To Have Not To Hold


You can have our kind but you cannot hold on to us. We will not permit it. We are the archetypal individuals who you can experience, you can love, enjoy, cherish and so many other things but the one thing you may not do is hold on to us.

We allow you to have us because what we give you is constructed and comes at no great cost to us. Instead it allows us to gain. By being generous with our supposed love, passionate with our words, highly desirable with our sexual prowess, charming, flattering and everything else which you associate with out love bombing of you, we want you to have it all. We want you to have all of our charm, our magnetism, our illusion. We want you to drown in it, become engulfed by the blazoning lights and soothing sounds, swamped by the seductive desire that we sweep across you like a tsunami. You can have it all because the more we give you, the more likely you will be carried away by this tidal wave of false love. The more sugar we pour over you, the sweeter the golden period and the greater your addiction to us becomes. Naturally,the extent of how much you can have of us is governed by our energy levels and our capacity for control, so that the experience is all the more fuller should you be ensnared by a Mid Ranger than a Lesser and many times more intense should you fall prey to a Greater.

You can have all of our time because it serves our purposes. All of our focus is yours, you get our near undivided attention as we pull out all the stops to seduce and conquer. You can have our financial resources as we spend money on you (even when we may not have the money to spend on you – incurring debt or using someone else’s resources) , take you to places, book interesting days out, tempting nights out and utilise financial muscle, whether ours or borrowed from  bank or devalued victim, in order to let you have the full on magical experience that is being seduced by us.

We will grant you access to our friends, which of course is just allowing the façade to wrap around you and convince you of our bona fides, our supportive and attractive coterie all so giving of their time to you, praising us and welcoming you.

We will allow you to have a route to all of our favourite things, although of course this is manufactured in order to actually allow you to attach to your favourite things as we mirror your likes, your desires and your hopes back at you, but it is still giving of us.

The Somatic and Elite cadres will allow you to have us physically as the weapon of mass seduction that is sex, is rolled our to delight you. You are apparently given access to our most intimate of levels, in a series of steamy and orgasmic encounters as we utilise our well-practised sexual skills in conjunction with the whole orchestrated seduction of you to create an intense and mesmerising experience.

We may move you in, a supposedly generous act as we allow you to have closeness and regular time with us, all engineered of course to maintain our façade of pleasantry and reliability as you are bound closer to us. In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.

Yes, by allowing you to have so much of us, we create the image of someone who gives, someone who sacrifices, who thinks of you before we think of ourselves and thus yo, understandably, fall for this and truly believe you have us. You do have us but it is for, in the scheme of things, a fleeting instance. A mere moment in vastness of time and for all of its wonder and brilliance, you are allowed to have us but you cannot hold us.

We cannot allow this to happen because we will turn matters around, in order to ensure that our hunger for fuel is addressed, in order to cater for our slavish devotion to the maintenance of superiority and in order to assert our right to do as we please, when we please, how we please and with whom we please.

You cannot hold us. You cannot keep us. We regard ourselves as that omnipotent force that is not beholden to boundaries, constraints and bondage. You have no say over what we do. You are not there to impose your rules on us, keep us in check or prevent us from seeking out what we need in order to maintain our existence. Indeed, the prevention of you keeping us is material in ensuring that the threat of our departure is something that keeps you working hard to please us,to provide that fuel, be it positive or negative and to allow us to keep you just where we want you. We can keep a hold of you of course, that is the nature of the narcissistic covenant, but as usual, what applies to you will not apply to you and vice versa.

We make the decisions. We choose. We execute and operate. We are not there to be bound to one person and especially one which will invariably fail us. We consider ourselves as beyond such things and therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc.

We want you to try to hold on to us, that is part of our game playing. We want you to strive to keep us, to exert your every waking moment to clinging on to us but it can never happen. We are programmed to reject that desire to keep us as you want us to be. There is no hope for it to happen, but we will give you that false hope, through the respite periods and the periodic resumption of the golden period. You are led to believe that you have managed to keep us, that you can continue to have us and to hold us, but it will not last and it cannot last because the concept of being beholden to you and just you will ultimately run contrary to our needs and as you are well-acquainted with the idea now, our needs must always come first.

We decide when we come back, we decide when the false love is shown to you again, we decide when you get to see us, get to speak to us and receive our attention, seduction, fury or disdain. We must behave this way to shore up our idea of being the one who calls the shots, who makes the decisions and pulls the strings because we dare not contemplate for too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters.

We will always let you have us, but you will never be allowed to hold us.

62 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold

  1. Tina says:

    Yes HG

  2. Christine says:

    Thank you for your reply, is 24 yrs unusual for a your kind ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Christine, do you mean to remain in an intimate relationship for 24 years?

  3. Tina says:

    One of yours H G . ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Four years.

      1. Maria says:

        i wanted to ask you HG ;
        Are there some Narcissist that stick to one woman? And not even living with her…
        It seems that i am encountering that..
        .although i doubt..
        can i write you privately please.
        You will be very interesteded in my story.. probabily never heard one of the kind.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They may do so or at least give the appearance of doing so. It may be that the narcissist accepts lower fuel from a primary source as a trade-off for increased residual benefits, but he will still gain fuel elsewhere, it just may not involve sexual infidelity.
          Yes if you would like to.

      2. Love says:

        This worries me Mr. Tudor. 3.5 years was my longest. You have me beat by half a year. And I have had 0 marriages. Perhaps you are better at long term relationships than I am. Hm, I wonder what this says about me.

      3. MLA - Clarece says:

        Was this your marriage?

        1. HG Tudor says:


  4. Tina says:

    My curiosity HG what was the longest relationship you encountered?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean one of mine or someone else’s?

  5. alissa says:

    I wonder if HG is married? this article brings me right back to being married to a monster and a stranger. My god, spending seven years trying to figure out who exactly I married .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I am not.

  6. GM says:

    HG you’re truly truly a God send. Thank you yet again! You speak to me exactly to what is happening! Are you sure you’re not stalking me!
    Well earned fuel HG! Welldone!👏🏿

  7. Red rider says:

    Ok, this really is my life right now😩 I have only been on this site for 3 days and my relationship him is making more and more sense. He’s definitely a somatic!!! But I’m confused about a few things. One, I feel like he still hasn’t ever fully discarded. I know I’m not his primary anymore but he still communicates(not as much as before), if I text him he’s really quick to respond and is pleasant or caring and will bring up things about when we were together physically. So what does this make me?? And why would you ever choose long distance? I mean I’m 12 hrs away in the car!! First time I saw him was in October. Two wks after I got home, he made a weird statement that he was ready to see me again. I was thinking you’re ready??? why wouldn’t you be ready?!? I saw him again in November for the weekend, I feel after that trip he did devalue but never a discard. And now I he wants to see me again but he’s not quite ready?!? I’m not planning on seeing him again but what is up with being so shady with seeing someone in person but can message all sorts of sweet things and sexual things?!? This is going on 6 months and I’ve know him since we were teenagers, dated for 5 yrs. I can’t figure this out! Thanks HG:)

  8. Marusca Maria says:

    i think that it is not that you cannot let us have you…. it is because the deep fear of rejection it’s too great .. and that will crush you..a Narcissist cannot be crushed or he will be annihilated..

    1. ithinkamasubcarrier says:

      I have the same take MM… they can not allow any chance for vulnerability.. likely because they were vulnerable at one time – and were not protected. just my thoughts… am sorting through all this myself…

      1. ithinkamasubcarrier says:

        protect the inner sanctum… at any, and all costs to others

      2. katanon666 says:

        Yes, mine was always going on about how he cannot and will not trust anyone ever. He was not lying about that. In retrospect it was one of the very few truths he ever told. Someone else can deal with all that mess now. I’ve washed my hands of trying to fix him or help him because ultimately he likes being the way he is and I don’t like who he (really) is. That dream he sold me was magnificent, though.

  9. Bette says:

    Its all so empty. It reminds me of the store front props used
    in Hollywood westerns. Looks so real from the front, the
    victim frantically trying the save the collapsing charade in the

    1. ithinkamasubcarrier says:

      Let the curtain… I mean the charade fall!

  10. Flickatina says:

    What upsets me most is that I was not looking for a relationship. I was happy! This reminds me of something a friend told me…Balloon Theory.

    Balloons and I have never got on – it’s always ended badly so I don’t like balloons and I don’t want one. Then someone offers me a balloon. It looks quite nice so I think, hmm..perhaps I’ll give this balloon a go! The balloon is great. It’s a fabulous balloon. I think, yes – I could like balloons again! Then someone pops the balloon. Reminding you that balloons are, indeed, the epitome of evil.

    But I still want one.

    1. Love says:

      Lol balloons are bad for the environment and dangerous for those with latex allergies. 🎈

      1. Flickatina says:

        Let us assume they are virtual balloons then 🙂

        I would hate to be the cause of sudden anaphylaxis. Or indeed the destruction of the earth.

      2. Love says:

        Lol Flicka. You can always carry an EpiPen with you.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Are you sure whatever you were high on when you floated that theory wasnt smuggled in a balloon?

      1. Flickatina says:

        Ha ha! It wasn’t my theory – someone else came up with it. But maybe I’d been on the diazepam……..

  11. sarabella says:

    “Catch me if you can, I am the Gingerbread Man!”

    Yeah, he did all that. Honestly, it was pretty pathetic sounding after a while. So much noise, so much posturing, so much come here/go away and in the end, he sleeps alone, desperate, broke, erectile dysfunction, sickly looking still playing all those old games. And he has no one but himself. What awful company in the end. But I bought in to all his online antics although I was set up to be jealous before I ever even thought of it. He actually said, “if there is jealousy, thats the end…” and it was even said in a threatening, warning way. I remember thinking, why should I be jealous if you like me as much as you say you do… hahaha. So eventually, I did fall into his game but then someone who was close to it all saw the truth and told me, he is a desperate man, sleeps alone and it is all pretend. It still took a while for the reality of who he really is to knock down the smoke and mirrors he created. If I ever dare to peak at his online life, I do feel the pang of envy, that I am not a part of this great life he fabricated for me to believe. But the truth is, he has no one. So all that “catch me if you can”… so much wasted energy. Once he really started that game, I actually, now that I look back, was the one who started to discard him. He never really controlled me with that for long.

    I forget how the story ends… what ever did happen to the Gingerbread man? I just remember one of the illustrations, this cookie running down the the road, and that phrase came to mind reading your piece.

    I feel badly for anyone who was your victim. And all the others that were sucked in far more than me…. my little exposure was damaging enough, I cannot even imagine more of what I experienced.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      A wolf outsmarts the Gingerbread man and eats him!!

      1. Twilight says:

        Lol that he does

  12. MLA - Clarece says:

    Part of that Tsunami love wave includes using your charm to extract information on three vital P’s from us:
    Do you think you have a mental checklist that once you have unlocked the doors on those areas, you begin to lose interest?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is only if the fuel feels stale albeit I accept that having no more to unlock might be part of the reason why the fuel feels stale.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        A-ha… Something else for you to ponder across the pond!
        Btw, completely off topic, but Depeche Mode got brought up the other day. I’m sure you know they have a new CD coming out next month (on St. Patty’s Day) and going on tour in the fall.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          My tickets are already booked for three of their concerts Clarece and have been for some time, but thank you nevertheless.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            You’re taking me to the one you have VIP backstage tickets for, right?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Naturally. I have met Martin Gore on three occasions, Andy Fletcher once but not Dave Gahan, but time for that to happen.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            I would say so, for that bucket list meeting to happen.

      2. Twilight says:

        So once you understand someone the boredom starts to show?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Again, it is about the fuel, not actually understanding someone.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            But understanding someone is key in harnessing positive or negative fuel. Wouldn’t that follow course that you will research a “sitting target” when you can so you have a heads up on how to mirror them? That helps you secure a win over them.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Yes understanding them is key to ensure the collection of fuel, but as I stated, it is the staleness of the fuel which brings about the devaluation, not the fact that that person is understood. Once understood that provides the platform for further manipulation.

      3. ava101 says:

        Ah, I can’t listen to the old Depeche Mode songs, I just tried. They bring back some very old memories …

      4. Lou says:

        Three times the same concert?! I thought you got bored very easily.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not when there are different appliances to court using the draw of the mighty Mode and I combined. Fuel extravaganza.

      5. Love says:

        3 different concerts – 3 different candidates! Oh my goodness, will this determine the final rose ceremony results?
        Ah! This is so exciting! Please share!

      6. Vashti says:



  13. The mask says:

    That looks like a 71 yr old hand 😄
    Very true this blog!! Ive experienced it first “hand”! 👌

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ha ha maybe, but if it is, it is not mine.

  14. Kayley says:

    HG, have you ever been exploited?

    If so, what was your reaction?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not as an adult.

      1. ithinkamasubcarrier says:

        ok.. so you have child issues around being exploited or likely victimized…. that said, you are now in control.. haha of course you are.. or are you? Could you stop abusing others… if you wanted to?
        Q. If your childhood was different – would you be?
        Although you can’t change your childhood… you can change your adult behavior! But…I suspect you are happy (as you define the construct of happiness), and you likely do not want to – or desire to – change your behavior-
        …. despite your intro at the onset of your webpage as “Evil”. Q. Do you consider yourself ‘evil’, or “Evil”? What is evil to you… your disregard of other/s… is that some tacit admission of inappropriate mindset? You are real good with ‘self’, not so much with ‘other/s’.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Evil is what my behaviour has been repeatedly been described as.

  15. I believe the second from last paragraph answers a question I posed to you some time ago.

    Thank you HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No problem Alexis.

  16. Janice says:

    Brutally honest, you always tell the truth, at least to us. Excellent article and your graphics are always compelling.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Janice.

      1. ithinkamasubcarrier says:

        dude, so do you also get fuel from all the ‘positive’ posts about you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes I do. But as repeatedly explained it is low in potency. See the book Fuel as to why.

  17. Zoey Brewer says:

    Well…in a way, it may be more of a bargain than some well meaning slob as a “lover”??

  18. katanon666 says:

    Ah, the flashbacks to the golden period. Meeting the “fam” being welcomed as one of them. Had I only known I was being inducted into the seventh circle of hell…Reading this makes me ever so happy I discarded him. Not only discarded but rebuffed his hoovers. My silence his ever lasting torment. He will never hear my voice or feel my touch again no matter how many hoovers he tries. He is dead to me and I decided that. 😉

  19. Flickatina says:

    I’ll be honest – I am not feeling it today and that cut very, very deeply.

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