Ex Machina



I wake. I sigh. I wait. I see. I smile. I rise. I look. I notice. I awaken. I observe. I pause. I brush. I spit. I view. I hear. I glance. I surge. I type. I halt. I listen. I note. I grin. I step. I stand. I lather. I rinse. I wipe. I turn. I move. I check. I nod. I collect. I foam. I shave. I clear. I admire. I piss. I flush. I smear. I moisturise. I turn. I catch. I dry. I spray. I dress. I adore. I answer. I speak. I understand. I climb. I descend. I eat. I compliment. I accept. I plan. I consider. I formulate. I read. I zone. I screen. I drink. I kiss. I extract. I gather. I accumulate. I garner. I stockpile. I brush. I check. I rise. I exit. I call. I tease. I plot. I move. I drive. I sing. I cruise. I forge. I advance. I frustrate. I lie. I speed. I overtake. I gesticulate. I rage. I growl. I glower. I overcome. I bristle. I prowl. I dictate. I oversee. I lead. I achieve. I pioneer. I evaluate. I target. I flirt. I chastise. I laugh. I frown. I complete. I direct. I orchestrate. I demand. I secure. I fabricate. I succeed. I triumph. I challenge. I inspire. I decide. I action. I activate. I consume. I quench. I envy. I roar. I rage. I burn. I slash. I throttle. I lash. I denigrate. I belittle. I strike. I wound. I attack. I conquer. I despise. I hate. I overrun. I dominate. I sign. I shake. I clench. I maintain. I read. I assimilate. I conduct. I move. I touch. I preserve. I continue. I subjugate. I exceed. I impress. I frighten. I illuminate. I shine. I blaze. I buy. I offer. I grace. I favour. I entertain. I joke. I outrank. I outflank. I identify. I attract. I bind. I deceive. I con. I dedicate. I pretend. I know. I understand. I grasp. I press. I pull. I remove. I shadow. I lure. I beckon. I bestow. I receive. I evade. I deny. I deflect. I swing. I duck. I blacken. I obscure. I hide. I take. I grab. I have. I remove. I strip. I push. I enter. I thrust. I delight. I lick. I bite. I tug. I caress. I probe. I stroke. I entrance. I hypnotise. I mesmerise. I float. I soar. I smooth. I sooth. I confuse. I defraud. I steal. I distract. I depart. I ignore. I sneer. I calculate. I follow. I invigilate. I guard. I misinform. I perjure. I mislead. I falsify. I construct. I destroy. I tell. I withhold. I reduce. I erode. I cloud. I arrive. I amass. I harbour. I harvest. I pluck. I suck. I drain. I acquire. I takeover. I obliterate. I annihilate. I beat. I overcome. I assure. I ignite. I manipulate. I control. I assuage. I decide. I conclude. I reflect. I dismiss. I ascertain. I point. I click. I review. I tap. I send. I spin. I trap. I block. I unblock. I do. I don’t. I will. I won’t. I can. I cannot. I should. I shouldn’t. I would. I wouldn’t. I did. I didn’t. I oppose. I combine. I bewilder. I daze. I encircle. I defend. I swoop. I revel. I increase. I fume. I snarl. I infuriate. I retaliate. I provoke. I win. I switch. I lower. I triumph. I outsmart. I outreach. I succeed. I delight. I accomplish. I remember. I twist. I turn. I grimace. I scratch. I scrape. I whisper.

I close.

I sleep.

I wake.

I am.

I repeat.


57 thoughts on “Ex Machina”

  1. Hey – my comment was completely irreverent and I can take a punch!

    I don’t like to see others bullied though.

  2. I disrupt.
    I offend.
    I affront.
    I discompose.
    I muddle.
    I spoil.
    I disgust.
    I regret.
    I apologize.

    HG: I’m sorry for making such a scene. I’m totally mortified at my behavior. I’m very sorry for causing conflict. I have no right to behave in the manner in which I did.

    Kat, Love, Flickatina:
    I’m completely out of order. I’m sorry for being so rude to all of you. No excuses, I am totally out of line. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. Your respective responses to my poor conduct were absolutely merited.

  3. This is my favorite article by you HG. This is the one that truly helped me understand your world. I see no emotional words in the article, eg. no ‘i feel happy, i feel excited’ etc. They are all action words. It is sad that you experience life in this way 😔 I wish i could snap my fingers and you could feel certain emotions that you lack. But i can’t…

  4. Hi Kat,
    Are you new here?
    For what it’s worth, I understood what you were conveying here. A person’s identity is not about “doing” but about “being”. Indeed, when I first read this post of his months ago., I noticed the same thing and commented that the only time he is engaged with his true inner self, it seems, based on reading this, is the minute he wakes and is at the “I am.” space in his day. A fleeting moment. Before those masks go on. Everything else is a distraction from the inner voice, potentially the inner beast’s voice he speaks of…. from what I’ve been learning, many narcissists are super busy and very energetic. I believe they use this effectively to not hear their inner voice, a voice that could potential he be painful. Of course just hypotheses on my end. Only HG truly knows. Keep reading and learning 🙂

    1. Yes Indy.
      ** lighting up a cigarette as I walk out of Mr. Tudor’s prison, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses.

      I got into an altercation with another commentator. Hair pulling, screaming, cursing, and all. Mr. Tudor’s riot police arrived and gassed us and hauled me away.
      Spent the night in the big slammer. Rough night.

      Fight the power!

  5. Have no fear people, comic relief is here! I leave you guys alone for a few hours and the kat in the hat shows up. Ashley starts tormenting and love becomes hate. WTF? HG your house is always sooooo chaotic. I love it. Let’s have some slight of mouth to really heat things up!!

      1. Thank you! I was beginning to think I was visiting someone else’s blog dominated by the Mean Girl Club. For that, I can watch The Bachelor.

  6. HG, I was not insinuating that, I was speaking to the fact that she took my comment so personal, as a personal attack on her, going on and on. Not that she is actually is you! Wow, HG.

    1. It read differently to me, hence my reply. Nevertheless, I accept your clarification of what you meant and we need not write anymore about it. Onwards.

  7. Hi HG,

    Thank you for the work that you are doing. Through your blog I’ve been able to better understand my former partner and to some degree really forgive him, I still, however, fear him. I have a question for you, if you don’t mind. My ex fiancé and I broke up almost two years ago but were last in touch a year ago. Right at the year no contact mark he called me and said he was sorry that we ended and wanted to see how life was for me. I thanked him and politely got off the phone, without sharing anything about my life. Then a week later he called me at 11pm and didn’t leave a message. About a month later after that I received a call, no voicemail again, and a text wherein he asked me to call him when I am free next.

    Is it possible that I’ve entered a sphere of influence for him? I haven’t returned his calls as I am a bit afraid and since he hasn’t left a voicemail I can’t be sure of what he actually hopes to accomplish. For all I know, he has a new gf and is trying to make me look as if I am harassing him to her. Will he eventually stop contacting me or should I return his calls and tell him that his sudden contact, however polite, is alarming me?

    Thank you!

    1. Hello Seeker and thank you. Don’t contact him, you will give him fuel and encourage further hovers. You’ve triggered a Hoover probably by entering the sixth sphere of influence. The Hoover execution criteria are easily reached, hence a Hoover. Go no contact, raise the bar and it will lessen the risk of hoovers.

      1. Thank you, HG, will do. I haven’t contacted him in a year and have ignored his contact, except the one call that came in the middle of the night. I haven’t blocked him because I don’t want to incense him. When he’s felt “diminished” (his word) by me in the past, he’s threatened to destroy me. He’s never acted on it but he, I think, knows just the threat is enough to frighten me.

        I’ll block him now and hope he doesn’t get enraged.

      1. Hi Ptsdafternarcabuse,

        My ex has a bad temper and would punch things, speed while driving, threaten to harm me and more when he felt I wasn’t “seeing him as good” or treating him well. He threatened to “destroy me” (his words) because I was unable to view him the same after I learned that he’d told a deal breaker lie at the start of our relationship. He’s never acted on his threats but I’ve also never, until now, really been done with him.

  8. I loved hearing this on You Tube. It was one of the first videos I found from you. The way you read it reminded me of something… then I remembered Nine Inch Nails, The Downward Spiral. Not a perfect match, but something in the mechanical delivery.

    Anyway I listened to the album afterwards, hadn’t listened to it in about 20 years, and it was an epiphany. It was so clearly written by one of “your kind”.

  9. That’s what you do, what you do is not necessarily you, it’s what you are doing. If I am doing laundry I am not laundry, it’s what I am doing. It’s not me. It’s what I am choosing to do, not who I am, it’s not me. To say so would be a loss of identity, the loss of myself. You are lost, you have lost your identity, your I am.

    1. HG HAS FOUND HIS HONESTY, HIS TRUTH. If you cannot see that HG has ABSOLUTELY found himself, you need to STOP judging, find your glasses, and START READING.
      If HG included,
      “I reveal”
      “I share”
      “I feel”
      “I uncover”
      “I expose”
      “I understand”
      Would you begin to understand how wrong you are, Kat?

      You know what HG DOESN’T do?
      -make excuses.

      -Freckle Meadow
      (I honor, I defend, I FORGIVE)

      1. You misinterpreted my comment, my comment was to the machine, as the manner this piece is written. I too have been “lost” in this same way after trauma. I’m not picking on anyone. All the I’s give way to action in a mechanical way therefore I am. Merely giving my perspective. . . .

      2. Kat, don’t pay her any mind. She’s being a bully and projecting her pain onto others. Your words come from a good place.

    2. Oh, I misunderstood, have I?

      So, when you wrote plainly, “You are lost, you have lost your identity, your I am.”
      …Who exactly is the ‘you’, to which you are referring here?
      Who are you accusing to have lost their identity, thier I am?
      Pray tell, Kat? Who is lost again?

      1. I was talking to you evidently. Though, I didn’t know that I was. My comment was a perspective, not a personal attack. It was not intented to be so. Maybe I should leave pronouns out so fans don’t get riled up. I’ll try to be more careful with my words.

      2. I realize that I word things differently, have trouble with how I communicate, and often get misunderstood. That’s on me. That’s my brain now. I don’t always use the correct words, you don’t know me either. I do the best I can. Didn’t mean to upset you.

      3. Not so. You let yourself down with such a comment Kat. You’ve been balanced in your responses. You’ve been critical of me and my kind in the past but you’re entitled to your opinion and you’ve been courteous to me when I’ve answered your questions, but to insinuate I am Ashley is poor form.

      4. This is what happens when responses and comments are made with emotion instead of logic.


    3. Kat – stop apologising. You have every right to say exactly as you please. The only person who can control what you say on here is HG by not allowing your comment. You do not need to apologise to anyone.

  10. You do a great deal in one day! But it does not appear you are very regular. May I suggest All-Bran?

    1. Flickitina:
      It does not appear that you are very perceptive.
      Or polite.
      May I suggest a reading comprehension course?
      Charm school, perhaps?

      1. Really Ashley (AKA Is it a Freckle or a Mole)? You’re suggesting charm school?
        You are not educating or enlightening anyone. Save up all this ‘wisdom’ of yours to impress your Greater Cerebral… If he decides to bother with you again.

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