A Stolen Love


Our victims have many things in common. Those shared traits are why they are chosen and why they become subjected to our incessant manipulations. The evidence of considerable empathic traits is of course one of the pre-requisites to gaining the attention of the narcissist. Exhibit a tendency to care, an ability to see another person’s point of view and a desire to help and you are issuing a neon-lit “Come and get me” to our kind. Your high-scoring on the empathic scale is naturally of considerable value to us. There is, however, another core principle that you all share which is irresistibly attractive to us. This is your devotion to love. You believe in love, you are advocates of the act of loving, you give love and (although not always) you want to be loved in return. Love is all you need, love conquers all and love is a many splendored thing. Love matters. You see that the world can and will be a better place if more love is exhibited. You love with a depth that is beyond many people. You truly give your all. Your love is perfect, selfless and based on a deep-seated notion that loving someone is the best and most wonderful thing one person can do for another. Such noble and laudable sentiments. Your status as a devotee to love means that you will strive to maintain that love once it has been gained. Love may give the appearance of having departed but you know, you believe, you always believe that it can be found and resurrected. That which has become dulled and blunted will be polished and returned to sharpness. That beautiful golden glow will shine again and you are the person to make it happen. You are the healer and the fixer. That which is broken shall be mended by the application of your burgeoning heart. You are a disciple of love and as such there is nothing you can do but act in accordance with the principles of loving. It is second nature to you. You are so full of love you must find ways of allowing it to manifest in the world and of course the pinnacle of doing so is to find that special someone. You want to find the one so that all of this marvellous love can find its true home. You are compelled to find your soul mate, your life partner and your best friend. Only then can your obligation to provide this amazing love be fulfilled and we thank you for being this way. On a daily basis we give thanks that you delicious and beautiful empathic individuals are committed to the promotion, promulgation and practice of love.

We come with the appearance of being that one special person who you can lay all your love upon. That person who will readily accept all of the love you have to offer and we will return it. Some of you would happily give this love in order to ensure there is an elated recipient and amazingly it would not matter to you whether that love was returned or not. Your sacrificial nature is stunning yet even more welcome. We are of course content to reflect your love in order to bring about yet more from you. We understand the transaction and we are happy to oblige because we are giving you absolutely nothing. We have come to take. We have descended on you ready to strip you of every ounce of love that you can provide. We will slurp it from you, nibble it from your straining frame and gulp it down as we devour your love. We will take it away from you time and time again. Do not be mistaken and think that you are providing this love based on a reality. You are doing so on a false premise. You have been conned into giving this love to us because we make you think we are the very thing you want when in reality we are anything but. We are fraudsters and we have come to take your love. If you knew what we truly were you would not offer your perfect love to us but we want it. We want it so much and we always take it. We make you unknown martyrs to the provision of love. We come without warning even though we appear with an explosion, all of it aimed to distract and misdirect so that we may pilfer your love. Our thieving knows no limits or bounds as we take what does not belong to us and use it for our own warped purposes. We keep on stealing your love until you are left spent and wretched, sat amidst the ruins of the relationship which once seemed impregnable and infinite and now is little more than ash streaked across blunted stone. We gorge on your love, gluttons that feed at the banqueting table as you slowly realise that the sumptuous love we appeared to return to you is in fact empty, a puff of air and without any substance. Yet this realisation comes far too late for by then the damage is done. Not only have we helped ourselves to all of your love we have, invariably ripped away and stolen your capacity for further love. Once you finally extricate yourself from our grip and eventually make sense of what has happened to you, even though it may take some considerable time, how often have your kind uttered the sentence,

“I do not think I will ever love any again, how can I after that?”

Words similar to such a question are regularly uttered by those who have been sucked into our malevolent maelstrom. We are the love thieves. We come and take the love to which we are not entitled but we are not done with that. Oh no. We rip out your heart in order to leave you so bereft that you can never love again. We steal your love. We are the love thieves of your past, your present and your future love.


78 thoughts on “A Stolen Love”

  1. What did I comment on another post? That I felt something had been stolen from me. And what appears – this. It is a pretty perfect description of me, how I felt, how I feel.
    The damage had indeed been done.
    Does that make the Narc happy? Feel powerful?

    1. Yes, that was one of my first most intense feelings, he stole something from me and I wanted it back. I could never name what it was but I was angry that he took ‘it’. But maybe, that was only that feeling of someone holding something above my head and making me jump for it. He stole my trust, trust which he spent so much time begging from me for only to raise his back leg and pee all over it. It is a feeling that only speaks to the violation, the soul violation and theft. Like someone breaking into your home. Only they broke into your mind, body and soul. It’s intense. It heals though not for all. Mine has.

      1. Sarabella,

        A violation of the souls yes, although I had in mind another word but did not want to use it.

  2. Well this is appropriate right before Valentine’s Day.
    I was that person. I believed in it all and now I’m not sure I know what love is. My heart was so big and it was unconditional.

    I still have a hard time with you mirroring us the love that we want back. I still think that it felt so real. I said so many times to my ex “I can feel the connection”. I don’t know how something that I thought I felt was all fake. This part still hurts and is hard for me to grasp.

  3. Except, for some of us empaths, it is only temporary, that feeling that we experienced a huge death. The death of a tragic love story, worthy of Shakespeare. We went through hell, true. Half of our own making for being so blind and trusting. Then we get over it. And we find the ability to piss all over it just like you did. You weren’t the only ones abused in life, and we also can find the same rage to destroy you. We didn’t want to, true, but you went too far, that last time.

    I just want to know, what is the experience when those of us empaths do get to that point and nothing binds us to you? You might have tried money. You might have tried a smear campaign we thought we couldn’t stop but we do. We cut completely free and not without raining down our own criticism of you, on an off the chart level. Something a lesser or mid might not be able to withstand.

    But escape we do and we finally make it clear we know it was all shit to begin with. We make it very clear and not even with revenge and no more traces of hurt backed words. We have accepted all the lies, that you were a lie, and we find our closure. We trash you with the same words and same level of enmity that you showed us. We shocked ourselves at times. Now, we have only to forgive ourselves for acting out of our nature. For having to betray our own love for you by our own destruction of you. Its a total tie breaker.

    And then, it’s just the great stand off? Until death then do we part?

    I am getting it.

    1. I agree with you!
      I did nice things for my nieces and nephews when they were young before I realized they were narcissists. I used to tell them I hope you do the same things for your nieces and nephews some day. I remember they use to smile and look at each other when I said that. Now I know it was an evil smile and they never intended on passing forward what I did for them. All of that doesn’t matter today! I have fond memories of giving and loving them. No one can take that away from me. That they took advantage of me and used me, that’s theirs to live with. My soul is in peace. I still do nice things for good people.
      No contact and learning about narcissism/psychopathy helps a lot in returning love to our lives.

      1. Thank you for bringing up /reminding everyone that this is not always about couples and is equally as pernicious in the family dynamic. I have narc nieces as well.

  4. OMG! That’s another narcissist lie! I was narcissistically abused by my “family” and “friends” for 53 years. It took me a few years to get over the abuse and understand what narcissism (mental illness) really is. My ability to love is just as strong as ever now. I just don’t share it with sick people any more.

    1. Alissa, you are so correct! I see the world differently now. More fearful and less trusting. I did not know what evil (no affiance intended, HG) looked like because I was surrounded by it.

  5. It might take time to love again, but empaths can and do find someone worthy. True to form, you sound so proud of yourself. Once someone isn’t under your “spell” and they see past your mask, it’s such an ugly thing to behold. But you said you know that already, too.

  6. My life right now!! He was my past(dated as teenagers), now he is back in my life but I will not him to come in cause havoc in my future!!! Funny, he just told me that I have a good heart. I always have, he remembers…..ah yes, thank you for tearing in out and crushing it all over again😩 Great read HG.

  7. This is the part for me that HURTS so bad and is keeping me from moving on. I did a two hour consultation with HG. My father is a Greater Nar/Sociopath/Pedifile (we have been estranged for 3 years). I divorced my lesser-midrange Nar in November 2016, we were married 11 years (I am 33 and he is 40). It hurts that my ex-husband(and father) abused me for so long and feel no remorse.

    I have no children and still have a dream about getting remarried and raising a family. I have been in therapy for 2 years and have researched extensively my trauma. I am working hard to stay positive. Can anyone give me some hope I will recover from this and be a healthy future wife/mother someday?

    1. Accept what is because there are no mistakes.

      If you dwell on the lower energies you will not attract what you want. And if you ask the universe for what you want, the universe will only see it as what you don’t have. Accept what is, thank the source for already giving you all your heart’s desire and keep bettering yourself. It’s a day by day process. Bless you.

      1. I like this, Jar. It corresponds with my own thinking about mistakes.

        Mistakes are a learning point. An opportunity to learn; to take a different path; to re-establish your goals or what success looks like for you; or simply to try again, but with greater knowledge this time and hopefully wiser for it.

        It’s all about stepping away from a ‘fixed’ mindset to a ‘growth’ mindset for me.

    2. Hello FC17,
      I too had a Father that is Greater Narc Sociopath. I was sexually abused intermittently by a relative. I was in a number of abusive relationships.
      I am here to tell you that you definitely should stay in therapy. You should also know that you are ahead of the game because HG has shown you the thought processes as to why the abuser does what they do. Realizing that you were manipulated from childhood and into adulthood by a Narcissist is half the battle. You can now see it was not your fault. You can also see that they purposefully set you up to fail. I am happy that you could speak with HG about your situation. You need to talk about as much as possible. Write about it.
      I will tell you that I am living proof that you can recover. I am married to a wonderful person. I have been married 15 years. We do not have any abuse in our relationship. I have a son. He is very successful. He is a great person. He sees the crazy in his grandparents. He learned the difference between our household and theirs. That difference was unconditional love. So. It is possible. Hold on to your hope. It is never too late to course correct. You will be okay. Just keep working on yourself and continue to educate yourself. *Hugs*

      1. To ABB and Flowerchild 2017,
        thank you very much ABB, that you responded to FC17. I hoped, that someone would do that. You found the right words. And you are right, she must continue her therapy. To know what happened is not enough to find better ways to deal with bad people and with her whole life (past, present, future) . FC17, there is still a lot to do. You are just at the stage, where you are able to see, when things go bad. And you can stop them now. The next will be that you will learn to love the right man. You are not used to it and there is still the danger that you do not appreciate a man, who really appreciates you. Therefore you must continue therapy to find men interesting who are different. We always do the same fault.

      2. Mona,
        Thank you. Thank you for saying that about learning to love the right man. I am at war with myself right now over the fact that my husband loves me, no strings attached. I was getting on great until last year. I made the mistake of going back on fb. Within one hour my old narcissist from 29, yes 29 years ago started a hoover. I think because I started getting the immediate love bombing I started to compare that to my content marriage. It’s the rush of the wanton desire that they exhibit toward you that started pulling me. My husband can’t compete with the love bombing. We are past that. So, I started to fall for the illusion. He was feeding a bad idea. He worked on me and it’s really like a sleeper cell. You feel like they awaken something that has been buried deep, something left, waiting to be turned on. It’s quite frightening how they naturally speak to your subconscious. They really do distract your conscious mind by slight of mouth. It is a real thing, Google it. The techniques they use are akin to hypnosis. The intense stare while touching your face and speaking in a comforting tone is a way of lulling you into a relaxed mind state which is then open to suggestion. The book women who love psychopaths by Sandra L. Brown talks of this. Anyway, thankfully I stumbled upon HG and his works. I have never in all my narc relationships been in a devalue stage. When I turned down the narcissist he started to send me messages with backhanded compliments. He called me derogatory names, said I looked like I needed to be @#$%ed, he started to put down my marriage and my skills as a wife at the same time asking me to leave my husband and be with him. I was confused and HG set me straight. Thx HG *mwah*. My point is this. You have to absolutely positively leave them alone. No Contact. You have to believe that you are loveable and worthy of the best love possible. Now, if I could practice what I preach. #Strangelove.

      3. Anna Belle Black thank your for your reply. Thank you for giving me more hope for the future.

        I should say I have been in therapy “this time” for two years. Both my twin sister and I have been in therapy since we were 6. When I was 14 I was hospitalized numerous times for an eating disorder (and self-harm) and tried to commit suicide three times before I was 16.

        I relapsed into my eating disorder 3 years ago, when my father’s girlfriend told me my father was molesting her dog. I had been gaslighted by my father and ex-husband so much to believe I was the crazy one. My best friend passed away from cancer the year before. I took care of her along with her family until the day she did, she was only 28. After I lost 30 lbs in 2 months (when the dog thing was revealed), my father went on a smear campaign and my ex-husband became more rage full and abusive than I have ever seen him.

        I am on the road to recovery, but it is a long journey. It feels comforting to have found a group suffering from so much of the same pain.
        take care

      4. Flowerchild,

        I can not tell you what a successful relationship looks like neither can I tell you that time will heal everything and you will live happily ever after. I can not even say our experiences are the same.

        But, what I can tell you there’s a higher power than self and any person with a disorder. We are perfect and wonderfully made with all our brokenness and insecurities.

        I keep this little message on my end table and would like to share no offense intended.

        We must have the kind of love for ourselves that says, I know God Loves me, so I can love what God chooses to love. I don’t love everything I do, but I accept myself because God accepts me.
        Joyce Meyer

        It’s almost impossible for us to accept or give what we aren’t capable of giving ourselves.

      5. Entertainment you are right you can not give to anyone else if you have not given it to yourself, I do believe there is a misconception to self love.
        If I don’t love myself how can I give love to another. Yet this also means you need to be brutally honest with yourself first to. Love is born from truth.

        When we become offend at what another has done or is doing I believe it is because we see a reflection of what we don’t like about ourself and to shift this feeling we lie to ourselves and the energy is changed to a negitive and shown as such. If one is brutally honest with themselves they recognize this find the reason why does this effect me in this manner, deal with it and let it go the energy changes to a positive because things are in motion.
        Negitive energy causes things to stop and become congested because we hold tight to it instead of letting it flow, because we focus on what we believe is wrong about ourselves. Where positive energy we naturally let flow due to it feel amazing and we see all the wonderful things about ourselves.
        sorry I went a little off subject

      6. Twilight

        There’s a saying “We hate in others, what we see in self”.

        It’s like saying I hate liars, then reflecting back to self you say my lies are small.

        A lie is a lie. Accept that you are a liar work on it and move forward. Only then can we have real empathy for others. Your less likely to still hate liars because you came to realization that were or are the same.

      7. Entertainment we are all liers at some point in time, the most decitful and damaging ones are the ones we tell ourselves.

      8. FC17,
        I am crying. Abuse is so horrible. It takes so much to be able just to talk about it or write it down. You are a survivor. You have gone through so much and it almost killed you. Please know that I am thinking of you and that I know pain just like you. I greive for the girl that you were that was hurt and I do the same for the woman that had to endure such atrocities. Many times I may joke about HG and his kind and what I find attractive, when I read something like what you wrote I remember that this is serious and that abuse in any form is not a laughing matter. HG sheds light on the topic of narcissistic abuse, he survived it but, became it. I understand why he did as I was abusive too at one time, but the majority of my life I have spent as an empathic person. I cannot condone his abusive side. As much as I would think that I am nothing and I deserve to be abused, I know that I am not because I have a husband who tells me everyday that he loves who I am. I have a son who loves his mum. It is so different and scary sometimes to believe that they love me without conditions. I want to self sabotage my relationship sometimes. Then I am reminded of the things that count. I have a 101 temperature today. My husband came home from work, made me homemade chicken soup, rubbed Vicks on my chest, got me some meds and held me in bed while watching tv. Isn’t that love? I entertain the fantasy of an affair. Why? Because the pull to master the abuse is so strong. It is a war inside me. I have to remember I am not that person anymore. I grew past that. To go backwards now would be a huge mistake. An emotional affair is just as bad. To even think of another man is wrong. The abuse runs so deep though that I allowed it to awaken and I should not have done that. It is a mistake. I should never allow someone to treat me like a whore. I am a successful woman who has beauty and brains. Not a doll to be picked up and played with and thrown aside. It is abuse to objectify women. It is abuse to treat a woman like a whore. I am hypocritical. In the sense that part of me wants someone to treat me like that. It is familiar. It was the only role models of men that I saw. It is foreign to me to be with someone nice. I don’t understand the concepts but I know it is good for me so I stay with it. Now I have rambled on too long and looked at myself. This is about us. All of us here. Right now. It is us turning the corner. It is us being more selfish. It is us beating the narcissist. It is us winning. Everyday you go without abuse to yourself you win FC17. You beat him. You beat them. Keep winning my dear.

    3. Flowerchild love the name, I was raised by a narcissistic Grandmother I refuse to give her the label of mid or greater, it is my way of not acknowledging her. I was forced to marry into another even worse then my own narcissistic family, only to be suduced by a Greater. He taught me many things and one thing was to live in the moment, yet it did take finding HG. lol ya finding no he found me, what I mean is a book mysteriously was on my desk this book was titled Fuel, to this day I don’t know who put it there. Yet with the answers I have found not only through his books, blog, consultations and yes I will even listen to YouTube which strangely I have found the tone of his voice will put me into a meditative state, hmm talk about power over someone, yet what I am getting at is hang around here read all you can ask questions or observe, knowledge is power and the fear will subside as your understanding grows. Remember thou you are alive in this moment live it fully, even if this means crying hysterically or jumping for joy, yet be aware of your future and don’t forget what the past has taught you. The choices you make today do affect tomorrow. You have the power inside of you to make your world beautiful and a strength to face anything.
      Knowlwsge speaks, wisdom listens

    4. Yes. I have had extensive abuse. I now have no fear. With work it is achievable. Keep following the guidance of any counselling you’ve had. Mindfulness is brilliant and worth trying. What exactly did the consultation involve? Btw you can choose to be a single mum through ivf too. There’s plenty of options out there x

  8. HG, by the way THANK YOU!!!! You helped my so much during our talk. My mother has bought one of your books and listened to your radio interviews. I have hope you will help her too, I think you already have. Thank you.

  9. HG, Have you ever felt real guilt, remorse, shame or worried for your reputation? Assuming we shared many life-long friends….

      1. HG when you decided on something you Have already ran the senecio and know the out come, example you yell at your IPPS for the reaction of tears and an emotional response. You did it for that reason so no guilt or shame would be a result you already knew the end results, correct?

  10. Wrong. You stole our trust and innocence but not the capacity for love.

    Love is a renewable source. You just need to break the dam.

  11. You showed us what love isn’t, that’s all. Again, you flatter yourself. But you do have a personality disorder, don’t you.

  12. HG, Would you ever be willing to audio record your blog writings or books?

    You have so much valuable information and with the amount of research we all are doing it would be easier for some of us to listen.

    I have listened to your interviews numerous times. I feel there is value to hearing your words, they have a more direct impact coming from your voice.

    Besides there is something about your voice that is alluring…

  13. ABB,(Feb.7,at 5.28 PM),
    you do not know, how much I envy you for your relationship. (Not in a bad way, I only want to have it too.) The chance to get a relationship like yours tends to zero. I was too old, when I realized what happened to me in the past. Now I am too old to find someone who really fits to me. There are only narcs to find. The good men stay in their relationships (and that is alright) , there are only bad ones outside. The only chance I have is to find someone, who lost his wife by death, a widower. And that man must be able to deal with all my fears, I know I will reject someone who tries to love me, I will behave bad. I did that before. So the chance is like the Jackpot. I should have gone to a therapy, when I was young. I did not. The abusing I suffered seemed to the outside world “normal”, so there was no need to go to therapy. It was not bad enough or better- it seemed not to be bad enough. I will pay the prize for the rest of my life. I will do the best of it.

    1. Mona there is always hope, yet you are right most “good” men are taken. My heart aches for one, yet I am not sure I would know what to do and God only knows how they would handle me. Yet I still hope, even thou I have accepted my path to walk alone

    2. Aw Mona,
      It is still possible. I didn’t get married until I was 33. I had large house, great job, new car, money and a son. I did not need anything. I wanted a companion. I told my husband before we married that even if we didn’t end up married I would still like to be friends with him. I liked him. I did not love him when we married, but I knew I could learn to love him. I picked him based on the fact that his personality was something I would not normaly pick. So maybe you should try that. Opposite pick?

  14. Oh honey, of course we will love again. Just not you.

    Also, to all you girls commenting and thanking the narcissist author of this blog for what he is doing for you: you do realize the guy has a severe personality disorder and may not be the one you should be listening to?

    1. Or rather I am the one to listen to because I tell it exactly as it is as opposed to dressing it up as something else, providing observations from a perspective which is either wrong or unable to understand because they do not experience it or have an innate prejudice just because of who I am.
      The number of people who have found understanding, gained insight, been able to finally move forward, have the confusion removed and so forth is extensive and continues to rise. Only yesterday,I received a message stating “if only I had found you sooner then I would not have had to waste thousands of pounds on therapists who did not understand what they were talking about.”
      Whilst your note of caution is understandable it fails to recognise or acknowledge the impact my direct and forthright explanation from this side of the fence has had for many, many people.

      1. H.G.
        Can’t really say I have seen you give any f**ks in your response it appeared you gave quite of few.

        I guess, I will take a seat as a matter
        of fact I will take two🤔

      2. The message HG received: “if only I had found you sooner then I would not have had to waste thousands of pounds on therapists who did not understand what they were talking about.”

        I’m not sure I understand this viewpoint. Surely victims of narcissistic abuse, are best served by addressing whatever it is in themselves that attracts them and hooks them into narcissists – and hooks them in so they stay even when the emotional abuse becomes overt?

        When I say ‘served’ I mean both healing from the abuse they have suffered, as well as creating an inner strength and resilience that they do not fall prey to further narcissists.

        It’s one thing being able to identify them. It’s another being able to understand them. But it’s a leap – a good leap – to growing as a person to have better boundaries and resilience.

        For me, understanding narcs and how they operate is only part of the puzzle to overcoming narcissistic abuse.

        Going back to the original quote, the person who provided the feedback probably had therapists who didn’t understand narcissistic abuse. That doesn’t mean the therapist route is unnecessary, or a waste of time or money. It just means they had therapists that couldn’t meet her needs.

      3. What she meant was that she needed to understand and was not provided with that understanding and thus regarded it as a waste of money.

        You need to understand what the situation is first of all. You need to understand how to remove yourself from it (if that has not already happened) and how to avoid being ensnared again. You cannot get anywhere until you understand. Once you understand what it was that ensnared you and how to escape/counter it, then you can move on to addressing what it is that causes you to attract and be attracted to our kind. It is pointless trying to address that if you do not know who you are attracted to/attract, in the first instance. That was the problem, the relevant therapist could not identify or comment appropriately on what this person became entangled with. Therefore all suggestions to move on are useless. It is akin to saying “Hmm, I don’t know which disease you have but why not keep trying these different drugs anyway.” You cannot look to heal until you know what has happened. I provide the identification, understanding, countering and escaping element, which comes first. Others would provide the healing that comes thereafter as that is not what I do.

      4. P.S. that’s not me saying this site and HG’s perspectives aren’t valuable to that process. Far from it. I get it. It’s helpful and fascinating. It’s incredibly useful.

        To me, it’s an ingredient in the recipe of healing and protection.

  15. I see that you have the best advice, actually huge advice. We can ask any of your mentees, they will say, the greatest advice. And see, as it is the very best and greatest, actually extensively appreciated good advice, and everyone you spoke to will confirm that, it is the best advice, we can trust you that your interest is actually in our health and you will help us to be great again.

    “He tells it like it is”: http://www.newyorker.com/cartoons/a20072

    1. TI&TU,
      I understand your position. I just wonder if you would agree that HG, although being a narcissist, presents his information to a group of people who can benefit from his way of teaching? Not all teachers are good people. Not all life lessons are learned from good behavior. Perhaps the people here like the choice of getting the information from the wolves mouth? That is what life is about. Making choices. If the information is solid, does it matter where it comes from?

  16. I want to think I will love again. I have a wonderful man in my life. I care for him deeply, but am not in love with him. I miss the feel of the N skin, his smell, his massive arms….damn when will this go away??? I know what he is. I know the discard has occurred and I’ve full accepted this and won’t go back. But that longing never leaves and I really don’t think I will ever be “in love again”

  17. Perhaps you’ll like Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations With God. That’s where I got it from (he does a great courses which I was a student in not too many months ago). And I’m watching a lot of Abraham Hicks videos at the moment.

    I do believe we create our own realities – the ironic thing I’ve just realised is that I have fought the good fight, resisted contacting him again (that part hasn’t been too hard), thrown obstacles of all sorts towards him so he can’t contact me again, but what we resist, persists.

    I am now setting down the path of least resistance, attempting to create my reality, and stop fighting with the universe over what is. Let go and let God.

  18. I wonder if we struggle to find love again because deep down, we are convinced we do not deserve it? How could we when every relationship we have had had told us we don’t? Why would we be treated so badly if we did not deserve to be treated so? We must be inherently bad and must be punished.

    Although I know that my family love me (and many of my friends) most of the time i do not feel loved. I feel tolerated/accepted/included/liked even – but not loved. What proof am I looking for? Do people think they are showing their love to me but I am expecting something else. By that I mean is someone showing me love in their way – say by making me a cup of tea – but I am waiting for them to show me they love me in a way I can recgonise – say by making me a cup of coffee. Am I constantly missing signals and therefore missing out?

    1. I would think so misinterpretion and miscommunication.
      I do believe we develop an idea of what love is suppose to look like at a very young age and is our unique perspective. Which causes this misinterpretation when love is shown from another.

    2. Gosh Flick, you’ve left me dumbfounded. I’m going to have to go away and think about that one. Out of interest, did you have narc parents?

    3. Flick,
      I agree with you. We think we do not deserve love. Because we were taught conditional love. I will tell you that since I did not have a healthy upbringing, I had to be taught in therapy what to look for. Every time someone did something for me, like make a cup of tea, I had to internally say they did that because they love me. As I took note of all the small things each person did, I learned to see and feel love. I didn’t know how to look for it before because I was too busy trying to jump through hoops for approval, which I thought was love. Approval is different from love. When someone really loves you, you know they approve of you without you having to continually please them. When you have both love and approval then you are complete.

      1. I’m not good at recognising when someone is flirting with me either. I wonder how many nice men have gone away wondering why their best lines didn’t work.

        Or perhaps no-one has been flirting with me at all! *weeps into stuffed teddy*

      2. I laugh because my husbands first supposed pick up line was…..ready…..
        “Nice Shoes”…bwahahaha
        I said to him, really??? Thanks.
        He laughs now because he was so cute and nerdy then ( I have since corrupted him) and seriously thought that was going to let me know he liked me. So you are correct. We miss the signals with nice guys because they pale in comparison to the narcissist love bombing techniques. Holy HG Batman! I think I just had a revelation! BTW I kept those shoes, they are light blue silk strappy heels, Jimmy Choo of course.
        That teddy bear could be a Narc in disguise. Careful!
        *bear turns into Ted*

      3. I’m m or of an Irregular Choice girl myself 🙂

        I think a man would literally have to say to me – I like you and I am flirting with you – even then I’d be like…what sorcery is this??

      4. No. I think I’m just naive and stupid! I’ve never been lovebombed either!

        But you are probably right there.

        I’m glad you didn’t miss that signal from your husband though. And to be fair – a compliment to shoes will always be appreciated!

  19. I quite happily thank HG for his useful work. I do not approve of any nasty behaviour he has done but his work hits the nail on the head. I had a very abusive relationship and it almost destroyed me. I then found a widower who helped me but he is a very clever narc. Going to a counsellor to try and offload hasn’t worked because she nearly drove herself mad saying but he might not be doing this and he might not be doing that etc I have decided the work of HG is what I will use to escape this current narc. I seem to be in the habit of using one narc after another. At least this way i literally ‘pay’ (books and consultations and not emotionally) for his help but in a much safer way and will eventually grow strong and never ever go back to a narc again. I am worth more than that!


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