It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast. It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.

I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure. Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it. Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes fromm day to day and from hour to hour. But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried. You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own. It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you. You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all. What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale. Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.

79 thoughts on “Down

  1. MTS says:

    NarcAngel, he pretended to be “happily” married. Did not want to change that “until one of us dies”. (Now I know what this means.) He claims he loves his wife and does not want to hurt her. But due to her ill health, he needed to have his needs met outside of the marriage. I guess this is what’s called the madonna-whore complex. And compared to other narcs, he never said anything negative about his previous relationships.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Well that explains his view of why he felt justified in getting his needs met outside of his happy marriage and how he sold it to you. What a saviour he is staying with her while gettimg his. Now what about you? Why were you there and how did you justify it? No need to reply, it was just for your own reflection.

      1. MTS says:

        He gave me what I was physically and emotionally missing and a lot more.. πŸ™‚ Apparently it seemed good enough to put up with the abuse from day one. It was a big price to pay.

  2. MTS says:

    My head was spinning 24/7. I wanted answers. Obviously I could not ask him because I didn’t want more lies. I told him that he was playing games. But according to him the games were only in my head. My friends who knew about him told me to leave. They still don’t understand that it is not that easy.

    1. ANK says:

      Never get the truth or straight answer from them.

    2. BraveHeart says:

      MTS, the ex-MN used to always tell me I was projecting myself onto his “spouse” (never called her his wife) when I would express to him my concerns about them sharing quality time together. He told tell me I thought those things because that’s what I would want to be sharing with him, but that I had nothing to worry about because she wasn’t like me. He told me she was cold, distant, aloof, didn’t like intimacy or affection and he didn’t want from her what he wanted from me. It was with me when he felt more alive than ever before. Wow, who was the one projecting, I tell myself now. He was such an effing liar. Towards the end he said, “I don’t understand why we’re always having to take this negative path (my fault in his mind), when we should be focused on our love”. My response to him, “I refuse to keep the peace on this path because this wasn’t the path I signed up for”. It was less than a week later I was discarded.

      I had a couple of friends “we” worked with who I was finally (after 4 1/2 years) able to open up to about everything; and because they knew him (our boss), they were able to understand how devastated I was and fortunately they still are, incredibly patient with me. I’ve shared a lot of HG’s blog with them and that’s helped them to understand considerably. I wish you the best MTS, and I pray that you’re able to keep moving forward towards your light.

      1. MTS says:

        BH thank you for your kind words. I hope we get over them fast. My Ex is busy finding my replacement. I just hope he won’t find one too soon who fits my shoe. That would really make me feel much better although I don’t want to have him back.. πŸ™‚

  3. Tammy Dow says:

    My interpretation. If you receive from the devil you will pay the devil. At least that was experience in hell.

  4. MTS says:

    Wonder why I never had a real golden period. Can you explain the possible reason behind it HG? Thanks

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would need to know more about the dynamic MTS.

      1. MTS says:

        I think I figured it out myself. I fell for him way too fast even though there were red flags and my mind was protesting big time that I ignored. The bottom line is that he didn’t have to. He (sadly) had me hooked immediately. I was his perfect fuel supply from day one..

  5. An Empath says:

    Mr. Tudor, my narc used to send me random emoji of monsters, crocodiles etc during our conversations on whatsApp in idealisation phase. I never bother to ask why and considered them a fun teasing. Now after discard i believe it was calculated maneuver to guage my level of hypnotisation but it was never used as a plea during devaluation stage that i was made aware of his evilness.
    What do you think why they were used. I bet he knew he is evil and abhorrent. Do you use them as well? Was he mid ranger or greater narcissist?

    Thanks in advance

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello An Empath, I cannot state what he is as I do not have enough information. I would suggest however the use of emojis would not be the behaviour of a Greater. I have never used an emoji in my life.

      1. ava101 says:

        *lol* that’s so true. My exnarc was very dry in his communication, too, but generous with words; but my lower-life-narc-like-ex-lover sent emojis, words only in such a minimal way that I had to ask him constantly what he was saying.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I understand your pain!

      2. ava101 says:

        ?? Why, it was the perfect combination, the two of them.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What was the perfect combination?

      3. Do it HG! Do it! Use that emoji for once!! πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜€πŸ˜Š

          1. Fine!! I should have known! 😠
            You would perceive it as an order therefore criticism. 😠

  6. Colette says:

    I ask again, HG, has there ever been any target who you took pity on and spared?

      1. Kit says:

        How do you feel about people pitying you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It disgusts me.

  7. MTS says:

    He contacted me on a dating site. Next day we met. We met almost every other day since then. We were too compatible. We were the perfect fit for one another. So I fell for him fast. Very fast. The silent treatment was the first red flag. I got it on the first weekend after meeting him. He blaimed it on lack of privacy. unexpected guess, illness, no coverage and the list goes on. I never had a real golden period but still we planned our future together. One day… Woman in love believes everything. I did. It took me over a year to figure out that these are just excuses and I am getting the silent treatment for whatever reason when I adored him to bits. It took me a year and a half to realise that he was a PA and these were silent treatments. At this stage he pushed me out of the relationship, made me end it. I went NC for a month. I was counting the days for this month to end because I kney I was going to contact him immediately when the month is up. Without him I felt completely destroyed. With him I was never happy. Only when we were physically together. On the weekends, I felt as if life was sucked out of me, but I still went back without any hoover.He at that time did not start looking for a new supply and took me back. After a couple of days things went back to “normal”. But from then on I made sure I praised him to the max even when his performace was not outstanding which was most of the time. I non-stop facked,which he didn’t seem to notice and seem to have loved his control over my body. Then I realised that I am not the only one facking it. I also realised that his under preformace was not only due to work related stress but more to do with his porn obsession.. He started to need extra visual stimulation befoe being with me. When I figured this out I started to read about narcism. Now all is clear and this time around I am being replaced for sure. I will be very highly surprised if I’ll ever get hoovered…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is always a risk of a hoover for the reasons often stated MTS.

  8. katanon666 says:

    I discarded mine like yesterday’s trash, which is exactly what he is. Now, the next step is thriving and making him watch from the sidelines with no contact whilst quietly ruining what is left of his miserable life behind the scenes. He screwed with the wrong one this time. My demons can be just as evil as his andddd they’re prettier. πŸ˜‰

    1. sarabella says:

      Yes, I posted a long question to HG then did it my way. He is discarded now as trash that he always was. I woke up thinking that given the intensity of my feelings, if he had been real, it would have been a story worthy of good fiction. Only now I have to sift through everythi g was an illusion includig me. Crazy

    2. Kit says:

      What did you do???

  9. “You wanted what I had for yourself …” – i’ve heard this before.

  10. sarabella says:

    I need to ask you a question if I may HG. It is kind of urgent. I know, the ultimate power is when we escape and go full No Contact. The situation I am in: The N, as I see now, borrowed money and then disappeared. Both to steal the money, and because his disappearance caused me great pain and fear. He let me text and spin like crazy. But then, I fought like crazy, exposed him hard, and I got that money back. He is probably an elite in a world where he is socially not one. After I got the money back, I didn’t fully get that he never said bye bye because he still needed to punish. He later pretended a ‘reconciliation’ when I reach out, but it was all false. He used it to provoke me more. Major fight. I finally called him out publicly. This resulted in him leaving a smear of me online. I went to a friend of ours, and exposed him, asked her to ask him to remove it. He did not. She is someone he uses for a lot of online supply. They continue to be friends, but I showed her how ugly he was. I was letting the smear go, deciding to just ignore it for 2 months. Then a friend of mine, deliberately gave me some news about the N that triggered me bad in part because what she said isn’t even confirmed about him. He might have just been posting it online for entertainment and fuel. But it brought back all the anger. I returned to telling him to delete his smear. I told him I would be a thorn in his side until it was gone. I went after Instagram relentlessly, filing reports and they did remove his post finally when I wrote that he was running a scam and had threatened me (true). But one thing he had written me, after calling me names and smearing me was to say ‘take a break from me for now’. Always the door left open.

    Now. I know disappearing is the best way. I won. I got Instagram to delete his photo. I got my money back. He has nothing to ‘hold’ me for. Like he knew it would hurt that he left his trashing me. I am grasping how he set me up over and over to react. He knows I think he is a monster. He keeps saying “I am not a bad man!” right….

    So do I text him, tell him something to the effect, I won, his post was removed. And then block him everywhere? He may never know it was deleted because he will pretend it doesn’t bother him, but I NEED him to know I won. He has nothing anymore over me. And I got an ‘authority’ to act on my behalf. Rendering him a bit impotent, IMO.

    What could I say, short and succinct because he needs to know it is gone and that I will no longer be stewing in the hurt of his smear remaining online? How can I tell him without fueling him more? If the news I heard is true, he also just brought himself a whole huge headache at his age. A huge headache. So I doubly want to remove from him any sense that there is any fuel left in HIS control brewing in me with that post, and that he is in his mess without any of my wonderful relentless negative fuel out there to fuel his imagination. He need never know I will still be healing. He needs only to know that I am forever CUT free from him.

    I know, NC but I want him to know I won and then be gone. What would be the worst way for someone to finally escape from you just prior to full NC?

    1. Amber says:

      Sarabella, i think it might anger him more to find out accidentally it’s gone. πŸ˜‰ i reversed a $9000 charge through visa one time, it took the crook a year to find out, and the delight at his anger was still just as delicious lol. I’m not one for directly confronting narcs unless forced to, as their egos are dangerous, and forcing them to face their natural impotence can lead to superfluous rage. You’re wanting closure, but it might be better to imagine it, not act it out. And then forgive him, because he’s honestly incapable of better behavior. You’ll be free πŸ’–

  11. Amber says:

    I’ll have to respectfully disagree that its impossible to discard a narc unless this is referring to a master narc?

    1. ANK says:

      Yes I think you can discard if you aren’t deeply entangled.

  12. Insatiable Learner says:

    Hello, Miss the Sex, would you mind elaborating on “I figured him out”? What happened? Would love to hear more if you care to share.

    1. Miss the Sex says:

      As we all know.. Actions speak louder when it comes to these type of people. He dropped hints all along, I just did not pay attention early enough. But looking back it was clear from day one. I just didn’t know what I was facing at that time. Since he might be reading this, I don’t wish to go into detail…

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Next to nobody knows at the time MTS.

    2. MTS says:

      I was onto him like a hawk. Watched, observed, analysed, probably became obsessed to find an answer in order for me to let go. Kept a diary. Dates, numbers, feelings, things that he said, etc. Looking for clues, trying to find a pattern, see what might influence his behaviour. And when things were going downhill, something just clicked and I got what I have been looking for. A nice shiny spotlessly clean beautiful picture of a mid-range narc that I have never seen before. In the mean time I found this site. This must have been sent to me by angels. HG has helped me understand even more about the whole sweet poisonous fairy tale I was caught in. Thank you HG.

  13. Zoey J. says:

    Any thoughts?

  14. Zoey J. says:

    I could really use your advice right now I could really use some advice right now. The narcissist that I was emotionally involved with was a younger man very good looking but a victim and lower functioning guy who have rage attacks. The weird thing is there was no sex it was supposedly just a friendship even though I fell in love he kept telling me I was not his type. When he started to suspect I was going to leave he started telling me that he did feel love for me but because I’m married and because I’m overweight there was no way he could do that with me. I think I might be a supernova because I pretty much took him to town on it and he fled basically and Terror but I need advice I need to know if I am a supernova and path and if so how to stop being attracted to these types of people for one thing I am highly educated and he is basically a beautiful man but not high functioning and has never been to college. That doesn’t mean he’s stupid but he has very little self-reflective insight and he’s certainly not a master narcissist. I sure could use your advice.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Zoey, an Empathic Supernova is an event not a class of empath. With regards to your situation I would need more detail and the best way to effect that is through a personal consultation, details of which can be found in the menu bar on the blog.

  15. screwyoudick says:

    Tell me HG, have you ever met your match, one who saw completely through the mask? And then what? It seems that eventually one messes with the wrong one.. I feel like you have taught me that this is not only possible but inevitable. I know my great one is a bit concerned about “his reputation” and I have to laugh on those words… Thanks for the insight. You strengthen me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There has only been one who really worked out what was going on but did so in a manner which was not used against me.

      1. screwyoudick says:

        Thanks for your honesty HG, Dick has too met his match I believe and however, well…he taught me a bit of evil. You HG have taught me to trust myself-my gut….and hopefully you would agree sometimes you just mess with the wrong woman and her family. Dick clearly didn’t see the ramifications of targeting his dead friend’s intelligent widow at the time……

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Seize the power SYD.

  16. moxiesstone says:

    How do you react to being touched? Do you feel overly sensitive to touch, temperature or scent?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I generally prefer not to be touched.
      I do not consider myself to be over sensitive.

  17. Cara says:

    Wow…you mentioned marshaling my financial resources and using (and/or misusing) them as if they’re your own, did my mother give you that idea? Because she’s the one who taught me how to marshal YOUR financial resources and use them as though they’re my own. And if we’re stealing twenty dollar bills out of each other’s purses all day, we’ll never get anything else done.

  18. Sarabella says:

    Yup Anna… I can ONLY THANK MY LUCKY stars sometimes that I never lived in the Ns country. A week of his energy caused plenty of damage. I would have been sucked in for a very, very long time. His ex is still in the game I believe. So he married her only for money, got kicked out, but they kept up the game. She allegedly has affection still for him. But she has full control over the kids, so she has the leverage even though he never cared for them emotionally or financially.

  19. Jules says:

    Thank you endlessly from very bottom of my heart. You have helped me to understand. Yet. Npd is dated label. As you indicated it is truly personality disorder. It has to be labeled in more of scitriatrich term that is not associated with narcissism. By any description it is misleadin . It is pattern that deserves better name. Beginning of the sentry label does not represent newer day sophistication.
    You have done so much so far. Name it as it represent itself in present day. It will bring you recocnishuon but further on it will help the world. Save the world? Please.

  20. indiglowsky says:

    “I would like to say, that [boy] is like a sunburn” third eye blind

    Damn your brilliance is like that flash of light before the doom, a second degree burn from a nuke blast.

  21. Miss the Sex says:

    I was the lover of a married narcissist for almost 3 years. After reading this I guess I did quiet well. I must admit I stayed to see where this rollercoaster ride is going to and how it will end. As soon as I figured him out, he let me go. Although from the first moment something was very much off, I just didn’t know what…

    1. ANK says:


      What things did he do and say to make you realize he was a narc?

      I was the a lover of a married narc for 2 years. He spent the year before these two years seducing me. Now he has a another source and when I found out I hoped he would still want me, but from this site I have worked out what he is, that he will chase one woman after another, even have more than one on the go, as he was doing with me and his new source. Well I wasn’t having being treated like some whore so told him as much, that I wasn’t going to sleep with him any more.

      I hear from him less and less as he is in the golden period with the new supply. So he is letting me go and will stop contacting me altogether soon. I don’t expect a hoover. When he is done with his current supply, I’m sure he will move onto another.

      1. MTS says:

        From the continuous lying, lame excuses, his reactions, reasons, stories that just never added up.

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Was he married and living with her when he was with you?

      3. ANK says:


        Yes he was married and living with his wife.

        I know now that he deliberately targeted me and see if he could get me. He befriended me at a time when I was vulnerable – I was still getting over a 7 year relationship and the death of my father. Over the space of year he slowly put his hooks in to reel me in.

        He never hid the fact that he was married. This was his 3rd marriage. That should have been a big warning bell, but stupidly I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that he was decent and things just hadn’t worked out. I still don’t know how in the hell I got into the affair with him, because I have always been down on people cheating and here I was the other woman. I suppose I wanted love and affection and the things he said made me feel like i was getting that.It took him a year to get me into bed. He said I could trust him, that he’d look after me, that he adored me. All the usual BS that comes from a narcs mouth. He said he couldn’t give me more, not that I ever really asked him.

        As to what I was in his grand scheme – a dirty little secret is my conclusion. I have caught him putting the feeler out with another woman, again someone who was a little bit vulnerable and in need of shoulder to cry on. I know he has lunches and coffees with women administrative staff at work – I realise now that these are potential sources of fuel, that could be upgraded if he gets them to fall for his charm.

        After he started the seduction of his new source, he decided to leave his wife, told me he was bored of her. He moved out. The new source is married so ideal for him to move out – where else would they be able to shag – not at his house and not at hers.

        Now his new source is embedded he is not bothered about me. That fact that I know about her makes it easy for him – no juggling and subterfuge. He even told me her name and when I asked why he had gone after her he said she was nice, pretty and intelligent.

        Last I saw him was about 2 weeks ago. He called his wife a crazy bitch.

      4. NarcAngel says:

        It struck me that you said you werent having him treat you like some whore only after he got another source, and even then you hoped he’d still want you. What do you think he was treating you as when he was still living with his wife? Understand that I am not giving you that label. I understand how it happened (that he targeted you and you were vulnerable etc), but it is harder to understand how you thought he was treating you badly only after he got someone after you. I hope in future that if you do not want to be treated that way that you dont accept it to begin with. He was treating you bad from minute one.

        1. ANK says:


          In hindsight, yes I can see your point, but I was fooled in to thinking I meant something to him because he use to use the words ‘make love’ tell me he adored me etc etc, hold me tight, brush my hair, do little things that were intimate. There was plenty of future faking with talk of eloping after he decided to divorce his wife.

          Her started ghosting when he got his new source. After I found out about her, ‘making love’ changed to ‘lets have sex’.

          I fell in love, otherwise I would never have slept with him or got into an affair. I do not do casual sex, or have sex with someone just because I might be dating them. Believe me past dates expected that I would sleep with them, but I have refused, and if they walked away that was fine.

          He is only the second man I have slept with in my 48 years. But yes he treated me bad to start with but I did not know what he was then, only now.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            I claim no moral high ground when it comes to sex or relationships so again, I am not making an accusation against you in any way. I am responding to you saying how you did not want to be made to feel and how to avoid that in future. You did not need to know that he was a Narc to know that he was meeting his OWN needs outside of his marriage. Not hers and not yours. That makes him a selfish bastard and liar, Narc or not, and that doesnt sound like what you want. Stay no contact. Time to stop feeding his needs and consider your own. I wish you well.

          2. ANK says:

            Thanks NarcAngel,

            I appreciate your thoughts and insight. Yes he is a selfish bastard and liar and I definitely don’t want that.

          3. BraveHeart says:

            Oh, how I understand completely where you’re coming from, ANK! Please don’t think of yourself in that way. If anything, the MM are the whores because they know exactly what they’re doing to women like you and me, right from the start. I know, as dishonest as what we did was that we also went into our situations with honest intentions at heart because we were made to feel as though everything was real to them, as well. I know the tortuous pain you felt once you discovered the truth because you jeapordized your entire life for a man who was never with you for the same good intentions. Be strong and move forward with only good thoughts of yourself. It’s time and you deserve it.

          4. ANK says:


            Thank you for your kind and supportive comments.

    2. Braveheart says:

      MTS, I guess I did quite well (from his perspective) too. After all, the ex-MN got nearly 5 years out of me. From my perspective, I wish it had been a much shorter time frame (if never) because then maybe it wouldn’t have been near as painful as it was once he decided I was no longer good enough and discarded me. I’m happy to say though that I now know I wasn’t good enough for him because I wasn’t allowing him to continue playing his games with me; therefore, he was also no longer gaining my fuel.

      1. MTS says:

        At the end I think I managed to significantly reduce my flow of fuel. I think besided figuring him out this was the other reason he let me go and went for something new instead. At least this was a follow up hoover is much less likely. At least I did not live with him and have a loving surrounding. Makes it much easier (I guess), but still hurts like hell…

      2. ANK says:


        For me even 2 years with my ex MN has been painful with the discovery that everything was a lie and that he is really a predator hiding behind a mask of civility and charm.

        I’m glad that I have, after the initial shock of finding out he had another source and still wanting him, put my self respect first.

        Like you MTS I reduced the fuel over the last three months. I’m not willing to let him f&*k me about any more. In every sense of the word.

        It is the end I think at least as far as he is concerned as there is no fuel forthcoming.

        Just need to exorcise him from my heart and mind.

        1. BraveHeart says:

          ANK, that’s the hardest part of our journeys is the exorcism of getting them out of our hearts and minds. I’m now 11 months post-discard, without a single Hoover, and I too have a strong feeling he won’t come back (not naive to the fact that he may) for the shear reason that he knows there will be no fuel from me. He wasn’t getting fuel from me for the last 3 months, as well. He also knows I’m the type of person who will cut people out of my life, in a heartbeat, and never look back after being burned one too many times. I believe he knows for a fact that if he tried hoovering me, he would be deeply criticized and wounded. This is when I see his weakness and cowardness the most; and after 11 months with HG and most of the commentators, I feel him being exorcized more and more each day and I’m becoming stronger and more alive with each passing day. 😊

      3. ANK says:


        He is still in contact with me. Only when he has seen me in passing, and then he will text, saying sorry he hasn’t been in touch, how am I etc.

        I met him for a coffee 2 weeks ago. He was going off skiing with her. Didn’t say so in many words, but I know it was with her and other work colleagues of hers.

        He was back last Monday and I know he was off work with flu all last week. But I haven’t made any effort to contact him. He is back at work today. I don’t expect him to be in touch.

        He won’t hoover me. I’m sure of it. He will look for another source once he is bored with the current one or if things start to go shit-shaped. Hell, be probably has one lined up that he’s working or has other intermittent sources.

        My MN is also a coward. When challenged or questioned he still cannot be truthful despite knowing he has been caught.

        My mind know he’s a lying shit, a manwhore, but the heart is still engaged and longing for what I had in the golden period, hoping for a text – he used to text every single day and sound like he cared – “it’s a very cold morning, wrap up warm darling.” Bet he’s sending those texts to her now. My mind also knows that any message he sends now is not heartfelt, just perfunctory and placatory.

        I feel like he has stolen something from within me.

      4. BraveHeart says:

        ANK, I was fortunate enough that the ex-MN retired from our place of employment, but had he not, I couldn’t imagine how I’d get through having to see him every day. I feel for you deeply if that is your case and I pray that you’re able to get through this time as soon as possible.

        I have no idea if the MN in my life has anyone else (beside his wife) or not, but according to HG, he more than likely does, which means he’s preoccupied with that unfortunate soul and has no desire to hoover me. I often wonder though if it ever bugged him that I never tried contacting him again after he discarded me (the day after professing his deep, undying love for me), although again, HG says he could care less. Just wishful thinking on my part, I suppose.

        A couple of things you could try doing, ANK, when the time is right for you, is to stop calling him “my” MN and get rid of possessions he’s given to you. Don’t give him the satisfaction of being yours and don’t keep anything he gave you because all of it was done in manipulation anyway. Doing those two things alone felt freeing to me, almost immediately, and little by little I’ve felt the fog being lifted away from me more and more each day.

        I was told once that the longest distance is between your mind and your heart, and believe me, I know the pain of having to let everything between the two go, but you can do it. You can bring your heart and mind together, you just need to literally get rid of everything in between. Again, I know you’ll do it in your own way and in your own time, but always strive to keep heading in the direction of your light and away from his darkness.

        Lastly, try not to think of it as something he stole from you, and instead, try thinking of it as he borrowed it from you and now you’re taking it back, never to lend it again.

        My thoughts and prayers are with you and I do know you’re going to be okay, you just have to start by keeping the no contact in place – no matter what.

        1. MTS says:

          Can it be that my ex didn’t have anybody on the side? Would this also mean that he was not expecting the relationship to end? And why is he trying to hack into my email account since we stopped seeing each other when he does not wish to continue our dance?

        2. ANK says:


          The ex-MN (see I have already taken on board your advice and dropped the ‘my’) is not far off retirement – he could take early retirement if he wanted to as he is well off, but then he would not be in the pool with plenty of fish around him to pick off.

          Luckily I don’t see him every day as he is in another building, but bumping into him a couple of weeks ago gave me a panic attack. I am anxious all the time, but I have started counselling so I’m hoping that will help.

          In your situation you say you wonder if it bugged him that you never tried to contact him – I don’t think it did, because I don’t think he cared and he was most definitely preoccupied with a new source.

          When I told the ex-MN him that he didn’t turn me on any more he said it was a good thing. He didn’t care – he was getting some from his new source.

          He never gave me anything – apart from gift vouchers. He was always saying how tight he was with money, despite owning a Porsche, Lexus, a van and 3 motorbikes, and a large house. I never asked for anything anyway. The one thing he didn’t mind paying for was meals. But then that was all part of his method of seduction.

          I think the only way I can get through is to not think of him at all, that’s the hard part – just thoughts and imaginary conversations with him going round in my head.

          No contact for nearly two weeks. The temptation is always there to send a message, but if I did send it, in my mind that makes me out to be desperate and I don’t want to give him that impression. He doesn’t care, so why put myself through the agony.

          His wife has been discarded, so the married woman he is seeing is his primary source now. I don’t expect a hoover – I was a dirty secret, and if I hadn’t found out about his new source, would have stayed that way.

          I’m sure there are narcs that don’t hoover, but just move from source to source, especially if they’ve been exposed or seen in their true light, I mean why would they want to go back knowing that we know what they’ve done and are?

          1. BraveHeart says:

            This shit is crazy Lifetime movie making shit! Trust me, your life will get easier. I had those same mind conversations with the ex-MN too, and believe me, he got a lashing from me like he’s never known; and although he never heard a word of it, I felt better and that’s all that mattered to me. So lash away at him (even out loud) and trust me, it will subside after a while.

            Btw, good job with eliminating “my”! I’m proud of you!!! πŸ˜πŸ‘πŸ’•

          2. ANK says:

            I’m hoping for the moments that feel better to become more frequent and longer. In my head I am acting out revenge, throwing a spanner in the works of his golden period with the new source. All the scenes in that play are a variation on a theme, lol.

  22. Curious says:

    How do these people end up getting married?

    1. Trauma bonding or Stockholm syndrome. Hypnosis. Suggestive selling. Mimicry. Sleep deprivation tactics. Sexual intensity. Anxiety, relief, bond cycle. But first and foremost Words. Words with touch, taste, sight, sound. And Repetition. And the stare with words and tone of words and and and and and…..

      1. ANK says:

        Yep, well versed in seduction techniques

      2. Debbie says:

        Yes Anna BB…πŸ–’

        And yes..the stare the delivery of the words and the intensity of the stare..
        Man…hard, nigh on impossible to disengage from…..
        ….. until now.
        Knowledge is power…
        thats ‘my repetition’ to myself.

        The power to stay being me.

        I am fortunate to still carry the wisdom of my father with me that has always helped me before I fell too far. But Im only human and he passed away a long time ago. .
        I am glad I found this work.
        It is dark but serves.
        Knowing the enemy’s tactics – vital.

    2. Jules says:

      Fast and easy.

      1. indiglowsky says:

        Truth! I know, been engaged too many times….most were on the narcicism spectrum of hints.

    3. Amber says:

      We see the human god created, not the devil they became.

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