Exposure : Escape


Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

How No Contact Feels – Part Three

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.

22 thoughts on “Exposure : Escape

  1. Hurt says:

    HG why can’t I find the article re Exposure following discard? Can you send me the link please? Ive looked here over and over

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You cannot find it because I haven’t written it yet.

      1. Hurt says:

        Ok. Thanx for the feedback. Can’t wait

  2. fattypetters says:

    HG… question if I may ?
    Why am I obsessing through social media of my narc after I am the one who escaped him ? And what are the methods in me stopping this ? It’s driving me crazy and makes no sense tbh !

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello FP, see the article Always Watching.

  3. Samurai says:

    Hi HG no doubt you’re dealing with a backlog, but do you have an answer to my question about leaving my group of friends/meetup group? I have read a lot of your relevant books but could really do with your expertise on this one. I have it in mind it may be better to do so to maintain proper no contact, and to be safe. I’d say he is a mid ranger, if he is indeed a narc, I can never be completely sure. He is so far keeping any source of primary a secret, I don’t think he’d risk another disaster relationship locally. So should I leave or stay, or is it a matter of indifference to him in terms of supply? I’m well aware he couldn’t care less about me. He has though, won all the friends. I’m heartbroken and isolated right now because of this. What’s my best revenge here within the bounds of safety?

  4. Samurai says:

    I should add that I’ve confronted him (well, in a text) with the knowledge that he engages in casual relationships and that he is a liar. I gave the example of the elderly woman he apparently openly had a friends with benefits fling with last Xmas. He wouldn’t say anything on it but wanted to meet, saying ‘come on you’re a better person than that, just meet me for coffee and allow me to speak for myself’. My last text involved me mocking him for then sending me an irrelevant, weird and nonsensical text about a poem I’d sent him while,we were together, and saying that if he had something to say, I wasn’t stopping him. No response to that and I changed my number a few days later. So I’ve outed his behaviour to him,but haven’t called him a narcissist. Pointless to out him to mutual friends of course, my feeling is they are lost to me.

  5. Samurai says:

    Dear HG, I have a question I hope you can help me with regarding revenge as well as no supply vs narc injury. My ex boyfriend is a covert cerebral narcissist who I met last year via a meetup group therefore we share a lot of friends. I’ve gone completely no contact and he can’t reach me; post hovering attempts have not worked and I’ve made it clear I know he engages in casual relationships and I don’t buy his bs. I’ve signed up to events only when he’s not going. Is my avoiding him giving him supply? Why doesn’t he come to events that I’m going to if he wants to bother me? (I really never want to see him again). If I resign from the group will it give him supply or will it give an injury when he knows he will have no way of ever contacting me again?
    My point is, I’m torn and I can’t win either way so the deciding factor is whatever causes him any narc injury, or any revenge I can get. If I stay I put up with the smearing that’s probably already begun but then I don’t think I want those friends anyway and it’s making me anxious, and if I leave he really does win all the friends and I lose them for good, and I have to start all over again with new people, I don’t want to look like a loser whole he’s all popular.
    Your expert advice on this situation would be much appreciated.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Did you escape him or did he discard you? Has he attempted any hoovers?

      1. Samurai says:

        He discarded me 10 weeks ago. It was done ‘nicely’, I just wasn’t playing ball. He desperately wanted to ‘stay friends’, something I’ve avoided and I ignored about three texts over the first month. I broke no contact after a month once I’d figured out exactly what he was, and a mutual ‘friend’ had wound me up by disclosing she thought it was inevitable that his next target was another mutual friend. He denied that he had any interest in having a girlfriend and he wanted to meet for coffee to talk and leave things on good terms. I ignored that and ten days later ran into him heading back to his place with another woman on his arm. I called him out as a liar and he said she was just a friend….so anyway we fell out and he asked me to meet him for coffee twice more and I refused. I’ve now changed my number. Sorry that’s a long explanation because the point is I don’t know if that amounts to hoovering, but I took it that he has wanted to keep as a secondary source of supply. My added issue is that I can’t tell if our mutual friends are now ‘flying monkeys’. And his behaviour doesn’t seem very narc like in avoiding me too, but then he is a covert. Complete Nightmare.

  6. PinkSour PatchKid says:

    All thanks to You, HG!

  7. PinkSour PatchKid says:

    Nicole, thank you Sug! Different forums def helped but reading HG’s posts was like hearing it from the horses mouth and let me know the way I was moving was the most effective! When I happen to come across old emails or texts from Him I literally get disgusted, like how did I ever entertain that lame?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are seizing the power PSPK.

  8. Nicole says:

    Good for you Pink!! Our situations could be compared as similar.

    I’ve read about 14 of the books and they gave me answers to my many questions HG. Thank you for giving me a form of therapy. I actually understand his mind set now compared to torturing myself with my own confusion at my narcs madness. This article that you wrote helped answer the last confusion I had. What you said about the lessor is literally the experience I’ve had and what I witnessed with his rage against his family and friends. He has withdrawn from everyone, quickly married his panic pick, and hates my guts for him exposing himself. No recent attempts at a Hoover and I may finally be free of the jerk. He is blocked from everything and he chose to abandon his son and they witnessed that as well. I never thought the truth would be seen by others but his actions made it undeniable after my escape. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and thank you for reading.

  9. Used says:

    I would tell him I could “forgive you because I know you are not capable of emotion”. He made an attempt on my life 6 years ago that did not work after getting me to sign an insurance policy for $5 million. He bullied me, threw his tantrums, was “out of town” for 2 to 3 days the entire marriage and when I had an operation, he made his move along with his ex and three children. He confessed he had been unfaithful the entire marriage and he was a “rogue”. I had no idea what was happening until he left and I went through 2 years of a divorce from Hell. He is now married to his ex living in the house we built 28 years ago. Threatened to “put me down” Wants no contact with me. He was closely guarded by his ex and children until the divorce was final Hoovered me one time after luring me to meet him, but his daughter and granddaughter interceded as they all cursed me when I saw him along with his viciously cursing me with them. A nightmare. I am now safe. I am now understanding a lot more from this website. I was a baby lamb up for slaughter for an unbelievable 40 years. No empathy. I was just trying to get moment to the next to just get through the attacks.

  10. HopeGlenn says:

    The question the narcissist should be asking the “victim” who has escaped and has exposed the narcissist is…do we really care that you have lied about us…done your smear campaign…? A resounding NO and go F… yourself would be heard. I have to believe that crap to make it affect me. And why, why would I care about the opinion of those who would believe you…? I do not…
    You see…I realized you were a liar and so very sick…that is how I escaped and have maintained NO CONTACT…
    Makes one giddy…
    Oh and I smile a lot also…
    And well…you get left with the trash…

    1. PinkSour PatchKid says:

      Love this !

  11. PinkSour PatchKid says:

    I’ve been considering exposing my exN simply because he irks me! I’m about 9 weeks post Final Escape and I haven’t heard from him at all, not even to check on our newborn. I saw him at our child support hearing and took my Ex Fiancé that he always complained about with me 😉. I acted as if I didn’t even notice he was there. He of course still didn’t have another job and he requested a paternity test and refused to pay me the minimum amount per week, so now I have to go BACK in a couple months. I have so many things in my ‘Exposure Folder’ hahaha! *Texts of him telling people he hoped I lost my baby.
    *A 4 page police report of him being accused of raping someone last year.
    *The police report from when he hit me while holding my baby.
    *He received two DUIs in a 6 month period last year.
    *And the police report from when he took my baby for 2 days and I had to get the police to escort me there and make him give her back.
    *Oh and he’s on no trespassing! I always keep all of my evidence!
    I left him off of my Birth Certificate bc I knew one day this would happen and he would have no legal right. The days he musters the courage to crawl out of hiding and challenge me in court I will also have all of this in tow, he picked the Wrong One!

    1. Hurt says:

      Do it

  12. Cara says:

    People think I’m a delight. They have me into their homes, I’ve brunched with them, I’m a member of the book club, I do charity work, I help the less fortunate.

    1. Lou says:

      And you are funny Cara! I like reading your comments. You narcs are like a black humor joke to me sometimes. You are such moral and social free riders!

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