How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explain how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us; some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again. I know that you will stay. Again.

75 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. ME says:

    It’s just human nature, nothing to do with our host manipulating us through his words. Whenever a group of people start interacting you will find the ones that at first prefer to listen, others barge in the conversation as if everything said was meant for them, others will only interact with people who are like minded, etc. But after a while those who post frequently will obviously change their approach cause they feel more “at home”, readers will start writing and maybe suddenly intervening when they’ve been silent all along. So it can seem surprising that all at once loads of people have a say to a particular post. That’s because some go in to “defend” a virtual friend, others suddenly decide the matter is worth intervening, it’s normal after you interact frequently with others, it just seems weird here because of the subject and all the emotions that it implies. But I assure you you would end up having the same feeling if you followed for a while a crochet blog;)
    The only downside is we wouldn’t be so passionate discussing the matter, and I doubt the owner would be as engaging as HG, I’m afraid.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good points ME and you rescued the position from comparing me to hosting a crochet blog!

  2. NarcAngel says:

    Its interesting you posed this question as I have been mulling over it for some time now. I have noticed a shift in my thinking in many ways (not all positive). I dont however, hold HG or the blog responsible for that as I have control over my frequency and involvement. Indeed I love the information and the manner in which he offers it as I am a strong individual who believes information is merely on offer-I can accept or reject it as I see fit and I assume that of others as well. Now my exposure to, and interaction with others is where I question…….
    I find there are many camps-the long term residents, the fly-by snipers, the groupies, the HG conversionists-all good and pretty identifiable early on, so I can pretty well determine how whatever I say will be received. And I think therein lies the problem for me. My mistake was originally thinking people were here to read HGs posts and then relate their experiences and exchange information to aid in healing through interesting debate/discussion, but what I am finding is that a lot of people are firmly entrenched in their camp and do not invite suggestion or discussion that is not in line with their view ( a view that does not apoear very open in a lot cases). Seldom have I ever heard someone say: I have never looked at it that way, there is usually a BUT…… followed by a repeat of their assertion that an alternative option is not viable because…….
    and then that person wants to avoid further interaction having been angered or offended. There are varying degrees of abuse also and perhaps I am guilty of prejudice in that regard. In all honesty I do not put severe physical abuse and those situations involving children in the environment in thev same light as those who had a disappointing romantic involvement, but I see that although I may dismiss that as whiny fluff that they do not (see I have grown lol). I have learned that many just come to hear that there are people who have experienced what they have (or havent), some just to let off steam, and some to just have a much needed laugh (and I have enjoyed many of those). So to those who I have offended with my suggestions that you might look at your situation from an outside and sometimes harsh standpoint to shake you or cut through the fog-my apologies. It was only meant to have you see that your strength is there and not lost. If you can find that strength to be angered at me (which btw does not bother me in the least) then you are proving to me and to yourself that you have it in you to battle and escape your abuser. There is debate amongst those who know me if I was was born a fearless scrappy bitch or if that was born out of necessity for a little girl lost. Yes I know it takes time but much like a diet-youll wish a year from now that you would have started today. I will endeavour to contain my comments regarding the situations of others (even though theyre putting it out there). I dont believe in censorship (and thus my problem) so we’ll see how that goes. I will say that I’ll blog whatever I damned well please about MY situarion and whatever HG puts out there though lol. I wish you all well and despite what you may have thought-I always did.

    1. Flickatina says:

      Why should you contain your comments? If people don’t like them they can just scroll on past!

      My arrival here was because of a minor entanglement that has left me feeling more annoyed with myself than anything. Not So Sad directed me here. However, I have discovered so much more about my early life and why my mother was the way she was. It doesn’t take away the pain but understanding helps massively.

      Now I’m mostly here for greater understanding – it’s a whole new world that I knew nothing about – indeed it only really existed in Jeffrey Deaver novels.

      And the lols – there are many lols – desperately hurt and damaged people who can still find time to laugh – completely brilliant and a testament to the human spirit.

    2. BraveHeart says:

      Beautiful, NA! πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘

    3. Snow White says:

      Hi NA,
      I can honestly say that I have learned many many things on this blog and it’s due to everyone’s diverse views. I may not agree with everything that’s said but that’s fine with me. I have never needed people to see things how I see them. There are so many out of the box ideas and thoughts. I have never done so much thinking in my life and that’s a great thing. Lol. I am grateful for the experience to talk to many wonderful people.
      I have never been offended with anything said here. I am about as laid back and open as they come. I enjoy the interactions.
      I agree you can see who sticks around and who comes and goes. People have many different reasons for showing up here.

      One of the first things I did before I posted a comment was to observe who stayed on this blog. I wanted to see what the average amount of time people stayed here. I have stayed here because I feel comfortable with the conversations I have with you guys and HG!!!
      Hope you are around for awhile NA❀️🍎❀️

      1. Love says:

        You are as sweet as always, Snow. ❀ Glad you’re here! I’m very interested to hear about your observations. What is the average time people stick around? 5.5 months for me.

        1. Snow White says:

          Awwww Love,
          I’m sending you lots of love back. ❀️❀️❀️
          I could see some familiar names from one of HGs books that carried over to this blog. It was comforting to see the same names showing up. When I saw some readers that were around for weeks and then months that made me think it was a reputable blog with people who wanted to learn. Lol… I had no prior experience with a blog so I didn’t know what I would be seeing.
          I know that people come here for many reasons and they all have varied times that it takes them to heal. But I was hoping to find readers that I would be able to learn from and interact with that would be around for a little while. I could see how some checked in every so often and others who showed up once and you never saw them again. I’m sure many read and don’t post.
          I have been nothing but pleasantly surprised with the knowledge and support that goes on here. And the craziness is a bonus. LOL

      2. Love says:

        Thanks Snow. ❀ You are very patient! I like how you sit back and observe. It is a great quality. I watch for about 2 seconds and jump in head first. Same goes for my relationships πŸ˜‰

        1. Snow White says:

          That made me laugh Love!!!
          I’m not quick or fast my any means.
          My relationship with my ex was very gradual. She knew what she was doing and didn’t have a second to think.

  3. Overthinker says:

    “She can grow to hate him, but her body will physically still crave him. And it can make her feel like a walking Molotov Cocktail of hormones” Never a truer statement! … x x

  4. Deena says:

    Mine would beg and plead every time I wanted to leave. He “changed” or “got his sh– together”. Once I would finally go back he dumped me like a price of trash shortly thereafter. It’s all a stupid game which I will never ever fall victim to again.

  5. Entertainment says:

    Does it hinder our process of healing to be on you blog daily for say at set time such as a year? Everyone, I reread a blog or a book I discover something I didn’t catch the first time. Lately, I have been involved more than usual and have noticed a shift in followers comments and several virtual cat fights.
    Most vying for your attention , some still mentally distraught, and others lack compassion and empathy and have a false sense of superiority. I have noticed these behaviors in self as well. Is this manufacturered or driven by our own egos? I too feel like one of the mean girls. And as one poster mentioned we can hide behind these devices and spew mean things however, we don’t or didn’t have the guts to stand up to the narcs.
    With Regard,
    Night Entertainment

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Entertainment, I do not consider it as a consequence of how long you are exposed to my work. I am not seeking to seduce or indeed devalue through this blog and my writing. For some people, the brutal honesty is exactly what is needed, for others it may be too early in their curve towards freedom and they may be better served returning at another date. Some people feel the occasional break serves them well, that is a matter for them, others feel that repeated reading allows them to maintain awareness, it provides a reminder not to slip back into old and dangerous habits and it also provides a barometer with regards to your own progress (six months ago that article upset me, now it angers me, or now I feel nothing but appreciation for how it has allowed me to understand) etc. You are not going to “suffer” by reading my blog and books, or interacting with me. Any damage that exists came from elsewhere and here is where you gain knowledge to achieve understanding. The behaviours you mention are specific to the individuals concerned as opposed to being as a consequence of some kind of exposure to my work. Those people would vie for my attention irrespective, their mental state is pre-existing, the lack of compassion is already there. I do not create these.

    2. Flickatina says:

      Entertainment – I think most normal people are all those things sometimes – we have a wide range of emotions, behaviours etc.
      I can be distraught, I have been mentally unstable, I seek attention, I do feel superior sometimes, I have lacked empathy and compassion on occasion. We all have the capacity to be those things. Where we differ from HG and his ilk is that we can change, we can regret, we can be a better person. We can choose to be who we are.

      We are the mobile electrons to HG’s bound proton. A previous post was entitled bound – HG realises he is bound to his nature.

    3. Love says:

      Entertainment, in regards to your comment:
      “we don’t or didn’t have the guts to stand up to the narcs”
      I would often tell my narcs off. Yet it was always with emotion, which they converted into pure fuel. Drama = Fuel.

    4. Sunshine says:

      Entertainment – I’m new to the blog, so haven’t observed the shift you describe. However, I think reading this blog makes me feel more narky. But then that stops as soon as I close it down. Back to being me again.

      The comments section is almost like a little experiment in it’s own right!

      1. BraveHeart says:

        It sure is, Sunshine! I love reading the ‘Comments’ section. I’ve learned so much from everyone else’s experiences. They’re all so different, yet the results are pretty much alike. I love reading survival stories!

  6. Entertainment says:

    Trying to hit the release button to get unstuck.😊

  7. GM says:

    HG! welldone! You said everything to the T’πŸ‘πŸΏπŸ‘πŸΏπŸ‘πŸΏ I thought all this was in my head😳

  8. HG,

    Where do I find more information on the behavior of the elite narcissist? Mine had both somatic and cerebral traits that were equally strong. He was into perfecting his body and was extremely smart and used his intelligence to charm as well. It’s interesting that he was asexual with his ex but extremely sexual with me. This mind boggles me. Is this info in one of your books?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Sitting Target and Sex and the Narcisisst.

  9. Amanda says:

    I kept going back for 2 years. Its been quiet for a few weeks then yesterday he lets me know that he can see I’m hurt and that I may talk to him, he’s still there for me. And its killing me because I want to but know I shouldn’t. Complete mental/emotional torture.

    1. Maria says:

      Amanda.. i know the feeling.. but don’ t.. you will prolong the agony..
      however you will be pushed away by the hurts… and one day so far away.. that nothing he says will reach you anymore…. then you will start to live again.. no more addiction.. why chasing a ghost?


  10. Brian says:

    You know when you are driving home from work, what kinds of things are you thinking in regards to your primary supply?
    Is it like ‘she didnt give me any fuel this morning so im going to do x,y and z’
    or is it more like
    ‘im gonna get that bitch tonight’
    or something else?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Those and more.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Ouch! Harsh HG!

      2. Brian says:

        That would be an interesting article πŸ™‚

  11. sarabella says:

    I sometimes poured out all that to him on purpose. Knowing the kind of women he would snare would never really love him. other times, I was stuck. I must have gotten quite nasty though as he told me frequently to hold my tongue and count to 10 before speaking to him. Haha oh well. He heard it all. Outpouring of love to intense returned abuse. I was a good mirror to him. My parting words were that he is trash and scum so we do get unstuck from our useless empathy. I am sorry I still feel hurt.

    1. Maria says:

      i was never afraid to tell him as it is … never.. it is one thing that they want more.. our honest and straightforward arguments.. to tear then down of course … but still i would… that made him desire me more.. lots of fluel.. but now i know that silence is the most potent weapon.

  12. MTS says:

    How often does a narcissist rage in general? Is this a daily, weekly happening? What triggers it? How does he treat his lover while he is raging with his immediate family? Does she get the silent treatment in the mean time? How does he treat the family if he gets serious narcistic injury from his lover? If you could addres this topic. Thanks a million HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It could be several times a day it might be once a week. It depends on the type of narcissist, where it happens and it is triggered by criticism which causes wounding.

  13. Danielle says:

    Word by Word
    He descarted me before christmas. I’m devastated 😞😞

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If he descarted you Danielle, did he do so philosophically? Perhaps he stated, “I discard, therefore I am” ?!

      1. ava101 says:


      2. Love says:

        Lol Descartes. I wonder if the word ‘discard’ originated from him.

      3. Flickatina says:

        Oh god I shouldn’t laugh but that tickled me!

      4. Brian says:


    2. E. B. says:

      It hurts to be treated like a piece of furniture.

  14. MLA - Clarece says:

    Before anyone beats themselves up too much for getting stuck, let’s not forget the Narc morphed himself into what the supply is attracted to and moves the relationship along at a rapid pace sucking this person into basically a vortex. As sex is used frequently to seal the bonding aspect along with communicating desires, life stories, goals, etc. (all the sharing that one would think typically happens in a developing relationship), then you have the whole chemical aspect wreaking its havoc from oxytocin (the sex and bonding hormone and also found in men’s semen), dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. As these hormones rise, causing one to feel great, it also feels good to cooperate and thus blindly opening yourself up to trusting this person more. Sex and orgasm increase the sensation of a real attachment. One goes from an intense attraction, attachment and deep bonding which the Narc is working on the whole time. When withdrawn, once that love bond is established, due to the other traits of the supply such as being loyal, trusting, honest, direct,highly responsive to relationship investment and pleasing one’s partner etc., pleasure doesn’t have to be maintained. The push / pull begins and the intense stop / start of these chemicals building, gives the roller coaster experience of emotional driven intensity. Chemistry and science really can back up the emotional craving, anxiety, mood swings or desperation for one to cling to what they thought was a loving relationship.
    It takes time to understand it all. It takes time to wean yourself off it. It takes time to allow yourself to grieve the loss of this relationship that you were fully invested in. And everyone is one their own timetable for processing all of that.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Do these chemical reactions and hormone releases happen to everyone in love or having sex or is it just the highly empathic that is affected in this way?

      1. It is not just highly empathetic people that release it. Its not just love that releases it. Sex , having a baby, hugging for longer than 10 seconds, etc. Releases it. Oxytocin is the love hormone. It is released during sex to produce a bonding agent. So the cycle is Narc creates anxiety. You go to Narc for comfort. They have sex with you. You feel bonded they don’t. Keeps golden for a bit. Then whole cycle repeats.
        MLAC, don’t mean to step on your toes. We have been going to the same school so I wanted to excerise the knowledge to make sure I remember it. Don’t get mad. 🌻 I’m learning more about dangerous men now and word framing. Interesting stuff.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          You did great! I would have echoed your comments!!

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        These are the normal chemical / hormone releases that happen naturally in a building relationship and falling in love. With a healthy relationship, there is the ebb and flow between both parties because they both are investing in each other to learn about each other, establish trust, get attached and over time deeply bond with one another. So the releases are mutually beneficial as they are happening. There’s attraction, attachment and then bonding. All providing their chemical releases making both sides feel freakin’ amazing (in a nutshell).
        The difference in the Narc relationship is the Narc will attach to someone but cannot form that true human bond. (And some say Narcs cannot even attach. It’s open for debate. I believe since they have fondness, enjoy one’s company, find common ground with someone to spend their time it is developing an attachment.)
        Beyond feeling affection these intimate acts that create bonding are not happening for the Narc. But they are for the supply. So then suddenly there is a silent treatment, or discourse or discard. Whatever it is. That is what creates these spikes with intensity of the hormones being released when there is relief for the Narc rewarding or returning to the Supply and the crash when they pull away again causing cravings on the line of addiction. In these particular relationships, it is that intense. And I would not even say someone has to be excessively empathetic. Other traits such as being someone who derives lots of pleasure from being someone in a relationship, loyalty to a relationship, honesty, self-sacrificing, confidence levels, highly responsive to relationship rewards etc., exist. Another person with different character traits separate even from where they are on the empathy grid, may be able to walk away much easier and quicker at the first sign of this craziness. The Narc selects the specific supply that they know they can put on a Fast Track for a relationship.
        The article that eventually led me to even finding out about real Narcissism was in the Psychology Today issue of May 2015 (I believe) about Misogyny. Studies had shown that when a misogynist doled out hurtful and / or abusive treatment to their intimate partner (or really, any female – could be family member, co-worker, etc.) their brain sub-consciously released dopamine. It was their own inner reward system to feeling good. So that becomes addictive for them, to eventually get to where they can be hurtful because deep down, it gives this chemical high thus they repeat the patterns and behavior. That blew me away and at that time finally gave me a moment of clarity on the constant hurtful exchanges I would have with JN and having him return over and over just to repeat the cycle.
        My big question back then was is there a way to re-program their natural reward system to release dopamine for good behavior and not destructive behavior? (Btw HG, whatever did happen to Dr. S looking into that? lol)
        At the point when a Narc starts the manipulations out of boredom or stale fuel or whatever reason, with a woman, not only have her emotions bonded with him already. Her brain pathways and hormonal chemistry have responded and bonded to him. Over extended time of this, she can grow to hate him, but her body will physically still crave him. And it can make her feel like a walking Molotov Cocktail of hormones. Not fun.
        I don’t want to overload and I hope I didn’t ramble. I hope I explained my above comment better for you.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Thank you for your reply. It was most clear and very interesting.
          I understand the Narc does or cannot bond and the Supply does, causing an imbalance to begin with.

          The thing about dopamine though is that its release is associated with reward by both sides in response to completely opposite behavior. It causes the chemical high which is addictive and furthers repeat behavior in BOTH. As noted, science can back up the emotional cravings, anxiety, and mood swings causing the supply to cling to their belief in the relationship. So too then does it cause the Narc to cling to his belief that his behavior is necessary to obtain his fuel. Same disadvantage and yet we expect they can just control it and stop their behavior. They cannot or will not just as Empaths refuse to give up hope on their end. Where I do see some advantage is in the character traits you mention. Where Empaths have many (honesty, patience, hope, love etc) to their (mostly negative) few, and if applied to themselves with the same tenacity afforded their abusers, the investment would net a better result. You cannot change them but you can change your focus to regain your confidence and allow the fog to clear.
          In summary: both sides are subject to dopamine, hormonal changes, and addiction. True. But your willingness (where they have none) to change and accept that it was only ever an illusion that they cannot sustain can bring you to peace.
          Again, thank you for your response and the information which I found most interesting.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            I appreciated your response as well.
            As far as the Narc and the Supply clinging to their respective behaviors (the Narc with fuel, the Supply with hope), without awareness they can’t be blamed for being true to themselves. It just helps explain why these relationships can go on for an endless amount of time (i.e., a marriage for 20 years) with gorilla glue bonding that happens thanks to the chemical side of it mixed in.
            Adjustments can happen once you become aware and enlightened.
            It’s just not so easy to change like a flip of a switch.
            But, yes, great exchange!

      3. Love says:

        Very interesting conversation. Thank you both. NarcAngel, that was insightful about the hormonal effect on narcs as well.

    2. ava101 says:

      And how do the dopamine levels get normal again?? Mine are still completely off and I’m addicted.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Well, I’m still here since 8/31/15. lol A long, long time. It’s a purging process and that can’t happen until all the emotions have worked their way out. I did notice a considerable difference in myself last summer when I was NC between his hoovers for about 6-7 weeks. Time and distance removed is crucial.

    3. Hurts so good says:

      Clarece…ty for that post it is exactly to a T what ive struggled with. It helps to see it explained this way. It really is an addiction and hard to break. You do go thru terrible withdrawals. A psychologist explained the chemical side of it to me but you summed it up so perfectly!

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Thank you! When I write these type of answers, I try to pretend as if I’m having a conversation with my BFF over lunch and how I would explain it to her.

    4. ava101 says:

      And what do you think how long it takes for the trauma of the trauma bond to establish? I was looking at some old pictures of mine, and after the end of the official relationship / discard, I still looked kind of ok, in spite of the pain. The lightin my eyes went off … 2 or 3 years later … I also believe that the first severe anxiety attack was after 2 years or so. ???

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        This is as individual to your specific relationship and what you endured. There were two traumatic events that happened with mine at about the 4 month mark. I am forever imprinted by those things now. But most days now, I’m back to my normal self as far as confidence back, sense of humor back, getting out socially. Dating? Hell No!

      2. ava101 says:

        Thank you MLA. I try to go out, but still find I attract not-so-nice people. Or really needy people, and I need all my energy for myself right now.

    5. Flickatina says:

      Is it possible that someone can just be a bit of a dick and not a narc? So they can be redeemed?

      Are these straws I am clutching at the funky spiral kind?

    6. E. B. says:

      Thank you for your interesting comments, Clarece.
      β€œβ€¦ when a misogynist doled out hurtful and / or abusive treatment to their intimate partner (or really, any female – could be family member, co-worker, etc.) their brain sub-consciously released dopamine. It was their own inner reward system to feeling good. So that becomes addictive for them, to eventually get to where they can be hurtful because deep down, it gives this chemical high…”
      Isn’t it a sign of a sadistic personality disorder?

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Hello E.B.!
        On those comments, I was going from memory on the article from Psychology Today that was specifically on mysogony only. That had been my first A-ha moment.

    7. Snow White says:

      Hi Clarece!!!!
      I have loved reading your posts since I started here.
      Everything you said is very true. So much is summed up in a few paragraphs. No wonder we are left in the state we are in. It’s a great reminder not to get discouraged wherever we are in the process.
      The chemical reactions and the brain are just another intriguing part of the puzzle.
      Every part of our being is affected by being in this kind of relationship.
      TIME is everything. And I liked the part when you said you have to work out all the emotions. I still am purging and confused by some emotions that I feel. They can change daily too.
      It sucks being an emotional person.
      Sounds like you are doing well!❀️🍎❀️

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Hi SW! Thank you so much! I relate a lot to your posts too in how you were affected and still are. I don’t know if it sucks more being an emotional person or a highly sensitive one?
        Coincidentally, you mentioned you thought I was doing well. And I am for the most part. JN had been hoovering some around the holidays, but it was getting redundant and I told him to stop contacting me. It’s been about 3-1/2 weeks. The last couple of days it’s been like going through detox again! I’m just agitated and annoyed and I’ve had 2 vivid dreams about him this past week. That’s a new one. This used to happen around NC at 10 days. I’m so aggravated I still get this way. So yes, feelings most definitely change daily!
        Thank you again for your kind words!

        1. Snow White says:

          I’m so glad you mentioned dreams Clarece!
          I’m glad I’m not the only one.
          I had many dreams about my ex when I first went NC but lately she has resurfaced in them. They feel very real to me.
          I can’t even get away from her when I sleep.

          Sorry to hear that’s he’s still poking around you. That would make me feel a range of emotions.

          1. BraveHeart says:

            I only had three dreams of the ex-N (2 – 11 months ago and one this past weekend). The first one was of him avoiding me the entire dream until the very end, when he put up his pointer finger as if to say, I’ll be right back. The other one was of me sitting on a grassy hill, wondering if he’d ever come back and an unknown voice said to me, “no, because he’s lazy”. The last dream I had was the best. I found myself laughing and enjoying myself with his wife and when I looked up at him he had gained weight and doubled in size. Life’s a bitch for him no matter where he is now. πŸ˜‚

          2. Snow White says:

            Hi Bravehart!
            How are you?
            That last one was great to read! πŸ˜‚

            I remember one within the first month. We were in her car with her girlfriend and I was saying I was sorry for everything. When I think about how many games and lies were played between the theee of us it makes my head spin.
            The others I’m kissing her.
            They all involve that damn car, kissing and tears. 😫😩
            I wake up from mine thinking that my ex is still in my life.
            Then I can breathe because she’s not.

          3. BraveHeart says:

            SW, I’ve been reading your comments from since you started on this blog and I have felt you growing along the way. You have come a long, long ways and I really hope you’re feeling that deep inside yourself because you certainly deserve to. Dreams or no dreams, you and I live in reality again (thank God) and we need to use our dreams as reminders of where we don’t belong. I just want you to know, I’m proud of you for coming as far as you have in a relatively short time. You’re one who I know is going to make it and be okay because I’ve seen you learning throughout this part of your journey on this blog. Keep going strong sweet lady! πŸ’žπŸ’«

          4. Snow White says:

            We have both come a long way Braveheart and learned so much.
            Thank you sooo much for everything that you said. It’s means a lot.
            Your kind words touch my heart.
            It’s been a long year and I just didn’t think that I would be as emotional as I am this far into it. HG is right when he talks about them leaving their everlasting imprint in our lives.
            Neither one of us belong with them anymore. I went from believing that I belonged with her to knowing now that I need to stay far far away from her.
            You are one strong lady yourself. Lol
            I have enjoyed being on this blog. I have learned and grown with many wonderful women here. I wouldn’t be as far as I am now without you. And without HG’s words I would have gone back to her.
            Thank you Braveheart for reaching out.
            Many hugs to you❀️🍎❀️

    8. BraveHeart says:

      Very well said, Clarece!

    9. Sunshine says:

      I wonder, has oxytocin ever been used in the treatment of narcs?

  15. i could relate to all of this..

  16. Kayley says:


    Is it normal for a narc to keep pictures of all his victims? I found pictures of every girl he’s dated in his phone? (Trophy reminders?) Also…

    Does it bug a narc knowing their victim has been in love before loving them?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Some may do so for the reason you advance.

      No. It evidences you are a love devotee and thus ticks the box of that empathic trait (and others).

    2. Love says:

      Kayley, one of my ex narcs keeps a collage of my pics and hoovers often with pic messages. I’m sure his method is the same for other women. I am guessing it makes his hoover attempts more successful because the women believe he is reminiscing about them.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        I wondered if its just to keep who is who straight due to the sheer volume. Thats why its always babe or sweets so they dont screw up the names. Then of course theres always the opportunity to hold your pic in one hand and ahem…something else in the other (those ambidextrous boys). I do hope they clean their screens regular. Do you have pics of your Ns?

      2. Love says:

        Of course NarcAngel. I keep all evidence of my past narcs, in case any of them have a bounty on their head and I can make money leaking intel πŸ˜€

  17. Brandie says:

    Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others .

  18. NarcAngel says:

    Funny, your next to last paragraph starting with :Something is wrong with me……. Is when I see you truly mirroring. Those words may as well be falling from the mouths of those still desperately clinging to the illusion.

  19. Marusca Maria says:

    yes. It was the moment to depart. that was destined from the beginning.. we just made it to last ..we challenge time.. we won over time and reasons….but couldn’t win over fate. the rest it’s just a story.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

To Have Not To Hold