my exes best friend has been making some enquirys about me .To top it off I now realise that he followed me around a supermarket a few weeks ago .

    So much for progress ..

    It’s looking like I might be back on his radar ..
    Narcs just won’t go away will they !

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      1. I appreciate your words of warning HG, thank you .

        The thing about it is his friend wanted me to know he was following me , because he was whistling the whistling song from Kill Bill so loudly I couldn’t fail to hear it and turn around .How Bizarre that the song was originally written as the sound track for The twisted psychopath !! *..
        Probably a coincidence because he’s a fruit loop too . .
        I’m glad he hasn’t got the confidence that at least shows I have some control over him ,but I’m asking myself what next .

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  15. NSS I am sorry to hear that, sometimes it’s better not knowing due to easier to ignore and going about your life.
    I hope your weekend is wonderful and stress free.

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    1. Don’t react. If you know he is following you in that instant either drive to a police station of to a friend’s house. In the latter instance, if he is hanging around outside have your friend film him. In the former explain you are being followed and who by so there is a record. In both instances you are building a platform in case you need to escalate the matter and also it may cause him to think twice about continuing his following since you have let him know you know, without giving fuel.

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      1. Thanks for you’re message PTSD . I’m absolutely fine about it .
        At least my guards up again though I could do without it .
        How’s things with you ? x

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      2. NSS, my ex and i are slowly growing more and more distant, which is a good thing i suppose. Indy helped me with that. I don’t text him anymore. He texts me though, and if i don’t have time to reply, i tell him i have to go. It’s not like b4 when i would literally have my phone in my hand waiting for his reply. But since im borderline that can change anytime 😆😀

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      3. Yes it is a good thing PTSD . We might not realise it at the time though . Done the phone in hand 24/7 it’s awful isn’t it . Time heals PTSD. You’re doing great ! xx

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  16. NSS please don’t think I am down playing what is happening to you, I am dealing with my own following etc, HG has been wonderful helping with this issue. I really am sorry, when I didn’t know it was easier for me to ignore him, Not watching over my shoulder wondering when or where he may appear again, even thou I suspected he was in the shadows, Always having my guard up.
    Many positive thoughts for you today. Two years is amazing!

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      1. Thats awesome NSS! Honestly not good, dealing with my ex and then they put one in my store that if he touches me one more time I may be tempted to break his hand. I am not violent but I dont like to be touched uninvited.
        I had a run in with him about a year ago and then he came to work for the company I work for and requested to be transfered to my store. Sooooo life is a challege at the moment.
        Sorry I didnt mean to just ramble.

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      2. Don’t be sorry Twighlight, ever.
        I’m sorry you’re having a rough time at the moment. If he’s touching you can you report it ?
        Narc broke his hand after I managed to avoid a punch heading in my direction, he was in a lot of pain .. Not that I’m giving you ideas of course, just make sure it’s an accident 🙂 🙂 x

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      3. Lol NSS, thank you and yes they know.
        I am sorry but I did giggle at that he deserved to have broken his hand for attempting to hit you.

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  17. Even after all I’ve learned from you in regard to hoovering, it’s still mind-boggling to me to think that he would show up at some point. This weekend coming up will be 11 months since being discarded, and it’s really hard to imagine that he would try coming back after so long. I get that he can, and possibly will, but it feels to me as if he’ll never come back. It doesn’t feel like a pause, it feels like the end, which I really hope it is.

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