The Narcissistic Truths – No. 158

my

0
Advertisements

72 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 158”

  1. I know. Sad. I was thinking of something tonight. There was a show once called Dynasty. Its a long story, but it ised to be the only TV at night where I lived. That and All My Children. Every day at school the next day, everyone used to talk about it. Who was doing what. I remember being so bored. So irritated by this obsession with they latest saga.

    That is your life. A soap opera where you are completely participating in it. Writing the next scipt, day after day, with you as a star actor and director. Nothing real. nothing but this god complex that you control it all, just because you control people’s pain.

    0
  2. Have you ever been on a nature retreat, HG? Or delved deep in to nature? Lived in a remote cabin? I suspect not. Because the noise of your own soul would crush you. I made that transition once, from my narc mother’s world into a world that matters. I nearly did not make it. You should plan a trip. A cabin. Nature. The elements. Or are you on house arrest?

    Nature in its rawest form is an amazing teacher.

    0
    1. I occasionally head to a coastal retreat to write. I am not isolated. I am in contact by telephone, I saunter to the village pub and speak to people there, thus it is a retreat but not one of isolation.

      My soul makes no noise. I do not have one.

      0
      1. Not your own, no. You just have the ragged remnants of those you have sucked dry.

        And ours of course!

        0
      2. My soul is noisy.
        Twilight, I laughed when you asked about the cliffs. Lol where you asking to know if someone would be thrown off?

        0
      3. Love no I didn’t ask for that purpose yet I do find it intrigung as to you are the second one that has assumed this when I have asked this question.
        As far as assuming HG would, no cause as he has stated death of an appliance serves no purpose, and throwing someone off a cliff could very well bring this outcome. Now if he was a lessor this thought would surely be at the top of my list.
        I asked for two reasons

        1. Cliff Jumping
        2. The view

        0
      4. Ah, an adrenaline rush. Yes cliff diving would definitely provide that. I’ve noted that some people with personality disorder seek more thrills. They take greater risks.

        0
      5. He used to race motorcycles. Knee dragging kind of racing. He said he had no fear. I think the adrenaline junky part of him was part of his personality disorder.. perpetual ennui and boredom.

        How do you know you have no soul? Maybe your soul is in retreat. Severe child abuse can do that.

        0
      6. Either you have a soul, or none of us have one.

        I rather imagine your soul is more like a deflated balloon, or a dry well. It’s redundant, empty, devoid but it still exists.

        0
      7. Hg, your soul is existing in the fifth dimension, whole and intact. And, while you may be currently disconnected from it, it’s no different than being disconnected in a phone call from another home, and thinking that home no longer exists because the call/connection dropped. You were created perfectly and will exist in that perfect sense for all of eternity. The dropped call that all npd sufferers have is simply a matter of an issue that current science and psychology have not solved yet, just like at one point people didn’t understand mechanics of clinical depression. I’m sorry to sound like I’m correcting you, but i don’t want you to think such a negative thing about yourself.

        0
      8. Heather- He is being dramatic. Either he has a soul and everyone has one, or none of us have one, because souls don’t exist.

        A personality disorder makes you different, but not THAT different.

        0
      9. I have no set definition of a soul. Your statement encouraged me to think about it. My first thought was: a being’s core essence.

        Based on my understanding, everyone would have a soul, no matter how cold, dark or detached. A life force is still a life force, even if it is parasitic. There is a need, a compulsion.

        What do you think?

        0
  3. This is rather apt to a conversation I was recently in. I referred to this several weeks ago when I told my MatriNarc that I would “no longer be a pawn in her poisonous game of chess.” I said it straight-forward, free of emotion, only cool hard facts. She switched off the pity party she was having for herself in an instant. My attempts at productive (and compassionate!) communication always go nowhere as she quickly switches from word salad to playing the victim. I now realize she does this to invoke my guilt and try to get an emotional reaction out of me while evading accountability and resolution.

    What an actress! She shut off the tears in an instant after I changed tack! Literally. 2 seconds. Her face went cold, hard, and her eyes were flat, practically emotionless. But, I recognized why I have always feared her since I was small (her abuse has been covert it as has sadistic)… I saw a momentary slip of her mask – the lip curl, the slight sneer, and the smoldering fury building behind her gaze. Her face was like stone and I felt her contempt and disdain wash over me. She didn’t have to say a word! I’ve felt it since I was old enough to remember, but convinced myself she loved me because she said so. It must be true if she tells me, right? How dare I not question her! She’s forever talking, but no action. She “feels” only for herself.

    Mommie Dearest knows I know her game now and I am watching my back 24/7 for the next few weeks until my imminent (and permanent!) departure from her life.

    I was already experimenting with some of these ways of handling her before I read your blog and then subsequently purchased 4 of your e-books. The more I read, the more empowered I feel. I am being 100% honest, too, in telling you I haven’t found a better resource in any other place online or even in a bookstore to delve into the facets of this “Personality Disorder” than yours, HG. And I believe I would know, humbly speaking. I am a prolific reader and have spent the last 2 years devouring upwards of 30 self-help books and psychology texts of all kinds. They reference many of the same methods you do, but nowhere near as complete, insightful, or complex. They are often too clinical to relate to on a personal level. It truly would take one of your kind to write the manual, so to say, (and do so in a relatable, easy to read, way that many sources don’t come close to achieving).

    This post reminded me of a moment that you had a large part in indirectly educating me about. I am learning quickly the gentle, yet assertive, power (for us non-manipulative empaths, anyway ;)) behind emotional intelligence and self-control brought about by knowledge rather than subconscious psychological triggers. My sadness, fears, and confusion once consumed me and I am in the process of finding peace.

    Apologies for the length on this, but as your personal journey progresses and you share so much I am inclined to do a bit if the same to explain what you have done for me. And if this has given you something by way of fuel (I wouldn’t know, honestly), it is much deserved. I see you as a rarity among your kind. Your past transgressions in your life are serving to impact many of us in a positive way as you detail your life’s experiences. You might not wish to or care about forgiveness or atonement, but I would argue your cause is of benefit to us all and serves to indirectly make ammends for your misdeeds, whether you mean to or not.

    Dark angel indeed, my dear HG. 😉

    0
  4. In addition to games your kind are playing with humans. Are you actually able to be genuinely passionate about other things eg. science or is it all just a facade used to play with people?

    0
      1. Tyvm. I didn’t realize he also posts just images. I’ve only been on here a bit, and had only seen essays/articles till now. I thought maybe something wasn’t loading. Thanks. 🙂

        0
  5. I love chess. I don’t play chess. Trigger. How exhausting is it to look N moves ahead? As someone on the receiving end, it is very exhausting. Do you find pleasure in it? The fact that they won’t win caises me to exclaim, “Checkmate”.

    0
      1. If we were to play the board game, which we won’t, I’m assuming you wouldn’t wipe the board if I won. In a previous post you said you’d put the queen in precarious positions. In life, i am already checkmated.

        0
      2. HG- You may like to play chess, but of course you choose your opponents carefully. You’d never play against a chess world champion, now would you?

        0
      3. I know. You taught me to not lose. I have made my checkmate move now. see, you are not the great magnificent winner. . i am not either. but there is a greater winner..

        0
      4. Hahaha, I was too young when I last played chess with my father, so he always won. But my sister swept any board game board clear every time. Risk pieces everywhere, the whole world in pieces around our living room. 😉 Oh, wait, last time we played, she simply packed everything together in the middle of the game.

        0
  6. Why do I feel the compulsion to suddenly master chess and then beat you.

    I know this will never happen – although I know the rules I cannot organise my thoughts enough to think ahead – I still have an urge to dedicate my life to this one thing.

    0
    1. Flickatina ..That is the danger with us empaths.. we want to conquer evil with good.. we hope to win over the master Spirit of Narcissisms.. we are consumed to win Him to goodness and honesty… while in the meantime we have been devoured by the same noble cause.. and fuelling more and more the spirit of Narcissisms..

      0
      1. I like what you are saying but honestly, I have no design to “make him good” I just want to beat him and say “Look – I beat you. I am better than you”

        It is very much in my nature to push the limits. I dislike authority and have an almost primal need to challenge it.

        I’m not saying that rules should not exist – I just don’t want them to apply to me.

        I sound like such a bad person and I have never really admitted that to anyone else before.

        0
  7. That is the danger with us empaths.. we want to conquer evil with good.. we hope to win over the master Spirit of Narcissisms.. we are consumed to win Him to goodness and honesty… while in the meantime we have been devoured by the same noble cause.. and fuelling more and more the spirit of Narcissisms..

    0
  8. My ‘checkmate’, is to live well if I am playing ‘your game’. If I am living my own reality, then I want everyone to ‘win’ at life’. Spoken like a true empath, it makes me deeply sad to think you do not know love. But I no longer hang out there for long. I have loved 2 men that were unable to love and played a smooth game. It caused much pain and destruction. But I learned, and I grew, and I hope I am aware enough now, to not get entangled again with those that would suck my life blood, devour my spirit, and spit me out. This does not serve anyone or anything, but the darkness. I cannot save you. I tried. I can only save myself.

    0
  9. How do we leave this sick world and learn to love again? Someone good/normal who truly deserves to be loved?

    0
  10. HG: Is there a blog post where you describe how to deal with the words of narcissistiv parents when visiting? What did you say to matrinarc on Christmas, how did you ward off her comments?

    0
    1. There isn’t a specific blog post in that regard. I arrived late. I talked about myself, never asked about her and let my sister deal with her. I placed myself at the other end of the dining table, moved when she try to come towards me afterwards and generally ensured she was deflected, talked over and ignored.

      0
      1. Thank you, interesting. Will try not asking about her. She also always finds something she needs help with.. I usually let my sisters shield me, too, but they won’t be there. The remarks of my mother on the phone were enough already. *grrr*

        0
      2. It sounds like a lot of hyper-vigilance and work keeping her in your peripheral the whole time just to avoid / ignore her while engaging with the rest of the family. Is this where your ability to triple-track helps you? I’d be able to keep that up for about an hour than would want to leave. It would mentally exhaust me.

        0
      3. There were other people around who she turned to for fuel so it was not a constant need for vigilance but you are correct Clarece that the triple tracking assists in that regard.

        0
      1. Do you commission the photograph images, too?

        If they are all original pieces of art, you have a great imagination and ability to articulate your vision, and work with some very talented people.

        0
      2. Does the minion ever ask what the pictures are for? I’m just thinking to when you’ve had the pictures of women in gas masks and such.

        0
      3. Something just struck me thinking about old family photos. Since we probably grew up within the same decade where people used to develop photos for albums or accumulate boxes of photos and Polaroids, have your brother or sister ever found old family photos and shared them with you? I’m curious with what you’ve uncovered and become aware of in therapy, if seeing photos from childhood would evoke any different emotions or memories for you? Especially before 9, when you said that pinpointed around the time you disassociated. I’m curious as to the body language in old photos, if MatriNarc looked like she always had a hand on you (her constant grip over your being)? If you looked happy ever, or didn’t smile much? If your body language looked as if you were pulling away from the others or if you were the little ham bone?

        0

Leave a Reply